Tragic Lives of Beautiful Children
by DarkWriterXX94
Summary: "Ya know, I never felt abused. She wasn't the creepy old man they warned you about. She was beautiful and kind…funny and—irresistible …and charming…and that made her so dangerous." Beca is a freshman at BU and wants to keep her head down and graduate. Unfortunately her attempts to remain unnoticed fail and she is forced to remember what she desperately wants to forget. Mitchsen
1. Tale of the Nobodies

Chapter 1

Tale of the Nobodies

It is difficult as hell to write a full summary in that small amount of space. So I guess I'll put it here.

_**"Ya know, I never felt abused. She wasn't the creepy old man they warned you about. She was beautiful and kind...funny and**_**_—_**_**irresistible ...and charming...and that made her so dangerous." Beca is beginning her freshman year at Barden University. She wants nothing more than to keep her head down as she makes it through these next four years. Unfortunately, her attempts to remain unnoticed fail when she runs into Coach Abernathy and she is forced to remember what she desperately wants to forget. Mitchsen.**_

So I'm back. I've been working on this story for a while. I think I came up with the idea not long after I finished Songs of Sodom and even now, I still don't think I'm happy with my outline which is a whopping 75 pages. But I know if I decided to wait until I'm happy with the outline to post, I'll never get around to it. Some disclaimers: This story deals with childhood sexual abuse and in certain chapters it will infer and may depict (although it's not explicit) abuse of a minor. This may be triggering for some ,so I say proceed with caution. For the most part, the triggering parts will come in flashbacks and the one's that may be triggering will be marked as such, so you can avoid those. This story is dark, very dark and I'm not going to apologize for that. I'm working through some of my own personal demons and this is the only cathartic outlet I have that I haven't lost interest in. So now that the disclaimers are out of the way (I probably missed some, but I'll add them as I remember them) I'll move on to some things about this story. It took me a long time to figure out what sport I wanted them to play. I wanted it to be volleyball, but I don't know that much about Volleyball to write it well enough. So I chose basketball, I've played it and I can actually write about it and actually know I'm writing about. For this story, I'm adding two inches to everyone's height. Therefore, Beca is 5"4. She's still short in terms of average heights of basketball players but 5"2 was just too short. The shortest NCAA women's basketball player is 5"3 so I had to bring Beca (Anna Kendrick's) height up a bit. One more thing, this will be rated M but the relationship depicted here between Beca and Aubrey, although it's romantic, there won't be any sexual scenes between them. As the story progresses, you'll see why. Each chapter, for the most part will have a song that will basically set the tone for the chapter.

Song: Up Against the Wind by Lori Perry.

_Day after Day seems like I push against the clouds__  
__They just keep blocking out the sun__  
__It seems since I was born__  
__I've wakened every blessed morning__  
__Down on my luck and up against the wind_

_Dear Someone,_

_I have a secret to tell. I'm nobody who are you? I know—you're somebody. Is this true? Do you know how it feels to melt inside like I do? No matter how envious I am, I would never wish you were nobody too._

Three hundred and forty three days, that's how long she'd been waiting for this day to arrive. How long she's wanted to experience life outside the confines of a hospital. To see the sun in person and not what managed to escape the metal screens in front of the windows. To tie her shoes, to eat when and what she wanted. Watch television all night, and sleep all day. But, most of all she missed the freedom of being sad when she wanted and happy when she wanted without having to "talk about it." It's the little things Beca Mitchell began to appreciate when they were all taken from her.

The ballpoint pen rested between her thumb and index finger, her thoughts swarming her head as she thought of what she could possibly write next, or if she was finished for the day.

If there was one thing she could say being here brought her, it would have to be clarity. Perspective on her life, despite how cliché that sounded.

She never thought that her life would turn out the way it did until she was lying in a hospital, strapped to a bed as doctors forced a tube down her throat to vacuum out pills she didn't even remember taking. It never really crossed her mind that, possibly, she might have wanted to die at her own hands. It wasn't until she woke up that day that she realized it wouldn't bother her either way, life or death.

Beca had never really seen her life taking the path it had. She was just an innocent passenger on a journey that she was involuntarily subjected to. Even today, the day she would get to go home, she was in no way mentally healed but at least being at home gave her the chance to work out what was withering her away at her own pace. There wouldn't be any daily meetings where strangers tried to coerce her into talking. No more private sessions with doctors about why she feels the way she does. Nothing. Just a normal life-well as close as she could get to normalcy.

The floor creaked alerting her to the presence of someone, and her hand quickly closed the moleskin book. She turned, her eyes focusing in on her roommate, Lea, as she ambled in, her time spent as a ballet dancer resulting in a graceful glide of her feet over to where Beca sat.

"They let you use a pen unsupervised?" It was meant as a joke but came out as bitter and angry. Beca knew that Lea hated being in the hospital just as much as she had, but the dancer's stay was much longer.

"Yeah, I guess since I'm leaving, I can be trusted with sharp objects." She stood up and trudged over to where her duffel bag sat in the wardrobe in the corner. Pulling it out of the closet, she carried it over to her bed and used the little remaining space in the side pocket to store her notebook.

She scanned over the room to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything, a loud sigh from behind her catching her attention. She turned to face Lea, who sat on her bed on the opposite side of the room.

"Ya know, it's not going to be as fun around here without you."

Beca rolled her eyes, "I doubt I was the life of the party here." She turned back around to look for her wallet that contained everything she'd need to leave including her ID card.

Lea shrugged, her eyes finally coming up to look at Beca, "Well, you made it fun for me."

Beca stopped her search for her wallet and turned around to face the other girl, for the first time seeing how her departure was affecting the other girl. She had shared a room with the fourteen year old since Beca was admitted to the hospital exactly 11 months ago and although Beca never opened up to Lea or revealed anything personal about herself, the two managed to build a steady friendship without any biographical information. Despite the rules forbidding sharing medical history, Beca knew Lea was hospitalized for her anorexia and Lea knew Beca was there for trying to commit suicide. Neither girl inquired further than that and because of the mutual respect of the other's boundaries, they got along well from the start.

Beca looked at the clock on the wall, her hand running through her hair as she made her way over to where Lea sat.

"Hey, don't worry about it. Your day is coming soon."

Lea scoffed, "Yeah right, if you count three months as 'soon,' and that's only if I gain enough weight to be considered 'healthy." She used her fingers to form air quotes as she spit out the word. "Whatever the hell that means."

Beca bit at her bottom lip, not quite sure what to say. Lea had just returned to sleeping in the room two weeks ago after relapsing and refusing to eat after a visit from her mother who insensitively commented that her daughter's face was a lot "fuller" than the last time she saw her.

She pulled the wallet that Beca had been looking for from under her pillow, grinning when the small brunette sighed in relief. "Are you excited to be going back?"

Beca stood up and walked back over to her bag, using the opportunity of her back being turned to think about the dancer's question. Was she excited to be going back? No, not at all. She really didn't want to go to school-not for a degree so that she could work in some stuffy office doing a job she hated. But, she didn't really have much of choice when one parent only gives you one option and the other doesn't care enough to fight.

"Technically, I'm not going back. I never made it to campus. They carted me here in June."

Lea's head tilted to rest on her shoulder, "I know, but aren't you excited that you're going to college? All the parties, and the sororities and fraternities. And-and you can even play basketball again."

Beca glanced over at the younger girl before refocusing her eyes on her bag, "Well, for starters, college isn't at all like they make it seem in the movies." She gritted her teeth as she pulled the zipper in an attempt to close the bag without breaking it. "And two, I'm done with that stupid sport. I shouldn't have played in the first place."

"Well, isn't Mary Elise there?"

Beca nodded, remembering the phone call she shared with the girl a few days back. She, too, had been a patient at the hospital, but for a much shorter stay than lea and Beca. She told them that she liked to check herself in whenever she felt like her emotions were becoming too unstable to handle. She had left last winter and promised Beca that she'd meet up with her on campus.

"Yeah. I got to call her a couple of days ago. She's expecting me."

Beca grabbed her release forms and turned to look at Lea, "Hey, I got something for you."

She grabbed her iPod out of her back pocket and handed it to the younger girl. When Lea realized exactly what she'd been given she immediately moved to return it. "No, I can't take this. It has all of your music on it."

Beca picked up her bag, swinging the adjustable strap of the black satchel over her head and allowing it to come to rest on her shoulder. The mp3 player had been given to Beca when she was twelve by her old coach and although it did have a lot of her favorite music on it, she knew Lea needed it more than she did. She and the younger girl had arrived around the same time and when Lea was up with insomnia, the same as Beca, they'd each take an earplug and listen to her music on shuffle until the morning. It was what had bonded them, what had made being in this place tolerable.

And now, Beca was getting out, Lea was staying behind. She needed the music to hold on for just a while longer.

"I know but I know how much you liked listening to it. I can always get another one."

Lea stared at the portable music player in her hand before looking back at Beca and whispering, "I don't know what I'm going to do now that you're leaving."

"C'mon, it's gonna be alright. You're a survivor. Just make me one promise?"

Shinning eyes stared back at her as a trembling mouth responded, "Yeah?"

"Just please make sure you eat every day. I know the food here sucks but every meal you eat in here gets you closer to enjoying a real one out there. And when you get out of this place I'll be with you for your first meal. A big greasy hamburger."

Lea rolled her eyes but couldn't help the grin spreading across her face.A loud rapping filled the room, and both girls looked up at the nurse who came to notify Beca that her ride was here. Beca nodded her head. She turned to the younger girl, "Walk me to the door?"

Lea nodded her head earnestly, "Definitely." She quickly shoved the iPod under her pillow following Beca out of the room. They walked slowly to the nurses' station, Beca wanting to prolong their time together as much as possible for the younger girl's sake.

They stopped at the nurses' station where Beca had to sign and hand in her release forms. The head nurse, Olivia, smiled at her, her hands typing away at the keyboard in front of her. Beca glanced at Lea out of the corner of her eye, watching her fumble with her hands. Olivia handed Beca a copy of her discharge papers, rolling her eyes at the sight of Beca absentmindedly folding them up and shoving them in her back pocket. The finality of the situation settling above them.

"So, I guess this is where we say goodbye?" Lea whispered.

Beca shoved her hands in her pockets, nodding her, "Yeah."

None of the patients were allowed past the doors by the nurses' station so the two were forced to say their goodbyes there.

"I'm gonna miss you so much, Beca." She whispered. She wanted to reach out and hug the older girl but knew how Beca felt about intimacy of any form and remained planted an arm's length from her.

"Hey, I'm not dying—they made sure of that. I'm just not gonna be in the next bed anymore. I'll still be around and you can call me as soon as I get a phone. I'll write you and give you my number and we can talk about how much Barden is going to suck."

"It's not going to be that bad. You're going to make friends, and you're going to have an awesome time."

Beca rolled her eyes, "Yeah, whatever," before adjusting the strap on her shoulder.

"I gotta go because check in is at like nine but remember what I told you, OK?"

Lea nodded and Beca mirrored her action, reaching out to place a comforting hand on the young teen's shoulder, squeezing lightly. Lea knew this was the closet she'd get to hug and accepted it for all it was worth.

Beca waited for the nurse to buzz open the door so that she could leave, and when the door shut behind her, Lea let a tear fall.

Beca glanced back one final time at the young girl as she turned the corner that led her out of that wing of the hospital. A guard was waiting by the elevator to escort her to the exit and he nodded at her in acknowledgment before motioning her to the waiting elevator car. When they made their way to the exit, she didn't move at first. Instead, she stared at the closed door for a few seconds before the guard reached around her to push open the door. She shoved her hands in her pockets, as she took the first steps into the Georgia air as a free woman. And despite how much she felt the weight that came with that freedom pressing down on her shoulder, she found herself smiling.

_Don't you stop, don't you run, don't you cry__  
__You'll do fine, you'll be good, you'll get by_

_Night after night seems like I rage against the moon__  
__But it don't ever light the dark__  
__I curse the falling rain__  
__But it won't stop for my complaining__  
__Down on my luck and up against the wind_

"Ladies, Ladies, Ladies. How are you doing this fine August morning?"

Aubrey looked at Chloe and rolled her eyes before turning her head to look at Bumper and Jesse who stood before them.

"What Bumper?"

"Can't we just ask how our fellow Barden Basketball players are doing? Or did you guys decide to call it quits after blowing the final shot in the playoffs last year?"

Aubrey tried to contain another eye roll as she allowed the snarky remark to roll of her tongue. "Speaking of blowing, Are you final able to blow yourself, or was that yoga class you took for nothing?"

Bumper's face sobered as he nodded, "No it actually worked. I can…I can blow myself."

Jesse looked at him, "No way dude. Seriously?"

Aubrey scoffed as she looked at Jesse, "Why do you even hang out with this pig? You're a decent guy."

Bumper cut in before Jesse could respond, "Because not everyone has a stick up their ass like you do."

Chloe, sensing her best friend was on the verge of exploding, took her hand and led her away from the two basketball players.

Bumper and Jesse turned around and watched them walk away as Bumper yelled out "Good luck this year. You girls are awesome... ly horrible. I hate you. Kill yourselves. Girl power! Sisters before misters!"

Aubrey turned around and stormed over to bumper in rage. "We are going to make it to the finals this year. I don't care what your lot thinks, but this year Barden's Woman's Basketball team will be national champions."

Chloe grabbed a hold of her friend's hand and led her in the direction of their dorm.

_Don't you stop, don't you run, don't you cry__  
__You'll do fine, you'll be good, you'll get by_

_Swimming against the tide and striking the indifferent air__  
__I'm swinging with empty hands__  
__Driving that empty dream_

Beca's eyes fluttered open the moment the car stopped moving. She didn't even remember falling asleep, and despite her discomfort of being so vulnerable in was essentially a stranger's car, she did manage to sleep through what she had to assume was hours of waiting in a long line of cars that led to the dorms.

"We're here. Do you need any help with you bags?"

She just shook her head, reaching into her wallet to pull out a bill, handing it to the older man on the opposite side of the partition. She mumbled a thanks before opening the door and stepping out of the car. She quickly made her way around to the trunk, and pulled it open, grabbing her duffel bag out of it.

Flinging the strap over her shoulder, she made her way to the administration building to pick up her keys and student ID, all things her father suggested she do in a very brief phone call she shared with him a few days prior.

Luckily, the lines in the rooms were divided by dorm and the line for private housing, the Barden Housing Units, was empty. She quickly made her way to the table and presented them with her state ID. As she filled out her check-in form, the attention of a rather loud group of people caught her attention. Ok, so maybe it wasn't a large group and they weren't that loud but they took the spots in the line next to them. The annoying sound of one of them bouncing a volleyball rang in her ear.

"C'mon Bree, why can't you come over?" One of the girls complained.

Beca rolled her eyes at the striking resemblance the girl's complaint had to a hormone raged teenage boy. But when she looked over, this wasn't a boy. It was girl, a very athletic girl if the muscles on her calves and arms said anything. Oh and there was the obvious soccer cleats tied to the strap of her book bag. Yeah, that kinda gave away her athletic status. Beca found that she had a striking resemblance to the soccer player Alex Morgan. She hated soccer but Lea loved it and apparently Alex Morgan was her "I'd go gay for" celebrity. The blonde in the annoying soccer players arms, 'Bree,' didn't seem too pleased with who Beca assumed was her girlfriend, and quickly pushed away the taller brunette.

"I'm not spending another night because I need to unpack before class on Monday. This is my senior year and I can't afford to mess up."

The redhead that had been standing patiently next to them spoke up with, "Hey, look. How about you go be with Charlie and I'll help you unpack tomorrow."

'Bree' looked at the redhead with an expression that old said 'why are you taking her side?' before looking back at Charlie and shaking her head, "OK, but you _both_ are helping me unpack tomorrow."

Beca shook her head, turning back to the older woman in front of her as she was handed her apartment key and student ID. Beca made a mental note to avoid that group of people during her entire matriculation at the school. Adjusting the bag on her shoulder, she turned around and by some stroke of bad luck, was face to face with the girl who she'd heard the redhead refer to as Charlie.

Her eyes narrowed in on the shorter girl. "I haven't seen you here before. Are you a transfer?"

Beca rolled her eyes and turned to walk past the group but was stopped by a strong hand pushing against her chest and forcing her to take a few steps back.

"Hey, I'm talking to you."

"I know and I'm _ignoring_ you." She said with a mocking grin. The redhead behind her chuckled and Beca once again moved to walk away but was stopped yet again. Charlie quickly reached down and snatched the ID card out of Beca's hand,

"Ha! You're a freshman. How wonderful."

"Leave her alone, Charlie." The girl with the curly red hair said, snatching the ID card from the taller woman. She handed it back to Beca who in turned raised an eye brow at her. She look so familiar but she couldn't for the life of her place where she'd known her from.

"Stay out of it Chloe."

So her name was Chloe. Good to know.

Charlie pushed her again and Beca sighed, trying her hardest to contain her anger. The last thing she needed was to be carted back to Mercy because of some asshole who was trying to show off for her girlfriend, who didn't look quite impressed by the entire encounter.

"Yes, I'm a freshman. So glad you can read. Now if we're done here, I'm gonna go."

Charlie didn't say anything and when Beca took a step forward, Charlie stepped in front of her. She bounced the volleyball was in her right hand, dribbling it arrogantly. Beca knew she wasn't a basketball player and had to stop herself from laughing at how easily she could embarrass the taller girl if she wanted to.

"You can go, but you have to get by me." Charlie looked over at her girlfriend with a smirk and winked at her before turning back to look at Beca. Beca rolled her eyes knowing she wasn't going to get past Charlie without a fight so, she dropped her bag, kicking it a few inches to the side before shoving her ID card and keys into her pocket. Charlie smirked at her, "So the Frosh wants to play. Show me what you got."

"Charlie, grow up."

"No, Aubrey. This freshman thinks she can disrespect me." She looked at Beca intensely before continuing, "Well I'll show you how disrespectful I can be."

Beca sighed, watching as Charlie dribbled the ball, crossing over from her left to right hand. Beca took a few seconds to assess that she was left handed and had a very week grip in her right. When the ball crossed to her right hand, she watched the taller brunette dribble it weakly for a few seconds and in the split second it took for Charlie to push the ball to her left hand, Beca stole the ball.

Glancing up, she looked over the other two women as they watched, amused as Charlie angrily got into a defensive stand, refusing to let Beca humiliate her. Beca got used to dribbling the volleyball. Although it bounced like a basketball, it was much smaller and felt foreign in her hands.

Charlie was playing her way to close, so she waited, baiting the taller girl and when she saw that arrogant grin on Charlie's face reappear as if she knew which way Beca was going to go, Beca quickly crossed over before spinning and dribbling past Charlie, picking her bag up in the process.

When the three upperclassmen turned to look at her, she tossed the ball to Chloe with a wink before looking at Charlie, "I guess this _freshman_ showed you how disrespectful _she_ can be."

As she walked away she could hear Chloe telling Charlie "That's why you should stick to soccer—what you're good at."

Chuckling to herself, she adjusted the strap of her bag on her shoulder.

"Hey wait!"

She turned around and saw the redhead, Chloe, was quickly making her way to her.

"You were really good back there." Chloe reached out to grab hold of Beca's hand which the brunette inadvertently snatched away and shoved into the pocket of her sweater. If the motion bothered Chloe, she didn't mention it.

"So, Aubrey—the blonde over there—she and I are co-captains of the basketball team and we think you should try out."

Beca looked past Chloe to where Aubrey and Charlie were eying the two menacingly before looking back into the blue eyes in front of her. The girl in front of her was attractive, she'd give her that, and the red hair only added to it. Yet, she wasn't going to go there-she refused to go there. With a coy smirk, she leaned in closer to the redhead and said, "I don't think your friend over there agrees with you."

Chloe bit her lip, sneaking a glance over her shoulder before looking back at Beca. "Don't mind her. She's just really nervous for the season. So, what do you say? Will you tryout?"

Beca sighed, her hand coming up to graze through her hair before retaking it's place in her pocket. "Sorry, I don't even play basketball."

For a moment, the look Chloe gave her made her reconsider but she knew she had to remain firm in her decision. She wanted to stay as _far_ as possible from a basketball court. With a quick goodbye, she turned and walked away. She stepped outside the administration building, chuckling lightly to herself. She still had it. Nearly a year without having ever touched a basketball and she still could execute her spin as if a day hadn't passed.

"Still haven't grown an inch?"

Beca grinned and turned around to face the girl standing on the sidewalk. Mary Elise walked closer to her and reached out to hug Beca, grinning widely at transformation of Beca's smile to a frown. It had always been a running joke between the two, Mary Elise would try and hug Beca while the shorter brunette would duck out of her grasp.

"I had no idea what time you're be here so I thought I come check here around nine. Do you have any more bags?"

"Nope, just this one." Beca reached into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone to show the older teen the address of where she'd be staying on campus. Mary Elise nodded, and the two began to make their way to the North side of campus.

"So, what did they send you home with?"

"A prescription for Zoloft and Vistaril for my insomnia. Oh and I have to check back with them in a month to make sure I'm 'adjusting' which is their way of saying that they want to make sure I'm staying sober."

"Man I hated Zoloft. The nausea was a bitch to deal with and your sex drive is shot. Plus orgasms are nonexistent." They turned onto the street where private housing was kept. Mary Elise, chuckled at the quiet calm blanketing the row of houses. "So I guess parties are out of the question for you?"

Beca rolled her eyes and scoffed, "The last thing I want is to be around a bunch of dumb fucks who can't hold their liquor. Besides, I like to get drunk in peace while watching netflix."

Mary Elise chuckled, "Well I guess you haven't changed." The two continued to walk in silence before Mary Elise looked over at Beca who was intently studying the ground as she walked. Pushing her glasses back from the edge of her nose she asked, "Are you glad you're out?"

Beca looked over at her for a moment before looking away to stare out in front of them. Mary Elise wasn't like Lea. She didn't know when to stop asking questions, or better yet, which questions not to ask. With a sigh she nodded her head, "Yeah, I guess. I mean, I liked the girls in the hospital and the staff was cool but I can only be asked, 'are you considering suicide' so many times before I want to hurt someone."

"Well are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Are you still thinking about it?"

"There's no answer to that."

Mary Elise stopped walking, quickly stepping in front of Beca to stop her from walking away. "It's a yes or no question Beca."

"No OK? I'm not thinking about it, currently." she exhaled sharply, her hand running through her hair as she tried to calm down. Leave it to Mary Elise to get her so riled up so suddenly. After a few seconds of clenching and unclenching her fists as she calmed down, she looked up at Mary Elise, "Sorry...I'm not thinking about it, but the reason I did it in the first place is still there. It didn't just disappear."

Mary Elise stepped out of her way and Beca was grateful that she let the conversation drop as they continued to walk in silence the remainder of the way to Beca's apartment. Beca fished the keys out of the side pocket of her duffel bag, walking up the stairs of her apartment, Mary Elise trailing behind. When she finally managed to get the door open, Mary Elise stepped inside from behind the small brunette and took in the quaint space.

"Wow...your father must really love you."

Beca dropped her bag by the door with a scoff, "He thinks he can throw a bunch of money and an expensive apartment at me to make up for the years of my life he was absent. Well he can take his attempts to buy my love and shove it."

Mary Elise looked at her friend-Beca's blue eyes scanning the apartment in scorn and contempt-and in her attempt to change the subject she said, "Well, the university is finally forking over the funds to build a new fine arts building. That means larger art rooms, more supplies."

"That's great. I—I I haven't really painted since—you know. I—I didn't want them getting inside my head and you know how I tend to put every thought in my head onto the canvas."

Mary Elise nodded in understanding, "I completely get it. Well hey, if you don't like the openness of the art rooms, a few of us like to head down to the basement and paint. No one ever goes down there and we can leave our work there to dry."

Beca nodded, "Yeah that'd be...I'd really like that."

Mary Elise went to return the smile Beca offered her but stopped suddenly at the deep frown plaguing Beca's face suddenly. However, before she could ask what was wrong Beca was speaking to someone behind her.

"What are you doing here?"

Mary Elise turned around to see Warren Mitchell standing awkwardly in the doorway.

"Hello Dr. Mitchell." she said, trying to ease the tension thick in the air. The older man returned the greeting before silence fell over the room again and Mary Elise took this as her sign to leave the two alone. Ignoring Beca's protests to stay, she walked to the door motioning to Beca that she would call her later.

The door slammed shut, leaving the two alone. Warren, not wanting to give Beca the opportunity to walk away and lock herself in her room until her left, pulled out a piece of paper from the inside pocket of his suit jacket.

Looking at the paper in his hand, he hesitated in handing it to his daughter. "You know, you didn't have to take a taxi here. I'd already taken the day off to come and pick you up."

Beca rolled her eyes, "Wow, an entire day! What did I do to get so lucky?"

"No need for the sarcasm."

Beca rolled her eyes and walked past her father to pick up her duffel bag, dragging it to the couch.

"It wasn't necessary. I never needed anything from you before so why start now?"

Warren frowned, his hand coming up to scratch at the back of his neck nervously. "I—I just thought you wanted to start over. You—you called me in May and practically begged me to let you live with me. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea that you want to start new with me, Sheila and Daniel but now you're doing a complete 360."

Beca dropped the clothes in her hands onto the couch with an irritated sigh." "I wasn't running to you. I was running from New York, _dad_."

"I—I don't understand. What were you running—?"

Beca ran her hand through her hair, finally turning to look at her father. "Look. I don't want to talk about this. If I did, I would have added you to my visitors list back at Mercy."

Warren, taken aback, sighed and placed the folded piece of paper in his hand on the arm of the couch. "I'm going to go."

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea."

Warren shook his head regretfully and headed towards the door. He reached for the door knob, pulling the door open before turning back to his daughter who continued to stare angrily at the floor with her arms crossed in contempt. "Beca, for what it's worth, I'm glad that you're ok now." He waited for his daughter to respond, and when she walked into the back room instead, he sighed sadly and closed the door behind him.

Beca waited until she was sure her father had left before going back into the living room to finish unpacking her things. She spotted the folded piece of paper on the arm of the couch and opened it. It was her schedule for the semester. With a sigh, she threw the paper behind her and returned to her bag.

A few hours later after having finally packed away all of her clothes, she reached into the duffel bag where she'd stored several tubes of oil paint. She didn't have a canvas but with a few sheets of printing paper and scotch tape she managed to construct a 22x30 canvas sheet that she taped to her wall since she also lacked an easel.

She immediately got to work, painting the first thing that came into her mind. It didn't take long for her to construct something and when she realized what it was she dipped her brush into the blank paint and painted a huge X over it before balling up the paper. Why did everything she paint end up looking like _her_?

It was moments like this that made her want a drink. Unfortunately, she knew with her pending urinalysis in the coming week, she couldn't have anything alcoholic. With a sigh, she threw the makeshift canvas into the trash and grabbed her apartment keys, shoving them into her sweater pocket before heading out the door, not bothering to lock it. She decided to look around campus so that she wouldn't be completely lost on the first day of classes. She absolutely hated walking into an unknown situation without a least of bit of information about it beforehand. Knowing where the buildings her classes were going to be held in were located, took out a bit of the uncertainty that came with starting at a new school.

Somehow, she found her way to the gym, and to her excitement, there was a discarded ball lying in the bleachers. Figuring it probably landed over there and was forgotten about, she picked up the Wilson and began shooting around. The only way besides painting that she found quickly released any tension building within her. She shot basket after basket, worked on her spin against imaginary opponents, and pretended to get fouled as she went for layups. Just knowing the skills she possessed in high school that laid dormant until now still existed made her smile despite how scornful she was towards the sport.

"It's fourth and Roosevelt's down by two. Beca Mitchell brings the ball down court." she provided fake commentary and she dribbled the ball, managing not to slip in her slippery converse on the freshly waxed floors.

Stopping at the top of the key, she faked left before crossing over behind her back and stepping right, immediately pulling up for the three pointer. She watched the ball travel through the air, welcoming the familiar swish as it traveled through the net.

"She's done it again ladies and gentlemen. Beca Mitchell has won it all for the third year in a row." She cheered, her hands swinging wildly above her head as she did a victory dance in the empty gym...or so she thought.

"Can you do that again?"

Beca' hands dropped immediately as she quickly spun on her heels to face the source of the voice. A woman, maybe around her mother's age stood in the door of the gym, a clipboard in hand as she pointed to the hoop.

"Can I—can I do what again?"

The mystery woman gestured to the basket. "Can you make that shot again?"

Beca looked from where the basketball lay discarded on the floor back to the mysterious woman who'd walked further into the gym as she asked her question. "And who are you?"

The woman chuckled and walked over to Beca, extending her hand.

"I'm sorry. That was rude of me. I'm Coach Abernathy-McKadden. Apparently college students can't comprehend more than one name at a time so most of my girls call me Coach Abernathy or Coach McKadden."

"Coach? Coach for what?"

Coach Abernathy pointed at the stitched emblem on her shirt, "I coach the woman's basketball team. So, back to my question. Can you make that shot again?"

Beca studied the woman in front of her. Of course she could make the shot again, but she wasn't going to. The last thing she need was Coach McKadden whatever, thinking she could play basketball. She did not want to play that stupid sport ever again and this woman wasn't going to make her.

"No. I just got lucky I guess."

Coach Abernathy picked up the ball and held it out in front of Beca, "Ok. Well, have a go at it again just in case."

Beca stared at the ball nervously, before reaching out to take the ball. She looked at the hoop and back at Coach Abernathy before getting in position to shoot. How could she possibly miss a shot she spent so many years perfecting? She raised the ball in front of her and bent her knees. She let the ball roll off her fingers as she shot, but this time, she extended her elbow out to her side just as she let the ball go.

Both women watched the ball hit the side of the rim before bouncing off and flying to the side of the gym. Secretly exhaling in relief, Beca turned back to Coach Abernathy and smirked. "See, a lucky shot."

Coach Abernathy looked at Beca and shook her head, "Now, Miss-"

"Beca, uh, just call me Beca."

"Now Beca, I've coached basketball for many years at various levels so I know what a good form is. It's what I stress to the elementary leagues I coach over the summer. I watched you set up to shoot, and your body naturally transitioned into the correct form to shoot, that is, until you poked your arm out right before you released the ball. Like you were _trying_ to miss." She stared at Beca seriously, Beca failing miserable to hide the 'busted' look on her face.

"So, let's be real here Beca. How long have you been playing?"

Beca shook her head, "it doesn't matter. I'm never playing again." she reached down to pick up her sweater that she'd dropped at the half court line.

"I think you should reconsider Beca. My team has been ranked top ten for the past three years. Conference champions for the past five."

Beca internally rolled her eyes. Trophies stopped impressing her a long time ago. "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Coach Abernathy looked taken aback as she cleared her throat. "I'm just saying, I think you'd be an asset to my team."

"You saw me shoot once. You have no idea how valuable I am?"

"Oh but I do Beca Mitchell."

Beca couldn't keep the surprise off her face as she listened to the older woman continue to speak.

"MVP for team east in the McDonalds All American match her sophomore year. State tournament MVP three years in a row for the four time NY champions, and two time national champions Roosevelt High school. So, Beca, I do know you and I also know you publicly rejected offers from UCONN and NYU."

"So if you know all of this, then you know that I quit basketball after high school."

"Look, Beca. It's obvious how talented you-"

Beca held up her hand, "Just save this whole speech you've prepared. I'm not playing anyway. It's as simple as that." And she walked away, ignoring Coach Abernathy's calls that tryouts were the following week.

_Day after Day I fend myself against heat__  
__But it don't ever cool the breeze__  
__Don't you stop, don't you run, don't you cry_

Beca stared at the glass bottle in her hand for several minutes, just watching its contents swish around inside the bottle as she turned it upside down and back upright again. She knew this would set her back so far in her recovery and completely flush away all of the hard work she'd done thus far to get sober, but she needed a drink. It was the only thing that helped with the memories and unfortunately, when she finally managed to get the haunted pictures out her mind, she'd finished off the bottle. Pulling the hood on her sweater over her head, she crawled onto her couch, drawing her knees to her chest as the alcohol coursing through her blood stream lulled her to sleep.

* * *

_**There are some original characters in this story and I have a "cast" for them. If you want me to list the actors in the next chapter let me know.**_


	2. Note

So, I've received a lot of messages on here and tumblr asking that I repost this story. I've decided to go ahead and do that. As many of you know, I am working on getting this published but in my revision such major changes have been made (e.g. they're no longer a basketball team) that I figured I can repost this.

Since I'll be starting graduate school in the fall (I guess they really liked my thesis on fanfiction) I won't have time to do much of anything during the school year aside from course work. So with that being said, I hope I can finally begin posting the two stories I have in the works. I've never worked on two stories at a time but with the stress in my life, fanfiction is such a great relief so I'm going to try and write as much as I can. So look out for _When the Music Fades. _I also plan to _finally_ post the _Stranger _rewrite (although it might be under a different name). So _When the Music Fades_ is the priority for this month but I'll also try and post the second story.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**To Forget Means Sanity**

I absolutely love Five Finger Death Punch and when this song came up on shuffle on my IPod I knew I had to incorporate it into this story someway. Beca is really angry at the world and in the song lyrics, she's apologizing to her mother for not being good enough to help her while the father she's referring to is God.

_Oh, dear mother, I love you  
I'm sorry, I wasn't good enough  
Dear father, forgive me  
'Cause in your eyes, I just never added up  
In my heart I know I failed you, but you left me here alone_

_Dear Dad,_

_You're a professor with several degrees in English Literature, British Literature, and Linguistics. So, it's safe to assume you can give a lengthy and accurate definition of the word abandon, correct? How about a definition of hate? See, there's all these literal terms and phrases to describe these word but nothing can truly encompass all of the hate I harbor towards you because you abandoned me. You left me alone to the mercy of her and ran off to play house with another woman. Does your son Daniel look at his mother and wonder how much tequila she's had before the eight am news or if the white powder on the coffee table is sugar? Did he ever eat that powder and end up in the emergency room, having to lie about where he ingested cocaine lest he risk being taken away by ACS? Does your son fear going to sleep because Sheila might burn down the house if she blacks out making dinner—on the rare occasions she makes dinner? Better yet, when you look at your son on the baseball field in his crisp white baseball jersey, are his arms littered in scars where he'd fallen on shards of broken glass the one time he made the mistake of trying to snatch the bottle of tequila out of his mother's hand? No? Is your answer no to all of the questions I've posed? Maybe if you'd stuck around for me my answer would be no as well._

"Beca...Beca"

Beca sat up abruptly. A sharp sound echoed through her apartment as knuckles wrapped on the thick wood of her bedroom door. She'd grown accustom to locking her bedroom door from a small age, something she did to protect her during the night.

Her hand flew to her head, the harsh reminder of how much she drunk the night before, weighing down on her. However, despite how sick she felt now, drinking did help her sleep. Back in the hospital she could afford to stay awake for days until her body forced her into a dreamless sleep but now, with classes and homework, she didn't have the luxury of staying awake in the night.

"Beca, are you in here?"

With a loud groan, she pulled herself out of bed and trudged over to the door, pulling it open. Not bothering to greet her father, she turned back around to return to bed.

"Beca, it's after noon. Why are you still in bed?"

"Because I'm tired." she mumbled, pulling her cover over her head.

"Beca, why aren't you in class? I made your schedule remember." He looked down at his watch, "You should be heading to English Composition now."

Beca groaned, sitting up in her bed once she realized Warren wasn't going to leave until she went to class. "I'm posing an important philosophical question. If I don't actually go to that class will it still suck?"

"Really funny. Beca, I'm not going to let you lock yourself in this room or the art room. If you're going to be on campus, at least pretend you want to be here."

Beca pushed her blanket aside and stood up, "I don't have to do anything, _dad."_

"Beca, listen-"

"No, _you_ listen. You don't get to decide when you want to be a father to me. You left me with her...you ran off and decided to start another family. Never once did my _dad_ visit me in New York. Not once! So don't decide to slap on the father title because it's convenient."

Warren stood by the door, unsure of what to say. Her words hurt him, they were both aware of that, but he knew she had every right to be angry with him. Despite how much he wished they could wipe the slate clean and start over, that metaphorical slate was marred in permanent ink and it may never come clean. He sighed, and instead of choosing to cause an argument with his daughter, he held back his emotions and changed the subject to the reason he initially came to see the young brunette.

"Beca, um...you're barely passing your classes, and I'm not going to pay for you to be here if you're just going to half-ass your way through college." He walked further into the room, ignorant to the uncomfortable step back his daughter took. "Dr. Granger suggested that you get involved in something to keep your mind active and help with the depression."

"I have my art."

"I know, and that's great honey, but you need something that involves other people. Something to give you the chance to socialize. I ran into coach McKadden and she mentioned that she saw you."

Beca sighed annoyance. Of course she ran to her father when listing her team's accolades didn't convince her to join the team. "Yeah, so what. I told her I wasn't interested in trying out."

"Well, I told her that you would try out."

Beca's head whipped up from where she was searching through her dresser for something to wear for that day. "Why would you do that?" she yelled. "I told her I didn't want to play basketball anymore."

Warren looked at his daughter in confusion. Even in the years spent apart from her, he knew just how talented Beca was in the sport. He may not have been around for her in the flesh, but he kept tabs on his daughter, bragging to his colleagues about all of her accomplishments and championship titles she'd won during her high school career. He may have been there physically during all of his son, Daniel's, baseball games but he watched Beca's games on television. He had bookmarked on his phone so that he could keep up with her sports career. Yet, he knew Beca would have traded all of that for a phone call or a visit. And that was what he knew would always haunt their relationship. Abandonment.

"I don't understand. Basketball was your everything, Beca."

She scoffed, crossing her arms as she returned to sit on her bed. God, she could really use a drink. Anything to get rid of the thoughts of why she'd quit the sport when the opportunity presented itself. She really needed him to leave so that she could indulge herself. She hated _her_ for tainting the word. She couldn't even think about basketball without her mind being thrown into a pensive freeway of memories and nightmares.

Warren sighed at his daughter's insistent silence, "Look Beca, if you're not willing to at least try and be a student, you can go back to New York with your mother. I—I don't want a repeat of last summer and you're not happy here… I just don't want to see you get hurt again."

Beca looked up at her father, seeing the anguish on his face. Despite how much she hated him, she didn't want to go home. Not to New York and especially not to _her_.

"What will it take for you to leave me alone?"

Warren smiled sadly as he walked further into the room and leaned on the dresser by the door, "Beca, I've been teaching here for ten years. It might not seem like it now but college is...it's great. You get to create memories here, I see it every day. You just have to give it a chance. You've been here, what, a month now? Do you have any friends?"

"Mary Elise is my friend."

He sighed with an uncharacteristic eye roll. "Oh, that one."

"There's nothing wrong with Mary Elise."

"And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with her. I just think that you should try to socialize with people outside of the hospital."

"Why? So they can try to get me to party and drink?" she said sarcastically, internally smiling because she knew he wouldn't have a counter to that.

Warren shook his head in frustration, "Beca, just promise me you'll try out. That's all I ask."

Beca sighed, "Ok. But I can't guarantee that I'll even make the team."

Dr. Mitchell smiled reaching for the door, "I know you'll make it. You don't get to be player of the year your freshman year of high school if you weren't."

Beca watched her father leaving, the lingering question of how her father knew she'd made player of the year her freshman year?

_If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain?  
'Cause I remember everything.  
If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets?  
'Cause I remember everything._

She had no idea why she even bothered to show up. She had vowed on March 7, the day she took her final shot in a high school basketball game, that she'd never play the sport again. Basketball ruined her life and she'd be damned if she let it intrude and destroy the walls she built that kept _that _part of her life out.

But yet, here she was standing in the Barden University Pete Maverich gymnasium, watching as several girls shot around on the court. There were maybe fifteen girls scattered on one half of the gym while the other half was occupied by ten or so girls, of whom she noticed the two girls she saw that day back in the administration building. She didn't think she could do this, just the smell of the gym brought back terrible memories, ones she wasn't ready to face yet.

She glanced down at her shoes to make sure they were tied. She threw away all of her sports gear after graduation, which left her without basketball sneakers. This left her with no other choice but to wear her high top converse. Warren had bought her a pair of green and white hyper-dunks and although she loved the shoe, she decided against wearing them because she didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

"Let's get this over with Mitchell." she mumbled to herself before stepping into the gym. Going over to the other side of the gym where the non-veteran players were, she picked up a ball off the rack and began shooting around. She started inside the three point line, just to warm up and after having made several shots in a row, she took a few steps back, deciding to shoot from various points on the three point line. One of the girls standing by the basket returned the ball to her and she positioned herself to shoot.

"You made it!"

She dropped her hands at the sudden voice. Unfortunately, her prayers to stay incognito had gone unanswered. She turned around to come face to face with the red head, Chloe, from the administration building, who stood staring at her with a wide grin.

"Trust me, it wasn't by choice." she said with contempt.

"Well you're here and that's all that matters." She reached out and looped her arm around Beca's—well she attempted to but Beca discreetly stepped to the side before Chloe's arm could connect with hers. The redhead eyed her suspiciously before smiling again and pointing to the other side of the gym where a few of the girls were watching their exchange.

"Come and meet the rest of the girls." She led Beca over to the other side of the court, ignoring the brunette's protest. "Guys, I have someone I want you to meet. This is..." she trailed off in embarrassment realizing she didn't know Beca's name. She looked at Beca who sighed and waved at the group.

"I'm Beca." Immediately, her eyes met the blonde—Aubrey—whose look of disdain matched the one she'd given Beca a month earlier. Turning back to Chloe, she shook her head, "I think I should just stay over there. I'm just trying out to get my dad off my back. I don't think-"

"Now I remember this bitch." Everyone turned to look at the tall leggy brunette that was currently making her way over to where Beca stood with Chloe.

One of the girls with the number fifteen on her practice jersey instigated the tense situation when she piped in with "Ooh, someone's about to unleash the kraken."

Beca furrowed her brow as she raked her brain for any indication of where she knew the tall brunette from. Nothing. She was coming up blank. "I'm sorry but do I know you?"

The girl crossed her arms, shaking her head as she said, "That doesn't matter. What's important is that _I_ know _you_. You were lightening. Had the best crossover I've ever seen." When her frown faltered and transformed into a smile, Beca released a breath of air she didn't realize she'd been holding.

The taller brunette extended her hand, of which Beca took hesitantly, "I'm Stacie. I went to Mount Saint Alexander in Glen Falls. What happened to you? I thought you'd end up at UConn or Notre Dame easily. Why'd you just disappear?"

Aubrey, stood with her arms crossed, and turned to ask Stacie, "Do you know her?"

"Yeah, I'm shocked you don't. She was Gatorade player of the year my freshman year of high school. I think she was like MVP for team east in the under Armour all American match and her school was national champions like a gillion years in a row."

Aubrey turned to Beca with a frown, "Is that true?"

Beca looked from Stacie to Aubrey and shrugged, "it's no big deal. I-"

"I knew you looked familiar in the Admin building! You played in the WBCA high school all American game right?"

Beca looked at Chloe in confusion before the memory came flooding back, burrowing out of the vault of memories she'd buried deep in her subconscious. "Ha, I remember. You were the one with the pink shoe laces." She started to add what Julia said about the pink laces, 'This is a basketball game not a fashion show', but immediately stopped herself, remembering she didn't give a damn about anything Julia _ever_ said to her.

Chloe beamed at her. She opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by Coach Abernathy stepping in the center of the circle.

"I'm glad you all have met our latest freshman recruit."

"Freshman? Shouldn't you be a sophomore?" Stacie questioned.

Beca stammered for a response and when she couldn't come up with one, she simply stated, "I took a year off."

Coach Abernathy said, "Ok, enough with twenty questions. There are eight of you not including Beca. We have seven open spots. I'm splitting you guys into two teams, and we're going to scrimmage. Chloe and Aubrey are captains and you'll choose _fairly_ amongst the girls trying out. Beca can you join the girls on the other side?"

Beca nodded mumbling she'd talk to Chloe later, before jogging over to the other side.

When Coach Abernathy finished explaining what she expected of today's tryouts, Chloe and Aubrey walked to the half court line.

"She's wearing Converse for Christ's sake!" Aubrey lamented, glancing over to the freshman on the other side of the court.

Chloe shrugged, waving at Beca, "So? I think it makes her all the more mysterious."

Aubrey rolled her eyes and huffed, "I hope she knows she can't play with those monstrosities in her ears."

"Last time I checked, Charlie has one of those _monstrosities_ on her lip."

Aubrey sighed, her arms folding across her chest, "And I hate that too."

_I feel like running away  
I'm still so far from home  
You say that I'll never change  
But what the fuck do you know?  
I'll burn it all to the ground before I let you in  
Please forgive me, I can't forgive you now.  
I remember everything._

Chloe picked first and immediately chose Beca, leaving Aubrey to pick from the pool of the remaining fifteen girls. After everyone was divided into two teams, Chloe and Aubrey chose their starting five, and the remaining girls would be substituted in two or three at a time every five minutes.

Lily, Fat Amy, Beca and Stacie were on Chloe's team while Jessica, Cynthia Rose, and Ashley and Denise were on Aubrey's team. The game went along smoothly. Beca, much to her chagrin, managed to impress many of the veteran players with her skills. However, after Beca had been substituted in for the second time, this time on Aubrey's team, the problems began. Beca had just received the ball and instead of passing it down low to Stacie like Aubrey had instructed her to do when she came in, she took the jump shot a few steps away from the free throw line. The ball went in with ease and the rest of the team seemed pleased, turning to run down to the opposite end of the court. Beca turned to do the same but was stopped before she could take a step by the older captain.

"What the hell, Beca?"

Beca looked up at the blonde in confusion. "What's wrong?"

Aubrey took a few steps closer as she looked down at the freshman in anger. "What's wrong, is the fact that you completely ignored my instructions."

Beca looked around in amusement at the other girls who watched intently. "I don't understand. The shot was open, so I took it."

"But I specifically instructed you to pass down to Stacie or fat Amy."

Beca rolled her eyes, but instead of picking a fight, something her old self would have done without hesitation, she nodded her head, mock saluting to senior captain "Got it. I won't forget next time."

However, the next time Beca received the ball, she made it a point to purposely ignore the blonde's instructions and shoot once again, this time outside the three point line. Aubrey, as expected, stormed over to the small brunette ready to tear into her.

Beca put a hand up to stop her before the captain could get a word out. "Everyone heard you yell at me before and Denise was clearly expecting the pass. I'm sorry but I wasn't going to make that pass."

"What makes you think you're qualified to make decisions like that?"

Beca looked at the coach who waited impatiently on the side line as if Aubrey's dramatics were nothing new. Clapping her hands together, Beca stepped back from the fuming captain, "You know what, you're right. I'm not qualified to make decisions as important as reading the defense and knowing they're going to steal the ball on a pass you're _insisting_ I make. You're absolutely right."

She could hear a few people laugh and when she looked over at Chloe and saw her biting her lip to hold back a chuckle she winked at the redhead, smirking at the smile she received in return.

"How dare-"

"That's enough ladies. I think I've seen enough." Coach Abernathy walked over to where the girls stood. "Cuts will be made today. The remaining girls that make it through will return Thursday at 6 am. If you've made it through you should receive an email from me tonight by eight pm. Any questions?"

When she didn't receive an answer she dismissed the group.

Beca sighed as she walked past Coach Abernathy to grab her bag off the bleachers. Quickly pulling on her sweater, she zipped it up with haste, knowing the longer she was in the gym the more likely someone would walk up to her to begin a conversation she wasn't rude enough to walk away from—no matter how much she might want to. Adjusting the gym bag on her shoulder, she pulled out her iPhone and connected her headphones. However, before she could get an ear bud in her ear, her name was being called. Great. Just fucking great. Turning around to tell the older woman she really needed to get to some imaginary appointment, she couldn't open her mouth before coach Abernathy was telling her what a great display she had today.

"I've only heard about your skill in passing conversation but seeing you out there on the court, you're a natural. I'm really glad you showed up today."

Beca rolled her eyes as she adjusted her weight from one foot to the other. "Well, I didn't have much of a choice."

"We all have choices Beca."

"Yeah, well some choices are taken from you while others leave you with only one option."

The older woman cocked her head as she examined Beca in confusion.

Shaking her head in frustration, knowing the blonde was reading into her statement, she put in her headphones. "Look, I have to go."

"Oh, of course. I don't want to hold you."

She probably said something else but by then Beca had already hit play on her iPhone and drowned out the rest of the world as she nearly ran back to the safety of her room.

_It all went by so fast  
I still can't change the past  
I always will remember everything  
If we could start again,  
Would that have changed the end?  
We remember everything, everything._

_So I have this written up to about chapter 9 and I'm limiting myself to posting once a week because I still need to edit them and I really can't distract myself during the final weeks of school. So, expect another chapter around this time next week, give or take, a day. If you haven't already, check out my post on my tumblr asking which mascot you prefer for barden. I have two options, The Bears and The Royal Knights and I kinda drafted sample logos for each. If you have an idea aside from that let me know. _

_Mascot: .com (slash) post (slash) 115737364933 (slash) so-which-one-the-barden-bears-or-the-barden-royal _

_Also Here's a link to the post I made about the cast: .com (slash) post (slash) 115987802133 (slash) julia-matthews-scottie-thompson-robert-tom_


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

**My Mind Is Shattered but My Memories Are Not**

_Dear Emma,_

_Why didn't you warn me?_

From: ( ) barden

To: Beca Mitchell ( )

_**Rebeca A. Mitchell**_

_**Congratulations, you have made it past the first trial of tryouts for the Barden University's Women's Basketball Team. You are expected to show up at the Mavarich Gym at 6 am Thursday, September 13 if you plan to proceed with tryouts. We look forward to seeing you.**_

She really should have just deleted the email. It was as simple as that. Select the email and hit delete. Two simple steps.

But a part of her did want to come here today, to prove to herself that she could still play, even if _She_ had tainted the innocence of it—of her. So, she promised herself she would at least try to go back to normal. To stop drinking and try to get sober—again. Easier said than done, but she had done it before—even if it wasn't by choice. Voluntary or not, it showed she could exist without whiskey or vodka in her bloodstream. And despite how great and badass movies made depression and hopelessness seem, it fucking sucked and Beca would give anything at this point to stop feeling it. Which brings us to now, and why she's standing in the gym at six am on a Thursday.

Coach Abernathy walked in not long after her and immediately began. Beca sighed and walked further into the gym and took a seat on the bleachers away from the rest of the girls. She saw Chloe waving her over but she simply shook her head and took a seat in an isolated section of the stands.

"For our potential new players, you're here today because you displayed a great deal of talent Tuesday. Whether it was how well you worked within the parameters given to you, how well you played defense, etc. You're all here for a reason. However, as I said yesterday I'm looking to add seven to eight players to my team. Twelve of you were called back. Today will weed out those who can bounce a ball and those who will be a dedicated member of the Barden Women's basketball team. If you all make it through today, then I'll welcome all twelve of you. However, past years have shown that rarely happens. Now that I've seen you play, the rest of tryouts will test your dedication to this team."

She looked at the veteran players that were standing up to walk to the sidelines.

"Now, this isn't most of you all's first time on a court and I think it's safe to assume that most of you began getting in shape over the summer. If you have, then this part will be easy, and if you haven't, well better luck next year because we have a tough schedule ahead of us and the last thing I need is trying to teach of a group of girls plays that can't breathe enough to run them."

All of the new girls including Beca looked at the veterans in confusion as they stared back with mischievous Cheshire grins. "Fifty laps around the gym girls. Aubrey you lead the pack and I'll be in the equipment room counting the leftovers from last year's inventory."

Before Beca could even question it, the veterans were jogging over to the corner of the gym to begin. The non-veterans looked at Coach Abernathy as if she'd grown two heads.

"Let's go ladies. It's roughly three miles. Like I said before, if you began working out in the summer it'll be easier. I won't blame you for leaving now."

A few girls stood up, grabbing their things and exited the gym. Beca wanted to be amongst them, but she stayed against her better judgment.

With a sigh, knowing she wasn't in shape at all, she stood up and began jogging behind the running group of girls. While in the hospital, she did pass the time playing tennis with Lea and it helped a bit with her endurance but she knew it would barely get her through these fifty laps around the gym.

_I have got to change my ways  
'Cause I'm losing my mind  
I have got to stop drinking  
'Cause I'm dying inside_

To her surprise she was able to run about five minutes straight before her chest began to burn and legs began to ache. She probably would have been able to run further if she weren't battling a hangover. Finishing off that bottle of Smirnoff before bed might not have been the greatest idea, but she wouldn't have been able to sleep otherwise. On top of everything, the medicine she prescribed came with a side effect of lethargy and boy was it kicking in now. Beca managed to talk herself into completing one more lap before she stopped completely. She looked around noticing a few other of the non-veterans were in the same position as her. However, it was in her survey of the room she noticed one girl with light blonde hair running meters ahead of everyone else. Beca thought she honestly belonged on a track field than a basketball court.

Her hands laced themselves above her head and as she walked the next lap to catch her breath she caught wind of the tail end of the conversation of two people as they passed her. Looking up, she could see the retreating form of Aubrey and Cloe. It was Aubrey's condescending voice she recognized.

"I knew she wasn't cut out to play with us."

That was it. She had it with this woman's snide remarks and judgments on her without even knowing her. She hadn't said anything to her that would warrant such criticism and if she had been her old self, the old girl her high school teammates dubbed "Mitchell the menace," her sophomore year she would have already resorted to violence. It was fitting seeing as she was constantly in foul trouble because of her temper. It wasn't her fault really. She _hated_ being touched and certain people didn't know the concept of boundaries. So if a player happened to grab her jersey (which is illegal in the game) or push her (also illegal)—or any touch really, Beca was compelled to touch them back. Over and over and over again in their face with her fist.

"You have something to say to me?" She asked in irritation.

Aubrey stopped immediately, and turned around. Beca dropped her hands from where they rested above her head and took a few steps towards the senior. Many of the girls used the pending confrontation to catch their breaths.

"I knew from the moment you walked in here you wouldn't make the cut."

Beca smirked, "You really don't like me, do you?"

Aubrey crossed her arms and nodded her head, "I don't like your attitude."

"You don't even know me."

"I don't have to know you to know that you think rules don't apply to you. That you can just come in here and be entitled a spot on the team."

Beca's eyes widened in surprise. So that's what this was about? Her basketball career? Really fucking mature, Aubrey. "Is that so?"

"Yeah, it is. I knew you were all hype. Stacie says you're some basketball prodigy and yet you barely can run five minutes. How could you possible last an entire half?"

Chloe stood to the side, obviously torn between sticking up for Beca and not angering her best friend even more.

Beca put her hands up in surrender. "Look, Aubrey. I don't have a problem running, it's just that I take—I take medication and one of the side effects is—"

"You can shove all of those pills down your throat for all I care. If you want to be on this team you will do as I say and I say run."

Whether or not Chloe read how close Aubrey's statement hit home for Beca, she didn't say but she stepped up to Aubrey's side,

"That was a little harsh don't you think, Bree?"

Beca, taken aback, bit her lip to hold back the anger brimming at the surface. She shook her head, motioning for Chloe to not even bother. She didn't need to stand here and accept this, especially from some bitch who thought she was in a position to judge.

"No, it's alright Chloe. I'm going to just go." She spun on her heals to walk in the direction of the bleachers where her bag sat. Quickly picking up the Nike bag, she pulled it over her head and across her chest as she searched for her phone. Her anger was filling her with rage and she felt like she was suffocating in the gym. She _needed_ to get out of here.

Chloe immediately reached out to grab Beca's hand as she passed, telling her not to go, but the brunette quickly snatched it away.

"No. This team doesn't need me and I _definitely_ don't need the stress of this team in my fucking life."

Pulling out her phone, she texted the kid, Ron, that lived a few apartments down. He had a large supply of booze and she was hoping he'd be able to give her a bottle and she'd pay him later.

Aubrey rolled her eyes as she called to Beca. "Beca, I hope you know no one cares about this little tantrum you're throwing."

Beca continued walking, "Yeah, fuck you too."

She made her way down the hallway, checking her phone as she waited for the three dots on her screen to transform to a message.

"Beca, stop. Just wait a minute."

She really hoped Coach Abernathy didn't think she was going to convince her to stay. No, it was a mistake coming here in the first place. Fuck Aubrey, fuck this team, and fuck basketball. Chloe was cool, but she lived just fine without her before and she'll definitely be fine without her tomorrow.

"I'm not going back." she said, turning around to face the older woman. She rolled her eyes when she noticed the green jersey being held out in front of her. Coach Abernathy insisted Beca take the shirt and with a sigh Beca complied. Taking it in her hand and opening it, she saw the number double zero, the number she wore all throughout high school, emblazoned on the back.

"Obviously your customized one won't be here for a week or so but I managed to dig out this old one from the equipment closet. I watched you closely Tuesday, and it really was a formality-the tryout. I know you aren't in shape. You weren't expecting to play this year, but I know that you're dedicated and you'll find a way to catch up with the rest of the team. Just don't give up before you give it a shot."

"I don't want to play basketball!" Beca shook her head, handing the jersey back to Coach Abernathy. "There's a reason I stopped playing after high school."

Coach Abernathy nodded her head "Ok. I won't force you but please reconsider it. You're very talented Beca and it would be a shame to see such talent go to waste."

Beca turned away without another word and walked back to her room.

_I feel twice as old as I am  
And it's getting worse  
I can't escape the curse  
I'm in the palm of habit's hand_

A coffee tumbler waited for her at her door in a brown paper bag behind the flower pot on her front step. When she saw it she smiled, picking it up and opening her door. Twisting off the cap, she took a sip of the liquid inside and smiled at the burn of the bourbon as it trickled down her throat. "I fucking love Ron," she mumbled to herself.

Kicking the door shut behind her, she dropped her gym bag by the door and sat the tumbler on the coffee table before walking into her room. She reached for the light switch, managing to flick it on. Unfortunately, her arm hit the box of the trophies on the dresser near the switch, sending it crashing to the floor. With an annoyed sigh, she reached down and picked it up, staring in irritation at the box. Picking up one in particular—which was ironically enough, the first trophy she'd ever won playing basketball—she stared down at it in contempt. She didn't even want to bring the stupid things but her father called himself trying to help and packed them in the car. Walking to the front door, she opened the door and walked out to the curb where her garbage cans were and dropped them for the garbage truck to collect the next morning. If she could, she'd burn the fucking things.

She quickly made her way back into the brownstone and walked over to the couch. Blindly reaching for the tumbler on the coffee table, she twisted off the top, carelessly throwing it to the side. She took sip after sip, welcoming the burn that let her know it was strong enough to have the desired effect. Soon enough her vision began to blur and not long after, it all faded to black.

"_Emma, why do you insist on dragging Beca out here in the hot sun to _watch_ us play? She's probably bored as hell."_

_Eight year old Beca Mitchell looked up from where she sat on the sidelines. Her head rested in her hands as she watched the high school girls play what had been an intense three on three game. Her babysitter, Emma, was amongst them. She hadn't been her baby sitter long, approximately the past three months on Saturdays, but—unlike her previous babysitters—she didn't spend all the time she was supposed to be watching Beca, on the phone, and she took her to the park. Plus she had a major sweet tooth and always allowed Beca to indulge in the various sweets she'd bring along with her. The teen's favorites were lemon drops and butterscotch. That was enough for Beca not to hate her. The two teens continued on with Beca being the subject of their conversation. She normally would be embarrassed at being talked about as if she weren't there but she really hoped Emma's girlfriend, Lauren, could convince her to let her play._

"_Nah, I doubt it. She practically begs me to get her out of the house."_

_Their argument was interrupted by one of the girl's telling them she needed to head home. A series of groans followed and Beca knew this would be her chance to play. Just her luck, Emma called her over._

"_Me?" she asked pretending to be oblivious to their previous conversation._

_Emma chuckled as she nodded and waved her over to the court. Beca stood up, looking hesitantly at the taller raven haired girl before she quickly picked up her pink and purple ball that sat next to her and ran over to the group of girls._

"_Do you play?" Emma asked._

_Beca nodded earnestly, adjusting her arm to tuck her ball under it._

"_Ok. Well our game is tied and Hannah's about to head home. We need another player to finish out the game. You in?"_

"_Definitely!" She kicked her ball over to the sidelines and turned back to the taller girls who stared down at her in amusement._

_Emma placed her hand on Beca's shoulder as she introduced the rest of the girls. "Ok, Beca. You know Lauren. The other girls don't matter."_

"_Screw you!" one of the girls chimed in, shoving Emma playfully._

_The girl that shoved Emma stepped in front of the tall raven haired girl and began to introduce her team._

"_I'm Jade, that's my twin Robyn and that's Betty." The two girls waved at Beca who shyly returned the gesture. Emma wrapped her arms around Beca's shoulder and led her over to a spot on the court away from the other girls._

"_So it's real simple Rebeca. All you gotta do is stand under the basket. Let me and Lauren do all the work and when we pass you the ball, just shoot. Think you can handle that?"_

_Beca nodded._

"_Good because if we lose, I gotta loan Jade my car for a week."_

"_I won't let you down." Beca said honestly._

_Emma smiled and the three girls headed back over to the half of the court where Jade, Betty, and Robyn waited._

_The game began and Beca waited down by the basket as instructed. However, as Emma stood at the top of the key looking for Lauren to get open, Beca grew impatient. She knew she wouldn't be able to receive the ball with Betty standing patiently in front of her blocking any chance of her catching the ball. So, after a few seconds, seeing Emma dribbling from left to right and trying to drive to the basket and crossover on Robyn with little success, Beca snuck from behind Betty and ran to the left wing. Emma spotted her immediately but was hesitant to pass the ball to her. However, she soon realized Beca was her only option and after crossing over to her left hand, the raven haired teen passed the ball to the nine year old, who jumped to receive the ball. _

_Realizing she was no longer behind her, Betty quickly got in front of her, smirking in amusement as she bent slightly to play "defense." Beca dribbled the ball in front of her watching as Betty glanced over at Jade who laughed. Knowing she was being greatly underestimated, Beca decided to try out the move she'd been working on that morning in her driveway while she waited for Emma. There wasn't much room and there wasn't ample space to work on many trick moves such as the one she was about to perform, but she managed. She dribbled a few seconds, taking a few steps back and forth baiting Betty to her left to see if she'd bite. _

_After a few seconds of that, she crossed over to her right hand before pushing the ball between her legs over back to her left hand, simultaneously taking a few steps to the left to draw Betty in that direction. When Betty bit and began turning her body to slide left, Beca quickly did a cross over to her right hand and Betty, unprepared for the quick movement, was left in the dust as Beca pulled up for the jump shot. Everyone turned to watch the ball and when it traveled through the hoop gracefully, Emma quickly ran over to her, taking her in her arms and lifting her in the air._

"_Damn! Beca's got skills."_

_Beca laughed as the older teen placed her on her feet again._

"_She got lucky." Betty grumbled, walking over to where they stood._

"_I think your ankles will say otherwise." Emma said, earning a high five from Robyn. Lauren walked over to Beca, playfully tussling her hair._

"_That was a nice move, Beca."_

_Beca tried to fix her hair as she murmured thanks._

"_Emma, how do you manage to _**still** _smell like lavender body wash after a sweaty game of basketball?"_

"_It's called good body hygiene." She joked._

"_Oh look, coach is here." Jade said, pointing behind where Emma and Beca stood._

_Emma sighed, her hand running through her hair as she whispered to Lauren, "How does she always manage to find us?"_

_Her girlfriend shrugged and Beca looked up to Emma when the raven haired girl turned around. She quickly pushed Beca behind her and the eight year old was forced to peek around her to see who it was Jade was referring to._

"_What are you doing here?" she asked angrily._

_Beca recognized the woman right away. She was the coach for the Roosevelt High School Gators, the team all of the girls played for. She didn't know her name but she saw her picture a lot in the local newspaper. She was somewhat the little town's celebrity, having brought the team to two consecutive state championships in the short four years she coached._

_The older woman ignored the obvious disdain in Emma's voice and she greeted the rest of the team. It was clear to Beca that whatever Emma felt towards her coach wasn't a sentiment shared amongst the team. _

_After greeting everyone else, she looked back at the girl in front of her. "Hello, Em."_

_Emma fist clenched as she seethed, "I told you not to call me that."_

"_This attitude of yours is getting old, Em. I won't have disrespect like this on my team."_

_Emma nodded, "Fine. Cut me from the team. __**Please**__ do me that favor so that I never have to see your face again."_

_The older woman stared at Emma with an unreadable expression and Emma stared back with pure hatred at her coach before a smile morphed onto the older woman's face as she peeked behind Emma._

"_And who are you?"_

_Beca peeked from behind Emma to where the older woman stood smiling brightly in front of her._

_Emma looked down at her, "You don't have to speak to her, Beca."_

_The coach waved off Emma's comment and kneeled down in front of Beca. "Oh ignore her. Everyone's not as rude as Miss Simmons. So, what's your name, little one?"_

_Beca looked up at Emma, who rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, looking out into the distance. Seeing how irritated the older teen was, Beca looked back at the woman in front of her._

"_I'm R—Rebeca Mitchell but I guess you can call me Beca."_

"_Well aren't you just the cutest thing." She said, reaching out to pet Beca's hair gently, her hand falling slightly to tuck the sweaty locks on Beca's forehead behind her ear. "You have a beautiful name and shouldn't shorten it, Rebeca." _

_She gestured to the girls shooting around behind them. "I saw you playing with some of my girls and I must say, you can play. Where did you learn that move?"_

_Casting a glance back at Emma, Beca looked back at the older woman kneeling in front of her. "I—I saw it on TV on Wednesday."_

"_Oh and what game was that?"_

"_It was the UCONN vs Tennessee game. Rebecca Stewart did it and I wanted to do it too."_

_The coach chuckled, "Are you sure it doesn't have to do with her having the same name as you?"_

_Beca looked up alarmed. She quickly went to explain, "No! I like Breanna Greenwell too." Seeing the coach's smile, Beca relaxed, realizing it wasn't a serious question. "You were kidding weren't you?"_

_The coach burst into laughter, her hands coming together in front of her as she nodded her head. "Have you ever played on a team before, Rebeca?"_

_Beca nodded, "I used to play on a team at the Y but my mom made me stop."_

_The woman smiled warmly and said, "Well Rebeca, I'm going to be starting my own team down at the Y for girls 8-13. How old are you, Rebeca?"_

"_I'm eight, ma'am."_

_The mystery woman reached out and taped Beca on the nose playfully eliciting a giggle. "Well I guess you're old enough, huh?"_

_Beca laughed and nodded her head, "Yes Ma'am."_

_The woman took her bottom lip between her teeth as she slowly appraised the little girl in front of her. "Ma'am, huh? You're just too adorable for your own good. "_

_Her compliment brought forth a toothy grin from the eight year old and she couldn't help but add, "You have such a pretty smile, little one. Maybe you can get Emma, the grump, to smile more too."_

_Emma looked down at the two, taking in the innocent smile of Beca and that of her coach through furious eyes before storming off. "Beca, I'll be by my car."_

_Beca looked up to see the teen walking away and soon after Lauren and the rest of the girls followed quickly behind her. The coach seemed unfazed by their impromptu exit, however, and she didn't even look up when Emma stormed away. _

_Beca was confused, did she do something wrong?_

_The coach interrupted her pondering by placing a hand on Beca's arm. "So Rebeca, would you want to play for my team?"_

_Beca's mouth transformed instantly from that of a jubilant smile to that of a sad frown. She looked down at the ground kicking at a few out of place stones on the concrete as she mumbled, "No thanks."_

_The woman reached up, a finger coming to Beca's chin to raise her head to look at her. "What's wrong, honey?"_

_Beca looked away bashfully, "I'm not supposed to say."_

_The older woman leaned in and whispered, "I promise not to tell."_

"_My mom doesn't have a job anymore. She said we can't afford for me to play anymore."_

"_Well, what if I were willing to let you play for free. Would you want to do it then?"_

_Beca's face lit up immediately as she nodded her head earnestly. The older woman smiled brightly and stood up. "Good." She glanced down at the watch on her wrist before looking down at Beca._

_Beca, seeing her check the time, realized Emma was still waiting for her. Picking up her discarded pink and purple basketball, she looked up at the older woman. "I gotta go." She turned to walk away but the older woman called to her stopping her._

"_Do you have proper sneakers, Rebeca?" she asked, gesturing to the tattered white converse on Beca's feet that were so compacted with dirt and grime they were nearly black. _

_Beca looked down in confusion, "I always play in these."_

"_Well those won't do if you plan to play for my team. The last thing I need is for you to get hurt and then this whole thing would be for nothing." She reached into her purse and pulled out a small business card, handing it to Beca._

_The eight year old took the card and read the larger text printed in the center. "Who's Julia Matthews?"_

_The older woman grinned and extended her hand out in front of her "I am."_

_There is nothing that I can do  
I have no self control  
I have let myself become dead  
I have ruined my soul_

Her eyes burned as the memory played itself out before her eyes. It was as clear as the day it happened and she wished there was way to erase it from the place where it seared itself into her brain. Alcohol helped but after years of drinking it didn't have the same effect it used to have when she first began getting drunk to forget.

Reaching for the tumbler she'd abandoned after passing out not long after returning to her apartment, she was disappointed to see it empty. She couldn't buy another bottle so soon without her father wondering what she bought with the second thirty dollar withdrawal from the bank card he gave her. With a sigh she grabbed her phone to check the time. It was a little after noon and based on the date, Friday September 14, she had managed to sleep all of yesterday away.

With no alternative, she figured she might as well try and be a student. Quickly taking a shower, she brushed her teeth as she pulled on her clothes. She wasn't a morning person _at all _and she tended to sleep until the very last moment. As a result, she nearly perfected showering and getting dressed in under twenty minutes. Grabbing her discarded book bag from by the door, she slipped it onto her shoulder and headed to class. It was "Shakespeare the Elizabethan works." Just thinking about her schedule kind of pissed her off. Leave it to her father to not even check if she still wanted to major in English when he made her schedule.

Honestly, she was indifferent about the subject when she initially chose it. It was the subject her old basketball coach, Julia, taught and she guessed she was good in the subject but with everything that has happened, she'd much rather pursue a degree in Art history or something.

She walked into the small seminar room and took a seat towards the back of the room. The room was nearly full which confused her because she thought she had time to spare before class started. She glanced at her phone. It was 12:50. She wasn't late, so these people must be early. Shaking her head in annoyance at the thought, she opened her bag to search for a pen.

She could feel someone sit next to her but she didn't bother to look up as she continued to search for anything to write with at this point.

"You can borrow one of mine."

Beca's head shot up at the voice. Chloe sat next to her, smiling widely as she held out a black BIC pen. With a mumbled thanks, Beca turned in her seat to face forward.

"It seems like fate wanted us to meet again."

Beca smirked, "Or you're stalking me."

Chloe opened her mouth to retort but shut it at the sound of the professor greeting the class. In the twenty minutes of continuous lecture by the older man at the front of the classroom, Beca could sense Chloe looking at her several times but whenever she'd turn her head to look back, the redhead would quickly turn around.

"So, for the remainder of class I want you to split into groups of maybe two or three—but no more than four—and analyze Ariel's monologue."

"Don't even think about looking for someone else to work with." Chloe said immediately as if reading Beca's mind. Beca smirked as she turned her to head to look at the redhead. She had to admit, her smile was contagious. "Oh why would I ever think of such a thing?" she asked sarcastically. Chloe rolled her eyes playfully pushing Beca slightly before turning to the correct page in her book.

_Every time I wake up sick  
I say never again  
But then opportunity knocks  
And I'm wasted my friend_

_I can't control my addiction  
I've tried time and time again  
I'm losing all my friends and lovers_

_Alcohol knows it's gonna win_

"We're never going to get through this if you keep looking at me instead of the page." Beca said, her eyes still trained on the text in front of her. Underlining the third line, and writing a quick note on its importance, she looked up at Chloe. Chloe smiled at her, placing the pen that she'd been lightly biting on down in the fold of her book.

"So, did you change your mind about joining the team?"

Beca shook her head, her eyes returning to her book. "No I didn't and I don't plan to. I only tried out because of my dad."

"But you're really good. Even Aubrey can't deny that."

Beca sighed in frustration, her eyes rolling at the mention of the blonde captain. "Well I highly doubt that. I really don't handle stress well and I can already tell she will bring nothing but stress."

Chloe shook her head, reaching out to touch Beca's hand. "She's not that bad. Look, why don't you come running with us tonight and you'll see."

Beca pulled her hand from under Chloe's and sat back in her chair, realizing they weren't going to get anymore work done while Chloe continued on her pursuit to persuade her. "I don't like running, especially for the sake of just running. I run with the goal of catching something or shooting a ball…that's why I play basketball—well I used to."

Chloe nodded. "So you're a freshman?"

Beca glanced over at Chloe before looking at her phone to check the time. "Yeah. I'm sure Aubrey's girlfriend did a great job of making sure you knew that."

"Charlie? Yeah, she can be a bit of an ass but you learn that it's just who she is. She wasn't like that in middle school but I guess being told over and over again she was likely to be drafted by the NWSL went to her head. Now she thinks she can do no wrong because she can kick a ball."

Beca rolled her eyes. That wasn't an excuse to be a cocky asshole. Beca was told plenty of times she was likely to play professionally by her high school coach, coaches of opposing teams, sports writers, and fans alike and she made sure she didn't allow it to change who she was.

Beca scoffed, "Yeah. It's just soccer. It's not like its basketball or anything. It's not like she has to shoot a ball or play for forty minutes." A grin spread across her face as she shrugged. Chloe smirked, deciding to play along, "Yeah. It's _just_ soccer. She only has to kick the ball into a goal and run for 90 minutes."

Beca rolled her eyes playfully, "You're ridiculous."

"Hey, you started it. You're the one that said Charlie was arrogant."

"Well she is. What does Aubrey even see in her?"

Chloe cocked her head, "What do you mean?"

Beca shrugged, "I don't know. Aubrey's attractive, I guess, and I'm sure she wouldn't have trouble finding a girl who wasn't a—"

"Pain in the ass?" Chloe chuckled, "Yeah I understand. I don't know what she sees, actually. I guess part of it is Charlie was her first girlfriend and was around when she was dealing with some family troubles. She even came out to her dad for her. Although, Charlie did threaten to break up with her if she didn't."

Beca's eyes widened in surprise. "That's a shitty thing to do. I guess I understand not wanting to deny your relationship but coming out should be done when you're ready."

"Tell me about it. I'll never understand that relationship but I guess Aubrey does love her."

Beca sighed. She hated that word: love. People tended to do pretty shitty things for love—she would know. And if Aubrey's situation was anything to go by, people tended to tolerate much worse. All because they _loved _them. Julia said she loved Beca and look where that got her.

Chloe waved her hand in front of Beca's face to bring her attention back to the present, smiling in amusement at the sight of Beca getting lost in her head. "So, what happened last year? Why'd you take a year off? Did you get hurt?"

Beca shook her head and picked up her pen again, needing the distraction. "No I didn't get hurt and I'd appreciate it if we dropped this conversation."

It was harsh, she knew that, but she _really_ didn't want to talk about why she was a year behind or better yet, anything having to do with that part of her life. Chloe nodded and Beca began reading again. Chloe watched for a few seconds before she too began reading.

_Now I have lost everything  
And I really don't care_

_Everybody that I have known_

_Has out cast me here_

The two worked in silence until the end of class and Beca immediately packed up using the need to get back to her room and finish some homework as an excuse. In reality, she wanted to get away from the older captain before she worked up the courage to ask her to reconsider playing. Chloe wasn't deterred, however. She packed up as well and followed Beca out of the class. The short brunette wasn't surprised when the senior walked up beside her as they made their way out of Kafka Hall.

Beca checked the time on her phone, simultaneously searching her pockets to make sure she had the key to her apartment. "I guess I'll see you around?"

Chloe bit her lip, holding back what she wanted to say. "Yeah, you will."

Beca offered a small smile and a wave before turning to walk away.

"Hey, wait!" Chloe called.

Beca turned around in confusion, "Is something wrong?"

Chloe chuckled realizing her voice did harbor a bit of panic when she called for the small brunette. "Oh, nothing's wrong." She nervously wiped her hands on her the sides of her yoga pants before adjusting her laptop bag on her shoulder and walking over to where Beca stood by gates that led to the path towards BHU. Beca reached out and pushed the gate door open allowing Chloe to pass through before following behind.

"Before you go I just wanted to let you know that there's this party. It's like a welcome party for all of the new players. It's only for winter sports so you don't have to worry about the football team being there or anything like that."

"Darn, and here I was hoping to have another titillating run in with Aubrey's girlfriend." Beca said sarcastically. Chloe giggled, playfully bumping Beca's hip with her own.

"I guess you'll have to wait until Bumper's birthday bash next month." She looked up in thought, "I think this year's theme is White Trash bash equipped with cheap beer and trailer park decorations."

"That is—offensive."

Chloe laughed, "Completely! But Bumper's living off his daddy's money and there's nothing that can change the several generations of ignorance that's ingrained in that idiot."

She reached out to hold Beca's hand but the brunette realized it was coming and inconspicuously shoved both of her hands into the pockets of her sweater.

"I really think you'd enjoy the party. It's usually just the basketball and swim teams mainly. Some of the Indoor track runners stop by but we stopped inviting indoor hockey because they take all of the alcohol and break stuff."

"I don't know. I'm not really that fond of parties."

"What, you don't like being around a lot of people?"

Beca glanced over at Chloe before looking back at the street ahead, realizing they were approaching the street she lived on. "Something like that."

They walked the rest of the way in silence, coming to her brownstone a few short minutes after.

Beca shuffled around the contents of her pocket in search of the keys she could have sworn were just in her hand, with several scraps of paper falling to the ground in the process. Chloe stopped and knelt down to pick up the scattered receipts reaching up to hand them to Beca as she gathered on the ground. However, her eye caught the sight of a drawing on the back of one and it caught her attention.

"Who's this?" she asked, standing up straight to look at the drawing on the back of the receipt. "She's cute. Is she an old girlfriend?"

Beca looks at the paper in Chloe's hand. Seeing who the drawing depicted, she snatched the small piece of paper, quickly ripping it into several small pieces before dropping them on the floor and stepping on them repeatedly. Once she realized the concrete below wasn't going to swallow up what remained of the drawing she walked the remaining steps to her front door without looking back at Chloe.

"Later." She said tersely, entering her key into her door.

"See you later, Beca...Will you'll at least think about the party?"

Beca didn't say anything and she didn't turn around. She leaned her head against the mahogany wood of her front door, sighing deeply.

"I'll think about but I can't promise that my answer will change."

Chloe nodded, still looking at Beca's back, as the small brunette refused to look at her. She watched Beca walk into her brownstone, calling out to her before the door closed. When the brunette peeked her head out, she quickly climbed the stairs.

"I haven't had the chance to think about it yet, Chloe."

Chloe chuckled nervously, "I know...I just wanted to say I'm glad I met you that day in the A-building and I—I think we're going to be really fast friends."

Beca looked at the redhead in front and shook her head in amusement. "I wouldn't hold my breath, red."

_I can't control my addiction_

_I've tried time and time again  
I'm losing all my friends and lovers_

_Alcohol knows it's gonna win_

_**So I completed took liberties with names of NCAA basketball players. Obviously Breana Stewart and Rebecca Greenwell weren't playing in the NCAA in 2003 when Beca was nine years old so I mixed up the names to avoid any anachronisms. **_

_**I really hope the format isn't confusing with the song lyrics and letters. The letters at the beginning of the story are Beca's journal entries which she writes in the form of letters. **_

_**The song used is**_** Dying Inside by Saint Vitus. I don't know how many of you like doom metal which is what Saint Vitus is or any heavy metal for that matter but I chose the songs for the lyrics specifically. So with that being said I'll try to post links or info for acoustic covers or softer versions of the songs for those that don't like heavy metal or hard rock. Unfortunately, I can't do that for this chapter because Saint Vitus isn't very popular and no covers of this song exist (or at least, I can't find them on YouTube)**

_**Here's the cast:**_

_**Julia Matthews: Lauren Cohan**_

_**Robert: Tom Welling**_

_**Johanna: Yara Shahidi**_

_**Emma: Emilia Clark**_

_**Kelly:? Maybe Ruby Rose?**_

_**Charlie: Alex Morgan**_

_**Wesley: Sergei Polunin (Note: I changed my mind and instead of Sergei it's **__**Robert Sheehan**__**)**_


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: A little girl grasping

_Dear Oliver, _

_I'm sorry I broke your nose in third grade because you told me that your uncle said Julia was a deviant who was going to hell. I'm not sorry I punched you because I meant it at the time but I am sorry I defended her when she didn't deserve it._

American Literary Foundations was the one class Beca attended regularly. It wasn't because she had an affinity for American Literature either—that was French Literature. It took a while for her to get the hang of French before she could even begin to delve into the French canon but once she did she found herself reading some of the greatest literature she'd ever encounter. That's a digression, however. Beca liked this class because the professor that taught the class made it interesting. He was an elderly man—maybe late sixties or early 70s—who was more likely to wear a flannel shirt tucked into cargo pants than a suit. He very first class of the semester they spent the hour listening to him as he regaled the class with tales of his time in Vietnam. Not to mention the first reading assigned was really good.

Beca was currently rushing to the seminar room, wanting to get there before her professor arrived. He didn't tolerate tardiness, probably as a result of his time in the military. He was a no nonsense type of man and with all of the bullshit she's been fed throughout her short life of 19 years, Beca welcomed the change. Looking down at her phone, she sighed once she saw she had a minute to spare and Dr. Reddy hasn't arrived yet. She flopped down in the chair in the back of the room and took off her backpack. Perching it on the desk in front of her, she quickly opened it.

"Hey, is this seat taken?"

Beca looked up and shook her head. She recognized the girl as the same girl from the tryouts that was outrunning the rest of the team.

"No, it's empty."

The girl sat down and extended her hand. "I'm Jessica."

"Hey." Beca said, trying not to sound disinterested as she watched the clock situated above the smart board in the front of the room. She would be pissed if she rushed to class to find out it was canceled.

"So you're really not going to stick around for the season?" Jessica asked after a few minutes of silence passed.

Beca continued to tap her pen rhythmically on top of her notebook as she shook her head, "Nope."

"I don't blame you, honestly. Aubrey can be an outright bitch on a good day. I hated all of them at first but it wasn't like I was in a position to be picky."

Beca glanced over at Jessica for a split second before turning back to face the front of the room. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Jessica shrugged, "after I lost my leg _and_ my track scholarship I didn't have many options. Coach Abernathy let me on her team, Coach McGraw didn't." seeing Beca's astonished face—despite how much she tried to hide it—she elaborated. "Don't look so surprised. I didn't always have my leg of steal." She lifted her pans leg for effect. "Sexy right?"

Beca looked up from Jessica's prosthetic, "I'm just—you run so well with it."

"Well, I worked my ass off to perfect my running form and losing a limb wasn't going to change that."

Beca turned to look at the other girl, "I didn't mean to stare a few minutes ago. I was just surprised is all, because I didn't even see it in practice."

"Yeah, I usually wear sweatpants in practice or a compression sleeve in the game. I haven't had the prosthetic that long and I guess I'm still getting used to looking down and not seeing flesh."

Beca nodded in understanding. "Well I'm sorry for making you talk about it."

Jessica glanced over at her with a smile. "It's not that I don't want to share, but it _really_ dampens the mood."

Beca offered a soft smile at Jessica's attempt at a joke. She couldn't imagine how devastating that would be for her if she were to suffer a loss like that. If Jessica was a runner and losing her leg lost her scholarships, Beca was impressed by how well she was handling everything. Beca would have probably crawled further than she already was into the bottle.

"Did you read for class?" Jessica asked, pulling her from her momentary lapse of internal monologue. She nodded her head, as she reached into her bag to pull out the book in question. The book they'd been assigned was by a Filipino writer, K.R. Reid, who immigrated to the States when she was fifteen.

When Dr. Reddy had first assigned the book, he was questioned by some of the students about why they were reading her book and if she even classified as American Literature. Beca found his response particularly amusing. The first brave soul to raise his hand and question Reid's "Americanism" was met with the harsh response, "She was a naturalized citizen when she wrote it. If she pays taxes, she's an American, dammit." That effectively ended that conversation.

Beca found she actually enjoyed the first few chapters of the book, _Id's Dream_, and before she knew it she had read beyond what was required. She managed to finish the book in two days.

Just when students were beginning to question whether or not their professor was going to show for class and whether or not they should leave—including a lengthy debate on whether or not it's ten or fifteen minutes allotted for professors to be late before the students can leave—the door opened.

The professor walked in, book tucked under his arm and Beca could laugh at the cruel joke the universe seemed to be playing on her. Instead of the elderly Indian American war vet that taught the class, she was greeted with the sight of her father standing at the front of the room in an irritating mint green oxford shirt, sporting an equally irritating smile.

Jessica turned at the sound of Beca's deep sigh. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she grumbled.

Dr. Mitchell stood at the front of the classroom writing on the smart board in front of them.

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen. Dr. Reddy was called into an emergency administration meeting so I will be covering his class, today."

Beca rolled her eyes and slouched in her chair. "And that's where I stop listening," she mumbled.

"What, you don't like him or something?" Jessica asked softly trying not to get caught talking by the professor.

"Or something. He's my father."

Jessica looked between Beca and Dr. Mitchell with surprise clearly written across her face. She opened her mouth to comment but Dr. Mitchell's voice spilling throughout the room stopped her. Plus, Beca's head was already down, resting in the crook of her arm.

"I see that you're reading _Id's Dream. _ Not something you normally see in an American Lit class but it's a classic nonetheless. Where did you leave off?"

A guy in the front answered with "Chapter 5" and Dr. Mitchell nodded, instructing the class to open their books.

"Ahh. Chapter 5, 'FuckIt'. A very interesting chapter indeed. You really get a glimpse into the speaker's head. Can I have someone read the first paragraph on page…65? It's in the middle of the page."

The same guy that spoke earlier raised his hand and began to read the passage.

"_Fuckit wished that my parents would be killed in a car wreck so that I could be adopted by the kind of family that I saw on tv. The mother would come in and sit on the edge of the bed. She'd ask me, what's wrong? And wrap a comforting arm around my shoulder. I'd melt into her sweater. She'd hold me while I cried. Sarah said it was silly to want that. I learned not to pray for a fatal car wreck when I was five. That was when I told my mother that I wished she was dead. "Be careful or God will hear you," she said, squinting her eyes close to my face. "God will kill you for saying that." God seemed better at punishing that at helping."_

Jessica glanced over at Beca a few times and noticed her eyes were open despite appearing to be looking miles beyond her. She would stare at the wall next to them for a few seconds before she turned her head again to hide her face in the crook of her arm.

"Thank you, young man. The reason I mention this passage in particular because it is one of the crucial passages of the text. Anyone have any comments on what the young man just read?"

The girl sitting at the desk in front of them raised her hand. Dr. Mitchell pointed to her, giving her the floor to speak.

"When I read that passage, initially, I saw it as a reflection of the speaker's splintering mental state. Based on what she described in the previous chapters, it appears that adolescence and her distant relationship with her mother caused this split. It's also important to note that the alter ego exhibits all of the characteristics the speaker wishes she had."

Beca scoffed and mumbled, "That's completely missing the point." It was meant to be a comment to herself but her face being so close to the table—the surface amplified her voice.

"Beca, do you have anything to add?"

Beca didn't even look up a she grumbled, "No."

Dr. Mitchell wasn't deterred, however. "No, Beca. I want to hear your opinion."

Beca sighed deeply as she sat up in her chair. Glaring at her father, she opened her book to the page where her Family Guy bookmark rested. "The speaker, Alice, created FuckIt to distance herself from the sexual and emotional abuse."

Dr. Mitchell cross his arms in front of his chest as he leaned against the desk at the front of the classroom.

"Where in the text points to her being sexually abused and more important, by whom?"

"She was abused by her brother, Bobby. Although it's not explicitly stated, the implication is there, especially in the sexual undertones of the dialogue she shares with him. Not to mention the first memory she has to describe of her volatile relationship with her mother, she mentions she realizes her mother didn't love her because she—" Beca paused as she flipped to the correct page and began to read from the book. "She said on page 45, 'She didn't scold bobby for killing my flower. For taking the vase and shattering it. She didn't even look up when I came to her dripping blood when I attempted to put it back together.' Her explaining it away with 'the hard-headedness of adolescence,' shows just how much she internalized the blame for what was happening. _That's_ why she doesn't specifically talk about it like she talks about the emotional abuse from her mother. The narrator hasn't even come to terms with it despite it leaking out from her subconscious in her writing. It could just as easily be about her brother actually breaking a flower pot but it's highly unlikely."

Dr. Mitchell looked at his daughter with a countenance of pride as he asked her to continue.

Beca sighed and adjusted herself in her seat. "I'm not saying that Elisabeth was wrong about the alter ego being a result of her frail mental state or that the second personality exhibiting characteristics Alice wishes she had. However, it's deeper than that. Fuckit is the person that can stand up for the narrator because she's unable to do so. Fuckit is able to be aggressive and loud and outgoing. Fuckit is the one who is abused by her brother and ignored by her mother, not the narrator. When the guy in the bar approaches her, Fuckit is able to say no to his advances because the narrator can't. Her brother made sure that word was removed from her vocabulary. She says it specifically—"

She paused to flip through the pages of the book in front of her. "On page 34 she states 'I could never really say no to Bobby. He was an imposing man even at fifteen and whenever I didn't agree with him, it was as if my tongue caught in my mouth. Stuck in a barbed wire snare.' Alice was—"

However, before Beca could continue her analysis she was interrupted by a guy sitting to her left, Bumper. She'd seen him around campus, and because of the frequency with which he wore his away jersey, she knew he was on the men's basketball team.

"You know an awful lot about the subject. It seems like you have firsthand knowledge." He chimed in with a condescending smirk.

She looked at him with a venomous scowl, wanting nothing more than to wipe that dumb grin off his face. "Why don't you shut the hell up?" she asked bitterly.

This seemed to only motivate him further and he grinned smugly. "What's wrong, Becky? Did someone break your flower pot too?"

Laughter filled the classroom immediately at his tasteless joke. Beca stood up immediately, grabbing her bag and her book.

Dr. Mitchell tried to grab her arm to stop her from leaving. "Beca wait—"

"Don't touch me!" she yelled and snatched her arm out of his grasp. She quickly exited the room, slamming the door behind her. She could feel the anger building up inside. She tried to take her mind to a more positive place, anywhere but the harrowing depths of her past. The noise in the hallway only seemed to grow louder, nearly deafening, as she tried to concentrate on anything but what Bumper said. A group of football players were huddled by the stairwell, yelling and jeering over something insignificant. Beca couldn't understand why they wouldn't shut up. Why couldn't they give her the peace she needed?

Quickly pushing open the bathroom door, she walked into the nearest stall. Her knees cracked against the ceramic tile as she collapsed against it roughly. She shuffled to sit, her back slamming harshly against the wall of the stall as she drew her knees to her chest. Grasping at the last strains of stability—and sanity—a wail left her lips as she burrowed her head between her knees. Her fingers found purchase in her hair, her fingers biting at the skin of her scalp in desperation as heavy tears fell from her eyes.

"I didn't want to do it! I didn't wanna do it!"

She screamed over and over again, her cries echoing throughout the empty bathroom, leaving her throat raw and her mind numb.

"Please! Don't make me do it…"

_Beneath the water  
that's falling from my eyes  
lays a soul I've left behind  
the edge of sorrow was reached but now I'm fine  
I've filled the hole I had inside_

Chloe took the small piece of discarded notebook fringes and bawled it up before clicking it towards Aubrey.

The senior captain sighed in irritation, "What the hell, Chloe?"

"I'm sorry, but you've been ignoring me."

"Well, my research proposal is due next week."

Chloe nodded, "I know but you could at least acknowledge that you hear me."

Aubrey sighed, her eyes still scanning the textbook in front of her. She still failed to look up and make eye contact with her roommate as she replied, "I heard your question, Chloe."

Chloe rolled her eyes, placing her hand in the center of the page that Aubrey was reading.

"Ok. So, answer it. Is your dad coming to our first game?"

Aubrey pushed Chloe's hand away, looking up to glare at the redhead. "No."

"Did you ask?"

Aubrey's eyes returned to the notebook in front of her, "I didn't bother."

"Why?"

"Because he doesn't deem it worthy of his time. The one game he came to, I got hurt and we lost."

Chloe reached out to hold Aubrey's hand, stopping her hand from moving her pen across the legal pad. "But we're better now, Bree. And with Beca, I think we could win it all."

Aubrey scoffed at the sound of the freshman's name, her eyes flicking up to the redhead before they settled back on her work. Chloe shook her head disapprovingly at the face her friend made "Don't make that face. All I'm saying is we would be a much better team f we stopped letting fear get in the way of us playing the game we loved."

Aubrey didn't say anything and instead she simply pulled her hand out of Chloe's grasped and continued writing.

"Will Charlie be there?"

Aubrey turned the page in her text book as she shook her head. "She can't. She has a big test the next day and she needs to study."

"Whatever." Chloe said with an eye roll. "You went to all of her games—including away games—and you managed to find a way to make it work."

"I'm sure she would come if she could."

"Aubrey I don't understand why you even put up with her. She obviously doesn't value your relationship in the same way you do."

Aubrey risked a glance at her friend since childhood. Seeing concerned blue eyes staring back she sighed in exhaustion, remembering if she could be honest with anyone it would be the redhead sitting across from her.

"I can't start off, Chloe," she admitted softly.

Chloe cocked her head in confusion at Aubrey's confession. "What do you mean?"

Releasing a long and tense breath of air, she placed her pen in the fold of her textbook to look at the redhead directly. "Charlie was my first everything. My first kiss, my first girlfriend. I gave her my virginity, Bug. You know before Charlie I was very much still in the closet." Sighing, she played with the charm bracelet on her arm as she softly confessed, "I don't know _how_ to be with anyone but her."

Chloe looked at her friend sadly. Aubrey rarely ever called her by her childhood nickname, Ladybug or Bug, unless she was feeling particularly nostalgic. Not to mention the fact that she was playing with the charm bracelet Charlie had given her when they were 14. The three of them had known each other since middle school, Aubrey and Chloe knowing each other since preschool. Charlie moved into their neighborhood the summer before seventh grade and the three were inseparable: Lady Bug (Chloe), Bumblebee (Aubrey), and Grasshopper (Charlie).

But times changed, and people get older. People change and Chloe could see her best friend was aware of that more than anyone else.

"But, bumblebee, that's a risk we all take—gay, straight, bi, or pan. Stop being so afraid of what could go wrong and look forward to everything that could go right."

"Chloe, you know I don't plan around what ifs."

"I just want you to be happy, Bree. You're my best friend and I don't want you to settle with Charlie because she's always been there."

For a moment Chloe thought she'd gotten through to Aubrey. A cloud of understanding seemed to pass across her eyes before it gave way to the calculating and cold look Aubrey often adopted when she wanted to remove herself from negative emotions.

She picked up her pen and resumed writing in her notebook. Her words heavy as ice, she said "I'm trying to work, Chloe," and effectively ended the conversation.

Chloe sighed. She really hated the blonde's bullheaded stubbornness. Closing her book, she tucked it into her bag. "I'm going to head to lunch." She waited for Aubrey to respond but she was met with cold silence, something she noticed was becoming a habit of Aubrey's whenever she mentioned Charlie. Shaking her head in disappointment, she pulled her bag onto her shoulder and walked away from friend. She didn't care what it would take, she would make Aubrey see she deserved better than what she _thought _she deserved.

_I'll pray it doesn't scream my name  
so I light a flame and let it breathe  
the air that kills the shame_

_I'm up  
I'm down  
like a rollercoaster racing through my life  
I've erased the past again_

Beca stood at the sink, her hands gripping the porcelain. She looked into the mirror, a dissembled person look back at her through dark, hollow eyes, and she wondered when her own reflection became her enemy. She _hated_ when her loss of control expressed itself in sadness. At least with anger she wasn't weak, like she was now. With anger she the punisher. She expelled her anger onto others and they were victims of her rage. With sadness, she was nothing but a victim. Subjected to the punishment of the one who dealt her this grief. When she got so overwhelmed she either broke something or broke down into a fit of sobs.

"Pull yourself together, Rebecca," she mumbled to her reflection, scowling at her words. _'God, I sound just like her.'_

Turning on the water, she gathered a small puddle in her hands and quickly splashed it onto her face. She reached out through burning red eyes, and grumbled in disapproval at the empty paper towel dispenser. Turning on her heels, she walked over to the bathroom stall to grab some tissue. However, the sound of the bathroom door opening had her quickly closing the stall door, not wanting to be seen in her current condition.

Moreover, the sound of the familiar voice had her quickly jumping onto the toilet seat to hide her feet. Placing her hands out to her side, balancing herself against the stall walls to avoid slipping into the water of the bowl. Straining her neck, Beca peeked through the crack of the stall where the door connected to its hinges.

She could see, even in the small opening, Charlie holding a girl. A girl Beca _knew_ wasn't Aubrey. By the way the soccer player's arms held the girl around the waist, pulling her close and the way the girl's arms snaked around the athlete's neck, Beca knew they weren't _just _friends. But then again, Beca never had friends that were girls so maybe this was innocent and because of her lack of experience she was interpreting as something else.

Ok, no. They were kissing now. That wasn't what friends did and even Beca knew that. Now that she cleared that up, what would she do with information? A part of her was glad it was happening, a bit of satisfaction coming at the thought of Aubrey being cheating on right under her nose.

But then again, no one deserved to be betrayed like that—not even that self-righteous bitch, Aubrey.

Her inner debate was interrupted, however, by the girl who Beca could see wore a Barden Dive Team sweatshirt.

"What about your _girlfriend_?" she asked, and Beca noticed the hint of bitterness in her voice as she referred to Aubrey.

Charlie shook her head, "Don't worry about her. Just be patient a few more months."

"I don't understand why you won't just leave her now. You said so yourself that you're not happy with her anymore."

"I already told you, Mia. I need to stay with her until the spring so that I can get that internship at her father's firm. After that I'll break up with her."

"Do you promise?"

"Of course."

Beca rolled her eyes at the conversation taking place less than five feet from her. Aubrey was an outright bitch and she still had the urge to ram her fist into the senior's face for that comment about the pills, but what Charlie was doing was messed up. Like seriously.

When the two exited the bathroom, Beca exhaled in relief and stepped down off the toilet. The water on her face having long evaporated, she exited the stall and pulled her bag onto her shoulders. A quick glance at her phone as she left the bathroom told her she had close to two hours before her next class so she decided to replace the food in her stomach that she had recently vomited up. She didn't want to be in a cafeteria full of loud strangers, especially while she was still so emotionally raw, but without any alternative besides hauling up in her room, she exited the bathroom and headed in the direction of the exit.

_A risky morning  
I feel like I'm alive  
I can't believe I've made it through this time  
the edge of sorrow I lived in for some time  
(lived in for some time)  
has left the hole I have inside_

_The burden is I try my hate  
was the last thing I ever felt  
or thought I could escape_

Ok, she had to admit, this new IPod class she managed to snag for 50 bucks from GameStop was _way_ better than her old Nano. For starters, it had nearly 70 more gigabytes than her 8 gigabyte Nano and she could fit her _entire_ music collection it with space to spare.

As she scrolled through her playlist with her right hand—Halestorm's "I Miss the Misery" blaring in her ears—she held the veggie burger in her left, taking a bite.

Her head snapped up when a plate was place across from her. "Hey stranger."

Placing the burger back on her plate, Beca wiped her mouth with a napkin and pulled her earphones out of her ears. "Now, I'm really starting to wonder if you _are_ stalking me."

Chloe smiled at her and shook her head, "Nope. It's just like I said before. Fate wants us to be friends."

Beca rolled her eyes, although they lacked malice. Taking a sip of water from the Dasani bottle sitting next to her plate, she looked at the senior. "Where's your cloud of misery otherwise known as Aubrey?"

Chloe chuckled, "She's hauled up in the library working on her research proposal." She paused to chew the cucumber slice in her mouth. "I swear, she's going to work herself to death."

Beca took another bite of her burger, reaching over to hit pause on her IPod before she drained the battery.

Chloe pointed at her with the fork in her hand, "So, aside from basketball, I know absolutely nothing else about you."

"Well maybe I prefer it that way," Beca retorted with a wry smile, her eyes brows raising mockingly, causing Chloe to throw the paper from her straw at the brunette.

"I'm serious, Beca. How are we going to be friends if we don't know each other?"

Beca shrugged, picking up her fork to ear the remaining broccoli on her plate. "Ok, I'll placate you, Red. You can ask me five questions and five questions only."

Chloe clapped her hands excitedly as she bounced in her chair.

Beca shook her head in bewilderment. Chloe was _way_ too excited about this.

"Ok, first question. What do you like to do for fun besides basketball?"

Beca started to say basketball wasn't fun but stopped herself. She placed her hand in front of her mouth to hide the green mush in her mouth as she answered, I like to paint."

"That's awesome. I want to ask another question about that but I don't want to waste another questions."

"That's quite wise of you, Red."

"Um, what's your favorite food?"

Beca placed her fork onto her now empty plate, taking a few seconds to think. "Um, I guess maybe stuffed shells."

"Like, the kind with ricotta cheese in it?" Seeing Beca nod she smiled, "Oh I love that too. My Gram makes this really good dish with stuffed shells and bits of beef inside. Have you ever tried it that way?"

Beca smirked, "That technically is question 3, but I guess I can let it slide." She couldn't help but laugh at the countenance of panic on Chloe's face when she thought Beca was going to count the follow up question.

"You're cruel, you know that?"

"So I've been told. But to answer your question, no I haven't had it with beef—or any meat for that matter."

"Well then I guess I'll have to get my Gram to make you a dish."

"No thanks, Red."

"Why not? Are you not a fan of beef? Are you a vegetarian or something?"

"Not 'or something'. I am a vegetarian."

"That's super cool. Ok, next question, when did you decide to stop eating meat?"

Beca paused. The real reason was because of Julia and her unwavering need to control _every_ aspect of her life. Looking up at the redhead and seeing patient eyes staring back at her, she knew she couldn't leave the question unanswered.

"In high school, my—my couch made the entire team give up meat for the season. I guess I just never stopped after the season." Not completely true but it was true enough. Julia was a vegan and because beca was constantly at her house, she really wasn't given the opportunity to eat any other way.

In the hospital she began to eat dairy again but meat of any sort made her sick after having gone so long without it. "I'm actually having quite hard time finding places to eat. At least back home there was one or two vegan restaurants. I was lucky I managed to find a Whole Foods here."

Chloe nodded her head in understanding. "That really is awesome. I know it's a healthier lifestyle but I just couldn't think of existing without steak or turkey or chicken or bacon. Yeah, I couldn't give up bacon. Not to mention, my Irish grandmother would have a heart attack if I told her I didn't want any of her corned beef and cabbage.

Beca smirked, "Oh course. We have to protect Gram's heart." Beca joked.

Chloe beamed at the brunette, glad that she was finally having some success in getting her to open up.

"Hey, you know Aubrey's a vegetarian, too. Although she gave u meat because of a Gluten allergy. Nonetheless, I'm sure she can help you out with finding vegetarian friendly places."

Beca shook her head in adamant refusal. "I'd rather eat an entire cow whole then ask her for anything. And before you try to convince me otherwise think about our last interaction."

Chloe was silent for a few minutes before nodding her head, signaling she would drop the topic.

"Ok. Question 4. What's your favorite type of music?"

"I can listen to anything really, but I guess my favorite would have to be…um…maybe Heavy metal."

"Is that like Slipknot and stuff?"

Beca nodded, impressed that Chloe knew of Slipknot.

"That's cool. My brother, Robbie loves them—slipknot I mean. It all sounds so loud to me and they all seem so angry."

"Maybe I'm equally as angry," she mumbled bitterly as she took a sip of her water.

"Well then I'm making it my job to make you less angry."

Beca placed her water bottle back on the table. With a tired exhale, she looked at Chloe. "I'll warn you not to get your hopes up because I am going to disappoint."

"I have faith in you, Beca." Chloe said sincerely.

Beca offered a small smile at the senior's optimism—something she was sure she possessed at one point, although, it was long ago, when she was a very different person. She glanced at her phone. She had ten minutes left before she needed to head to class.

"Ok, Red. One more question. You better make it good."

Chloe placed her index finger on her chin as she thought for a few minutes. Then suddenly a shit-eating grin appeared on her face. "Why won't you come to the party?"

Beca shook her head. Of course Chloe wouldn't pass up the opportunity. "Because I don't like being around people. Particularly, drunk and horny college students." She stood and gathered her things, swinging her backpack onto her shoulder, before picking up her dishes. Chloe followed. They walked to the dish return belt, depositing their empty plates and Chloe continued on her mission to get Beca to agree, as they walked to the exit.

"But Beca, it'll be a good way to meet people, even if it's people outside of the team."

Beca glanced at her phone. 5 minutes until class.

"Look, Red. I'll think about it. I really will but if I don't show, please don't be surprised."

Chloe sighed but nodded her understanding nevertheless. "Ok. I don't mean to annoy you or anything. If you really don't want to go it's ok. We can hang out another time." She said offering a reassuring smile to let Beca know she wasn't trying to guilt her into showing.

Beca returned the smile as she opened the door of the dining hall, allowing Chloe to exit first before following. She had class on the east side of campus and Chloe told her she had to head to the chemistry building. So, they had to part here.

"I'll see you around, Red."

"Yeah, you too, Beca," she said, smiling brightly at the brunette.

Beca watched her walk off in the opposite direction before turning to walk to the Humanities building. Placing her thumb on the authentication pad on her phone, she quickly typed out a text message to Mary Elise. Hitting send, she slipped her phone into her pocket and took off in a slow jog the rest of the way to class.

"_Mar, wanna go to a party tonight?"_

_You let me in then broke me down  
the difference is this time around  
I will not let you see me try_

_I'm up  
I'm down  
like a rollercoaster racing through my life  
I've erased the past again_

_Erased the past again now  
Erased the past again_

_Beneath the water  
that has fallen from my eyes_

_**So I was asked since mitchen in this fic won't have any sexual encounters will they at least kiss. Yes they will although it won't be for some time. As the chapters progress forward and maybe after reading this chapter you'll realize why Beca has shied away from any type of intimacy. **_

_**Oh and not to worry, bechloe will remain friends in this story although it appears that I'm setting it up for them to be the main pairing.**_

_**How do you guys feel about Jessica and her bit of backstory revealed? I'm trying to make my characters, even the minor characters more complex and I kinda started doing it in SOS but I'm trying to get better at it. After I post this chapter, I'm going to go missing next week because of finals but I'll definitely post after that. Who knows, depending on how much time I have to edit chapters 5 and 6 I might do a double post. **_

_**Um, anything else? Uhh, are you guys interested in this type of story? I know it's starting off slow, but I'm trying not to overload chapters with too much and better pace my story. If you are interested please stick it out, I promise it picks up and gets interesting soon.**_

_**As always review, they'll really help me get through this stressful week of finals. **_


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
A Little Party Never Killed Anyone

_Dear Beca:_

_Do you remember your first party? You should. It wasn't that long ago—if you don't count nearly a decade as a long time. Well, do you remember how beautiful you looked, in that blue sundress Julia bought you? Remember how great it felt, her fingers running through your hair as she braided it into this neat and perfect French braid. Hands not tainted in the blood of your innocence? Wasn't it fun pretending that Julia was your real mom, and the monster at home didn't exist? Do you remember how great it felt for her family to welcome you? How bright you smiled when her uncle called you "little Jules" as he handed you a hot dog. The fun you had dancing and playing with her younger cousins? What about how lovingly she carried you to her car, and you being too exhausted to walk, just curled into her arms. Do you remember all of those things? Good, because when the other memories start to flood back without the aid of alcohol to keep them at bay you'll need those memories to keep you from drowning in the nightmares._

"Chloe? You haven't been listening to a word I've said." Aubrey complained, reaching behind her to grab the drink she sat on the counter a few seconds before.

Chloe looked over at her best friend, blushing in embarrassment. "That's not true, I've heard everything you've said."

"You're lying. You've been staring at the door for the past twenty minutes. Are you expecting someone?" she asked condescendingly.

Stacie walked into the kitchen reaching into the refrigerator to grab another beer. "She's probably looking for Beca."

Aubrey crossed her arms in irritation, "Is that true?"

Chloe looked away and mumbled, "No."

Fat Amy who'd walked into the kitchen a few moments before shook her head, "That's not what I heard."

Aubrey turned to look at her teammate, "And what have you heard?"

"That the gingah has a hard on for short stack."

"And _who_ told you this?" Aubrey question, not at all pleased with the possibility that her best friend could possibly interested in the insufferable alt-girl.

"One of my boyfriends told me he saw her having dinner with the little one."

Chloe's head shot up as she eyed her teammates, realizing there wasn't a way around telling the truth.

"Ok so maybe I do like her but I literally _just_ met her and I don't want to scare her off."

"Chloe, you can't be serious. I—"

Chloe's hand shot up to stop Aubrey. "Look, Bree. You're my best friend but I'm really not in the mood to hear you list all the reasons you hate Beca."

"I just think you should reconsider-"

"No Aubrey. You don't listen to anything I have to say about your relationship so I don't have to listen to anything you have to say regarding mine."

Aubrey's eyes narrowed as she stared at her best friend intensely, "This is not the same thing and you know it."

Chloe shook her head and walked away from the blonde, not even bothering to stick around for the rest of her statement. She didn't mean to get so defensive but this was the one thing Chloe knew Aubrey was wrong about. She judged Beca without ever giving her a chance. Chloe had and she knew there was so much more to Beca than her friend was willing to give her credit for.

_Party girls don't get hurt  
Can't feel anything, when will I learn  
I push it down, push it down_

_I'm the one "for a good time call"  
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell  
I feel the love, feel the love_

"I never thought I'd see the day where Beca Mitchell would voluntarily attend a house party."

"Oh shut up and get us something to drink."

Mary Elise chuckled, dogging the light punch Beca aimed at her arm before she began to make her way through the crowd. Beca looked around at the swarm of bodies pressed against each other as they danced to the music and she instantly remembered why parties never appealed to her. The smell of liquor in the air coupled with the stale smog of weed and cigarettes, it was enough to make her consider turning around and walking right out the door she'd entered through a few minutes before. This was actually the second house party she'd ever been to. That isn't to say she hadn't been invited to any but Julia didn't want her drinking alcohol—that is unless she was the one pouring it down her throat. Exhaling, she scratched at her eyebrow as she walked further into the room to find somewhere to wait for Mary Elise.

Well at least the DJ was good. The last thing she needed was to be trapped in a house with terrible music. She felt in an alternate life she'd probably be a singer who wanted to produce music. Yeah, in a different, less miserable life. She could sing, but, like basketball, she no longer enjoyed it and refrained from it. If it weren't for the few moments she found herself singing along to the music on her iPod, she would have thought she lost the talent to sing all together. Muse by O.C.A.D was blasting through the speakers and its sensual tone resulted in a lot of girls pressed against guys, girls pressed against girls, and the occasional guy grinding on another. She even noticed the Center from the basketball team, Stacie, grinding rather provocatively on the Forward, Cynthia Rose. That pairing she would have never guessed but, hey, who was she to judge. They looked happy and a part of Beca wished she had someone to make her feel that way.

She waited a few more seconds, standing uncomfortably against the wall by the door before she decided to go look for Mary Elise. When she got to the kitchen after having squeezed through the throng of people, she was disappointed to see it devoid of her friend. The only two people in the room were Aubrey and the guy currently in her face attempting to get her to dance with him. Based on the varsity jacket that team had an affinity for wearing she assumed he was an _uninvited_ football player and if Aubrey's face was any indication, she wanted him to out of her face.

"Anthony, I have a girlfriend remember? Charlie? She's your QB's sister?" Aubrey tried to walk around the taller teen but he side stepped and blocked her path.

"So? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"Last longer than two minutes," Beca chimed in. Startling herself, she looked down at the floor in confusion, wondering what possibly possessed her to come to Aubrey's aid. Oh well, no backing down now.

The football player turned around in anger, Aubrey looking over his shoulder in relief, grateful for the distraction.

"Who in the hell are you?"

"Doesn't matter. What matters is, she wants you out of her face."

Anthony stepped closer, eying Beca menacingly, "And if I don't? What are you going to do about it?"

Beca shrugged, "Nothing. I don't care what you do with Aubrey. However, her girlfriend might feel differently. Better yet, Charlie's brother, you know the quarterback for your team, I'm sure he'll have no qualms about kicking the ass of some haughty second string freshman."

A glimpse of fear left Anthony's face as quickly as it appeared but Beca caught it and smirked in satisfaction as the football player pushed past her mumbling, "Fucking bitch."

"I'll keep that in mind when I'm doing my weekly self-esteem check."

Beca looked at Aubrey who stood studying Beca in what the young brunette could only assume was her attempt to form some sort of thanks.

Walking over to the refrigerator to grab a beer, Beca pulled the amber bottle out and used the edge of the counter to pop of the top. Aubrey had yet to say anything and Beca just shook her head as she walked past her and sat on the counter across from her.

"I can hear your brain frying." she quipped before taking another sip of beer.

Aubrey sighed, "You didn't have to do that."

"No I didn't but as much as I question your choice in sexual partners, you have a girlfriend and he should respect that. Besides, he and my friend hooked up during freshman week and he hasn't called yet."

Aubrey nodded, quietly taking a sip of the concoction in her red solo cup.

_1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink  
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink  
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink  
Throw 'em back, till I lose count  
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier  
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist  
Like it doesn't exist  
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry  
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier_

"So, what are you doing here?" Aubrey asked from behind her cup.

Beca sighed. Just when she thought she and the older teen were getting somewhere. She opened her mouth to express her dissatisfaction, when Aubrey continued.

"It's just—you don't seem like the type who likes parties."

"I'm not. Chloe invited me," she said with a shrug as she lifted her beer bottle to her mouth to take another sip.

Aubrey laughed openly, taking a sip of her drink, "No one says no to Chloe."

"Isn't that the truth" she said, taking a sip of her beer. Where in the hell was Mary Elise so that she could get a real drink?

The two shared another laugh but the moment was soon interrupted by the door to the kitchen sliding open and Charlie slipping through. Beca knew by her clumsy walk that the soccer player was drunk. So much for avoiding her.

Beca hid behind her beer bottle as she watched her try to sloppily kiss Aubrey, who in turn pushed her away in disgust.

"C'mon, Bree."

"No. You're drunk. Go home. You shouldn't be drinking anyway now that your season has started."

"But I wanted to see my girlfriend."

Aubrey looked at the taller teen in astonishment, "So I _am_ your girlfriend?"

"What's—what's that supposed to mean?" she asked drunkenly, her hand reaching out to touch Aubrey's cheek. The blonde, however, slapped it away quickly.

"What do you think it means?"

Charlie's face was one of confusion for a few seconds before it morphed into annoyance. "Is this about Lisa? Are you still mad about that?"

Beca quirked an eyebrow at that. So Aubrey did know about her girlfriend's infidelity. But wait, the girl in the bathroom, wasn't her name Mia?

Aubrey placed her cup down on the counter next to her and turned fully to face her girlfriend, "No, why would I be upset that you don't see a problem with kissing other women knowing you have a girlfriend."

"C'mon, Bree. You barely had time for me over the summer."

"You knew I was in New York doing my internship. I'm sorry you weren't my top priority every second of the day." She retorted sarcastically. "Besides, you were bus in Pittsburg with soccer, so don't pretend you were forced to spend your summer alone."

"Yeah, but it wasn't like I—I wasn't having a good time like you."

Aubrey narrowed her eyes in contempt at her girlfriend. "And what do you mean by that?"

Charlie matched her glare and stepped closer, "I know you were partnered with that Wallace guy."

"Oh my God, Charlie! How many times do I have to tell you, being bisexual doesn't mean I'm going to cheat on you with the first guy I see? I'm with _you_ and I'm faithful to _you."_

The soccer player sighed, "C'mon, bumblebee. I don't want to fight."

Aubrey lowered the cup she'd been drinking from and scoffed, "And you think I do?"

What Charlie said in response Beca didn't hear because she whispered it in Aubrey's ear. Whatever she said though must have worked because she made Aubrey laugh and it wasn't like the one Beca heard early. It was a giggle.

Rolling her eyes and taking another sip of her beer, Beca turned away, offering a non-committal wave to Aubrey when Charlie led the captain out of the kitchen,

"See you later Beca."

"Yeah, bye."

_But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes  
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight  
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes  
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight  
On for tonight_

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and continued the game of Flappy Bird she'd started earlier, stopping only to grab another beer. She was content with spending the rest of the night hiding in the kitchen until she located Mary Elise, wherever she'd gone.

So, when the kitchen door slid open again Beca didn't bother looking up from her phone in hopes of whatever the person came for, they'd get it and leave. "You stupid bird. I tapped the screen so jump you piece of shit."

"Hey, I know you!"

"Uh," she glanced up quickly before returning her eyes to her phone. "No you don't."

"Yes. You played for Roosevelt high. I remember because we joked the shortest player on the team had the small number. We—we thought they assigned numbers based on height."

She could hear him chuckle at his own joke and she rolled her eyes. "Ha, really funny."

She looked up, this time taking the time to actually look at the guy in front of her. No, she didn't recognize him.

"Did you go to Roosevelt?" she asked, taping her screen repeatedly. Sighing in frustration when the digital bird hit the metal bar, she restarted the game. She was going to get to at least 30 before the night was up if it was the last thing she did.

He walked closer, knocking into the door on his way, "No, but you guys played against us in the playoffs. You guys murdered our team." He leaned on the refrigerator next to her, in what Beca assumed was his attempt to keep himself from falling over. "Hey, you've gotta a really good jump shot."

Beca sighed, realizing he wasn't going to leave her alone. Pressing the button at the top of her phone, she turned off the screen and shoved it into her pocket.

"And you are?"

The boy gave her a goofy grin as he struggled to stand up straight against the refrigerator. "I'm Jesse. I'm the starting guard for the guys' team. Number 1, actually. We're like two peas in a pod." He said gesturing between the two of them. "Are you going to play this year?"

"No, I'm not."

"Why? You're super good."

Completely ignoring his question, she leaned forward to look into his cup, taking the red solo cup out of his hand, "What are you drinking?"

Jesse shrugged, "I don't know. Something Bumper made up in his room."

Beca, satisfied with the answer, downed what was left in the cup. It had been a couple of days since she'd had a drink—an actual one, not the cheap beer in the refrigerator she'd been drinking thus far—and she really didn't want to brave the mass of people in the front of the house to get to the keg. She didn't really like the fruity taste of the concoction but it would work.

Jesse watched her finish off his drink, smirking in amusement. "Not many girls can drink hard liquor like that. But I can already tell you're not like other girls."

Beca looked at him, quirking her eyebrow in confusion, "And what's wrong with other girls?"

Jesse shrugged, realizing he'd dug himself into a hole, and tried to amend his statement. "Nothing. I was just saying you're different."

Beca picked up her neglected beer and took a sip. "Well, say I'm unique or peculiar. You don't have to sacrifice the entire female population to compliment me."

Jesse's hands raised in surrender. "Ok. No sacrificing girls. Can we go back to being friends now?"

"What is it with everyone wanting to be my friend?"

"Maybe it's your winning personality." Jesse joked sarcastically.

"Yeah, that must be it."

"Yup. You know I see you hanging around the fine arts building. Are you an artist? Because if you are that's like really cool. Do you sing? Or are you a painter. You don't seem like the dancing type, but if you are I don't mind. It's cool—"

Beca jumped off the counter and lightly pushed Jesse, "Stop rambling and show me where Bumper keeps his liquor cabinet."

_Sun is up, I'm a mess  
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this  
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame  
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink  
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink  
1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink_

_Throw 'em back till I lose count_

Jesse had succeeded in finding where Bumper kept all of his real alcohol, not the crappy stuff he was serving to his guests. She and Jesse managed to grab two bottles of Jack and a bottle of fireball, before returning to the first floor and getting pretty plastered on one of the couches.

"How could you not like movies? Have you ever seen The Godfather? Or Shawshank Redemption. They're like the greatest movies ever."

"I've seen them and I don't see the big deal. They're predictable. Like, the guy gets the girl and that kid sees dead people and Darth Vader is Luke's father."

Jesse looked at her, unconvinced. "Okay, right, so you just happen to guess the biggest cinematic reveal in history?"

"Vader in German means father. His name is literally Darth Father." It was true, she did guess it. Julia spoke German after all. She didn't speak it often except when she was angry or she made Beca—no she didn't want to think about that. The point was she had a rudimentary understanding of German. Spending every day for eight years with someone, you tend to pick up on certain things.

Jesse took a swig from the glass bottle before handing back to Beca. "Huh. So you know German. Well now I know why you don't like fun things. You know, you need a movie education. You need a movie-cation. And I'm gonna give it to you."

"Oh really? And tell me where this 'movie-cation' is going to take place?"

"In my room of course. I finally talked my dad into getting me a fancy projector and we can hang up a sheet on the wall for the screen and just watch movies until the cows come home. Cool right?"

"Ok, if you say so. But what makes you think I want to be in some college kid's room that probably smells like gym socks and bologna?"

Jesse took the offered bottle from the brunette and took a sip. "Hey, I can guarantee my room doesn't smell like bologna…It's more like salami."

Beca found herself smirking in amusement at Jesse's counter response as she shoved him playfully. "You're such a loser."

"I'm serious, Beca. It'll be awesome. Tons of movies. Popcorn. I'll even buy that overpriced air freshener stuff and spray my room beforehand."

"Yeah, ok whatever. I'm going to the bathroom." She pushed the bottle into Jesse's hand, warning him not to drink it all, before she stumbled through the crowd to find a bathroom.

She sloppily placed tissue onto the toilet seat before collapsing onto it ungracefully. Bending over slightly, she perched her arms on her things and rested her head on her hands.

"_To learn to use the potty  
All you have to do is  
Listen to your body  
That's right  
If you listen to your body every time you have to go to the potty  
You'll always get to the potty right on time  
And soon you too will be using the potty."_

She sang the song drunkenly, laughing childishly as the memory of one of her favorite shows as a little kid, "Bear in the Big Blue House" came to mind. Grabbing the roll of tissue sitting on the sink, she quickly finished up in the bathroom. She knew the longer she was away, the more likely Jesse would finish off the bottle of Fireball.

As she walked back over to the couch where she'd left Jesse, she fumbled with the zipper of her New Balance track jacket. The basketball player was stretched out on the couch cradling the glass bottle to his chest. "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to make s-sure no one takes—takes your seat Beca."

Shaking her head, she knocked his legs out of the way and flopped down on the couch.

"So, what about horror movies. Have you seen those?"

"Yes, I have," she snatched the bottle of booze out of his hands and quickly took a sip, "and they are all predictable too. Like serious. I saw a mile away that Freddy wasn't gone at the end of _A Nightmare on Elm Street_."

"Yeah but—"

"Oh my God, Beca! I've been-I've been looking all over for you."

Beca and Jesse looked up to see a very drunk Chloe standing in front of them, but neither were in a position to judge since they were equally shit-faced. Chloe reached down and took Beca's hand, pulling her from the couch. She ignored Jesse's protests that he and Beca were "bonding" as she led her through the crowd. Jesse followed, not wanting to be left behind.

"Where are you taking me, red?"

"They're setting up to play quarters and I want you on my team."

"But—But that game doesn't have teams." Jesse piped in as they walked into the dining room.

"You don't say, captain obvious." Chloe said, looking back at the male basketball player. "We just thought it'd be more fun this way."

Beca watched as Fat Amy and Cynthia rose set up various shot glasses on the table.

"Alright! Alright! The champ is here." Bumper announced pushing past everyone. He looked around the room with a frown. "Where's Charlie?"

"I saw her go upstairs with Aubrey about an hour ago." Unicycle responded trying to remain balanced on his bike. How in the hell he still managed to ride that thing in the crowded house, Beca did not know.

Bumper pushed Hat towards the door, "Well then go get her, idiot. She's a fucking beast at this game."

While they waited for Hat to return they split into two teams: Beca, Jesse, and Chloe against Bumper, Fat Amy, and Charlie, if she showed, which Beca doubted she would. However, less than thirty seconds after Beca formulated that thought, Charlie was rushing down stairs still in the process of putting on her shirt. An irate Aubrey followed behind her. Beca couldn't believe she actually blew off her girlfriend—no matter how annoying said girlfriend was—for a drinking game. Like seriously? How insensitive could she be?

Beca didn't think about it long, though, because the game began soon after. Chloe was right, it was more fun playing in teams. It made it more competitive, and Beca was competitive if nothing else. A stipulation was added: if you threw up you were out of the game. The team with the most players remaining wins. Chloe was the first to puke and Jesse followed soon after. Beca wasn't concerned though. She hadn't even reached her limit and she doubt she'd be there anytime soon. She guessed alcoholism had its upsides. Beca was now on her own and had to face the other team which was still intact. Picking up the quarter, she focused before bouncing it off the varnished wood, smirking as it landed in the shot glass directly in front of her. "Nothing but net!" Jesse cheered, and Beca smirked as she passed the shot glass to bumper, who she knew probably was the lightweight of the team. Fat Amy and Charlie would be harder to knock out, but she knew if she focused and remained patient she could do it. She wasn't going to let anyone outdrink her, especially not that arrogant asshole, Charlie. After throwing back the shot, Bumper picked up a quarter out of the pile of coins on the edge of the table and tried to focus on his goal. Beca held back a smirk as she watched him blink repeatedly in what she assumed was an attempt to focus his vision which was probably blurring as the seconds went on.

Beca knew the moment he released the quarter it wasn't going to land in one of the glasses. It barely made it the distance to the glasses because of how lightly he bounced the coin off the table.

"Fuck, Bumper. What the hell, you can't be drunk already?" Charlie asked.

Bumper looked at her for a few seconds before he ran out of the room and Chloe and Jesse cheered triumphantly. Charlie glared at her as she picked up the coin, needing to redeem her team for bumper's short comings.

Her coin landed gracefully in the shot glass and she slid a premade shot glass across the table to the freshman. Beca quickly downed the drink and cringing slightly at the faint burn before placing the glass down on the table with a loud slam. She picked up a coin and hers, too, landed quickly in a glass. It didn't take long for Beca to knock fat Amy out—literally. The Australian actually passed out and Stacie and Cynthia Rose attended to her to make sure it wasn't alcohol poisoning.

Jesse looked at beca in amazement, "How are you not even a little bit drunk?"

Beca shrugged and looked at Chloe who winked at her.

Now it was just her and Charlie. It was very reminiscent of the day back in the A-building when Charlie tried to embarrass her and only made a fool of herself. They went back and forth for five rounds and Beca had to admit she was impressed. Usually, many weren't able to keep up with her in drinking but yet here Charlie was, throwing back shot after shot like a champ. Most of the party gathered around to watch, and Beca could hear bumper (apparently recovered) collecting bets like the slimy bastard he was. Beca looked over at the soccer player and for a split second she saw it. Charlie's eyes glazing over. Beca smirked lightly realizing Charlie was succumbing to the effects of all of the alcohol she consumed and in maybe another round or two, she'd have the senior puking or at least quitting the game.

Charlie picked up the quarter and stared intensely at the shot glasses in the center of the room. With a deep breath, she bounced the quarter off the table and there was dead silence as everyone watched it travel in the air. It landed on the rim of one of the glasses, teetering back and forth and everyone watched in anticipation to see whether or not Beca would have to drink. After a few seconds, it titled left and fell to the table. Jesse cheered loudly, "Oh Beca has this in the bag now."

Beca picked up the quarter and quickly bounced the coin off the table, smirking as it landed in a shot glass with a loud splash. Pouring the whiskey into a shot glass, she slid it across the table to Charlie with a mocking grin. "Drink up."

Charlie looked at her in anger because she and Beca both knew another drink would be her undoing.

"This is fucking bullshit!" she yelled, her hands slamming down on the table in anger. The force of her hands caused the table to tilt, effectively knocking all of the contents in the shot glasses onto Beca.

"Real mature, Charlie." Someone said as Beca tried to rub at the alcohol staining her jacket. Stacie handed her a paper towel roll and Beca looked up at her gratefully.

"It's ok if this _freshman_ beat you _again."_ She said, standing, disregarding cleaning her jacket for the time being.

Charlie jumped up, "You fucking bitch," she fumed and got in Beca's face ready to fight. However, before she could lift a hand in anger Aubrey grabbed her arm and held her back. Beca smirked at the older woman, "such a wonderful sight to see big bag Charlie being held back by her girlfriend."

In hindsight, Beca can tell you she made a mistake taking her eyes off the soccer player even for a second because before she knew it, in a sneak attack, Charlie's fist collided with her jaw. The force of the hit sending Beca to the floor. Beca held her jaw, spitting out the blood that was accumulating in her mouth before looking at the senior with a bloody smile.

"I guess not using your hands in soccer has made you weak. Dude can you even fuck your girlfriend with that weak ass arm?" she asked, ignoring Jesse's attempts to help her up, as she got to her feet.

Charlie moved to jump at Beca, but Beca was already on her feet, ready to fight if needed. Charlie has no idea what danger she put herself in if she instigated a fight with the freshman.

Aubrey pulled on her girlfriend's arm trying to get her to back away from Beca but Charlie remained firm in her position. "No, Bree. Let me go."

"Charlie would you grow up!" Aubrey cried out in anger.

Charlie turned around to look at her girlfriend, "What the hell is your problem? You're _my_ girlfriend. You're supposed to be defending _me_!" she yelled in rage.

"I'm not going to defend you when you're being a drunken idiot."

Charlie snatched her hand out of Aubrey's grasp, both of her hands coming up to her head in frustration. "Why do you have to be a bitch all of the time? You know what, fuck this. I'm out of here." She yelled, pushing past her girlfriend roughly and storming out of the room.

Chloe looked at her friend sympathetically. "Bree, just give her some time to cool off. You know how she gets when she's like this."

Aubrey shook her head, "No. I'm going to go find her before she does something stupid or gets herself arrested."

Rolling her eyes, Chloe said "Whatever. Go take care of her like you always do. C'mon Beca. I'll help you clean up," she said and pushed past her to take Beca's hand.

She led the freshman up the stairs to one of the rooms. When they got inside, Beca stumbled in, falling on the bed while Chloe locked the door. Chloe instructed her to take off her jacket and shirt, both of which were drenched in whiskey and vodka, as she walked over to one of the dressers and pulled open the drawer to search for a shirt for the brunette.

"Is this Bumpers room? It smells like a sweaty ball sac and Axe." Beca mumbled as she pulled off her jacket and pulled off the tank top underneath.

Normally, Beca wouldn't let herself be put into this type of situation but she was drunk and her guard was down, something Chloe was fully aware of. She hadn't been lying when she told Aubrey she liked the freshman and she knew Beca was shy when it came to stuff like this. Hopefully with both of their inhibitions lowered, Beca would open up to her without fear of rejection.

Chloe managed to find a white tank top, and threw her the shirt as she walked over to the closet in the back of the room in search for a towel.

Beca pulled on the shirt and collapsed backwards on the bed, suddenly tired. Chloe giggled as she walked over to where Beca lay, jumping onto the bed. Beca took the towel in appreciation although the alcohol had already dried against her skin.

Chloe turned on her side, resting her head on her arm. "I'm glad you came."

Beca looked over at Chloe before turning to look back at the ceiling. "Me—me too. Where else could I get free booze?"

Chloe turned on her side so that she could fully look at Beca. "Exactly."

She reached over, her hand playing with the necklace around the brunette's neck. "Hey, Beca?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you gay?"

Beca laughed out loud, her forearm coming to rest over her eyes as she exhaled a deep breath.

"I'm not planning on sleeping with Jesse if that's what you're asking."

Chloe chuckled, sitting up and sweeping her leg across Beca's waist to straddle her. "I know that silly. I just wanted to know because I really like you Beca."

Beca lowered her hand, as she eyed the girl on top of her mysteriously. Immediately her instinct to run began to kick in but she didn't want to do anything that would hurt the basketball player if Chloe was simply drunk and not aware that she was in such a sexual position.

"You're not so bad yourself, Red." she said hesitantly.

Chloe looked at her through excited eyes, exclaiming, "Great." as she reached down and pulled her shirt over her head, discarding it to the side quickly. Before Beca could react, Chloe leaned down, both of her hands coming to rest at the side of the brunette's face as she kissed her intensely.

Beca turned away, grabbing at Chloe's hands as the redhead tried to pull up Beca's shirt.

"Chloe, stop." she said calmly, hoping it would be enough to make Chloe realize what she was doing. When the redhead managed to unbuckle her belt and began to work on the zipper of her jeans underneath, Beca repeated herself, this time more firmly.

"Chloe, stop it!"

Chloe chuckled and leaned down to whisper in Beca's ear, "Don't worry. It'll feel good. It'll make us both feel good."

Nausea hit her immediately hearing Chloe's words. It stirred in the pit of her belly and a shiver ran ramped through her bones and down her spine. Her mouth was dry as her head spun. She was powerless and once again trapped under a drunk woman. Chloe didn't realize the danger she was in. she didn't sense the uncontrollable anger coiling in the woman beneath her. Beca struggled, fighting between reality and the slaughter of memories eating their way to the forefront of her mind. They felt so real, so fresh, and so raw that her mind had a hard time comprehending what was happening. The woman on top of her, the weight pressing her down, this isn't the woman from her memories. She tried to rationalize this and grapple with her mind for control but she was once again helpless. She was losing the battle and her memories were winning.

_Julia's laughter echoed throughout the living room as she watched the nine year old spin on her toes, her hands stretched out at her sides, and her head thrown back with her eyes scrunched close. _

"_Ms. Julia I feel so happy. I just want to keep spinning forever."_

_Julia smiled at the little girl in front of her as she took a sip of her wine before leaning over to place the glass on the coffee table in front of her. "That's the last time I let you have some of my wine."_

_Beca continued to spin until she bumped into the armchair next to her. Eyes still shut, she flopped down into the seat, throwing her legs over one arm and resting her head against the other. Julia turned in her seat on the couch. She tucked her legs under herself as she perched her arm on the back of the couch and rested her head against her hand. _

"_Rebecca, sweetheart, are you okay?" she asked in amusement. _

_Beca nodded, finally opening her eyes. "My body feels all tingly."_

"_Is it a bad tingle or a good tingle?"_

"_A good tingle." Beca's hands rested on her stomach as she looked over to the older woman through glassy eyes. "It feels really good. I really like the sow-bin-non blonde."_

"_Sauvignon Blanc, Rebecca." She corrected. Studying the nine year old, she sighed softly. "Maybe it's time for you to go to bed."_

_Beca shook her head, "But I don't want to Ms. Julia. I still want to have fun and play. I can't do that if I'm asleep."_

_Julia sat up slightly, her hands coming to rest in her lab as she studied the younger girl. "Ok. So you don't want to go to sleep right now. It's still early, so I wont make you."_

"_Yeah" she cheered lightly. "Now I have more time to play."_

_Julia held her breath as she asked softly, "Do you—Do you want to play a game, little one?"_

"_What kind of game?"_

_Julia bit her lip as she stood up and walked around the coffee table to stand in front of the younger girl. Extending her hand, she waited for Beca to place hers in her grasp, before helping the little girl to her feet._

"_It's a game that'll make us both feel good."_

Beca's eyes were squeezed shut, her breath erratic as she tried to regain control. Chloe's words—the frightening and haunting memory attached to them—were enough for Beca to throw any compassion for the redhead to the wind. Her eyes flew open and dilated pupils landed on the drunk woman kissing her neck. Jerking beneath the redhead, she violently pushed the older woman off of her.

"I said no!"

Chloe looked at her from her position on the floor, being violently thrown to the side slightly sobering her. Getting to her feet, she reached out to touch the panicking younger woman. "Beca I'm sorry. I didn't realize-"

Beca shook her head, reaching down to pull down her shirt as she quickly got off the bed. She ran to the door, unlocking it before she fled from the room. Quickly trying to buckle her belt, she ignored Chloe's pleas for her to wait.

She was fortunate that she caught sight of Mary Elise leaving one of the bathrooms and she immediately walked up to her.

"I want to go home." she demanded.

Mary Elise studied her friend, "Are you ok Beca?" she reached out and placed her hand gently on Beca's shoulder, taking caution to frighten her any more than she already was.

Beca looked over her shoulder, spotting Chloe standing at the end of the hall, concern covering her face, but Beca didn't care. She needed to be as far as possible from this place and as soon as possible.

Seeing her friend's disheveled appearance and her unbutton pants, she looked at Beca in concern. "Beca, did something happen?"

"No. I just want to go home."

Mary Elise nodded, and quickly led her friend out of the house. When Beca reached the coolness of the October air she took off running, not looking back at her friend who desperately called out to her to stop. Tears burned her cheeks as she ran, prepared to run all night if it made the memories stop.

_I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier  
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist  
Like it doesn't exist  
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry  
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier_

_But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes  
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight  
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes  
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight  
On for tonight_

_**So I submitted my last paper at 11:30 last night and I am officially done with my sophomore year. I'm going back home tonight so in the meantime I edited and uploaded this chapter. It seems I do a great job of creating characters you guys hate. First, Mrs. Westmore, and now Charlie. I really hope by the end of this your hate for Charlie will seem very minor in comparison to another character I'm sure you all will hate. **_


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I'm not strong enough to stay away.

_**For this song, it applies equally to Aubrey and Beca—Beca's alcoholism and Aubrey's love for Charlie. **_

_Dear Chloe,_

_I really hope you don't feel guilty over what happened between us the other night. It wasn't your fault really. I just have some issues I need to work out. Nightmares I need to overcome and monsters I need to face._

"I understand that you have a job to do but _you_ need to understand that I have basketball practice this afternoon. I have not missed one practice since I joined the team and I will not start today."

The elderly man in the white coat, Dr. Carlisle, sighed before reaching out to where Aubrey held a bloody tee-shirt to her eye and lowered her arm. "Miss Posen I see that you wrote here on your admittance form that you fell, but I would like to hear from you what happened to your eye?"

"I fell in the yard on Friday." Aubrey said in exhaustion. She'd been in the emergency room since 9 o'clock and it was nearly noon. She had practice at 1 so she needed this nurse to hurry. Otherwise, she'd slap another band aid on it and hope the bleeding would stall enough for her to go to practice.

"Miss Posen, nothing you tell me here will be shared with anyone outside of this room."

Aubrey narrowed her eyes, "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, if someone is hurting you, if someone caused that laceration on your eye, you can tell me."

Aubrey placed the bloody shirt back on her eye to catch the running blood. "I don't know what you think you know but I came to the emergency room to get my eye treated. If I wanted a psychiatrist I would have sought out one."

The elderly man studied Aubrey for a few seconds and Aubrey rolled her eyes as she looked away from his intrusive gaze.

"So you said the injury was sustained on Friday?"

"Yes. I tripped in the court yard on my way home."

Dr. Carlisle gathered the needle and thread as well as various gauze and cleaning wipes. "That was three days ago, Ms. Posen. Why did you wait so long and risk serious infection?"

"Because I had other things to worry about." She answered, flinching at the stinging pain radiating throughout her head as the doctor cleaned the wound. She honestly should have seen this line of questions coming but it didn't make it any easier to answer. She _had_ suffered the cut on her eye three days ago but she couldn't worry about it because like she said, there were more important things to worry about. Charlie was in her room passed out from all of the alcohol she had consumed, and being a type one diabetic made it crucial that Aubrey stay with her in case she went into insulin shock. So as much as she was bleeding and in need of medical attention, Charlie needed her more and she wasn't going to abandon her again.

_I'm not strong enough to stay away.  
Can't run from you  
I just run back to you.  
Like a moth I'm drawn in to your flame,  
Say my name, but it's not the same.  
You look in my eyes, I'm stripped of my pride.  
And my soul surrenders, and you bring my heart to its knees._

Beca was jolted out of her sleep by the feeling of something hitting her face. Sitting up in alarm, she examined the article of clothing in her hands and looked up in confusion wondering why she was hit in the face with a tank top. Furthermore, who hit her with the article of clothing? She looked over through blurry eyes to see Stacie sorting through her dresser drawer while the girl who'd introduced herself as Fat Amy the day before at practice, sat at her computer desk not bothering to be discreet as she looked through the drawers.

"Do you only own jeans and tank tops?" Stacie asked in frustration as she closed the top drawer and opened the one under it.

"What are you doing here? Better yet how did you get into my apartment?"

Stacie pointed over at Fat Amy, signaling to Beca she was the one responsible. Fat Amy spun around on the chair, "Last summer I hooked up with this ASIO agent and he taught me tons of stuff. Including picking locks. If I were you I'd look into getting your locks changed, that was too easy."

Stacie sighed in triumph as she managed to find a pair of shorts, albeit spandex, in the endless array of jeans and flannel shirts stuffed in the brunette's dresser drawers.

"And I ask once again, _why_ are you here?"

Stacie grabbed the discarded Nike box from where it lay near Beca's desk and stacked the shorts and pair of socks on top before handing it to Beca. "We've come to get you for practice."

"Practice?"

Stacie nodded. "Yeah, practice. The thing we do to prepare for or games. Chloe recruited us to bring you to the gym and to not return unless you were in tow so get dressed."

Beca pulled her blanket from across her body and sat up. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll tell you like I told Coach Abernathy, I'm not playing anymore." She explained, cringing at the horrible after taste the few sips of fireball she had before bed left in her mouth. She quickly made her way into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She couldn't believe that they, not only broke into her apartment, but they also had this grand scheme to kidnap her and bring her to practice—and all at the behest of Chloe, who Beca wasn't even sure she could face. She'd been avoiding the senior captain since the party on Friday. Quickly gargling with mouthwash, she spit the mint liquid into the sink before walking back into the room and over to her bed.

Fat Amy stood up from where she was perched at Beca's desk. "I don't think you heard the yank. We aren't allowed to return unless you're with us, short stack."

"And I don't think you heard me. I'm _not_ going to the gym. I'm _not_ playing basketball."

Stacie sighed, looking over at Fat Amy before nodding. "OK, Beca. You leave us with no choice." She said and before beca could question it further, Fat Amy stood and hoisted Beca over her shoulder.

"What the fuck! Put me down!"

"We can't do that Beca." Stacie said, packing Beca's practice gear into the neglected Nike bag by the door and grabbing Beca's keys off her desk. She knew as soon as they got to the gym Beca would just leave but she also knew Chloe could be pretty convincing when she wanted to be. Hopefully, this was one of those times.

_And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.  
And I'm so confused, So hard to choose.  
Between the pleasure and the pain.  
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.  
Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.  
And I'm not strong enough to stay away_

Everyone sat in a circle stretching as they waited for Coach Abernathy to arrive. Beca sat slightly outside the circle still pissed she'd been brought to the gym against her will without anyway of going home because Fat Amy locked her keys in her locker and wouldn't return them to the brunette until practice was over.

Fat Amy looked over at Aubrey and her exclamation of, "Oi! What happened to your eye?" caused all of the girls to look at their captain.

Aubrey chuckled nervously, "I was helping Charlie back to her dorm from the party and we fell in the court yard."

Beca watched as the blonde glanced over at Chloe nervously and was surprised to see the redhead roll her eyes in return before going back to stretching her hamstring.

Aubrey's hands clapped together to get the attention of everyone—in what Beca assumed was her attempt to divert attention from the stitched wound at the corner of her eye. "So, I hope you all know, last night was the absolute last time I'm allowing any of you to drink. The season hasn't officially started but we need to be in top shape when it does. I also hope I don't have to remind any of you that the rule still applies." She eyed Stacie intently who simply struggled before her eyes made their way over to Beca, "No one is to have sexual relations with anyone on the men's team or I will personally rip out your ACLs."

With an eye roll, Beca adjusted her position so that she could stretch her left leg. Fat Amy bumped Cynthia Rose's arm as she jokingly mumbled, "I doubt you have to worry about pint size over there and the male population."

Beca looked up at Fat Amy, angry that she was as careless with something as delicate as sexuality. Beca wasn't in anyway ashamed of her sexuality but she knows everyone isn't as accepting. She got enough bullshit from her team back in high school with their constant speculation about who she was dating on top of her being the youngest member of the team and a starter. Julia would hear the older girls harassing her and yet she didn't kick the ring leader, Camille, off the team. Beca figured she'd rather them speculate about what girl in their class Beca was dating than know the truth about how far their relationship of coach and player extended beyond its boundaries. If she was being forced to come to practice she didn't want to hear her discussing her sexuality. It was a sensitive topic for her and would probably always be.

Stacie caught sight of her looking around nervously. She leaned over and whispered, "No one's judging you if that's what you're worried about. After we caught Aubrey and Charlie in the equipment room in their birthday suits Aubrey came out. Cynthia Rose came out shortly thereafter. Also, there's our resident redhead who's pan."

Beca looked up from where she was stretching her quadricep and asked, "What about you?"

Stacie smiled, "Me. We'll let's just say I don't limit myself to labels." before walking away to join the rest of the group at the baseline. Beca sighed and stood up as well following the Center.

Beca could see Chloe making her way over to where she stood, in what Beca assumed was her trying to apologize for the other night, but Beca really didn't want to think about that night at all. If anything, she wanted to forget it. If she was being honest, she was slightly embarrassed by her reaction. She must have looked like a crazed madman the way she ran out of the house without even the slightest explanation. So, before the redhead could get to her, she walked over and joined Stacie at the baseline, sighing in relief when Coach Abernathy walked in and told them she wanted to run plays.

Everything went well for the first hour but just like tryouts, a disagreement between Beca and Aubrey ruined the serenity. Aubrey, Stacie, Fat Amy, Chloe, and Jessica were on offense while Beca, Cynthia Rose, Denise, Lily, and Ashley were on defense. They were running one of the plays from previous seasons, "Storm" which called for Chloe and Jessica on the wings to switch positions—Chloe cutting across the paint and Jessica running the baseline—before Aubrey passed it off to a wing to shoot. However, in her attempt to pass to Chloe, Lily came up and stole the ball, dribbling down court and stopping at the opposite foul line before returning back to the team to hand the ball back to Aubrey who didn't seem too pleased.

Coach Abernathy sighed, "Why did you pass the ball, Aubrey?"

"Because that's the play."

"Aubrey, you're the captain of this team and you know you can't force plays. If the pass isn't there take the shot or set up for another play."

Aubrey wiped at the sweat on her forehead in frustration, "But the pass was there. Chloe was open."

Beca scoffed, chuckling to herself, or so she thought was to herself.

"Do you find something funny?" Aubrey asked angrily.

Beca turned around surprised that the blonde heard her before gesturing to Chloe and saying "It was clear she wasn't open, especially when you passed it. She was barely out of the paint. Besides, your eyes were looking in that direction and Lily read where you were passing the ball. You should have just shot the ball."

Aubrey rolled her eyes, snatching the ball from Lily, "Well, if you think you're so smart why don't take my spot as lead point guard."

Before Beca could respond Coach Abernathy stepped between the two. "Calm down you two." She looked at her team captain pointedly, "You're staying as lead point guard. Now run the play again and this time if it's not open, take the damn shot."

_I'm not strong enough to stay away  
What can I do  
I would die without you  
In your presence my heart knows no shame  
I'm not to blame  
Cause you bring my heart to its knees_

After another fifteen minutes of running the play, they were allotted a water break. Grabbing her water bottle and taking a sip, Beca walked over to where Fat Amy and Cynthia Rose were standing. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure no one was within hearing distance before asking why Aubrey was so afraid to shoot. The two sophomores looked at one another with a knowing glance.

"What is it guys? Why won't she shoot?"

Fat Amy sighed and decided to just tell Beca the truth, "Because when it counted, she missed."

"Breaks over ladies." Coach Abernathy called.

Beca looked back to the two girls in front of her wanting to ask more but the sound of Coach Abernathy's whistle silenced her and she placed her water bottle in the bleachers before heading back onto the court. "Alright, let's see what Beca's team can do. Run Storm, however, I want my starters to run a man defense." she placed the ball in Beca's hand who jogged to half court.

Dribbling forward, she called out the name of the play, managing to keep distance between herself and Aubrey who was guarding her with a determined scowl. She watched Lily and Ashley pass each other as they crossed in the paint before dribbling the ball between her legs and handing it off to Lily in the corner. However, not wanting to be a sitting duck at the top of the key and remembering that she should never be in the same spot on the court for more than a few seconds she faked left before quickly cut to the basket completely catching Aubrey and the defense off guard. Lily was able to successfully hand the ball off to Beca with a side arm pass around Chloe and Beca was able to make the layup before Stacie was able to jump to block.

Aubrey turned around to look at Beca, "What in the hell was that Beca?"

Beca took the ball from Stacie who stuck her tongue out at the short brunette playfully, "It was the play."

"No it was not!"

Beca rolled her eyes, "Yes it was. The play calls for the two wings to cross and to either hand it off to one of them for the quick jump shot or take the shot myself. I took the shot myself but instead of going for the three I cut to the basket and took the layup."

Coach Abernathy blew her whistle, "Let me see you run that again, Beca."

Beca smirked, internally delighted at seeing Aubrey's anger, as she dribbled back to half court. She knew Coach was expecting the layup as was the rest of the defense so when she passed it off to Lily and cut to the basket, knowing that Stacie and Fat Amy were going to be expecting the layup, she quickly handed it off to Cynthia Rose who'd just cut to the foul line and the pink haired sophomore took the short jump shot. .

Coach Abernathy walked to the center of the paint where Beca stood, "I asked _you_ to make the layup."

Beca frowned, "And I cut to the basket to do just that but I knew the defense was expecting it. I could have went for the shot and drew the foul but I handed it off to Cynthia Rose who was in position to make the shot. Better get the guaranteed two points them hope the ref calls the foul."

Coach Abernathy nodded absently as she walked to the top of the key and picked up the clipboard she'd sat on the wooden floor before approaching the freshman. She turned around to face her team before saying, "That's the type of thinking I want on my court."

"The munchkin can play and think, who would have thought." Fat Amy joked, drawing laughter from everyone but Aubrey who stood angrily to the side.

After another hour of running three more plays Coach Abernathy ended practice. Beca grabbed her bag before walking over to where Coach Abernathy stood.

"Hey, um Coach?"

Coach Abernathy turned around with a smile, "Hey, Beca. You were looking pretty good out there."

Beca scoffed, "I doubt it. It's easy to score when all of the steps have been laid out for you."

Coach Abernathy shook her head in amusement before saying, "Ok. If that's what you say I'll go with it. What is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Beca reached into her bag to grab the play book Stacie had given her and looked back at the older woman. "I just wanted to talk about some of these plays."

Gail nodded, picking up her whistle and clip board before gesturing in the direction of her office, "I'm on my way to my office for a conference call, we can talk on the way there."

Beca looked around uncomfortably before pushing aside her anxiety and agreeing to walk with the older woman. "I was looking over some of the plays and I really liked Boston and Fire. Why didn't we cover those today?"

Gail chuckled, stopping to look at Beca. "Well you can't run plays that set up for the lead guard to score when your lead guard won't shoot the ball."

Beca nodded, her annoyance with the senior captain resurfacing. Gail noting the young girls change in demeanor glanced down at her watch before looking back at Beca. "I really like the ball movement when you're at lead guard. When you're in I'll run some of those plays. But I really need to go. We can discuss this further at another time."

Beca nodded watching the coach quickly head to her office. She stuffed the binder in her Nike gym bag before adjusting the strap on her shoulder and heading back to the gym to leave out the exit that would leave her closest to her apartment.

Scrounging around her sweater for her keys, she stopped at the sound of a ball bouncing off the ground. She looked over to where Jessica stood in the corner shooting. She watched quietly as the sophomore jogged to retrieve the ball before jogging back to her position in the corner and shooting the three point corner shot, one of the hardest shots on the court.

Beca watched on for a few minutes noting that the sophomore made five consecutive shots from her position before she walked out of the shadows. "You have a really good shot."

Jessica, startled, turned around and exhaled in relief when she saw it was Beca. "I was just kidding around."

"Yeah, but you made like five in a row. That's more than just 'kidding around'."

Jessica watched the ball in her hand as she dribbled in for a few seconds before looking back at Beca.

"When I was little, I broke both of my ankles jumping out of a tree. My brothers would cart me to the park in my radio flyer wagon and sit me on the sidelines. Whenever the ball would bounce off the rim and come over to me, I would try to make the shot instead of passing it back to them. After a while I guess I got good at it. Besides, no one guards you close in the corner anyway."

Beca joined in on Jessica's laughter from her confession. "You should definitely be a starter with a shot like that."

"I tend to mess up a lot because I get super nervous in the game."

Beca looked down at her watch remembering that she was meeting Mary Elise at the Fine Arts building in ten minutes. "Well, tomorrow, if you're on my team while we run plays, I'm definitely gonna give you the ball...Look, I don't want to seem like a jerk just leaving mid conversation but I gotta go."

Jessica waved her off, "It's no big deal. I'll see you tomorrow."

Beca waved, "Yeah, see ya."

Quickly making her way across campus, she pulled out her phone to let Mary Elise know she was on her way. After sending the junior a quick text she shoved her phone in her pocket before looking in front of her to avoid bumping into anyone. However, as she approached the fine arts building she caught sight of two people making out near the side entrance. As she got closer the more she realized one of those people was Charlie. What surprised her most was the fact that the girls who tongue was down her throat wasn't the senior captain she hated. This was a _brunette_ with a _dive team_ sweat suit on. Yup, definitely not Aubrey.

Shaking her head in disappointment and irritation she walked away with an eye roll. She had too much on her plate already, and she couldn't afford to take on someone else's burdens as well.

_And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.  
And I'm so confused, So hard to choose.  
Between the pleasure and the pain.  
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.  
Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.  
And I'm not strong enough to stay away_

"You've got to admit. She's really good." Chloe said, glancing over to her best friend as they made their way across campus.

Aubrey rolled her eyes, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "Chloe, I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring her up. I don't want to hear any more about her outside practice than I already have to."

Chloe nodded, injecting, "She has a point, though. You should shoot more, Bree."

Aubrey sighed in exasperation. "Chloe my job as point guard is to set up plays and make it possible for Stacie, Fat Amy and Cynthia Rose to score."

"I get that but all I'm saying is, we would be a much better team if we didn't let fear stop us from playing the game that we love." Silence followed her statement as they made their way onto the quad. Chloe glanced over at her best friend of the past 15 years before deciding to speak about the elephant in the room—or in this case, the elephant resting on Aubrey's face at the corner of her eye.

"What did she hit you with this time?"

Aubrey's head snapped to her left to look at the redhead. Chloe looked at her with a concerned frown and Aubrey sighed lightly as she turned back to look at the path in front of them to compose herself. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Was it another textbook this time, or did she throw one of her cleats at you again?"

"Chloe why are you doing this? You're making accusations when you have no idea what you're talking about? I was helping Charlie back to her room when—"

. "You fell. Yeah, I heard you tell Fat Amy that load of crap and I know it was all crap." Chloe stopped, grabbing Aubrey's hand to stop her from walking away, "_Please_ talk to me, Bree. I know it—"

Aubrey poked Chloe's chest angrily, "You don't know anything."

Chloe crossed her arms in defiance. "Don't I? Do you recall Dominic, the most jealous and obsessive guy I've ever dated in high school?" She paused as if waiting for a response but both women knew her question was rhetorical. "He used to throw stuff at me too. Shoes, dishes, whatever he could get his hand on. Or do you not remember having to reset my nose after he pushed me into a wall and shattered it?"

Aubrey's eyes narrowed venomously. She didn't understand why Chloe insisted on talking about this. Why wouldn't she just leave well enough alone? "It's not the same. I was bothering her and she just wanted to be left alone. She wouldn't have done it if she wasn't—"

"Yeah, I know. She wouldn't have done it if she weren't drunk. That's not an excuse, Bree. Dom used to only hit me when he was drunk too but then I started 'doing things to piss him off' when he was sober."

"Chloe, Charlie is _nothing_ like Dominic and you know it. He never loved you. Charlie loves me."

Chloe sighed and shook her head in disappointment at her friend. For Aubrey to be so intelligent she was incredibly stupid when it came to all things involving Charlie. "Dominic loved me too. Why do you think he did those things? It was how he 'showed me he loved me.'" She said, putting up air quotes to emphasize her point. "Aubrey, I know you feel bad about what happened sophomore year but it wasn't your fault Charlie didn't take her insulin. She knew it was important to make sure her sugar was ok before the game and she didn't. So it's no one's fault but her own that she collapsed."

"If I hadn't started an argument she wouldn't have forgotten."

"Do you mean if you hadn't denied her endless accusations of you cheating and made her upset because you called her out on her jealousy, she wouldn't have forgotten?

Aubrey's arms wrapped around her body insecurely as she walked away from the redhead. "Please stop it, Chlo."

"I'll stop it if you tell me what she hit you with?" she said watching as Aubrey came to a stop. The blonde didn't turn to look at her as her voice broke through the tense silence that passed after Chloe's question.

"Her fist. She punched me, ok?"

Chloe looked at her friend sadly. She reached out to take Aubrey's hand but the blonde stepped back and out of reach.

"I just want to be alone right now so please don't follow me."

Chloe called out for Aubrey to stop walking but the blonde ignored her and Chloe was left to watch her friend walk away from her, probably to find comfort in the arms of the one girl Chloe was beginning to hate.

_There's nothing I can do  
My heart is chained to you  
And I can't get free  
Look what this love's done to me_

Chloe ascended the steps to the main entrance of the fine arts building. Not sure where exactly to go, she looked around and jumped slightly in excitement when a guy turned the corner carrying a guitar case in what was otherwise a near empty building.

"Hey, um do you know where I can find the art students."

He chuckled, "technically we're all art students. You're gonna have be more specific."

Chloe giggled, "You know, the _art_ art students like painting and drawing."

The guy smiled, "I was just joking with you. Normally they're on the fourth floor but I think they're doing some type of construction so they're probably in the basement."

Chloe clapped her hands excitedly, "Thanks. I totes owe you."

The guitar player shook his head in amusement before walking away. Chloe quickly pressed the down button on the elevator and was glad that the elevator car was already waiting on the ground floor. She stepped inside and pressed B. It took her several wrong turns before she found what she assumed was the art room. She walked up to the door and peered inside, smiling at the sight of beca sitting on a stool, laughing at something a girl whose back was to the door must of said.

Opening the door, she walked inside nervously. She had yet to speak to Beca about what had happened at the party and she didn't want the freshman to freak out on her before she had the chance to explain.

Luckily for her, before she had the chance to talk herself out of this and turn around to run for the hills, Beca spotted her.

The girl, who Chloe recognized from her economics class turned around and when she spotted Chloe, she stood up.

"And who might you be?"

Chloe stepped forward, tightening her grip on the strap of her gym bag, "I-I'm-"

"Hey Mar, can you give us a second."

Mary Elise looked back at Beca before nodding and picking up her cell from her easel. Both basketball players watched her leave the room before Beca invited Chloe to sit on the stool at the rear of her easel.

"Beca, I just wanted to apologize for the other night. I was drunk and I thought that we were really into each other and i guess I just read the signals wrong and-"

Beca held up a hand to cut off the redhead's nervous-yet adorable-rambling.

"It's ok Chloe."

Chloe looked at the small brunette in confusion. "Huh?"

Beca sighed and picked up her paint palette to continue mixing colors. "I just want to forget about it and move on. You were drunk, I was drunk albeit not nearly as drunk as you it seems, and we got carried away."

"But it wasn't you who nearly tried to seduce me in Bumper's bachelor pad."

Beca shrugged, as she continued to mix. "I said it's no big deal Chloe. Can we just forget it?"

Chloe looked at Beca, "it's not that simple."

"It really is."

Chloe sighed, realizing that Beca wasn't going to change her mind. So, after a few seconds she smiled and scooted her seat closer to Beca's so that she could see her canvas. "What are you working on?"

Beca shrugged, "Just some scribbles. Nothing really."

Chloe pulled her stool over and, now fully able to the see the canvas, gasped. It was a fully-fledged portrait of Coach Abernathy—definitely not scribbles. She recognized the picture that Beca must have printed from google for reference.

"You're so full of shit. This is amazing. You're definitely have to paint me something now."

Beca smirked at the redhead's excitement as she continued to add white to the paint on her palette, still not satisfied with the hue she'd produce thus far.

"Maybe."

Chloe stood up, "Ok whatever Picasso. You're definitely going to paint me something. I don't care what it is, I just want something that you've made specifically for me."

"What if I painted you a large red octagon would that be satisfying?"

"You're ridiculous."

Beca shrugged, "Ehh, it's just really fun bothering you."

Chloe gasped in fake shock, "So you do it on purpose? I was right when I called you cruel." She looked down at the ringing phone in her hand seeing that Aubrey was calling. She didn't want to explain to her roommate why she was with Beca so she silenced the call.

Looking back at the brunette with a sad smile she said, "I need to get home before Aubrey deploys the swat team to look for me but we should hang out again, this time without booze and with all of our clothes on."

This made Beca laugh soundly, a sound Chloe cherished because she had a feeling it wasn't something she get to hear often.

"Beca, I just want to say thanks for accepting my apology. You really didn't have to."

Beca flicked a bit of yellow paint at her, smiling at Chloe's attempt to duck out of the way. "Yeah, don't go getting sappy on me."

Chloe pushed Beca playfully before bidding her goodnight. She held the door for Mary Elise as the junior made her way back into the art room retaking her seat by her easel.

"Is that Aubrey?"

"No that's Chloe." Beca said nonchalantly as she resumed painting the collar of Coach Abernathy's shirt.

Mary Elise looked at her friend in confusion, "But I thought you had a thing for a girl named Aubrey."

Beca didn't even bother to dignify Mary Elise's statement with a look in her direction instead saying simply, "First, I do not have a _thing _for Aubrey and second what's it matter anyway?"

"Well since you admitted that you find women sexually attractive that rules out my theory that you're 'asexy dyke' which leaves me to wonder, "she turned on her stool to fully face her friend, "why I've never seen you even remotely close to dating anyone. And I only assumed you liked Aubrey because you talk about her all the time"

"Yeah to tell you how fucking annoying she is. I can't stand her."

"You know how thin the line between love and hate is."

"No, Mar, just no." Beca shrugged, "Plus, I just don't want a relationship right now."

Mary Elise studied her friend for a few minutes knowing she wasn't going to get any more out of the painter before turning back to her easel and picking up her brush. After a few minutes she put her brush back down, "Beca, you're really a great person. Whenever you're ready, I'm sure who ever she is, she's lucky."

Beca was didn't respond, instead what Mary Elise said. However, never one to adequately deal with emotional situations she grinned at her friend and said, "You're not saying you want to sleep with me are you?"

This lightened the mood in the room tenfold with Mary Elise rolling her eyes and shoving Beca playfully.

_And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.  
And I'm so confused, So hard to choose.  
Between the pleasure and the pain.  
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.  
Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.  
And I'm not strong enough to stay away_

Water cascaded down over her body and Aubrey felt as if she could finally breathe. She just barely ran home after that uncomfortable conversation that Chloe insisted on having. Aubrey didn't want to talk about something Chloe had no idea about. She had no idea what her relationship with Charlie was like and it pissed her off that the redhead thought she was in a position to judge. Yeah, she was in an abusive relationship in high school but Aubrey remembered it took nearly three years for her to leave that loser. Chloe thought because she had escaped that relationship it gave her the right to talk about the blonde's relationship with Charlie.

They were all friends since middle school but Chloe didn't see the side of the soccer player that Aubrey did. She didn't see her when she was making jokes or dancing on the couch while listening to Elvis Presley.

"Aubrey, please unlock the door."

Charlie didn't mean to hit her and she knew that. She remembered what a terrible person Dominic was and she _knew_ Charlie wasn't _anything_ like that bastard.

"I—I'll be right out, baby. I—I just want some time alone right now." She called out trying not to raise her voice too much and give the impression she was angry with the soccer player. The last thing she needed was a repeat of Friday night. The banging on the door continued followed by the rattle of the door knob in Charlie's attempt to open the bathroom door.

"What the hell Aubrey? I came over here to see you and you're just going to lock yourself in the bathroom?"

"Please, Charlie. Just give me five minutes."

A loud bang on the door made her jump and nearly slip in the shower. Charlie's frustrated voice traveled through the door and Aubrey couldn't help the few tears that slipped at her harsh tone.

"Whatever. I really don't need this stress. I have a game tomorrow and I wanted to see you before the bus left but whatever. You want to be a bitch, I don't care. I'm leaving."

Aubrey listened hoping Charlie was just bluffing and wasn't going to actually leave but the sound of her front door slamming hit her in the face with reality. Turning away from the spray of the water, she rested against the wall and slid down to the floor of the shower. She tried not to cry too much because she knew Charlie was just nervous before the game. When she got back on Wednesday she'd make it up to her, she was sure of it. She knew Charlie would apologize because like she said, no one knew her like Aubrey did. So as much as it physically hurt being in a relationship with Charlie sometimes she couldn't walk away from her. Charlie loved her and because Aubrey knew this and whole heartedly believed it, she wasn't going to leave. Leaving took strength and at the moment Aubrey felt _weak._

_Not strong enough, strong enough  
Not strong enough, strong enough  
To stay away  
Not strong enough, strong enough  
Not strong enough, strong enough  
I'm not strong enough to stay away_


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Welcome to my nightmare

_Dear Lea,_

_You know, I'm starting basketball again. I really think it might help me deal with what's been haunting me, ya know? Help me stop avoiding what's really wrong because God knows I'm tired of dealing with it._

_I know I've been a sucky friend and I have yet to write you but I'm just not ready yet. I should pick up the phone and give you a call to at least let you know I'm still alive but I can't because you'll know. You'll hear the guilt in my voice and know I've reverted back to my old ways-that I've started drinking again and not dealing with my problems. I-I just don't want you to see the terrible example I've led and it have a negative effect on you. I think it's better if only one of us relapses. My name is carved out in the ground so I might as well be the one to hit rock bottom again._

Aubrey sat impatiently in her chair, after having glanced down at her watch for the fifth time since the clock hit 5. She knew that she probably was annoying the girl sitting next to her with the constant sound of her pen drumming against the table but her class ended thirty minutes ago and her professor had yet to release them. Practice started at 5:15 and she had yet to make it out of the psych building located on the opposite end of campus from the Gym.

"I'm going to leave that point for next class. I will see you all on Friday."

With a huge sigh of relief, Aubrey quickly gathered her books and slung her messenger bag over her shoulder before grabbing her gym bag that she'd kicked under chair. She quickly walked to the front of the room and waited impatiently as the people in front of her spilled out of the one exit in the lecture hall.

"Miss Posen."

Aubrey turned around quickly, "I can't stay Professor Callaghan. I really need to get to practice."

"Good, then I'll make this short."

Aubrey held in an eye roll before turning around slowly to fully face her professor.

"Aubrey, I've read over the abstract you submitted on Monday and although it's very well researched and I think you'd produce a good paper, it's lacking."

"And what could it be lacking?"

"Emotion. There's no passion. Where's the connection?"

Aubrey pulled the slipping shoulder strap back onto her shoulder, "Professor Callaghan, I'm pretty sure getting that emotional touch is easy for the students you assigned Schizophrenia or Borderline Personality but you assigned me a rare disorder. I don't know anyone suffering with Fregoli system or how to get in contact with anyone. I can only rely on secondary sources from the Internet and medical journals. Sorry it doesn't have the same amount of available information as PTSD."

The older psych professor looked over a few pieces of paper in his briefcase before returning to where Aubrey stood and said, "Ok. I'll reassign your topic but it better be good. I want real living, breathing sources." He said, ripping of the post it he'd scribbled her topic on before handing it over to the senior.

Aubrey read the topic and smiled glad that she'd been reassigned PTSD. However she couldn't mull it over long because it was approaching 5:45. She was nearly a half hour late to practice. She'd never been late to practice in the four years she'd played for Barden.

"I am so grateful and I know it might not seem like it but I really need to go."

"Oh yeah, you go on. You can email me your new abstract."

Aubrey was already jogging towards the door when she responded back, "I'll make sure to do that."

_I hate you for the sacrifices you made for me  
I hate you for every time you ever bled for me  
I hate you for the way you smile when you look at me  
I hate you for taking control of me  
_

After nearly sprinting up the hill to the practice gym, she managed to be dressed nearly ten minutes later. When she walked onto the court she saw Beca running lead point guard. Aubrey walked over to where Coach Abernathy stood on the sideline watching to explain her lateness and to ask what were they working on.

"My professor let class out a little later than usual."

Gail glanced over before looking back at the court, "Stacie, that will always be a defensive foul if you don't set your feet." She nodded her head at what Aubrey had told her, "I figured. You're never late so I knew it was probably out of your hands."

Aubrey sighed, glad she wouldn't have run suicides, the normal punishment for tardiness. "Ok, um what are we working on?"

"Plays. I thought I'd see how Boston ran with some of the new girls."

Aubrey looked at the older woman in confusion, "But we haven't run Boston since I was a sophomore. Why are you introducing it now?"

"Because I think it will work well if I have to substitute Beca in for you during a game."

Aubrey wanted to voice her objection but decided to keep quiet, instead saying, "Ok, well I'll just go in for Beca, then."

"No, Aubrey, take Jessica's spot on the wing. I want to see more of what Beca can do as lead point guard."

Aubrey sighed before jogging over to the wing where Jessica stood, motioning for her to leave the floor.

Beca saw Aubrey enter out of the corner of her eye so she jogged back to half court to set the play up again.

"Boston."

Beca dribbled to the top of the key looking at the rest of her team as they were set up in a 1-3-1 offense. She passed the ball over to Chloe while Fat Amy who stood at the foul line set the pick on lily, while beca rolled off the screen and cut to the basket for the layup. However, Denise was there to block Beca's shot so Chloe couldn't get the pass off. So, as the play dictated, Beca ran over to the opposite end post to set the screen for Stacie who cut across to the position Beca had just occupied. Meanwhile Aubrey ran across the baseline, meeting Stacie's eye as the taller brunette caught the pass from Chloe. Quickly kicking the ball out to Aubrey in the corner, everyone could see her hesitating, but after looking over to Coach Abernathy who glared back, she shot the ball not watching to see if it went in. Beca chuckled as the ball swished through the hoop,

"That wasn't so hard was it?"

Aubrey rolled her eyes and held back the biting remark. She really wasn't in the mood for an argument. Coach Abernathy walked to the center of the group and looked at Aubrey. "For your sake I'm glad you took that shot because if you hadn't you'd be riding the bench for the rest of the season."

Beca smirked at Aubrey who glared at her before turning away. Gail told the girls that they were done running plays and the rest of the practice would be spent scrimmaging and that she wanted the plays incorporated. She looked specifically at Aubrey as she specified, "All of them."

Deciding for a minute, she looked down at her watch, "I have an NCAA meeting at seven so I have to cut practice short but we'll scrimmage for the remaining time left. Captains are Stacie and Beca. Choose wisely."

Stacie chose Aubrey first and Beca looked around and to the surprise of everyone there, she picked Jessica. Stacie, capitalizing on what she thought was a huge mistake by the freshman, chose Chloe. After splitting up the team into two, Stacie and Denise met in the center for the jump ball. Denise was able to hit it out to Beca who immediately made the quick pass to Fat Amy who was quickly making her way to towards the basket. Running towards the basket in case the Australian didn't make the layup, she began to backpedal before turning around and running down the court to play defense.

"Way to see her, Beca." Coach Abernathy called.

Beca's team got back on defense, Beca calling out to set up a 2-3 zone. Aubrey's team, made of mostly veterans, set up to run whatever play Aubrey had called for. As Aubrey made her way down the court, examining where her team was spread out on the floor, she called out for "Five high," quickly passing the ball off to the wing for Chloe to shoot. The ball went in smoothly, and Beca who'd been too late to put her hand up was left watching the cocky redhead winking at her.

Beca took the ball from Stacie and stepped out bounds to pass the ball into play to Lily. Lily went to pass the ball back but Beca told her to bring it down. Lily, slightly confused, did as told, and Beca ran down to take what would be her spot on the as she called out to run 'Fire'. Lily made it to the top of the key and Aubrey stepped up to play defense. Beca ran to the foul where Denise stood to set the screen on Stacie while the tall forward rolled off the pick to take Beca's place at the wing. Lily passed the ball to Denise as she transitioned over to the wing and Denise shot the ball over to Jessica in the corner.

"Shoot!" Beca called knowing the sophomore would hesitate. Jessica quickly shot up the ball jumping in excitement when the ball went in, leaving the other team stunned.

She mouthed a thank you to Beca as they ran back down court and Beca knew, although small, she'd given Jessica something worthy in the sophomore's eyes.

"Aubrey, you better watch out. Beca's been here all of a week and she's even got Jessica scoring." Fat Amy joked and everyone joined in on her laughter.

Despite the smirk on her face, Beca felt bad at seeing the obvious worry on the senior captain's face. It didn't bring her the satisfaction she thought it would.

Aubrey's team got the ball again and Beca's team were able to successfully defend, with Cynthia Rose getting the rebound off the missed shot Ashley took before passing it to Beca. Beca brought the ball down and set up the play, however instead of passing it off, she took advantage of Chloe over playing the left wing and she penetrated the paint for the layup. Stacie was there with her hands up but Beca was able to make the shot, drawing the foul from the tall brunette.

Coach Abernathy blew her whistle, "Stacie, PLANT. YOUR. FEET. You will never get an offensive foul any other way."

Taking the ball from Cynthia Rose, she passed it to Beca telling her to take two shots. Beca walked to the foul line as Aubrey, Cynthia Rose, Stacie, and Denise set up for the rebound. Bouncing the ball a few times, beca positioned her hand correctly before releasing the ball. It bounced off the backboard and went into the basket. Stacie hit the ball back to her and Beca set up to do the same again.

Coach Abernathy blew her whistle lightly to grab her attention. "Wait, Beca. That shot was great but I think you can make it better. Try moving your hand over on the ball. Also take a few steps to the left, you're slightly off center."

Beca nodded and moved to make the corrections. However it wasn't quite what Gail wanted so the older woman walked over silently and placed her hands on Beca's hips to move her over a few inches.

Beca immediately dropped the ball and pushed Coach Abernathy away instinctually, anxiously yelling, "Don't touch me!"

_She twirled the two flowers glued to black ribbon between her index and middle finger. As the minutes ticked by, the only sound in the room was the woman panting behind her. But, she never stopped twirling the corsage, even when her eyes were so blurry with tears she barely could see. It was such a pretty flower, two white roses that her date had delicately tied around her wrist. So delicate was her touch and yet Julia crumbled the flowers as she held down her wrists. Delicate in application, rough in removal. The figure behind her moved and she couldn't hide the flinch at the feeling of her soft lip pressing against her shoulder. _

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."  
Whatever tears Beca had been managing to hold back until this point had broken the levees and were now pouring down her face as soft sobs fell from her lips. _

"_Please, blackbird. I'm sorry I was so rough honey." Another kiss to her neck. "Blackbird, look at me…please."  
Beca remained lying on her side, the corsage having slipped from her hand on to the floor, and now she stared at the blank wall in front of her, clutching her torn yellow dress to her body. Beca wished she would just leave her alone. Why did she insist on talking as if her actions didn't already speak volumes? _

"_Blackbird, please, baby. Turn around..."  
Beca shook her head and clutched the dress tighter. _

"_I'm sorry sweetheart. I didn't mean to be so rough but you enjoyed it too. I saw it. I saw you come undone under me too." _

_Beca's eyes squeezed shut as heavy anguished tears slipped past the barriers of her eyes. Her teeth bit down roughly on her bottom lip, and she could feel the boiling guilt inside of her increase tenfold at the older woman's words. Were they supposed to make her feel better about what happened? Because they only served to make her feel like shit. She stared at the small crack in the wall hoping it was enough to unearth the foundation of the house so that it'd crumble and bury her underneath. _

_She didn't mean to react but no matter how hard she tried, her body always betrayed her. When Julia was between her legs, her mouth on her, drinking all that the little girl provided, she tried not to feel but it felt good and she wished it didn't. It should hurt—be the most painful thing she'd ever experienced in her short 14 years of life—but it didn't and she hated herself for every moan that escaped her lips. Why did Julia have to remind her? Remind her of the disgusting, dirty, girl she was? Instead of secreting blood between her legs in pain, she gushed wet arousal in pleasure for her abuser. Only a filthy and disgusting girl reacted. She reacted. She was dirty. She was filthy. She was disgusting. _

"_Baby, please don't ignore me…I know I hurt you by using the toy so roughly but I can go slowly this time and it'll better. I promise." _

_Her hand wrapped around Beca's waist and began a slow descent down between the teen's legs and all Beca could think was 'not again.' Beca, mind numb, eyes red, and body sore, clutched the dress desperate to get away—to get anywhere but here. When she fell to the floor harshly, she didn't even flinch and continued to try and flee. Her eyes stared back at Julia in fear as the older woman tried to get Beca to stop. _

"_Blackb—"  
"No! Don't touch me! Don't ever touch me again." _

Everyone looked up in confusion, Coach Abernathy in particular. Beca, realizing that she freaked out, picked up the ball and softly mumbled an apology. "I—I'm sorry. I—I just don't like being touched."

Coach Abernathy, still slightly taken aback, nodded her head, "Oh, well I'm sorry. Just keep those corrections in mind." She walked back over to the sideline and blew the whistle for Beca to continue.

Practice ended not long after that and Beca was glad for that because she had buried that memory below all the others and cut through her mind and flashed before her eyes like a tragic car accident.

_I hate you for always saving me from myself  
I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else  
I hate you for always pulling me back from the edge  
I hate you for every kind word you ever said  
I'll bleed you dry now_

Beca stood at her locker pulling on her sweatpants over her practice shorts. She was glad that her locker was situated in the back and left her out of sight of the rest of the girls. She wanted to get dressed as quickly as possible and get home because she was losing it. She was barely holding on trying to avoid another panic attack like the one she had at the party but she knew the longer she was her, the harder it would become. The locker room door opened and the various voices of the rest of the team filled the room as the girls made their way to their lockers.

"Did you see Beca's freak out?" Fat Amy asked catching Beca's attention. She peeked around the green lockers and saw a lot of the girls nodding.

"Yeah. What was that about? It was like she was hypnotized or something the way her eyes went blank like that." Stacie said walking back into the main area of the locker room in just a towel. Cynthia Rose's eyes widened at the sight of her crush. Stacie winked at the pink haired girl before turning her attention back to the Australian.

Fat Amy nudged CR with her elbow to pull her attention from the tall Center. "Do you think she's like a psycho or something? One of my boyfriends used to go blank like that right before he threw himself into a wall, although he was sort of crazy anyway."

Beca leaned against the locker in front of her and exhaled in frustration. It was almost as if high school had come again where she was the victim of locker-room gossip.

"_I don't understand why Coach is paying her so much attention. She's not even a real member of the team." _

_Beca glanced over from where she sat on the wooden bench tying up her laces. Camille, the starting guard for the team stood on the opposite side of the locker room talking to her group of friends, stealing glances over at Beca every so often._

"_Maybe she feels sorry for her. I heard her mother does crack," her twin sister, Courtney quipped._

"_I thought it was heroin?"_

_Beca closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing. It was something Julia had taught her to do when she felt her anger getting out of control. It wasn't working and the steam and humidity in the room was only making it worse. She wanted to defend her mother. She might have been terrible to her but it didn't matter because she was still her mother. No, she couldn't do that and cause another fight. _

_Grabbing her Reebok bag, she swung it over her shoulder and grabbed her phone from beside her before standing up. She walked to the front of the locker room hoping to reach the door before Camille or Courtney realized she was leaving. The two were terrible independently and when they were together using their sister for support, they were completely incorrigible. Unfortunately, she wasn't granted such courtesy. _

"_Where are you going Beca? Gonna run back to mommy?"_

_Beca stood in front of the tall upperclassman trying to control her temper. She didn't understand why the junior acted as if it were her sole mission in life to make Beca's time here a living hell._

"_I just want to go home. I don't want any trouble, Camille." _

"_Well you should've thought of that before you waltzed in here as if you owned the place."_

"_I didn't do anything. Coach wants me here so that can be ready for the elementary season."_

"_Exactly. You're not in high school so you don't belong here."_

"_Cam, leave the girl alone." Tanya said and Camille glanced over at her telling her to mind her business. "You should be concerned too, T. You're a sophomore. It's obvious when she's a freshman that coach is gonna make her a starter. What do you think that means for you?"_

_Beca tried to walk around the junior but a hand at her chest stopped her once again. "What's wrong little Becky?"_

"_Leave me alone."_

"_Why? Is itty bitty Beca going to run and tattle to coach?"_

"_I just want to be left alone." She once again tried to walk past Camille and the junior once again pushed her back. This time, however, there was more force behind it and it caused Beca to violently crash into the green lockers next to her. She could hear Camille's cackled laugh and it was as if a fuse had blown. Pushing off the metal lockers, Beca jumped onto Camille bringing them both crashing to the floor. The sigh of Beca's 110 lbs., 5'3 form jumping onto their lead point guard sent most of the girls into shock and they all stood by watching as Beca continuously hit Camille, tears of frustration blurring her sight._

_It wasn't until she'd bloodied Camille's face did the other girls spring into action and move to pull Beca off of the older teen. Unfortunately, it was a minute too late because Coach Matthews heard the commotion in her office across the hallway. "What's going on in here?" she asked, her sudden appearance startling the team. Fighting was something Coach Matthews _**did not**_ tolerate. Courtney stepped forward. "Beca just jumped on Cam when she didn't even provoke her."_

_Beca struggled in the arms of the girls holding her, kicking her feet out in hopes of making contact with Camille. "She's lying!" she cried out in anger. Why in the hell was she crying? She was angry, not sad and yet water was running down her face. Julia turned to look at Beca and the 12 year old met her concerned gaze with one of fury. _

"_What happened Rebeca?"_

"_None of your fucking business." She spewed venomously. The sadness that passed quickly through Julia's eyes made her feel bad for a second but she didn't show it. The last thing she needed was confirming Camille's suspicions that she ran and told Julia everything. _

_The concern in Julia's eyes morphed into anger and she held Beca's eyes for a few seconds before she turned to look at her senior captain. "What happened here Camille? Why were you and Rebeca fighting?"_

_Camille snatched the towel out of her sister's hand and held it to her bloody nose. "Nothing happened, Coach. It was just a misunderstanding."_

_Julia looked at her team in anger upset that no one was forthcoming with the truth. _

"_If no one has anything to say then I will see you all here tomorrow morning ready to run lines until someone remembers why Rebecca and Camille were fighting." Several groans of disapproval traveled throughout the locker room and Julia frowned at the sounds. "Is there a problem with my decision?"_

_The girls mumbled and Julia repeated her question, "You all are sentient beings. Use your words. Is there a problem with my decision?"_

"_NO COACH."_

_Julia looked around at her team before nodding her head "Good." She turned to look at Beca. "I want to see you in my office regarding your language." She turned and walked towards the door not even bothering to wait for Beca to respond as if she knew Beca would follow. For a second she almost did but she stopped herself._

_Beca shrugged out of the grasp of the two girls holding here, Kelly and Pamela. "No. I'm going home." Julia paused, her hand still on the door knob. _

"_Everyone out. Now!"_

_Knowing they were already on thin ice with their coach, they quickly grabbed their things and left. At the sound of the door closing behind the final girl Beca finally looked at the 12 year old standing dejectedly in the corner. Beca's head rest against the cool stone in front of her, wanting to avoid talking to Julia as long as possible. The sound of the older woman's voice brought forth angry tears once again._

"_Talk to me, blackbird."_

"_I don't want to talk."_

"_Why not? What did Camille do?"_

"_How do you know it was something she did? Courtney could have been telling the truth."_

_Julia uncrossed her arms and took a step forward. "That's true but I believe _**you.**_" _

"_You only believe me because I warm your bed at night." _

_Julia reached out and placed a gentle hand on Beca's shoulder. "That's not the only reason, honey. I care about you so much and I see something's changing in you. You're not the happy little girl I used to know." _

_Beca scoffed. What in the hell did she expect? Did she really think that after everything she'd been subjected to, she'd still be the same eight year old she met on the basketball court four years ago. _

_Beca turned around and the heavy tears falling down her face startled Julia. "I don't want to practice here anymore. I don't belong here and they remind me every day."_

"_Honey, we decided that you would practice with my girls during the winter so that you'd be prepared for the elementary season in the spring. It's what best, sweetheart." She tried to pull Beca into a hug but the younger girl stepped back._

"_No! I want to wait so that I can play at Mercer. Coach Jackson is really good and I can just practice with her."_

_She noticed Julia's scowl of disapproval for the other woman. Coach Jackson was around her age and equally attractive, although she didn't _**care**_ for Beca in the same ways that Julia did. Although that didn't stop Julia's jealousy. Beca figured in her twisted mind she thought that every woman had the same _**afflictions**_ as her. A part of Beca, the moral and innocent aspect of her that was mentally deteriorating, wanted to seduce Coach Jackson just to hurt Julia. Maybe if Coach Jackson tainted her with her touch Julia wouldn't want her anymore. Maybe she would finally leave her the fuck alone._

"_I don't want to leave your training solely in her hands."_

_Beca wiped at her eyes in frustration. "They _**know**_ Julia. They know about—about what we do and they keep giving me shit about it."_

_Julia's anger at Beca's confession quickly vanished and she stepped forward and pulled Beca into her arms despite the 12 year old's protests. "Oh honey, they're just jealous of your talent and the fact that you're so young. They don't know anything else despite what they want you to believe."_

_Beca griped at Julia's blazer, crying into her shoulder. "They do know."_

"_The only way they'd know honey is if you or I told them." She kissed the crown of Beca's head before pulling cupping her chin and kissing her lightly on the forehead. "I know you wouldn't betray us like that, blackbird. It's our little secret."_

Slamming her locker shut, not caring if anyone heard, she grabbed her gym bag and stormed out of the locker room ignoring the shocked looks of the girls around her.

"Oh my god, was she in here the whole time?" Ashley asked.

Chloe had just walked out of the shower room and saw Beca storming out of the locker room.

"What happened?" she asked turning towards the concerned faces of the rest of the team.

"Nothing. We were just talking about Beca freaking out in practice. We didn't know she was in here since she never changes here." Stacie explained.

Chloe shook her head, "dammit!" She immediately walked to the door to catch Beca before she got too far since she was still in a towel.

_I love you for everything you ever took from me  
I love the way you dominate and you violate me  
I love you for the way you look when you lie to me_

Aubrey stood against the wall outside the locker room listening to the voicemail Charlie left her while in practice.

"_Bumblebee, I—shit don't I only have like 30 seconds? Crap. I'm sorry, Bree. I know I've been really shitty to you these last couple of years and I'm sorry. I know I say that all the time but I really mean it. Seeing you sitting on my bed with my insulin while still bleeding from the mark _**I**_ gave you—it just—I'm a shitty person Bree and I know I was angry at you when I left but I do love you, Bree. I'm on the bus and they had the radio on. Guess what was playing? Fucking 'The Sign'. It felt like ages since I've heard Ace of Base. That stupid ass band that was annoyingly really good. _

_Oh God, remember that talent show with me, you, and Ladybug? You had us dressed like flight attendants singing that damn song…That was the first night I kissed you…I'm getting off track…I just—I saw the sign, Bree, despite how fucking cheesy that sounds. I can feel my father punching me now if he heard how sappy that was. I know I'm gonna lose you if I don't get my shit together and I'm gonna change, Bree. I promise because I don't want to lose you. I love you and I hope it's not too late to prove it._

Aubrey wiped at the tears falling from her eyes and immediately hit the home button on her phone to return the missed call. Charlie did still love her despite how much she was beginning to doubt it. Yeah, she knew she was just being a little dramatic about what happened last weekend. Charlie just needed some time alone to think and just as Aubrey expected (hoped?) she called and apologized. Scrolling to her girlfriend's name in her contact list she moved her thumb to hit the call button but was stopped at the locker room door suddenly slamming open. She looked up and saw a distraught Beca storming out of the room and a few seconds later Chloe followed in just a towel.

"Beca! Wait!"

Beca kept walking not bothering to even acknowledge that she heard the redhead's desperate pleas.

Aubrey turned to her best friend. "What happened?"

Chloe stared in the direction Beca had left before turning back to the blonde in front of her. Running her hand through her damp hair she opened her mouth to respond but the sound of Coach Abernathy's office door swinging open stopped her.

"Chloe, Aubrey, when you get a chance I need to talk to you before you leave."

Both girls glanced at each other before looking at Gail and nodding.

_I love you for never believing in what I say  
I love you for never once giving me my way  
I love you for never delivering me from pain  
I love you for always driving me insane  
I'll bleed you dry now_

Beca glanced around her to make sure no one was outside paying witness to her insanity. When she saw no one was there she quickly walked on unsteady feet up the stone steps that led to her apartment. She was panting, her breath labored and she knew if she didn't hurry she'd lose the remaining modicum of control she had over this. Her body felt as it was on fire and as she fished in her bag for her keys she knew her increased temperature was her body's way of telling her the countdown had begun before she completely toppled over the edge. As she searched for her keys her phone rang and she glanced down at it reading the name Chloe. She took the phone and threw it down the stairs. She could replace it later. She just wanted to be left alone, isolated from the rest of the world—forever if she could. Placed the key in the lock she turned it but didn't open the door right away. She leaned against the door, burning tears blurring her eyes. She couldn't breath and no matter how hard she tried, as she groped her chest through her t-shirt she could only wheeze and choke on the air she tried to take in.

Beca walked into her apartment not bothering to lock the door. She dropped her things as soon as she passed the threshold and fell to her knees in desperation letting out wet sobs and wheezes. Folding over, she buried her face in her hands as she tried to drown out her voice. She coughed out her next breath and a strangled sob escaped with it. "Leave me alone…"

'_I love you, Rebeca."_

"_They won't understand, Blackbird."_

"_It's our secret."_

Beca grabbed the glass bottle conveniently stored under her couch cushion but her eyes were so blurry she couldn't get the bottle open. The churning in her stomach was increasing in intensity, commanding her to vomit. She needed to fight it and get this impending darkness to go away. Alcohol usually helped but she couldn't get this damn bottle open. She cried a desperate plea as she curled over and burrowed her head between her knees.

"_Just like that honey. A little bit faster."_

"_Look at you sweetie. It's all over your face. Such a dirty little girl."_

"_A dirty, naughty, filthy little girl."_

"Get out of my head!" she screamed, bringing the bottle down to the hardwood floor in front of her roughly. The impact shattered the glass bottle and instead of shying away from the shards, Beca's hands coursed through them like sand, welcoming the stinging pain and bright drops of bloods peeking out of her skin.

Beca picked up the largest shard that formed the neck of the bottle and she held it in her hand.

"_Make me cum __**my**__ naughty little girl."_

Beca looked down at her arm and did the only thing she knew would bring her comfort. Lowering the glass shard to her arm, she began to paint.

_Blood, blood, blood  
Pump mud through my veins  
Shut your dirty, dirty mouth  
I'm not that easy_

_Blood, blood, blood  
Pump mud through my veins  
I'm a dirty, dirty girl  
You want me filthy_

"Close the door behind you." Coach Abernathy instructed as the two captains walked into her office.

"You wanted to see us, Coach?" Chloe asked.

Gail looked up from the papers on her desk, "I just wanted to ask if either of you two have any idea of what that was in practice?"

"What, Beca's freak out? Nope. Why would I know what's going on in the mind of an emo alt girl?" Aubrey answered.

Chloe looked at her friend before saying, "It's not like that Aubrey."

Aubrey and Coach Abernathy looked at the redhead, "Do you know something, Chloe?" coach Abernathy asked.

Chloe stammered trying to backtrack the statement she'd made. "Um—um no I don't but I think Aubrey could be a little more sensitive if there is something wrong," she lied.

Gail nodded, satisfied with her answer but Aubrey knew Chloe for the past fifteen years and that was long enough to know the redhead was lying. She wasn't going to speak on it now, but definitely when they left.

"Ok, well if you find out anything, let me know."

The two turned to leave but Gail called to Aubrey.

"Yes, Coach Abernathy?"

"Aubrey, I want a title this year and I can't get it with a point guard that won't shoot. I _will_ start Beca if you don't get your act together."

Aubrey bit her tongue and simply nodded, "I understand" before she turned to leave joining Chloe out in the hallway. When the two got outside the gym Aubrey stopped Chloe and asked her why she lied to Coach Abernathy. Chloe was silent, shoving her hands into her coach pockets before she looked at her roommate.

"If Beca doesn't want us to know, then there must be a reason, right?"

Aubrey looked at her best friend pointedly, "Do you know something, Chloe?"

"No, but I think I have an idea. When we were alone at the party and I tried to kiss her she freaked."

Chloe didn't miss the expression that passed across Aubrey's face as she stammered, "You—you tried to kiss her?" but she ignored it. She simply nodded and said, "Yeah. Beca has some demons, Bree, and if she doesn't want us to know, then I'm not going to go digging."

_Blood, blood, blood  
Pump mud through my veins  
Shut your dirty, dirty mouth  
I'm not that easy_

_Blood, blood, blood  
Pump mud through my veins  
I'm a dirty, dirty girl  
You want me filthy_

Beca sat under the boiling steam of the shower spray, her knees drawn to her chest as she scrubbed her body harshly with the wash cloth in her hand. What was once a white cloth was slowly becoming spotted with red but Beca didn't notice. Her only concern was getting clean.

She was a filthy

Disgusting

Nasty

Vile

Naughty

Dirty little girl.

Her hands ignored the raw irritated skin. She needed to do this. She knew what she was and she needed to find a way to hide it before others realized what she was too.

"So dirty. So so so dirty."

_Blood, blood, blood  
Pump mud through my veins  
Shut your dirty, dirty mouth  
I'm not that easy_

_Blood, blood, blood  
Pump mud through my veins  
I'm a dirty, dirty girl  
You want me filthy_

_I hate you for every time I ever bled for you_


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Questions Unanswered**

_Dear Beca,_

_You didn't have a choice when she took your childhood, naivety, and innocence. But, why did you stop playing basketball? Why did you stop singing? Why did you let her take everything?"_

Mary Elise made her way into the dank bar looking around the room. The only occupants were a few men who she assumed had just finished the graveyard shift if the reflective vests they were wearing was any indication.

Looking around she exhaled in relief when she spotted the bartender waving her over and as she got closer she realized the figure passed out in front of the bar was Beca.

With a sigh, she walked over to the freshman, placing a hand on her friend's back, taking care not to frighten her. She had made that mistake once before—waking the freshman suddenly—and she still had the scar above her eyebrow where beca had punched her inadvertently, unable to discern reality from nightmare.

"Thanks for calling me, Wade."

"No probs. She kept muttering your name and I figured there aren't too many Mary Elises running around Barden."

Mary Elise looked down at her friend before looking back at Wade. "Did she say anything else?"

He shook his head and continued to dry the glass in his hand. "No not really. She was muttering something about wanting some girl named Julia to leave her alone."

"Julia?" Mary Elise racked her brain for anyone they knew by that name but she was coming up empty. Maybe it was a distant family member that Beca hadn't mentioned to her.

"How much does she owe?"

"Considering you're a friend, I'll let it go. Just get her home. Drinking that much whiskey in such a small body can't be healthy."

Mary Elise nodded, reaching down to try and rouse Beca. "C'mon Beca, wake up."

Beca didn't stir and the junior slapped her face lightly, "Wake up Beca."

The brunette's eyes fluttered open for only a second before they squeezed shut. "Where am I?"

"You're at The Bar."

Beca's eyes glossed over in confusion before Mary Elise's words registered. "Oh yeah. Hey, do you want a drink?" she turned back to the bar to order another round.

"No, Beca. I don't want a drink and you're not getting one neither."

"You're not my mother." Beca spewed harshly reaching for the neglected shot Jack bottle on the bar counter. Mary Elise reached around her and quickly swiped up the glass bottle before Beca could get her hands on it.

"What are you doing Beca? Why are you throwing away your recovery?"

Beca stood up indignantly and shoved Mary Elise. "Don't do that!"

"Do what?"

"Pretend that you know what's best for me. If I wanted to be treated like I was back at Mercy I would have shoved a handful of pills down my throat again."

Mary Elise looked at the angry brunette with deep concern. Beca, maybe you _should_ go back. It doesn't have to be long term, just a week or two until you get your head right."

"No! I don't want to go back to that fucking place. It doesn't help! It didn't help my depression, it didn't help with my anxiety, and it _definitely_ didn't help me deal with what _she_ did to me." She inadvertently let the last part slip and she could see the confusion on Mary Elise's face. Sighing, she ran her hand through her hair, "I won't get better over night or even a couple of weeks so no amount of time spent in that hospital, temporary or not is going to help. I thought if anyone could understand it would be you."

She pushed past Mary Elise, shrugging out of the junior's grasp in her attempt to stop Beca from walking away.

"Beca, at least let me take you h—  
She stopped at the sight of Beca trip over some unseen obstruction on the floor and falling, her head knocking harshly against one of the wooden tables.

She immediately walked over to her friend, kneeling down to inspect her head. At the sight of blood she motioned for Wade to give her something to curtail the bleeding.

"Beca, please just let me take you home. If you want to go afterwards that fine, but I'm not going to let you risk getting hurt more because you're still slightly drunk."

She helped Beca out to the cab waiting out front and they drove the short distance to campus in silence.

Mary Elise helped Beca to her apartment. She left Beca to make her way to her bedroom on her own while she looked around for anything resembling painkillers.

She managed to find a solitary pack of aspirin in a first aid kit in the bathroom and she wasn't surprised by the lack of medicine (of any kind) considering Beca's history with pills.

She walked into the bedroom with the medicine and a glass of water in hand. Beca was curled up on her bed, her eyes closed as she faced the wall.

Sitting the Tylenol on the desk, she looked around the messy room. With all of the clothes strewn across the floor, she surmised that Beca stepped out of her clothes each day and climbed in to bed, leaving the articles of clothing where ever she had stood when she took them off. With a sigh she began cleaning up the freshman's room knowing she used to wish someone would do her the favor when she was in the harrowing depths of her own bipolar depression.

After picking up all of the clothes and putting them in a several trash bags so that she could take them back to her dorm to wash, she grabbed another bag to begin working on picking up the trash.

For the most part only take out containers and coca cola cans littered the floors along with assignment sheets from her classes mixed in. 'Fuck, Beca were you even going to class?' She thought to herself as she picked up another quiz with a large red F on it. Mary Elise sighed.

She picked up the manila folder thrown on the floor with various white envelopes spilling out. Each one was addressed from the same woman: Julia Matthews. Curiosity got to her and she opened one of them, the earliest one.

"_Rebeca, please answer your phone or at least respond to this letter. We can't leave things the way the way you left them. I _**won't** _let things end the way they did. You just walked away—ran away—and never gave me a say. Please just answer my calls and we can talk about everything."_

She opened another one and another. She felt kinda bad invading Beca's privacy but she needed to know what was going on with her if she was going to help her. These letters coming from New York would help.

"Beca?"

"Hmm?"

"Who's Julia Matthews?"

Beca immediately rolled over and scowled when she saw the letters. "She's no one."

The junior gestured to the dozen envelopes in her hand and the various others scattered on the floor, "She doesn't seem like no one. There's over twenty letters here."

Beca sat up in irritation. "She's no one! Now please can you throw them in the trash and leave?"

"Beca, please talk to me. If she an old girlfriend—"

"She is _not_ an old girlfriend. Don't _ever_ call her something like that again. She was not my fucking girlfriend!"

Mary Elise looked at her friend sadly, upset at herself that she didn't see the signs of Beca falling off the wagon before it got this bad.

"I'm sorry, Becs. I didn't mean to pry."

Beca sighed, "I know. I just _really_ don't want to talk about her or my drinking or anything. Can you just be my friend and sit here with me please?"

Mary Elise walked over to the bed and took a seat next to her friend. "Ok. I can do that."

Beca smiled softly at her in gratitude.

"So I see you started playing basketball again." She said gesturing to the gym bag by the door.

"Yeah." Beca answered with an eye roll. "The coach kinda cornered me into it."

"Well I'm glad."

Beca looked at her in confusion gesturing for her to elaborate.

"Although I'm going to miss hanging out during the times you'll probably have practice, from all of the pictures and trophies, you looked happy playing."

Beca chuckled bitterly, "Well I wasn't"

She stood up suddenly and grabbed her phone. "I'm going to the gym. Don't follow me."

_It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone_

Chloe walked into the kitchen unable to hide the bright smile on her face. She took a seat at the table across from Aubrey and watched her type away furiously at her laptop.

The blonde glanced up. "What has you so happy?"

"I skyped Noah today." She said, her smile brightening even further if that were even possible.

Aubrey returned the sentiment, happy for her best friend. "How is he?"

"He's doing better. We're adjusting to being apart especially since we spent the entire summer together."

Aubrey raised an eyebrow, "For someone so sure of getting into Beca's pants, what are you going to do about Noah?"

Chloe shrugged, "I don't know. If we actually start something I'll tell her. If not, I'm not going to bother."

Aubrey nodded and went back to working on her abstract.

"Are you going to miss Barden when you graduate?"

Aubrey looked up, "A little. It has been my home for the past four years. I just wish you were graduating with me."

Chloe smiled, "It's only a year and then I'll join you in Cambridge and you'll get your law degree and I'll get my mD. Just one year, Bree."

"A year, you shouldn't have had to take off in the first place." She said, her eyes involuntarily traveling to the scar on the redhead's neck.

Chloe noticing the change in her friend, reached out and placed a hand on Aubrey's to calm her down.

"It's ok Bree. I've healed and you know I've learn to accept what happened that year. Noah has really helped me see the positive of the entire thing." Chloe said as she stood up and walked to the coffee maker to brew her a cup.

Aubrey took the moment of silence to continue copying her notes from her computer screen.

_People of all ages can have post-traumatic stress disorder. However, some factors may make you more likely to develop PTSD after a traumatic event, such as: _

_experiencing intense or long-lasting trauma_

_having experienced other trauma earlier in life, including childhood abuse or neglect_

_having a job that increases your risk of being exposed to traumatic events, such as military personnel and first responders_

_having other mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression_

_lacking a good support system of family and friends_

_having biological (blood) relatives with mental health problems, including  
PTSD or depression _

_The most common events leading to the development of PTSD include: combat exposure, childhood neglect and physical or sexual abuse, sexual assault, physical attack or being threatened with a weapon. Many other traumatic events also can lead to PTSD, such as fire, natural disaster, mugging, robbery, car accident, plane crash, torture, kidnapping, life-threatening medical diagnosis, terrorist attack, and other extreme or life-threatening events._

It seemed simple enough. Now all she had to do was choose a specific area of focus and find someone to provide her with a firsthand account of living with PTSD. Professor Callaghan did her the favor of reassigning her topic, so she knew he was expecting her to go beyond the minimum. With that being said, she eliminated studying soldiers suffering PTSD as a result of combat exposure.

Chloe returned to the table and took a seat. She waited for her friend to stop writing before resuming the conversation.

"So practice went well yesterday with all of the plays coach had Beca run. For a moment, I forgot we even had plays where I shot three pointers."

With a disapproving sigh, Aubrey glanced over at her roommate before quickly reverting her eyes back to her computer screen to continue typing the abstract for her paper that she needed to email to Professor Callaghan by 8 am the next day.

"Beca doesn't like to follow rules and I won't run those plays in the game. Most of the team can't shoot with great accuracy outside the 3 point line and we won't take chances in the game."

"Well if _you_ would just shoot more-"

"Can we not argue about this right now?" Aubrey interrupted, her hands gesticulating erratically.

Chloe picked up a piece of fruit off her friend's breakfast plate that sat discarded near her computer.

"I'm not trying to start an argument. I just want to know why you insist on picking fights with her."

"Because she's stubborn and hell bent on undermining my authority as team captain."

Chloe, realizing she wasn't going to persuade her roommate, picked up another piece of fruit with a shrug. "Whatever you say, Bree. But, do you want to know what I think?"

Aubrey rolled her eyes as she looked over at Chloe, "What?"

"I think you see in her what you saw in Charlie all those years ago. That it bothers you when she doesn't listen because you find yourself not nearly as mad as you'd expect when she pisses you off. I saw the look on your face when she took lead point. And I also saw the look on your face when I told you I tried to kiss her. She challenges you and despite how much you hate it, I think you like her."

Aubrey rolled her eyes, "You're the one with the fetish for rebels, not me."

With a gasp Chloe couldn't help the chuckle she released as she threw a grape at her friend. "It is not a fetish. Besides, Beca isn't that bad and you know it."

"Ok whatever. My point is, you're the one that likes her."

"Yeah, I do but if you like her as well I will happily step aside if it meant you'd leave Charlie."

Aubrey sighed in frustration, "What do you have against here? She was your friend too."

"Yeah she was until I saw what she did to you. She's horrible to you _and_ she's cheating on you. I just don't understand why you let her."

Aubrey flinched slightly at Chloe's accusation. "She isn't—she isn't cheating on me."

"Do you remember in tenth grade when you and Charlie tried to warn me that Dominic was cheating on me with Jackie Grier and I didn't believe you? As I recall, I outright denied it and called the both of you liars. That it took me testing positive for syphilis for me to believe that he had cheated on me."

"Where are you going with this?" Aubrey asked in frustration. She hated thinking about anything pertaining to the redhead's ex.

"Do you remember what you said to me that night in the hospital?"

"Chloe don't—"

Chloe didn't even acknowledge her friend's attempt to interrupt her and she continued. "You said 'Chloe you are brilliant but when it comes to Dominic you are incredibly dumb. He's your blind spot and if you let him—"

"He will end up killing you." Aubrey added with a whisper. "When I said that Chloe I didn't think he'd actually—"

"That's not the point I'm trying to make here, Bree. Charlie was my friend and I'll always love her but she isn't good for you, Bree, and I just don't want you to have to go through what I did."

Picking up her phone off the table, Chloe walked out of the kitchen leaving her best friend to think about she said.

Sighing and shaking her head to clear her mind she turned her attention back to her abstract wondering how she was going to find someone to interview for her paper.

_Something has been taken from deep inside of me  
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see  
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away  
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played_

Walking into the large room, she was greeted with the sound of David Guetta's "Titanium" blasting through the speakers. The various members of the team were spread out throughout the room occupying various machines and equipment. Ashley was spotting Cynthia Rose at the bench press, while Denise and Lily worked with free weights. Stacie was bobbing her head along to the music as she worked with the leg press, of which Beca wasn't surprised. You didn't get legs like hers simply by walking. She spotted Chloe in the back on the elliptical, but noticing the irate blonde next to her, she only offered a small wave and turned away. She saw Jessica running on the treadmill and moved to make her way over to the blonde. She was still slightly out of shape and knew if she was going to spend her time here, working on conditioning should be her top priority.

Noticing the brunette stepping onto the running machine next to hers, Jessica reached out to slow the speed of her own machine.

"Hey Beca. I'm surprised seeing you here."

Beca looked over from where she was untangling her headphones, "yeah well, I could do with the stress release."

"Well then I'll leave you to it."

Beca nodded and placed an earphone in each ear and tuned out the other noises as she began to run.

Beca had every intention of skipping the optional weight room time that the team scheduled in between practices. She had never been one for lifting weights on working on toning. A lot of the girls back in high school had done it but Julia cautioned her away from it stating she didn't want her in the weight room unsupervised and risk getting hurt. At the time the logic seemed sound but in hindsight she realized how truly manipulative the older woman was or more so how gullible _she_ was. Julia didn't want her working out with the other girl for the simple fact that _she_ wanted to watch her work out.

In the privacy of her home.

Where no one could see the lust in her eyes or the way lascivious hands trailed down her legs to correct her 'form'. _Fuck me for not seeing it sooner_, she cursed to herself.

Reaching out she pressed the up button and increased the speed of the machine. Sweat was beginning to pour down her face but she didn't care. Running, although not a favorite pastime, did do something for her in term of stress relief. Reaching down, she pulled her tank top over her head and dropped it to the side of the machine leaving her in just a sports bra. She more she ran, the angrier she became at the cards life dealt her and she found herself slowly but constantly upping the speed on the treadmill. Her heart felt as if it were on fire and legs seemed as if they'd give out at any moment but she wasn't going to slow down or stop. Right, left, right, left. Run, run, run. Forget, forget, forget.

Then suddenly the moving mat under her stopped suddenly. Ripping her earbuds out of her ear she looked up to see who had the audacity to interrupt her

"What the fu—"

"You're going to kill yourself going that fast."

Beca was surprised to find the senior captain standing there. However, it was Aubrey and not Chloe.

"And why the hell do you care?" she panted in frustration.

"Because like it or not, I'm supposed to supervise everyone and if you get hurt it's my ass on the line." She retorted and despite herself her eyes traveled to Beca's abdomen, covered in a light sheen of sweat which only served as an enhancer to her abs. Flinching at the thought of thinking about another woman in the way she should only look at Charlie, she forced herself to meet the brunette's eyes. Lucky for her, Beca's attitude was a complete turn off for her and she was able to easily push aside her carnal thoughts. What the hell Posen? We do not lust after people and we definitely do not lust after people like her, she thought chidingly.

"Yeah, ok. whatever." She turned to restart her machine but a loud bang and a yelp in pain caught her attention and her head whipped in the direction of the noise. On the ground was Jessica, clutching her bleeding forehead.

Beca immediately jumped off her machine and made her way to the fallen girl. She kneeled beside her, "what happened?"

Jessica offered a grateful smile to Chloe who handed her a towel and held it to her bleeding head. "I think my leg gave out and I fell." She said pointing to the still running machine.

"Your leg? Do you mean your prosthetic leg?" she asked with panic slightly in her voice. Seeing Jessica nod, she added "it isn't supposed to do that right?"

Jessica lowered the towel to inspect the damage, seeing bright red blood she sighed, "no it's not."

Beca looked around at the rest of the team who watched on in concern. "How about we take you down to the hospital and get your head checked out?"

Jessica waved off her offer, "it's just a small cut."

Beca rolled her eyes, "well then they'll clean it up and give you a Band-Aid. However, I doubt that it's just a small cut so we'll go just in case." She stood up and she and Chloe helped her up to a chair that Stacie brought over. Chloe glanced down at the phone in her hand, "the shuttle won't be near this part of campus for another hour."

Beca sighed and looked around the room, "Does anyone have a car?"

"Only upperclassmen have access to on campus parking." Ashely said causing everyone to turn to the only two upper classmen on the team.

Chloe shook her head, "I can't afford a car on top of everything else I have going on."

"Aubrey?" Beca asked noticing her silence.

The blonde crossed her arms, "The last thing I need is her bleeding all over the seats of my car. We can call campus security and they'll take you."

Beca paused at her words before quickly pulling on her shirt over her head. "Can you stop being a bitch for a second and pull your head out your ass? You said so yourself, if someone gets hurt, it's your ass on the line. What do you think'll happen if she bleeds out because you were too concerned with your precious leather seats?"

Aubrey's face contorted in defiance as she and the freshman glared at each other in anger. After a few minutes and a groan of pain from Jessica, she sighed, "Ok, I'll go pull it up front."

_If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would  
If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
I would take all my shame to the grave_

Beca sat uncomfortably in one of the cheap waiting room chairs, her phone in hand as she scrolled through her Tumblr feed. She knew she probably should pull up her kindle app and read that short story by Stephen Crane for class but she was still slightly hungover and exhausted from her workout. So instead, she sat in this uncomfortable chair reblogging a post about a dancing pug, waiting for Aubrey to come back with coffee.

"The stupid guy behind the counter was a complete idiot and got my order wrong like four times. It can't be that hard to remember to add _no_ cream and _four_ sugars instead of cream and no sugar."

"Aubrey, calm down before you end up in the bed next to Jessica," Beca joked.

"I can't calm down. He's being paid to make coffee and if he's going to just half ass it, he should resign."

Beca took her coffee out of the cup holder Aubrey held out in front of her before the senior took a seat next to her.

"I doubt that poor kid's gonna quit because he couldn't meet Aubrey Posen's impossible standards."

"My standards aren't impossible."

"Just exceptionally high." Beca quipped. Aubrey rolled her eyes but couldn't help the smirk that hid behind her coffee cup as she took a sip.

Despite how much she tried to hide it, Beca caught it and decided to capitalize. "What is that you're doing with your face?" she asked, pointing to her mouth. "Is that a smile?"

Aubrey rolled her eyes, "no. it was a—it was more of a grimace…in annoyance because you're—you're annoying me."

Beca sipped at her coffee, "Whatever you say, but _I _say you just smiled."

Aubrey looked over at the freshman annoyed at her adorable smirk. Wait. Adorable? She is not adorable, she thought. Aubrey sighed. Ok so maybe there was a little—a very fractional amount—of desire for Beca. But it would pass. Her relationship was beginning to look up and she wasn't going to focus on something that wasn't going to go anywhere anyway.

"Just shut up and drink your coffee."

"Maybe I will." Beca retorted wryly.

They sat in silence for the next couple of minutes, before Aubrey adjusted in her seat. These seats were absolute shit. "I fucking hate the smell of hospitals," she mumbled.

Beca hummed in agreement, "Me too. It's like they've managed to perfectly bottle—"

"Disease and antiseptic, and managed to mop the walls with it." Aubrey finished. The two looked at each other before bursting into laughter. Beca sat back in her chair and checked the time on her phone. 8:00. They'd been here for about an hour and there was nothing left to do but wait. The smell of antiseptic, ambulance sirens, and heart monitors keeping them company.

She was beginning to doze off when the sound of EMTs rushing in pushing a stretcher awoke her. "I can't get the IV in, she won't hold still." One of the men said. His partner reached under the stretcher and pulled out a leather strap. "We're gonna have to restrain her then."

"_We're gonna have to restrain her."_

"_Withdrawing blood." _

"_Hold on."_

"_Give her five milligrams of Valium, IV"_

"_Turn her head so she doesn't aspirate."_

"_There you go."_

"_Aspirin fragments, and vodka, I think."_

"_Don't tell me what you think. Take it to the lab."_

"_She's calmed down, remove the restraints."_

"_She's a cutter."_

"_Is that why you did this?"_

_Beca's head rolled delirious as she whispered "And other things," before she passed out._

_She came to a few hours later. At the sound of the steady hum of machines reaching her ears, she knew instantly that she had failed. _

_Her eyes felt like there were pounds of led on them and when she finally managed to pull them open, the searing bluish white light stemming from the fluorescent lights shining down from the ceiling forced them back close. Realizing where she was and moreover, that everyone in the room was aware of what she did—or tried to do, she wished she had chosen a more effective way. _

_For so long she'd been robbed. Her childhood was taken, her innocence, the naïve view of the world that most kids possessed. She'd been denied all of that. And now, when she tried to end the suffering that came with living through this terrible existence she couldn't even have that. She was even denied her own death. She had taken forty-seven fucking pills. She wasn't supposed to survive that. Two sleeping pills were supposed to put you to sleep and she figured a few dozen would have the same effect, except it would ensure that when she laid down and closed her eyes, they would never open again._

"_Beca?" _

_She slowly opened her eyes. Her father sat in the chair next to her bed, gently holding her hand in his own and if she weren't so weak, she'd have snatched away from his grasp. He had no right to touch her. She could see sadness marring his face and she almost felt bad…almost. _

_She groaned, heavy tears falling down her face at the thought of surviving. Of having to continue to live. More so, she knew her father would send her back to New York and the last thing she needed was being back with Julia._

_Warren stood up and started to pet her hair, "its ok Beca. You're ok. Everything will be alright." _

_She hated how his words were spoken as if it were a god thing. Surviving was not a good thing. She didn't want to be ok. She _**wasn't**_ okay._

"_My throat hurts." She whispered. _

"_They had to pump your stomach… Why did you do this Rebeca?"_

_Beca turned over and closed her eyes. She didn't want to bother trying to explain to him—or any psychiatrist they tried to bring in—why she'd done this. They wouldn't understand. They wouldn't comprehend how desperate she was to get away from Julia. Even thousands of miles away in Georgia she couldn't escape her. As she swallowed pill after pill Beca realized those small white tablets would deliver her to safety because there was one thing she was certain of:_

_In death Julia couldn't touch her._

"Beca? Beca?"

"Huh? What?"

She jumped, startled out of her daydream. She looked over to see Jessica being rolled over by a nurse in a wheel chair. In her hand was a bag holding what looked like her prosthetic.

"What happened?"

Jessica shrugged nonchalantly. "The damn thing failed on me. I'm meeting with my oncol—my doctor tomorrow and I'll be fitted for a new one. Good thing it happened today because a day later and it wouldn't be ready for the game."

Aubrey glanced down at her phone, to check the time. Her eyes widened at the sight of various unread emails. Cursing herself for forgetting to turn back on her ringer when she left the gym, she swiped her thumb across the lcd screen to unlock her phone.

_**From Grasshopper**__: Babe, I'm gonna grab some Chipotle. I should be at your place in a couple of minutes.' (Unread)_

_**From Grasshopper:**__ "I guess you're probably still at the gym. I'm a little early so I'll just let myself in.' (Unread)_

_**From Grasshopper:**__ 'Where are you?' (Unread)_

_**From Grasshopper**__: 'Bree, where are you? I'm waiting in your room and I'm starting to get annoyed being here by myself.' (Unread)_

_**From Grasshopper**__: 'Where the fuck are you!' (Unread)_

_**From Grasshopper**__: 'This is why we always fight, Aubrey. You're a fucking hypocrite. You get angry when I don't answer your calls or disappear without telling you and now you're out there probably fucking some guy and you expect me to be ok with that. I could have any girl I want and yet I'm holding on to you when you're out being a fucking whore. I swear if you don't text me back soon I'm gonna come find you and this time, a couple of stitches won't be the only thing you'll have to worry about. (Unread)_

That last text had been sent ten minutes ago. Aubrey stood up abruptly and tried to school her features to hide the panic on her face, "Well now that I see that you're ok, I'll be heading home." She turned to walk away without another word immediately looking down at her phone to dial Charlie's number.

Jessica and Beca shared an eye roll. "A real humanitarian, that one." The blonde quipped earning a nod in agreement from Beca. Beca watched the blonde's retreating form for a few seconds wondering why she looked so—she couldn't really tell. It looked almost like fear but maybe she was just imagining it. Yeah, she probably was. After all, what did the great Aubrey Posen have to be afraid of, anyway?

She turned her attention back to Jessica. "And what about the blood? You were bleeding quite a bit."

"Oh that? It was from the fall. Only a couple of stitches and I'll probably have to sit out the first game but I should be fine for the next game. I just hope the insurance Barden gave us will cover a new prosthetic because I can't afford another one on my part time salary"

Beca nodded and walked over to the sophomore, taking over the reins of pushing Jessica. "A job, school, basketball. How do you balance it all?"

"A really great personal planner." The blonde joked.

"Wow, I wanna be like you when I grow up." She pushed Jessica's chair and they made their way out of the exit of the emergency room. "So what do we do now?"

"We take advantage of campus security and have them take us to Flo's for a burger."

Beca looked down meeting Jessica's eye "They won't go for that."

"Of course they will." She gestured to her chair. "I'm in a wheelchair. I'm 'helpless'."

Both girls shared a hearty laugh at this.

_Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past  
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have  
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back  
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past_

Aubrey hissed in pain as her hip accidently bumped against porcelain as she was lowered into the warm water of her bathtub.

"What's wrong, Bumblebee? Is the water too hot?"

Aubrey shook her head as she exhaled and adjusted to the high temperature of the water, "No. I'm ok." she lied.

Charlie looked down at her and smiled softly. "Ok. Well just relax and I'll go make you dinner, alright?"

Aubrey nodded.

The soccer player walked to the door but stopped and turned back to look at her girlfriend. "I love you, Bree. You know I never meant to hurt you, right?"

Aubrey looked down through a swollen eye at the water. It was slowly turning pink from the blood spooling from the various jagged cuts on her legs and hands where Charlie had pushed her causing her to fall onto the sharp ceramic shards of her recently broken lamp. How it broke, she can't quite remember. She slightly remembers being thrown into desk—or did Charlie throw it at her? No, she threw her alarm clock at her.

"Aubrey, did you hear me?"

She jumped at the firm voice. She hated that voice. She—she…no she didn't hate her girlfriend. She loved Charlie.

"I love you, Bree."

And Charlie loved her.

As the reflection of her bruised face stared back at her, she forced a smile and nodded. "I know."

_Just washing it aside  
All of the helplessness inside  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
It's so much simpler than change  
It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone_

_It's easier to run _


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**Dancing with the Demons in Our Minds**

_Dear Julia, _

_There's a rational part of me that knows it isn't my fault what happened to me and there's a rational part of me that knows I'm the victim and not to blame. But…but I've never been rational have I? You really were a master of manipulation. A grand puppeteer. You put your hand up my back (or in this case up my skirt) and control what I say, what I do, what I think, how I act. You were so great at controlling me that you've made me hate myself the way I should hate you. I sit and self-flagellate for all these years and you still have your cozy life, undisrupted. Somehow, after every touch, every kiss, every lie, I still blame myself. You've planted the seed in my mind that made this all my fault, as if you were Eve and I the serpent. __Well Julia I'm no longer blinded by your spell. For the first time I'm trying to get free and I'm going to give you want you want. I'm only but a shell of myself and what remains is filled with anger and rage. I'm going to hurt the way you hurt me. I'm going to unleash this devil inside. _

"_Ain't no god on my streets in the heart of the jungle."_ Beca's head bobbed to the beat of the music blasting from her headphones and she softly sang the tune to herself as she walked into the elevator of Dodd Hall. Hitting the button labeled '3', she continued to sing to herself as the elevator ascended to the third floor. Tapping her foot to the beat of the music, she read the assigned reading for her English composition class. It was one of the few classes she actually took seriously because failing it meant not being able to register as a sophomore the following Fall semester. 'Honestly, what was the point of taking AP English if I wasn't going to get credit for it?' she asked herself as she turned the page in the book in her hand. She really shouldn't have put off the reading but procrastination was an easily acquired but difficult to break habit. So here she was, in the elevator trying to quickly read 30 pages of what was supposed to be a short story for her class in the morning. With the first home game being tonight she knew she probably wouldn't get around to it and she needed to finish the story. Her midterm was tomorrow and she would be tested on this particular text.

The ding of the elevator signaled she had reached her destination. Tucking the book into her gym bag, she stepped out of the elevator. Looking around and taking in her surroundings, she hummed her approval. It was a _really_ nice dorm and it made her wonder why she didn't choose to live in one. "Oh yeah, I couldn't bear living so close to another person.' She mused, shuddering at the thought of a roommate living less than twenty feet from her bed.

She made her way to the other end of the hall reading the numbers painted on each door.

"394" she mumbled to herself, stopping outside the door when she reached it. With a quick knock, she took a step back to wait.

"_When I heard the thunder, I could feel—" _her voice trailed off when the door opened. She looked up from her iPod frowning at the sight of Ashley standing at the door toweling her wet hair. She glanced at the red numbers on the door to double check she was in the correct place before looking back the tall brunette in front of her in confusion. "I'm sorry, but I thought Jessica lived here."

Ashely laughed lightly, "Oh she does—"

"Is that Beca? I'm almost ready, just give me a sec." Jessica called from behind the tall brunette.

Beca stood on her toes to peek over Ashely's shoulder and saw Jessica sitting on her bed packing her gym bag.

Getting on even footing, she took a step back. "So, um, are you ready for the game?" Beca asked awkwardly. Ashely nodded and opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted by Jessica coming up next to her on her crutches. Beca discreetly sighed in relief. She hated small talk and pointless conversations whose sole purpose was only to pass the time.

Jessica leaned over and pecked Ashely on the lips, "I'll see you at the gym?"

Beca's eyes widened as she watched their exchange, baffled. Wondering when the two of them became a couple. She didn't recall Jessica ever mentioning it. or maybe she did and Beca was just to involved in her own tragedy that she had forgotten. Looking back at the two she saw Ashley nod as she reached forward and zipped up Jessica's sweater. "Yeah. I'll bring your bag and lock up the room when I leave."

Jessica nodded and stepped forward using her crutches to guide her past the threshold of the door.

'Yeah they were definitely too comfortable with each other for this to be a new thing' she mused. Still stunned, Beca blinked several times before walking beside Jessica and they made their way to the elevator. Jessica hit the button for the lobby and the doors shut. She glanced over at Beca and let out a chuckle, "Just ask what you're obviously thinking."

Beca's head shot up. "Huh, what? I wasn't…" she began to argue but trailed off at the face Jessica gave her. She sighed. I—I didn't know you and Ashley are…are together."

Jessica shrugged as she made her way out of the elevator. Beca walked beside her and they made their way out of the dorm.

"We aren't in the closet, if that's what you're suggesting. It's not our fault the team barely pays us any attention. Until a couple of months ago Aubrey didn't even know which one of us was named Jessica. They're all so caught up in their own tragic lives they don't see what's right in front of their eyes."

Beca turned to look at Jessica as they stopped to wait for cars to pass so they could cross the street. "Well maybe it's for the best that you guys have this to keep between yourselves. Aubrey somehow manages to taint everything she touches." She joked as they resumed walking. "How did that come about, anyway?"

"My relationship? Oh well, when I first got to Barden, fresh off a bus from Oregon, I still hadn't come to terms with living without my leg. Ash, you know, is a kinesiology major and she was interning at the PT facility that I go to. She—she really helped me through a lot. I guess somewhere friendship became something more."

Beca noticed the small smile that graced her face as she spoke of her girlfriend and a part of Beca wished she had something, possibly someone to do the same for her. It was very unlikely but it was still something to hope for—even when she no longer allowed herself to hope. It felt like so long since was genuinely happy.

Taking a deep breath and exhaling, she brought her attention back to the blonde beside her as they approached the book store.

"So do you have any clue how much these darn things cost?" she reached out and held the door, allowing Jessica to pass through before she followed.

"They used to be forty cents but they go up each year so maybe sixty cents but no more than seventy-five cents to a dollar." Jessica answered. They made their way to the back of the book store to the school supplies.

They stood in front of the black shelf and Beca reached to pick up one of the blue books. "They're literally making us pay for stapled sheets of paper. _I _could staple paper together and save myself the money." She complained. Jessica laughed as she adjusted the crutches under her arms.

"Yeah, you can do that if you don't mind Dr. Reddy giving you a big fat zero. I doubt you can afford an F on a midterm."

Beca sighed, "I can't, but—"

"Beca."

At the sound of her name Beca stopped talking and scanned the room for the source.

Looking to her left, she cringed internally when her eyes met those of her father's as he made his way over to where she and Jessica stood.

"I've been trying to find you all day, Beca." Dr. Mitchell said as he finally made his way to where they were.

With a sigh she dropped the blue book back on the pile in front of her. "Yeah well maybe I didn't want to be found." She turned away from him and pretended to be interested in the composition notebooks on the shelf.

"I just wanted to let you know that Sheila, Daniel, and I will be coming out to support you tonight."

"Ah, so the step-monster and her offspring deem your bastard child worthy of their time?" she asked clapping her hands together sardonically.

Warren frowned at the implications behind her statement causing her to smile internally. He looked over to where Jessica stood pretending to be occupied by a pack of mechanical pencils before looking back at his daughter. "You know Sheila doesn't think that of you. She's actually really excited about seeing you play. She's even making t-shirts for us with your name and number on it." He smiled brightly as he thought of seeing his wife that morning in their dining room with fabric paint and stencils. "Speaking of which, I'm supposed to ask what number you're wearing. Are you going to keep your old number? Double zero, right?"

Rolling her eyes, she turned to fully face her father. "You don't have to come to this game. Actually, I don't _want _you at this game," she said. She picked up three blue books and handed them to Jessica. "Can you buy these for me and I'll pay you back later?" Smiling gratefully at the blonde when she nodded she turned and pushed past her father.

He quickly turned around and called out to her desperately. "Beca, please—"

Beca stopped and turned around. "493."

Warren looked at his daughter in confusion, "huh? I don't understand."

"493. That's how many basketball games that I've played in my life and guess how many you attended?" she paused for what they both knew was a rhetorical question. "Double zero. So please don't try and pretend everything is fine when it isn't. I needed you back then. I don't need you now."

She said firmly, turning on her heels quickly wanting to get as far away from her father as possible. She meant every word she said. Eight year old Beca needed him desperately then. Twenty year old Beca doesn't need him now. She didn't need him or her mother…no one. Depending on people left you vulnerable to disappointment and being hurt. She had her fair share of each so she had personally vowed she'd never need anyone ever again.

_I open my eyes  
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light  
I can't remember how  
I can't remember why  
I'm lying here tonight_

Aubrey's hands coursed through Charlie's sandy brown hair as she laid on top of her, the soccer player's face buried in the crook of her neck as she panted, slightly out of breath. "Fuck that was good." Charlie whispered hoarsely, looking down at the blonde underneath her. Aubrey nodded and returned the smile despite not completely agreeing with her. It wasn't that she was left unsatisfied, no that wasn't it. Charlie made it a habit of making sure Aubrey had an orgasm along with her but the entire act was rushed and completely devoid of intimacy. Hell, Charlie barely looked at her the entire time.

Aubrey unhooked her legs from around Charlie's waist and the soccer player climbed off of her, collapsing next to her in a tired heap. She pulled the sheet up to her body and turned on her side to face her girlfriend. "Will I see you at my game tonight?"

Charlie yawned soundly, "I can't."

Aubrey waited patiently for an explanation and when it didn't come—her girlfriend's eyes slipping shut instead—she sighed and sat up. She glanced over at the new alarm clock on her desk and saw that it was approaching three o'clock. Deciding that she should probably get dressed and begin to make her way over to the gym, she swung her legs over the side of the bed, flinching slightly at the pain in her wrist when she put pressure on it. It no longer felt as painful as it did last night when she'd initially hurt it but it was still slightly tender. She just hoped the injury didn't affect her playing.

Standing up, she glanced back at Charlie and when she saw that her eyes were still closed, she reached down and pulled on her underwear and her discarded t-shirt before exiting the room.

"You know, a text to tell me to not come back to the apartment would've been nice but instead I come home to sounds of Charlie's that I could have gone my entire life without hearing."

Aubrey blushed at the redhead's words, "I'm sorry."

Chloe walked closer, stepping out of the threshold of her room, and narrowed her eyes. "What happened to your face?" she yelled.

Aubrey's eyes widened in alarm as her hand came up to cover her best friend's mouth. "be quiet, Chloe or you'll wake Charlie." She said in a panicked whispered.

Chloe snatched the blonde's hand away from her mouth and pulled her into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

"Now tell me what happened to your face and don't bother lying to me because I know you didn't fall or bump into something."

Aubrey exhaled and tried to maintain a convincing face as she said, "I slipped getting out of the shower and hit my face on the sink."

Chloe crossed her arms and looked at her friend in disappointment. "Aubrey, I swear, if you don't do something about this I'm going to call your father and I doubt he'll have any qualms about getting your brothers to kick Charlie's ass."

Aubrey frowned, "That's ridiculous, Chloe. He wouldn't let them do something like that. They're all grown men—"

"And Charlie's beating you like you're a grown man." She shook her head and raked her hand through her hair. "Bree, you know I hate giving ultimatums but you've left me no choice." She said, going over to her desk and picking up her phone. Aubrey quickly crossed the room and snatched the phone out of her hand. "You _are_ _not_ calling my father."

"Aubrey, give me back my phone. If you won't get help, then as your best friend it is my job to get help for you."

"What gives you the right to—"

"What, the right to tell you that you're relationship with her is only going to have one possible outcome. Aubrey was my life not enough of a cautionary tale of what could happen if you let love blind you?"

"You don't know—"

"Yes I do, Bree!" she cried out desperately. She just didn't understand why her best friend insisted on going down the same road she'd seen the redhead travel when they were younger. "Or do you not see this scar on my neck?" she said pointing to her neck. she lifted her shirt, revealing her abdomen. "Or what about this one?" she asked pointing to the large keloid-like scar a few inches left of her bellybutton.

Aubrey averted her eyes, unable to look at the reminders of the hell her best friend went through in high school. Looking everywhere but at Chloe, she flinched when the redhead reached out and placed a comforting hand on her arm.

Aubrey finally met the gaze of her best friend, her watery eyes giving away the turmoil of emotions swirling within her.

"I—I can't leave her." She said, sitting dejectedly on Chloe's bed.

"Why not?"

Aubrey looked up from where she was nervously fumbling with her hands and shrugged, "Be—because I'm…I'm afraid of what she'll do if I leave." And it was true. She knew that if she dared to break up with Charlie she'd probably suffer a fate worse than she'd suffered the night before.

Chloe frowned sadly at her best friend and walked over to her bed. She placed a comforting arm around the blonde, allowing Aubrey to cry on her shoulder. "If you could find a safe way to do so, would you leave her?"

Aubrey didn't answer right away and the next few minutes were filled with the quiet sobs of the blonde. "I love her, Chloe," she answered after sometime.

Chloe sighed, "I know, Bree." She looked down at the crying girl on her shoulder, "And it doesn't mean you love her any less if you choose to end things. You have to think of your safety first, Bree. And you're _not_ safe with her."

Aubrey's tears began to fall faster this time and she let out a loud sob, burying her face in Chloe's neck as she cried a bit harder. After a few moments in silence she mumbled, "If there was a way, I would leave her."

Chloe tightened her hold around her and kisses the crown of her head. "Well then I'll try my hardest to make sure you can safely end this. You're not in this alone, Bree. I'll always be here."

Aubrey tightened her arms around Chloe, "Do you promise?"

With a smile, Chloe nodded. "Yes. Always."

_And I can't stand the pain  
And I can't make it go away  
No, I can't stand the pain_

Beca's hands clutched at the porcelain sink as she stared at her reflection. "It's just a game Beca. You've played hundreds before just like it," she said to her reflection trying to calm her nerves. Pregame jitters was something she hadn't experienced since she was nine years old and she felt foolish standing in the bathroom trying to push down the nervousness. Glancing at her reflection, her eyes scanned over the two kelly green zeros emblazoned on her white jersey. Something so familiar that felt so foreign. It was almost like the Rebecca that had previously worn this number was someone from a different lifetime.

With a sigh, she stepped back from the sink and looked down at her uniform to make sure she'd tucked in her jersey. She fumbled with the knot of the strong on her shorts as she tried to loosen so that she could retie it tighter.

_Beca stood helpless in the empty bathroom. She was trapped between the sink and the women on her knees before her as Julia fumbled with the knot of the string holding her shorts on her waist. _

"_Stop, Julia. I don't want to do this." She reached down to try and grab the older woman's hands but Julia slapped them away and continued loosening the knot of the drawstring of her shorts. "Someone could catch us." She added, trying to reason with the older woman wanting her to just leave her alone. How could she be so stupid as to venture to the bathroom alone knowing there was a risk of Julia following her? _

_Julia looked up at the thirteen year old through dilated brown eyes and bit her lip as she finally undid the last loop holding the knot together. "I don't care." She said lustfully, pulling down Beca's shorts and underwear roughly. Her hands gripped Beca's waist and she pulled her closer to her face, "We only have a few minutes before the game but I _**need**_ you."_

Inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale. Beca's eyes were squeezed so tight she feared she'd damage her eyes balls with all of the pressure she was putting on them. She tried to focus on something else. Anything else. 'one…two…three…" she slowly said each number, taking a deep breath with each as she tried to push the darkness away. "They're counting on you to be 100%. Get it together Rebeca."

With a deep breath she exhaled the air in her lungs slowly and reached down to grab her gym bag off the floor. 'As long as nothing triggers a flashback I'll be ok' she thought to herself as she exited the bathroom.

"Hey, Beca. I was just coming to find you."

Beca looked up and smiled softly at the blonde coming down the hallway. "Did you need something, Jess?"

"I just wanted to let you know that they started the clock. Fifteen minutes until your first college game. Are you excited?"

Beca smirked at Jessica as they walked down the hallway that led them to the gym. "I guess. I just—I'm a little nervous but I'll get over it." she said, trying to brush off her anxiety. Jessica, however, wasn't going to let it rest.

"Beca you have no reason to be nervous. You're like the best player on the team."

"I don't know about that."

"Oh c'mon Beca. You're awesome, I'm not even joking."

Beca shook her head knowing she was going to lose the argument if she continued.

"Beca, can I see you in my office for a moment." Coach Abernathy called from her office as the two girls passed.

Stopping in front of the coach's office Beca gestured to the door. "So I'll see you out there?"

Jessica nodded, turning and letting her crutches carry her in the direction of the gym. With a sigh Beca walked into the small room and stood by the door. Gail looked up at her and smiled.

"Can you close the door? I would hate for a 'lost' Talbot player to stumble upon our conversation."

Beca hesitated but eventually complied. She closed the door and stood next to it in case she needed to make a quick escape.

"So I was looking over the play book and I—" Gail looked up and frowned in confusion. "Beca why are you standing?. Take a seat."

Beca shook her head firmly, "No, I'd rather not."

Gail laughed waving her hand at Beca's silliness—well, what she viewed as silliness. Beca was serious in her assertion that she wasn't going to move from near the door. If coach looked at her weird because of it she didn't care. Experience told her this was the safest place to be in such a small isolated place without anyone to hear her in case she needed help.

"Beca, please take a seat. We have a few things to talk about and it'll be hard to do that with you standing so far away."

Beca's eyes closed as she tried to even her breathing. She didn't mean to sound so venomous but it was too late to stop it. "I do not want to sit down."

Coach Abernathy looked at her, taken aback by the serious tone. Wanting to avoid another scene like the one in the gym the week prior, she opened the green playbook on her desk she nodded. Beca listened to Gail as she began to review the plays she wanted Beca to run but her mind began to wonder and before she knew it she was pulled into that ominous darkness that was all too familiar but completely unwanted.

_"Yes Ms. Julia?" Beca asked, stepping into the older woman's office. Julia looked up from the IMac in front of her to the 9 year old standing in front of her desk. She smiled at her as she stood and walked around her desk. _

"_Take a seat, Rebecca," she instructed as she walked past the little girl to shut and lock the door. Beca watched as the older woman walked back over to her, moving her feet so that Julia could cross in front of her. Julia placed her hands on the desk behind her, sitting slightly on its edge and she and the ten year old made eye contact, staring intently at the other. Beca broke first, a toothy grin spreading across her face, causing Julia to follow in laughter. _

"_Have you spoken to your mother?" she asked, reaching out to touch the necklace around the little girl's neck. _

_Beca shook her head sadly. "No. she didn't come home last night but that's ok. She usually goes away for a long time." She looked down, her eyes furrowing in thought as if she'd just remembered something. "Ms. Julia?"_

"_Yes, sweetie?"_

"_When my mom comes back from her vacations she always makes us pack up and move away. I don't want to move anymore. Can you talk to her and ask her if I can stay?"_

_Julia nodded her head, "Of course honey. I'm never going to let anyone take you away. Not even your mother."_

_Beca smiled brightly. "Ok. Because I really like it here. I like playing basketball here and going to movies with you and I like all of my friends at school."_

"_I'm glad. I can see how happy you were out there. You did really well today, sweetie."_

_Beca nodded. "I didn't think I would be able to do that stutter step you taught us last time but I practiced. Did I do it ok?" _

_Julia smiled softly at her, her hand reaching out to wipe away the stray sweaty locks sticking to Beca's forehead, before it traveled down to cup her chin. "My beautiful blackbird." She whispered lightly. Beca shivered slightly at the feeling of Julia's thumb rubbing the jowl of her face. "You did better than ok. And I can see you've studied the plays. They ran seamlessly. I knew you'd make an excellent point guard."_

_Beca beamed at the compliment but as she looked at Julia, she sensed something was off. She seemed to be sad about something. She wondered if it had anything to do with the game they played over the weekend—she actually stayed awake this time to play. It was a weird game, if she was being honest. None of the other games she ever played involved taking your clothes off but Julia seemed to like it and she had been so nice to Beca thus far, buying her clothes and stuff, that she'd keep playing it to make her happy. Maybe if she told Julia she liked it, it would stop her from being sad. "Ms. Julia, the game we played on Saturday was fun." _

_The older woman looked up from where she'd been staring at the floor in thought, "Really. You're not mad at me?" _

_Beca was confused. Was she supposed to be mad? "No." _

_Julia stared at her, a bright smile crossing her face as she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. "You know you're really special, blackbird? I don't play that game with many people." _

_Beca was confused further but didn't say anything. She figured this was one of those things she probably wouldn't understand because she was so little. Maybe when she became a teenager like Emma she would understand. _

"_Would you like to play the game again?" Julia asked, her voice suddenly a bit hoarse, kinda like it was on Saturday. Beca looked up at the older woman and shrugged. She didn't particularly like the game, like when Julia made her sit on top of her and pretend to be a cowgirl like Jesse, her favorite character from Toy Story Two. She got this really funny feeling in her stomach that made her feel like she had to pee. She felt really weird and wanted to stop but Julia said it was ok and to keep going. And she did and afterwards Julia became really happy and said she was proud of Beca. Her mom _**never**_ said that to her and it made her feel special hearing someone as nice and beautiful and smart as Julia say it. Maybe if she said yes to playing the game again Julia would be even more proud of her and let her come live with her and take her away from her mom at home. _

"_Ok." she said. _

_Julia smiled brightly. Her hands traveled down to her red shirt and began to unbutton it. Beca watched her as she, button by button, revealed the emerald bra underneath. Beca thought it was funny. Her friend, Peter, said boobies were weird and she had to agree. She watched as Julia stood up straighter and unzipped the metal zipper on the side of her skirt as she made her way over to the fainting couch situated in the corner of her office. "Be a good girl and come here, blackbird."_

"Do you understand Beca?"Coach Abernathy asked. Beca nodded numbly and turned, pulling the door open. The warning buzzard sounded and Beca sighed. She had five minutes to push away this darkness but as history told, she'd fail. Oh how she'd fail.

_How could this happen to me?  
I made my mistakes  
Got nowhere to run  
The night goes on  
As I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me?_

Aubrey and Stacie stood at the water cooler filling their water bottles. There was three minutes left until the jump ball and the excitement of the first home game was radiating throughout everyone—team and fans alike. Everyone except Beca who sat in one of the green cushioned chairs staring blankly at the floor.

Stacie gestured to Beca "Beca's having one of her episodes again."

Aubrey turned to see what she was referring to. "What do you mean by that?"

Stacie chuckled, "People say you're self-absorbed, but damn Aubrey you don't have to prove them right. Beca has these episodes where she just becomes this blank mannequin. She's still there but she's not _there,_ if you know what I mean."

Aubrey looked over at the small point guard and studied how she seemed to be blind to what was going on around her. Benji, in a suit of armor and green cape, tried to grab her attention, poking her with the plastic sword in his hand, but she didn't react. She just continued to stare out into space.

"Dissociation," Aubrey murmured to herself as she tried to think of the signs she'd read about in class. They'd studied dissociation and dissociative disorders in class the month before and if she remembered correctly, dissociation was what she was seeing happening to Beca.

She looked back at Stacie, "I'll be back."

With a glance at the clock the big board counted down quickly from twenty. She knew she had to act fast as she sat down in the seat next to the brunette. Grabbing the blue water bottle from by Beca's feet she held it to the brunette's mouth and told her to drink. Beca's eyes didn't connect with hers but a small hand held the water bottle and lifted it to her mouth. Aubrey knew she was still detached and was only performing the movement through motor memory but it was a start. She moved to grab the rubber band from her hair knowing sometimes something as extreme as pain would bring her back but stopped when Beca blinked.

"Are you back with me, Beca?" she asked lightly.

Beca looked at her as if seeing her for the first time and frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Beca, I'm not going to hurt you. I know that you—"

Beca shook her head and stood up suddenly. Grabbing her water bottle she narrowed her eyes at Aubrey in anger. "You don't know anything. So just leave me alone."

Aubrey watched helpless as Beca walked away and sat on the opposite side of the bench. Before she could get up and follow, the buzzard sounded letting her know the game was to begin. Sighing in frustration, Aubrey picked up her own water bottle. Hopefully Beca's problem, whatever it was, was handled for now. She didn't need her dissociating in the game. She might have seen a chink in the emotional and mental armor Beca wore but she'd be damned if she'd sacrifice the game for her. Selfish, she knew, but Aubrey didn't get as far as she did by being sympathetic to others.

'And maybe that's the problem.' She thought as she stood to join the rest of the team.

_Everybody's screaming  
I try to make a sound but noone hears me  
I'm slipping off the edge  
I'm hanging by a thread  
I wanna start this over again_

"And now let's meet the starting lineups for Talbot University and Barden University. At guard for Talbot, a 5'7 senior from Oakland, California. Number 13, Rosemarie Baldwin…At guard for Barden, a 5'8 senior from Raleigh, North Carolina. Number 24, Aubrey Posen." The announcer stated, a bit more enthusiastic as he said Aubrey's name. Aubrey stood up, slapping the hands of each of her team mates before running to the center to shake hands with the guard from Talbot. She jogged over to the left side of the court to await the rest of the starters.

"At guard for Talbot a 5'11 sophomore from Laredo, Texas, Number 15, Lauren Strickland." Beca watched the Talbot guard stand and run through the procession of her team mates before jogging to the foul line to wait. She thought she was kinda tall to be a guard, but, hey, she wasn't their coach.

"And at guard for Barden, a 5'7 junior from Raleigh, North Carolina. Number 3, Chloe Beale."  
Beca couldn't help but smile at seeing Chloe jump up like a kindergartener on the first day of school and run through the line slapping each of their hands with childlike glee. Chloe ran over to the Talbot player, Lauren, and shook her hand before turning and running over to Aubrey.

"At guard for Talbot, a 5'7 senior from South Orange, New Jersey. Number 2, Kristina Sherman…And at guard for Barden, a 5'5 sophomore from Anchorage, Alaska. Number 4, Lily Onakurama."

Lily stood up and she said something as she scurried through the line but as per usual, no one heard her. Beca doubted even if the gym were empty and devoid of all of the cheers from the fans that anyone would still be able to discern what she said.

Fat Amy leaned over and whispered to Beca, "Oh here's the Brazilian beauty. Try not to get distracted by her charm."

Beca looked at her, "What are you talking about?"

"Lesbihonest. She's hot, you dig chicks. Do I have to spell it out?"

Beca sighed, shaking her head at Fat Amy. She wasn't even going to dignify that with a response. Turning her head to focus back on the lineups she watched as the announcer called for the next Talbot player. "At center for Talbot, a 6'1 junior from São Paulo, Brazil. Number 1, Isabella Freire Almeida." Beca watched as a tall brunette stood and jog to the center of the court and Beca's eyebrows raised in surprise. Fat Amy did have a point.

Ok, wait. Now wasn't the time to be checking out the competition. With an eye roll she told Fat Amy to shut up when she heard her chuckle.

"At center for Barden, a 6'0 sophomore from Long Beach, California. Number 15, Stacie Conrad!" Stacie stood up as the announcer called her name, and she walked through the line with a determined countenance. Beca admired how well she managed to compartmentalize and block everything from her mind during a game. She knew that for the next two hours Stacie would only breathe basketball.

"At Forward for Talbot, a 5' 11 freshman from Phoenix, Arizona. Number 23, Kai Underwood."

Cynthia rose clapped her hands rhythmically to get her team riled up as she was announced.  
"At forward for Barden, a 5'9 sophomore from Montgomery, Alabama. Number 20, Cynthia Rose Adams."

Cynthia Rose jumped up, "Let's get this W, ladies!" she cheered as she slapped the hands of the girls. All of the girls gathered near the sideline as the coaches were introduced.

"And introducing the head coaches. For Talbot, Jeremiah Myers…and for Barden, Gail Abernathy-McKadden."

Abernathy quickly made her way over to shake the hand of the Talbot coach before quickly making her way back over to her team.

As Abernathy went over last minute instructions with the team the announcers commentated, getting the fans and viewers at home excited for the game. John smith, retired Tennessee University head coach, sat behind the announcers' table with his assistant, Annie Walker, and the topic of their conversation was none other than Beca Mitchell.

"Annie, I don't know if you recognize her but sitting on Barden's bench is Rebeca Mitchell from New York's four time state champions and two time national champions, Roosevelt high school."

"Yes I see. For those of you watching at home, in case you don't recognize the name Rebeca Mitchell, she was considered the most sought after point guard in the country her senior year of high school."

"That's correct, Annie. And like any fool, she turned down offers from Tennessee, Notre dame, and reigning NCAA champions, UConn. There has never been worse decision making since my mother took thalidomide for a stomach ache."

"Well john, I think with anyone that has fallen from grace, we all await to see if she will rise from the ashes like a phoenix or forever be considered a has-been."

"Yes, Annie and you would know all about that. Has-beens, I mean, considering you were a starter for which team?"

"Mountainside County College, John."

"Ah, that's right. I still wonder if you're even qualified to do this job."

"Who knows John? Who knows?"

"I say the executives' laps that you warmed knows. That's who."

As the two commentators continued their conversation riddled with dual meanings and sexually charged double-entendres, Gail provided last minute encouragement to her girls. "Alright ladies, this is it. Our inaugural game. This will set the precedent for the rest of the season. We've practiced for weeks and it's all going to pay off today. Now this is a running team and we're going to run with them. They're fast but we're faster. Aubrey I want you to take lead point and when you get the chance shoot the damn ball." Gail said eyeing her senior captain. "Stacie, CR, you guys know what you have to do. No one gets in the paint. _No one_. And if they do, they better not go for a layup without trouble. Understand?" The center and the forward nodded their heads. "Good. This game shouldn't be difficult. They're a young team and if we play the game we know the win is ours. Now hands in."

All of the girls placed their hands in the center, excitement filling the circle. "Barden on three. One…two...three…"

"Barden!"

The starting five walked on to the court: Aubrey, Chloe, Lily, Cynthia Rose, and Stacie. Beca took the seat next to Fat Amy—the sixth man off the bench—and watched Stacie walk to the center of the court for the jump ball. The rest of the team got in position and the referee walked between Stacie and the Talbot player with the Wilson basketball. Blowing the whistle nestled between his teeth, he instructed the players to keep the game clean and threw the ball into the air.

Stacie jumped up and managed to get her hand on the ball before the Talbot player, hitting it straight into Chloe's hands. The redhead bounce passed it to Aubrey and the team ran down court to set up.

Beca nodded her head, she could do this. It was like any other game. Bounce, pass, shoot. Simple enough. She just had to remember how it felt to play before everything happened to make her hate the game. To think back to a time when nothing else mattered but going out there and having fun. If she could find that, the little remnant remaining of innocent little Beca inside of her, she'd be fine. Now all she had to do was wait to be substituted in.

_So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered  
And I can't explain what happened  
And I can't erase the things that I've done  
No, I can't_

Beca never truly new the limit of her own personal self-restraint until now, when she was forced to sit on the sideline and watch as Barden played in what could be a much closer game, if it weren't for Aubrey's insistence on running and forcing the same three plays over and over again. Beca understood, she was the newcomer and she didn't expect to start right away or even be the sixth man off the bench, but come on!

She could see Abernathy getting frustrated as the ball was stolen yet again because once again Aubrey's eyes gave away which direction she was passing.

"Beca, take out Lily. On defense, tell Chloe to take Lily's man and I want you to take number 3."

Beca nodded as she went to the score table to notifying them of the substitution. She knelt down as she watched what happened on the floor waiting for the dead ball so that the ref could bring her in. Luckily for them, Chloe was fouled going for a layup. Everyone set up for her to take her shots and after making the first, the buzzard sounded and Beca was brought in. Calling out Lilly's name, Beca took her spot at half court as Chloe set up for her second shot. Eying the center and forward for the opposing team as Chloe's shot bounced off the rim, the center for Talbot, number 1, quickly rebounded the ball and spun on her pivot to look for the guard who waited a bit outside the three point line. Beca quickly ran and jumped up to catch the ball that surely was out of reach otherwise. With a quick, and somewhat risky, pass across the paint, Stacie caught the ball and quickly put up for an easy two points.

Beca could hear Abernathy shouting good job and to get back on defense, but of course she didn't need to be told that. This wasn't her first time on the court and after the feeling of being in her first game in nearly two years being rejuvenated, she knew it wouldn't be her last.

With two minutes left in the half, Beca knew she wanted to get at least one more basket in before the half ended to at least bring the score gap down to ten.

The guard for Talbot brought the ball down, as she called for a play and after a few quick passes and a really good attempt by Cynthia Rose to block, they scored another two.

It was Barden's ball and Beca waited for Aubrey to bring the ball down, not at all surprised as she called for the setup to "Five-high."

"Five High!" The senior captain yelled before dribbling slightly left to pass the ball off to Chloe. The play was simple and Beca knew that simple worked when done correctly but Aubrey gave away the play each time she looked over in Chloe's direction and any good defender could read what direction the ball was going in order to steal.

This was the case. She was going to pass it to Chloe and Beca could see the defender at the foul line waiting to jump to steal. Beca couldn't let them get another basket. So, when the ball left Aubrey's hand, Beca had to be twice as fast to jump up to steal the ball before the defender for Talbot could.

Aubrey looked at her in confusion as she dribbled the ball to the top of the key and called for "Boston." Luckily, everyone was quick to drop into their positions and they scored easily, with Aubrey standing by not at all pleased with Beca's insistence on taking over as lead point. After Chloe scored the three pointer, Aubrey looked over at Coach Abernathy who told her to just drop back into Beca's spot. This is where she'd stay for the rest of the game with Beca running lead point guard, leading the team to a victory, 63-60, with Beca making the final basket.

As was Abernathy's rules, after the gym was cleared out, the girls had to stick around to put up the chairs and water coolers. Soemthing about building character.

"Aubrey, we won. Why are you so upset?" Chloe asked as she folded another chair and brought it over to the hanger.

Aubrey grumbled, "Because, Beca completely decided on her own to take over. She forced everyone to adjust on the spot to her changes, running plays that she didn't even clear with Coach Abernathy first."

Beca who'd had walked by to place a chair on the hanger next to where the two seniors stood, stepped closer, "Do you have a problem with me, Aubrey?"

Aubrey turned around, anger etched into her features, "Yes I have a problem with you Beca. You're arrogant, you're disrespectful and you think things will be handed to you without work because of what you may or may not have done in high school."

Beca looked at the senior in disbelief. "Is this about the game? We would have been _killed_ if I didn't step up."

Aubrey stepped closer, a condescending finger poking Beca in the chest. "What makes you think you're the one to judge the ability of this team?"

"It's not about judging anyone's talent, it's about knowing that we aren't going to win with you being so afraid to play the damn game. You're so afraid of messing up that you're ruining everyone else's chances of actually seeing more than five wins this season. Newsflash Aubrey, people miss shots all the time. Get over yourself!"

The two were mere inches apart, anger radiating from both women now. Aubrey, in an attempt to get the younger brunette away from her, pushed Beca, causing her to stumble back and trip over the chair behind her.

The rest of the team stared on unsure of what would happen.

Beca flung herself from the floor in a flash and jumped on Aubrey, bringing her to the floor. Sitting up to straddle Aubrey in a fit of rage, she threw a right punch that grazed the right side of Aubrey's head, but the senior captain retaliated with a right punch of her own that bounced off Beca's shoulder.

Everyone knew this fight had been in the building stage for the past few months and now that it was actually happening, they were stunned for a few minutes. Even Chloe stood in shock watching as the two girls threw punches left and right, before she came to her sense and called for everyone to help tear them apart. Aubrey laid under Beca too exhausted to block the punches coming down on her still healing face and she could only whimper, "Stop, Charlie. Please!"

Beca hands stuttered in their movement at Aubrey's admission and unfortunately for her, Aubrey's hand came up to slap her. The brunette realized Aubrey wasn't aware of her Freudian slip and the anger came back.

Fat Amy walked over and scooped up Beca from atop Aubrey and carried her way from where CR held back Aubrey. Fortunately, both girls were successful in holding back the two furious women in their attempts to get at the other. Unfortunately, just as they were being pulled apart from each other, Coach Abernathy walked into the gym

"What the hell is going on here?" No one had ever heard her swear, so they knew she was angry. Everyone stood silent until Cynthia Rose said, "It's nothing. Just a misunderstanding. We can take care of it."

Gail walked closer, her arms crossed in front of her as she looked between Aubrey and Beca angrily. "If you were taking care of it then these two wouldn't be fighting? Now would they?"

There was silence. Even Beca and Aubrey were quiet as they watched on to see what the older woman would do. Everyone watched as she made eye contact with every player forcing them all to look away from her scornful glare. She left Aubrey and Beca for last.

"After the game it seems you two have a lot of excess energy. I guess you weren't playing hard enough out there. Let's go you two. I think you two should run a little bit more. Perhaps a few dozen suicides will help you exert all of that energy."

Everyone else knew it was time to leave so they quickly finished putting up the chairs before they made their way to the locker room.

Abernathy looked at her two guards. "Practice gym in fifteen minutes."

_How could this happen to me?  
I made my mistakes  
Got nowhere to run  
The night goes on  
As I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me?_


	11. Chapter 10

_Dear Aubrey,_

_Why do you hate me so much? Ever since that day I walked into the gym, no scratch that, since the day back in the administration building when I embarrassed Charlie, there's been this look of pure hate radiating from you every time your eyes met mine. I want to know why. What have I ever done to you that you must give me a hard time? I hope it's not about some fear you have that I'll take your spot on the team. Trust me, I've been point guard before and I'll never put myself in that position again. You don't have to worry about that._

Abernathy waited until the last girl left before blowing her whistle and instructing the two to begin running. Both were exhausted from the game but they knew better than to half-ass the run because Coach Abernathy would make them start over. Fortunately, the fight had boasted their energy levels a bit so the first five minutes they ran without any problems, but from there, the pace slowed considerably.

Gail made them run for ten minutes straight before blowing her whistle and allowing them to have a water break. It had been a number of years since the trainer had seen Gail have to use this punishment on a player but she knew the routine. They had a prearranged signal set up so that when the player or players had gone as far as they could the trainer would signal her and she would end that part of the punishment.

After two minutes of both girls trying to stretch the break, the whistle was blown and they were forced to resume running. Beca felt as her legs were going to give out but she refused to let Aubrey beat her, even in what was supposed to be a punishment.

Foul line, baseline, half court, baseline. A continuous marathon of running, line after line, lap after lap. Oxygen in, carbon dioxide out. It wasn't fair that she was being made to run these lines. She wasn't the one that almost lost the game. It was all that bitch Aubrey's fault. God, why'd she have to be so stubborn? And then she had the nerve to push her and everyone knew how Beca reacted to being touched. It wasn't her fault that she jumped on the blonde. It was almost instinctual at this point to attack first and ask questions later.

Taking in another gulp of air, Beca bent over to touch the baseline before turning to make her way to the one from which she started. Soon after, the lines started to blur and she was running instinctively, touching lines when she came to them.

_How could she be so stupid? She knew there was a high chance Julia was on chaperone duty in the cafeteria and yet she still let Madison kiss her. It was innocent, only a light peck on the cheek in gratitude for saving her a seat in the crowded cafeteria. When the other girl's lips met her cheek, she couldn't help the blush that spread across her face because for weeks she'd been agonizing over whether or not she was imagining the affection Madison showed her. However, when she looked up her eyes immediately met Julia's and the angry glare directed at them told her she was in trouble. She was regularly sharing Julia's bed and she knew the older woman wouldn't appreciate someone else touching what she considered to be 'hers.' _

_But just for a moment, she didn't care. She had someone she might have liked who liked her back. But now, in the gym two hours after practice ended, she laid on the floor, out of breath, wishing she'd been more careful. Julia had forever laid claim to her and she was to stupid think she'd ever escape. _

"_Are you tired, honey?" Julia asked, her voice dripping with mocking disdain._

_Beca looked up through hooded eyes, the waterfall of sweat stinging her eyes and making it hard to see. Her body desperately took in air and the need for oxygen thwarted her ability to answer the older woman. With a head nod, she sat back on the heels of her feet, having gotten on the floor after her legs gave out._

_There was no assistant coach here to tell her that Beca couldn't go on. No one to stop her, only coach Matthews and her jealousy. The older woman knelt down beside the panting 14 year old, her hands running affectionately over Beca's forehead to wipe the sweaty hair out of her face. "Ok, you can stop." _

_But when Beca went to move, Coach Matthews grabbed her chin forcefully, compelling Beca to look at her. "Did you have sex with that Madison girl?"_

"_No!" Beca cried out. _

Aubrey had seen Beca collapse and hadn't thought anything of it but on her trip back to the baseline she could hear Beca's sobs as she whimpered something she couldn't decipher from her position on the other side of the gym. She slowly approached Beca, calling to her lightly but the brunette didn't give any indication that she'd heard her. She only continued to sob from her position on the floor.

"Beca…Beca are you alright?"

Beca could hear Aubrey's voice but it sounded so far away. She tried to run towards the voice which she knew laid on the other side of this darkness but she couldn't. She was drowning and there was nothing she could do.

_Julia glared at her as she asked venomously, "Do you _**want**_ to have sex with her?" _

"_No!" Beca couldn't understand why she was being subjected to this line of questioning. Didn't Julia realize if it were up to her she'd never have sex with _**anyone**_? Julia had ruined any possible enjoyment the act could ever bring her. Now she only viewed it as a chore. A dirty act that soiled anyone that engaged in it. _

"_Then why did I see her filthy lips on you?" _

"_She was just thanking me for saving her a seat." Beca cried desperately trying to keep eye contact with the older woman to prove her honesty despite how much her eyes burned. _

_Julia leaned forward, her grip on Beca's chin tightened making the teen flinch. Beca tried not to pull back when Julia's lips met hers and she wasn't surprised when Julia's tongue swept across her lips asking for permission to enter. It was the sharp pain from Julia biting her lip roughly that she wasn't prepared for. Julia pulled back slightly and said angrily, "Are you lying to me, Rebeca?"_

"_No." Beca answered in exhaustion. At this point she was afraid nothing that she did would convince the older woman and she would be subjected to months of "making it up to her," the same way she had to years before. After that ordeal she had learned the hard way to never cross the older woman again. _

_Julia studied her a few seconds more before standing and walking away. "I'll be waiting in the car."_

_Beca watched her leave the gym before she broke down crying, falling over onto the hardwood floor. "I didn't sleep with her…I didn't sleep with her."_

Aubrey knelt next to her, very concerned at the sight of Beca cradling her head between her hands as she cried. She placed a tentative hand on Beca's shoulder, not wanting to startle her.

"I didn't do it. I swear." Beca cried out as her eyes contracted and she took a deep breath. Pulling out of the darkness was always like this but it didn't make it any easier.

Blinking several times to take in her surroundings, she remembered she was supposed to be in the gym running suicides and for the first time she realized that someone was next to her.

"Beca, are you ok?" Aubrey asked, worry written all across her face.

Beca shrugged out of her touch and scowled at her. "Get the fuck away from me." She spewed before standing back up and resuming her running as if nothing happened. She didn't mean to sound so harsh when it was obvious that Aubrey was genuinely concerned but she needed to be alone and the sooner she finished this punishment, the sooner she get to her gym bag and take the edge off.

Aubrey watched the small brunette. If Beca didn't want to share she couldn't force her. After all, there were plenty of things she didn't want to talk about either. She sighed as she stood and resumed running as well.

_You stole my life - you've taken everything  
Left me here to die  
You wonder why - I wish you'd suffocate  
And kiss your ass goodnight_

They ran in silence for the next hour and were grateful when the gym door opened and Coach Abernathy walked in.

"That's enough ladies."

Both girls sighed in relief at the sound of Abernathy's whistle. The older woman approached the two, a frown still adorning her face, "I will not tolerate fighting on my team. Aubrey, as a captain I'm disappointed in your child like behavior and the same for you Beca. Both of you are suspended next game."

Although it wasn't what either girl wanted to hear, they accepted it without protest, watching as their coach walked out of the gym. Aubrey turned to look back at Beca to make sure she was okay, but the small brunette quickly snatched away from her and grabbed her bag off the bleachers.

"Beca, please wait."

"Fuck off Aubrey." Beca said, taking a sip from her water bottle, the discreetly concealed vodka in her water bottle easing some of the building tension. Quickly sealing the cap, Beca threw her water bottle into her bag and pulled on her sweater.

Despite Aubrey's calls to her to wait, Beca zipped up her sweater and walked out of the gym without even a glance back. With a sigh, Aubrey grabbed her bag and headed to the locker room to shower and change.

Nearly fifteen minutes later, Aubrey was making her way to her car, glad to nearly be at the point where she could crawl in bed and sleep. Fiddling with the heat, she waited for her car to warm up, glancing around to make sure no one was suspicious was hanging around while she was in the parking lot alone.

In her survey of the area, she spotted Beca waiting at the end of the parking lot for what she assumed was the shuttle back to her dorm.

Putting her car in drive and pulling her seatbelt across her chest before locking it, she drove off, stopping in front of the brunette.

She rolled down the passenger seat window and leaned over so that beca could see her, "Get in Freshman."

"No thanks, I'd rather wait." Beca bit back.

Aubrey rolled her eyes, reaching over to hit the button to unlock the doors. "Beca it's freezing. Stop being so damn stubborn and just get in the damn car."

"Less than two hours ago we were trying to tear each other apart and now I'm supposed to get into a car with you like we're best fucking friends? No thanks, I'll pass."

Aubrey gritted her teeth to control her anger. 'Why in the hell did she have to be so damn stubborn?' she thought angrily. Exhaling deeply, she looked back at Beca and forced a smile. "I know that I may have…overreacted but—"

"Overreacted?" Beca scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Ok that's an understatement." She glanced down the road hoping to see the shuttle but the road was still as deserted as it was the last time she checked.

"Just get in the damn car Beca before I drag your cute pint size ass and throw you in the passenger seat."

After some hesitation and a few glances down the road to make sure the bus wasn't coming, Beca sighed and opened the door, sliding into the car. Aubrey put her car in drive and they made their out of the parking lot.

"So you think my ass is cute?" Beca asked breaking the awkward silence between the two.

Aubrey's foot slammed on the brakes propelling both women forward with a great lurch. "I didn't mean—"

"Calm down Aubrey. It was a joke."

The car ride was silent after that, apart from Aubrey making sure Beca lived in BHU. The ringing of Beca's cell phone was the only thing interrupting the silence. She glanced down at her phone, groaning as she read the message.

_Beca are you on your way home soon? We need to talk_

_-Dad_

"Um Aubrey, do you mind taking me to the Ilab."

Aubrey glanced over from the road, "Is there a reason you can't go home?" she tried to act casual and not hint at remembering her two dissociative episodes. She wasn't close to the brunette but it was still something she knew she should handle with care.

"Something like that."

Aubrey didn't say anything, instead turning down the next street. When they pulled up in front of the apartment she shared with Chloe, Beca looked around in confusion. Before she could say anything Aubrey spoke.

"The Ilab closes at 2. So, in a few hours you would be back in the same position. Chloe's probably out with...with that kid Tom but you can hang around here if you want." She almost let slip that Chloe was out with Noah and her family but caught herself just before his name fell from her mouth. She knew it was Chloe's choice of whether or not she was going to tell Beca about the boy in her life.

The two walked inside, Aubrey excusing herself to go and put her bags in her room and to change into something more comfortable.

Beca sat down and after a few minutes Aubrey returned with her computer. Setting up her mac, connecting to the HDMI cable attached to her television, she joined Beca on the couch.

"I hope you don't mind watching this past summer's Olympics. I missed it because of my internship."

"No that's fine. I—I didn't get around to watching it either."

Aubrey nodded and hit play. The two sat in silence watching the recorded video of the first day. When the first game of women's basketball began, USA vs Canada, the two livened up and began to pay more attention to the screen.

"I don't get how she managed to shoot with everyone crashing in on her like that." Aubrey said.

Beca, didn't look over from where her head rested on her hand, her eyes were glued to the screen as she answered, "You need to look for the weakness in the zone defense and when you get into the paint, instead of going for the layup like the post players expect, go for the hook shot."

"Well that wouldn't work for me."

Beca turned to look at Aubrey not really interested in watching the refs review the tapes to try and figure out if the Canadian player had stepped out of bounds. "I've seen the tapes from last year, Aubrey. You've nearly done it before. Maybe not on purpose, but you did it in the game against CLU. Instead of the layup, the Canadian player took the mini jumper but it's the same principle." Beca noticed the slight flinch when Aubrey reached out for the remote to adjust the volume and she could see what appeared to be a small bruise on her wrists, one she was sure she didn't give her in the fight. Maybe it had something to do with the blonde accidently calling her Charlie.

A part of her was pissed that Charlie had dared to hurt Aubrey. The anger at the soccer player Beca knew wasn't from compassion or sympathy for the blonde but more so of watching countless men abuse her mother while coming own from their high.

Charlie didn't have the excuse of drugs to reason away her abusive behavior so that made her even more of a demon in Beca's eyes.

Aubrey rolled her eyes playfully, "Well maybe you can show me if you're so sure."

Beca, despite herself, found herself smiling as she turned back to the screen. "Maybe."

"Were you ever recruited to play?" Aubrey asked after some time.

"Why do you ask?"

Aubrey sighed, reaching out to hit pause on her computer.

"Cut the shit, Beca. You're good, ok? There, I said it." She turned to fully face the brunette, "You're really good and I'm sure tons of schools noticed too."

After a few seconds Beca nodded, her eyes still trained on the television.

"UConn made a pretty good offer and so did Notre Dame State."

Aubrey sat shocked at Beca's revelation. Not so much at the fact that Beca was accepted at those schools, because she wasn't surprised at all. She was telling the truth about Beca being a really good player. What shocked her the most was the fact that Beca had turned down the schools to take a year off, and then decided to play at Barden. Barden was a good school in many regards but not many recruits were clamoring to the school.

"Why didn't you accept their offers?"

Beca glanced over at Aubrey before looking back in front of her. The screen was still paused but it gave her something to focus on to ease the stress of being stared at by the blonde. "I really hate basketball."

"You don't mean that."

Beca finally turned to face her, "Yes I do..." Her hands ran through her hair, their shaking evident to both women.

"For all of the happiness it brought me, so much of the pain in my life is attached to it."

Aubrey didn't say anything, not quite sure what to say. She did know one thing for sure, Chloe was completely right in her assumption that something happened to Beca, something she didn't want to share.

Seeing how much the conversation was affecting the younger woman, Aubrey tried to divert the attention from Beca.

"I was accepted to UConn, as well. Full scholarship. Although, not for basketball."

"Why didn't you accept it?"

"Because it isn't ivy league." Sensing that Beca wanted her to elaborate, Aubrey shrugged sadly, "I'm the youngest of nine, and the rest are all boys. They all went to Ivy League, except my brother Wesley who went to Julliard. They all became lawyers and doctors and businessmen."

"But Barden isn't Ivy League."

Aubrey nodded, "But it has the best prelaw program in the country. Besides, one of my brothers went to Yale and I knew I wouldn't be able to forge my own path in Connecticut."

"That can't be the only reason." Beca said.

Aubrey exhaled deeply as she looked at Beca gauging whether or not she should answer with the truth or lie. "Charlie was accepted here and I—I wanted to follow her."

Beca, couldn't help but think back to the other day, seeing Charlie make out with that swimmer. Completely out of character, Beca felt bad—somewhat—for the older captain who was completely unware of her girlfriend's infidelity. Sensing the blonde's sadness, she decided to change the subject, "So you want to be a lawyer?"

Aubrey gave her a soft smile in gratitude as she shrugged in response to her question. "No but my dad's a lawyer, two of my brothers are lawyers. It only makes sense that I'm a lawyer too. It's what Richard Posen wants."

Beca leaned in as she asked, "And what does _Aubrey_ Posen want?"

Aubrey looked at the freshman, a sad smile gracing her face as she reached over to hit play on her computer, "That doesn't really matter, does it?"

Beca reached out and grabbed Aubrey's hand gently, pushing her long sleeve shirt up lightly as she rubbed her thumb softly along the purple bruise on her wrists.

"Yes it does."

_It's the same old fucking story  
The same old fucking lies  
The same old fucking ending  
With the fucking same good bye_

_I can't believe..._

Aubrey hadn't meant to doze off and didn't realize what she had done until she was opening her eyes hours later. Ungracefully stretching her arms and legs, she sat up and looked over to Beca who was sitting on the opposite end of the couch, her head resting in the arm perched on the edge of the couch as she slept. Aubrey couldn't help the small smile that graced her face as she watched the small brunette sleep.

Once she realized what she was doing she frowned and told herself that she was in a committed relationship with a woman that she loved deeply. She continued to repeat this mantra in her mind as she reached out and cleaned up the dishes from the coffee table in front of her, depositing them into the kitchen sink before returning to the living room to tidy up. She picked up Beca's gym bag to place near the door for when the brunette left and failed to notice the small black hardcover book on top until it fell and hit the hardwood floor. She quickly picked it up to place in the bag but stopped at the drawing on the page.

It was a picture of her.

A very good picture of her. Excellent in fact.

"You're really unguarded when you sleep."

Aubrey jumped, startled at the sudden voice. She looked over and saw Beca sitting up, stretching her arms as she pulled her legs from under her and sat upright.

"Did—did you draw this?"

Beca shrugged, "it's just scribbles." She looked down at her phone to check the time. It was a little after midnight. "I should go. I think my dad got the hint and left."

Aubrey stood up straight and said a little too enthusiastically, "You don't have to. It's not much, but the couch is yours if you want it."

Shaking her head, she stood up and took her drawing pad from Aubrey. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not? It's late and you shouldn't be out walking alone." The excuse sounded even lame to her own ears. Beca literally lived a block away.

"Well, Aubrey, for starters, you hate me."

"I don't hate you, Beca." Aubrey said simply.

Beca's eyebrows narrowed in confusion, "then why are you hell bent on making my life a living hell?"

Aubrey sighed and repeated what she'd said earlier. "I—I don't hate you Beca." And she refused to elaborate. Beca could tell in her stubborn countenance that she wasn't going to be swayed, either.

Rolling her eyes, she flopped down on the couch dramatically to give the impression she was acquiescing but in reality she was glad because she was fucking exhausted. "Ok, but this doesn't mean I like you." She said trying to fight the smirk on her face.

Aubrey chuckled lightly as she retorted, "oh I would never think such a thing." And she walked into the backroom to grab a spare blanket and pillow.

_Now I know that  
I don't belong - I don't care  
You're a scar burned into my skin  
Can't hold on - can't move on  
You're the weight beneath my sin_

Walking around her bed, she connected her phone to the charger, before unlocking it and sending Charlie a quick text. It was unlike the soccer player to not at least text her good night. She hadn't heard from her since that afternoon when she left her to head to the gym.

"_Hey, babe. We won tonight!"_

While she waited for a response she went into the spare bedroom to grab a blanket and pillow for Beca.

Her phone chimed and she smiled softly knowing her girlfriend hadn't forgotten about her. However when she looked at the message she couldn't help the disappointment on her face.

"_Ok." _

God, she hated how Charlie could bring her to tears without the smallest effort. She didn't mean to cry but as time went on the more she began to feel she was giving Charlie all of herself and wasn't getting the same in return. Wiping away the few tears, she pulled herself together and dropped her phone on the bed. She reached into her dresser and grabbed a t-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts before she picked up the spare blanket and pillow and made her way back to the living room where Beca sat.

Hearing her approach, Beca looked up with a small smile and thanked her as she took the blanket from the blonde. Seeing the clothes she looked at her in confusion.

"I figured you didn't want to sleep in your sweaty clothes. I think we're around the same size so it should fit."

"Oh, yeah. I didn't think about that." she said looking down at the sweaty jersey she still wore.

"Well my room is the last one on the left and Chloe's is right across from mine—whenever she decides to come home. If you need anything just let me know."

Beca nodded and moved to remove her uniform.

Aubrey bid her good night and turned to walk back to her room.

"Aubrey?"

"Yeah?"

"I—I don't hate you either."

_You wish I'd die - you don't care how  
And I know you don't care why  
Can't see what you see - I know you're  
Begging me  
Begging me to bleed_

A few hours later when Chloe walked into the apartment she spotted Beca immediately. Aubrey had just gotten out of the shower and was in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea when Chloe walked over to her with a smug grin. Aubrey rolled her eyes as she lifted her mug to take a sip of the hot beverage.

"How did the punishment go?"

Aubrey rolled her eyes." Back breaking as usual. I swear she wanted to kill us." Taking another sip, Aubrey nodded in her direction, "what about you? Noah came to the game with your mom right?"

Chloe nodded and reached out to take Aubrey's mug out of her hand and took a sip. The blonde rolled her eyes as she accepted back her cup.

"How did it go?"

It was really great. I've missed him. With our schedules being so crazy I haven't had much time to spend with him."

The two continued to talk for a few minutes before Aubrey finished up her tea and deposited it into the sink.

Chloe peeked over the couch to Beca's sleeping form and smiled at Aubrey. "She's so adorable. Have you told her you like her yet?"

"I—I do not like her Chloe." Aubrey whispered glancing over to the couch to make sure Beca was still asleep and hadn't overheard Chloe's statement.

"Ok. Whatever you say, Bree."

Aubrey rolled her eyes at the redhead and didn't bother to respond. However, as she passed by the couch on the way to her room and saw Beca clutching one of the throw pillows in her arms as she slept she couldn't help but think Chloe might be right.

_It's the same old fucking story  
The same old fucking lies  
Without the same old ending  
Without the same good byes_

_I can't believe..._


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 **

**I'm Closer to Where I Started**

_Dear Charlie,_

_You're an idiot. _

_I can personally tell you that unconditional, consensual love like that isn't easy to come upon. As much as I may dislike your girlfriend, she loves you and you should cherish her. But you don't. So as it stands, you are an idiot. _

"Have a good night, Austin and try to get some sleep…ok, goodnight." Aubrey removed her headset and hit the 'end' button on the phone pad. That was her last call of the night and she was glad to be heading home after a long day at her internship.

"Hey, Aubrey."

Aubrey turned around and smiled at the other psych major that was taking over for her once her shift ended at midnight. It was a tough job at times, and she was sometimes required to work late nights such as the one her replacement, Jenna, was about to work.

"Hey, how it's going?"

Jenna flopped down in the chair next to her and shrugged. "It's going," she said with a tired smile. "Have there been many calls?"

Aubrey shook her head as she looked down at her call record. They didn't keep track of names, only call times and she counted three calls that she took since her shift began. "No, it's been somewhat slow actually, which is good considering…" she trailed off leaving the subject of their job unsaid.

Jenna chuckled a she pulled out her own call log and set up. "I can take that call while you pack up." She offered, gesturing to the blinking phone with a head nod.

Aubrey swiveled in her chair, turning back to her desk. "No, I can take it. I still have five minutes left anyway and I'd hate for Eugene to catch me trying to leave before twelve."

"Of course. He actually docked my pay for leaving three minutes early. I didn't even know they could do that with work study."

Aubrey nodded in agreement as she put on her headset and hit the answer button.

"Hello. My name is—"

"Uh, h-h-hello. Can you hear me?"

Aubrey sat up instantly in her chair. She recognized that voice. She had just heard that voice this morning, although it was considerably more sober when she last spoke to the brunette.

"Yes I can hear you."

"Oh…ok. Sorry, I think you might have overdone it with the whiskey—wait wait wait—you didn't have whiskey. Right? Fuck I'm shitfaced."

Aubrey chuckled lightly, "That's ok. how about you just take a few seconds to calm down a little bit and we can take this slowly."

"Ha! That's whatshesaid." Came the drunken slur from the other end. "Shit, I'm sorry. I should be serious…My mouth feels like I'm eating cotton…"

"That's ok. Just take your time."

"…is this that hotline? I got the card from—from my friend."

"Yes. This is the Barden crisis hotline, Beca."

"Oh, good…Um, how did you know my—my name?"

Aubrey cursed herself mentally at her slip up. "Um, you told me." She said in a desperate attempt to cover up her mistake.

"Shit, I did? Fuck, I must be really fucked if I can't remember something I told you a few seconds ago."

"Well that's ok." Aubrey said mentally thanking God that Beca didn't catch her lie. "How are you doing? How are you feeling?"

"Like shit." Beca mumbled.

Aubrey put down the pen in her hand and calmed her racing heart as she remembered that just because Beca was on the other line, she still had to remain professional and stick to protocol. Her personal relationship with Beca shouldn't affect how she did her job. "I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want talk about it?"

Beca chuckled lightly, "Well I guess so. That's what I called for right?"

Aubrey could hear a crash on the other end that resembled glass shattering but before she could question it Beca grumbled, "I'm out of booze."

"What made that sound? The glass breaking—what was that?" Aubrey asked, her training kicking in. The sound of glass breaking was something they were taught to look out for because breaking glass usually lead to glass shards which were in turn used as a weapons of self-harm.

"Oh that? I broke the bottle whenithrewit. I—I probably should clean it up so I don't cut myself again."

"You've cut yourself before?"

"yeah. But the last time I cut myself before like that was um…I think was the other day. Yeah, because I remember my foot hurting in the game."

"You played a game with an injured foot?"

"Yeah."

Aubrey held in her sigh as she ran through the events of that night in her mind. Nothing about Beca seemed out of the ordinary. Maybe Beca was just a master of hiding pain she figured since, she, too, was also a master. You didn't date someone like Charlie without learning how to mask agony and pain.

"Why didn't you go to the health center and get it fixed?"

There was silence for a few seconds before Beca's voice came through the phone. "I like feeling the pain. It's—therapeutic."

"Why is it therapeutic, Beca?"

"It just is."

"Do you like hurting yourself?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I deserve it."

"Why do—"

Beca sighed, "Look, I don't want to talk about that. Aren't you supposed to be trying to make me feel better?"

Aubrey nodded her head despite the fact that she knew Beca couldn't see her. Quickly adjusting herself in her seat to a more comfortable position, she took a deep breath before exhaling. "Ok, we don't have to talk about that. How about you tell me what it is you want to talk about."

"…I can't sleep. I just—every time I try and close my eyes I keep having fucking nightmares."

"How long have you had these nightmares, Beca?"

"…shit, I don't know. Maybe two or three years. But they went away after I left home."

"And do you have any idea as to what triggered them again?"

"Yeah, it was fucking basketball. Being forced to play again by my dad and being around those people…I just—I can handle the nightmares. I just down half a bottle of whatever booze I can find and I blackout. But recently…"

Aubrey waited patiently for Beca to continue. A part of her felt guilty for, what she felt was invading Beca's privacy, but she knew Beca called a suicide hotline for a reason and she would never forgive herself if Beca did end up hurting herself and she hadn't done everything in her power to stop her.

"Just take your time Beca. I'll be here when you're ready."

"I know…I just…recently, I've been having nightmares when I'm awake, too. I'll be doing something normal like practicing and then someone'll say something or touch me and it's like I'm living the nightmares and no matter what I do, I can't escape. It feels like I'm suffocating."

"Beca… have you tried seeking help for this because it sounds like you might be experiencing dissociation."

Beca scoffed, "the last thing I need is for doctors trying to get in my head again. I already have my dad in my head with his constant badgering about doing better in school and then there's the captain of the team. Aubrey Fucking Posen. She's always such a bitch to me and I don't think I've done anything to deserve the way she treats me."

Aubrey held her tongue as she allowed Beca to vent. There was plenty of stuff the brunette had done to warrant the blonde's wrath including her actions in the first game but that's neither here nor there. In her momentary lapse into her own mind, she had tuned out Beca. Getting back on track she listened to Beca as she continued to rant about her trying to make sure she hadn't missed anything important aside from Beca calling her an insufferable bitch.

"And I want to hate her. I really do but it's like, I don't know…I just can't…And then the other night when she pushed me, I just lost it."

Aubrey feigned ignorance as she asked, "What do you mean? Did you two have a fight?"

"Yeah…I know I shouldn't have lost my cool like that but I just…I don't know what happened. It was like I _needed _to hurt her."

"Why do you say that?"

"…overcompensating I guess. I…I didn't _want _to hurt her but I _needed_ to. Does that make sense?" Beca chuckled bitterly as she added as an afterthought, "Probably not. I probably sound like an idiot."

"No. you're making perfect sense." She said. Ok, she wasn't being honest when she said she understood. She was completely clueless as to what the brunette meant when she said she didn't want to but needed to fight her.

"Oh. Ok…I just, something about her is different. For some reason, something about her stops me from just saying 'fuck it' and quitting the team. So what if I have to go back to New York…when I was on top of her punching her, I just knew I needed to do it…to hurt her because I don't know…maybe it's a crush but I doubt it. I don't know, because I really _dislike _like her but I don't at the same time. Does that make sense?"

Beca trailed off for a few moments waiting for a response but Aubrey didn't have one. It was a lot to process.

"Are you still there?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm here. You said you were overcompensating. What are you overcompensating for?"

"I don't know and that's what I was trying to figure out. It's probably why I'm piss drunk on the floor in my bathroom…"

"Well tell me what you think might be the reason?"

"…I don't like Aubrey. At least not in _that_ way. But the thought of actually liking her scares the shit out of me…admitting that I like her—that I like girls…I don't want people to think that because I'm gay that I liked what happened to me because I didn't. I fucking _hated _it."

Aubrey's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "What happened to you Beca? What don't you want people to think you—"

"I—I gotta go. Bye."

"Wait, Beca, don't hang—"but the dial tone rang throughout her ear before she could finish and she knew Beca had hung up. Aubrey snatched off her headset in frustration, throwing it down on her desk.

"Rough call?" Jenna asked from her seat.

Aubrey glanced at her but didn't respond. She grabbed her purse from under her seat and stood up. It seemed that the more she learned about the brunette the more confused she became. And unfortunately, based on what Beca said she felt towards the blonde, she knew she'd probably never get any reprieve from her confusion either.

_Is it sick of me  
To need control of you  
Is it sick to make  
You beg the way I do_

"Yeah, can I have a mocha Frappuccino, please?" Beca asked the barista as she stood in the semi crowded campus Starbucks. She ground the heel of her palm into her right eye in an attempt to rub the sleep from her weary eyes. What little sleep she managed to grab hadn't come easily. It had been a long night and she barely got any sleep after drunk dialing a suicide hotline. Something about the girl on the other end of the call—who she realized she didn't know the name of—was comforting despite being a total stranger. Just having someone to listen to her and not judge her or quickly want to send her back to the hospital was such a _departure_ from what she was used to. So after hanging up with the anonymous stranger she regretted not at least getting her name because she doubted if she called back again she would greeted with the same calming voice. A little after dawn her alarm clock pulled her from the edges of sleep and she managed to drag herself out of bed. To make matters worse, she had a test in precalc and she didn't even bother cracking open a textbook. She swore college general education classes were pointless.

She walked up to the register to grab her drink when 'Becky' was called and the cup was in her hand mere seconds before she quickly took a sip. She literally couldn't function without caffeine in the morning. Offering a quick thanks to the barista she made her way out of the café and began her trek up the hill to the physics building where her precalc class was held.

Nearly two hours later she was making her way out of the same building with the knowledge that she had completely failed that test. When she handed in the test she knew there was no use in beating herself up over something she couldn't change. She walked down the steps of the building and began to make her way across campus for her Shakespeare class when she noticed a scene that was becoming all too familiar to her. There stood the diver, Mya, Mia, whatever—she really didn't care—in the arms of none other than Charlie. Beca had to hand it to her, Charlie placed herself in locations she knew Aubrey wasn't. They both knew Aubrey would probably _never_ be on this part of campus as a psych major. The east wing of campus held all of the fine arts buildings.

She was prepared to walk by them and pretend she hadn't seen anything just as she'd done before but a part of her couldn't. Remembering the bruise on Aubrey's wrist, which she knew Charlie put there, her anger was incited once again as if she were still on the couch with Aubrey looking at the evidence of her abuse. Honestly, Beca was never one to concern herself with other people's business, especially someone she didn't particularly like. However, Beca could tell that despite whatever was going on in their relationship, Aubrey did love the soccer player and she didn't deserve what Charlie was doing to her.

With a sigh and a head shake in self-admonishment, she made her way over to where the two stood.

"I don't think your girlfriend would appreciate this wonderful display of affection." She said when she reached the couple.

Charlie turned around with a scowl to see who had the audacity to approach her and when she saw that it was the freshman from the A building and Bumper's party she burst into laughter.

"And what are you going to do? Tell her?"

Beca rolled her eyes, her arms crossing in front of her in annoyance. "And if I did? I doubt she'd let you stick around and brown nose her father into giving you that internship."

The smile on Charlie's face died instantly at the mention of Richard Posen and his firm's internship. Taking a step closer, she stared down at the brunette and said, "Telling Aubrey would be a waste of your time. That bitch is so concerned with not proving her father right about me, that she won't believe you."

The first thought that entered Beca's mind was she didn't like anyone calling Aubrey a bitch but her and the moment she formulated the thought she felt stupid. Aubrey wasn't hers to claim or take possession of. If anything, Charlie had more claim to the blonde than she did. Yet, with that in mind, it made her anger increase tenfold. This was Aubrey's girlfriend and she was treating her with the level of respect someone would afford their enemies.

"Don't call her a bitch."

"Why are you defending her? I know you two fought the other day so don't pretend that you're looking out for her."

"So what if we had a fight? That's between me and her. This, however, is between you and I." she glanced over at the diver who stood awkwardly behind them before meeting Charlie's eyes again. "I saw you with her in her in the bathroom that day. I don't like how you're playing Aubrey for a fool."

Charlie's jaw clenched in anger as she narrowed her eyes in suspicion of the brunette in front of her. "I don't know what you think you saw today or any other day but you better back off and stay away from Aubrey."

"And if I don't?"

Charlie glared at her, "Then I'll make you stay away. And don't think I won't." the soccer player stepped closer, lessening the space between them to mere inches before venomously adding, "If you don't think I'm serious ask Aubrey. She knows exactly what happens when I don't get my way."

Beca was beginning to see red. It was almost as if Charlie was a master at pushing all of the buttons that would set Beca off. It was difficult maintain control but she knows as long as Charlie was all talk and didn't actually touch her, she'd be ok. All she had to do was put some space between them.

"Get out of my face." She seethed.

The smug smirk returned to Charlie's face as she looked down at Beca asking "and if I don't what are you going to do about it?"

Beca closed her eyes and tried to steady her breathing. She clenched and unclenched her fists as she tried to grab hold of her anger. She could hear Charlie laughing at her and that's when she felt it.

Two hands connecting with her chest pushing her backwards. She quickly gained her footing before raising her hand and throwing her fist into Charlie's nose. The soccer player clutched at her nose and Beca took her distraction as an opportunity. Charlie was much taller than her and she knew having her bent over trying to curtail the blood spewing from her nose was something she needed to capitalize on. She quickly lifted her knee and it connected with the soccer player's face again sending her falling to the concrete below. Charlie swept her leg under her, sending Beca to the ground with her and the soccer player grabbed at her collar. Beca could hear the slight rasp of the material ripping but she didn't care as she hit Charlie in the ribs compelling her to release her shirt. In her rage she could faintly hear the diver, Mia, calling for help but Beca was distracted by Charlie's weak attempts to stop her and Beca couldn't help but see the irony. She could beat up on Aubrey but when it came time to fight someone willing to fight back she was a bleeding and feeble mess. Oh well, none of that mattered now. Charlie had poked a sleeping dragon and now she was going to be burned.

"_Hold still, sweetie. I can't clean up the blood if you insist on squirming." Julia's thumb and forefinger tightened around her chin slightly to hold the nine year old's face still as she lightly dabbed at her busted lip with gauze drenched in hydrogen peroxide. _

"_But it burns." Beca whined as she tried to get free of the older woman's grasp. Julia gave her a pointed look to halt her movement before she returned to her task. Beca continued to whimper but remained still until Julia stopped._

"_I'm finished, honey. See, that wasn't so bad."_

_Beca shook her head in disagreement as Julia turned to throw the used gauze and Band-Aid wrappers away in the trash bin on the side of the exam table nestled against the wall in the small nurse's office. _

_Beca looked down at the various colored bandages on her arms before looking at Julia. "I'm gonna have scars on my face and arms, aren't I?" she asked softly, touching the Band-Aid on her right cheek before moving to the one of her forehead. It wasn't that she minded the scars. She was very tomboyish and had her fair share on her legs and knees but the ones on her face are what bothered her. Julia had always said she was beautiful and very special. She was afraid that now the older woman would no longer view her as beautiful. That she'd no longer deem her special. _

_Julia unbuttoned one of the cuffs of her sleeve and rolled back the white fabric until it she reached her forearm. "It's ok. We'll match." _

_Beca looked at the various jagged scars lining the older woman's arms like train tracks. She lightly reached out to touch them, her fingers gently dancing across the pale pink lines. She looked up to meet Julia's eyes. The older woman however was looking down at her own arm with a sad countenance._

"_How did you get those?" she asked._

_Julia, seemingly uncomfortable under Beca's curious gaze, pulled away and rolled back down her sleeve. _

"_It doesn't matter. It happened a long time ago."_

_Quickly buttoning her cuff she turned back to the nine year in front of her. "You need to learn to control your temper, Blackbird. Fortunately, I had a free period and was able to drive down to the school but I really wish I didn't have to."_

_Beca bowed her head in shame as she mumbled an apology. _

"_I'm not angry at you Beca, just really disappointed. You're lucky I was able to talk the principal out of suspending you."_

_Beca pouted as she complained that it wasn't solely her fault. It wasn't. She didn't go picking fights. That idiot boy, Tommy, started it. "Tommy Gibson said that his uncle Mr. Robert called you a pervert." She explained, saying the word as if it were foreign to her ears, which wasn't completely untrue. She had only heard the word used to refer to the bad guys her mom brought home. Her mother would call them perverts whenever they would try and talk to Beca so she guessed it was a word to describe bad people. All of her mother's boyfriends were bad. That she knew. Julia, however, wasn't and it made her angry for Tommy to say otherwise. So she punched him. _

"_Why did he say those things about you?"_

"_Because Tommy doesn't know any better." Julia said tersely as she used an antiseptic wipe to try and scrub the blood out of Beca's t-shirt. _

"_Not Tommy. I mean Mr. Robert. Isn't he your husband? Why would he tell tommy that?"_

_Julia sighed and dropped the damp wipe on the bed next to Beca. Finally looking up to meet the younger girl's curious gaze, she answered, _"Robert doesn't—some people just don't understand our–our relationship."

"_But why?"_

_Julia looked at her sadly and said, "Some people think it's wrong that someone my—my age loves someone as—as young as you."_

_Beca's eyebrows narrowed in confusion as she tried to make sense of what Julia was saying. "Does that mean you can get in trouble?"_

_Julia nodded, "I can get in a lot of trouble, honey. I could go to jail."_

_Beca gasped. She didn't think it was that bad and didn't understand why Julia would go to jail. Maybe this was also one of those things she wouldn't understand because she was so young. Maybe when she was older like Emma, she, too, would understand why people thought their relationship was bad. _

_Julia nodded at the little girl's reaction. She reached out and placed her hands on either side of Beca's face, her thumb caressing the little girl's cheek gently. "That's why you can _**never**_ tell anyone what we do at my house, Rebeca. Do you promise me you'll keep our secret?"_

_Beca looked at the older woman and could see the concern etched across her face. With the serious tone Julia spoke to her she knew she really didn't have a choice but to promise. She didn't want Julia to go to jail, after all, because what would she do then? She knew she wouldn't survive at home with her mother and the revolving door of sleazy men and drug dealers that passed through their house. _

_She nodded her head after some time and smile softly at Julia. "Ok. I promise."_

Beca didn't quite remember how the rest of the fight went. That tended to happen when she was in this 'mood'. She was barely aware when she was being pulled off of Charlie by several people and pulled away from the bloodied girl. She barely put up a fight. They forced her to sit in one of the steel benches, telling her to calm down. As Mia checked on Charlie, Beca could feel the pressure in her head decreasing slightly and the tunneled vision in her eyes was lessening as well. She looked at her bloody knuckles and sighed. She was going to have a difficult time explaining that one to Coach Abernathy. The two guys that pulled her away from Charlie tried to stop her as she walked back over to Charlie but she shrugged out of their hold. She picked up her bag from where it laid discarded on the concrete next to Charlie. The soccer player scowled at her as if expecting her to attack again but Beca simply stood up straight, pulled her bag onto her shoulder and walked away. She _really_ needed a drink.

_Is it sick of me  
To want you crawling on your knees  
Is it sick to say  
I want you biting down on me_

Aubrey sat in the library typing away on her iMac, adding upon and editing the introduction to her paper. Although, she still wasn't quite sure exactly what the subject of her paper would be. She knew the broader topic was PTSD but she had yet to choose a specific topic and more importantly, a living source.

Her friend, Kori, a fellow psych major, had accompanied her on her trip to the library to work on her final paper as well, her topic being borderline personality disorder. Aubrey was slightly envious that Kori had managed to find someone living with the disorder to interview within days of being assigned the paper.

"So, how has practice been going? You haven't complained about that freshman yet so I guess everything is fine?"

Aubrey shrugged not glancing up from her computer. "Everything has been ok. Yesterday Beca and I didn't spend the entire practice fighting over plays."

Kori didn't respond and Aubrey was glad for it. She _really_ needed to concentrate on her paper. However, the silence was shot lived when Kori suddenly asked casually, "You like her, don't you?"

Aubrey rolled her eyes. What was it with everyone thinking she had a crush on Beca?

With an incredulous scoff she looked up at her friend and shook her head. "I _do not_ like Beca. I have a girlfriend, remember?"

"That has nothing to do with liking Beca. I've seen her and she's totally your type."

"And what type is that?"

"Rebellious. Athletic. Someone that doesn't put up with your bullshit."

Aubrey laughed at the ridiculous nature of this conversation. She couldn't believe she was still even entertaining the other girl. "I don't like Beca. She's just a—a friend" She said plainly. She knew any other reaction would only motivate Kori to continue in her teasing. Beca was a friend—somewhat. The other night had established that they could be civil with one another. She might even go as far as saying she enjoyed her company. But liking her? As in romantically. No. she couldn't. She had a girlfriend. A girlfriend that she loved. She loved Charlie.

Kori rolled her eyes but decided to play along with the blonde. "Ok. So if you consider Beca a friend then what changed?"

"I don't understand. Nothing has changed."

"Well for starters, you haven't called her that annoying alt girl. You've actually used her name. You've actually started to humanize her." She said mockingly.

Aubrey rolled her eyes, "Don't try lecturing me on psych 101. I— I just, I've seen cracks in that hard exterior of hers and I—I stopped judging her so harshly."

It was true. Just remembering the phone call she shared with Beca when the brunette called into the crisis hotline, Beca was dealing with something that Aubrey knew resulted in her keeping everyone at arm's length.

"Do you remember what I told you happened before our game the other night?"

Kori shook her head.

"Yeah, well it happened again after the game and when she was in my apartment, she did it again. And the crazy thing is, she's dissociating with small triggers like simple phrases. I just…it's kinda hard to hate someone that's obviously fighting their own personal battles."

"It sounds like you care about her."

Aubrey glared at her, "I don't." In an attempt to change the subject she looked at Kori and asked about the woman she was studying for her paper.

"Oh, Mrs. Kline. Yeah, I'm actually meeting her at Flo's on Tuesday. We've been emailing back and forth and I'm actually really excited to meet her…what about you?"

Aubrey looked down at her notes hopelessly. "I haven't decided. When I asked Dr. Callaghan for a change of topic I didn't think PTSD would be that hard to study if I didn't focus on combat exposure."

Kori looked at her before hesitantly saying, "What about Beca?"

"What about her?"

"Study her." When Aubrey looked up at her in confusion, Kori pointed to the section in her textbook that listed PTSD symptoms. "You told me you think she dissociates when triggered by touches or phrases and what about the way you saw her tossing and turning in her sleep when she slept at her apartment. You thought it was a nightmare with the way she moved. It sounds to me like she has PTSD."

Aubrey looked at her in disbelief. "I doubt it. She's not—I don't think so."

"Why not? From what you're telling me, she is exhibiting all of the behavior. You know, it's not something only soldier's and cops experience."

Aubrey sighed, "I know…"

"Well there you go. She's a living breathing source and you see her every day. You'll be able to study her up close. That's an insight I don't think anyone else will have in their paper, including me."

Aubrey chewed at her bottom lip in worry. "I just…I don't particularly like her, but even she doesn't deserve her privacy being invaded like that. I think—" the sound of her phone vibrating on the table interrupted her. It was an unknown number and she was hesitant to answer it. With a shrug, she hit answer on her phone.

"Hello, this is Aubrey Posen."

Kori watched her friend's face contort from confusion to worry in a matter of seconds as the blonde stood up and began gathering her things.

"What happened? Ok I'm on my way."

_Are you sick like me_

_Am I beautiful  
As I tear you to pieces  
Am I beautiful  
Even at my ugliest, you always say_

Ok, so maybe having a few sips of Absolut knowing she would need to head to practice in a few hours wasn't the smartest idea. She wasn't completely hammered but practice was going to be a challenge. Especially getting through it without anyone knowing she was intoxicated.

So far, no one had noticed. Not even Chloe who didn't understand the term 'boundaries.' She was pretty sure the space between her and the redhead was way below the required distance needed to properly stretch her legs. She finished up with a hamstring stretch before dropping her leg and walking over to the ball rack to shoot around and wait for Coach Abernathy to arrive.

"What the hell, Beca!"

Beca didn't bother turning around to address the irate blonde. She instead looked over at Chloe who was watching her with worry and shrugged in indifference. She knew this was coming and figured if she didn't respond to the blonde and let her yell and scream she would grow tired and leave her alone.

Stacie stepped in the way of their angry captain as she stormed over to the small brunette, "What's wrong, Aubrey?"

"What's wrong? I just came from the emergency room after my girlfriend was taken there for a sprained arm and nose and Beca put her there." She pushed past Stacie and walked over to Beca, forcefully grabbing the ball from her and dropping it.

"_Why_ did you beat up my girlfriend?"

Beca casually picked up the ball and set up for a shot. She shrugged at Aubrey and released the ball, "She— had it coming."

Aubrey opened her mouth to protest but the gym doors opened and she was forced to rein in her anger.

"Alright, girls. Our game went well but obviously there are things that need improving upon." She looked at Beca and Aubrey who was still glaring at the brunette.

"I think that I'm going to do a couple of defensive drills because Talbot got too many easy shots off of us." Coach Abernathy began. She made her way over to the team and motioned for Beca to hand her the ball in her hands. Beca bounce passed the ball to the older woman.

"I think we're going to play a little game. The rules are the game are this: each of you will have a partner, or opponent if you will, that you're going to go 1-on-1 against. The player on offense has the ball and starts at the top of the key. She will try to make a move or shoot the outside shot and score on the defender. However, the defender won't be a sitting duck. She must try and stop the offense, box out if she takes the shot and get the rebound. The offense gets a point if she scores, gets a rebound or if she's fouled by the defender. No second shots are allowed. If the defender gets the rebound, she is now on offense. First to five points wins. There are sixteen of you so we'll do this tournament style. Any questions?"

Stacie raised her hand "What does the winner get?"

Abernathy smiled and said, "The winner will gets the wonderful gift of becoming a better defender." Her grin widened when she heard the team groan. She blew her whistle, "First up, Chloe and Jessica."

That matchup was actually very fun to watch for Beca. The two were both guards and about the same height so it was even matchup. Jessica came out victorious because of near perfect corner shot which was fortunate for her because Chloe was one of the best defenders on the team. Beca surmised if she were taller she could have easily taken Stacie or Cynthia Rose's positions down low under the basket.

Next was Stacie and Fat Amy. Once again it was an even matchup and although Stacie was a solid defender and had her height to her advantage, she lacked what Fat Amy called her "Fat Power." Neither had particularly strong outside shots so the battle of wills was fought under the basket for the rebound. Seeing the way Fat Amy boxed out Stacie with such easy, Beca wished she possed some of that special "power."

The games continued for the rest of practice with Aubrey beating Cynthia Rose, Beca knocking out Lily, Ashley beating Denise and the other freshman, Emily, beating Flo.

When Aubrey and Jessica met to face off, the game was actually quite close with neither girl being able to score on the other. Beca had to hand it to Aubrey, she was a _really_ good defender. Unfortunately, Jessica was still getting use to her knew prosthetic and everyone could see her getting tired. This was how Aubrey was able to get the advantage and eventually win. Jessica shrugged and made her way over to the sideline glad to be able to get a rest.

When Beca realized she was to go against Fat Amy she was slightly nervous she would be unable to box out the Australian. Beca knew she had to be quicker than Fat Amy and her accuracy in her shots had to be perfect. Lucky for her, her plan paid off because she wouldn't be able to box out Fat Amy no matter how hard she tried.

The games continued until there was just two left and Beca cursed under her breath at her luck. Of course she would have to go against Aubrey.

Everyone watched the tense game wearily, afraid it would culminate in another fight. Apart of Beca felt coach Abernathy did this purposely to see if they could constrain themselves. Ten minutes later the girls were tied at three and they needed five in order to win. It was Beca's ball and she quickly crossed over on the blonde and pulled up for the shot, smirking smugly as it slid through the net with ease.

Knowing she was one basket from losing, Aubrey pulled every bit of motivation (and fear of failure) from within to defend Beca. Everywhere the brunette went, she was there. Every time she tried to get open to shoot, Aubrey was there with her hand up. Beca passed the ball between her legs and took a few steps back trying to find an opening. She tried to push past Aubrey but the blonde wouldn't allow it, discreetly holding her jersey to prevent Beca from getting too much distance. She normally wasn't for playing dirty but her father taught her a long time ago, one must do whatever it took to win.

Beca pushed against her to create distance. "Holding is illegal." She seethed angrily.

Aubrey rolled her eyes as she turned to keep her body in front of Beca and keep the brunette from shooting, "So what, if I don't you'll punch me in the face, too?"

"You don't know what you're talking about." Beca said, releasing the ball, immediately running to follow her shot. Aubrey stepped in front of her and immediately pushed her butt into the brunette to keep her from getting the rebound.

"Oh, so explain it to me because what it looks like to me is you attacked my girlfriend without provocation or reason." She sighed as the ball traveled through the hoop, effectively ending the game.

Beca pushed Aubrey away from her and angrily shouted, "Did you ever consider I did it for you!"

"Oh that's nice, you did it for me?" Aubrey asked sarcastically.

Beca rolled her eyes, her hands running through her hair in hesitation, "Yeah, and I'm wondering if I should've even bothered."

She didn't bothering sticking around to see if Aubrey believed her or not. She had better things to do than be subjected to twenty questions by the blonde. Before she could storm off Coach Abernathy told her to wait. "I want you to clean up the inventory closet."

"What! Why?"

"Because you're still being punished for your fight with Aubrey." She held up her hand when she saw Beca about to protest. "Don't worry, you and Aubrey will alternate each night this week for an hour until the closet is cleaned."

_I'm beautiful  
As you tear me to pieces  
You are beautiful  
Even at your ugliest, I always say  
You're beautiful and sick like me_

Beca looked up at the light knock on the door. Seeing Chloe standing in the threshold she smiled softly and returned her attention to the Spalding she was currently inflating.

"What are you doing here? Or are you being punished for something as well?" She asked.

Chloe chuckled and walked into the large storage room taking a seat on a box across from Beca. "No. I just thought I'd come by and see if you needed any help."

Beca reached over to the box on her left and pulled out a deflated basketball and handed it to Chloe. "One never passes up the chance to delegate."

Chloe rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless as she picked up the extra air pump lying on the shelf next to her.

"It's 2015. You'd think there would be machines that do this automatically." Beca grumbled as she tossed the newly inflated ball into a blue bin in the corner.

"Oh there is. Abernathy has it in her office. I'd imagine she's only making you do this _because_ she wants to punish you."

"This is bullshit. The fight wasn't even my fault. Aubrey started it. You all know how I feel about being touched."

"Is that why Charlie was in the hospital this afternoon?"

"That among other things. Like I told Aubrey, she had it coming."

Chloe nodded and tossed the Wilson into the bin before picking up another. "I know why you fought Charlie and I don't blame you."

Beca looked up, her eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights. "I—I wasn't…you don't?"

"No, I don't blame you Beca. She's had it coming for a _very_ long time. Let me guess, you saw her with that bimbo from the dive team and she acted like nothing was wrong?"

Beca sighed in relief as she chuckled lightly, "I just, that cocky grin on her face when I confronted her just made me so fucking angry."

Chloe smirked and pointed at Beca, "What, kinda like yours?"

Beca gasped pretending to be offending by the redhead's comments before they both burst into laughter.

The two continued inflating basketballs before moving on to the other tasks needed to clean the room, all the while sharing small talk over the previous game and their classes.

Beca chewed at her bottom lip nervously before deciding that they had to talk about the elephant in the room. "We never talked about what happened at the party and I—I know I said I'd forget it but I don't think it's fair to you to not at least explain myself."

Chloe reached out and started to touch Beca's hand but stopped herself short of making contact, remembering how Beca felt about being touched. Beca smiled at her appreciatively.

"You don't have to. I'm pretty sure there's a reason and I also think you're entitled to have your privacy. So like I said, it's ok. You don't ever have to explain yourself to me."

Beca studied her, not sure if she should trust Chloe. Yet, the sincerity on her face made it hard for her to do anything but believe her. With a sigh of relief she nodded, "Ok. Thank you."

Chloe nodded and picked up a box of practice jerseys and began fold the shirts inside. "Aubrey knows you're right about the plays, you know."

Beca rolled her eyes at the mention of the blonde. Placing the broom in her hand against the cabinet to her left, she asked, "So if that's the case, then why does act the way she does?"

"Because she's under a lot of pressure, Beca. She—she comes from an _entire family_ of basketball player and I guess she wanted to prove to her dad that coming to Barden wasn't a mistake. She thinks she blew that chance when she got hurt our freshman year and not to mention she also missed the shot that could have won the game."

Beca picked up the broom and resumed sweeping. "But people miss shots all the time."

"Yeah but not the game winning shot of game two of the playoffs. That was the first time Barden's women's basketball team ever made it that far."

Beca sighed, suddenly feeling really bad for Aubrey. She knew firsthand how it felt wanting to make someone proud—she had lived for Julia's approval before her eyes were opened to what a sick and depraved woman she was.

"Well, I'll do whatever I can to get us back to the final game."

Chloe smiled at her softly, "You can't guarantee that."

"_No_ I can't, _but_ I can damn sure try.

_Is it sick of me  
To feed the animal in you  
Is it sick to say  
I tease the hunter like I do_

Aubrey returned to the bathroom with an unopened bottle of body wash. "I managed to find this skin sensitive Dial body soap in Chloe's room. It shouldn't irritate the cut on your back."

Charlie nodded from where she sat in the tub, her head resting against the tile wall.

"I just can't believe she attacked you for no reason."

"Well she's crazy Bree. I told you that. I was just standing in the yard with Isaiah and Pieter when she just jumped on me. She said something about it being payback for what happened at Bumper's party."

Aubrey's hand stilled where she had been using the bod loofah to clean her girlfriend's body. "Is that what she said?" she asked. She wanted to believe Charlie but a part of her couldn't help but wonder about what Beca had said in practice. Beca wouldn't have said that if it weren't the truth, right? Not to mention, Beca only seemed to resort to violence when provoked, particularly when someone physically provoked her.

"Yeah. She has problems, Bree. You're the psych major. You should see she needs serious help and definitely shouldn't be allowed on campus when she's so dangerous. I think I'm going to speak to the dean because she really could have hurt me and ruined my chances of being drafted."

"Don't—don't you think that's a little extreme?"

Charlie's hand snapped to look at Aubrey. She narrowed her eyes at the blonde, "Are you defending her when she did this to me?" she asked, lifting the arm resting in the blue sling.

Aubrey's eyes widened in fear. She knew she was teetering on dangerous ground and she _really_ didn't want to anger the soccer player.

"No. I—I just think she isn't worth the effort. You have a lot of things to worry about and Beca isn't important enough to take your attention away from them." She watched Charlie trying to gauge whether or not she believed her. When she saw the tension ebb away from her face, she discreetly sighed in relief.

"You're right. I have _way_ more important things to focus on than that bitch. Speaking of which, did you talk to your dad about the summer internship?"

Aubrey nodded as she focused on rinsing the dried blood off of Charlie's arms.

"Yes, I did."

"And?" Charlie asked impatiently.

"Charlie, you know he still thinks you're not a permanent part of my life and doesn't think he should bother investing in something that isn't going to last."

"What, does he think I'm not going to stick around if he gives me the internship?"

"I—I guess so. You know my father and I aren't particularly close and the conversation was very short."

"You didn't try hard enough."

"I did everything I could, but you know ultimately it's his decision."

Charlie clenched her jaw in aggravation. She snatched the body loofah from Aubrey, "You can leave. I can do this by myself" Aubrey wanted to protest that she couldn't with her broken arm but decided against it. She stood up and exited the bathroom and made her way to her bedroom to prepare for bed.

About an hour later, Aubrey laid in bed on the edge of sleep when her bedroom door opened. She felt the bed dip as Charlie climbed into the bed.

"Bree, are you awake?" Charlie whispered as she pulled Aubrey into her arms, kissing her neck.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry I got angry earlier."

"It's ok."

"I just…this is our future, babe. This internship will look really good on my resume so when I retire from the league, I can have something to fall back on."

"I know, char." She turned in the soccer player's arms to face her girlfriend. "I'm going to call him again tomorrow."

Charlie nodded and tightened her hold on the blonde. "Ok. But in the meantime, I think your father is right."

"I don't understand."

"We've been together since we were 14, Bree. Maybe it's time I make it more serious."

"Charlie, are you—" Aubrey tried not to get her hopes up in case she was jumping to conclusions and Charlie wasn't asking her what she thought she was.

"Aubrey, will you marry me?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, Bree. There are people out there including your father who are trying to drive us apart. I'm not going to let anyone get in the way of this. Of us."

Aubrey sat up slightly, resting on her elbows as she looked at her. "Charlie I don't want to do this if you're only proposing because you want to convince my dad to change his mind about you."

"Fuck your father, Aubrey. When have I ever cared about what he thought of me?"

Aubrey's eyes widened and she opened her mouth and closed it several times trying to figure out the words to say. She finally decided upon, "You really want to marry me?"

"Yes, Aubrey."

"Ok."

"Ok? You'll marry me."

"Yes, I'll marry you." She answered, suddenly overcome with happiness as she climbed on top of her _fiancé_ and kissed her.

_Is it sick of me  
To watch the wicked way you thrill  
Is it sick to say  
That I live to break your will_

The two basketball players walked by the lake on the west side of campus, neither ready to go back to their dorm after leaving the gym. Chloe wasn't ready to go back to her apartment and argue with Aubrey and Beca wasn't ready to go back to an empty apartment and face the nightmares waiting for her.

It began to rain and the two girls quickly ran to find shelter under a large evergreen tree that hadn't lost its leaves in the brisk October air fortunately. Back reached into her gym bag and pulled out her sweat towel. She laid it on the ground and took a seat before extending her hand for the redhead to take and join her.

Chloe rested her head on Beca's shoulder, "As much as the rain sucks, is really is beautiful."

Beca glanced over at the girl at her side before looking back at the lake in front of them. "Yeah…it really is."

"Beca, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

Chloe sat up straight and turned to look at the brunette. "I—I know I said I would forget it, but I just want to know…was it something I did that made you run from me that night?"

Beca chuckled bitterly as she pulled her knees to her chest and rested her head on her knees. "No. I know how cliché it sounds but it really wasn't you. It's me. _I'm_ the one that's broken and fucked up."

Chloe looked at the brunette in concern, "I understand, and I'm not going to push you. I just—I want you to know that if you ever need someone to listen, I'm here."

Beca smiled softly, "Thanks, Chlo...if—if there ever was a girl that I wanted in _that_ way, I'd want her to be you, Chloe"

Chloe smiles and readjusted her body to once again lay her head on Beca's shoulder. Her fingers ghosted along the necklace on Beca's neck, a paint palette. "This is a beautiful necklace. Was it a gift?"

"Yes… The—the person that gave it to me…she died."

"I—I'm sorry Beca."

"Don't be…I'm not."

Chloe glanced up at her in confusion before deciding to not ask. "I used to have a charm bracelet with charms just like this."

"What happened to it?"

"It—it was stolen." She dropped the necklace from her hands and looked back at the lake.

Beca saw the look of sadness that crossed Chloe's eyes for a brief second before it disappeared. She too decided to leave it undiscussed knowing that everyone had their own personal demons that they'd rather not face. She turned back to look at the lake. "Chloe, when a butterfly leaves its cocoon, was the butterfly born or did the caterpillar die?"

"…Neither… I think…I think the caterpillar will always live inside the butterfly. We evolve but a part of our old self will still remain. The same way our childhood self is still inside of us or uh…the same way an angel gets its wings."

Beca's eyes slipped shut unable to stop her mind from projecting onto the back of her eyelids the one image that forever haunted her. Julia.

"Or the demon gains its horns."

_Are you sick like me_

_Am I beautiful  
As I tear you to pieces  
Am I beautiful  
Even at my ugliest, you always say_

_I'm beautiful  
As you tear me to pieces  
You are beautiful  
Even at your ugliest, I always say  
You're beautiful and sick like me_


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**Just hanging by a thread**

_Dear Julia: You are dead to me. I…I swear you were like a drug…like heroin. You never know how bad a drug is until you've gone through withdrawal. I swear you were so fucking intoxicating and no matter terrible you were to me I couldn't leave you no matter how much I wanted to. _

Aubrey sat at the kitchen table eating a bowl of special K, unable to keep the smile off her face. She'd woken in the arms of her girlfriend—no fiancé—she'd finally found the topic of her senior thesis, and basketball was beginning to be enjoyable again since she and Beca went from arguing at every turn to completely ignoring each other.

"I'm in here Chloe." She called at the sound of the door opening. Chloe walked into the kitchen and smiled, taking a seat across from her best friend. Charlie made her way into the kitchen simultaneously, offering a smile to Chloe before leaning over to place a kiss on Aubrey's forehead. Chloe held in a grimace as she watched Charlie grip Aubrey's chin turning the blonde's head to meet her lips.

"I'll see you later?" she asked. Aubrey smiled and nodded her head.

Charlie grabbed a banana out of the bowl on the counter and exited the kitchen. Chloe waited until she heard the door close before asking Aubrey how her night went. Aubrey hesititaed in telling Chloe _exactly_ how her night went. She wanted to tell her best friend of nearly 17 years that she was engaged but she knew Chloe wouldn't share her excitement. It was quite discerning how much Chloe's dislike for what was once their best friend was becoming more evident as each day passed. She was still riding the high of accepting Charlie's proposal and she didn't want Chloe to ruin it with an argument about what a big mistake she had made. No, she would wait until Charlie got back on Chloe's good side and then she'd tell her. Until then, she'd just have to be patient and keep the news to herself.

"Nothing much. I just spent the night with Char. What about you? Where did you spend the night?" Aubrey asked with a knowing wink as she picked up her mug and took a sip of her coffee. It had been a lon time since she'd seen Chloe actually go out and have fun aside from the parties hosted by one of the basketball teams. She knew Chloe loved Noah and he took up a lot of her time but she really wished her redhead would set aside more time for herself to enjoy what were supposed to be the best years of her life.

"I—I spent the night with Beca." Seeing the modicum of jealousy cross her roommates face she quickly added, "It's not what you think. We went to the lake after we finished at the gym and we fell asleep. Don't worry. I'm not trying to steal your girl."

Aubrey rolled her eyes, "She is not my girl. You know I can't stand her."

"There's a very thin line between love and hate, Bree."

"Whatever. I don't want to talk about this anymore." She pointed to her friend's bag and asked "Did you get it?"

It was Chloe's turn to roll her eyes as she reached into her purse and pulled out the plastic bag and handed it over to the blonde. "They didn't have the 9 you usually get so I just got the 10NB. It looks close to the color you have now." Aubrey nodded and took the bag, pushing her cereal bowl aside.

Chloe watched her friend for a few seconds before saying, "You don't need that stuff to begin with."

"Chloe we discussed this." Aubrey said, opening the bag and pulling out the L'Oréal box inside.

"Well if you insist on dying your hair then why can't you buy that stuff yourself?"

"Because Charlie has my credit card and I don't receive my paycheck until the end of the week."

Chloe rolled her eyes. That was just one more reason she hated the soccer player. She refused to get her own job and mooched off of Aubrey's money, leaving her with the credit card bills. She was coming closer and closer to reaching a point where she just said screw it and called Mr. Posen to inform him of the situation Aubrey was trapped in. Trapped was the appropriate word she mused because just last week Aubrey had confided in her that she would leave Charlie if given the chance and yet Aubrey hasn't made any changes in her behavior to suggest she actually meant it. Aubrey wasn't someone to say something and not mean it so Chloe knew it wasn't that her friend _wouldn't_ leave, but _couldn't. _Aubrey would hate her for going behind her back and telling Mr. Posen but what type of friend would she be if she let Aubrey stay on the same path that she herself had once walked.

"So," she began, wanting to change the subject. "Did you find someone to interview for your paper?" she stood up from the table and walked to the refrigerator in search of something to eat.

Aubrey nodded, "Yeah I did. I'm actually thinking about writing it on Beca."

Chloe's head shot up from where she was pouring orange juice into a glass at the sound of the brunette. "That is the absolute _worse_ idea."

"Why do you—"

"You weren't in that room with us, Aubrey." She said in frustration. "Aubrey she nearly took coach's head off when she did something as simple as touch her. You don't react like that unless something is seriously wrong and I don't think you poking and prodding at her brain—without her permission I might add—is going to help."

"Who says I'll do it without her permission?"

Chloe gave her an unbelieving frown, "So what, you're going to go to her and say 'hey, Beca. I know we can't stand each other and I insult you on a daily basis but I wanted to know if you would be willing to sit down for an interview so I can write about you like a human guinea pig?' I'm sure that'll go over so well."

"Ok, so I'm not going to ask her but why are you making such a big deal of this Chloe? She won't know about the paper and she'll merely be a source of reference."  
Chloe sighed and returned to the table with her glass. "Something _happened _to her and the last thing she needs is someone betraying the little bit of trust she's given the team, given you."

_Innocent, Confident  
With a hint of curiosity and an air of what you see is what you get  
Fun to be around  
Laugh at herself  
Never worried  
Life is short but whats the hurry  
Bright-eyed and ready to take on the world_

Jessica looked up at the sound of the chimes going off at the front door to alert her of a customer's arrival. When she saw who it was she smiled and grabbed a CD from under the register as she made her way from behind the counter.

"Beca, it's your lucky day. That album you were looking for came in today."

Beca smiled and quickly walked over to where Jessica stood. When Beca reached out to take the CD from her, Jessica pulled it out of reach, smirking as she held the disc behind her back.

"Uh, uh. What do we say?"

Beca rolled her eyes, "Thank you Jessica. You're the best music connection anyone could ever ask for and without you I wouldn't be able to hear this advanced copy and would have to suffer with the masses until next week."

Jessica smiled and handed over the CD.

Beca smiled as she looked down at the album, smirking as she turned it over and read the track list.

Beca looked around and asked was the store always this empty. Jessica shrugged and returned to her post by the cash register. "Sometimes. People aren't buying CDs anymore since they can just get them on ITunes or whatever."

"Yeah, but then they miss out on the cool stuff inside the CD like the lyric book with all the cool shit about the band and stuff." She explained, gesturing the booklet inside the plastic case.

Jessica picked up the pricing gun she had abandoned by the cash register and resumed marking CDs while Beca made her way over to the sound system behind the register and inserted the CD.

"And who exactly is this band?" Jessica enquired.

"Only the greatest metalcore band. Ok so they're not technically metalcore anymore but they're still fucking awesome." She answered, hitting play on the stereo.

When the sound of Maria Brink's mezzo soprano rang out from the speakers, Beca immediately began to bang her head slightly as the song "Big Bad Wolf" filled the store. She walked over to where Jessica was and jumped up on the counter, taking a seat to listen to the music and watch Jessica.

"_Even in these chains, you can't stop me!" _ She sang, looking down at the lyric book to make sure she was hearing and singing the lyrics correctly.

"So, are you playing tonight?"

"Tonight? What's tonight?"

"Crap, I sometimes forget you weren't always a part of the team. The Hoops for Hope game is tonight. It's a charity game to raise money for Alzheimer's research since November is Alzheimer's awareness-the one thing Ronald Reagan got right."

"Cool. So who's playing?"

"It's open to anyone actually but usually it just ends up being a few of the guys from the men's team against us."

Beca nodded. It did sound fun, and it was for a good cause. "Who won last year?"

Jessica sighed and marked another CD. "The guys did. They always win."

"Will Coach be there?"

"Nah. She stays out of it, saying she doesn't want to get involved and take the fun out of it."

Beca scoffed, "No I'm sure Aubrey will handle that all by herself."

"So are you in?" Jessica asked hopefully. Beca sighed dramatically but nodded her head nonetheless. "I guess I can lend my superior basketball skills to the team."

Jessica used the price gun to mark Beca's coat several times, "Oh shut up."

_Have you seen that girl  
That everybody says I used to be  
Have you seen that girl  
Where along the way did I lose me?  
Have you seen that girl_

"Alright girls, we are treating this like a real game. I refuse to let those…dirt balls beat us again. Our normal starting five is going to begin the game and we'll make substitutions as needed." Aubrey stated as the girls gathered around her in a circle.

Beca took the purple shirt being handed to her by Cynthia Rose and opened it. On the front was a basketball wrapped in a purple awareness ribbon with the words "Hoops for Hope" on the front. Quickly pulling the t shirt over her head, she turned her attention back to Aubrey who was giving the team a rundown of what she expected today.

"The guys don't respect us and we will not let them leave here today thinking they are better players. My father always says 'If you're not here to win, get the hell out of Kuwait' and ladies I expect us to win. Now hands in."

All of the girls' hands gathered in the middle and Cynthia Rose yelled, "C'mon ladies. We got this. Barden on three. One…Two…Three…"

"Barden!"

Aubrey, Stacie, Chloe, Cynthia Rose, and Lily walked out onto the court of the small practice gym, the fans in the various steel bleachers cheering them on. The starters for the men's team were Bumper, Jesse, Donald, Unicycle, and Hat.

Donald met Stacie in the middle of the court for the jump ball. Beca nearly choked on her own saliva when she saw who the referee was, and more so what he was wearing. Benji, Barden's resident mascot, who's fro appeared to be larger and curlier than normal, stood in the middle of the court looking as if he'd robbed Will Farrell of his uniform from the movie Semi Pro.

Beca didn't appear to be the only one that found his attire funny. Several people in the stands and _all_ of the guys' team were pointing and laughing. Yet Benji, being the soldier he was, took the laughter in stride and continued on as if it didn't bother him.

Jessica took a seat next to Beca on the steel bench watching as Benji threw the ball in the air for the jump ball. Stacie's finger tips had grazed the ball but Donald was a split seconf faster as his entire palm pressed against the ball and hit it in the direction of Jesse.

Aubrey yelled for the girl's to get on defense and Beca had a terrible feeling this game was going to mirror that of the Talbot game.

"Do you think we'll win this year?" She asked Jessica.

The sophomore looked over at her, her facial expression answering for her as she responded with a succinct "Nope." Both girls sighed at the sight of Donald's reverse pivot layup.

"The guys always win because they actually go out there and have fun. Aubrey is a complete buzzkill and by half time most of the girls are frustrated. It only gets worse from there."

Beca nodded her understanding as she reached down under her seat and pulled out her water bottle to take a sip. She looked around the gym and noticed that the stands were full with Barden students and people from the community wearing either purple to support the girls or white to support the boys.

"I didn't know it was such a big deal." She said, gesturing to all of the people cheering around them.

"Of course it is. Otherwise it wouldn't be such a good fundraiser."

Despite the fact that the girls were never in the lead Beca was having a good time. The DJ played really good music and the fans were dancing and singing along as they cheered them on. By the time Benji blew his whistle signaling a five minute break the girls were down by five which wasn't too bad Beca thought considering it could be much worse.

"Alright, ladies, we are only two to three possessions from taking the lead." She panted lightly, using a hand towel to wipe at the sweat dripping down her face. "I'm going to have Beca come in for me and I want you to continue running the plays. If we run them just like we practiced we will pull ahead." She looked over at Beca and said, "Please don't try and be the hero. Just run the plays we practiced."

Beca rolled her eyes but nodded nonetheless. She walked out onto the court with the rest of the starters but with Fat Amy coming in for Cynthia Rose, and they met on their half of the court.

"Alright guys, I know what Aubrey said but we're going to try something different."

Everyone looked at her nervously and she sighed. "Look, I know what you're thinking but I really need you guys to trust me. The guys are running a zone defense and the plays we're running aren't going to successfully get through it when the team is full of guys that outweigh us by more than 50 pounds."

Chloe was the first to agree. "Ok, Beca. Just tell us what you have in mind."

Beca smiled at her gratefully. "Ok, so like I said, they're running a 3-2 zone. We have to force them to cover us man to man. Stacie, I want you to come up to the foul line. Do you guys remember 'lightning'?"

The girls nodded and Fat Amy added, "All of that vertical running wasn't for nothing."

"Good. We're going to run that. We're going to keep running it until Aubrey comes back in. we want to tire them out since there's no shot clock. Just keep cutting to the basket and I'll pass it to the open man. If someone covers you before you get the layup just pass it to Stacie for the shot."

The sound of Benji blowing his whistle signaled that the game was going to resume. It was the guys' possession and the girls set up in a 1-3-1 defense with Beca at the top of the key guarding Bumper.

"Oh sweetheart, did Posen finally realize she couldn't play with the big boys?"

Beca rolled her eyes and continued to play defense, not letting bumper get more than a couple of inches away from her despite his attempts to continuously crossover and do trick moves thinking they would distract her.

"No, she just couldn't stand that retched smell of old ham seeping from your body. Like dude, did you even bother showering before you came here?"

Bumper scowled at her as he tried to look for an open man.

"C'mon, Swanson!" he panted as he tried to find a way behind Beca. "Get open dammit. I can't do anything with her on my balls."

Jesse juked left and right trying to break Lily's defense but wherever he went, Lily shadowed quickly.

Beca smirked at him. "You don't have to worry about Jesse getting open."

"Oh really? And why is that?" he asked attempting and failing to drive past Beca once again.

"Because you need to worry about playing defense."

Before he could question what she meant, Beca had stolen the ball and was already down the court scoring an easy layup.

Bumper growled in frustration, pushing Jesse angrily when the taller boy passed him.

This set the precedent for the next 10 minutes with the girls managing to take and hold on to the lead. Beca's plan to tire out the guys team worked perfectly and after two of minutes of repeated running, cutting, and setting screens, the guys broke their zone defense and started covering the girl's one on one. This left room for the girl's to run the plays Aubrey wanted them to and they found themselves scoring repeatedly. By the time Aubrey came back in the girls were up by ten and the confidence of actually doing well spread throughout the team. It even appeared as if Aubrey had finally loosened up and was enjoying herself as well.

When Beca came back in for Lily the lead has decreased to two points and unfortunately, Beca hesitated a second too long in getting to Jesse to run interference before he shot the three pointer bringing the boys in the lead by one. There was fifteen seconds left on the clock and Aubrey called a time out to figure out the most efficient way to win the game.

"Hey, Aubrey, I think we should make a substitution."

"Who?"

"Chloe. I think we should bring in Jessica." Beca said pointing to the blonde on the bench, her shirt still dry having not played in the game.

Aubrey looked at Beca asking if she was crazy and Beca shook her head. "Please just trust me."

Aubrey studied her for a few seconds as if trying to decide if she should trust the brunette but at the sound of Benji's whistle she acquiesced. Chloe jogged off the court and told Jessica, much to her surprise, to take her spot.

Jessica quickly jogged over to Beca and the brunette told her that they just need one basket. "I know you get nervous in the game but just trust yourself. You can play and you definitely can shoot. Just get open and I'll give you the ball."

Beca could see the anxiety on Jessica's face as she nodded and took her place but she knew if it came down to winning or losing the game Jessica would do what was needed to ensure they took the victory.

Aubrey brought the ball down court and instantly passed it to Beca who managed to get past Hat and get open. She dribbled the ball looking for an opening but found none. The clock was running down and saw Jesse leave Jessica and come up to help Hat double team her on the wing. Quickly realizing what Jesse arriving to guard her meant, she bounce passed the ball through the opening between Jesse and Hat's body, quickly shouting for Jessica to shoot. The sophomore captured the ball and without hesitating set up and released the ball just as the buzzard sounded. The gym was silent for the split second the ball was in the air before cheers erupted throughout the gym as the orange ball fell through the net.

The rest of the girl's ran onto the court, gathering around Jessica to celebrate their victory. Aubrey tapped Chloe on the shoulder, pulling her attention away from the celebration. She pointed over to the stands. "Your mom is here with Noah."

Chloe's smiled brightened as she turned and quickly jogged over to where the two stood.

Noah met her half way, a purple bandana with her name written in white paint tied around his forehead and her jersey number painted on each of his cheeks. She immediately took him into her arms and hugged him.

"You did really good Mommy." The little boy said with a smile. Chloe kissed his cheek and carried him over to where her mother stood. Mrs. Beale congratulated her daughter on the game and Chloe thanked her as she listed to her son tell her about his favorite parts of the game.

"Where's poppa?" she asked, leaning over to kiss her mother on the cheek.

"Down at the construction site. He was called in on an emergency but he should be home later tonight if you plan on going out to celebrate with the team and want to stop by later." Mrs. Beale said with a soft smile. Chloe glanced back at the team before looking at Noah and shaking her head. "Nah, I think I'll have my celebration at home with my family."

_She was full of life  
Looked on the brighter side  
If it was worth a chance she'd take it  
Said that life is what you make it  
But a few wrong moves led to a few wrong turns  
And once your burned your not the same  
You tend to shy from the flame  
I hate to think shes givin up her dream_

Beca wasn't quite sure how she ended up the host to a post-game party. When she was asked about the party she was still riding the high of winning the game and had agreed to have the party at her house without realizing _she would being having a party at her house._ Apparently, Beca was the only person on the team whose address was unknown to Coach Abernathy and thus made it a perfect place to host a party in the middle of the season since the older woman would kill them if she found out.

So now here she was sitting on her couch staring blankly at the wall watching as her one true sanctuary was violated. Maybe is she made an anonymous tip to campus police everyone would just leave.

"For this to be a party, you don't seem to be having a good time."

Beca looked up and was shocked to find Aubrey standing in front of her offering her a Heineken. Beca took the beer with a grateful smile and quickly twisted off the cap to take a drink. Aubrey took a seat next to her on the couch and drunk from her own bottle.

"Well you guessed it at Bumper's party. I don't really handle social situations like this well."

'Yeah, well the rest of the team should be glad I'm even allowing this party. The last thing we need is for someone to get in trouble stumbling back to campus drunk."

Beca hummed in agreement as she took another sip of her drink. She was surprised to find the silence between her and the senior wasn't awkward at all despite the obvious tension the two normally shared.

"You—you played really well out there today." Aubrey said after some time, completely taking Beca by surprise. The freshman sat up on the couch and turned to look at Aubrey in shock.

"You actually gave me a compliment? Wow, is the world coming to an end? Wait right here, I'm going to check outside to see if pigs are flying." She moved to jump up from the couch but was pulled back down by Aubrey.

"God, you're such a dork." She laughed with a playful eye roll.

"Well what can I say, I think I'll see more solar eclipses in my life than hearing you actually say something nice."

Aubrey scoffed, "You make it sound like I'm some type of drill sergeant."

Beca shrugged, "Well…"

"Oh shut up." Aubrey said, hitting Beca on the arm and Beca noticed as much as aubrey tried to maintain a serious countenance, a smirk betrayed her true feelings.

Beca sat back on the couch and finished off her Heineken before placing it on the coffee table in front of her. "Well if it means anything, you didn't do so bad yourself, Posen. I saw that block on Unicycle. You damn near knocked his hair straight."

Aubrey burst out into laughter at this and Beca found she actually enjoyed the sound of her laughter.

Aubrey wiped at her eyes surprised that Beca could bring forth such mirth from her. It felt like such a long time since she laughed like that. When she reached forward to place her bottle on the coffee table her eyes met Charlie's as the soccer player walked into the apartment. Charlie smiled and waved when she saw her but the moment she saw that Aubrey was sitting with Beca a scowl immediately made its way onto her face.

"Fuck." She cursed under her breath. Aubrey began to panic and turned back to Beca knowing she had to get away before Charlie made her way over to them. Hopefully the large crowd of people dancing in the center of the apartment would delay her before she could reach the couch they were sitting on.

Beca noticed how tense Aubrey became suddenly and asked, "What's wrong Aubrey?"

"Um, nothing." She glanced back over to Charlie who was still angrily glaring at her as she tried to force her way through the crowd. She turned back to Beca. "Can we go to your room? It's just kinda loud out here and I think I have a headache."

Beca's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "Well I'm pretty sure a headache is something you _know_ you have."

Aubrey rolled her eyes at Beca's attempt at a joke. "Please. I just _really_ need to get out of here."

Beca hesitated. Her room was the one place she refused to let anyone into. She hated the fact that all of these people were in her apartment but she had locked her room for a reason. It was going to remain unsoiled by all of these strangers. She ran a hand through her hair to try and figure out a way to tell Aubrey no but when she looked out into the makeshift dance floor she saw Charlie making her way over to them and the panic on Aubrey's face began to make sense. With a sigh she nodded her head. "Sure. I take it you don't want Charlie to know where you're going so um, how about this…Go outside and go to the back. I'll open my bedroom window and you can climb in that way."

Aubrey nodded her head and stood up, quickly making her way out of the brownstone. Beca sighed wondering what in the hell she just got herself into. She walked to her bedroom door, unlocking it with the key on the keychain around her wrist before quickly making her way inside.

She flicked on the switch lighting up the dark room and locked the door behind her. She quickly picked up the clothes on the floor and the two empty Jack Daniel's bottles on the floor, throwing it all into her closet. She wasn't eeven sure why she was even making an effot to clean up. It was just Aubrey after all. She didn't need to impress her. She managed to shut the closet door just as a rapid tap against her window sounded throughout the room.

Pulling open the window, she offered Aubrey a hand to help her climb into the room.

"When you said go around back you didn't mention that I would have to go around every building on the street to get there."

Beca shrugged. "oops. I guess I forgot." She walked over to her paint easel and took a seat on the stool. "Welcome to my humble abode."

Aubrey looked around, taking in the various kids memorabilia within the small bedroom from the Rugrats blankets to the Rocket Power, Scooby Doo, and Dexter's Laboratory posters on the wall. She'd imagine the room was perfect for an eight year old, not a woman approaching twenty years old. If she was being honest, it looked the room of someone who never grew up…or was desperately clinging to the past.

She walked over to Beca's bed and took a seat. She didn't really recognize many of the cartoons throughout the room because her father didn't allow her or her brothers to spend their time like normal children watching cartoons on Saturday—or any day for that matter. The only one she recognized was the Power Puff Girls and that was because it was Chloe's favorite. Beca had glass figurines of the characters lining her dresser. If she remembered correctly from those days all of those years ago when Chloe would regale her with what happened in Townsville—she wasn't quite sure about the name but she thinks that was it. The girl with the orange hair was…blossom? Yeah, and the one with the black hair was buttercup.

"Beca? Weren't there three?"

Beca looked up from where she was cleaning out her paint brushes to where Aubrey was pointing. "Uh, yeah there are, but I'm having a hard time finding Bubbles. There were only like fifty sets made and I guess some asshole sold those two and is holding on to her."

Aubrey hummed her understanding as she continued to look around the room. After a few more minutes of taking in the rest of the room her eyes landed on Beca sitting behind a wooden easel.

"I didn't know you were a painter."

"I'm surprised."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because of that one time in practice you called me a carpenter reject because of all of the paint on my sweatpants."

Aubrey thought about the day in question and she actually felt slightly bad when she remembered exactly what day Beca was referring to. Once again she managed to judge Beca without knowing the full story.

As if reading her thoughts Beca said, "Don't apologize Posen. You meant it at the time so there's no use in apologizing now."

Aubrey closed her mouth. The apology siting on her tongue silenced by the brunette. Aubrey nodded her head despite the fact that Beca couldn't see her since she was focused on her paint brushes.

"Can you paint me something?"

Beca glanced up and smirked, "You know Chloe is going to be pissed if I paint you something before her."

Aubrey shrugged and smiled, "Well then it'll be our secret."

Beca couldn't help but smile back as she nodded. "Alright. I can paint you a portrait if you want."

"Will I have to sit for hours in the same spot?"

Beca stood up and grabbed her camera from her desk. "This isn't 1912 and we aren't on the titanic, Aubrey. We have technology." She sad gesturing to the camera in her hand.

Aubrey rolled her eyes playfully as she sat up straight on the bed. "Alright Raphael." Beca lowered her camera momentarily, "Isn't that the artist that died from having too much sex?"

Aubrey couldn't help the shock on her face and Beca chuckled as she walked closer and held her camera up to her face. "Don't look so shocked, Posen. At one point in time I like school as well." She adjusted the lens on her camera and took several snapshots. 'When she isn't glaring at me, she's actually quite beautiful.' She thought but quickly admonished herself for having such a thought. Aubrey was her enemy—ok not an enemy per say but they weren't friends, and she couldn't have thoughts about her if she didn't like her.

Beca walked over to her computer and quickly connected her camera and while she waited for the pictures to print she looked at Aubrey. "Are you excited to go home for thanksgiving?"

Aubrey shrugged "Um, I don't think excited is an appropriate word. What about you? Are you going home?"

Beca took the picture off the printer tray and walked back over to her easel. "No." she answered as she taped the picture to the corner of the blank canvas. "I—I don't really have a place to call home."

Silence passed between them as Beca began painting, the only sounds filling the room was that of the brush strokes against the canvas. After a few minutes sitting and debating whether or not she should offer something to the conversation Aubrey cleared her throat softly before saying, "I don't either… I mean, I have family but i—I just feel like a stranger in my house with all the talks of law cases and surgeries and Ivy League degrees…so I usually don't go home."

Beca looked up from where she was laying a brown base coat on the canvas. "Well what do you do during the holidays?"

Aubrey shrugged and picked at a stray thread on Beca's comforter. "I sometimes tag along with Chloe but in case you didn't notice, Chloe and the Beales can be a little overwhelming at times."

Beca didn't know what possessed her to answer but before she could realize what she was doing she offered "Well you're welcome here."

She looked away and cursed herself internally for not thinking before she spoke. She doubted Aubrey would want to spend her holiday with her anyway. They have nothing in common and they're always arguing. She doubted Aubrey even liked her. She looked at Aubrey to recant but was interrupted by Aubrey answering with a soft smile, "I'd love to."

_Have you seen that girl  
That everybody says I used to be  
Have you seen that girl  
Where along the way did I lose me  
Have you seen that girl  
Where along the way did I lose me  
Have you seen that girl_


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**Consequences of Falling**

_Dear God,_

_When Julia took me to church that one time to ask for forgiveness for what she had done to me, did you already know of what she had done? Aren't you all knowing and all that? So does that mean you did know? If that's the case, why'd you let her come back? Why didn't you crash her car? Or better yet, why didn't you strike her dead right there? Why'd you let her come back to me and hurt me again? Instead, you forgave her for her sin and you continued to forgive her despite what continued to happen. God, I'm sorry, but I can't believe in a deity that forgives __**all**__sins because some are unforgiveable. What she did to me was __**unforgivable**__._

"Alright ladies I'm calling it a day." Abernathy said, blowing her whistle to the relief of the girls. She motioned for everyone to gather around her. "Thank you ladies for coming out so early on what was supposed to be a day of feast but at least you'll have the rest of the day and all of tomorrow off." Coach Abernathy said to the girls gathered in a circle on the floor.

Fat Amy nudged Cynthia Rose from where she sat next to the pink haired girl on the floor. "I don't know if I completely agree with the whole celebrating a mass murderer thing but any holiday that permits you to eat until you can't anymore is my type of day!"

Beca smirked, amused at Fat Amy's comment. Coach Abernathy rolled her eyes at the Australian and shook her head as she handed out the modified game schedule. "So ladies, our schedule has been changed around due to unforeseen circumstances with one of the teams. If you take a look at the new schedule I just gave you, you'll see we're playing LSU next Thursday instead of Haggard Lee which is now pushed to the following Monday." She looked down at her watch. "I don't want to keep you all away from your family longer than I have to, so we'll discuss LSU when we get back. Have a good thanksgiving."

All of the girls jumped up, ready to begin their holiday.

Beca stayed back, gathering her gym bag. She slipped on her coat and took a seat on the bleachers to wait for Aubrey to finish getting dressed.

Fifteen minutes later Aubrey made her way out of the locker room, showered and ready to start her holiday. She had to admit, she was somewhat excited to be spending the day with Beca despite their relationship being tumultuous at best. Charlie went home for the holiday and Aubrey was relieved that she didn't inquire further into her staying on campus for the holiday. She really didn't want to have an argument especially since their relationship was going well since the engagement.

She walked into the gym, buttoning her yellow pea coat. Beca was so engrossed in her phone that she didn't realize she was no longer alone until Aubrey took a seat next to her.

"Oh, hey." She said, putting away her phone.

"Have you been waiting long?" Aubrey asked with a soft smile.

Beca shook her head, "No, not really. Besides, I had my phone to keep me company anyway."

"I didn't see you in the locker room. Don't you want to take a shower before we leave?"

"No. I'd rather take one in the privacy of my home."

"Oh. Well you didn't have to wait for me you know?"

Beca smirked as she stood up, pulling her gym bag over her head, letting the strap rest on her shoulder. "Yeah, well I thought I'd be a good host and wait. I did invite you to my home after all."

Aubrey smiled and stood up as well. "Well I still have to run back to my apartment. I grabbed a few things from the supermarket." Seeing Beca's eyebrow raise questioningly, she added, "I saw your refrigerator the other night and I doubt beer and cereal are enough for a complete thanksgiving meal."

Beca raised her hands in surrender, "Hey, I'm not complaining. I'm never one to turn down free food."

Aubrey rolled her eyes playfully as she leaned over to pick up her gym bag from the floor. "Alright, so I'll meet you at your place by twelve?"

Beca nodded, "I—I'm glad you're coming over." She said softly, looking down at the ground slightly unsure of herself. In an attempt to cover up for her statement, she quickly added "because you said you've never seen Rugrats and since I have a collector's set I thought I'd—"

Aubrey cut Beca off as she took a step forward. "I'm glad I'm spending Thansgiving with you too."

Beca looked up and a small smile made its way onto her face, relief spreading throughout her at the release in awkward tension. "Ok, so twelve then?"

"I'll be there."

_Are you breathing  
What I'm breathing  
Are your wishes  
The same as mine_

Aubrey dropped her keys in the bowl by the door and called out for Chloe. She knew the redhead's flight was in a couple of hours and she wanted to wish her a good holiday before she left.

"Chlo?"

"I'm in here."

The sound of sobbing compelled her to quickly find her roommate. When she saw her sitting in her bedroom on the floor, she quickly walked over to her and took a seat next to her.

"Bug? What's wrong?"

Chloe looked up at her. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy, tear streaks on her face. She handed Aubrey a piece of paper and Aubrey quickly took the folded letter and read its contents.

It was a subpoena for Chloe to appear in family court. Dominic's parents were suing for visitation rights for Noah.

"They can't do this. That bastard, he—he raped you! They can't be allowed to see him."

"Don't you think I know that?" Chloe snapped. She sat back against her bed dejectedly. "It won't stop them from trying, though. The jury barely believed me about what he did to me. What if they think I'm a bad mother?"

Aubrey pulled Chloe into her arms, rubbing circles on Chloe's back to sooth the redhead as she cried into her shoulder.

"We're not going to let anyone take Noah from you. You are a _wonderful_ mother, ladybug. I'll call my father and see if he or Will can represent you pro bono."

Chloe tightened her arms around Aubrey and hugged her closer. "God, Bree. I don't know what I do without you."

Aubrey kissed Chloe's forehead, "Don't worry, bug. You'll never have to find out."

Chloe smiled softly and pulled away from Aubrey, and drew her legs to her chest. She rested her head on her knees and looked at Aubrey. "So are you coming home for thanksgiving?"

"No. I'm—I'm actually going to stay with Beca." Seeing Chloe's amused and smug grin she quickly added that Chloe was welcome to come along.

Chloe shook her head, "Oh, no, I'm fine. I'm going to spend what might be my last holiday with Noah. Plus I really think Beca would be good for you if you got your head out of your ass."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Chloe shrugged but didn't respond, the smug grin still affixed to her face. Aubrey rolled her eyes and stood up. She knew what Chloe was insinuating and said "I'm with Charlie. I'm not going to cheat on her."

"I'm not asking you to cheat on her but I don't think you should pass up on what could be a great relationship because you're holding out hope that Charlie will change." Aubrey opened her mouth to protest but Chloe stopped her. "Just think about what I said. That's all."

_Are you needing  
What I'm needing  
I'm waiting for a sign_

_My hands tremble  
My heart aches  
Is it you calling  
Is it you calling_

Aubrey stood in Beca's kitchen unloading the various Trader Joe's bags. Chloe had told her a few weeks ago that Beca was also a vegetarian in what she surmised was the redhead's attempt to bring the two closer. At the time Aubrey had scoffed and rolled her eyes but now she was glad that she was privy to this bit of information. It also saved her the uncomfortable nausea that would arise if she would have had to cook meat for the brunette.

She was slightly embarrassed to admit she was putting a lot of effort into this dinner because a part of her wanted to impress Beca. She couldn't tell you why she was putting forth as much effort s she was, and she didn't take the time to think about it either because when she did it led her to thoughts that weren't appropriate for someone to have when in a relationship. Chloe might have been slightly correct in her assertion that Aubrey was slightly attracted to Beca but she wouldn't let herself cheat on Charlie—even if it was just emotional infidelity.

While Beca was in the shower she began to prepare the ingredients for the pumpkin pot pie she had decided on. It was one of the meals that she had perfected. She was the only vegetarian in her family and she had been since she was thirteen. This led to her having to learn to cook for herself and over time she'd managed to build up a repertoire of meals. While at Trader Joe's she spent close to an hour trying to decide what Beca might possibly like and finally decided upon pumpkin pot pie and a vegetarian vegetable soup. For desert she decided upon three types of pie: apple, cherry, and lemon meringue.

She opened various cupboards in search of a baking pan. When she came up empty she walked to the bathroom to ask Beca.

Knocking lightly, she waited for a response. After a few seconds she figured Beca couldn't hear her over the music playing from inside the bathroom and decided to open the door.

Beca stood in just a towel, her back to Aubrey as her hand reached into the shower to test the water temperature.

"Beca?" she said, reaching out to tap the brunette. In hindsight Aubrey knew she'd made several mistakes. First, she walked into the bathroom despite Beca specifically telling her she liked to shower privately. Second, she didn't go to great efforts to alert Beca to her presence, and the worst of all, she touched Beca, something she knew was completely forbidden.

Beca jumped, startled by Aubrey's sudden presence. She quickly turned, her hands wrapping around Aubrey's neck as she roughly slammed her against the bathroom wall. Aubrey clawed at Beca's hands trying to convince her to let her go but she was met with large dilated pupils staring thousands of miles beyond her. As she tried to gasp for air and pry Beca's hands away from her throat she could see Beca was gone.

_The water was stuck at its temperature and no matter how much she tried to will it to get hotter so that she could boil and die in its heat, it wouldn't. She wanted nothing more than to die, to cease living. Why couldn't God just grant her that mercy? Why couldn't—wouldn't he end her suffering! She waited eight long fucking years for him to come and save her from Lucifer posing as her basketball coach and yet, nothing. It only seemed to get worse almost as if the older she got, the more depraved Julia became. Who in the fuck determines the appropriate age to use a strap-on? Apparently, Julia thought 13 was old enough for her to receive. For her 14__th__ birthday, she got to reciprocate. She hated her birthday. When Julia would hold the harness out to her and lie back in her bed expectantly—Beca hated those nights the most. Tonight was one of those nights. Even standing under the steaming spray of the shower, her hand blanching as her nails dug into the linoleum in front of her, she couldn't get Julia's moans for her to fuck her harder out of her mind._

_The water cascading down over her burned her eyes and she could barely see, but she forced her eyes to remain open for it provided her with a pain she deserved after what she'd just done._

"_Blackbird."_

_No! Just please go away. Leave her here to self-flagellate in peace. Julia's arms snaked around her waist and the feeling of the older woman's body against hers, her head resting against her back—_

_Dammit, she was crying like a little girl. Tears were falling and now that the levees broke, she couldn't stop it. She couldn't go anywhere to wallow in her self-misery alone because Julia had trapped her in her arms. She couldn't run, she couldn't fight, and she couldn't speak up and get help. She couldn't do anything. Every single feeling inside of her was beginning to become too much, too overwhelming, and suddenly everything stopped. Well everything, every emotion except helplessness and despair, which, to Beca, was the worst of all._

_Julia's hand feathered across her abdomen before it slowly crept down to the juncture between her legs. "Do you still love me, blackbird?" she husked lustfully in Beca's ear._

_Beca didn't say anything and continued to cry silently as Julia's foot nudged her legs apart. Beca could feel her heart stopping for a split second, when Julia's fingers penetrated her. God how she wished her heart would stop permanently. _

"_Say you still love me, Rebecca." She kissed her shoulder as her hand moved in and out of the fourteen year old. "I love you, little bird. Do you love me too?"_

"_I wanna die…" she whispered through her tears, her voice so soft she doubted Julia even heard her. "I just wanna die." It didn't even matter if the older woman heard her words because beca had finally said it out loud and it made it all the more real. She had thought about it so many times, but it didn't became an actuality—a fact, until that moment. And Beca hated that, because not having the will to live was probably the most pathetic thing in existence. It made her weak. And when she cried out in release, the words Julia sought involuntarily spilling from her lips she knew she'd do whatever it took to make sure she didn't see her next birthday. If God wouldn't take her, she'd happily greet death at the door._

"I don't love you!" Beca screamed, still trapped inside of her mind—inside of her nightmare. She tried to control her breathing, trying not to feel like a trapped animal.

"Beca, please stop." Aubrey cried out.

Beca released her and stumbled backwards. Her back connected with the tiled wall behind her, the dampness of the room clinging to her body. Standing in only a towel she felt naked. Vulnerable. Her eyes flickered from blue eyes and around the room looking for any form of escape. Time seemed to slow down, the only sound was the running shower.

She tensed up as Aubrey took a hesitant step forward and she wondered for a brief second what she must look like to the blonde. Did she look pathetic as she cowered in the corner hoping to blend in with the tile and disappear? Did she look like a weak coward, shaking before a school bully? Or, was she simply a victim, bare for the whole world to see and judge…to victimize?

A hazy part of her mind wondered if Aubrey was watching her, waiting for her to turn her back and take advantage of her like Julia used to do. This part of her mind screamed the loudest and the fight or flight response kicked in. Her muscles tightened in response to those thoughts and her eyes trained on Aubrey like a lion before a gazelle. When she noticed the look of uncertainty cross Aubrey's face, she couldn't help the satisfaction she felt. Seeing that fear, she knew she was no longer the victim here—she would never be the victim again. Not to Aubrey, not to Julia, not to anyone. Never again. She didn't care what she would have to do, she would fight this time and she _would_ win.

She pounced on Aubrey, her forearm slamming against Aubrey's trachea and Aubrey cried out in pain as the air was forcibly pulled from her lugs by the sudden impact. Once again Aubrey was trapped.

"Stop?" Beca hissed. "You want me to stop?"

Aubrey stared into the bottomless eyes glaring down at her, wondering briefly if Beca was going to kill her here. She knew she'd made a mistake scaring Beca, especially with the problems she knew Beca had. Now she could only wait and pray that Beca would snap out of it before she truly hurt her. She didn't recognize Beca's voice. The menacing tone in which Beca spoke to her was unnerving.

"You never stopped when I asked you to." Beca growled, pushing her arm further into Aubrey's throat.

Aubrey clawed at Beca's arm, desperate for air. She was beginning to see spots and she could feel herself slipping out of consciousness. "Beca…" she wheezed.

"Think about your next words carefully, Julia." Beca threatened.

"Please…I'm sorry." Aubrey whispered hoarsely. The room was beginning to spin and everything was going black.

Beca blinked repeatedly, unnerved by the desperate pleas. Julia never begged her for anything. She manipulated and coerced but she never begged and she _definitely_ never apologized. She took a step back, letting go of Aubrey and the blonde collapsed to the ground desperately sucking in oxygen. Hearing the cries from the woman in front of her brought beca back to reality and she realized just how far she'd fallen. Seeing the angry red marks on Aubrey's neck, the bloodshot eyes, and the erratic breathing from Aubrey, she was plagued with nausea. The red hazy mist that had blurred her eye and clouded her mind had strangled her with fear and it took control of her body all before she was even aware it was even happening. This wasn't Julia Matthews she had on the floor. This wasn't the woman who took her virginity at the age of nine or the woman who manipulated her into doing _whatever_ she wanted.

She took another step back until she was as far away from Aubrey as the room allowed which ironically had her back against the wall again. She could feel blue eyes studying her. Her legs felt like jelly and another wave of nausea crashed over her again. Her legs gave out and she couldn't do anything but slide down the wall until she landed harshly on the floor below. She pulled her legs tight into her stomach and refused to meet Aubrey's questioning eyes.

"I think it's best if you leave."

Aubrey quickly scrambled to her feet, not wanting to do anything to garner another reaction from the brunette. She quickly waked to the door and as she passed through the threshold Beca's voice stopped her.

"_Never_ sneak up on me like that again."

_If I'm alone in this  
I don't think I can face  
The consequences of falling_

_Are you thinking  
What I'm thinking  
Does your pulse  
Quicken like mine_

Aubrey stood in the kitchen chopping carrots nervously. She really hoped that Beca wouldn't force her to leave after what just happened. She honestly felt remorse for triggering such a reaction within the small brunette. However, it did answer the one question that had been lingering on her mind. Beca _definitely_ had PTSD but her reaction also brought forth even more questions. What caused such a reaction? Who was Julia? And what had Julia done to Beca to make Beca not think twice about killing her because she was sure if Beca wasn't able to pull herself out of her fugue Aubrey truly believed Beca would have killed her.

A hand touching her shoulder caused her to drop the knife in her hand and it clattered to the floor.

"Oh god, Beca you scared me." She said, her hand flying to her chest to steady her racing heart.

Beca pulled her hand back and took a step back. "I—I'm sorry. I just—I was afraid you had left."

Aubrey shook her head as she reached down to pick up the knife off the floor. "I—I didn't want to leave in case you needed me."

Beca nodded and looked around the kitchen at the various vegetables lining the cabinets and the various boiling pots on the stove.

"I—I'm sorry I hurt you Aubrey. That wasn't my intention. There are—things in my past that make me react that way. I—there's reasons why I shower here and not at the gym and why I won't let coach touch me. I—I'm sorry that I won't elaborate but I—I just don't like opening old wounds."

Aubrey nodded, although her attention was focused on the slight scent of booze on Beca's breath. Her initial thought was to ask when Beca had a drink but decided against it. After everything that just happened she didn't blame Beca for wanting to drink something to take the edge off. After all one drink every now and then wasn't too bad.

"Well, um, do you like cranberry sauce?"

Hearing Aubrey ask about something as trivial as cranberry sauce brought Beca great relief. She didn't want to linger on what had occurred in the bathroom and she was so grateful that the blonde had changed the subject.

"No—no I don't."

Aubrey sighed in relief. She smiled softly as she turned back to the cabinet to retrieve a clean knife to resume cutting the carrots. "Me neither. I thought I would have had to go back to the store and get some."

Beca shook her head and hoped onto the cabinet to watch Aubrey cook. "Nope. I'm a simple person and whatever you make I'm sure will be fine."

Aubrey smiled at Beca as she returned to her task.

"So, is there anything I can help you with?" Beca asked, reaching into the salad bowl next to her to take a cherry tomato and popping it into her mouth.

"Yeah, you can start to peel the pumpkin over there." She said, pointing to the table where the sugar pumpkin sat.

Beca nodded and jumped off the counter to do as asked. The two worked in comfortable silence managing to seamlessly maneuver throughout the kitchen and around one another to cook an entire thanksgiving feast—well a feast for two people.

"Shit!"

Aubrey turned to investigate at the sound of Beca cursing to herself lightly.

"What's wrong?"

Beca slowly turned around and Aubrey took in the sight of the small brunette covered head to toe in white flour. "Wh—what happened?" she asked, her mouth moving up to her face to cover her mouth and hide her mirth.

"The stupid piece of shit just exploded everywhere." Beca explained, her eye narrowing at Aubrey's laughter. "Do you think this is funny?" She asked.

Aubrey shook her head and tried to keep a straight face but laughter eventually one out. "N—No. I don't." she lied.

Beca nodded her head as she secretly reached for the torn flour bag. She walked over to Aubrey and before the blonde could react, she dumped the remainder of the white powder over the blonde's head, bathing her in flour.

"Oh, I'm definitely going to get you back for that!" Aubrey yelled as she grabbed the can of whip cream from the stove. Beca ran as Aubrey chased her around the kitchen seeking revenge.

Beca grabbed the other can of whipped cream and began to spray it behind her hoping to hit the blonde. The two stood on the opposite side of the table, Beca trying to reason with Aubrey but the blonde was adamant. Aubrey ran around the table and Beca quickly took off to get away from her. Their laughter filled the house as Beca tried to find a way out of the situation. So caught up on getting away from the blonde she didn't see the puddle of whip cream on the floor until she'd already stepped in it and slipped. Aubrey came around the table too quickly and tripped over Beca, falling to the floor as well. She landed on top of Beca and immediately climbed off, fearing another violent reaction. She laid on the floor beside Beca as the two tried to catch their breath.

The brunette sat up slightly, resting her weight on her elbows. She looked over at Aubrey and swiped at the bit of whip cream on the blonde's nose. She brought her finger to her mouth and licked the cream before smirking, "I think the whole Casper aesthetic looks good on you."

Aubrey rolled her eyes and discreetly grabbed her can of whipped cream, quickly spraying its contents onto Beca. "I win!"

Beca rolled her eyes and laid back on the floor. "I guess we should clean up now, huh?"

"Probably."

Nearly two hours later after cleaning up and washing off the various food items sticking to their skin both girls sat down to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade that Aubrey had DVR'd while the food baked. Unfortunately, being awake since five that morning had finally caught up with both girls and they accidently dozed off.

Beca awoke to the strong smell of smoke and sat up in alarm. She quickly jumped up and ran to the kitchen, the sight of Aubrey swatting at the flames stemming from her stove greeting her. She quickly grabbed the fire extinguisher deposited by the door and used it to extinguish the flames. Unfortunately by the time the flames were gone all of the food was covered in white foam from the fire extinguisher.

Despite how much she knew it wasn't appropriate she couldn't help but laugh at the circumstance. She glanced over at Aubrey who looked on the verge of vomiting and immediately she stopped laughing. Where she would normally relish in Aubrey's state, she knew that maybe laughing wasn't such a good idea and she shut up immediately.

"It's—it's all ruined."

Beca reached out and placed a hand on Aubrey's shoulder to catch her attention. "I'm a simple person, remember? I know what we can eat. Just go change out of those smoke scented clothes and I'll have a thanksgiving dinner ready that you'll never forget."

ten minutes later Aubrey joined Beca in the living room where she was cuing up season 1 of Rugrats. She took a seat next to the brunette and was surprised when Beca handed her a bowl of multicolored cereal.

"What's this?"

"Captain Crunch." Beca said through a mouthful of cereal.

Aubrey used her spoon to stir the contents of the bowl before raising a spoonful to her mouth tentatively. She was pleasantly surprised that she liked the taste. "I've never had this cereal before."

"Really?" Beca asked not bothering to hide her surprise at the blonde's confession. When Aubrey nodded Beca smiled and turned back to the TV. "Well I'm glad I was able to offer you your first taste of awesomeness."

Aubrey smirked as she continued to eat her own bowl of cereal. "Is this how you normally spend your holidays?"

"Yeah. It's what I did last year and the year before that. The captain and the gang." She said gesturing to the TV where Tommy and his friends were embarking on yet another imagined adventure.

Aubrey chuckled, "I've never seen this show but I think I saw this on your blankets."

Beca nodded. "It was my favorite show when I was little… it reminds me of a simpler time."

Aubrey watched Beca sadly as the brunette's eyes glazed over for a few moments afraid that she was dissociating. She sighed softly in relief when Beca picked up the remote and turned up the volume on the TV not ignorant to the soft sniffles the brunette tried to hide.

Aubrey turned back to the TV, bumping Beca's shoulder lightly to cheer her up. "Don't worry. We all at one point or another weep for the childhood we'll never get back."

Despite Beca's soft smile, Aubrey could hear the sadness in her voice as the brunette stared down at her into the bowl in her lap and said, "Yeah, and some of us weep harder than others."

_Are you dreaming  
What I'm dreaming  
I can't read your mind  
One step towards you  
Two steps back  
Feels like I'm crawling  
Feels like I'm crawling_

Beca was unsure of how many episodes they had watch because after a while she began to space out. Watching cartoons numbed her to the world and before she knew it, hours had passed. On certain days she welcomed the escape from the world but today she felt bad that she basically _disappeared_ on Aubrey.

Reaching forward she grabbed the remote from the coffee table and hit the red button to pause the show. She stood up, extending her arms above her to stretch her limbs as she walked into the kitchen in search of Aubrey.

The blonde stood by the stove examining what looked to be pies from where Beca stood. At the sound of footsteps behind her, Aubrey turned around and smiled at her, "I guess I didn't ruin everything."

Beca shook her head and walked further into the kitchen. "You didn't ruin thanksgiving… actually it's the best holiday I've had in—in a long time." She grabbed a fork and hoped onto table, taking one of the pies from Aubrey's hand. Aubrey walked over with the other two pies and looked at her questioningly.

Beca rolled her eyes, "We already threw out thanksgiving tradition by having cereal. I think we might as well go all out and be complete rebels by sitting on the table." She said, folding her legs under.

Aubrey bit her lip unsure of whether or not she should copy the brunette's actions but seeing the wide grin Beca gave her as she took in a mouthful of lemon meringue pie and she found herself climbing onto the table as well.

"Don't worry, Bree. I won't tell anyone how rebellious you." She said with a wink. Aubrey looked at her trying to hide the shock she felt at hearing beca call her 'Bree'. She doubted Beca even realized what she said.

"So what kind of pie is that?" Beca asked using her fork to point to the dessert situated on the table in front of the blonde.

"Cherry." Aubrey responded. She took a piece onto her fork and offered it to Beca. The brunette looked at the piece of dessert unsure of whether or not to take it but after a few seconds she opened her mouth and allowed Aubrey to feed her. The moment was painstakingly and immensely intimate but neither woman commented on it, not wanting to ruin the mood.

"So tell me about your family." Beca said after a few moments in silence. "You said it was filled with lawyers and doctors. That can't be all there is to your family, right?"

Aubrey chuckled bitterly as she took another bite of pie, this time swapping out the cherry pie for the apple. When Beca saw what type of pie she'd just cut she, too, abandoned her lemon meringue pie and they shared the American favorite.

"Actually that really is all there is to the Posen family. I'm the youngest of nine and the rest are all boys."

"That must have been awful and awesome at the same time."

Aubrey shrugged, "I guess so. None of the boys dared to even look at me in fear of the wrath of the 'Posen boys'. They were really protective and it was endearing at times but the other ninety percent of the time it was something I loathed. I had not one but eight brothers I was compared against but never quite measured up to."

Beca wanted to offer something to make the blonde feel better but she had a feeling that Aubrey would have preferred her to offer an ear to listen rather than words of pity.

"My brother RJ—Richard Posen junior—he's a neurosurgeon and I swear he's like my father incarnate. He and I were never close. It might have been the huge age difference—seventeen years—but somehow I doubt it….after him is my brother Chris. He's a surgeon too but specializes in cardiology. He's only 15 years older than me and honestly of all my brothers I kinda pity him the most."

"Why do you say that?"

"…I don't know. It's just a hunch but I feel that of all my brothers he's the one who's truly unhappy with is life. Richard Posen Sr is a cruel and unforgiving man on his worst days and imposing and intimidating on his best. I just truly think Chris gave into pressure and became the son my father wanted instead of the man Chris wanted to be. He was always a nerdy kid, fiddling around with computers and such which is why I was surprised when he turned down a scholarship to MIT in order to study at Princeton in biology. But, his wife, Christina, seems nice of enough and I know he really loves her. Something not even RJ has with that gold digger he calls his wife."

Beca chuckled, "Chris and Chris. Ha! I bet they got a good laugh out of that."

Aubrey smiled but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "After Chris is his twin, Charles and he's the state senator. I rarely see him except during the holidays. William, who's 33 is my father's prized child, after RJ of course, and he works at my dad's firm. Next is Edward and he's a marine. We get on well enough and although I had 3 brothers older than him, I always viewed him as my older brother. He was the one that beat up Jaxson Summers when he made me cry in fourth grade and took me to my eighth grade social because the other boys were too afraid to ask me."

"Where was Charlie? Chloe said you guys were friends since kindergarten or something."

"No, I knew Chloe since we were four and Charlie moved to Raleigh right before seventh grade."

"So why didn't she take you to the dance? She doesn't seem like the type to let anyone get a shot at you if she had a say in it."

Aubrey looked away, "Well Charlie wasn't always like she is now…besides she was still deep within her own closet like I was."

Beca watched Aubrey try and discreetly wipe away a tear and she pretended not to notice. "So you told me about Edward, who are the other two?"

"Louis. He's still in medical school in Cambridge and then there's Wesley. He's only a year older than me."

"Then you two must be close."

Aubrey nodded. "He's my best friend—aside from Chloe of course. He went to Julliard."

"I'd imagine that didn't sit well with your dad." Beca said with a smirk. Aubrey shook her head, "it didn't. They had this huge argument and didn't speak to each other for weeks but of course Wesley went anyway and I'm glad because he is a really talented piano player."

"Piano, huh? He must get all of the chicks up there in the big apple." Beca joked, taking another bite of the neglected meringue pie.

"I don't know about that. But I'm sure he gets a lot of guys." Aubrey quipped, unable to help joining in on the boisterous laughter stemming from the brunette in front of her. After a few moments of laughter the two were once again sitting in comfortable silence.

"I know your family seems a little, uh, intense, but they don't seem like a bad group of people."

"I guess they're not but it gets really hard being home sometimes and realizing you will never truly belong."

"Wh—what do you mean by that?" Beca asked curiously. Aubrey looked up at her, not quite sure if he wanted to confide in Beca. However despite how much the rational part of her mind told her she barely knew Beca, another part of her felt like she could trust the brunette. That part of her brain burned the brightest and she found herself divulging to Beca something only Chloe knew.

"My…my mother gave birth to me after having an affair…" she took in a ragged breath as she tried to control the emotion brimming to the surface. "No one knew of course, not even my father until I was like three years old when my hair darkened to brown. Both of my parents have blonde hair and so do their parents. None of my brothers have brown hair. With everything I know about genetics it's completely possible for them to have a child with brown hair but my dad asked my mom and she admitted it…He never looked at me the same."

Beca looked at Aubrey in shock by what she just heard but she tried her hardest to keep the sound of pity out of her voice as she spoke to the blonde because she knew it was the probably the last thing she wanted to hear. "How did you find out?"

"Wesley told me. When I found out, I started dying my hair. Just so I wouldn't be the odd one out. It didn't change anything…" she shrugged dejectedly. "Ironically enough, Wesley's hair darkened as he got older. I guess I never got out of the habit." She said, running her hand through her hair. "I just…I know my brothers love me and that they don't view me as anything but their sister but sometimes I feel like I have to try twice as hard as my brothers to be good enough in my father's eyes. I have to exceed his expectations to be considered a _true _Posen in his eyes and for most of my life I felt like I've failed."

Beca, despite herself, reached out and took Aubrey's hand in hers, glad to find it didn't trigger a flashback or cause her instant nausea. "It's ok, Bree. We all have fucked up families in one way or another."

Aubrey wiped at her eyes, "yeah, well at least your father doesn't look at you as if you were the greatest disappointment of his life."

Beca shrugged, "Yeah, but my dad ran off when I was five and left me alone with my drug addicted mother. I'd say that's pretty fucked up, wouldn't you?" She tried to laugh and make it a joke but it came off as bitter and filled with contempt.

Beca didn't divulge that bit about her mother in an attempt to trivialize Aubrey's plight. She really just wanted to make her feel better and she surprised herself that she didn't find it all that difficult to tell the blonde about her home life, even if it was only a vague snippet.

"Look, Bree. I know it sucks, having a family whose love you feel is conditional but I'll tell you what I learned a long time ago…you can't count on anyone but yourself. If your dad doesn't love you well then fuck him."

Aubrey wiped at her eyes and chuckled lightly, "is this where you give me a speech about learning to love myself before expecting it from someone else?"

Beca shook her head, "No because I think that entire idea is bullshit. Whoever said that, you can't love someone until you love yourself hasn't ever lived because sometimes it's hard as fuck to love yourself, I would know." She tightened her hold on Aubrey's hand and sapphire eyes met topaz. "I'm saying, the only person's opinion that should matter to you Aubrey is yours. Not Chloe's, not your father's, not Charlie's, no one's. You'll only get hurt if you expect other people to be anything but the selfish motherfuckers we innately are."

"But that's impossible Beca. We may be innately selfish but we all innately seek love as well. Haven't you ever been in love?"

Beca scoffed, "Yeah and I'm still suffering the consequences. Love is just a prolonged suffering. Shoot me in the head, at least it'd be quicker than heartbreak."

Aubrey looked at Beca and couldn't help but feel the embers of attraction that had been previously burning dormant within her roar to life. Seeing Beca so forthcoming and somewhat vulnerable as she shared pieces of her made the brunette all the more attractive to her. That thought terrified her because she knew that if given the time and opportunity, she could fall in love with Beca. And if that were true she would hate to face the ramifications that Beca had spoken of if she were to do so. The consequences of falling in love that she was all too familiar with as a result of her tumultuous relationship with Charlie…it terrified her of falling in love with Beca and yet, she was still looking forward to the leap.

_If I'm alone in this  
I don't think I can face  
The consequences of falling_


	15. Chapter 14

_Dear Aubrey,_

_Thank you…I didn't quite realize how lonely I was spending my holidays by myself until I had someone to make realize just how lonely I was._

"Alright, I want you all to focus just on Chapter 6: Pearl. It's one of the more important chapters in Hawthorne's novel so try to not to leave this reading for the last ten minutes before class, ok." Dr. Reddy placed his book onto his desk and pulled out a large accordion folder from his bag. Reaching inside, he pulled out a stack of papers and handed them to the student seated in front of him.

"Pass those around." He waited a few seconds for the assignment sheet to reach a good portion of the class before he continued.

"I'm assigning a mini project—ok it's more than mini considering it will count for your midterm grade."

Beca thanked Jessica as she was handed the pile of paper, taking one sheet before passing it on. She glanced at the paper in her hand before turning her attention back to the older man at the front of the classroom.

"This will consist of two monologues which you will connect. You can connect them in any way you like but they _must_ connect in some way."

Jessica raised her hand and waited for Dr. Reddy to acknowledge her.

Dr. Reddy nodded in her direction. "Jessica."

"Can you give an example?"

Several students in the classroom nodded their heads in agreement.

"Ok, but if I give an example you cannot use this example. Agreed?" he waited for the class to nod their approval of his stipulation before taking a seat on the edge of his desk. "An example, uh…an example would be the first monologue of a thief and the pride he gets in his work while the second could show him reflecting upon his life in the first monologue when he's arrested and thrown in jail."

When another student inquired about the due date, Dr. Reddy pointed to the assignment sheet in his hand. "And here I thought this was an English class. But for all of you that suddenly lost your ability to read I will do it for you. The first monologue will be presented on the first. The second will be written and handed in for your final but you won't have to present it. However, if you choose to take American lit II with me, you will develop upon that second monologue which we will be a part of that final which you will also present. Any questions?" he asked, looking around the room for any raised hands. When he saw none he dismissed the class wishing them a good afternoon.

Beca looked over at Jessica as she packed her bag. "So tell me about LSU, are they any good?"

Jessica shrugged as she stood up, waiting for Beca to join her. "Well considering we lost to them last year, badly might I add, I'd say we have our work cut out for us tonight."

Beca went to respond but was interrupted by Dr. Reddy calling to her. Beca rolled her eyes wondering what he could possibly want.

"I'll meet you at the gym, ok?" she said to Jessica. The sophomore nodded her head and made her way out of the classroom.

Dr. Reddy waited for Jessica to leave before turning towards Beca. "You must be proud of yourself getting that A on your in-class essay. Ya know I don't give out such high marks often but I think you deserved it with what you wrote. Ya know, Rebeca—"

"Don't call me Rebeca." She snapped. The last person to call her that she'd kill if given the chance.

Dr. Reddy nodded his head, slightly surprised by the outburst but continued anyway. "Ok, Beca. Like I was saying, your in-class essay was excellent and in the rare instances you participate, your contributions are insightful and well thought out."

Beca tried not to roll her eyes as she looked at her professor. Crossing her arms in front of her, she shifted her weight from her left to her right foot. "I feel there's a 'but' coming."

Dr. Reddy chuckled, "Ya don't like to bullshit, I see. Well I asked you to stay behind because I'm concerned. Despite your excellent class work, you haven't done any of the homework, or the paper that was assigned. This is peculiar because it's _obvious_ that you read the book. Is everything alright outside of class?"

Beca rolled her eyes and sighed in annoyance. Of course he thought he had the right to ask her anything as if they knew each other beyond student and teacher. It seemed all teachers believed that having the title of educator gave them the right to also assume the roles of counselor and therapist. If she wanted either of those she would have stayed at the hospital instead of spending thousands of dollars here at Barden.

Remembering that Dr. Reddy was awaiting a response she looked up at the older man and tried to keep the scowl of irritation from her face. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, it's not just your failing grade but also some of your responses about the book in your essay—and in class in general—that have me concerned." Dr. Reddy reached out to place a hand on Beca's shoulder in comfort but she quickly moved out of the way of his hand. Dr. Reddy looked at her, concern evident on his face and the worry amplified by her reaction to his touch. "Beca, is someone hurting you?"

Beca took a step back, trying to hide the fear plaguing her face at his sudden question. As much as she tried to fight it, the memory grabbed her without mercy and before she could fight it, she was pulled into the prison of her mind.

_Officer Jones stood at the front of the classroom, using the small remote in his hand to maneuver through the PowerPoint presentation projected onto the screen behind him._

"_Now how many of you were taught by your parents the difference between good touches and bad touches?"_

_Beca watched as the kids around raise their hands and she felt compelled to raise hers too, even if it wasn't true. _

_The police officer smiled at the front of her sixth grade class, happy when all of the hands in the room shot up at his question. He nodded his approval and used the red laser on his remote to point to the words on the screen._

"_I'm glad. That makes my job easier knowing that I can talk to you all like the young adults you are."_

_Beca sunk down in her seat and rested her head on the desk in boredom, not wanting to hear any more of the presentation. She trained her eyes on the clock and watched the minutes tick by until she could leave. It wasn't that she didn't want to pay attention to officer jones. He was actually pretty funny, but she hated talking about anything that made her think of Julia. She didn't even understand why they needed to have this seminar—ok maybe she did. If she had known these thing in say first grade, she might have saved herself a lot of pain. She just hated that Julia—even if it was indirectly—managed to invade the one place she saw as a sanctuary. Julia taught at Roosevelt High School so Beca knew that from the hours of eight am to three pm, Julia couldn't reach her within the walls of Mercer Elementary School. _

_When the screen went black she let out a sigh of relief, glad that the class was over and she could go to lunch. She was starving. Today was Pizza Friday and she wanted to get in line first so she could talk the cafeteria lady into giving her all of the broken and burnt slices. In her day dreams of cheesy pizza she didn't realize the class had cleared out. _

_As she quickly shoved her notebook and pencils into her JanSport, Officer Jones walked over to her asking if she enjoyed the presentation. She shrugged._

"_It was ok, I guess."_

"_You guess, huh? Well I saw you with your head on the desk towards the end."_

"_Well I didn't feel like paying attention anymore." She said, not liking where this conversation was headed. He was supposed to be good at his job and she really hoped he wasn't _**too**_ good. She didn't need anyone thinking they knew anything about her. _

"_Did you have any questions about anything I said?"_

_Beca sighed as she pulled her book bag onto her back. She had a feeling if she didn't ask at least one question he wasn't going to let her leave. _

"_Ok, uh, you said that if you're being abused, you should tell an adult you trust like a parent. But what if the person that's hurting you is someone that takes care of you."_

_She tried to keep her face neutral as the officer studied her but as his brown eyes remained locked on hers she found her mask faltering._

"_Well, young lady, you tell another adult you trust so that they can contact police officers like me."_

_Beca rolled her eyes and stood up. She really wanted to get to the cafeteria. _

"_Look, I have to get to lunch."_

_Officer Jones extended his arm out to touch her shoulder but she quickly maneuvered out of his reach, not realizing until it was too late what her actions would convey to the officer._

"_Well let's talk for a few minutes. Afterwards I'll escort you to the front of the lunch line myself."_

_Beca groaned lightly as she flopped down in the chair next to her. _

_Officer Jones took a seat in the desk in front of her, spinning in the chair to sit backwards in order to face her. "Are there any other questions you want to ask?" _

_Deciding to just humor the older man she sighed and pretended to be genuinely curious. "So once they call the cops what happens after?"_

"_Well then we speak to the child about what happened and after he or she identifies who he is we arrest him."_

_Beca looked at him quizzically. It was interesting that he assumed that this "hypothetical" abuser was a man. Weren't woman just as capable of the same depraved and heinous acts that could destroy a child's life? "Him?"_

_Dr. Jones nodded his head, "Yeah. And as I said in the presentation it's usually someone the child knows. A father, a teacher, a coach. In cases like this, the child has to be brave so that he can be sent away to rot where he belongs." Shifting in his seat so that he was closer to beca he smiled at Beca and asked in a gentle voice, "Is there anything you want to tell me?" Seeing Beca shake her head quickly he decided upon a more direct question. "If someone is touching you inappropriately you can tell me and I'll make sure he never sees you again."_

_Beca fumbled with her fingers, suddenly nervous. She felt like she was being interrogated. She wondered if her teacher had said something to him. No, it probably was Mrs. Perry, the gym teacher. Beca had made the mistake of denying Julia and Julia didn't take to well to that. In a moment of carelessness as she changed for gym, Mrs. Perry saw the handprints Julia carelessly left when she pried Beca's legs open the night before. Beca had told the older woman that she had been in a fight and when she contacted Julia, her listed guardian, it seemed that Julia was able to work her charm and further explain away the bruises. At times like that Beca hated Julia's popularity within the small town. If Beca couldn't trust Mrs. Perry to save her in what was obviously a cry for help, why should this man be any different? Or worse, what if he didn't believe her? He assumed that child abusers were men and if she told him she was being abused by a woman, she didn't know how she would react if she was met with skepticism and disbelief. No, she wasn't going to put herself out there for further hurt and embarrassment. _

_Placing on her well-worn smile of false happiness, she shook her head and stood. "No sir, there's no man abusing me. It was just a question."_

Beca snatched her arm of Dr. Reddy's grasp, his hand having somehow found its way onto her arm during her mental fugue.

Dr. Reddy frowned at her and tried to stop her from leaving as she backed away towards the door. "Beca, I know it's—"

Beca shook her head profusely and seethed, "You don't know _anything!_" before leaving the room, the door slamming behind her in finality.

_I awoke  
only to find my lungs empty  
and through the night  
so it seems I'm not breathing_

Aubrey laid in Charlie's arms, glad to have the opportunity to just lay with her girlfriend. It felt as if it had been months since she was able to just lay with the soccer player and talk about inconsequential things like they used to without being required to have sex first. This wasn't to say she didn't enjoy sex with Charlie—because she did—but it was moments like this, where she could just lay in her arms listening to Charlie's heartbeat, that she felt more intimately connected with her girlfriend than she ever could sexually.

"Bumblebee?"

Aubrey titled her head to meet Charlie's eyes. "Yeah?"

"Did you tell your dad about our engagement?"

Aubrey sighed. She had been avoiding this question because she knew Charlie wouldn't like her answer. "No, not yet." She kept her voice light and nonchalant hoping that if she didn't bring too much weight to the topic Charlie wouldn't be upset with her. "I was thinking about telling them at Christmas."

"Why are you hiding it?" she asked, pulling herself from under Aubrey.

Aubrey scoffed and sat up to look at Charlie. "I'm not hiding out engagement. I—I just don't think it's something that I should tell them over the phone. You haven't even gotten me a ring yet."

Charlie glared at her, "is the stupid ring all you care about?"

Aubrey looked at her incredulously, offended that Charlie would dare question Aubrey's motives for accepting her proposal. "No! And I can't believe you would even ask me that."

Charlie rolled her eyes and Aubrey sighed in frustration. This was exactly the confrontation she wanted to avoid. She stood up and walked over to her neglected gym bag on her desk and resumed packing her uniform and sneakers into the bag.

Charlie swung her feet over the side of the bed and watched Aubrey in anger. "What are you doing?"

"I'm getting ready for my game." She continued to pack her bag, not wanting to say the wrong thing and risk angering Charlie even more.

Charlie stood up and grabbed her shoulder roughly, forcing her to turn around and face her. "No, I want to talk about this. Why won't you tell your father about the engagement?"

"Why are you so insistent upon my father knowing? It's like you proposed to impress him or something."

"That's not true. I want you to tell him because I think he should know."

Aubrey scoffed and turned back to her bag. Despite how convincing the brunette tried to be, she knew Charlie couldn't care less about her father's opinion. And it was because of her knowledge of Charlie's hatred of her father that she was completely perplexed about why Charlie wanted her father to know so badly.

"So, are you going to just ignore me?"

"I'm not in the mood to argue with you when you're acting like a toddler. I need to focus on my game."

"What did you call me?"

Aubrey's head shot up at the venomous tone in her girlfriend's voice and she turned around to apologize immediately but the words barely left her mouth before she was met with the hard impact of Charlie's hand. She was hit with enough force to knock her to the ground. The room spun slightly before stilling as she quickly scrambled to her feet.

She didn't take time to even acknowledge the stinging in her face or the copper liquid pooling in her mouth as she grabbed her gym bag. Charlie tried to grab her hand and apologize but Aubrey pushed her away roughly. She grabbed her keys off her dresser and quickly left the room wanting to be anywhere but in the presence of the woman she was beginning to hate.

_And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be  
and I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down_

_and I'm afraid  
To sleep because of what haunts me  
_

Beca sat in the locker room getting ready for the game. She was still reeling from her encounter with her Lit professor but she had managed to calm a little and put the incident to the back of her mind—at least for now.

"_I'm a broken man, I'm full of sin. I'm sick of all this hell that I'm livin' in."_ she sang softly to herself. She had her ear phones in, blasting Papa Roach, and she was in game mode. _"When you try to numb the pain with a thousand pills. You tore me down and wished that I was dead"_

She reached into her bag to grab her sweat socks chuckling to herself at the brand new pack of brunswick green Adidas socks. She remembered in high school a lot of the girls would make fun of the fact that she never wore the same pair of socks in a game twice. She said it gave her luck and she still believed it. She pulled her leg onto the bench and drew her knee towards her chest to access her foot more easily as she slipped on the first sock. As she moved to roll up the garment, her fingers grazed upon the raised skin of her ankles and lower calf. Of all of the mental and emotional reminders she had of what Julia had done to her, she despised the older woman for driving her to leave physical ones as well. She was surprised that after all those years of cutting—from the age of twelve to the time she was admitted to the hospital— she hadn't run out of room on the only canvas of her body she could hide.

If she thought really hard, she was sure she could remember what drove her to slice the X-Acto knife she'd stolen from the art room across her skin each time and they all began and ended with Julia Matthews.

The door to the locker room opened and she quickly rolled up her sock before grabbing the other and pulling it onto her foot just as quickly. The last thing she needed was yet _another_ person asking questions. She slipped on her sneakers, leaning over to tie her laces as she watched the door inconspicuously to see who had entered the room.

Aubrey rushed into the gym and walked over to her locker. Beca watched her struggle to open her combination lock before sitting on a bench, defeated after several tries. It was obvious that something was wrong with the blonde and she stood to see exactly what had upset the blonde. As she grabbed her bag, she began to make her way to the front of the room where the blonde sat and as she got closer she couldn't help but smirk at how much their relationship had changed since Thanksgiving. She actually considered the senior a friend and where that would have appalled her just a week ago, she found it felt good that she didn't have to hate the blonde—hating people was a lot of hard work.

Unfortunately, just before she reached her, the locker room door opened and Coach Abernathy poked her head in.

"Oh, Beca, good. I was looking for you."

Aubrey's head whipped around at the mention of Beca being in the room and when Aubrey saw the brunette standing behind her, she quickly wiped at her eyes. Beca's eyes narrowed at the tears she tried to hide that were falling down an enflamed cheek.

Coach Abernathy waved to Aubrey before turning her attention back to Beca. "Beca can I speak to you for a moment?"

Beca looked between the two blondes conflicted on who to choose. As much as she wanted to stay with Aubrey, she knew that she had to see Abernathy. With a sigh and a regretful look to her friend, she turned and exited the locker room.

Coach Abernathy smiled at her and they turned to walk towards the gym.

"So, Beca. I was thinking that I'm going to start you this game in place of Lily."

Beca looked at the older woman in shock. She didn't expect to start for a while, nonetheless the second game. "Wow, uh, I don't know what to say."

Gail looked at her and smiled, "You don't have to say anything. I just want you to go out there and play the way you've been playing."

Beca nodded, unable to keep the smile from her face. "Wow, thanks coach."

"It's no problem. You've earned it. Just try not to get into another scuffle with my lead point guard." She joked.

Beca blushed in embarrassment as she nodded. Coach Abernathy bid her goodbye, telling her she'd see her in the gym and Beca nodded. She was sure Chloe was going to get a kick out of this when she told her.

_Such as living with the uncertainty  
That I'll never find the words to say  
Which would completely explain  
Just how I'm breaking down_

Aubrey sat on the cushioned chairs in the gym waiting for the referees to start the time on the clock so that they could begin warming up.

She glanced down at her cellphone in her hand, agonizing over whether or not she should hit send on the text message on her screen. She had been sitting here for over five minutes just staring at her phone wondering if she was making the right decision. She loved Charlie, she really did but maybe what Chloe said was right. Maybe she wouldn't change.

She read over the message on her screen once more before hitting send.

"_When you proposed to me Charlie, there was nothing I wanted more than to be your wife. I've wanted that for a while and when you asked me it was a dream come true. But after today, when you hit me again for something as trivial as comparing you to a toddler, I realized that maybe it would be unwise and misguided to rush to the altar. I'm not giving up on our relationship, Charlie, because I love you. You're the only woman I've ever loved. You captured my heart at thirteen and never let it go and as much as I love the idea of being your fiancé, there are just too many problems within our relationship that I can't simply ignore anymore and they need to be fixed before we can even think about marriage. I love you Charlie but I just don't think I'm ready to be your wife."_

As soon as the small swoosh sound rang from her phone speaker signaling that the message was sent she wiped at a lone tear that involuntarily fell from her eyes. She quickly turned her phone off and when she turned to put it in her bag she was met with an ice pack being held out in front of her.

She slowly looked up and saw Beca on the other end of the ice pack and she smiled softly. Beca smirked at her and motioned for her to take the ice but Aubrey was still slightly shocked. Beca rolled her eyes at her hesitation and sat down next to her, holding the ice to her bruised face.

Aubrey closed her eyes as the soothing cool met her face and she exhaled lightly. "Thank you." She breathed out airily. Her eyes opened and topaz eyes met sapphire. They held each other's gaze and the moment of intimacy they had during the holiday was rekindled. Beca cleared her throat awkwardly and motioned behind Aubrey to no one in particular. "I—I need to see coach." she stood up wanting to get away from Aubrey. That feeling she got in her stomach when she was near Aubrey—the same feeling she felt during Thanksgiving—was back and it was confusing as hell.

Aubrey took the ice pack in her hand and looked at Beca in confusion. That familiar scent of booze on Beca's breath met her nose and she couldn't help but wonder why Beca was drinking before the game. Her instinct told her to call Beca out on doing something so reckless but she knew she shouldn't jump to conclusions. She had prematurely judged Beca before and was completely wrong. Besides, Beca didn't seem to be inebriated. She concluded that she would talk to her after the game.

"Thank you for the ice." She said, gesturing to the ice pack in her hand.

Beca shrugged and began to back away in the direction of Coach Abernathy. "It's no big deal."

Aubrey smiled softly before her eyes fell downward to rewrap the paper towel on the icepack.

"Aubrey?"

She looked up curiously. Beca took a few steps forward and met her eye. She reached out and gently ran her thumb over Aubrey's bruised cheek and said, "I would do it again, you know," before turning back around and walking away for good.

Aubrey's eyebrows wrinkled in confusion as she tried to figure out what Beca meant. What could the freshman have possibly done before that had concerned her? Before the holiday they barely even talked outside of practice and even then they didn't talk, they argued. The only other conversation they had that didn't pertain to basketball was the time Aubrey yelled at Beca for…

Beating up Charlie.

Aubrey looked over to where Beca stood laughing with Chloe and smiled softly. She didn't want to encourage Beca's violence but it felt good knowing Beca felt the need to protect her. She watched the small brunette and as if she knew Aubrey was watching her, she looked in her direction. Their eyes met and Beca smiled at her before her attention was drawn away by Chloe.

She placed her ice pack at her face and couldn't help the euphoric feeling burning in her chest from the smile Beca gave her. She might have been imagining it but somehow she felt like Beca reserved that smile for her and because she believed that she couldn't help but feel that maybe, just maybe, she wasn't the only one feeling this.

_Someone come and  
someone come and save my life  
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead_

Beca never thought she'd want a basketball game to end as much as she wanted this one to reach its final second. LSU was a _very_ tall team that loved playing rough and Abernathy kept her in the game for ninety percent of the game. She didn't mind because she loved playing and loved the challenge of playing against tough competition but the bit of booze she had after class had made her slow and lethargic. And as the mid-way point of the fourth quarter approached, she wanted nothing more than to go home and crawl into her bed.

They were up by two and even that last layup Beca had to fight for. When the two post players in purple crashed down on her as she entered the paint for the layup, she held onto the ball, tucking it into her chest waiting for her opportunity. She pump faked the shot and when the two took the bait she shot for the two.

Now Beca stood on the wing in their 1-3-1 defense guarding the LSU guard who had a good five or six inches on her. LSU's lead point guard called out their team play and Beca watched with attentive eyes as the guard dribbled left before crossing over on Aubrey and bounce passing the ball to the girl Beca guarded. If you asked Beca, she got really lucky when she managed to steal the ball. It wasn't even her intention when the ball was passed. She just happened to take a step left and the ball hit her calf. Quickly realizing what had happened she hit the ball out of the reach of the LSU player and ran to catch up to it, dribbling it down the court. The LSU player that had been guarding Aubrey ran up to her and tried to cut her off but Beca spotted Aubrey to her left and the two continuously passed the ball as they ran down court playing the guard in purple in a 2 on 1 until Aubrey received the ball at the post and took the shot.

Beca pointed at Aubrey with a wide smile on the good shot and Aubrey rolled her eyes but smirked nonetheless as they ran to get back on defense.

The game ended after a very rough and nail biting final two minutes. Stacie and Fat Amy had to fight for every layup they made and Aubrey, Chloe, and Beca had to claw their way around the defense to get off passes. Chloe managed to get off two consecutive threes in the final thirty seconds. The first coming after cutting to and from the basket repeatedly to confuse the girl guarding her. She caught the ball and had zero seconds to hesitate before she released the ball. When LSU brought the ball down Chloe managed to steal and quickly pushed the ball down court. However instead of going for the layup she stopped at the three point line and took the shot. The sound of Abernathy screaming at Chloe for forgoing the layup for the unguaranteed three rang throughout the gym as the ball hit the rim and toppled into the basket.

The game ended after that, 68-65. Beca slapped the hand of the last girl on LSU's team and grabbed her water bottle wanting to get home as soon as possible. She was afraid she'd collapse in exhaustion if she stayed around any longer.

She went into the locker room and washed her face before taking a seat on one of the benches as coach Abernathy debriefed the game. By the time the older woman had finished telling them what she thought of their performance and tearing Chloe a new one for that risky shot at the end, Beca's energy tank was on E.

"Hey Beca?"

The brunette pulled out one of her ear buds and looked over from where she was pulling on her warm up pants. "Yeah, wassup?"

Chloe walked over to her and sat on the bench near her locker. "We lost to LSU in the playoffs last year and we think our win tonight deserves a bit of celebration."

Beca chuckled and closed her locker, securing the lock. "You know coach doesn't like us drinking during the season."

Chloe shrugged "We can still celebrate."

"Without alcohol." Stacie chimed in from where she stood in just her underwear by the sinks fixing her hair.

Beca scratched the back of her neck nervously and looked at the team who were watching her waiting for a response.

"Uh, I don't think that's a good idea."

Aubrey looked over from where she was pulling on her jeans and smirked, "What, have you never gone to celebrate a win?"

"I, uh…"

_Her mother never let her have chocolate ice cream—as of lately she barely gave her food. Now, however, she was staring at a large bowl of the frozen treat—and it was the fancy stuff because it was organic and from whole foods where her mommy told her only "stuck up bitches" shopped. She wondered what a 'bitch' was but her mother was so angry when she said it she didn't dare ask lest she be hit again. She watched as Julia placed not two, but three scoops into the bowl, as a reward for scoring the winning basket in the game. _

"_Enjoy, honey." She said as she passed the glass bowl to the eight year, her thumb coming to her mouth as she licked off the bit of ice cream that made its way onto her finger. _

"_I can have all of this?" she asked in disbelief and Julia chuckled as she nodded her head. _

"_Yup. It's all for you little one. You did such a good job—"  
A loud slamming of the front door interrupted her and she jumped slightly at the loud noise. "Stay right here and eat you ice cream, honey. I'll be right back."_

_Beca nodded, too preoccupied with the frozen desert in front of her. She didn't pay much attention when the conversation became an argument between the adults in the next room but she couldn't ignore her name when Julia mentioned her._

"_Keep your voice down. Rebecca's in the kitchen." The older woman whispered furiously._

"_You've got to be fucking kidding me. You actually brought her here?" _

_Beca recognized the voice of Mr. Robert, Julia's husband. He always was so nice to Beca and the anger stemming from his voice now was unsettling._

"_What was I supposed to do? I told you about her home life."_

"_Well call a fucking social worker. You work at a high school, talk to that counselor you always invite to dinner. Rose, I think was her name."_

"_You know why I can't do that."_

"_What? Afraid, she'll take Beca away before you can get your hands on her."_

"_That's—that's not true. I just think it's best if I were the one to help her. She doesn't know Rose as well as she knows me."  
There was silence before Beca heard Mr. Robert let out a loud sigh of frustration and what sounded like his arms dropping to his side. "I feel so fucking stupid."_

"_What are you talking about, Robert?" Beca could hear the annoyance in Julia's voice and she wondered what had upset her._

"_Thinking you actually meant that bullshit you told me before we got married."_

_There was silence before Julia's voice interrupted the silence. "I did mean it," she said calmly. _

"_I'm not an idiot, Julia. I see the way you look at her. You told me it was a onetime thing with that girl Em- something, Emily, Emory, I don't remember. But the point is you said she was just a player, nothing more."_

"_But Rebecca is just a player on the team. I—I don't think of her—I don't think of her that way."  
"when you told me about your—your preference I stayed with you because you said you learned to control it. That you didn't have those thoughts anymore but I'm not going to stay here like an idiot if you're just gonna continue doing that." _

_Julia's desperate voice cried out, "I promise, I won't touch her. She's just a player, I swear, honey. I promise."_

_There was a period of silence before Robert stormed into the kitchen, not even acknowledging beca as he walked over to the stairs and ascended them. Beca could see Julia's arms wrapped around her body as one hand came up to run through her hair. She wasn't quite sure what all of the argument meant but she had ice cream and right now that was all that mattered._

Aubrey watched Beca retreat into her mind. To everyone else it looked as if she was thinking about her response but she was becoming all too familiar with the signs of Beca's dissociation. Chloe reached out to touch and Aubrey nearly ran to stop her lest she garner the reaction she had when she disturbed Beca in the bathroom, but Beca seemed to snap out of her state and forced a smile that everyone believed but Aubrey.

"No thanks guys. I think I'm just going to head home."

Aubrey took a seat on the bench near her and pulled out a notepad. She watched Beca quickly leave the locker room before jotting down several notes on what she had witnessed. The way certain things triggered flashbacks that resulted in violent outbursts while other times she stared blankly into space before seeming to just 'snap' out of it. She made note to research whether or not the particular memory triggered determined the type of reaction she would have coming out of the fugue. As she finished jotting down the points that had just come to mind she couldn't help but feel slightly guilty for what she was doing. She was essentially violating Beca's privacy.

However as she packed away her notepad and finished dressing she managed to convince herself that by doing her term paper on Beca she could learn the best way to help the brunette. It was a sound reason and for a moment she actually believed it.

_But now it's like the night is taking sides  
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind  
Could it be this misery will suffice?  
_

Beca walked into her living room freshly showered holding her mail and her Beats by Dre Pill XL. Placing the speaker onto her coffee table she took a seat to sort through the mail that had been delivered while she was in class and didn't have the time to check before her game.

"Junk…junk…more junk," she muttered to herself, throwing the various flyers advertising random campus events into the trash bin on the side of the couch. When she reached the small personal envelope she paused. Seeing the postage mark from NY she knew it could only be from one of two people. The return address was her home address and she looked at the letter curiously wondering why her mother had written a letter when she could have just called her. With a shrug she opened the letter and she was immediately filled with her anger. Her thumb ghosted over the familiar calligraphy that spelled out her name and she wanted to kill Julia for deceiving her.

_Rebeca, I see you have changed your number. It's not like it matters anyway, you stopped returning my calls a long time ago. I know you're upset that I've fooled you into believing this was a letter from your mother but I really wanted to speak to you. I like to think we ended on better terms than your behavior would leave one to believe. If I'm being honest, it hurts my feelings knowing that you can just pack up and throw away everything we shared. _

_Anyway, I should stop this before you throw this in the trash, if you haven't already. The real reason I sent this letter is because it's the only way I know how to reach you. I put your name on it and sent it to the campus with a Hail Mary hoping they somehow forwarded it to you. I—I really don't have the courage to go to your mother's house and try to contact you through her. I never really liked that woman although I'm not sure why since I've only met her a handful of times. Maybe it's my protectiveness of you…I still remember how she treated you, but I digress. The holiday is coming soon and I wanted to__remind you that you're welcome here. I may have a few of the girls over but they never stay long. They all have their own families to spend Christmas with. You might think this sounds ridiculous but after Robert left, you were the only family I had left. _

_I'm not trying to guilt you into coming here because I know one thing and that's no one can make you do anything you don't want to do. I'm just extending the invitation. _

_Please think about it, blackbird._

_For me, please think about it._

_Julia._

Beca ripped at the piece of paper enraged as angry tears pooled from her eyes. "You bitch!" she screamed as she threw the paper shreds to the floor. She quickly grabbed her phone and dialed the number that she would never forget no matter how hard she tried. How dare she write to her under the guise of her mother after Beca made it clear she didn't want anything to do with her?

She went to hit send but within a moment of clarity she realized that by calling Julia, the older woman would have her number. She cried out in anguish, doubling over in pain.

_Julia pulled Beca closer, urging her to go faster. Beca, trapped within the safety of her mind, numbly complied and was met with a groan of approval from the woman under her until she felt the tell-tale signs of the woman's impending climax. Her nails dug into the thirteen year old's back, crushing into her thirty five year old body one that had yet to see its first period. Thrusting her hips to meet Beca's she cried out "God, Blackbird! I love you! I love you!"_

"I hate you! I fucking hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" She screamed out, spit flying from her mouth as she cried out in the empty room. She tucked her head between her arms and clasped her hands over the back of her neck trying to calm down. She was failing and she could feel the red haze of rage clouding her thoughts and vision.

She fell to the floor and blindly searched for the only thing she knew could help her. Her hands searched desperately under the couch cushions for her bottle of liquid numbness wanting desperately to push down the memories in a wave of alcohol.

"Where the fuck is it?" she yelled in frustration. When her hand touched the glass bottle under the couch she sighed in relief and quickly pulled off the top, taking into her mouth as much as it would hold.

Why did Julia have this effect on her? She didn't have to do anything but write words on a piece of paper and she had reduced Beca to a sobbing mess.

She sat back against the couch and drank mouthful after mouthful hoping it would be enough to knock her out and she wouldn't have to wake up…ever. She drank away her sorrows and she felt pathetic. Was this what life was going to amount to? Her drinking away her pain, being stuck in this horrible excuse for a life with no hope of even a moment's escape for fear someone would _notice?_ That wasn't a way to live; that was just a way to survive. And for once in her life Beca desperately wanted to do more than just _make it _through; yet every time she saw hope for something better, it seemed it was merely an illusion. She hated that more than anything.

The music blaring from her portable speaker was becoming a grating siren in her ears and she needed it to stop.

"_I have these thoughts so often I ought to replace that slot."_

"Shut up!" she screamed but the music kept going. She took another sip of whiskey and sobbed, pleading for the music to stop. Something that usually brought her comfort was nothing but salt in a gaping wound. "Please…" she whimpered as she crawled over to where the speaker sat.

She picked it up, the sound of Tyler Joseph's voice mocking her. "_Cause somebody stole  
my car radio."_ With a shrieking cry she threw the speaker at the wall, Joseph's voice crackling from the broken electronic, "_And Now I just sit in silence" _before going dead and leaving her on the floor enveloped in _silence_.

She could feel another wave of memories flooding past her subconscious into her conscious mind and she felt like she was going to be sick.

She crawled to the bathroom with the bottle of booze still in her hand and made her way over to the toilet. She had barely made it as all of the alcohol she had just ingested came burrowing back up her throat and into her mouth before being expelled into the porcelain bowl bellow her. She couldn't fight anymore and was exhausted from trying. Once she was reduced to simply dry heaving she sat back against the tub next to the toilet wiping lingering vomit from her mouth with the back of her shirt sleeve. Just when she thought she'd vomited away all that was hurting her, the weight returned a blackness that began to descend down over her, mocking her with false safety before gleaming madness stirred. "Please…no…" she whimpered with her eyes clenched shut as she tried to fight the force pulling her into the darkness.

_Her knees hurt, being on them for so long. She would question the intelligence of the architect that designed the school but she doubted he had in mind her doing this when he decided upon the tile for the floor. She'd been under Julia's desk for close to an hour and honestly, her jaw was starting to get tired. How did women have sex for this long? Well, she figured when you actually enjoyed pleasuring your partner—which she currently wasn't—it probably didn't feel like such a chore. She had managed to make Julia cum a long time ago but the older woman wasn't satisfied with the quick release and made her continue. The soft moans stemming from the woman under her were like sirens in her ears, making her cringe as if they were nails on a chalkboard. Oh, how she hated that fucking sound she made.  
Julia's hands were buried in her hair as she pulled the 14 year old closer. _

"_Just like that, honey." She moaned and reached down to grab Beca's hands, placing it on her right breast that was exposed through her open shirt. "I wish your insolent poor excuse for a mother didn't forbid me from seeing you over spring break." She let out a long moan, "a week is too long to be away from you. I missed you every day."_

_Beca rolled her eyes and continued, wanting to quickly get Julia off so that she could leave. Speaking of which, when in the hell is the bell going to ring? The class period should be over. Almost, as if someone heard her thoughts, the bell sounded throughout the room. Beca quickly pulled her tongue out of Julia and quickly moved to get away. The older woman had other plans in mind, however. Instead of releasing her hold on Beca's hair, she tightened her grasp and guided the teen's face back between her legs. _

"_I'll write you a late pass, just don't stop." She moaned desperately. "I'm almost there." _

Beca took the broken shards of glass from where she'd dropped her bottle of Jack. She lifted her shirt sleeve and held the broken glass to her forearm. She pressed down but just before she drew blood an idea came to her. . She crawled over to the sink and pulled herself up until she was staring herself in the face. The memory of Julia forcing her to do all of those _things_ to her still playing in her mind. Grabbing a fistful of her hair, she used the jagged glass shard to cut the brown locks. She could still feel Julia's nails scraping against her scalp as she pulled her hair tighter. She just wanted to be rid of all of it so she cut and cut until her arm grew tired.

Dropping the bloody shard, it landed in the sink below and Beca looked up at her reflection in disdain.

"_Oh my beautiful blackbird. No one will ever love you like me."_

Her palm whipped through the air and connected instantly with the distorted reflection of the mirror. Shards of glass shattered and they dropped to the sink and floor below like tears of ice. The sound echoed throughout the room and mixed with her shallow breaths and sobs. The only other sound to be heard was the simple dripping of blood from her cuts on her hand onto the tile below. She stood, taking a few steps forward until she could feel the glass biting into the soles of her feet—the pain being the only thing keeping her connected to the earth. Each individual piece of glass held a starling reflection of the shell of a person she had become and she hated it. She hated every bit of herself instead of the woman who'd hurt her and it made her hate herself that much more.

_I've become  
A simple souvenir of someone's kill  
And like the sea  
I'm constantly changing from calm to ill_

Aubrey stood outside of Beca's Brownstown knocking for what had to be the fifth time. After trying again without response she decided to see if the door was unlocked. She knew Beca was home because the lights were on and she really couldn't return home without talking to Beca about being so reckless as to drink before the game. Her hand twisted the door knob and it the door opened to her chagrin.

She closed the door and turned to call out for Beca but her words caught in her throat at the sight of Beca passed out on the floor cradling a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Dried blood stained her face and from where she stood she could see fresh crimson liquid pooling from the brunette's hands. She immediately walked over to Beca's unconscious body, abandoning the carton of chocolate ice cream by the door a she dropped to her knees to check to see if Beca was still breathing. Feeling a steady pulse she exhaled in relief before lifting Beca and depositing her onto the couch.

She bandaged up Beca's hand with a first aid kit she found in the bathroom before wiping away the blood on her face from what she figured stemmed from the brunette's wounded hand. Afterwards she went about cleaning up the mess she assumed Beca had made as a reaction to whatever cause her to cut her hand and get black out drunk in the first place. She walked into the kitchen and searched for a garbage bag, finding one a few moments later under the sink. However as she reached for the box of trash bags her eyes caught sight of a glass bottle filled with clear liquid. Reaching out for the bottle, she grabbed it and pulled it from under the sink and into the path of the light above her so she could read the label. It was a bottle of gin. She glanced around the kitchen curiously and began to search for what she knew were other bottles hidden in the apartment. Nearly an hour later she had found seven bottles of various types of hard liquor. Seeing all of the bottles creatively hidden in various places throughout the apartment including in the garbage can under the trash bag, she realized a harsh truth. Beca was an alcoholic, that much was obvious and she knew as Beca's friend—even if they'd only been friends for a couple of days—that she should get her help. So, she gathered all of the bottles she had found and she sat each one of them on the coffee table in the living room. She took a seat on the opposite end of the couch from where Beca lay asleep and got comfortable, prepared to wait until the brunette awoke.

_Madness fills my heart and soul  
as if the great divide could swallow me whole  
oh, how I'm breaking down_

Sweat clung to Beca's body and tears clung to her eyes. Her throat completely raw as she kicked away the suffocating cover.

"Beca…" a hand reached out and touched hers causing her to jump and nearly fall from the bed.

Her eyes raked over her surroundings noticing all of her booze on the coffee table before she landed on Aubrey sitting on the opposite end of the couch. With a sigh she pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face in her hands.

"What are you doing here?"

"For some reason, I couldn't enjoy the ice cream without our lead scorer." Aubrey tried to joke and lighten the mood. The last thing she wanted was for Beca to become too uncomfortable and to shut down.

"How did you get in?"

"The door was unlocked."

Beca sighed and rested her head on her knees.

"You were drunk at the game." Aubrey said causing Beca to freeze.

"So? It's no big deal."

"It doesn't seem like 'no big deal' Beca." She said gesturing to her bandaged hand and the bottles of alcohol on the table in front of them. "How often do you drink?" she asked.

Beca looked away from her, refusing to meet her eye and the question lingering in the air like an omen for what felt like hours but in reality was only a few minutes. Realizing Aubrey wasn't going to give up until she gave an answer, she sighed heavily and shrugged, "I don't know."

"Well how many bottles of alcohol do you drink in a day?"

"I don't know, Aubrey!" she snapped. Seeing the blonde recoil at her outburst she sighed, her hand running through her sweat slicked hair. "It depends. Sometimes I don't drink at all and other times I can drink two or three bottles…I don't know what you want me to say."

Aubrey looked at the brunette, concern filling her eyes. "I don't expect you to say anything…I just—Beca you need help."

Beca scoffed and looked at her. "And what? You're going to help me?" she retorted sarcastically.

Aubrey watched the brunette scoot away from her on the couch and hug her knees to her chest again. She wanted to reach out and touch the freshman but she knew immediately that it would be a bad idea. After some time she answered Beca's question trying to convey as much sincerity as possible, "If you'll let me."

Beca didn't respond at first and Aubrey was afraid that the brunette hadn't even heard her. After several long minutes spent in silence Beca slowly turned to look at Aubrey, unshed tears coating her eyes.

"I—I'm afraid to stop." She admitted, her voice thick with emotion. What would happen if the one thing that's de her forget was taken away from her. She'd rather die than remember just how close she was with Julia.

"I understand but I'll help you."

Beca looked at her, trying to read her eyes for any signs of deception or dishonesty. When she found nothing but genuine concern and sincerity she slowly nodded her head. "Ok…I—I'll let you help me but only if you do something for me."

"Anything."

"Stop dyeing your hair."

Aubrey's eyes widened in surprise, not expecting that request. Her instinct was to say no but looking at Beca and the miserable state she was in—her hair matted in blood, her hand bandaged and bloodied—she knew she couldn't deny her.

"O—Ok." she said.

Beca smiled softly at her and Aubrey smiled back, both women feeling that they were headed down an unknown path afraid of where it might lead but certain they'd face it together.

"Beca, how about I help you fix your hair?"

Beca reached up and felt her head, chuckling at the butchered state her hair was in. She agreed and allowed Aubrey to lead her into her bedroom. After washing her hair, she sat in her computer chair in front of her floor mirror waiting for Aubrey to return from Cynthia Rose's dorm in hopes of borrowing her hair shears.

Aubrey returned to the room nearly ten minutes later with a plastic bag filled with what she assumed were the cutting tools Aubrey needed. As she set up the equipment, Beca watched her curiously. "How did you learn to cut hair?"

Aubrey stood up from where she was crouched over trying to plug in the cable of the hair clippers into the socket behind Beca's desk.

"You don't grow up in a house with eight brothers and not learn. Besides, my brother Wesley went through this emo phase and was constantly cutting his hair," she responded, turning on the machine and filling the room with a soft hum. Her fingers grazed throughout Beca's hair surveying the damage that had been done. In some places there were close to ten or twelve inches of hair while in others places Beca had nearly cut down to the scalp. "You really did a number on your hair."

Beca looked away in embarrassment and decided not to offer any type of explanation. She doubted she could give a sound reason anyway. She instead opted to watch Aubrey in the mirror as the blonde styled her hair.

"You know, I cut her my hair once before."

"Oh really? When?" Aubrey asked, glancing up quickly to look at Beca in the mirror before returning to focus on what she was cutting.

"Yeah. It was back in the hospital. Something about lice." Beca hadn't even realized that she mentioned the hospital and the questions it would be garner until Aubrey asked,

"Why were you in the hospital?"

The blonde must have realized how invasive her question was because she quickly opened her mouth to retract her question, telling her she didn't have to answer. Beca looked at her panicked face in the mirror in amusement before saying, "it's alright…I—I got upset one night and chased a bottle of pills with a bottle of vodka." She titled her head so that Aubrey could have better access to the nape of her neck. "I was there— I was there for 6 months before they gave up on trying to figure out why I did it. 6 whole months. I guess I wasn't worth the effort." She shrugged to make it appear as if she was indifferent to what she had said despite the fact that it still hurt to this day to think about her stay at Mercy. "After I left the hospital, I had a choice, go back to New York with my mother or come here. I guess at least here I wouldn't have to deal with the thing that had me pushing 30 pills down my throat in the first place."

She could see Aubrey trying to hold back any reaction as she focused on cutting her hair. For that she was glad. She didn't want to answer any specific questions. She found opening up to Aubrey was easier than it had been in the past but she didn't think she was ready for a full out interrogation.

Aubrey continued to cut her hair in silence and then she suddenly stopped, gasping "Oh my god."

"What's wrong?"

Aubrey looked at Beca, horror written all over her face as their blue eyes met in the mirror. "The first day of practice, I said…"

Beca had a feeling Aubrey would remember that day and she knew it would be unfair to still harbor anger towards her over it. "Yeah, don't worry about."

Aubrey shook her head, "No. I feel like such an asshole now."

"Seriously, don't worry about it. You didn't know."

Aubrey sighed and continued to look at Beca in the mirror, debating on whether or not to drop the topic. After about a minute of internal debate, she picked up the comb from where she sat it on the stool next to her and resumed styling the brunette's hair. After a few moments of silence she looked up and met Beca's eye once again in the mirror.

"If it means anything, I—I'm glad you survived."

Beca looked at their reflections and smiled, "Me too."

_oooohhh my life  
Someone come and, someone come and save my life (save my life)  
Someone come and, someone come and save my life (save my life)  
Someone come and, someone come and save my life  
Could it be this misery will suffice?_


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

The Missing Piece I've Tried to Find

_Dear my future child,_

_I sat in the park today and I saw this woman with her kid—a little girl. The mom couldn't have been much old than me, maybe thirty. She chased the little girl around pretending to struggle to catch her before she scooped the little girl into her arms and spun her around. It made me wonder would I ever want a child. I mean, my family was shit and I when I was younger I wanted to have my own. I'd love to have kids. It's just…what if Julia damaged me beyond repair? What if there's this timer waiting to go off and I end up hurting you? I could—would never forgive myself. If you ever come to exist I don't think I'd ever hold you or hug you because what if that's the trigger? _

_What am I saying? I'll never have a kid. I'll probably be a shit parent anyway. But…if by some chance I do have a kid—have you—I want to apologize now because I will never be the mother you'll need._

"Alright, I think we have time for two more monologues. Anyone want to go next?" Dr Reddy asked, marking down notes in his grade book about the student that had just presented. Jessica raised her hand and when Dr. Reddy nodded at her, she grabbed her monologue and walked to the front of the classroom.

She looked over to the older man and waited for his cue that she could begin.

"Any time you're ready."

Jessica nodded and took a deep breath. "Uh, hi. I'm J-Jessica and the name of my monologue is Lasers, the Olympics, and Walmart Parking Lots." She looked around the room to make sure she had everyone's attention before beginning.

"_Osteosarcoma. That's what they say I have…osteosarcoma. Sounds like some kind of science fiction laser. My osteosarcoma is set for kill. Just give the word Captain and I will vaporize the alien beast. 'Course it's not from Star Trek or Star Wars or Star Blazers. It's from real life. But like  
one of those types of movies it seems like some kind of alien. It snuck inside my body and lied dormant below my skin waiting to eat at my bones. It's no secrets that it's set for kill either. Osteosarcoma. Is the probably the worst type of tumor you can get…it might not be but hey I have it so it's the worst fucking cancer out there from my perspective. To make it worse, I wasn't lucky enough to only have one little tumor. Instead I got a cluster of the damn things like they were sold in bulk at Costco. Three for one special on tumors, aisle 3." _She chuckled bitterly, assuming the role of the speaker in her monologue._ "Every time I had an MRI they managed to find a new one. So three operations and a ride on the radiation rollercoaster later, I'm still here. It's strange the way people treat you when you're dying. My mom tries to pretend nothing's wrong... Maybe that's for the best. Recently a doctor told me I should consider putting my estate in order. Estate in order! What's that? Some clothing, my computer, and a beat up bicycle. I'm not going to be leaving a whole lot behind to prove I was here." _She paused, pretending to be deep in thought before her head lifted suddenly, a look of realization on her face._ "I do have my old running sneakers. They have to be worth something with all of the "could've beens," "if onlys" and 'potential marred by illness' they're doused in. Cancer! Surgeries. _

_You wouldn't believe how hard it was in high school to deal with all that crap. You wouldn't believe how hard it was for a girl with no hair to find a date to the prom. Nobody asked me. Nope...Nobody wanted to take the bald chick out. No big deal. It really sucks being a popular athlete and then suddenly being no one…" _She looked down at the ground, really allowing herself to channel all of her saddest memories in order to accurately convey the sadness her character felt. She didn't speak for several seconds before pretending to harshly wipe away a tear and shrugging in indifference._ "I ended up having to hire someone to go with me...Nah, I'm just kidding. Actually I ended up asking Henry Pewtermen. The guy had glasses that were about a foot thick and he still couldn't see. On the night of the prom he complimented me on my hair. I didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't have any." _She brushed her fingers through her hair and pulled out a number of strands. She looks at the hair for a moment, then laughed._ "Well, I'm still alive." _

_Beca sat in the back of the room really impressed with Jessica's monologue so far. She wondered how the sophomore had managed to pull off that trick of making her hair look as if it were actually dead hair from her scalp. Just listening to Jessica's one man play, she knew some part of this was autobiographical._

"_Most people are fortunate enough not to know when they are going to die." _She laughed before continuing with,_ "The Grim Reaper just pops up one day to say hey, and the next thing ya' know, your heart's exploded inside your chest. Bang! Didn't even see it coming. Man that would be cool. None of this you've got seven years to live shit. As soon as some asshole tells ya' somethin' like that, you immediately begin to count down backwards. Seven years, six years, five years, four, three, two, one! Bang! Next thing ya' know you're getting horny over a coupla' naked angels. Christ! They gave me seven months, not years. None of you understand what I'm feeling. Most twenty year olds feel like they're gonna live forever. You think you have your whole life planned out. School, work, marriage, kids, two cars, a house and a dog. Things don't always work out that way. Before you know it, you're thirty without parts of your body that you never missed until they were gone. So much for the American fuckin' dream." _She scoffed as she waved to some imaginary retreating object_, "So long Olympics, but hey," _she reached into her pocket and held out a handicap park sign_, "At least I can park closer to Walmart now."_

Applause sounded throughout the small seminar room as Jessica smiled in appreciation. Dr. Reddy stood from where he was leaning against the smart board on the left side of the room and walked over to her. He clapped his hands as he congratulated her on a job well done. "That was really a great piece of writing you have there, young lady. I really think with a few minor adjustments you'd have yourself a quality piece of literature on your hands. I definitely would like to talk to you at a later time about possibly submitting it to the school's literary journal."

Jessica beamed at the compliment and thanked him as she walked back to her seat next to Beca in the back of the classroom.

Dr. Reddy quickly jotted down his initial thoughts on Jessica's presentation in his grade book before turning back to look at his class.

"Alright. One more. Any volunteers?"

No one raised their hand and Dr. Reddy chuckled, "if no one volunteers I'm gonna have to choose someone and I'm sure none of you want that."

All of the students looked at each other nervously trying to urge each other to volunteer. Dr. Reddy watched his class in amusement for a few seconds waiting for a hand to be lifted into the air. When none came he sighed. "Ok. Well I'm gonna choose for you." He looked around the room before smirking, "What about you Beca. How about you show us what's going on in that head of yours?"

Beca shook her head, "I don't want to go."

The professor frowned, "Did you do the assignment?"

Beca sighed and sat up in her chair. "Yeah, I did it."

"Well then get on up on here. It can't be any worse than Mr. James' monologue on oranges."

The student in question spoke up in protest, causing the class to laugh as he said "Hey, I worked hard on that."

"Yeah, I'm sure you did. I think you're the only kid in history to ever create an allegory of enjoying oranges to connote cunnilingus." This caused more laughter in the class and Beca hoped that it would be enough to distract the professor from forcing her to present. Unfortunately, luck wasn't on her side and Dr. Reddy threatened to dock her grade a full letter grade if she didn't present today.

Beca rolled her eyes and stood, sighing soundly to convey her displeasure.

She made her way to the front of the classroom, reaching into her back pocket to pull out a piece of paper that had been folded into quarters. She opened the folded paper and glanced down at the words, realizing that she didn't need to read from the sheet of paper in her hand. She didn't need to see the words. She knew what was written because she still remembered the pain that went into writing each word.

"Alright. Uh, I'm Beca and the title of this 'Funny'."

She put the piece of paper in her back pocket and took a deep breath before speaking.

"_You don't know me, and you probably never will. No, please don't stop and stare, I don't like it when you get too close. For my entire life people pass me by, and now I am used to it. Anything else would confuse me. Ok, Ok, I actually have a lot of "friends". You see, I make people laugh; I'm the 'Funny' chick. Because when people are busy laughing they are not thinking about what is going on in my life, they just think "Man is she funny"... and funny is good." _She nodded her head motioning for the group to agree with her and when none of the heads moved—like she planned—a hopeful smile made its way onto her face.

_There are some people that say I'm too funny, that I need to grow up and take life serious. What they don't know is that my life has been serious enough without their help. Sure it is easy to look at me and judge me at face value, but they don't know the real me on the inside._

_There are others that think I am bad, bad for myself, bad for those around me. I hope not, I never thought of myself as being bad, just funny. Look, I know I'm not anyone's idea of the perfect person but what's wrong with laughing? Isn't there enough misery in life... laugh it up that's what I say._

_I am more comfortable when you ignore the real me, the one I never let you see; I keep her hidden where she is safe. Because I realized a long time ago that if I let you really get to know her, you have the power to hurt her, and that isn't funny. I have been hurt before and I wanted to die, and maybe on the inside I did a little. Do you know what that is like? To find out that the world isn't safe like you thought it was? I found that out early in life. I wanted the world to be a safe place but it didn't work out that way. Do you think I wanted my life like this? Do you think I wanted to lose my innocence? Well it's not a safe world at all. So you are better off to just laugh at it... it's much safer._

_Oh I know there are people that don't approve of me and others that only want me around for the entertainment and hey, that's ok. Because if I don't have your approval you leave me alone and that's the way I want it. I don't like it when you are in my life trying to figure me out. It bothers me and I don't want you getting too close. Close isn't safe, you get too close and then you can see things I don't want you to see; secrets about my life that I have hidden from you. Now I know that you will assume what everyone else does, my secrets are bad things I've done. But what if I told you that my secrets were bad things that happened __**to**__ me? Would it make a difference? Would you accept me then? But you see I don't want you to accept me because you feel sorry for me, I want you to accept me because you like me, for me._

_So let me be funny, it's where I am safe, and if you can't let me be funny then just leave me alone. I am laughing through my tears and that. Isn't. Funny." _

The class was silent for a beat before loud applause followed. Dr. Reddy was obviously shocked by her monologue and it took him the longest to snap out of it and actually commend Beca on her monologue. "_Great Job,_ Miss Mitchell."

Beca didn't say anything, wiping away a lone tear quickly before walking to the back of the room to grab her bag. The rest of the class packed up and began to file out of the class and Beca was just glad that the class time was over and she could go back to her dorm.

"Beca, can you stay behind for a moment."

She rolled her eyes and stopped before she could exit the room. "I don't want to talk about my monologue. Just give me the F and let me go."

Dr. Reddy titled his head and looked at her curiously. "I'm not going to give you an F on something so deserving of an A."

"Well then why am I still here?"

"Because Rebecca, you are failing my class and even with this A I cannot bring up your grade." He watched Beca roll her eyes before reaching behind him to his desk to grab his grade book. "I, however, can give you the passing C if you were willing to make up the work in my Literary Dramatics Course. It's an elective but I think you'd enjoy it."

Beca sighed. She wanted to leave, badly. She really enjoyed this class when they were analyzing other writers and the fucked up minds of fictional characters. Now that they'd breached the territory of writing and their own stuff, she was beginning to feel like American Literary Foundations 1 was turning into a fifty minute therapy session. Wanting to appease the older man and wanting to leave even more she said, "Yeah ok, whatever."

She turned to walk away but she was once again thwarted by the older professor.

"Look, Beca. I—I know it isn't my place but as someone that's been in your shoes, I can tell you that you shouldn't be ashamed to ask for help."

Beca snatched her arm out of his grasp, "You're right. It isn't your place."

"Beca, I know that it can be hard admitting what happened to you, and although I don't know all of the details, coming from experience, I can recognize the signs. My—my father beat me for years and the only way I got him to stop was to leave home."

"So, what? You think that makes us the same."

"I wasn't saying—"

"How about, instead of trying to 'save' this fucked up twenty year old," she walked over to the window and pointed outside, "go out there and look for the eight year Rebecas that need help before those perverted mother fuckers lurking around get their claws into her."

Dr. Reddy stood speechless, unsure of what to say. Beca scoffed and walked away, taking his silence as her cue to leave. They always said they wanted to help but when she revealed the facts, told them the truth, shattering their hero complexes when they realized they couldn't handle Beca's reality, they all did the same thing…nothing.

_I'm here again  
A thousand miles away from you  
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am  
I tried so hard  
Thought I could do this on my own  
I've lost so much along the way_

"Whoa, short stack got a new 'do!" Fat Amy announced as Beca walked into the gym with Aubrey. The brunette looked over at Aubrey who smiled and shrugged with a simple "You should have expected it."

Beca rolled her eyes but knew she had to agree. What _did _she expect? She left the game the other night with a head full of hair and now she barely had eight inches of hair on her scalp. She did, however owe Aubrey a lot for salvaging the hack job the brunette did on herself in a drunken stupor. By the time she'd finished, Aubrey had managed to successful cut her hair into a somewhat of a pixie cut and when Beca looked at her self she found she didn't look half bad.

Chloe ran over to her and immediately questioned her on her new hairstyle. Beca shrugged, "I—I wanted something knew."

"Is that why Aubrey came knocking at my door close to midnight wanting to borrow my hair supplies?" Cynthia rose asked.

Everyone turned to Aubrey in surprise. Chloe looked at her friend, a smug grin on her face "_You_ cut Beca's hair."

Aubrey rolled her eyes, crossing her arms in annoyance. "Yeah, so what?"

Chloe shrugged, the arrogant smirk and the 'I told you so' expression never leaving her face as they walked onto the court to begin practice.

Beca knew when she had agreed to top drinking the night before that it would difficult. She didn't expect quitting booze cold turkey after drinking so heavily for such an extended period of time would be easy. TO make matters worse, as she was suffering symptoms of withdrawal, the others around her—except for Aubrey—thought she was just being an irritable bitch.

She was very short tempered, more so than normal and even Chloe asked her why she was so angry. To top it off, she couldn't remember the plays if her life depended on it. After missing her mark for what had to be the tenth time Abernathy was on her last nerve and told Beca to go home and get her shit together.

Beca rolled her eyes, not bothering to argue. She stormed out of the gym, kicking over the water cooler near the door in frustration.

Aubrey watched her leave worried that Beca would go and do something rash. However, as much as she wanted to follow the brunette she knew she couldn't without raising alarm and she knew that was the last thing Beca wanted—people knowing her personal business. So, Aubrey was forced to finish out the remainder of practice with the brunette being at the forefront of her mind.

"Alright ladies, I'm calling it a night."

Aubrey sighed in relief, and walked over to Gail asking if she could speak to her privately. Coach Abernathy looked up from where she was reviewing her notes for the day's practice. "Aubrey, just because Beca had a bad day doesn't mean I'm kicking her off the team."

"That's not what I have to talk to you about. Ok well it is, but it's not about kicking Beca off the team."

Abernathy put down her clipboard taking note of the urgency in her senior captain's voice. With a simple head nod, she said, "Alright, let's go to my office."

When they were in her office away from listening ears, Aubrey took a seat in the chair in front of the older woman's desk.

"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?"

"It's about Beca."

"I gathered that. My question is, what exactly about Beca do you want to discuss?"

Aubrey took a deep breath wondering if maybe this wasn't a good idea. She knew that Beca had given her a large amount of trust when she opened up to her about her alcoholism but she knew Beca couldn't keep this from their coach. With the withdrawal symptoms she was experiencing, it could very well cost the brunette her spot on the team if they didn't at least tell Coach Abernathy something.

"Beca has a problem."

Gail chuckled, "Don't I know it. I knew when I recruited her that she had some issues but she's keeping me in the dark here. That's fine if she doesn't want to tell me but if I don't at least know what I'm dealing with I can't let her personal issue get in the way of the team. She's failing two of her classes and I might have to cut her anyway."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Beca is dealing with a lot of stuff right now and I know she hasn't confided in you about it but she did with me."

"Is there anything I should know about?"

"It isn't my place to share, coach, but I am helping her work through it."

Coach Abernathy was silent for a few minutes, digesting what Aubrey had told her. Finally looking back at Aubrey she smiled. "Aubrey, I'm proud of you, you know that?" she sat forward in her chair, resting her arms on her desk. "I'm proud of you for taking the initiative and helping Beca. I know she's not your favorite person."

Aubrey smiled softly, "I think we've managed to work out our differences."

Gail looked at her, slight shock on her face. "I did notice that practice was lot more peaceful without you two throwing insults at each other at every turn. Well, like I was saying, it's obvious that Beca has her demons and I'm just glad that you took the initiative to help out a fellow teammate. That's why I named you captain. Now only if you would just shoot the damn ball."

Both blondes laughed and Aubrey stood up, wishing coach Abernathy a good night as she exited her office.

After getting showered and dressed, Aubrey made her way out of the locker room. On her way out of the gymnasium she spotted someone sitting on the stairs that led to the pool.

She walked closer and recognized the small figure as Beca. The brunette sat on the bottom step, her face in her hands. She knew Beca was having a hard time with sobriety. She couldn't imagine just how long Beca had depended on alcohol as a crutch to get through the day and she was surprised that she had suffered any long term physical effects.

She reached into her gym bag and pulled out her water bottle and descended the steps, taking a seat next to the brunette when she reached the bottom. Beca looked up suddenly, feeling her presence, and when she realized it was Aubrey she visible relaxed. Aubrey smiled at her and handed the brunette the bottle which Beca took gratefully before immediately unscrewing the top and taking a sip.

"Is Abernathy kicking me off the team?"

"No. She understands that you're going through something." Seeing the panicked look on Beca's face she shook her head to assuage her worries. "She doesn't know what that something is but she knows you're dealing with some stuff and she's willing to cut you some slack."

Beca nodded in relief. "I feel like shit." She rasped before clearing her throat. Aubrey reached out and wiped a stray lock of sweaty hair from Beca's forehead, ignoring the butterfly feeling she got in her stomach at touching the brunette so tenderly.

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

Beca scoffed, "Barely. I tossed and turned all night."

Aubrey bumped Beca's shoulder with her own playfully, "Well if it's any consolation, I'm proud of you."

Beca rolled her eyes and took another sip of water. "It's only been two days."

Aubrey shrugged, "I don't care. A week, a day, a year, it doesn't matter. The fact that you're trying is enough for me."

The two sat in silence for a few moments, Beca leaning her head against the stone wall with a tired sigh.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked after a while.

"Anything."

"I—I'm failing my classes."

Aubrey took a deep breath before admitting she knew.

Beca looked at her in confusion. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Aubrey had technically only known for less than an hour since Abernathy had just told her but she still knew the reason why she hadn't confronted the brunette the moment she saw her on the steps. "I—wanted to hear it from you."

Beca looked away fumbling with the water bottle in her hand. "I—I don't mean to, ya know, zone out in class. It's just, sometimes I feel like I'm not even myself. I mean, I try to pay attention but then something happens and before I know it, class is over." She sighed before chuckling bitterly. "I must sound pretty fucking pathetic, huh?"

Aubrey shook her head, "I don't think so. You sound human, Beca, because that's what you are." How tragically human she was, Aubrey couldn't help but think. Seeing Beca look so defeated while she rested against the wall, Aubrey wanted nothing more than to take her into her arms and shelter her from whatever nightmares haunted her, day and night. She gathered her bag and stood up, extending her hand to the brunette. "C'mon."

"Where are we going?" Beca asked, allowing Aubrey to help her up to her feet.

"We're going back to your place so that you can shower and then we can get to work on helping you catch up on in classes."

Beca looked at her skeptically. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Helping me. First, helping me with my drinking and now helping me in my classes. Why?"

Aubrey sighed, running a hand through her hair, before she took a step forward. "I guess—I guess it's because I meant it when I said don't hate you."

Beca's eyes remained narrowed in suspicion looking for any signs of deceit. After a few moments of prolonged investigation of the blonde's sincerity her eyes softened and she smiled softly. "I meant it too."

_Then I see your face  
I know I'm finally yours  
I find everything I thought I lost before  
You call my name  
I come to you in pieces  
So you can make me whole_

"Oh my god, I don't think I can look at another integral." Beca groaned, abandoning her textbook on her desk and flopping down on her bed.

Aubrey swiveled in the computer chair she was sitting in and looked at the brunette. She stood up and walked over to Beca, "You only have ten more problems. Let's just finish them and then you can put the homework out of your mind."

Beca's forearm lay across her eyes and she grunted in response. "It's only ten problems like you said. I can do them later. Come lay down with me."

Aubrey's eyes widened in shock and she didn't move. Beca was very particular about her personal space and although she did grant Aubrey a bit of leeway with regards to touching her, she knew holding Beca's hand and laying in her bed were two _very_ distinct things. Beca groaned when she didn't feel Aubrey next to her. "Why are you still standing over me like you're plotting my death?"

Aubrey shrugged although she knew Beca couldn't see her. "I know how you are about your personal space."

"Posen, if you don't lie down in the next five seconds I'm going to break into your computer, go into your iTunes, and incorrectly rename every song in you Ace of Base collection.

Aubrey gasped, the idea of having such a thing happen left her completely appalled. "You wouldn't." she said, thoughts of changing her password on her computer crossing her mind.

"I would. Now lay your ass down." After a few moments Beca felt Aubrey's weight settle next to her on the bed and she finally lowered her arm to look at the blonde. "Let's play a game."

"Like what?"

Beca shrugged, "I don't know. How about 'would you rather'?"

"Ok." Aubrey agreed, turning onto her side and resting her head on her arm. Beca smiled back, crossing her eyes to make Aubrey laugh before sitting up on the bed and resting her back against the wall. "I have an app so we don't run out of questions." She quickly fiddled around her phone before smirking, "Oh, this is a good one. Would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?"

Aubrey's eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "I'd probably want to know the date of my death. That way I won't drive myself crazy wondering when I'd die."

"But that's the beauty of knowing _how_ you would die. Like, if you knew you were going to in a plane crash, the smart thing to do would be to avoid planes."

"Yeah, but if I knew the day I'd die, I'd only have to worry about how I'd die on that particular day. Plus, dying in a plane crash is such a boring way to go."

Beca smirked as she looked at Aubrey curiously, "So what, you'd rather die rescuing a basket of kittens from a burning building?"

"It would be a noble death."

"Oh, I can just imagine. Firefighter Aubrey, I'm just a helpless young lass, save me!" She teased, adopting an airy southern accent, her hand flying to her forehead as she pretended to faint. Aubrey punched her in the shoulder and Beca laughed soundly as she sat back up and grabbed her phone.

"Alright." Beca said looking at her phone. "Would you rather have your crush date your best friend or your worst enemy?"

Aubrey looked away from Beca. As much as she tried to play it off and feign indifference to Chloe's crush on the brunette, Aubrey knew now she stopped denying her attraction to Beca, she knew it would probably kill her if Chloe did successfully woo Beca. Sometimes she envied the brunette's relationship with Chloe, and how close they were. "I—I guess my enemy. It would give me another reason to hate them." She finally looked back at Beca, "And you?"

"I guess my worst enemy. I have more enemies then friends anyway."

"Have you ever had a best friend?"

"No." Beca silently fumbled with the IPhone in her hand for a while before saying, "I did have one friend in high school. She wasn't my best friend but she was pretty close."

"What happened to her?"

Beca frowned and bitterly said, "She left me." After a moment of silence, with Beca compartmentalizing her feelings about her lost friend, she tapped her phone screen for another question and grinned—sad feelings pushed aside momentarily. "Would you rather be the opposite gender for a day or be a kid again for a day?"

"I'd be a guy again."

Beca smirked, "What would you do first if you were miraculously a dude?"

"Honestly?"

Beca nodded and Aubrey answer tentatively, "I'd do a helicopter."

"Helicopter what? Like your dick?"

Aubrey's face transformed from slight blush to a full blown blush that she tried to hide behind her hand.

"I know it's so weird but I told you I was really close with my brother, Wes. Well one day our older brother, Eddy sat us down and basically gave us _the talk_. He told me that I should never fall for the helicopter. That guys would use it to fuck me—his words not mine." She said glancing at Beca before focusing back on her story. "So he told me that I should stay aware of the whirling penis. I, of course had no idea what he was talking about since I was only like ten, and Wesley didn't know either. So we went to the internet. Word of advice Beca, anything that begins or ends in an X is always a porn site."

Beca burst into laughter, "Oh god, that's friggin unbelievable but I'd take out a million dollar loan just to see you do that. Oh god, you could be a stripper. A male stripper equipped with a silver thong and body oil." She mocked, preceding to make a pulsing dance beat with her mouth. "Oh, and you could be a firefighter. A sexy firefighter, come out swinging your 'hose'."

Aubrey took the phone from Beca, ignoring the brunette's laughter. "Ok, my turn. Would you rather never have sex or never find true love?"

Beca gestured at her with a head nod, "What would you choose?"

"I'd never have sex. Sex is great but I've never been happier then when I was in love and I thought I was loved in return." They both went silent, before Beca looked at her curiously.

"You said 'was' as in past tense. Do you not love Charlie?"

Aubrey tried to hide the look of being caught off guard and cleared her throat. "I do love Charlie. Why does everyone keep questioning me about her?" she asked angrily. Realizing how irrational her behavior was, she sighed and laid on her back to stare at the ceiling. "What about you. Would you rather never have sex or never find true love?"

Beca shrugged and looked down at her phone. "Never have sex. But then again, true love is impossible to find."

Aubrey turned her head to look at the brunette as she rested her folded hands on her stomach. "That's not true Beca. True love is difficult to find, I'll agree with you there, but it's not impossible."

Beca didn't respond and instead loaded the next question. "Would you rather live in Harry Potter's World or live the life of fame and wealth?"

"Oh that's just ridiculous. Harry Potter, really?"

Beca's eyes narrowed, "What's wrong with Harry Potter."

"Nothing. I just, I never saw the appeal."

"Did you read the books?" Beca asked, shifting slightly to pull her leg under herself. When Aubrey nodded, she continued with, "Then why don't you like them?"

Aubrey shrugged. "I don't know. I was never fond of the series."

Beca looked at her in mock horror. "I don't understand you. It's the greatest book in history since—since the bible and even them I'm not so sure about the bible being better. C'mon Aubrey. You mean to tell me you didn't have the tiniest crush on Hermione Granger or even Bellatrix Lestrange?" she asked dramatically. Harry Potter was her childhood. She grew up with the Golden Trio and she couldn't imagine a childhood without Voldemort, Horcruxes, and magic.

Aubrey rolled her eyes at her friend's dramatics and asked, "Wasn't she a bad guy?"

Beca waved off her comment, "Yeah, but she had that whole sexy, crazy thing going. Not to mention the sexy ass corsets." She said, her hands running down her sides to illustrate a corset.

"Are you serious?" she asked, laughing lightly.

"No, he died in the fifth book." Beca deadpanned before bursting into laughter as she dodged the pillow being thrown at her.

"You're such a dork." Aubrey said, secretly elated that Beca was so comfortable with her that she was willing to show this side of her that she surmised that not even Chloe had seen.

Beca guffawed as she laid back down next to the blonde. "Ok, last one. Blonde, brunette, or redhead?"

Aubrey chuckled lightly, "Ha! I have a feeling Chloe would kill me if I said anything but redhead." Beca smirked, "That's true. That woman has an unnatural talent for knowing any and all things said about her."

Aubrey turned on her side to meet Beca's eyes. "What about you. Blonde, brunette, or redhead?"

"That's easy." Beca said as reached out and tucked a stray lock blonde hair behind Aubrey's ear. "Brunette."

_I've come undone  
But you make sense of who I am  
Like puzzle pieces in your hand_

_I tried so hard! So hard!  
I tried so hard!_

Aubrey returned to her dorm a little after eleven pm, glad to be back in her room where she could finally get some sleep. She found helping Beca wasn't that hard at all. The brunette was insanely smart which complete confused her. For someone to be so obviously intelligent, why couldn't she pass her classes? Beca was an enigma that seemed to get more complex the more Aubrey tried to unravel the mystery that is Beca Mitchell.

Walking into her room, she dropped her gym bag by the door and turned on the small desk lamp by the door.

"Aubrey."

She jumped, the sudden voice of Charlie startling her immensely. She hadn't seen the soccer player since she'd left her the night of their last game and now standing here with her in an the empty apartment, she was terrified of what she might do after having read Aubrey's text message breaking the engagement.

"Ch—Charlie…what are you doing here?"

Charlie sighed and looked up at her from where she sat on her bed staring at her phone.

"I got your text." She said, standing up. Aubrey watched her apprehensively, her hand on the door knob behind her in case she needed to make a quick escape.

"Did you mean it? What you said about not wanting to get married?"

Aubrey looked at her nervously and nodded her head. She saw Charlie's jaw tighten and her arm muscles flex.

"Well, I think you're wrong about us not being ready to get married." She took a step closer and Aubrey inadvertently took a step backwards. This song and dance continued until Aubrey was trapped between the door and her girlfriend.

She closed her eyes trying to prepare herself for impending pain but was shocked at the feeling of lips pressing against hers. Aubrey pulled back and looked up in surprise at the woman in front of her. Her brown hair was tussled as if she'd come here straight from the gym.

"What are you doing?"

"I know I hit you after promising so many times that I wouldn't but I don't think we should end our engagement."

Aubrey panicked and instinctively pushed away from the wall. However, what was meant to be an escape provided Charlie with the opportunity to slide her hands down into her girlfriend's pants. Her tongue traced the inside of Aubrey's ear as her right hand gently unbuttoned her jeans and pushed them down.

"I love you Aubrey." She said, trailing soft kisses down the right side of her girlfriend's neck. "Why don't you want to marry me? We can't carry on like this forever. I understand that I've hurt you, but I'm going to change. Can't you see that I trying to be a different person? I wouldn't have asked you to marry me otherwise."

Her fingers crept into Aubrey's underwear and the blonde's eyes widened as her mouth dropped open to try and cultivate some sort of protest. She really didn't want Charlie to try and coerce her into changing her mind using sex. This was always her method for getting what she wanted and Aubrey desperately wanted to get away before she worked her charm once again. This was the one thing she knew she didn't want to go back on.

"I love you, bumblebee." She whispered, lifting Aubrey up compelling the blonde to wrap her legs around her waist instinctively. Charlie carried the blonde over to her bed and gently laid her on its surface. "Forgive me." She cooed reaching down and grabbing the hem of her shirt. She pulled the tank top over Aubrey's head before joining her on the bed, pressing her body against the blonde's. "You're wrong about us, Bree. Let me prove it to you."

Aubrey didn't know what to do. She could hear the sincerity in Charlie's words and suddenly she was filled with immense guilt. Charlie had been with her through the worst years of her life. She held her when she cried over her father and she loved her when she thought she was incapable of being loved by anyone. Charlie was her rock, the one person besides Chloe she could depend on and all she asked in return was for Aubrey to trust her. Breathing in deeply, she met Charlie's brown eyes and exhaled, prepared to trust the woman above her completely.

The moment she did Charlie slipped two fingers inside of her. Her other hand, although still tender from her sprain, rested against her cheek before it slid down to cover her heart. Aubrey's eyes slipped shut at the feeling, at being handled so gently, and she moaned low. She could feel a low rumble of sexual tension in her lower stomach and she knew it wouldn't be long before she reached her sexual peak. Through lust filled and lidded eyes she could see the outline of the brunette above her and in that everlasting moment her eyes slipped shut and she no longer saw her lover's brown eyes but deep blue ones. She didn't even feel the orgasm coming until it hit her.

'_Oh God, Beca!'_

Her eyes shot opened at the thought and she looked up at Charlie nervously, afraid she'd said that out loud. When Charlie smiled and simply kissed her forehead, she knew she hadn't. She turned on her side, wondering what could have possibly come over to her that she was fantasizing about her teammate. She knew she was attracted to her but actually desiring her sexually?

"I love you Bree. I need you to remember that." Charlie's lips whispered against her neck as her left arm wrapped around Aubrey and she laid beside her. She kissed her gently on the neck and tucked her girlfriend into her side. Aubrey was so preoccupied with her thought of what had just occurred that she didn't even fight the brunette when she took her hand and slid a ring onto her left hand.

Here was the woman she loved, promising to give her everything she ever wanted and yet she was thinking about Beca during sex. Just when she thought her life couldn't get any more complicated she was bombarded with the realization that Chloe was right.

She wanted Beca.

And she wanted her badly.

Fuck.

_Then I see your face  
I know I'm finally yours  
I find everything I thought I lost before  
You call my name  
I come to you in pieces  
So you can make me whole  
So you can make me whole_

_**The monologue for Jessica was found on dramaticwriter dot com. I took the monologues "Jenny" and "Tom" and combined them, adding and removing certain parts to fit the story. Beca's monologue was found on a blog called Invisible Scars dot blogspot if you want to check it out. I will also be using another monologue from this site in the future but check out her work. It's really great. The song for this chapter is Red by Pieces and I absolutely adore this song. Of course I couldn't help but throwing in a bit of Harry Potter, which I discovered just recently. Which is such a tragedy because that fandom is full of some of the greatest writers I've ever seen. Well anyway, you all have been amazing readers and the reviews you leave are just wonderful. Seriously. I can't express how grateful I am. Chapter 16 is complete and I just have to edit it. I really hope I can have it up by Saturday. If not, I'll aim for Sunday. Thanks again for reading and don't forget to review.**_


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16- Are you a risk worth taking?**

_Dear Julia,_

_Aubrey is helping me catch up in my classes and I have to write a paper on Macbeth. Do you remember you had me write that stupid paper for your class on this same topic? I guess it wasn't stupid. I should have saved it so that I wouldn't have to write it now. I remember you spent so much time just talking to me about it so that I'd understand it and like it in the same ways you did. Didn't you write an entire thesis on that? I never admitted it, but I really liked it, better than that damn Romeo and Juliet or even worse, Hamlet. Well I was writing my paper and I stopped to write this letter. Can I ask you a question, Julia? Do you sleepwalk?_

Aubrey sat in the library trying to narrow down the symptoms Beca exhibited and what exactly might be the cause. She realized not long ago that Beca suffered some type of abuse, and now she just had to figure out which type. She knew that her mother had a problem with drugs—although she didn't know to what extent—and she also knew her father left her when she was young only to re-enter her life nearly fifteen years later. She was currently perusing the site of the NSPCC which had done wonders for helping her identify the symptoms of abuse. She currently was on a part of their website that provided the abnormal behaviors of abuse victims in the different age brackets. What caught her attention right away was the fact that victims of abuse experience some of the same symptoms whether it's physical or sexual but she noticed as she went down the list Beca's behavior began to lean towards the category of sexual abuse. Based on the site, she met the criteria for having drunk alcohol from an early age; she was reluctant to get changed for sports, she showed challenging, disruptive behavior at school and was _extremely _secretive and hesitant to share information. 

"_There are—things in my past that make me react that way. I—there's reasons why I shower here and not at the gym and why I won't let coach touch me_."

She sat back in her chair in disbelief. Beca had been sexually abused. She felt absolutely terrible. She had been fantasizing about Beca sexually in the way some perverted freak had done to her. With a sigh she picked up her phone from off the table where it was vibrating.

It was a text from Beca. '_Bree, I just got of AA and I'm going to go talk to my advisor to see if there's anything I can do to recover my GPA. Dinner later?'_

Aubrey quickly typed out her confirmation before packing up her things. She didn't think she'd be able to get anymore work done with what she had just learned. How could someone hurt Beca in the way they had done? Beca was so damaged and the thought that someone Beca trusted was responsible incited unfathomable anger within Aubrey.

She exited the library her phone in hand texting Beca over where they'd go for dinner.

"Wassup my basketball sister!"

With an eye roll she turned around and was greeted with the smug smile of Bumper. "What do you want?"

"Oh nothing. I just thought I'd compliment you on finally getting some talent on your team. That freshman can play, even I can admit that. Plus she has a nice right hook." He said, hitting unicycle on the chest as they both laughed. "You guys might actually have a shot in March."

Aubrey narrowed her eyes, "What do you mean by that?"

"What? About her right hook? I saw the fight between her and Charlie. Charlie's my friend and all but it was pathetic seeing her fall after Beca decked her."

"And why exactly did she 'deck' her?"

Bumper shrugged. "I don't know. I just remember Charlie calling you a bitch—which I completely agree with and then Beca just hit her."

So Charlie _had_ lied to her. Just thinking about, she should have believed Beca in the first place. She had no reason to lie to her while Charlie had _every_ reason to lie. Aubrey brushed by him quickly, ignoring Bumper's laughter behind her. She pulled out her phone and quickly dialed Charlie's number. She was sick of not knowing the truth. Charlie was going to tell her the truth about that fight whether she wanted to or not.

She called several times and continued to reach Charlie's voicemail. She walked out of the elevator onto the floor of Charlie's dorm and made her way down the hall to her door. When she stepped in front of the white oak door she realized she had no way of getting inside and she couldn't call the brunette because Charlie would purposely avoid coming back to her room.

"Hey, Aubrey. Good game the other night."

Aubrey sighed in relief at seeing Charlie's RA. Luck was on her side because she had a feeling Charlie was hiding something from her and she wanted to get into her dorm without giving the brunette the chance to pretend she wasn't inside.

"Hey, Darren, do you mind opening Charlie's door. I—I left my textbook inside and she's in class."

Darren nodded and reached into his pocket pulling out his master key. "You know I'm not supposed to do this." He said with smirk.

Aubrey forced a smile as she nodded, "Well then this'll be our secret."

She thanked him and opened the door. Walking slowly into the triple suit, she walked over to the door to her left and slowly opened the door.

Of all of the things she expected, what she was greeted with wasn't one of them. It was as if seeing Charlie in her bed with someone other than her brought back every conversations she shared with Chloe. Even when her gut instinct told her that Charlie had mentally and emotionally left their relationship long ago, her heart wouldn't believe it. this was the girl who camped out in her hospital room when Aubrey was hospitalized for stomach ulcers in the ninth grade and gave up meat for three months to help Aubrey get used to the new diet after her hospitalization. Charlie had enlisted her two brothers to come to the park when they were fourteen to play rough defense so that Aubrey wouldn't freeze up in her first high school game. And most importantly, she was the first girl to tell Aubrey she loved her and have Aubrey believe her. Seeing Charlie kiss another the way she used to kiss her, see her touch another the way she used to touch her…She felt _so_ stupid for defending her over and over again to everyone, even her family, and it had all been for naught. She had begged her father to give Charlie that internship and he had finally given in. They were supposed to get married and she now she felt like a complete idiot.

"I'm such a fucking idiot." She rasped, startling the two girls still going at it in front of her. Charlie looked back and when she saw who stood at her door she jumped up and quickly tried to explain. Aubrey stood still taking in the scene with tears in her eyes.

The girl on the bed, Aubrey recognized her from the Dive team, rolled her eyes at Charlie, sitting up and pulling the blanket over her body to cover her naked body. "Why are you even bothering? Her father gave you the internship, so why are you still trying to hold on."

Charlie glared at the girl and yelled, "Shut up, Mia. You're not helping."

Aubrey shook her head and wiped at her eyes. "No, she's right. You got what you wanted out me. Why bother trying to save something you _obviously_ don't want." She pulled the diamond ring off her hand and dropped it onto the floor.

"Goodbye, Charlie."

She left the dorm room in tears quickly going to the emergency exit and descending the stairs. When she was outside she took a deep breath as if she'd been holding her breath the entire time before breaking down cry. She fell back against the brick wall and let heavy tears fall. The one person she thought would never hurt her like this had done it. Beca was completely right. People were nothing but selfish individuals and if she expected anything more she'd only end up feeling like she was now. Heartbroken.

She really needed to get away from here. Get away and find the only person she knew would help ease this horrible pain in her chest.

Beca sat at her desk staring at the introduction paragraph of her essay that took her entirely too long to write. She had just finished her essay on Macbeth and now she had moved on to making up the essay for her American Lit class. She hadn't spoken to Dr. Reddy yet but she hoped that if she had something to show such as the essay she missed, he'd be willing to help her out. The only problem was the fact that Walt Whitman appeared to have written for the sole purpose of trying to up his word count.

_Far-swooping elbowed earth! Rich apple-blossomed earth!  
Smile, for your lover comes!_

_Prodigal! you have given me love! . . . . therefore I to you give love!  
O unspeakable passionate love!_

_Thruster holding me tight and that I hold tight!  
We hurt each other as the bridegroom and the bride hurt each other. _

"Ok, you can do this Beca. What in the hell is he trying to say?" she mumbled to herself. With a sigh she opened a new tab in her internet browser and quickly googled, 'Song of Myself, Shmoop.' This website was the saving grace of college students everywhere and it was going to be her salvation tonight. Too bad, she had only discovered it recently. Oh how Julia, with her PhD in English literature, would resent her for relying on someone else's interpretation of a text.

"_I just don't get this bulls—" she stopped herself as if sensing the raising of Julia's eyebrow. She looked up with a lopsided grin glad that Julia wasn't sitting in front of her to see her blush in embarrassment. "Sorry. I just—it's like Shakespeare wrote so that no one—and I mean _**no one**_ could understand it."_

_Julia chuckled from where she stood in the kitchen. "Rebeca, honey, people _**can **_understand it. The way Shakespeare wrote, the skilled used of metaphor, is why he's admired." She walked to the table, her hands resting themselves on the teenager's shoulders. "You know, I wrote my dissertation on him and the theory that he might have been a woman."_

_Beca rolled her eyes and titled her head to look at the woman standing above her, "Well no wonder I can't understand this. Trying to understand the mind of a woman is like trying to solve a maze blind." _

_Julia laughed, leaning down to kiss the younger girl on the forehead. "I can help you if you want."_

"_Isn't that cheating?"_

_Julia took a seat next to the brunette, taking the assignment sheet out of Beca's hand. "No it isn't. I'm your teacher." She reached out and taped her finger on the tip of Beca's nose playfully causing Beca to laugh. "Besides, I'm going to _**help**_ you, not write your essay."_

_Beca pulled her pencil from where it rested behind her ear. "But what if I don't want to do this essay, huh? Are you going to give me an 'F'?"_

_Julia nodded, not looking up from the assignment sheet in her hand. "Yes, Rebeca."_

"_You wouldn't fail me." Beca challenged._

_Julia looked up and met her stare, "Watch me."_

_Beca sighed, "What does it matter, anyway? It's not like I'm going to college."_

_Julia's eyebrows narrowed in concern. She placed the sheet of paper in her hand back on Beca's notebook and looked at the fourteen year old. "Why do you say that?"_

_Beca shrugged, "I can't afford it, for starters, and I'm not smart enough to get a scholarship. Looks like I'm going to head nowhere." She opened her textbook and began to flip through the pages._

"_Rebeca, look at me."_

_Beca didn't look up, instead continued to scan her eyes over the page in front of her hoping Julia would change the subject. _

"_Blackbird." Julia said more sternly. She reached out and grabbed a hold of Beca's chin so that their eyes met. "You shouldn't say stuff like that."_

_Beca sat back in her chair dejectedly and sighed. "It doesn't matter. It's true, anyway. My mom didn't go to college."_

"_And neither did mine."_

"_But you're super smart."_

"_And I got that way because I worked my ass off. Columbia wasn't even on my mind until I stopped doubting myself."_

_Beca rolled her eyes, "So what, you think I could go to Columbia?" Julia had to be out of her mind to believe someone like her could go to the most prestigious school in the state. Yeah, she got good grades but it wasn't because she intelligent. She worked hard for those grades and she knew without Julia forcing her to do her work, she wouldn't do well in college. _

_Julia nodded, "if you wanted to." She sighed, her hand stroking Beca's chin gently. "Look, honey, you're _**so smart**_ and honestly, it pisses me off how much you doubt yourself."_

_Beca looked at her shyly, "Do you really believe that? That I'm smart?"_

"_Yeah, I do." She said with a soft smile. "I know you're only a freshman but when you decide, whatever school you choose to go to, let me know and I'll personal help you with everything."_

_Beca's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Why would you do that for me?"_

"_Because no one did it for me."_

"_What about your mom?"_

_Julia looked away for a second, exhaling deeply, before looking back at Beca. "She wasn't able to help me."_

"_I—I don't know what to say."_

"_Say that you'll start to believe in yourself."_

_Beca was quiet for a few seconds, but after seeing that Julia wasn't going to drop the subject unless she agreed, she nodded her head. "Ok. I'll try."_

_Julia smiled and gently kissed Beca's cheek. "That's all I ask, Blackbird." She picked up Beca's notebook and began examining her notes. After a few moments she looked up and watched Beca read a passage in her textbook, a small smile gracing the older woman's face at the sight. _

"_I love you Beca."_

_In moments like this when Julia wanted nothing from her and only wanted to be a guiding figure, a confidante, and a mentor, she loved her with every fiber of her being. It was just the other demands she made, in the midst of the night that made her hate her. For now, Julia was helping her without an ulterior motive or expecting sex afterwards and because of that she found herself saying "I love you, too."_

The sound of rapid knocking on her door pulled her from her reverie, and she had to blink a few times to make sure she was actually awake.

Walking into the living room, she made her way to the door. Standing on the tips of her toes, she looked through the peep hole of the door and smiled when she saw Aubrey standing on the other side.

She pulled open the door with a smirk,

"Aubrey, don't worry. I'm doing my work. There's no need to come check up on—" she paused seeing the red rimmed eyes of the blonde. "What's wrong? I swear if Charlie—"

"She didn't hurt me…well not physically."

"What did she do, Aubrey?" Beca asked, her voice firm. She tried to hold in her anger thinking of the soccer player putting Aubrey in such a state.

Aubrey didn't answer and just broke down crying again. Beca quickly ushered Aubrey inside, using her foot to kick her door closed. She instructed Aubrey to take a seat on the couch while she went to make her some tea. She returned ten minutes later with two mugs of hot tea and handed one to Aubrey which the blonde took gratefully. As Beca sat next to her on the couch she tried to calm down because she knew her anger would only increase when Aubrey finally told her what happened and if that happened nothing Aubrey said would stop her from going to Charlie's dorm and beating the shit out of her. They were just friends but she had come to cherish Aubrey's friendship in these past weeks.

"I would offer you something stronger but…" she trailed off trying to joke and lighten the mood. Aubrey gave her weak smile that didn't reach her eyes and Beca reached out and touch Aubrey's arm. "What happened?"

"Charlie was cheating on me. I—I caught her in bed with some airhead from the swim team."

Beca remained silent, not quite sure what to say. Should she tell the blonde she knew all along and risk her being angry for not being told? She knew if she were in Aubrey's position she'd be pissed. But, just seeing how heartbroken the blonde looked, telling her the truth didn't seem like the smart option at the moment. So she sat in silence waiting for Aubrey to continue.

"I just—I feel like such a fool and that everyone was in on a big joke without me. Even Bumper knew."

Aubrey looked at Beca and frowned when she saw her shift uncomfortably.

"Did you know?"

Beca nodded and placed her mug on the coffee table. "Yeah…why do you think I punched her?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Beca sighed and ran her hand through her hair trying to figure out how to answer Aubrey's question. "Because you loved her…sometimes, ignorance truly is bliss. And…and as much as I probably should have told you…I _really hate_ seeing you like this and telling you about her and that girl would only have caused this same heartache."

Aubrey looked at her and the frown on her face crumbled as her lip quivered and she broke into tears once again. Beca did the only thing that seemed right—she held her. And despite how uncomfortable it made her, comforting another person, she knew she probably should put aside her own selfishness just this once to console the blonde. She found that it was become easier and easier to put aside her own self-interest for the blonde.

They laid on the couch, Beca holding Aubrey until she calmed down.

"Beca?"

"Yeah?"

Aubrey focused on the muted television in front of them. "Why do you let me touch you?"

"Wha—what do you mean?"

She tilted her head to look up at Beca, "You don't let anyone touch you. Not Chloe, not coach. I sometimes think you can't stand still on the court because you don't want anyone touching you."

Beca remained silent not sure of what to say because she didn't have an answer. She had absolutely no clue why she let Aubrey touch her when she forcefully pushed others away. She just knew that something about Aubrey was different. Beca guessed if she were a normal person that it was because she liked Aubrey—romantically—but she was't a normal person. She didn't experience romantic attraction, Julia made sure of that. You condition a dog not to pee on the carpet and eventually it becomes instinctual to the dog to go outside. Julia made sure Beca never dated or showed interest in any girls her age which left the older woman as the recipient of Beca's teenage hormones. Beca hated herself as a result and forced herself not to feel _anything_ for _anyone_. Soon enough, she was successful. So, no, although she did allow Aubrey to get close, their relationship would never move beyond friendship, no matter how much a part of her wanted it too.

Aubrey rested her head back on Beca's chest and sighed contently. Beca didn't resspond and Aubrey didn't need her to. Just knowing Beca stepped outside of her comfort zone to console her was an adequate enough answer. "I like knowing I'm different from the rest."

Beca looked down at the blonde in her arm and tightened her hold on her. "You are."

The two sat in silence for a while just enjoying the feeling of the other before Aubrey broke the silence. "You…you scared me." She whispered

"What? 5 foot nothing Beca Mitchell scared the great Aubrey Posen?" beca joked sarcastically.

Aubrey rolled her eyes. "I'm serious."

"I know…why did I scare you?"

"I googled your name after the first day of practice and I read how accomplished you were…I—basketball was the one thing I had to make my father proud, and I was afraid that you were going to come and take it from me."

"Hey, look at me." Beca reached down placing her index finger under Aubrey's chin to guide her head up until their eyes met. "That was never my intention. I didn't even want to tryout but as luck would have it, I had no choice. I—I'm sorry for whatever undue stressed I might have caused you."

They kept eye contact for several minutes, neither wanting to break away.

Aubrey was the first to break, looking away and returning her eyes to the television in front of them. "The next couple of days are going to be hell. With everything I have going on, the last thing I need is to add depression to it."

Beca sighed, "Being sad and depressed aren't the same thing Aubrey. You shouldn't throw around the word depression. I know I know people who are suffering with depression and you don't know the first thing about it."

Aubrey immediately apologized, "I know. I'm sorry. I'm usually the one telling other people that…I wasn't thinking."

Beca sighed. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't trivialize your problems. It's just I really hate that people throw around the word depression when they're having a bad day because it makes it harder for the people really suffering to be believed and helped. I just—I've seen people _struggle_ and they keep their illness to themselves because they don't see the point in confiding in someone that'll just tell them they need to try and not be sad—whatever the fuck that means. And do you want to know the most fucked up part? They're all wonderful people. Wonderful people who can't find the motivation to get out of bed."

"Will you tell me about them?"

"No." she said sternly. "I'm not going to talk about what they've told me in confidence."

"And I don't expect you to. I want to know why you think they're wonderful."

Beca looked down at Aubrey and searched her eyes for sincerity, when she found it she smiled softly and tightened her arms around the blonde.

"Well my roommate, Lea and she is this ballet prodigy..."


	18. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17 Will I Ever Be Whole Again?**

_Dear Julia,_

_There are more times than not that I wish that day had turned out differently. Like what if my dad was stuck in traffic or decided to shower first before coming to check on me?_

_Before every session with Dr. Singer, my psychiatrist from the hospital, I had to fill out a form that asked questions to gauge my depression and anxiety level. I realized that only after entering the hospital did I become consciously aware of how often I thought of suicide, but now in hindsight, I had those thoughts long before I moved to Georgia. I bet you're wondering what my therapist has been asking since I was admitted. 'Why?' I told them I didn't know why but I do and I'm going to tell you because you deserve to suffer in this hell with me. In this life and the next. _

_I know I should stop thinking like this. Dr. Singer says it's a slippery slope to suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts. Normally I'm able to think and sort through my answer without wanting to slit my throat but I could be tempting the fate and this would be the one time it happened. Who knows maybe this time I'll actually get it right and fucking die. But life did like to laugh in my face and I probably would just dig deep enough to see the blood spill from my arm but now deep enough to watch my life drain away with it. The last thing I need is being carted back to Mercy for another failed suicide attempt. _

_Julia do you have any idea just how humiliating this whole thing has been for me? In high school no one messed with me because of my temper and propensity to fight at the slightest provocation and yet I became nothing more than a pathetic and weak victim when I entered your home. Why couldn't I find the strength I would easily unleash on the poor kids at school but when I got home—to your home? Fine, you were older and provided for me when my parents failed to but I could have found my father and forced him to take care of his responsibility. Or told. _

_Who am I fooling? I couldn't tell even if I trusted someone enough to do it. It was like I had been trained to be your little puppy. Mentally, I was completely trapped in my fear of you abandoning me and leaving me at the mercy of my mother that I reverted back to being nothing more than a scared little girl. I guess that's what you wanted. Whether it's the 'scared' aspect or the 'little girl' aspect I'm not sure. Even now you still have this hold on me as if I was still that weak little girl you met that day in in the park when I'm nearly a woman. A woman with so much fucking strength. _

_But, and I guess I learned this the hard way, strength is nothing compared to habitual rituals and what you did to me—made me do to you—was one of them. I was used to it, expected it even, so I got it. I hated it—hated you, but it felt like the cycle was completely out of my control. Fuck, I am so pathetic. I used to tell myself that it would be over soon, that you would grow bored with me or realize I didn't like what we did, or worst case, I'd graduate and move away, but all of that seemed so _**so**_ unlikely and graduation seemed like forever to me. Forever abused. Forever drinking and blacking out. Forever a victim. Forever fucked. _

_And the mere thought of that—the mere whisper of an idea that it was possible that I would never escape—was enough to make me want to fucking kill myself. _

"Let's see what you got, Bree." Beca teased and winked at the blonde guarding her.

Chloe's eyebrow raised in interest as she nudged Lily, "Bree, huh? Someone's gotten past the great wall of troy that is Beca Mitchell."

Lily nodded and incoherently mumbled something about them spending a lot of time together. Chloe couldn't hear what she said, as usual, so she went back to focusing on Beca, getting ready for the pass if the ball came her way.

Aubrey stood in a defensive stance in front of Beca, smirking at the brunette. "You're not getting past me, Mitchell."

Beca dribbled the ball between her legs, passing the ball from her right to her left hand. "Wanna bet?"

"Yeah. If you get pass me I'll buy you dinner."

Beca smirked, "Deal. But I want Chipotle."

Aubrey nodded and crouched a little lower. Beca dribbled the ball, passing it off to Chloe on the wing before jutting left, Aubrey staying with her every step of the way. She received the ball back from Chloe and Aubrey once again had her locked down. Despite how comfortable the two had become with each other, Aubrey appreciated Beca more than she'd ever care to admit. The brunette was an _excellent_ basketball and she kept Aubrey on her toes. She knew—hoped—if they spent more time together on and off the court, Beca would help her improve as a basketball player and as a person. The two had been spending a significant amount of time together, with Beca taking it upon herself to walk Aubrey to class and to the dining hall in case Charlie tried to hurt her.

"Just give up, Mitchell." Aubrey teased, her voice not betraying her mirth.

"No way, _Posen_." She crossed over behind her back and just as the ball touched her right hand she once again pushed it to her left, managing to get around Aubrey and pull up for the three pointer. As soon as the familiar swish of the ball going through the net was heard she looked at Aubrey with a smug smirk.

"A burrito, with everything but guacamole. Thanks."

Aubrey rolled her eyes, "Don't let it go to your head. Your ego is big enough already."

Beca gasped dramatically as she received the ball from Cynthia Rose to set up the play again. "Oh never, Bree. That's why I keep you around. You keep me humble."

Many of the other players watched the scene in shock. Seeing Aubrey laugh at Beca, pure happiness on her face—unlike that forced laugh she usually gave Charlie—was refreshing.

"Oh shut up." Aubrey said, pushing Beca playfully.

Coach Abernathy walked over to where her team stood. "Good play, Beca. And Aubrey, don't forget her burrito, I would hate to have people on my team that don't keep their word." She joked, laughing at the eye roll the younger blonde gave her.

"Alright Ladies, I have some news."

All of the girls jogged over to where coach Abernathy stood, looking at her anxiously. Whenever Gail normally had news it meant they were adding games to their schedule or taking on a few extra scrimmages.

"Well, it seems our all of our hard work last year wasn't for nothing." Abernathy held up sheet of paper with what appeared to be a schedule. "Because we managed to finish in the final eight in last year's title pursuit, we've been invited to participate in the Macy's Christmas tournament. It looks like we're going to the Big Apple. The bus leaves the day after tomorrow from Hamilton Auditorium."

Beca blanched immediately. "Where exactly did you say this—" she swallowed heavily, her mouth suddenly dry. "Where did you say the tournament was?"

"New York City."

Beca looked at her couch, panic clear on her face. Aubrey stepped in front of Beca, noticing the change in her voice immediately. She tried to ask if Beca was alright but the brunette couldn't hear her.

"New York." She whispered before everything went black.

_She wondered if maybe it had all been a terrible a nightmare. Something reserved for the harrowing depths of the unconscious. But, when she pulled herself into the bathroom that morning she saw the marks. Even now, as she sat in this tub, no matter how hot she made the water, it wouldn't wash away the various marks and bruises that served as evidence for what she desperately wanted to deny._

_When she awoke that morning, she didn't even remember when she'd fallen asleep. The only thing she recalled was screaming for Julia to get off of her and then…_

_Just thinking back to the night before brought tears to her eyes. Julia had promised her that they weren't going to do _**that**_ anymore. She'd broken her promise. Why did she break her promise? Even then, before she told Julia she wasn't comfortable with the 'games' they played, Julia had never did the things she'd done last night. Before, she'd touch Beca and make her touch her in return. She'd kiss her but never had she…_

_Never had she put her fingers inside of her. Never had she…_

_Beca heard the bathroom door open and she pulled her legs to her chest, resting her head against her knees. Maybe she hid her face and couldn't see her, she'd actually disappear._

_Julia stood at the door, tying the belt of her robe and Beca could hear her sigh. With all of the alcohol the older woman had consumed the night before, Beca doubted she even remembered just what she'd done to her. 'She'll definitely remember now' the ten year old bitterly thought. The light pink tint of the water she sat in would definitely be a harsh reminder of just how traumatized Beca was. _

"_Rebeca?"_

_Beca didn't look up and continued to stare at her thighs as her forehead rested against them. She could hear Julia coming to next to the tub and a few moments later, a sponge doused in soap rubbed against her arm. She scooted away from Julia's touch, her arms wrapping around her legs to draw the closer to her body. For the first time, she felt completely exposed in front of Julia. Before she knew it she was sobbing heavily. She was so _**sad**_ about everything that happened. _

"_Oh, Blackbird. Please…I'm so sorry, honey. I—I know I lost control and shouldn't have done those things to you but I was so sad and—and I was drunk after I left Robert at the restaurant. Beca please look at me." Julia plead, reaching out to grab Beca's hand. Beca snatched away from her and continued to cry, ignoring Julia's desperate and anguished voice. _

_Julia began to cry and Beca finally turned to look at her. Heavy tears fell from her brown eyes and Beca stared at her though her own red rimmed eyes. _

"_Why are you crying?" she asked flatly. She was crying as well but she wouldn't let Julia hear how much she hurt her. No, she lost that privilege and never again would she see Beca vulnerable. _

_Julia wiped at her eyes and said, "I'm scared, honey. I'm afraid that I ruined everything and that you won't want to be around me because I couldn't control myself."_

_Julia looked at her and when Beca turned her head and looked away from her she broke down crying once again, her head coming to rest against the edge of the tub as she sobbed. Beca looked at her and couldn't help the anger brewing inside. Julia didn't have the right to cry. She didn't have the right to be forgiven. Beca _**begged**_ her to stop and she kept going. _

_As more silent tears fell from her own brown eyes she rested her head against Julia's and they cried together for what was lost last night. Beca knew that their relationship would never be the same. She'd never be able to look at the older woman the same again. Julia had broken her, taken a piece of her when she tore her hymen with a drunken wild abandon and Beca doubted she'd be her whole self ever again._

"Beca? Can you hear me?"

Beca's eyes slowly opened, the harsh fluorescent lights above them forcing them to slip shut again.

"Aubrey?" she croaked hoarsely. Aubrey hadn't left her. Why would she stick around when it was obvious Beca was unstable and edging the wrong side of sanity? She was nothing but damaged goods and yet Aubrey was here by her side as if none of that mattered. A hand immediately took hers into its own.

"I'm here Beca."

"We're here too, Beca!" Chloe called out. Beca opened her eyes and was immediately greeted with the concerned faces of Chloe, Stacie, and Jessica, along with Aubrey. Seeing so many faces so suddenly she clambered up and turned away. Bad enough that Aubrey saw her like this but now knowing the others knew too, she couldn't handle it.

Aubrey watched her tense up, she immediately turned to their teammates.

"Hey, guys. I think all of the faces right now is kinda overwhelming. I'm sure she's glad your guys are here to support her but I think she just wants to be alone right now."

Chloe nodded, peeking over Aubrey's shoulder to where Beca laid in the corner of the physical trainer's office. "Alright. Just let us know what Ms. Jackie says, ok."

Aubrey agreed and walked them to the door before bidding them goodbye. She grabbed a warm towel out of the steamer next to the ice baths and brought it over to the brunette. She sat down on the edge of the bed and used the towel to wipe at the beads of sweat on Beca's forehead.

"Are you ok, Beca?" she asked softly. Beca grabbed her hand tightly, and looked up at her through glassy eyes.

"I can't go to New York." She whispered.

Aubrey nodded and continued to wipe Beca's forehead soothingly with the towel. "It's ok. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

Beca tucked her head into Aubrey's side and gripped her hand as her body was overcome with sorrow. "I can't, Bree. I just can't." she whimpered, not caring if Aubrey saw her in such a vulnerable state. Aubrey was the only thing that felt safe right now and she was terrified to let go of the only safety net she had in a long time.

Aubrey looked down at the sobbing woman in her arms and ran her free hand through her hair. She didn't know the full story of why Beca left home but she knew she had this overwhelming sense of protectiveness of the brunette. Whatever the younger woman was running from, Aubrey would happily stand in the way and guard her against whatever demons were waiting for Beca in her home state. Beca might not feel the same way she felt about the brunette but Aubrey was committed to Beca—even if it were only friendship that tied them.


	19. Chapter 18

_Dear Beca, _

_ It's not your fault. It's not your fault. What she did to you is not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault it's not your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. __**IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!**_

"So, what's going on with you and Beca?" Chloe asked, flopping down on her best friend's bed while the blonde packed her suitcase.

Aubrey glanced at the redhead before returning her focus to the jeans she was currently folding. "What do you mean?"

"You two have been spending a lot of time together. I'm surprised she's not here with all the time she's been spending in the apartment lately."

Aubrey walked over to her closet to grab her Toms, picking them up along with her Nikes and going back over to her bed to deposit them in her suitcase. "Beca's not—she's not going with us to New York."

"What! Well did you ask her why?"

"Yes I did Chloe."

"Well then what did she say? You can't just let her—"

"Chloe, please!" Aubrey sighed and dropped the clothes in her hands. She turned to look at her best friend and said, "Beca's not going and there's a reason ok?"

Chloe nodded. She'd known Aubrey well enough to know when not to argue any longer. She had a strong feeling that Aubrey had been successful in getting Beca to trust her and confide in her about her personal demons. If Aubrey said there was a reason Beca didn't want to return home Chloe would believe her without question. "You really like her don't you?"

Aubrey sighed and sat next to her suitcase. "Yes." She admitted softly. "I just—I like her…I like her a lot but I literally _just_ ended things with Charlie. I care so much about Beca and the last thing I want is for her to feel like she's a rebound."

Chloe wrapped her arm around her best friend and pulled her close. "Don't worry Bree. Beca would never think that about you."

"But what if—what if she doesn't feel the same way about me?"

"Bumblebee, you really have no idea how great of a person you are? Beca would have to be crazy not to fall head over heels for you."

Aubrey smiled softly at her friend wanting to believe her but knew it was a wild dream. How oculd Beca ever want her when Aubrey was doing something as selfish as indirectly milking her for information for a grade. She stood up and suggested that they get back to packing. "The bus leaves in two hours and I want to stop by Beca's place before we go."

Chloe nodded and stood to return to her room. She walked out the door before turning to look at her best friend, "Bree?"

"Yeah?"

"She lets you hold her hand. It might seem insignificant for someone else but for Beca it speaks volumes. She trusts you to let her in and see the real her. If that doesn't say she cares for you then I don't know what does."

_And another one bites the dust  
Oh why can I not conquer love?  
And I might have thought that we were one  
Wanted to fight this war without weapons_

Television Snow.

An endless stream of static noise.

Beca sat in the room, the only light stemming from the endless stream of static on her television. It had been two days since she learned the team would be traveling to New York City for a holiday tournament. An unopened bottle of Tennessee's finest, Jack Daniels, sat on her table and Beca was seconds from drinking it.

_Julia came sliding into the living room and Beca slide in seconds later, skidding to a halt right next to her. the two brunettes, donning white button down shirts and white socks, hair brushes in hand were dancing throughout the house, radio on full blast as they sang._

"_**I'd sell my soul for you babe. For the money to burn with you."**__ Julia sang. She reached down and pulled the hair clip from Beca's hair, grinning when the younger girl shook her hair wildly. _

"_**I'd give you all, and have none, babe. Just to, just to, just, to have you here by me because…" **__Beca____continued, jumping onto the couch. _

_Julia followed, dropping to her knees on the tawny couch so that she was eye level with Beca, and she began the chorus._ _**"**__**In the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more" **_

_Beca giggled as Julia tussled her hair playfully. The younger girl held her faux microphone to her mouth and sang happily, __**"With a rebel yell, she cried 'more, more, more.'"**_

"_**In the midnight hour babe, more, more, more. With a rebel yell she cried more, more, more."**_

_Julia stood up and lifted Beca in her arms spinning her playfully, Beca's innocent laughter spawning her on. When the dizziness became too much she collapsed back on the sofa holding Beca as their laughter filled the room._

_Beca looked up at the older woman and asked, "Did I do good, Ms. Julia. Did I sing the song right?"_

_Julia poked her nose playfully, "It's 'well', honey. And yes you sang the song well."_

_Beca beamed at the compliment and sat up straight on Julia's lap. "Do you think I can be a singer like Billy Idol?"_

_Julia kissed her forehead and nodded, "You can be anything you want, Blackbird. As long as you're willing to work for it, there's no limit to what you can accomplish. So if you want to sell out Madison Square Garden, sweetheart, you can."_

_Beca threw her arms around Julia and pulled her into a bone crushing hug. "Will you be there?"_

_Julia smiled, bringing her arms around the eight year old and holding her close. "I'll be in the front row always, honey. I'll always be there."_

Aubrey knocked on the door hoping Beca was alright. She called her cell phone repeatedly and it went to voicemail. The bus that would take them to New York sat on the outside of campus and Aubrey wanted to check on Beca before they departed to see if Beca changed her mind about going along. It was only a few minutes past dawn, and she figured Beca was probably asleep which is why she was surprised to hear Beca's voice.

"Come in."

Aubrey turned the door knob, displeased at how often Beca kept her apartment door unlocked. Stepping into the dark apartment she spotted Beca sitting on the couch and she made her way over to the brunette. The loud sound from the television being the only thing

"Why are you sitting in the dark?"

Beca's eyes remained focus in front of her as she monotonously answered, "I couldn't sleep."

She pulled her knees up under her chin when she felt the weight of Aubrey settling next to her on the couch.

The blonde reached out for her in the dark but Beca flinched. She didn't want to be touched at the moment.

"How long have you been sitting here?"

"Since you dropped me off after practice."

Aubrey sighed, taking in the dark room, looking for anything out of order in the apartment. The last time Beca was like this, she was alone in her apartment with an immense amount of alcohol and she nearly bled herself dry with all of the glass in the apartment. Her eyes landed on the coffee table and for the first time she recognized the bottle of whiskey on the table.

Reaching out, she picked up the bottle and sighed in relief when she saw that was unopened.

Beca wiped at a fallen tear and hoarsely said, "I bought it and I had every intention of drinking it but I…"

Aubrey looked at her, "You what?"

"I—I didn't want to disappoint you. You went through a lot to get me into AA and making sure coach didn't find out. I couldn't let that all go to waste."

Aubrey smiled sadly at her, reaching over to turn on the small lamp next to the couch. Seeing Beca in the light, the brunette looked so small and worn down from where she sat on the couch. Aubrey reached out slowly, not wanting to startle Beca, and grabbed her hand soothingly rubbed her thumb over the back of it.

"I came by to see if you changed your mind about going to the tournament."

"No." Beca said, rather forcefully. "There's a reason why I haven't been home in two years." Julia had a wonderful habit of always knowing where Beca was and placing herself in that location. Beca whole heartedly believed if Roosevelt high wasn't tying her to New York, she'd have left the state a long time ago and followed Beca to Georgia.

"I know, but maybe it's not a good idea for you to be here alone so that you could contemplate drinking again…and I—I would love if it you came and at least watched the games even if you didn't play."

Beca glanced over at her, confusion painting her face, and Aubrey chuckled lightly as she kept her eyes trained on the hand in hers.

"Believe it or not, Mitchell, you give me confidence. You make me want to play my best."

Beca couldn't help the small smile on her face as she watched Aubrey stare at their joined hands shyly.

"Coach gave me all of the information including where we'd be staying and the where games are being held. You won't have to go anywhere but those two places." She said, looking up at Beca hopefully.

Beca _really_ didn't want to return to New York but for some reason she didn't want to disappoint Aubrey and she knew she would do just that if she remained on campus and fell of the wagon like she had intended to do before Aubrey arrived. It was surprising to her every day to see how much the blonde was slowly changing her. When she was with Aubrey she felt invincible despite all of her fears and she trusted the blonde more than she had every trusted anyone else in her life with the exception of Julia.

Aubrey was right, she didn't have to go anywhere but the hotel and to the games. Besides, she made a commitment to the team and couldn't disappoint them. And when she finally agreed, the smile Aubrey gave her made all of the fear of what awaited her in New York, seem all the more bearable.

_And I wanted it, I wanted it bad  
But there were so many red flags  
Now another one bites the dust  
Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no on_

Beca was greeted with loud cheers as she made her way onto the bus. It was obvious by all of the looks of relief she received that everyone was glad she'd changed her mind about going with them. Aubrey walked ahead of her, dropping the brunette's gym bag into one of the three seaters before taking her seat across the aisle, knowing Beca probably wanted to be alone. The brunette made her way to the back and when she saw where her bag was placed, she sighed and grabbed it, taking a seat next to the blonde. She wanted to be alone but didn't Aubrey realize by now she was the exception to the rule. Beca didn't want to talk and laugh with the other girls and she found her definition of solitude changing to mean, being with Aubrey—just sitting with each other and enjoying each other's presence.

Aubrey was unable to contain her smile when Beca sat next to her and Beca rolled her eyes at the blonde's joy. "It's a long ride and I know how restless you get sitting in one place for a long time." The brunette joked lightly.

She pulled her iPad out of her bag and queued up Netflix, resuming the episode of Rugrats that she hadn't finished the other night.

A few hours into the ride, Chloe peeked behind her to her two friends and smiled brightly at the sight of Beca's head resting on Aubrey's shoulder sleeping peacefully, while the brunette read one of her articles for class, her free hand gently raking through Beca's hair.

Aubrey sensed the redhead's presence and rolled her eyes at her roommate's smug grin. Chloe might have been right but she be damned if she admitted that to the redhead's face so that she could gloat about it for the rest of her life.

_You did not break me  
I'm still fighting for peace_

_Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,  
But your blade - it might be too sharp  
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,  
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast  
But you won't see me fall apart  
'Cause I've got an elastic heart_

_I've got an elastic heart  
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart_

"Alright ladies, you know my rules, no drinking, no leaving the hotel after midnight, and no one is to be in your room that isn't a Barden basketball player, understand?" coach Abernathy instructed, her eyes focusing on Stacie and Fat Amy in particular. The tall brunette looked at her coach indignantly, "Hey, why are you assuming I'm gonna be the one to break the rule? I'm not the one who had a guy basically scale the building to get into my room." She said, looking at Chloe. The redhead blushed and turned away from the group.

Beca nudged Aubrey and whispered, "You have to tell me the story behind that."

"I'm not looking at anyone in particular." Gail said and handed out the room keys.

Aubrey took a pair of key cards from their coach and handed one to Beca. "I hope you don't mind that we're sharing a room."

Beca nodded and they made their way to the elevator to go to their room. As they walked down the hallway that led to their room Aubrey took her hand and said, "I'm glad that you decided to come along."

Beca nodded and shrugged, "I didn't want to let the team down."

When they entered their room, the first thing they did, on Beca's suggestion, was empty the minibar.

Not long after, Chloe came by, on the phone Face-timing her son. Hearing the little boy's voice, Aubrey immediately made her way over to Chloe to see her godson.

"Hey, little one!"

"Hi, Aunt Aubrey." Noah said.

Chloe looked at the brunette sitting on the opposite side of the room and waved her over. "C'mere Beca. I want you to meet my son."

Beca looked at Aubrey, unsure of whether or not to comply with the redhead's request. Aubrey gave her a subtle nod and Beca stood, making her way over to where the two stood.

Beca waved at the phone awkwardly, not sure what to say. She didn't mean to act such a way but being around children always made her nervous. Ever since her ordeal with Julia she always had this lingering fear that she was sick just like the older woman and wouldn't be able to control herself around children either. She would rather kill herself than put a child through what she went through so she avoided them at all cost.

The three of them sat around Chloe's iPhone while the four year old showed them the drawing he made of his family for his teacher, Miss Molly. "And that's you mommy." Noah said, pointing to the figure in on the left with red scribbles on top of her head to represent Chloe's red hair. Beca smiled to herself, the innocence of the little boy was refreshing for her with everything she was dealing with.

The three talked to Chloe's son for another ten minutes before the sound of the rest of the team at their door interrupted them. Chloe stood up and walked into the bathroom to sing to Noah until he fell asleep while Beca answered the door.

Stacie walked in with the rest of the team following behind dressed in various forms of outerwear. Beca then realized that Chloe had been dressed in a black sequin dress before she disappeared into the bathroom.

Aubrey looked at her teammates in confusion. "Where are you guys going?"

Fat Amy flopped down on Aubrey's bed and said, "We're going out and we came to get you two."

"Coach won't allow that."

Stacie shrugged, "And that's why we aren't telling her."

Aubrey shook her head, "No. I'm not going."

Jessica looked at Beca hopefully, "Will you at least go?" she asked, going to take a seat on Beca's bed. However before she could sit down, Beca immediately told her to get off.

Jessica looked at the brunette, slightly hurt by her outburst. Beca realized how harsh she sounded and went to apologize but realized there was no point. She didn't want anyone sitting on her bed, it was a private sanctuary that she didn't want tainted. The only exception she had made was for Aubrey, but as she realized long ago, Aubrey was different from everyone else.

Jessica sat down on Aubrey's bed instead and began to massage her left calf. "Are you alright, jess? You better not think about backing out now." Ashley said, coming to sit next to her girlfriend. Jessica shook her head and pecked Ashley on the lips before giving her a reassuring smile. "No, I'm ok. My leg is just sore is all. Probably from my run last night."

Chloe came out of the bathroom and sat next to Jessica. "Becs, you have to go. It's not going to be any fun without you."

"Way to make us feel special." Fat Amy mumbled.

"No. I'm only leaving to go to the games, that's it." Beca said, walking to retrieve her suitcase from where she had deposited it by the door when they first arrived.

Stacie chuckled, "Why not, Becs? Are you hiding from an old girlfriend?"

Beca glared at her. The other girls laughed at Stacie's choke and Beca could feel her face heating up in embarrassment and anger. She dropped her suitcase on her bed before turning on her heels and storming into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

Everyone looked at the bathroom door in confusion and Aubrey sighed. "Don't worry about it." she said to the team. "Go out and have fun. Just don't get caught or get in trouble. The last thing we need is our starting lineup being forced to sit out because they were hung over."

She walked them to the door and when everyone was gone she closed the door and made her way over to the bathroom. She knocked lightly, "they're gone, Beca."

A few minutes later Beca retreated from the bathroom and muttered a soft thanks to the blonde. Aubrey could see her eyes were red and she made a note that she really needed to talk to the team about their lack of tact. How she would do that without revealing what Beca had told her in confidence, she didn't know but she'd figure it out when the time came.

Beca walked over to her bed and sat down on the edge. "You know, you didn't have to stay for me."

Aubrey shook her head as she sat next to her. "I convinced you to come here with us, the least I could do is keep you company."

Beca chuckled and kicked off her converse, using the heel of her foot to push them under her bed. "Well, what do you want to do?"

Aubrey shrugged, "I haven't eaten so I guess we could order room service."

"And watch terrible horror movies on Netflix?" Beca added. The two women smiled at each other and Aubrey stood up, "I'll grab the menus."

"I'll queue up the movies."

Aubrey looked up from the various menus in her hand over to where Beca stood. "Beca?"

Beca looked at her as she waited for Netflix to load. "Yeah?"

"You know, there's no one I'd rather spend the night with."

Beca smiled at her. "Me either, Bree."

"Not even, Chloe?"

"Not even Charlie?" Beca countered.

Aubrey turned to look at Beca fully, a small smile tugging at her lips as she softly answered, "No, not even Charlie."

And Beca nodded as well, "Not even Chloe."

_And I will stay up through the night  
And let's be clear, won't close my eyes  
And I know that I can survive  
I'll walk through fire to save my life_

_And I want it, I want my life so bad  
I'm doing everything I can  
Then another one bites the dust  
It's hard to lose a chosen one_

"Waffles and ice cream, really?"

Beca shrugged, "We can't all be grownups like you." Beca said gesturing to Aubrey's plate where she was eating tofu stir-fry.

"Oh my god, just eat the dude." Beca yelled at the television. The two women had decided on the movie 'Hunger' and were currently watching the part of the film where the main character, Jordon, was trying to talk the other characters out of eating one of the sick characters.

"Beca, they can't just eat him, it's wrong."

"Well you try and go twenty days without food. I'm pretty sure that dude's arm looks like a prime steak to them at this point."

As they turned back to the screen, beca glanced at Aubrey discreetly before saying "Thank you for not leaving."

"I'm having way more fun here then I'd ever have in a club anyway. When Chloe gets her 'ginger juice' she has a terrible tendency of humping anyone and anything within a five foot radius of her."

Beca snorted attempting to hold back laughter as she took another bite of the waffle on her plate.

Once they finished eating, the long day had finally caught up to them and they decided to finish up their movie marathon at a later time.

"Can I ask you a question?" Beca asked as she sat on her bed watching Aubrey braid her hair into a large French braid.

"Noah, uh…he looks about three or four years old. Did Chloe have him in high school?"

Aubrey hands fumbled, caught off guard by the question.

Beca noticed her shift uncomfortably at her question. "It's ok, if you can't tell me."

Aubrey sighed and dropped her hands, her braid momentarily neglected, "It's not that. Chloe would probably tell you if you asked anyway. I just don't like talking about it because it's hard remembering all that my best friend went through back then." She took a deep breath before looking the brunette and releasing the air in her lungs. "Chloe dated this guy, Dominic, back in high school. He was this golfing prodigy and was so popular. Of course, Chloe being miss congeniality, was also popular and it was only natural that they were in the same social circles. Well anyway, they started dating around the beginning of sophomore year and they seemed to be very happy until one day Chloe confided in me that he had begun to take out his anger on her. Their relationship only got worse as the years went on and after hitting her in the face with a golf club she finally had the courage to leave him. Of course, she went back to him." She said with an eye roll before looking at Beca to see if she was still following the story. "Well our senior year, he gave her an STD, and Chloe finally realized what type of scum she was dating. She broke up with him the night of prom. Charlie and I were there for support in case he tried anything."

"Did he?"

"No."

"No?"

"No. he didn't do anything. He said ok and that he would always love her and that he respected her decision."

"Ok, that's not suspicious at all." Beca said sarcastically.

Aubrey nodded and wiped at her eyes, remembering what happened making her emotional.

"Yeah. That's what I thought but Chloe convinced me that everything was ok, and three months without as much as a phone call from him, we thought she was right. We moved here, and started at Barden that August. I just…I shouldn't have let her go out that night by herself. She told me she'd be ok but my instincts told me I should have gone with her. He had followed her here and he kidnapped her. They found her two weeks later tied up in his family's summer house when he'd gone out for something. When they found him he tried to deny knowing anything of course but they found her bloody charm bracelet in her picket."

At the mention of the charm bracelet Beca was reminded of Chloe mentioning to her that her charm bracelet was stolen. She guessed in a way it was. In the same way the person that gave Beca her necklace had died. It was more metaphorical than literal.

"She found out she was pregnant at the hospital and she refused to abort the baby, saying she didn't want to punish her child for the sins of his or her father. Of course, with everything—the rape, the pregnancy—she didn't finish out the year. I really admire Chloe for managing to persevere through all of that. I don't think I could have returned to school after that and she not only did that but she is raising her son and doing it all with a smile on her face."

Beca got up and sat next to Aubrey on her bed. "I—I know Charlie was hitting you."

Aubrey scoffed and wiped at her eyes harshly. "So why didn't you confront me and yell at me for staying with her?"

"Because I—I know that it's not as simple as deciding to leave because sometimes that choice isn't yours." She said as her thumb brushed across the light bruise left behind by the stiches under Aubrey's eye.

"How?" Aubrey asked, her voice a light whisper as a light shudder raking through her body at Beca's touch.

"My mother needed…she needed heroin every day and some days…" she trailed off and looked away. Aubrey took her hand in hers and squeezed it supportively. Beca looked back at her and sighed. "Some days she didn't always have the money. So, she was forced to find other ways of funding her habit. Whether it was sleeping with her dealer, or being in relationships with some of the sleaziest guys on earth. I don't think I went a day without seeing a bruise on my mother's body when I was younger. And when I would ask her why she let those guys treat her that way she said it was because it was a necessary evil for her to survive." She scratched at her eyebrow and her voice softened as she said, "I sat across the table from her as she prepared her needle and she said, "I'd rather take a beating from Marcus then a beating from withdrawal." Beca chuckled bitterly and said, "She told me that she didn't care what anyone said, being dope sick is the worst pain that one could inflict on a human."

Aubrey watched beca go quiet and her shoulders slouch, telling Aubrey that maybe they had shared enough for the night. "I think we should call it a night, huh?" She suggested.

Beca nodded and the two laid down. Aubrey was surprised when Beca laid in her arms, instead of returning to her own bed and even more shocked when Beca draped her arm over her waist. She chose not to say anything, instead reaching over to the side table and turning off the lamp. Having Beca in her arms like this brought a happiness that she didn't think she'd ever experienced before.

Beca shuddered in content at the feeling of Aubrey's hand absent mindedly running through her hair. She was surprised to realize that she found such great comfort in the blonde's touch. Scooting closer to Aubrey, she draped her arm over the blonde's waist. She could feel Aubrey tense up before relaxing and she knew Aubrey felt the same way as her.

"Bree?"

"Yeah?"

"What you said to me before, about me giving you confidence, I understand."

Aubrey chuckled, "I have a hard time believing that I make you play any better than you already do."

Beca tilted her head to meet her eyes. Her gaze serious as she said, "You were right about the fact that I don't let anyone touch me." She grew quiet for a few moments to gather her words before looking back at Aubrey and saying, "You—you make me feel safe, Aubrey. I might give you confidence, but you—you give me security."

And it was true. She didn't love Aubrey, she had never felt that emotion before and she wasn't sure if she would ever be capable of that emotion but in moments like this she wondered if she could. Julia had broken her, shattered her into her unrepairable pieces but when she was in Aubrey's arms, she didn't feel so shattered. She didn't feel so damaged or broken.

When she was with Aubrey, even if it were only for a moment, she felt whole.

_You did not break me  
(You did not break me, no)  
I'm still fighting for peace_

_Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,  
But your blade - it might be too sharp  
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,  
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast  
But you won't see me fall apart  
'Cause I've got an elastic heart_


	20. Chapter 19

Chapter 19 _**Your Nightmares Follow You Like A Shadow**_

_Dear Mother,_

_Why were you so weak? How I could be strong and fight back when the very womb that spawned the essence of who I am was too weak to see the shit she shoved up her nose and injected in her veins was destroying her—destroying her daughter?"_

Aubrey awoke to the sound of Beca whispering harshly into her cellphone.

"I didn't call because I didn't see the point."

She could hear the anger in Beca's voice. She reached out to place a comforting hand on the brunette's shoulder but Beca shrugged her off before standing and walking to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

Aubrey laid back on her back, waiting for Beca to come out. Ten minutes later the bathroom door opened and she sat up, watching Beca to see what her next move was.

Beca sat on the edge of the bed, her back to Aubrey as she hid her face in her hands. "My mother called…apparently my father told her about us being here and she wanted to know why I didn't let her know. I just…it was as if she didn't hear anything I said on the phone. I don't want to go back to that house or see her and all she could say in response was she made dinner and that I should come by."

Aubrey placed a gentle hand on Beca's back, sighing lightly in relief that Beca didn't pull away from her touch. She sat up and sat behind Beca, wrapping her arms around Beca, knowing her touch was something Beca needed in this moment of crisis. "If you want to go, I can go with you for support…if you don't want to go, that's fine too. We have the gym for practice tomorrow afternoon and we don't have to be back until then."

Beca nodded, finally letting a tear fall. "She always makes me feel so _guilty_ when I choose to not see her."

Aubrey wiped at her tear, "It's ok, Beca. We don't have to go." She stood up and grabbed Beca's hand. "Let's go to breakfast. We can laugh at everyone's hangovers and make a decision afterwards."

Beca nodded, wiping at her fresh tears. "You're too good to me, Aubrey." She ghosted her finger along Aubrey's leg that was wrapped around her waist before tilting her head to meet Aubrey's eyes.

Aubrey smiled at her. "Well, don't worry, it's all for selfish reasons," she joked. "You need to be in top shape for the game."

Beca couldn't help but laugh out loud as she stood up to find something to wear in her suitcase. "Of course, you wouldn't be you if basketball wasn't your top priority." She joked.

When they went to the continental breakfast, as Aubrey predicted, many of the girls were sporting hangovers. Jessica, the only one who seemed to not be affected by the after effects of alcohol smirked at Beca as she spread cream cheese on a raisin bagel.

"It seems that the club we went to offered free drinks to any of the teams here in New York for the tournament." She explained. Beca and Aubrey looked at each other before bursting into laughter, earning several groans of disapproval at the noise.

After finishing up at breakfast, the two made their way back to their room. In the elevator, after hitting the button to take them to their floor, Beca turned to Aubrey.

"I—I've decided that I'll go. Just, for a little while and then we can leave. Just promise me, when I say so that we'll leave without any questions."

Aubrey nodded immediately, "of course."

_What have I done?  
Where have I come from?  
When I burnt the backs with the sun through a glass did I seal the loss that's become me?_

_Feeling undone  
What have I become?  
When I turned my back on you I turned my back on myself and became this machine_

_Thoughtlessness  
Selfishness  
Hopelessness  
Arrogant_

_I feel it on the inside  
Twisting and contorting  
Memory has shaped me once again_

145, Park Drive. That's where the two women stood, staring at the home from the sidewalk at the edge of the lawn.

"I don't think I can do this." Beca said, her voice quivering slightly.

"We can leave if you want to Beca. It's not too late."

Beca looked at her before turning back to look at her house. "No…" she took a deep breath before exhaling. "I need to face this…I need to face her." her hands shook and she quickly wiped her clammy hands on the fronts of her jeans. She could feel Aubrey's hand near hers and she didn't think twice about taking it into hers. Immediately, she felt a little bit better, the feeling of Aubrey's hand in hers reminding her that she wasn't alone in this.

The two smiled softly at each other before taking the first step toward the house. When they reached the front door Beca didn't move right away. Just remembering the terror she felt in this home for so many years as a child, the drugs, the alcohol, and the fights. She stared at the oak door in front of her for a long time before gathering the courage to step forward and knock.

The door opened after a few minutes and Aubrey watched as Beca was taken into the arms of a tall brunette who looked like an older version of Beca.

"Oh, Beca!"

Beca stood in her mother's arms awkwardly waiting for the older woman to release her.

"Aubrey, this is my mother. Ma, this is Aubrey. She plays on the team with me."

Aubrey stepped forward and extended her hand. "It's nice to meet you, Ma'am."

"Oh, none of this ma'am nonsense. Call me, Gwen." Beca's mother said, slapping Aubrey's hand lightly and pulling her into a hug as well.

Aubrey looked at Beca with wide eyes as she was pulled into Gwen's arms and Beca just stood with an amused grin.

Gwen ushered them inside telling them that she has a ham in the oven and diner would be ready shortly. "Don't worry, Beca, I made some of that vegetarian pasta you like as well. I'm just waiting on the sauce to cook. How about you girls settle in upstairs and I'll call you down when dinner's ready."

Beca nodded and took Aubrey's hand, leading her towards the stairs. She led her up to her bedroom, opening the door to the room she hadn't occupied in over two years.

Aubrey looked around, this room looking completely different from Beca's room back at school. While Beca's room at school was covered in cartoon paraphernalia, this one was covered in trophies, sports posters, and art supplies. A very large easel sat in the corner of the room holding an unfinished painting.

"This looks exactly how I expected you room to look."

Beca shrugged and walked over to the easel, taking the unfinished canvas and throwing it into her closet. "It served its function. C'mon, let's go downstairs and watch TV. It's kinda stuffy in here."

When they walked into the living room Gwen was sitting on the couch sorting through a box that sat perched next to her.

"Look what I found, honey." She said, pulling a green book out of the box. Aubrey took a seat on the armchair while Beca sat on the arm of the chair. Gwen held out a photo album.

"Come Aubrey and look at my little girl when she was only but a little girl."

Aubrey looked at Beca for reassurance and Beca rolled her eyes at her mother before shrugging at Aubrey. She didn't want to relive those years but if Aubrey wanted to see the book, who was she to stop her.

Aubrey stood up, casting another hesitant look at Beca as the brunette took her spot in the arm chair before sitting next to Gwen on the couch. She sat patiently, listening to Gwen's stories of Beca as a child with the occasional interjection from Beca.

"Oh, look at this one. This was her first game starting for Roosevelt."

Aubrey looked at the picture and smiled at the sight of a 14 year old Beca. She had a mouth full of braces as she stood next to who Aubrey assumed was her coach and they both smiled at the camera.

"Beca loved basketball. I just knew she was going to be successful with all of the time she spent at the gym with that coach." Gwen said, pointing to the older woman in the picture. Aubrey continued to flip through the book, noticing that many of the pictures of Beca also featured the older woman, the coach. She wondered if that was Julia.

"This woman must have been close to the family."

Gwen chuckled, "She loved Beca like she was her own."

Beca scoffed, "It wasn't like I was wanted here." She mumbled. Aubrey looked at her noticing the anger on her face as she sat slouched in her chair, her arms crossed defiantly.

Gwen sighed, "You're exaggerating Beca. Of course you were wanted here. But, sometimes I think you loved that coach more than me."

Beca stood up immediately, "I can't believe you think—you know what, I _need_ to get out of here." And she stormed out of the house. Aubrey looked at Gwen apologetically before standing. "I'm sorry. Let me go check on her."

She walked out of the house and found Beca sitting on the porch. From the way her shoulders shook, Aubrey could tell she was crying. She walked towards the steps and sat next to her on the last one.

"What's wrong?"

Beca didn't answer and continued to cradle her hand. Aubrey leaned over to try and meet Beca's eyes when she saw the blood. She watched as Beca picked at the corner of her hand, using her nail to bite into her skin and draw blood.

She immediately grabbed Beca's hand to stop her. "Why are you hurting yourself Beca?"

Beca didn't say anything and pulled her hand out of Aubrey's grasp. She resumed picking at her hand. "Do you want to hear a story?"

Aubrey couldn't tear her eyes from Beca's hands. "Ok." she said hesitantly, wanting to stop Beca's self-destructive behavior.

Beca still refused to look at her. "Well, it's a kid's story, so there aren't any big words."

"Ok."

"Once upon a time, somewhere miles and miles beneath the surface of the ocean, there lived a young octopus named Nina. Nina spent most of her time alone making strange creations out of rocks and shells. And she was very happy. But then on Monday the shark showed up. 'What's your name?' said the shark. 'Nina,' she replied. 'Do you want to be my friend?' he asked. 'OK. What do I have to do?' said Nina. Not much,' said the shark. 'Just let me eat one of your arms.' Nina had never had a friend before, so she wondered if this was what you had to do to get one. She looked down at her eight arms and decided it wouldn't be so bad to give up one. So she donated an arm to her wonderful new friend."

Aubrey watched as blood began to drip down Beca's hand but Beca seemed unfazed and just continued picking at her hand as she continued the story.  
"Every day that week, Nina and the shark would play together. They explored caves, built castles of sand, and swam really, really fast. And every night the shark would be hungry, and Nina would give him another one of her arms to eat. On Sunday, after playing all day, the shark told Nina that he was very hungry. 'I don't understand,' she said. 'I've already given you six of my arms, and now you want one more?' The shark looked at her with a friendly smile and said, 'I don't want one. This time I want them all.' 'But why?' Nina asked. And the shark replied, 'because that's what friends are for.'  
When the shark finished his meal, he felt very sad and lonely. He missed having someone to explore caves, build castles, and swim really, really fast with0. He missed Nina very much. So he swam away to find another friend."

The two sat in silence as Beca's voice trailed off once she'd finished the story. Aubrey took Beca's hand in hers, unable to watch Beca hurt herself any longer. "_Why_ are you hurting yourself Beca?" she repeated sadly.

The brunette wiped at her teary, red, eyes and said, "It's hard to think about anything else when there's blood coming out of you…I just feel so weak and this is the only way I feel strong. The only power I have."

Aubrey wiped a tear that managed to drop involuntarily. She hated seeing Beca like this and being here at her childhood home, Aubrey felt like she were approaching a truth about Beca she didn't think she was ready to learn. "Beca, you are the strongest person I know. I don't know who hurt you but you survived and that takes so much strength."

"But what if I can't fight anymore? I don't think I can." She rasped.

"Well then I'll be there to take you hand and fight for you."

Beca finally looked at her and for the first time she finally let Aubrey see all of her. Every broken piece of her that remained. And to see Aubrey look at her with that look in her eye that Beca dare not hope was love, she knew there was no one in the world she trusted more than the woman in front of her.

"Walk with me?" she whispered after some time.

"Where?"

"I don't know. Just anywhere but here."

Aubrey nodded, reaching into Beca's pocket to pull out the brunette's red beanie. She gently pulled the hat onto Beca's head, her hand coming down to rest softly on the brunette's cheek. At the moment she didn't care whether or not her actions conveyed her true feelings to the brunette. "I'll go anywhere you want me to follow."

Beca leaned forward and rested her forehead on Aubrey's shoulder. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Aubrey kissed the crown of her head, "Don't worry, I'll never leave you."

The two decided to walk to the nearest 7-11 for Slurpees. When they walked inside they made their way to the back where the frozen ice machine was kept.

"How about I grab the drinks and you find us something to eat." Aubrey suggested. Beca nodded and walked to the candy aisle.

"Is that Beca "The menace" Mitchell?"

Beca looked up immediately, in search of the person that had called her name. She mentally scolded herself for thinking that she wouldn't be recognized by anyone she knew. Putting on a fake smile, she turned around and came face to face with of her former teammates, Eliza. She had been a freshman when Beca graduated, making her a junior now.

"It is you!" she exclaimed before turning and calling to two other girls at the front of the store. Beca looked to see where she was looking and saw two more of her former teammates, Ashlee and Janice, come jogging over.

"Beca! It's been forever since we've seen you." Janice said, patting Beca on the shoulder.

"So what're you doing back in town? Are you here for the winter pep rally?"

Beca scratched at the back of her neck trying to discreetly look behind her to see what was taking Aubrey so long. It wasn't that she had a particular problem with either of the girls in front but she really just wanted to get back home and away from the questions they were bound to have. With Aubrey nowhere in sight, she turned her attention back to her former teammates.

"Uh, no. I was just visiting my mom." She said, purposely leaving out the fact that she was here for a basketball tournament. The last thing she needed was the three of them inviting themselves to her game, or worse, telling the team and it somehow got back to Julia that she was in town.

"Oh that's cool. Are you still over on Park?" Ashlee asked, pulling a Gatorade from the 7-11 bag in Janice's hand.

"Um, yeah we are. So, um, shouldn't you be in school or something?" Beca asked, referring to the fact that it was only noon.

Eliza shrugged, "yeah, but you know Mr. Farley. He tends to ramble for hours when talking about his team. We decided to ditch. But hey, since you're here why do you come back to the school with us? I'm sure all of the girls would love to see you."

Aubrey finally made her way back over to them, handing Beca one of the drinks in her hand. Beca sighed in relief, glad to have a distraction. She accepted her cup with a small thanks before turning back to the group. "Uh, Liz, that sounds great but we really should be getting home."

Eliza crossed her arms defiantly and looked over to Aubrey. "Hey, Beca's friend, tell Beca to come to pep rally with us."

Beca shook her head, "Uh huh, don't try and make Aubrey do your dirty work. I don't wanna go and that's that."

Janice stepped forward, pouting childishly. "But Beca, it's gonna be more fun with you there. Plus, this year we're gonna prank the juniors."

Eliza nodded in agreement and chimed in with, "Oh yeah, Beca you def have to be there. We're gonna start a water balloon war and since coach isn't there we won't have to worry about running lines as punishment."

Beca sighed. A part of her did want to see the team and her old teammates, but that school also housed the woman of her nightmares. She looked over at Aubrey who gave her a reassuring smile before turning back to Ashlee, Eliza, and Janice.

"You said coach left already?"

"Yup. You know she doesn't stick around after she presents us. She usually goes home, saying pep rally is a waste of a school day." Janice said. She clasped her hands together and looked at her hopefully. "So will you come?"

Beca looked between the girls then at Aubrey before looking back at her former teammates. With a sigh she nodded in acquiescence. "Alright. But only for a minute, then we have to go."

The three girls clapped excitedly. "Oh, you're not gonna regret this." Eliza said and wrapped her arm around Beca's shoulder to lead her out of the store with Ashlee, Janice, and Aubrey following.

"Somehow I doubt that." Beca mumbled.

_Still feel you on the inside  
Biting through and stinging  
Will I ever forget to remember?_

_Shadows in the sun  
Filter through us  
Still wrestle the demons that arrested me as a child  
Confession rejected  
We grow up  
To give up  
People step on the cracks for wounds owed paid back  
Through the words of surrender_

During her four years at Roosevelt high School, Beca had friends and she was known due to being a starting guard on the nationally recognized basketball team but she didn't consider herself to be popular by any means. However, as Eliza led her through the bleachers and the throngs of people she realized she must have made some sort of impression with all of the teachers and students that remembered her, but that was nothing in comparison to the greeting she received from her former teammates.

Aubrey was introduced to everyone who greeted her warmly once they learned she was a fellow basketball player. The two sat down to enjoy the remained of the event, answering the occasional question about college basketball.

"Alright ladies and gentlemen, we've decided that we'd end this year's pep rally with a new tradition. All of the coaches, myself included, decided that we'd recognize our new and young athletes and welcome to the Gator family." Mr. Farley, the swim coach said into the cordless microphone in his hand. "I know you all enjoy seeing my handsome face but I'll hand over the mic." The crowd cheered and Mr. Farley faked offense as he waited for the gym to grow quiet again. "Si, I'm gonna hand it over to the coach of our three time state champs, coach Matthews."

As the gym erupted into a defining applause, Beca blanched. Eliza must have felt her tense up because she leaned over and said, "Sorry, Becs. I didn't know they were planning to do this," but Beca couldn't hear her. The only thing she could focus on was the woman walking onto the court. The familiar click of her heels on the waxed floor sending a sharp pain through her chest as if she were stepping directly on Beca's thorax. She was just as Beca had remembered her in her nightmares, wearing the same white blouse and black pencil skirt that she'd always worn in school.

Beca wanted to leave but she knew standing and trying to exit the gym now would only draw attention to herself. He figured that she'd wait until everyone stood up again to cheer and then she'd make her way out of the room. She grabbed Aubrey's hand and met the blonde's eyes, trying to hide the brewing panic on her face. Aubrey mouthed "what's wrong?" but Beca simply turned away and looked back out onto the court.

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen." Julia's rang out from the speakers spread throughout the gym and it took all of Beca's self-control to choke down the vomit she felt billowing up her throat. "I know you all are excited to get home so I won't keep you long. This year we only have one new player. I came upon this young lady when she was only ten years old at our local YMCA. I haven't seen a talent like this in quite a few years."

Beca grimaced at the bright smile Julia gave to someone out in the crowd. She hated that smile. It was the same one she'd give Beca after Beca had done what she wanted. After she had kissed her or gone down on her. Just the idea that she was giving someone else that devious smile made her sick.

"We had our first game of the season last week and this player scored twenty-three of our forty-seven points. So give a big round of applause for our very own Johanna Marques."

Beca watched as Johanna made her way onto the court and she couldn't tear her eyes from the fourteen year old. She recognized the look on Johanna's face when Julia touched her shoulder. She recognized the uncomfortable flinch the teen tried to hide when Julia wrapped her arm around her waist and Beca was flooded with guilt knowing that it was partially her fault that Johanna was in the circumstance she was in. if she had said something before running off, maybe she could have saved the young girl from the demon that was Julia Matthews.

"No need to be jealous." Eliza joked, nudging her with her elbow to knock her out of her reverie.

"What in the hell do you mean by that?"

Eliza smirked smugly, "I was just saying there's no need to be jealous of Jo now that she's coach's favorite."

"I don't—"

One of her former teammates that was sitting behind, Tori, leaned forward and interrupted her with, "Oh come off it Beca. We all know why you used to room with coach during the playoffs and tournaments. You've graduated already, no need to lie about it anymore."

Beca looked at the two of them, the air suddenly expelled from her lungs. She swallowed the saliva in her mouth, trying to push down the knot in her throat as she looked at the amused grins on her former teammates' faces. She really hoped they weren't implying that her 'relationship' with Julia was consensual. But, seeing their faces, she knew that's exactly what they're implying.

Not caring any longer about being seen, she stood up. Aubrey tried to grab her hand but she snatched out of her grasp, mumbling that she needed to use the bathroom. She stumbled out of the gym, ignoring Eliza's and Tori's attempts to apologize and make excuses with "we were just joking." She walked to the bathroom on the opposite side of the first floor not wanting to be disturbed in what she was sure was going to be a nervous breakdown.

She walked into the bathroom and immediately walked over to the sink. She turned on the tap and collected a handful of water, bringing it to her face. How dare they assume what happened between her and Julia was consensual. They knew nothing! They only saw what Beca wanted them to see and they had no right to assume otherwise.

With a sigh, she gathered paper towel to dry her face. She was going to get Aubrey and they were gonna go home. It was a mistake coming here and she shouldn't have believed Eliza when she said Julia wasn't going to be at the school. The older woman had perfected the art of knowing where Beca was and putting herself in that place.

She exited the bathroom and slowly made her way back to the gym, hoping to avoid seeing Julia. She reasoned, if she stayed away from the gym long enough, Aubrey might come out and look for her instead of Beca having to go back in and find her. She regretted not grabbing her phone before she left.

Beca made her way down the senior hallway, memories of her time in high school immediately flowing back to her mind. The halls seemed so much larger when she attended the school. She stopped in front of the trophy cases lining the walls near the locker rooms. At the center of the middle case stood a large trophy, the one she helped win her sophomore year. It was the national title that she worked her ass off to bring back to New York and seeing it once again brought back that sense of pride she felt the day they had won it.

She bent over slightly to read the names on the plaque next to it, smiling softly to herself when she saw her name next to the double zero. She went to find the plaque of the state title from that year when she was stopped by someone calling her name.

"Rebeca?"

Beca's eyes closed as she prayed that it was just a figment of her imagination. She wasn't supposed to be here. Eliza and Ashlee said she gave them the day off and that she had already left for the day. The woman that made her stomach churn and caused fear to gather in the back of her throat, strangling her and making it impossible to breath. Shoulder length brown hair, and deep brown eyes. A sultry and educated voice, an intoxicating laugh, and lustful moan that made the devil himself blush. No matter how hard she tried, she could never scrub those things from her memory.

How many times would she feel the woman's thimble fingers in her hair, pulling her closer? How often would she smell that nightmarish perfume of lilac that haunted her memories? How many times would she stare at her basketball uniform and remember her taste…her _arousal._

When would she finally be free of her '_love'_?

She slowly turned around and as much as she prayed it wasn't her, she couldn't deny it any longer now that she stood face to face with the woman of her nightmares.

Julia Matthews.

_I feel it on the inside  
Twisting and contorting  
Memory has shaped me once again  
Still feel you on the inside  
Biting through and stinging  
Will I ever forget to remember?_

_Can you save me?  
From myself  
from these memories  
Can you save me?  
From myself  
From these memories_


	21. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20 **People Are Often Silent When They're Screaming Inside.

_Dear Ashlee, _

_You said at the gym that the whole team knew why I'd shared a room with Coach during our away games in the playoffs. Did you all think it was consensual, what we did—what she did to me? You have no idea what went on behind those doors once she did her rounds of the floor and made her way back to our hotel room. How I sat on the bed, knees to my chest wishing she'd just go to sleep—sometimes she did, but more often than not, she'd climb onto the bed next to me. Whisper sweet nothings in my ear and let her hand sneak under my shirt. None of that was a joke, something for the team to jest about behind my back. How dare you make a joke out of my pain—out of my life? _

_I didn't scream those nights but I damn sure cried. I didn't fight back but I couldn't, paralyzed in a situation I wanted desperately out of. Let me ask this, if a woman says she was raped but no one heard her scream, was she assaulted? I never told____**anyone**__ because for a long time I didn't want to admit what happened to me. By telling someone that made it real. That made it more fucked up and I wasn't ready to face any of that. So I kept Julia's secret and never said a word but the physical signs were there. So, I call bullshit on what you said and if not…if you're telling the truth then fuck you for not helping me. Fuck you for not being the friend I so __**desperately**__needed. I may have remained silent about what happened to me but remember, people are often silent when they're screaming inside._

"It _is_ you." Julia said and took a step towards the scared brunette.

Beca instinctively took a step back wanting to get as far away from Julia as quickly as possible before the older woman trapped her in her web once again. "I—I just needed to use the bathroom but I was just leaving."

"Did you get my letter?"

"No!" Beca said and quickly turned on her heels to get back to the safety of the gym. Back to the safety of Aubrey.

Julia grabbed her wrist, stopping her from getting far. "Please don't walk away, Blackbird. I've missed you _so_ _much_ and I just want to talk…how long have you been in town?" She asked taking another step towards Beca compelling the younger woman to take another step in the opposite direction.

Beca cried out when her back hit the wall and she realized she was trapped. It was as if she was eight years old again and powerless to the charm of Julia Matthews. "Leave me alone," she gasped out, her eyes wide with fear.

"But I can't do that, Blackbird. It's been two _long _years since I've seen you."

Beca looked up at her as heavy tears flowed down her face and she wiped them away in embarrassment. "What do you want from me?" she asked in exasperation.

"I just want to talk to my _favorite _player." She purred, closing the distance between them until they were flush against each other. "I see that you've started playing again. Coach Abernathy is it? She can't be a better coach than me, can she?" Julia's hand ghosted along Beca's jawline before coming to rest at the side of her neck. Beca wasn't so far gone that she didn't see her lean in but she was on the brinks of dissociation and therefore couldn't stop her.

"Did you miss me, Blackbird?" Julia whispered softly. Her lips peppered kisses along Beca's jaw until they landed on Beca's lips and she pulled her into a deeper kiss. Tears fell from Beca's eyes as she tried hard to fight the cloud in her mind, to find a modicum of strength to push Julia away. To get her tongue out of her mouth and her hands off her body.

"I have so much I want to say to you but I just can't help myself after being away from you for _so long_, Blackbird." Julia husked. She cupped the back of Beca's head and brought her mouth softly over the younger girl's as her other raked across Beca's stomach under her shirt. Beca whimpered, tears falling from her eyes as she stood helpless while Julia skillfully unbuckled her belt before moving onto the button of her pants.

"Don't worry honey, just let me do the work."

"_Oh look at that one, it's so little and adorable." Aubrey said pointing to the small little duck in the center of the flock. "I'll call her Beca, since she's so small."_

_Beca looked at her indignantly although the corners of her mouth twitched as she tried to fight a smile. She threw the piece of bread in her hand out into the water. "Oh really. Well then you're that one right there." She said pointing to the duck in the front of a line of ducks that were swimming away. "The drill sergeant that makes sure all of the little ducks are in line."_

"_So you think I'm a drill sergeant?" Aubrey asked playfully. _

_Beca shrugged and continued to throw bread in the water. "Well no, not really but sometimes you come close." She turned to face Aubrey and said, "Don't worry, it's one of those endearing traits about you."_

"_And what's so endearing about being bossy?" Aubrey huffed. _

_Beca chuckled and took Aubrey's hand in hers, leading her away from the pond over to the bench behind them. Beca took a seat and watched as Aubrey followed before speaking. "You're not bossy. You just—you just want to see us succeed as a team and although it may seem like you're drilling us like were training for the navy seals, we all appreciate it because you're making us stronger." She wrapped her arm around Aubrey's shoulder, smiling to herself when Aubrey's head came to rest against her shoulder._

"_Do you really believe that?" Aubrey whispered._

"_Well I can't speak for the rest of the team but for me, personally, you make me feel like no matter the obstacle I can face it."_

_Aubrey scoffed, laughing lightly, "God you're so cheesy."_

_Beca joined in on her laughter, "I'm serious, Bree. Sometimes, no matter how tough I try to act, sometimes I'm just—I feel like I'm fighting the world…Just knowing you're in my corner to give me that extra push means more to me than you'll ever know."_

_Aubrey lifted their laced hands and kissed Beca's knuckles lightly. "Well don't worry Beca. I'm always in your corner."_

Beca could feel Julia's hand in her underwear and each finger felt like a poisonous thorn. How could she be so stupid and come out here alone? '_It's your own fault for being so careless to wander an empty hall. You deserve everything that happens.' _She thought. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to retreat into her mind, the sanctuary she had created when she was younger to protect her in moments like this. Julia would do what she always did and then leave. Then Beca could go home and crawl into a corner to deal with the shame and guilt.

"Beca?"

Beca attempted to blink away the fog when she heard someone call her name and she tried to push herself up right from where she was slouched against the wall.

Aubrey rounded the corner just as Julia pulled away from Beca. She noticed Beca's unbuckled pants and the way Beca wiped at her mouth with the back of her hand as she glared at the woman in front of her. Aubrey quickly made her way over to the two, sensing Beca's distress right away. She held Beca's face in her hands as she tried to get the brunette to look at her but Beca refused. "Are you okay, Beca?" she asked.

"She's fine. Aren't you, honey?"

Aubrey turned around to face Julia who stood behind them with her arms crossed in front of her chest and a smug smile on her face.

"Who are you?" Aubrey asked, not bothering to hide the disdain from her voice. She recognized the woman from the photo albums Beca's mother had showed her but even in the short time she was in the older woman's presence she got a terrible vibe from her.

Julia took a step forward and extended her hand, "Hello. I am Julia Matthews, Rebeca's high school basketball coach."

When beca saw the smile Julia managed to put on so convincingly, she couldn't' help but think bitterly that Julia was such a great actress—you don't managed to rape a young child for nearly a decade and not have anyone the wiser without being one. She'd give Meryl Streep a run for her money.

Aubrey tried not to show the alarm on her face when she heard the woman say her name. Julia. Beca had called her that on thanksgiving when she nearly killed her.

"_Think about your next words carefully, Julia."_

The blonde looked from Beca, realizing that Beca was genuinely terrified of the woman in front of her, despite how much she tried to hide it and she could feel she had encroached upon the nightmare Beca desperately wanted solace form. That sudden protectiveness she found she always possessed around Beca came to the forefront and she knew she had to find a safe way to get Beca out of here.

Tightening her grip on Beca's hand she pulled Beca to her and quickly told the older woman that they needed to get home, that Beca's mother was awaiting their return. Julia didn't seem too pleased with that, and Aubrey smirked internally at her frustration. If she thought she would have easy access to Beca, she was wrong. She would have to get through Aubrey and Posen's didn't back down to any form of intimidation. She could see the anger in Julia's eyes as she stared at Beca and Aubrey knew that Julia didn't like how close the brunette was to her _friend. _Beca smiled internally at the feeling of Aubrey standing up from her and Aubrey's words from before echoed through her mind.

"_But what if I can't fight anymore? I don't think I can." _

"_Well then I'll be there to take you hand and fight for you."_

"Rebecca and I were just discussing her plans for the holiday." Julia said, neither girl in front of her missing the bitterness in her voice. Beca rolled her eyes as she desperately sought out Aubrey's hand. The only bit of safety she could find in this hellish nightmare. It took every ounce of willower not to attack Julia. How dare she come into this gym and speak to her as if she hadn't been terrorizing her just moments before in the hallway.

"Oh I'll save you the trouble. She's spending it with me." Aubrey snapped.

Julia glared at her, her eyes never leaving Aubrey as she asked Beca, "is that true, Blackbird?"

Beca didn't even bother answering her question and instead looked at Aubrey pleading with her silently to understand that she wanted to leave.

"If I may ask, who are you?" Julia asked turning her attention from Beca to Aubrey.

"I'm Aubrey, Beca's girlfriend." It was a lie—despite how much she wanted it to be true—but she knew it was likely to irritate Julia the most.

Julia's eyes narrowed as she appraised Aubrey before turning back to focus on her former student. "Beca, my offer still stands for the holidays. My number is the same. Your art room is still the same. I didn't touch anything."

Beca finished fixing her pants before standing up straight. "Burn it. I'm never going anywhere near that house again. Near _you_ again."

The two walked past Julia not even bothering to say goodbye but the older woman grabbed Beca's freehand, pulling her back momentarily. "My offer still stands." She whispered to her and Beca pushed her away, not caring how her behavior might be perceived to the students now spilling out of the gym. "You can go to hell." She said and took Aubrey's hand once again, allowing the blonde to lead her out of her out of the gym.

_She seemed dressed in all of me, stretched across my shame.  
All the torment and the pain  
Leaked through and covered me  
I'd do anything to have her to myself  
Just to have her for myself  
Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad._

The two remained silent the entire walk back to her mother's house. Beca dreaded the questions she knew Aubrey couldn't possibly put off any longer and she wasn't sure if she was ready to answer them. She had _never_ spoken of what Julia had done to her and now knowing she was going to tell Aubrey everything was overwhelming. But there was one thing she was certain of, there was no one she trusted as much as she trusted Aubrey and if there ever was someone to confide in she knew it was the girl next to her.

They walked into her house and made their way past the kitchen to the steps.

"You're home just in time. I just pulled the ham out of the oven." Gwen said, walking out of the kitchen as she removed her oven mitts.

"Ma, we can't stay for dinner. We need to get back to the hotel."

Gwen looked at the two crestfallen. "But you just got here. I—I haven't seen you in so long Beca. Please don't leave." She begged and Aubrey felt bad. She knew of her past relationship with her daughter and in the short time they were here Aubrey could see she was trying to make up for her shortcomings in the earlier decade of Beca's life.

"Ma, I don't _want_ to stay. Sitting here, eating dinner and playing nice isn't going to make everything better." She stormed out of the kitchen and ran up the stairs.

Aubrey looked at Gwen who appeared to be on the edge of tears before quickly apologizing for Beca and going after the brunette.

She found Beca in her room quickly gathering her stuff.

"Beca, just hold on a minute."

"No. I want to leave. You said that you would leave the moment I wanted to, no questions asked." Beca said as she walked over to her closet to grab her coat. In her rush to grab her things she hit her dresser and knocked one of her trophies off of its surface.

Reaching down she picked up the trophy and stared at it for a long time, turning it in her hand. Her 2000 points trophy that she earned her senior year. The one trophy that used to mean more to her than any of the others she had ever won but now only served as a reminder for how much she had sacrificed and given up because she loved basketball. In a fit of rage she threw the trophy at the wall.

Aubrey stood by the door helpless as she watched Beca pick up another trophy and destroy it before moving on to the posters on the wall, ripping them down and knocking all of the awards and medals off the shelves in her room. Beca cried as she continued to break and destroy her childhood room. A place that was supposed to be her sanctuary but only existed as a prison. She hated it and everything in it that reminded her of the childhood she lost.

Aubrey quickly made her way over to her and wrapped her arms around Beca, using all of her strength to restrain Beca. The two fell to the floor as Beca struggled to get out of her arms.

"Let me go, Aubrey!" she screamed and kicked at the easel next to them causing it to crash to the floor.

"No. I need you to calm down before you hurt yourself." She explained and tightened her hold on the brunette. After a few moments Beca stopped fighting her and broke down, her arms wrapping themselves around Aubrey and pulling her closer as she buried her face in the blonde's shoulder.

Aubrey held Beca close as she listened to Beca cry. "What did she do to you?"

Beca didn't respond and burrowed her face into Aubrey's shoulder again and continued to cry. She knew she couldn't hide from Aubrey any longer and a part of her didn't want to anymore. She was just afraid—terrified that when her secrets were laid bare and she was at her most vulnerable, Aubrey would realize that this was too much. That _she_ was too much and too damaged. And Beca didn't know what was worse, the idea that she'd have to deal with all of this anguish by herself for the rest of her life or Aubrey not wanting her anymore. Aubrey had become a lifeline for her and although she knew it was unhealthy, she didn't think she'd survive if Aubrey rejected her.

Aubrey wasn't sure if it were a blessing or a curse how easily she was able to read Beca. She felt the brunette tense in arms when she asked the question before being overcome with emotion. She could only imagine what was running through the brunette's mind. She feared that Beca doubted her ability to trust her and as she held Beca as her body was captured by sleep due to exhaustion she knew that beca didn't need to tell her what was already spelled out on front of her. She kissed Beca's forehead gently when she felt the sleeping girl tremble and whispered comfortingly in her ear, "I'm right here. I'll always be here."

_She is everything to me  
The unrequited dream  
A song that no one sings  
The unattainable, she's a myth that I have to believe in  
All I need to make it real is one more reason  
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad._

Beca awoke not long after, not being a heavy sleeper anyway. The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes were the concerned blue eyes of the only woman she'd ever truly cared about like this. What _this _was she wasn't sure but she knew she'd never want to feel this way about anyone but Aubrey.

"Do you still want to know?" She took a deep breath and pulled away from Aubrey's arms.

"I don't want to know anything you don't want me to know." Aubrey said, taking Beca's hand in hers.

"I'm asking because…because once I start I'm not sure you'll look at me the same."

"I would never view you any differently, Beca. Please believe me when I say that I lo—care about you and nothing you tell me will change that."

Beca sniffled and wiped her dry eyes before standing up, pulling Aubrey up as well. She led her down the hall to a staircase that led to the attic. They walked into the upper room, the only light peeking in from the window on the wall in the back. Beca felt around for a light switch and when she found it she pulled it, illuminating the dim room in bright glow.

"Don't worry. Ma, has an exterminator come every year to get rid of anything unpleasant." She explained as she brought her over to the wall closest to the window.

Aubrey nodded as she followed her, stopping when they reached the far end of the room. She watched Beca pull a large white sheet from over something against the wall and gasped at the sight of eleven paintings lined against the wall.

"These pieces I made for a gallery. AP Art, the only class I actually enjoyed."

Aubrey looked at each painting, never having truly seen Beca's artistic expression in this manner aside from the few sketches and unfinished portraits in in her dorm room.

"Wha—what is it called?"

"Tragic lives of beautiful children." Beca said and took a seat in front of the canvases, crossing her legs in front of her. She felt as if her heart were going to explode with how nervous she was. This was the first time she'd ever tell anyone what happened to her.

Aubrey sat next to her and waited patiently for Beca to begin.

"'member the painting on my wall?" she asked and when Aubrey nodded she looked at the canvases. "It's a part of this set." Pointing to the first painting, it illustrated a woman standing in a doorway naked. Her back was to the viewer and her arms were wrapped around her body, her hand covered in red paint—blood—Aubrey couldn't tell.

"Julia Matthews." Beca began. "Julia fucking Matthews. We met not long after my dad bailed and my mom started drinking and getting high. I—I used to hang out at the park just shooting around, watching the older kids. I always knew I wanted to be a basketball player. My baby sitter, Emma often took me to watch her and her friends play. They were so cool and tall." She said bumping Aubrey's shoulder with her own. She knew she had to lessen some of the tension early on because it would only get worse as she continued on in her story. "They were just everything I wanted to be…well one day the girls asked me if I wanted to play. I—I held my own in this game full of experienced basketball players and that's when she approached me. She was so—so _beautiful_."

Beca fumbled with her hands, unable to meet Aubrey's eyes. She didn't want to see the pity she knew they held. Taking a deep breath to gather her thoughts she continued. "Julia told me of how she was starting a youth league and was looking for kids my age to join. She asked was I interested and of course I was. The next day she picked me up from the park…it was supposed to just be a trip so that I could get proper sneakers but she took me to lunch and a movie before taking me home. I had never been to the movies before and here she was, taking me to see Finding Nemo and buying me popcorn and m&amp;ms. I remember not wanting to get out the car when we got to my house and when she asked me why, I didn't say anything and just got out the car, promising to tell my mom about the league. I never did. My mother, started drinking after my dad left and hooking up with losers that introduced her to cocaine. I started hating coming home. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom but fuck—I hated her too. Julia was an escape from that.

_Beca sat in bed, too frightened to go to sleep. At just eight years old, she was paralyzed with fear, afraid that if she fell asleep Peter, her mom's current boyfriend, might hurt her. She hated that she knew of such fear, but this fear was very real and much warranted. He might not have tried anything with her before but she had enough experience to know it didn't mean he wouldn't try anything in the future._

_Her mother and Peter were in a raging argument. Both of them drunk and high and her mother was adamant that he had stolen her stash. Beca knew her mother well enough to know she probably snorted her supply for the weekend and forgot about it. Beca had been sitting on the couch trying to drown out their amplifying voices when she saw her mother grab a kitchen knife and wield it at Peter. She tried to calm down her mother—the last thing she wanted was for her mother to be courted off to prison for attempted murder— and the older woman simply pushed her, causing her to hit her head on the table. That's where all of the blood coating the phone was coming from._

_She clutched the house phone in her hand afraid that if she let go it would disappear. She heard the voices grow louder and she was afraid that the fight would spill over into her room. Suddenly the door flew open and Peter ran in, dodging the frying pan her mother threw at him. Beca quickly scrambled towards the closet and pulled herself in, slamming the door shut behind her. She could hear Peter shouting for her mother to get out and not to drag Beca into it but her mother didn't care and continued screaming. _

_Peter was one of the few guys—although a dirt bag—that didn't like the way her mother treated her. He was always telling her mother to not shoot up in front of her and although Beca still hated him for supporting her mother's habits, he wasn't as bad as some of the other guys. Her mother's last boyfriend, Cage, would shoot meth at the kitchen table while Beca ate breakfast._

_Beca clutched the phone in her hand, her heart pounding in her ears. She hated her mother. She hated the fighting. She hated the drugs. She hated her life. Quickly dialing 411 she waited for the operator to speak._

"_**Welcome to directory assistance. For English, press one or stay on the line. Para espanol oprima numero dos." **_

_Beca quickly pressed one, nearly dropping the phone at the sound of a large crash echoing throughout her room before Peter yelled "Fuck!"_

"_**For business government listing please press one or say on the line. For resident posting please press two."**_

_She heard the door slam as she pressed the button labeled two, sighing that they had at least taken the fighting away from her. The last time this happened Beca ended up in the hospital with a black eye when her mother's last boyfriend pushed Gwen and she landed on Beca, her elbow hitting the young girl straight in the eye. She was lucky she only got a cut to the head this time. She just wished it would stop bleeding._

"_**Please say the city and state when you're ready."**_

"_Dover, New York." Beca whispered. She knew Julia lived in her city but she had no idea where and she hoped the operator would be able to help her. _

"_**One moment please, an operator will be right with you." **_

_Beca looked at the phone, panicked. Wasn't she speaking to an operator this entire time? She went to hang up and abandon her plan when a voice rang out from the phone._

"_**Name please."**_

"_Julia Matthews." She croaked, nervous that the operator on the other end wouldn't help her when she realized that she was only eight years old. She sighed in relief when the operator told her to wait while she connected her. _

"_**Hello?"**_

_Beca sighed at the sound of her voice and she felt like she could cry knowing she might finally have someone to save her from this hell._

"_H—Hello? Ms.—Ms. Julia?"_

"_Rebeca? Honey, is everything ok?"_

_Beca shook her head, tears falling down her cheeks, before she remembered that Julia couldn't see her._

"_I—I couldn't find your card so I called the operator lady and she gave me your number. I—I hope you're not mad."_

"_No, Rebeca. I'm not. Now tell me what's wrong."_

"_My ma and her boyfriend are arguing again. She has a knife."_

_She could hear shuffling on the other end of the phone and she asked what the cause was. Julia didn't answer right away and she was afraid that the other woman had hung up._

"_Julia?"_

"_I'm here honey. I'm just getting dressed. Are you hurt?"_

"_No." she said, her hand reaching up to touch the cut on her forehead. She looked at her fingers coated in fresh blood and she knew she couldn't lie to the older woman. _

"_I hit my head. It's bleeding."_

"_Alright, honey. Just hold on. I'm on my way."_

_Beca nodded and hung up the phone. She reached up above her and pulled one of her sweatshirts off a hanger. She pulled it over her head, not caring that she was staining the blue fabric with blood, before grabbing her shoes from the shoe rack behind her. She quickly slipped on her converse and grabbed the phone. She crawled out of the closet and over to her bedroom window. She waited to make sure her mother was still yelling at Peter in the other room before opening her window and crawling out of it. It was raining heavily but she didn't care. She just needed to get out of that house. She quickly walked over to the front of the house and took a seat on the curb to await Julia, shielding the phone under her shirt in case Julia called back._

_She waited patiently and as time wore in she began to wonder if maybe she should call back in case she forgot where she lived. How could she be so stupid? Julia had only been to her house one time, what if she didn't remember what her house looked like? There were a bunch of white houses on her street. Or what if instead of 145 Park Road, she went to 154 Park Street on the other side of town. _

_She decided to give Julia five more minutes before calling back to make sure she knew where she lived. The rain began to come down harder, if that were even possible, and she pulled on her hood, cradling her bleeding head in her hands to protect her face from the rain._

"_Rebeca?" _

_She looked up and was blinded by bright headlights from a car that she didn't hear pull up. The door opened and out stepped Julia, holding a large umbrella. The older woman quickly made her way around the car to where Beca sat and held the umbrella over her to shield her from the water coming down over them._

_Beca looked up at her. Her eyes were red and were burning from the rain that slipped past her hood. Blood was smeared across her face from her wound and she hadn't eaten all day since it was a Saturday and she wasn't able to eat at school. Yet, seeing Julia, she couldn't help but smile. "You came?" she rasped, her voice hoarse from the cold._

_Julia took her hand and pulled her to her feet, wrapping a protective arm around. "Yes, honey. I did. Don't worry, you're safe now."_

Aubrey watched Beca through teary eyes as the brunette traced her hand along the canvas in front of her. It didn't take a rocket scientist to guess the woman in the first painting was Julia.

"I don't know how, but Julia always said the right things. I used to think I was the reason they fought…the reason my father cheated—why my mom drank and got high. And she always…" her hands shook as they ran through her hair in an attempt to rein in her emotion. "She _always_ reassured me that I wasn't the reason. That my parents would have fought if I weren't there. That my mother would still get high and my dad would've still ran off. Julia took me into her home, she clothed me, and fed me. She cared for me in all of the ways my mother had failed and I was stupid to believe that she did it without expecting anything in return because she actually loved me."

_But I won't let this build up inside of me  
I won't let this build up inside of me  
I won't let this build up inside of me  
I won't let this build up inside of me_

It had been so long since she looked at these painting and seeing the next one completely broke her attempts to remain calm and not cry. No tears had fallen but she could feel that familiar tightening of her chest and the knot in her throat. She hated that she couldn't be strong and just tell Aubrey so that she would know and they could move past this. So that _she _could move past this.

She hated that she had no control over her emotions—at least when it came to this—and seeing that second painting, of a little girl covered in red handprints, she couldn't be strong. She was weak. A victim. And remembering what happened to her…the story these paintings told, she felt victimize all over again.

Aubrey looked at the second painting and her heart lurched. Knowing that the pictures told a chronological story, that the handprints on the little girl in painting number two were put there by the woman in the first painting, she wanted to find a way to lessen the pain Beca felt. She couldn't stop the sense of anger that rushed through her knowing the woman that caused all of this had stood in front of them as if she were an innocent party in this fucked up nightmare that was Beca's life. She wanted to at least hold Beca's hand and let her know she wasn't going anywhere but she also knew that Beca needed to tell her story without any interruptions and without distraction.

"Beca, you can stop. You don't need to tell—"

"The first time it happened was in her car." Beca said, not bothering to argue with Aubrey over whether or not to continue. She had committed to telling her what happened and she refused to quit now that the gate was open and everything was beginning to flood out.

"The first time it happened—that I remember—it was in her car. she kissed me and at first I thought it was funny but then she did it again and again and when I felt her-when I felt her tongue on my lips I pushed her away and I ran out the car. I didn't go to practice for a week. Eventually I went back and she apologized that she didn't mean it and how her husband and she being separated made her really lonely."

"What—what do you mean it was the first time you remembered?"

Beca sighed and looked at her through glassy eyes. "When I was younger, 9 or 10, there were a lot of gaps in my memory. Entire nights I couldn't account for and they would always happen after Julia let me 'talk her into' giving me wine." Beca scrubbed her eyes violently in an attempt to push away the tears gathering in her eyelids.

They both turned towards the third painting which showed a kid's bedroom with handprints coming from the closet door and in several places including a basketball by the closet door and a bunch on the bed in the center.

A single tear involuntarily fell down Beca's cheek and she wiped it away violently, furious with herself that she had lost the internal battle to control her emotions.

"After that, it was me 'catching' her touching herself or asking if I'd ever seen two women have sex." She said after a long moment's silence, trying to sound indifferent but only managed to sound broken. "I…I think he knew."

"Who?"

Beca looked down at her jeans, scrapping at a spot of dried paint on the knee.

"_Mr. Robert._" She whispered bitterly. "Julia's husband. When I first met him, he was always so nice and then before I knew it, he was moving out of her house. He looked at me with such anger in his eyes. I remember because she gave me this big bowl of chocolate ice-cream to keep me occupied while they argued. He was pissed yelling stuff like, 'so you were serious' and 'I see the way you look at her.' I had no idea what he meant." She wiped her tears that were now falling freely and said hoarsely, "Why didn't he say something to _me_?"

The next painting showed a little girl with a silk blindfold around her eyes with handprints on her. However, to Aubrey's horror, instead of the single set of red handprints like in the first three paintings, there was also a set of yellow handprints.

Aubrey let out an involuntary gasp. "Oh, Beca."

The brunette shook her head furiously, "I don't want your pity." She said in frustration. Beca turned back to the fourth painting and reached out to touch the area of the canvas painted in purple to depict the silk blindfold. "It only happened once, her sharing me, I mean…I still don't even know who the other woman was." She scoffed bitterly, "I guess that was the point of the blindfold, huh? To this day I try to remember if there was something distinct about her. But the only thing I can remember is lavender soap or shampoo. That throughout the whole thing she still had this strong smell of lavender on her." she shrugged, trying not to let her mind wonder to the one thing that has plagued her mind since it happened. "I'm not sure."

Aubrey gestured to the painting directly in front of her. "Is this from another set?" she asked. The painting showed a series of calendars on the floors and desks, each one stopping on the twenty eighth day. It was such a departure from the paintings before it that all depicted the same little girl.

Beca shook her head. "I didn't get my period for two years after my thirteenth birthday…I remember missing it for three months and I thought it was because of my training and then suddenly there was so much blood. I had PID."

"But—but how?"

Beca looked down at her hands unable to meet Aubrey's eyes. "J-Julia, that's how. She gave me chlamydia."

"I didn't know that was possible."

"Yeah it's fucking possible. It's even more possible to irreversibly scar your womb because you never knew you had it and so you never got it treated until it was too late. By the time I was diagnosed it had already developed into PID. They couldn't save my cervix or my fallopian tubes."

"How did you find out? I can't imagine pediatrician's regularly check for STDs."

Beca chuckled bitterly, "No. they don't. It happened in gym class. Blood just started pouring down my legs and I was sent to the nurse who had called 911. Julia was down as my emergency contact and she came there basically to tell me to keep my mouth shut."

_Beca looked up, sneering at the sight of Julia standing in the doorway. Bad enough she was forced to sit in these stupid paper pants with a maxi pad the size of beach towel in her underwear, but now she had to face the last fucking person she wanted to see. _

_Julia smiled at the nurse, Mrs. Austin, and asked the older woman to give her a few minutes alone with Beca and the elderly woman nodded, smiling at Beca before leaving the two in the room alone._

_Julia watched Mrs. Austin leave before closing the door. _

"_Rebeca…you're going to be taken to the hospital."_

_Beca rolled her eyes, not looking away from the window she was staring out of. The last thing she wanted to see was the woman who put her in this fucking position to begin with. She could hear Julia sigh and her footsteps as she approached her. _

"_Look at me Rebeca."_

_Beca ignored her and continued to look down at the street waiting for the ambulance to arrive. _

"_Look at me, Rebeca." She said, her voice more firm and assertive this time. _

_Beca sighed in annoyance as she turned around to face the woman sitting on the medical bed next to her. She crossed her arms and looked at Julia in anger. "What do you want?"_

"_Do not talk to me that way."_

"_How else should I talk to the woman who gave me fucking chlamydia?"_

_Julia visibly paled as her eyes darted to the door to make sure Mrs. Austin hadn't come back to the room or overheard Beca's outburst._

"_Rebeca, please be reasonable."_

_Beca took a ragged breath as her gaze flicked upwards while she tried to calm down. "Is there a reason you're here?"_

_Julia flinched at her sharp tone before nodding. "They're going to take you the emergency room to confirm what Mrs. Austin found. If they find anything you can't tell them how you got it ok, blackbird. Promise me you won't say anything Rebeca." _

_Beca nearly laughed out loud at how desperate Julia sounded. She actually appeared to be afraid. Afraid that someone would find out what kind of pervert she really was._

"_Rebeca, please promise me you won't say anything."_

_Beca scooted as close to the wall as possible in an attempt to get as far as possible from her. She just wanted to be anywhere but here and she wished shed just bleed to death and this entire thing would be over with._

"_Rebec—"_

"_Ok, whatever! I won't say anything." She returned her focus to the street sighing when the ambulance parked in front of the school. When they asked how she contracted chlamydia when she was only thirteen she'd tell them she experimented at camp. When they asked why she didn't use protection she'd lie and say she trusted the boy. All well-crafted lies that she'd feed the doctors until they left her alone. She'd hide the truth, not because she wanted to protect Julia—that was the last thing she wanted to do—but she knew that no one would believe her if she told them the truth. They wouldn't believe her if she told them _**her truth**_._

Beca's hands stretched out in front of her as she moved her hands as if strangling an imaginary figure. "I wanted to kill her. Apparently her gyno found it in her over the summer and she was treated but the bitch didn't stop to think 'maybe the kid I'm fucking might have it too."

Aubrey was still reeling from everything she had just heard and found herself asking "Do you know how she got it?" before assessing whether or not Beca was open to any of her questions.

Beca shrugged, "Probably from her ex-husband. She was still probably fucking him in her desperate attempt to prove to him that she wasn't a fucking pedophile."

_A catch in my throat choke  
Torn into pieces  
I won't, no!  
I don't wanna be this..._

Beca looked at the paintings in front of her, the anger at everything that happened to her finally reaching its boiling point. Her legs unfolded and she whipped her foot in anger until it smashed into the painting in front of her. she stood and unleashed all of the years' worth of pent up frustration, pain, and anguish she bottled up onto the canvases in front of her—their only crime being a terrible reminder of everything she hadn't been granted the mercy of forgetting.

Aubrey cried out for Beca to stop as she watched the brunette kick and destroy every painting in front of her.

"Those bastards couldn't see what was right in their faces. 'Your work is so expressive, Beca.' 'Is it a metaphor for depression, Miss Mitchell?' Fuck them! I tried to tell them and they didn't listen…they didn't listen."

Her knees buckled and she feel to her knees, folding over before her head hit the ground in front of her. She wailed in anger and sorrow for the terrible hand she'd been dealt. Why her?

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" she sobbed as she pounded her fist onto the hardwood floor under her. She squeezed her eyes shut as the floor in front of her morphed into a spiral and the horrendous rushing noise of deafening silence and her cries suffocated her. She could feel reality slipping through her fingertips like sand as she tried to reach out and find Aubrey's hand for purchase, hoping it would stop her from falling into the nightmarish vortex of her mind.

Each breath was becoming harder to take and she felt like her lungs were filling up with sand. "Aubrey." She rasped as she tried to gain control over an already lost battle. "Help me…"

"_C'mon honey. Please love me back. Please love me again." Julia whispered, her teeth biting at the shell of Beca's ear. She thrust into the fifteen year old under her, spurred on by the moans involuntarily pulled from Beca's mouth. Beca hated herself as she clutched at Julia's back, pulling her closer. Julia burrowed her head in the crook of Beca's neck and kissed the pulsing vein there. "There you go sweetie. Just enjoy it." _

_Tears fell as Beca groaned in unwanted pleasure. Julia smirked and wrapped her arms around Beca's waist, pulling her closer. "Fuck, your so wet, Blackbird," she husked. _

_Beca bit her lip until it drew blood, all at once wanting Julia to stop and to keep going, the guilt of this internal debate eating away at her. She hated not having control over her body and that familiar coiling in her stomach made her sick. Her moans were both desperate and pleading. Whether they were a demand for Julia to stop or to repeat her movement, not even she knew anymore. "I—I'm cu-"_

"_That's right, baby. Cum for me." _

_Her eyes slammed shut, her traitorous lips called out to Julia and disloyal hips bucked to match the older woman's rhythm. One thrust…two…three and she fluttered around Julia's hand. She cried out and clung to the body above her, clutching Julia's back as her personal boogeyman took her to oblivion._

_Beca sobbed while Julia climbed off of her. The older woman took her into her arms as the room around her began to settle. She trembled and tried to catch her breath, her emotions exacerbating her inability to breathe. _

_Julia kissed her forehead the way she always did after their time together and pulled her closer. "Don't worry, Blackbird, I'll always take care of you."_

"Beca, please say something."

She could hear Aubrey's voice but the words weren't making sense to her. She pulled off her jacket, dropping it carelessly behind her as she crawled to the steps and made her way down them. She didn't bother waiting for Aubrey and stumbled to the bathroom and over to the tub, quickly filling it with cold water. She kicked off her shoes and climbed inside.

The cold water was like a shock to her system and she was able to focus on something other than the walls closing in around her. She pulled her knees under her chin and tried to calm her erratic breathing.

Aubrey quickly made her way down the stairs and followed the sound of running water. She walked inside and saw Beca sitting in a tub of water crying into her hands.

"Beca?"

The brunette didn't answer so she did the only thing that felt right at the moment, she kicked off her shoes and walked over to the tub.

She put a foot into the water and jumped back, startled by the cold temperature. Taking a deep breath, she exhaled before stepping full into the tub and taking a seat next to Beca, instantly wrapping her arms around the brunette holding her while she cried.

"Beca, I just…I just want you to know I don't think any less of you knowing what I now know. I'm here if you need me, but we don't have to talk anymore if you don't want to."

The brunette looked up at her through swollen, red eyes, before resting her head back on Aubrey's shoulder and crying once again.

She held onto Aubrey as if she were a life preserver, struggling not to drown in this melancholy she felt was strangling her. Aubrey climbed into this tub of freezing water without hesitation and Beca knew that if Aubrey stayed with her until the end of this and helped her heal she knew she could possibly love her when it was all said and done.

_But I won't let this build up inside of me  
I won't let this build up inside of me  
I won't let this build up inside of me  
I won't let this build up inside of me_

_She isn't real  
I can't make her real  
She isn't real  
I can't make her real_


	22. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21: Show Me where it Hurts**

_Dear Mom, _

_If Julia was a man would you have noticed something was wrong? If she were a man, would you have been as accepting of me spending days—weeks at __**his**__house? Would you have been suspicious if I told you I had lost my virginity having never seen me in a relationship? Would you have cared that I was only eleven when you drunkenly asked? If Julia, the woman who molested and raped me right under your nose, was John—a man—would you have cared? Would you have cared at all? _

"The cold water grounded me whenever I'd have a panic attack. When—when I couldn't deal with the memories—the pain, I'd take a cold shower or go out into the rain. Anything to erase the feeling of _her_ on my body…It's been nearly 3 years since we've had sex and yet it feels like yesterday."

Aubrey flinched at Beca so casually referring to her abuse as sex. She made a mental note to look into the causes of that. She sighed and realized now wasn't the time to be focusing on her paper. After all this, she was convincing herself more and more every day to just delete her paper and take an F for her grade.

"I—I still lock my door in fear that she'll come in and make me touch her, kiss her… taste her. She used to always make sure I came first. Probably to absolve her guilt. 'Well if Beca came she must have enjoyed it.' 'Beca wouldn't be so wet and aroused if she didn't like it.' 'Beca would've told her to stop if she _really_ didn't want it.'" Beca looked at Aubrey with wet eyes and whispered, "I've never told anyone about that. Hell, I barely _thought_ about it—about her. How can it be rape if I had an orgasm?"

"Oh, Beca you can't believe your body's natural reaction to stimulation made what happened to you any less wrong." Aubrey said, her hand finding Beca's in the cold water.

Beca looked down at their laced hands before looking back up at Aubrey. "It _terrifies_ me being with women. Because I'm a lesbian does that mean I enjoyed what she did to me?"

Aubrey took Beca's hand and squeezed it reassuringly, "no, that isn't true and you can't let that idea fester in your mind or it will only bring you more sorrow."

Beca nodded, "I know…it's the rational thing to think but a part of me still hangs on the idea that some part of me must have liked it. It wasn't like I ran away. She was just so important to me and I used to think, she saved me from everything going on at home and she _did_ so I figured, for all she was giving me, I could put up with this one thing." She wiped at her eyes harshly to clear her vision clouded by tears. "My mother was a real bitch back then and her drinking was at its worst and Julia just took me in whenever I needed her to. She would pull up to my house, where I'd be waiting on the porch and take my hand. No questions, no matter the time of night, she always came…She always answered…She brought me school clothes and paid for my paint and canvases. I used to get picked on for my bucked teeth and I came home crying one day. Julia took me to get braces that weekend. When I was made fun of for not having a cell phone or the latest name brand clothes, Julia took me to the mall and bought me whatever I wanted. She was _really _good to me when—when she wasn't abusing me…She was my guardian angel and my demon and no matter how much I should have ran away, something always drew me back in."

"_Re—Rebeca!"_

_Beca looked up in alarm from where she stood discussing her shooting form with Julia. When she saw her mother standing in the gym doorway, leaning against the steel doors to stop from tumbling over, Beca was overcome with extreme embarrassment. The sixth grader quickly made her way over to her mother to convince her to leave but before she could get out a word the drunken woman grabbed her arm harshly. Beca screamed for her to let go but her mother held tight and began to pull her out of the gym._

"_Mrs. Mitchell—"_

"_I ain't—I ain't no damn Mitchell. Her bastard daddy left me… My name is Graham."_

_Julia walked closer to where the two stood, Beca trying to pry her mother's hand off of her wrist to no avail._

"_Ok, Ms. Graham, I understand that you want to speak to your daughter but I'd appreciate it if you didn't interrupt my practice."_

_Gwen dropped Beca's hand and stepped closer to Julia, her eyes narrowing in suspicion._

"_I don't like you. I—I don't like how ya—how yeeeer tryin' to take my daughter away from me." Gwen slurred, her index finger poking Julia accusatorily in the chest._

_Julia rolled her eyes and placed her hand on Gwen's bicep in an attempt to calm the obviously intoxicated woman. "Ms. Graham, please just calm—"_

"_Gerroff me!" Gwen hollered and shrugged out of Julia's grasp. "What's wrong wit ya, huh? Why do you wanna spend all yer time with a little girl anyway? Always buyin' her stuff n havin' her at yer house. Are you some kinda pedophile?"_

_Beca watched the scene fearfully, afraid her mother would hurt Julia. She couldn't stand Julia but at the moment she'd give anything to not have to go home with her mother—especially when she was like this. When Gwen called Julia a pedophile the coach visibly flinched before her jaw clenched in anger and she took a menacing step towards Beca's mother._

"_I'm only going to ask you once more, go home before I call security and they haul you out of here."_

"_I'm not goin' anywheeere without my daughter. Matter of fact, I'm takin' Beca out of basketball and were gonna move away."_

_Beca saw that what her mother said was the absolute wrong thing to say because it only increased Julia's anger tenfold._

_Gwen turned and walked away from Julia calling for Beca to follow her so they could go home. Beca looked at her mother and then back at Julia before shaking her head softly. "No."_

_Gwen turned around and looked at her daughter, "What did you say?"_

"_No. I—I want to stay. I—have a life here and friends and I don't to move again." And it was true. Did she particularly like her 'unique' relationship with Julia? No, she didn't. She hated it, actually. But she didn't think she could stand moving away again and having to be the new kid all over again. At least here people stopped picking on her bucked teeth and how small she was. In the last place they lived, she was called 'bucktooth Beca' until the day they moved away. _

_Gwen walked over to her daughter and grabbed her arm, pulling her towards the stairwell. "I'm yer mother and yer gonna listen to what I say."_

_Beca pushed her mother off of her, "No! I'm staying."_

"_And where are you gonna stay, huh? Do you have a job and a big fancy house I don't knowbout?"_

_Beca looked at Julia who was watching the scene, obvious fear in her eyes. Beca knew despite how possessive Julia was towards her, when it came to her mother's legal rights, she didn't stand a chance. If her mother wanted to take her and make her move away there was nothing Julia could do to stop her. She could called child protective services but all it would take is for her mother to throw out the word pedophile regarding Julia and she would be investigated as well. Beca despised Julia and how she forced her into her sex at such a young age but when she wasn't forcing her to be intimate she was a way better parent then her mother had ever been._

"_No, I don't. I'm gonna stay with Julia."_

_Gwen looked from her daughter to the basketball coach a few feet behind them. "And what makes you think she'd want a brat like you, huh?"_

_Julia walked over and took Beca's hand, pulling the younger girl close, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't presume to know what I may or may not want. Now I'd suggest you leave before social services get involved and you lose _**all**_ rights to your daughter."_

_Gwen glared at the two before turning and storming off. Julia kneeled in front of Beca, wiping at the tears that had fallen from the young girls eyes. Beca frowned as she looked in the direction of where her mother had just walked off to. "She left me." She whispered sadly. Why didn't her mother try and fight for her. Why did she give up so easily at the smallest opposition? Even in her drug and alcohol induced haze she sensed something was wrong with Julia and instead of stepping up and protecting her daughter, she walked away._

"_Rebeca, I know it hurts but it's not healthy for you to be with her right now."_

"_Will you stay? Do you promise never to leave me?" Beca normally wouldn't dare make her promise such a thing because she normally wanted nothing more than for Julia to go away…far, far away, but her emotions were raw right now and she just wanted to know at least someone cared about her._

_Julia's hands rested on her shoulders as she pulled the young girl towards her and kissed her forehead. "I'm not going anywhere, honey. It's you and me against the world, remember that, ok? I'll never leave you. I promise."_

"Ya know, I never felt abused. She wasn't the creepy old man they warned you about. She was beautiful and kind…funny and— irresistible …and charming…and that made her so dangerous." She scrubbed at her eyes, forcing the tears to go away. "I chose her over my own mother for Christ's sake."

"But, Beca you have no idea just how strong you are for surviving all of that. Your strength to leave her, no matter when you did it, is a testament to your strength. You didn't let Coach Matthews take away your self-worth and dignity."

"But she did." Beca whispered, her head dropping as tears began to fall again.

Aubrey sighed sadly and pulled Beca back into her arms. The brunette rested her head on Aubrey's shoulder and tried to calm down. She felt like a whirlwind of emotions were erupting inside of her.

"But you left, right? You got out and that speaks volumes. You've managed to put it behind you and live a life apart from her."

"I didn't put it behind me so much as I buried it…When everyone else is telling of their carefree happy childhood memories, I have nothing to say. It's isolating ya know? It's lonely. It makes me angry. I have very little in common with just about everybody. Half the time I envy people and the other half of the time I despise them."

"Do you despise me?" Aubrey asked. It was a question born out of genune curiosity. She had spent so much time regaling and opining about her childhood and she had never stopped to think that maybe Beca didn't want to hear about it.

"Sometimes. I mean, your childhood sucked, it really did, but at least you didn't have to have sex with your father to prove you loved him."

After some time in silence Beca spoke again. "I loved her like a mother…she was there when my own mother wasn't but I still left the moment I got the chance. She wanted me to go to NYU and I almost did but I knew I had to leave. My dad decided to step in and reclaim a title he lost a long time ago and I used it to get out of New York…When I told her I accepted Barden's offer she actually looked heartbroken…the bitch had the audacity to look betrayed. Like _I_ betrayed _her_. She treated me like I was a lover instead of what I actually was—a kid that trusted her. I learned the hard way that 'I love you' doesn't always mean 'you can trust me.'"

Aubrey reached next to her and pulled the drain from the tub, the cold water becoming uncomfortable. "How about we go lay down? We can stay here since it's so late and I don't want to explain to coach why we're sneaking back to our rooms."

Beca nodded and allowed Aubrey to lead her back to her bedroom. They changed into some of Beca's old clothes before crawling into bed. The brunette looked at Aubrey trying to fight the fatigue brought on from her crying. She felt it would be rude to fall asleep while she had a guest.

Aubrey pulled the covers over the two and as if reading her mind, she whispered to Beca that it's ok if she fell asleep. Beca nodded and turned on her side away from Aubrey. The two laid in the twin bed, Beca wanting to feel the comfort she felt in the tub with Aubrey.

With a sigh, she gathered her courage and turned over, curling into the blonde. When Aubrey wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close Beca sighed, glad that Aubrey hadn't pushed her away like she feared.

"Bree?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you'll still be here in the morning."

Aubrey pulled her close, "I promise, Beca. I'll always be here."

_Please don't stand so close to me  
I'm having trouble breathing  
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now  
I give you everything I am  
All my broken heart beats  
Until I know you'll understand_

_And I will make sure to keep my distance  
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening  
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?_

Beca and Aubrey awoke a little after dawn and took a cab back to the hotel for practice, Beca unable to face her mother about her breakdown yesterday. When they arrived at the hotel they only had time to shower and change before heading to the gym.

Beca pulled her hair into a loose bun above her head as they walked down the hall. "Hey, Bree?" she said, stopping the blonde just as they crossed the threshold.

"Is something wrong, Beca?"

Beca shook her head, smiling softly at Aubrey's concern. She didn't think she'd ever had someone care for her as much as the blonde did.

"Nothing's wrong. I just—I just wanted to thank you for listening to me yesterday. It felt _really_ good to share with someone and not have to carry it all around."

Aubrey quickly pulled her into a hug, much to the surprise of the brunette and murmured into the crook of her neck "I'll always listen. Like I said last night, no matter what, I'll always be here."

"Even when I steal all of your spandex shorts and conveniently forget to return them?"

Aubrey rolled her eyes. "Yeah, even when you permanently borrow my clothes."

Beca smiled, "Well good, cuz I was just getting used to having you around even if you do snore."

"I do not snore."

Beca smirked as she began to make a loud snoring sound imitating Aubrey. Aubrey shoved Beca playfully, laughing when the brunette guffawed and continued to make the loud snoring sound. "Don't worry, Bree, it's adorable." Aubrey hit Beca with her hand towel and Beca laughed loudly as she ran into the gym trying to get away from the wrath of Aubrey's towel.

The rest of the team were stretching in the gym when Beca ran into the gym and Aubrey following not long after, whipping a towel at the small brunette.

When the two realized they were being watched by the team they both stopped.

"Uh, hi guys." Beca said, waving awkwardly.

Stacie smirked, "So where were you guys last night?"

Beca glanced at Aubrey before looking back at the girls. "Uh, we, uh—"

"Beca took me sightseeing. It's better to see the city through a native's eyes, anyway." Aubrey said, knowing Beca wanted the attention to be away from them.

It was obvious the girls had more questions but Coach Abernathy walked into the gym and began practice immediately. They ran offensive plays but spent majority of their time working on defense. By the halfway mark Beca was beginning to feel a little bit better about everything that had happened and began to have fun in the game she was beginning to love again.

She and Aubrey were on the same team, running offensive plays so that Abernathy could test the other half of the team on their defense. Beca passed the ball to Aubrey and the blonde shot the ball immediately before Lily could get to her and block. Seeing her shoot without hesitation, Beca smirked and winked at Aubrey causing the blonde to blush. Aubrey looked at Beca and the smile on her face and she couldn't help wonder if what she felt could be considered love.

After practice wrapped up around four o'clock, Beca stood by the bleachers gathering her things. Chloe walked up to her and sat down on the steel steps. "Becs, do you wanna grab lunch? It's been a while since we've hung out and I miss my buddy."

Beca chuckled before looking over at Aubrey who stood next to her.

"Uh, I would Chlo but, Bree and I were just about to grab something. Maybe later?"

Chloe looked over at Aubrey with a suggestive smirk before saying, "No problem. I'll see you guys later…or not." She stood up and walked over to where Stacie stood to ask her if she wanted to accompany her.

Aubrey rolled her eyes at her friend before turning to look at beca. "So we have plans?"

Beca shrugged, "Yeah. I forced you to listen to the soap opera that is my life. The least I can do is buy you dinner."

"You didn't force me to do anything. I—I hope I'm not overstepping a boundary, but, I—I really care about you Beca and I'm just glad I was there to offer some comfort last night."

Beca rolled her eyes playfully, "Don't get all mushy on me." She said before reaching down to take Aubrey's hand in her own as they exited the gym. Despite how easily she played it off and tried to make a joke out of what Aubrey said, Beca knew deep down that Aubrey was a lifeline for her yesterday. Without her, she was sure she would have certainly drowned in the never-ending nightmare of Julia Matthews.

_The sun is filling up the room  
And I can hear you dreaming  
Do you feel the way I do right now?  
I wish we would just give up  
Cause the best part is falling  
Call it anything but love_

_And I will make sure to keep my distance  
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening  
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?_

"Oh my god, you can't be serious!" Beca guffawed, her head thrown back as she laughed at Aubrey's story.

Aubrey wiped at her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks from laughing so hard. "I'm completely serious. My dad came around the back of the house and saw Wes's boyfriend hanging from the third floor window, his naked ass on display for the world."

"What I wouldn't give to have seen that." Beca said, taking a sip of her lemonade in front of her. "You're brother seems like he was a real pain in the ass for your dad."

Aubrey nodded, using her napkin to wipe at her mouth while she chewed the food in her mouth. "Oh he was but he was the youngest boy and he seemed to get a free pass. He was the artsy type. He liked skateboarding and playing piano instead of science and math like my older brothers. My dad hated it of course but when he heard him play he kinda backed off. Wes getting into Julliard really solidified the deal."

Beca reached over to Aubrey's plate and took a few of her french fries, avoiding Aubrey's attempts to slap away her hand. She quickly shoved them into her mouth before Aubrey could try and take them back and Aubrey groaned in disgust. "You're such a pig."

"Yeah, but you love this adorable pig don't you. Oink, Oink." She said.

Aubrey smiled but couldn't help but think sadly that Beca had no idea how true her statement was. She was beginning to fall hard for the brunette—if she hadn't already and it was disheartening to know Beca was in no way ready for such a relationship.

"So, I know you like to play basketball and you obviously enjoy studying, but what else do you like to do?"

Aubrey shrugged, "I like to sing I guess. Wes and I were only 11 months part and while everyone was out doing their things it was just the two of us. He spent a lot of time on the piano and I watched him play and eventually I started singing along. It became this thing that we both enjoyed."

Beca nodded, "I'll keep that in mind." She mentally stored away that tidbit, wanting nothing more than to hear Aubrey's voice.

"What's the first song you ever sung?"

"With Wes? Uh, Eternal Flame by the Bangles."

"Why am I not surprised?" Beca joked her eyes locked with Aubrey's. They sat in the booth not moving, their hands having found themselves woven into the other feeling the hypnotic intimacy humming between them. For the first time Beca didn't feel nervous in the intimate atmosphere. She felt…calm. The two were really close and Beca's eyes unconsciously traveled to Aubrey's lips. "I bet you sound wonderful." She said, her voice a light whisper as they two unconsciously began getting closer. Beca felt herself lean forward, slowly, as she spoke, "You'll have to sing for me some time."

Aubrey nodded, before closing the distance between them, gently pressing her lips against the brunette's mouth.

Beca felt the softness of Aubrey's lips and the flutter in her stomach the moment they made contact. Such a new but refreshing feeling it was to kiss the girl she no longer denied she was attracted to. Knowing Aubrey was allowing her to lead, allowing Beca to control the pace and no do anything she didn't want was divine because one of the things Beca prioritized and took seriously, was consent.

Julia had never waited for Beca to consent to what they were doing. And even when Beca nodded her head or uttered the word 'yes' she was usually intoxicated and thus made anything she said void. Plus, she was only a kid. Can a child really consent to anything like that anyway?

But here was Aubrey, treading lightly, waiting for her to deepen the kiss and Beca knew Aubrey meant more to her than anything in the world. She was a precious jewel that she couldn't tarnish with her dirty and soiled soul and that made her pull away.

"I—I can't Aubrey. I—don't want to hurt you."

Aubrey shook her head, "You won't."

"I _will_ Aubrey. I'm fucked up and I'm not going to drag you down with me."

Aubrey opened her mouth to protest but she was interrupted by Fat Amy's voice. She refused to turn around and acknowledge the Australian, instead wanting desperately to resume the conversation she was having with the brunette.

Beca, however, welcomed the distraction and turned to look over. She sighed when she saw the Australian with their teammates standing by their table with amused grins on their face.

"Oh what a big coincidence it is finding you guys in this specific restaurant in New York City during the holidays." Fat Amy said, reaching down to grab a few fries from Aubrey's plate.

Beca rolled her eyes. "Yeah, a big coincidence," She grumbled as she moved to put some space between her and Aubrey. She could feel the blonde's gaze on her but she couldn't look at her. As much as she wanted to kiss Aubrey, she knew that this was for the best. She was _too_ damaged and broken to possibly have a healthy relationship with her. It wouldn't be fair to trap her in a relationship waiting on the _possibility_ that Beca _might_ get better, when Beca knew that possibility was slim.

The other girls slide into the circular booth and soon enough the encounter between her and Aubrey was momentarily sidelined while the girls joked and laughed.

"Stacie you didn't tell us there was open mic here." Chloe said pointing to the mini stage where a guy sat on the stool tuning an acoustic guitar. Everyone looked to where they were pointing and Stacie simply shrugged, "Well now you know."

The guy on stage finished tuning his guitar before putting it on the stand next to the amp. He walked up to the mic and introduced himself.

"Hey everyone. I'm Damion and I have a few songs I'm gonna sing for you. However, this first one I'm gonna need a little help. So are there any In this Moment fans?"

Jessica's head immediately whipped to Beca and she grinned, "Hey you like that band. Do you know that song?"

Beca nodded hesitantly, not sure where Jessica was going with this line of questioning. Fat Amy stood up, "Well then get your skinny ass up there."

Beca tried to protest but all of the girls had already exited the booth leaving her to the mercy of Fat Amy who pulled her out and all but shoved her onto the stage.

Beca glared at the group, everyone grinning except Aubrey who looked apologetic and still slightly upset from Beca's rejection. With a sigh and knowing she wasn't going to get out of this, she took the mic Damion handed to her and looked at it fearfully. She hadn't sung in front of another person in ten years, since that day she sat at the piano and tried to ignore Julia's hand as it 'slipped' down into her pants.

Damion looked at her and asked, "So, what's your name?"

"Beca."

"Cool. So do you know The Promise?"

She nodded and he smiled widely at her before taking his seat on one stool while she sat on the other that had just been brought to the stage. She watched Damion, who looked a lot like Lajon Witherspoon from Sevendust except with a bigger septum ring, introduce her.

"Alright guys, this is Beca and this tune we're gonna play is called The Promise. We hope you like it."

Damion began to play the open riff while the supporting rhythm guitarist that seemed to come out of nowhere began playing the opening chords.

Damion looked at her and nodded encouragingly. She sighed and brought the mic to her mouth.

"_It's haunting, this hold that you have over me. I grow so weak"_

Damion smiled at her, clearly impressed with her singing, and scooted on his stool so that he was closer to the mic before singing the next line. _"I see you and everything around you fades and I can't speak. But you can never know what it is you do to me."_

Beca inhaled deeply before allowing herself to get lost in the song. It seemed almost as if fate wanted her here to sing this song because it was all of the things she wanted to say to Aubrey but couldn't find the courage to speak. She opened her eyes and found Aubrey in the room and locked eyes with her as she sang, _"I can't take what you're doing to me. I can't take it. I can't take what you're doing to me. I can't take it."_

Damion played the same riff from the opening before the two sang the chorus simultaneously, _"No matter what I say or what I do, I know how this will end. So I'm turning away now before we begin. And no matter what you say or what you do, I know how this will end. So I'm turning away now. I'm dangerous for you."_

Aubrey never let her eyes leave Beca's as the brunette poured out her heart to her. Here was the woman she loved (she was no longer afraid to admit that) who was sacrificing her own happiness because she feared that she'd hurt her. Whether or not the girls around her realized that Beca was singing to her, Aubrey didn't care because to her, the only two people in the room were just her and Beca.

As Damion led them into the final verse beca made sure Aubrey heard her loud and clear because she didn't think she'd be able to say this again. As much as she wanted Aubrey, she couldn't have her. People like her didn't deserve people like Aubrey.

Beca could see Aubrey's eyes shining from where she sat and although she knew she was hurting Aubrey with what she was doing, which was essentially rejecting her, she knew she was saving her from the future heartbreak Beca was certain she would eventually cause.

"No_ matter what I say or what I do I know how this will end. So I'm turning away now before we begin. And no matter what you say or what you do. I know how this will end. So I'm turning away now. I'm dangerous for you."_ She clutched the microphone as she and Damion repeated that last line. Aubrey was a gift she didn't deserve and she needed Aubrey to understand. She needed the blonde to understand so that they could go back to being friends. Friendship was safe. Friendship was painless.

_"I'm dangerous, I'm dangerous for you… My promise is I will hurt you."_

A loud applause sounded throughout the restaurant as the music ended and Aubrey was forced to tear her eyes away from the stage when her phone vibrated in her pocket. She quickly read the new text before sighing and looking at the rest of the team.

"Girls, we need to get back to the hotel. Coach has some news about our game."

Everyone groaned but stood up nonetheless. Chloe offered to go and get Beca while Aubrey went to the front to pay their bill.

They all crowded into a taxi van and made their way back to the hotel where Coach Abernathy was waiting for them in the lobby. She brought them to one of the ball rooms and sat them down.

"Alright ladies, it seems Overton College's luggage was lost on the flight here. So, while they wait for new uniforms, we'll be taking their seat since we didn't have a game until Wednesday."

"So when is our game?" Jessica asked.

"Tomorrow afternoon."

Beca sighed, "Who are we playing?"

"NYU. Now I know it's still early but I want you all meet me in the lobby at 8 am sharp so don't stay out too late. I want to get to the gym early for a pregame warm up."

Everyone dispersed and Beca and Aubrey walked to their room in silence which Beca was grateful for. She didn't think she'd be able to hold her resolve if Aubrey asked her again. She had _never_ felt like this before and yet here she was feeling these overwhelming emotions all at once. So, as much as she wanted nothing more than to pretend she was perfectly ok and able to date Aubrey, she knew she couldn't.

They went inside their hotel room and got ready for bed in relative silence.

"Beca, are you ok?" Aubrey asked, not liking the fact that it had been hours since they've spoken—since they last kissed. At the time it seemed like the natural thing to do but now, watching Beca go out of her way to avoid looking at her, she regretted it completely. The last thing she wanted was for Beca to be uncomfortable around her.

"Uh, yeah. I'm just tired." She said as she pulled back her blanket and climbed into her bed.

Aubrey nodded sadly before doing the same, wanting nothing more than to bury her face in her pillow and cry over the fact that she may have pushed Beca away forever.

Beca whispered goodnight as she turned off the light on the end table near her bed and Aubrey said "Goodnight, Beca," before turning off the light near her bed.

Beca laid in bed, thinking about how crestfallen Aubrey looked when she finally looked at her right before turning off her light. Why didn't Aubrey understand that it was easier this way for them both? She had watched her in that horrible excuse for a relationship she had with Charlie, and Beca, in good conscience, couldn't subject her to another relationship with someone as equally damaged (albeit in a very different way than Charlie).

However, as time ticked on, Beca couldn't sleep. It was as if she'd grown use to the comfort that Aubrey provided when they shared a bed. She knew it would be terribly crass if she asked Aubrey to hold her after having just rejected her less than two hours before but it didn't stop her from wanting to ask. She could hear Aubrey tossing and turning as well and she was put at ease a bit, knowing that she wasn't the only one affected by their separation. Maybe asking Aubrey to hold her while she slept wouldn't be entirely selfish if it also helped the blonde sleep as well.

With that reasoning, Beca quietly slipped out of bed and walked the two feet over to Aubrey's. She pulled back the cover and climbed inside, immediately seeking out Aubrey's warmth. Beca felt her flinch, surprised by the sudden presence in her bed, before Beca felt two arms wrap around her and pull her close, a light kiss being placed on her forehead.

With a contented sigh, she wrapped her arm around Aubrey's waist and nestled into her hold. "Bree, I do care about you. I just—I'm too broken…please don't argue with me on that. I just needed you to know I wasn't rejecting you because of anything you did."

Aubrey was silent for a while before saying, "I—I don't agree but I will respect your decision, Beca…" She pulled Beca closer and kissed her on the forehead once again. "I don't agree _at all_ but I will respect your decision."

_And I keep waiting  
For you to take me  
You keep waiting  
To save what we have_

_So I'll make sure to keep my distance  
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening  
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?_

Beca sat down next to Aubrey handing her a bagel that Gail was kind enough to buy for the team since they didn't have time for breakfast. Aubrey thanked her and immediately took a bite of it, having not eaten since early in the evening the night before.

"So do you have plans for Christmas?" Beca asked.

Aubrey covered her mouth to hide the mush in her mouth as she nodded. "I'm going home."

Beca tried her best to hide the disappointment on her face by taking a bite of her own bagel. "Well it can't be that bad. Christmas is usually jollier than thanksgiving, right?"

Aubrey scoffed, "I think it's much worse actually. My brothers get drunk and that's when the truth starts to come out. I really hate it actually. When I was little I used to sneak into my grandma's room and we'd listen to this old radio station that played only Christmas songs twenty-four hours a day."

"So what's your favorite song?"

Aubrey thought about it or a moment before answering, "_Christmas is a feeling in your heart _by Andy Williams."

Beca gasped dramatically, "What, no Mariah Carey chart topper?" she turned slightly in her seat and began to sing in a dramatically high voice, "_I just want you for my own. More than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you!" _

Aubrey rolled her eyes, playfully telling Beca to shut up before resting her head on the brunette's shoulder. The awkwardness they both feared would plague their relationship after last night was practically nonexistent, to their relief. The last thing they wanted was for the friendship they've both come to cherish deeply to suffer. Aubrey took another bite of her bagel before looking back at the leather seat in front of them. "I have an Andy Williams cd, but it's not the same." She said after a moment of silence. "Just knowing that somewhere the DJ is playing a song as if he can read my mind…It's a feeling that can't be replicated with a cd."

Beca nodded, "I understand." And she did. Of course, with modern technology such as IPods and IPhones, the need for radio was almost nonexistent but nothing could replace the giddiness she felt when her favorite song came on 109.3.

Aubrey tilted her head to look at Beca. "What are you doing for the holiday?"

Beca shrugged lightly, careful of the head currently resting on her shoulder. "I'm probably gonna spend it the same way I did thanksgiving except with considerably less flour in my hair." She joked earning a soft laugh from Aubrey. "My father invited me to his place but I'm not up to playing nice around the step-monster and her offspring. I really don't belong, ya know?"

Aubrey couldn't help but think of her family and how, sadly, she did know what Beca meant. "Yeah, I do."

Beca looked down at Aubrey with compassionate eyes before wrapping her arm around her and pulling her close. "But hey, you can keep me company over FaceTime while we make fun of your drunken relatives."

Aubrey felt her heart flutter at being held so intimately by the brunette. It was moments like this that made everything so much harder. Knowing Beca wouldn't acknowledge what was so obvious between them was becoming almost unbearable. She turned to look out the window wondering if Beca would run if she could sense what Aubrey truly felt. When they kissed they acknowledged that they _both _liked each other beyond friendship which saddened Aubrey even more. Beca pushed her away after learning the blonde liked her in fear that she would hurt Aubrey. However as she sat with Beca's arms around her, listening to the brunette lightly hum Mariah Carey's famous Christmas song, she couldn't help but fearfully wonder if Beca would distance herself completely if she knew Aubrey's feelings went beyond liking her—would she run if she knew Aubrey _loved_ her?

_Make sure to keep my distance  
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening  
How long 'til we call this love, love, love?_


	23. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 The First Cut is the Deepest

_Dear Aubrey,_

_Now that you've seen the real me, please don't leave me. I've never opened up to anyone the way I've opened up to you and it terrifies me to know just how easily I can be vulnerable around you. Vulnerability is terrifying and leaves room for you to hurt me. I know you won't—well I hope you won't—but it doesn't make it any less scary. I care about you so much…more than I've ever cared about anyone else and I just hope that now that you've seen the real me—scars and all—that you'll still want to be around me and will still see me the way you saw me before you learned how much of a victim I was. _

Beca caught her rebound and passed the ball off to Cynthia Rose in the opposite layup line.

"Are you as tired as I am?" she asked as she jogged to the back of the line where Aubrey stood.

The blonde turned, her hands pulling her hair into a pony tail. "No, actually I'm not as tired as I thought I'd be. Maybe it was all the coffee I had this morning."

"Yeah, well two large iced coffees will do that to you."

Aubrey chuckled as she stepped up to receive the ball. Beca watched her shoot and placed out her hands to receive the ball from Stacie. Unfortunately, the tall Center overestimated how high Beca could jump and the ball shot right through her hands and over to the other side of the court where NYU was warming up.

"Way to go Stace. Everyone isn't freaking goliath like you.

"Very funny. But don't worry, Becs, someday you'll grow up to be big and strong too." Stacie teased.

Beca stuck her tongue out at the tall brunette before jogging to the other half of the court. She spotted the orange Wilson on the opposite baseline and quickly ran over to scoop it up. However, before she could get it in her hands, someone else picked the ball up and handed it to her. Beca looked up, shocked immediately when she came face to face with the one girl she thought she'd never see again. The tall blonde smirked at her, "Hey there little mouse."

_Beca stood in her secluded corner of the locker room stuffing her sneakers into her book bag, her Under Armour gym bag having gone missing the day before. Although she had no proof, she knew Camille had taken it and probably chucked it in the trash. Each day the senior would look at her with a smirk daring her to run to Julia and tattle but Beca wouldn't give her the satisfaction. _

_Pulling out her Adidas slippers, she dropped them onto the wooden floor and stepped into them, her feet welcoming the comfort they brought. She listened with hidden envy at the girls as they made plans for Halloween and some party one of their classmates were hosting. Since Julia had begun making Beca attend her team practices during the high school winter season to prepare her for the spring elementary season she didn't have the time to form friendships with people her own age. It wasn't like she could anyway with Julia monopolizing any time that was spent outside of the gym, but it would be nice to have someone to make plans with; someone for her to look forward to hanging out with. With a sigh she continued to pack her bag, wanting to just get home. She had managed to snag a copy of Double Teamed in one of those 'five dollar movie' bins at Walmart. To this day she still considered it to be one of her favorite DCOMs (Disney Channel Original Movies). _

_She wasn't going to let the older girls get to her. They might make fun of her and bully her but none of them could deny her talent and that was what kept Beca going. Knowing that she was a better player than they could ever hope to be was her own personal victory. She didn't need their high school parties or their stupid homecoming dances. She had herself and for this introverted sixth grader, that was enough. Plus, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was being released in a few weeks and that was enough to keep her happy for months to come._

"_Hey, Beca?"_

_The twelve year old turned around and was surprised to see one of the older players, Kelly, calling to her as she walked over to where Beca stood. Kelly was a sophomore and a shooting guard on the team. She wasn't one of the girls that bullied her, like Camille-Kelly's girlfriend-but she didn't stick up for her either. _

"_Oh c'mon Kelly. Leave the kindergartner alone."_

_Kelly rolled her eyes, "Would you just shut up, Camille?" _

"_I just want to know why you're wasting your time with the orphan. I don't have all night to wait for you."_

"_Well then go home. I'm not keeping you." She turned back around to look at Beca and smiled at the short brunette. "So uh, what're you doing after practice?"_

_Beca shrugged, trying to keep the nervousness out of her body language. Ever since being subjected to the hazing of the other girls, Beca was always on guard around all of the girls, even someone seemingly as nice as Kelly. "Uh, I guess I'm just gonna wait for coach."_

_Kelly chuckled as she scratched at the back of her neck nervously. "Yeah, I noticed that you guys leave together every day. Are you guys related or something?"_

"_No." Beca said flatly. She hated when people inquired about her 'relationship' with Julia. Kelly must have sensed her discomfort because she began to speak again._

"_Well um, I guess you probably heard that the guys are heading out to Ali's party but me and a few of the other girls are just gonna head back to my place and do a horror movie marathon." She shoved her hands in her pockets as she stepped closer to Beca. "Do you like horror movies, like Halloween and A Nightmare on Elm Street? Meadow over there thinks we should include Texas Chainsaw Massacre but between you and me…" she peeked behind her to make sure no one was listening before leaning in and whispering, "I think that movie sucks."_

_Beca chuckled and said, "me too. It was totally ruined by its sequels."_

_Kelly smiled at her as she nodded in agreement, "So you see, you have to come now. Talking to those dunderheads about the classics is like talking to a toddler." She reached out and touched Beca's shoulder, "We're just gonna grab some pizzas and a couple of sodas and just pig out. So you in?"_

_Beca looked nervously at the girls behind Kelly who were glaring at her before Kelly side stepped to block her view. "Hey, don't worry about them. I know a lot of the girls kinda resent you for being here cuz you're so young but this could be a good way for you to get to know everyone. __They're not so bad once they get their head out of their asses. You would think some of them thought it was a hat."_

_This elicited a giggle from the twelve year old and Kelly laughed along with her. Beca wanted badly to say yes because it did sound fun but she wasn't sure how Julia would react. Maybe if she asked Julia might agree, especially if it meant she was trying to make an effort to bond with the team. _

"_Ok. I'll just let coach know."_

_Kelly nodded, "Alright. I'll wait out front. Camille was my ride but as you can see that's no longer an option. So I hope you don't mind if we have to wait for an Uber."_

_Beca chuckled, "I don't mind."_

_The two exited the locker room and Kelly told her she'd be in the front of the school calling in the order for Dominoes. Beca walked in the opposite direction towards the coach's office._

_She knocked gently on the door frame to alert Julia to her presence and the older woman looked up from the paper work on her desk to greet Beca with a smile. _

"_I only need to sign these forms and get them into Mr. Coleman's mailbox and we can head home." She pointed over to her file cabinet as she returned her focus back to the papers in front of her. "I have some takeout menus in there. Pick out what you want for dinner."_

_Beca walked further into the room and stood in front of Julia's desk not sure if it was such a good idea to ask about spending the night with Kelly. What if it made her mad? She was in such a good mood and she would hate to piss her off and then have to go home and deal with Julia when she was angry. _

"_Uh, Julia?"_

"_Yes, honey?" _

"_Uh, I was invited to a sleepover." Was it a sleepover? Did people still have sleepovers in high school? "I guess it's not a sleepover but it's over night and it's only going to be the girls from the team."_

_Julia looked up from her forms, shock apparent on her face. "Do you want to go?"_

_Beca didn't look up from where she was fumbling with her hands as she nodded._

_Julia looked at the twelve year old in front of her and smiled. "Ok. Who will be there?"_

_Beca's head shot up in shock. Julia had actually said yes? Hearing her agree, with a smile on her face, nonetheless, Beca was unable to keep her own smile from her face._

"_I don't know actually. Kelly invited me and said there would be a few girls from the team." She explained, confused by Julia looking away with a disapproving eye roll when she mentioned Kelly's name. As far as Beca knew, Kelly didn't cause any trouble and seemed to get along fine with the older woman. Beca didn't dwell on it for long, however, because as quickly as the look of displeasure came, it was just as quickly replaced with a soft smile. _

"_Ok. It's fine if you spend the night as long as there's adult supervision. I'm sure Miss Da Silva's mother will be there."_

_Beca sighed in relief as she nodded her head. She was so afraid the older woman would forbid her from going because Julia __had a terrible habit of monopolizing her time away from anyone that could draw even a modicum of Beca's attention away from her. _

_Julia turned her chair so that it faced away from her desk before calling Beca over. The twelve year old walked over to Julia and stood in front of her. Julia caressed her cheek gently before she dragged her perfectly manicured nails lazily across her chin and down to her neck before she turned the charm of Beca's necklace that had gotten twisted during practice. "I'm glad that you're warming up to the team. Most of them will be your teammates in a few years." _

_Beca stood silent, not sure what to say but at the same time afraid of saying the wrong thing and having Julia change her mind. Julia stood up and cupped Beca's chin before leaning down and kissing her softly. After a few moments, Julia pulled back and used her thumb to wipe away the trace of lipstick that she had left behind on the twelve year's old lips. "Make sure you behave little bird. Don't let them talk you into doing anything I wouldn't approve of. Call me if you need anything."_

_Beca nodded, the feeling of guilt and shame she'd grown accustom to feeling when Julia touched her momentarily forgotten as she pulled her book bag further onto her shoulder and rushed out the room._

_When she got outside, afraid that Kelly had changed her mind and realized that maybe she didn't want to hang out with a middle schooler after all, she spotted the blonde Mohawk on the bottom step._

"_K—Kelly?" _

_The sophomore stood up with a bright smile. "I thought you forgot about me."_

_Beca shook her head wearing a bright smile of her own and descended the steps to stand next to the sophomore._

_Kelly gestured to the phone in her hand. "The car is on its way but I already called in the pizza. I got peperoni on one pie but I know you're like a vegetarian or something so I hope you like pineapple."_

Beca realized how foolish she must have looked, opening and closing her mouth like a fish. She didn't mean to look stupid but she honestly didn't have a clue as to what to say. What could you say to the one person who ever cared about you that you treated like crap? It wasn't of her own volition that she ended her friendship with Kelly but it didn't make her feel any less guilty about it. She did have the choice, after all, to not listen to Julia when she compelled her to cut ties with Kelly.

"I'm glad you're still playing." Kelly said, breaking the silence.

Beca nodded and accepted the ball being handed to her. "Yeah." There was just so much to say and there was a literal clock above them signifying just how little time they had to actually say it.

"Look little mouse, I know there's a lot we've gotta talk about but you're team's waiting on you and my team's waiting for me. We can talk later." Kelly said reaching out to rest a comforting hand on Beca's shoulder.

Beca exhaled softly, the tension immediately broken and she allowed herself to smile. "Ok…yeah, after. I'll see you later," she said and turned to go back to Barden's half of the court.

"Hey, Beca?"

"Yeah?" she said turning back around.

"Good luck out there."

Beca's eyebrows raised in amusement. "I should be the one wishing you luck since we're gonna kick your ass."

Kelly's head fell back as she guffawed. "Ha! We'll see about that, baixinho."

The two laughed and Kelly was the first to compose herself wiping at a few beads of sweat that had accumulated from her warm up. "But hey, your shot's a little off. Tuck your arm in a bit more and you should be fine."

Beca nodded and said, "yeah, and your corner shot, you're undershooting. A bit more push and it's perfect.

Kelly smiled as she began walking backwards in the direction of her team. "Alright, thanks. See you out there, mouse."

"You too," and she turned around fully, dribbling back to her team. Any fear she had that her friendship with Kelly had been another thing damaged beyond repair by Julia was erased in the last few seconds, and just the idea that she could get her friend back made the prospect of getting _herself_ back seem all the more obtainable.

"Alright, Beca I want you to take Aubrey's spot up top and tell her to drop back. I wanna give her a rest and a chance to score some points."

"Gotcha coach. Am I taking her man on defense?"

Abernathy looked out onto the court for Aubrey and appraised the girl she was guarding. "Uh, no. Tell her to stick with her man. Take Chloe's man. Ask her who it is when you take her out."

Beca nodded and jogged over to the score table to wait for the referee to signal her to come in. Two possessions later, the ref blew his whistle and waved over to where Beca was kneeling, motioning for her to come in.

"Chloe!" she called as she jogged out onto the court. The redhead looked over from where she stood by the ref to inbound the ball and nodded before making her way over to Beca. She slapped the redhead's hand as they passed and Chloe motioned behind, "I had number twelve on defense. Watch out, she likes to try and sneak behind you and cut to the basket."

Beca nodded and made her way over to Aubrey. "Bree, I got point." The blonde nodded and stepped out of bounds to inbound the ball to the brunette.

Beca dribbled down court, raising her fist in the air, visually calling for the play 'Fist'. She waited for everyone to get in position before kicking the ball out to Aubrey on her right. Aubrey caught the ball, her elbows coming out to keep some distance between her and her guard. Crossing over, she dribbled down to the corner and watched Beca take her spot on the wing through her peripheral. Aubrey envied Beca's speed at times, especially now as she saw Beca quickly outrun her guard to get to the wing and catch the pass Aubrey handed to her.

Fat Amy came out and screened the guard on Aubrey while Stacie did the same for Beca. NYU didn't realize just how quickly their 2-3 zone fell apart until it was too late, and by then Aubrey was already cutting to the basket and Beca was running her man right into Stacie's screen, going around the collision to bounce pass across the paint to Aubrey. The senior caught the ball and quickly put it up against the backboard for two points.

Despite how much they wished for the contrary, after running Fist several times and coming back from a 5 point deficit, gaining a 3 point lead, NYU dropped out of their 2-3 zone and went into a 1-3-1 defense instead which Fist didn't handle too well against. However, Beca hadn't play lead guard in three national championship games and winning two without knowing what she was doing on the court. Fat Amy inbounded the ball from the side and Beca called out "Corners." It was a play the team spent less than a day on because it wasn't very technical but it was perfect for this type of zone defense. Aubrey and Beca were up top, staggering the '1' on defense while Lily and Stacie were positioned below the free throw line, halfway between the wing and the corner. This gave Fat Amy a better chance of getting open on the low block while also leaving room for her to move up to the elbows and high point if she needed.

What made this play so simple but effective was the fact that the perimeter players, which was everyone but Fat Amy, had to only make quick passes, reversing the ball from side to side. This, coupled with skip passes, eventually caused the other team's zone to become over-shifted and out of position. When this happened and Barden saw their zone break down with NYU's players struggling to stay in position but also follow the ball, the girls took the open shots when they came.

During the timeout, Abernathy praised Beca on her quick thinking and remembering the rarely used play. "Alright girls, they're taking out their guards and it looks like number twenty-three is coming back in. Beca I want you to take her and Aubrey pick up Beca's man. Come on ladies, we have this game. Let's just finish strong. Now hands in."

The girls placed their hands in the center and shouted 'Barden' before the starters made their way out onto the court and took their positions on defense. Beca stood at the top of the key, waiting for the ball to be inbounded to Kelly. The moment the ball was in her hands Beca got in position waiting for her to cross the half court line before running up to play defense.

"Ah, so we meet again."

Beca shrugged as she slid her feet to follow Kelly as she dribbled left. "We've never played against each other. Maybe it's fate's way of saying I need to prove to you that I can kick your ass."

Kelly held the ball over her head with her right hand, looking over Beca's head for the open pass. "We'll see about that, but just cuz your hair's like mine doesn't mean you'll play like me." She said, passing off the ball.

"Exactly. I'm gonna play better." Beca retorted, pushing her forearm into Kelly's chest to block her from receiving the ball back. The post player managed to reverse pivot and get around Stacie for the layup and Beca sighed.

Kelly chuckled and kept with her as Beca ran up to be inbounded the ball. With a quick glance up at the clock she saw there was only twenty seconds left and enough time to win the game—if only be two points—if she made the three.

She pushed the ball down the court as hard and as quickly as she could, frustrated that Kelly kept up with her through every crossover and attempt to get past her. That was one of the downsides of having her friend back. They played on the same team for four years. She knew all of Beca's moves and the techniques she relied onto get out of a tough spot and most of all, her tricks to get past a defender in a one on one situation.

"Just face it Mitch, you can't get past me."

"We'll see about that."

She and Kelly had grown very close in high school and she was the only person that she had ever opened up to about her mom's drug problem. In that time Kelly had opened up to her too about her family emigrating from Brazil with just the clothes on their back because her father's bakery business went under putting them in great debt. They lived across the river in the Ironbound section of Newark, NJ until she was thirteen which was tough all around for her family. Her parents encouraged her to play soccer like her brothers but she preferred to make the—sometimes dangerous—walk to Weequahic Park to play with the people there, most of whom looked considerable different then the ninety pound blonde haired blue eyed preteen. Eventually, they warmed up to her when they saw her skill and determination to not let them scare her away and they taught her most of what she knew today. Beca would always watch with wide eyes at the creative moves Kelly would perform that she picked up on the concrete courts of Newark, taking in every word the blonde said when she'd stop to teach her them. The last move Kelly had ever taught her before Julia forced the dissolution of their friendship was the move she was about to execute.

Beca dribbled up to Kelly, passing the ball behind her back a couple of times to set up. There were ten seconds left, enough time to do this and make the shot. With a stiff leg crossover, she faked going to the basket before pulling back, crossing the ball back over to her right hand. She landed on her right leg and pulled the ball behind her slightly passing it between her legs and pushing it into her left hand.

Five seconds left.

With the ball in her hand and taking care not to carry, she spun, exposing the ball to Kelly. The older woman had told her when she first taught her the move that this was the most important part of the move because it relied on the defender thinking they had a chance to steal the ball.

The blonde didn't realize, however, that she was falling into the trap of her own move and rushed forward to grab the exposed ball, putting her slightly off balance. Beca took advantage of that using an in and out crossover to go past Kelly and take the shot just as the buzzard sounded. The blonde was in front of her to box her out but by then the ball was already traveling through the hoop.

Kelly's hands rested on her hips as she turned around with an amused smirk. "Meu baixinho scored on me with a move _I_ taught her," she said, pulling the brunette into a hug. "I've missed you meu saudade." She whispered, tightening her hold on the brunette. Beca inhaled deeply, nostalgia coating her as she embraced her longtime friend. They held each other for a long time, just reminiscing in the friendship that was lost because of Julia. The two pulled away knowing they needed to return to their respective teams for the customary handshakes that followed every game.

Beca jogged over to her team and jumped to the back of the line, slapping the hands of the NYU players, adding the customary, "Good game."

When she reached Kelly at the back of the line, they slapped hands before Kelly wrapped an arm around Beca and the two walked away from the noise and out into the hallway. Beca immediately turned to her and began to apologize. This was five years in the making and she needed to tell Kelly the truth—not about what Julia did, but that it wasn't her choice to end their friendship. "Look Kelly, I'm sorry about everything. About how I treated you."

Kelly shook her head, "It wasn't your fault little mouse." With a sigh she pulled her jersey up to wipe away the sweat dripping down her forehead. "Coach threatened to kick me off the team if I 'didn't stop preying' on you." She said with a bitter scoff. "Fucking hypocritical bitch she was."

Beca sighed as she took in everything Kelly said. Julia threatened her? How conniving could Julia be to threaten to take away Kelly's shot to college? Kelly was right, she was a hypocritical bitch but as Beca thought about it she realized that the only reason Kelly would call her hypocritical was if she thought Julia was 'preying' on her. Her eyes widened as she stammered for a response but Kelly placed a hand on her shoulder to calm her.

"I didn't figure it out until much later, Beca, and I wish you would've told me. I would have fought for you."

Beca looked down at her feet sadly. As much as she wanted to tell the blonde all those years ago, she couldn't and it wasn't because she wanted to protect Julia. She wanted to protect Kelly and she knew if the older girl had known she would have confronted Julia, risking everything. Beca knew she wasn't worth such a risk. "I couldn't tell you."

"I know..." she said sadly. "I just hate how _blind_ I was to what was right in front of my face. I saw the way she acted around you and I thought she was a little possessive of you but I didn't think she was doing _that_. When I did realize what she did, it took all of my self-control not to go back to Roosevelt and strangle her."

The two made their ways down towards the locker rooms and Kelly said after a moment in silence. "You know, I looked out for you at graduation. Did she say you couldn't go?"

Beca nodded and Kelly sighed in aggravation. "I thought about you every day after I left. I felt so guilty about leaving because like I said, with your hair cut like that we look like twins. It could have been me she hurt if my parents weren't as involved as they were...

"It's ok Kel. I know you wanted to help me and felt bad for leaving but it wasn't like you were in a position to save me either. "

As they stopped in front of the locker room Barden had been assigned Beca couldn't help but wonder if that animosity Julia had towards Kelly was because of what the blonde had said. It wasn't jealousy over her taking Beca's attention away from her—although Beca didn't doubt that was a part of it. Kelly was older than her. Did Julia try something with Kelly and wasn't able to lure her in like she had Beca?

Kelly looked towards the locker room door next to them and said, "Maybe I should let you get to your team. If your coach is anything like mine she feels the need to debrief the _entire_ game."

Beca chuckled as she nodded, "Yeah."

"It was nice seeing you little mouse." Kelly said, pulling Beca into another hug.

The two exchanged numbers before parting, sharing the feeling that they were getting back the friendship that was forcibly taken from them. Except this time, nothing was going to break them apart.

The team wanted to celebrate their win and unanimously decided they wanted to do something _without_ alcohol. So, after a few minutes of debate, they decided upon the empire state building which was where they currently were.

Beca and Aubrey stood a bit away from the rest of the group, looking out at the view of the city.

"Hey, I know this is your first time in New York but looking at it for hours isn't my idea of fun."

"Well then maybe you should take me somewhere else. I'm sure you know a better place to go having lived here your entire life."

Beca smirked, and took Aubrey's hand. She called to the girls that they'd see them at the hotel before leading Aubrey on to the elevator.

She took her to the lake in central park and Aubrey gasped at the view. With the setting sun shining down on the lake, it left it coated in an orange glow.

"Everyone knows about the reservoir but I like the lake a lot better. It's a lot quieter. I used to come here all the time as a kid." She said as she picked up a handful of stones and began to toss them out onto the lake, smiling joyfully as she watched them skip across the water.

"Bree, have you ever skipped rocks before?"

The blonde shook her head as she walked up to stand beside Beca. The brunette smiled and handed her one of the flat stones. She then proceeded to teach her the childhood skill and the two spent the next hour skipping rocks.

"Beca?"

"Yeah?"

Aubrey paused not sure if she should ask about the girl she saw Beca hug and walk out of the gym with. She didn't want to seem intrusive but she took a deep breath and proceeded anyway. "That girl at the game, number 23, who was she?"

Beca sighed and threw another rock into the water. "She was a friend from high school, my best friend even."

"You don't seem too happy about it."

"No, I'm happy. It's just...she told me that she knows about Julia."

"Did she know while you were in school together?"

Beca shook her head. "I did a good job of hiding it. I didn't want anyone to know so they didn't."

"Did you love her?"

"I think I could have." Beca dropped the stones in her hand and sat on the grass, waiting for Aubrey to join her. "Kelly was two years ahead of me and she was my friend. The only girl on the team that was nice to me even though I was the youngest player on the team. There was always this animosity between her and Julia which I could never figure out and her friendship with me only seemed to make it worse. It all came to a head when she asked me to homecoming." Beca grew silent as she focused on the grass she was pulling out of the ground. This was another one of those things she'd rather not think about because it hurt almost as much as it did to think about what Julia did to her. "Julia was _so _jealous that night and when I got home she hit me. Through everything we'd been through she was never violent with me. I think Kelly scared her. She reminded her that there was a possibility that I could leave…that I _wanted_ to leave."

_Beca walked up the stairs to her room, a smile still on her face at the wonderful night she had with Kelly. She had never been to a dance before and Kelly had not only invited her as a freshman but she also made sure she didn't feel out of place around all of the upperclassmen. She walked into her room and placed her Rzr cellphone on its charger by the wall before taking a seat on the bed to remove her shoes._

_Kelly had been so nice to her and they had danced and had so much fun. And even though she might have had a small crush on the senior, she was glad that for the first time she actually had a friend that was loyal to her. Kelly had stuck up for her and stood by her side for the past two years and she was forever grateful for Kelly being in her life._

_She stood up and stepped out of her yellow dress, smiling at the article of clothing as she laid it on her bed. She grabbed her phone as it vibrated from its spot on the nightstand and opened it to read the message._

_**"I had an awesome time, mouse. I def want to hang out tomorrow. I'll call you."**_

_Beca went to reply but stopped at a sudden noise. Her head snapped up at the sound of her door opening. Julia stood leaning against the doorway with her arms crossed and she sneered seeing Beca in just her underwear. Lace underwear that Julia didn't buy her. Beca saw her anger but didn't care. It wasn't her fault that Julia didn't want to help her get ready for the dance and she was forced to ask Kelly's mother._

"_You're back." She said and Beca immediately knew she was drunk. She hated how petty the older woman could be. God forbid Beca spent a night away from Julia and the older woman was off to get plastered._

_Holding back her annoyance, she put on a smile and nodded. She refused to let Julia ruin what had been such a wonderful night for her. _

"_Yeah. I had a lot of fun. Layla even won homecoming queen." She said hoping talking about another teammate would lessen the older woman's jealousy towards Kelly. _

_Julia remained silent before standing up straight. "Do you enjoy hurting me?"_

_Beca's forehead wrinkled in confusion. She knew that it was a trick question and she had to think about her answer carefully or she'd have a repeat performance of what Julia did to her when she twelve years old and dared to ask Julia for time alone. _

"_N—no."_

"_Then why do you continue to hurt me, Rebecca?" she asked. Seeing Beca confused face staring back at her, she said, __"I didn't want you to go out with her tonight. You looked __**so**__ beautiful and it wasn't for me. You saw how much it hurt me that you were going out with her tonight and you ignored it."_

_Beca's eyes widened in alarm, seeing the familiar signs of Julia's anger beginning to come to the surface. She needed to diffuse the situation before Julia did something they'd both regret. . "I didn't purposely want to hurt you Julia. Remember we talked about me getting out more and not isolating myself so much?"_

"_But that didn't mean go out and find some girl to sleep with."_

_"Julia, I—"_

"_Did you fuck her?"_

"_Huh? What? No—"_

"_Don't lie to me Rebecca!" she said, glaring at the fourteen year old in front of her. _

"_I'm not lying."_

"_Funny, I don't believe you." She spat angrily. "If I didn't make this clear before, Rebeca, I'm going to say it now. No one is to touch you but me. No one." She said and stumbled in to the room, frightening Beca even more._

_The older woman handled alcohol very well and it was rare that Beca saw her so inebriated that she exhibited physical signs such as stumbling and slurring. Taking a step back, she put her hands up trying to calm Julia. "Julia, I didn't—" she was interrupted by the impact of Julia's hand slapping her across the face. Beca held her cheek, looking back at Julia through shocked and teary eyes._

"_It doesn't matter what you did or did not do. Just know, it will never happen again."_

"_What's—what's that supposed to mean?"_

"_It means," she paused and took the final steps towards Beca before pushing her down on the bed and straddling her quickly. Beca tried to sit up but Julia grabbed her arms and pinned them above head as pushed her back down. Leaning down, she bit Beca's lip roughly before husking, "I'm going to make sure you never forget who you belong to." _

"I was fourteen and I guess Julia lost interest because she didn't make me do stuff to her as often…But when I tried to move on, be normal it—it didn't work. She humiliated my friends or anyone that showed any interest in me. I guess I was too old for her but no one else could have me either." She wiped at her eyes and bitterly said, "What the fuck did she want from me?"

Aubrey wrapped an arm around Beca, rubbing soothing circles on the brunette's back.

"I couldn't have friends, I couldn't have relationships. She controlled _everything_. From the way I dressed to the way I spoke. It's probably why I dress like a bum most of the time and swear like a sailor. She didn't like me swearing unless she was between my legs. And then…then, the louder the better. I think the first time she heard me say 'fuck' made her cum. That's messed up isn't it?" she asked looking over at Aubrey as if expecting an answer although both girls knew she wasn't. "It's like she got pleasure in hearing a nine year old yell 'fuck", as proof of her corruption." Beca stood up and grabbed the rocks she had abandoned. She began to violently fling them into the lake as she screamed, "Well fuck you Julia! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU! YOU FUCKING BITCH!"

Aubrey watched Beca and allowed her to release her anger, knowing Beca needed this catharsis. The more Beca told her, the more she put together the puzzle that was Rebecca Mitchell, the more Aubrey's heart ached. There was so much that Beca wanted to tell her and Aubrey was beginning to think she might not be able to handle it. This was stuff that happened to other people in faraway places. It wasn't supposed to happen here, to people like Beca, and yet it did. It happened and there was nothing anyone did to stop it. After the brunette stopped and fell to her knees, panting to catch her breath, Aubrey walked over to her and extended her hand. When Beca took her hand, she led the brunette away from the lake and they began to make their way down the path that would lead them out of the park.

"Where are we going?" Beca asked. She knew Aubrey wasn't familiar with the city and she really wasn't in the mood to get lost.

"We're going to meet someone." She glanced at Beca and smiled. "Do you trust me?"

Beca squeezed the hand in her own and nodded. "Always"

The two made their way onto 33rd street and they passed a homeless man playing Christmas tunes on a small keyboard. Aubrey reached into her pocket and pulled out a bill, dropping it into the paint bucket the man was using to collect tips.

Beca's eyes widened when she saw the number 20 in the corner of the bill as the two walked away. "Do you realize how much you just gave him?"

Aubrey nodded and continued to walk.

"Why?" she asked but Aubrey didn't answer and they continued down the street until they got to their destination.

It was a small restaurant that Beca was familiar with. They got a table and sat down to figure out what they wanted to eat.

Beca looked at her menu and when she lifted her head to inquire what Aubrey was planning to order someone slid into the booth next to the senior. Beca recognized him as the homeless man from the park.

She opened her mouth to protest but was stopped by the bright smile Aubrey gave the stranger before pulling him into a hug. Ok, what was going on? She didn't quite understand if she was missing something or if Aubrey was truly hugging the homeless man from the park. She watched the scene with immense confusion. Aubrey looked over at her and chuckled when she realized how this entire thing must have looked.

"Oh, Beca. I guess I should explain."

"Yeah, that seems like a good idea."

Aubrey gestured to the man next to her, "This is my brother, Wesley." She turned her head to look at Wesley. "Wes, this is Beca."

Wesley smiled and put out his hand for Beca to shake. "So you're Beca, huh? Are you the one that punched Charlie?"

Beca blushed and nodded in embarrassment wondering how he knew about her encounter with the soccer player.

"Oh don't worry. I never liked her anyway. So an enemy of hers is a friend of mine."

Beca chuckled and looked at Aubrey. "I, uh, am going to use the bathroom." She said and slid out of the booth. "If the waitress comes, just order me whatever you're getting."

While Beca was in the bathroom Charlie looked at his sister. "So are you still writing your thesis on her?"

Aubrey nodded, "Yeah, but a lot has changed since I last called you. I don't think it's a good idea anymore."

"Well why don't you just start over? You have an entire semester to finish."

"But, Wes, I told you that practically begged my professor for a change in topic and I can't start over."

Wesley narrowed his eyes at her and sat back in the booth, resting his arms of the back of the chair, "There's more to this."

"There's nothing to it." she said, feeling uncomfortable under the appraising gaze of her brother.

"How long have you known?"

"Known what?"

"That you were in love with Beca." Seeing the look on his sister's face, he sighed and grabbed her hands, rubbing the back of them gently with the pads of his thumb. "You've never looked at Charlie the way you look at Beca, and you came out to dad for that bitch. So, I'll ask again, how long have you been in love with her?"

Aubrey's eyes widened but she quickly managed to hide the shock on her face. Is it that obvious? Oh god, could Beca sense it? She opened her mouth to lie but stopped when Beca slid back into the booth with two large glasses.

"They had smoothies, Bree." She handed one of the glasses to her. "They even have that disgusting mint one that you said you liked that one that."

Wesley's eye brow rose as he looked at the brunette impressed by her already. He looked at his sister with a knowing smirk and Aubrey rolled her eyes, focusing her attention back on Beca who was currently focusing on the smoothie she was drinking.

Wesley looked around the restaurant and his eyes brightened when he saw the grand piano on the stage at the front of the room. "I'll leave you two to…to talk." He said suggestively. "I'm gonna go see if the band'll let me jam."

The two smiled to themselves when Wesley sat down at the grand piano. The band began to play Cold Duck Time and both women noticed just how in his element Wesley was.

"He's so good. Why is he playing in the park for pocket change?"

Aubrey hesitated in response, stirring her straw in her drink as she tried to decide if she wanted to divulge her brother's personal business. "When he left Julliard, he couldn't find work."

Beca looked at her in bewilderment. "But he's an amazing player, there has to be more to the story."

Aubrey sighed, "It's his drug habit…he began using Adderall and Ritalin to practice harder and longer. Somewhere along the way he progressed to harder drugs. His senior year he got recruited to play for the New York Philharmonic but after failing a mandatory drug test, he lost the spot and kinda fell into a depression. He never managed to recover after that…I send him money when I can but all of my money comes from my parents and I can't ask for more without rousing suspicion."

"You shouldn't have to take on the burden of helping him by yourself."

Aubrey smiled sadly at her brother playing happily on stage. "If I don't help him, no one will."

"Well why doesn't he go back home until he gets back on his feet."

"He'd rather be homeless than return home to tell Richard Posen he was right."

Beca reached across the table and held Aubrey's hand. "Your father was wrong about him. He was wrong about a lot of things." She said. When Aubrey smiled at her she was relieved that the blonde understood what Beca meant but was too afraid to say.

There were a lot of things she was afraid to say and even more afraid to admit to herself. She knew what she felt for Aubrey was more than just a crush. It was something she had never felt before and although the thought of it normally terrified her, she couldn't help but realize she'd rather feel nothing but this about Aubrey. It wasn't love but she knew it was damn sure close.


	24. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 _**Release Me from These Memories**_

_Dear Kelly, _

_You know, I prayed for so long that you, somehow, knew I never wanted to hurt you. That it was __her __that made me say those things to you. But maybe it was best that you got out when you did. I know I carried a lot of baggage—I still do, and it would have been extremely selfish to relegate you as the person to help carry the burden of Julia. It felt really great—just seeing you. Like really great and it made realize how much I missed you. Julia wouldn't even let me go to graduation. I probably could have been found a way to go but I still have the scars from the last time I disobeyed her for you. You were the light at the end of a very dark tunnel and at moments it felt like the light was getting closer. For a long time I hated Julia for taking you away and I hated you even longer for letting her. I know now that my hate was misplaced and that Julia was an infectious poison. I don't blame you for getting away while you still could. _

Beca quickly kicked the ball out to Chloe in the corner and yelled for her to shoot. The redhead set her feet, her right foot twisting slightly in Chloe's signature way as she released the ball. The buzzard sounded and everyone held their breath as the ball made its way through the air. This game had been very challenging as they went up against the reigning national champions, UConn. The score was 78-76 and this shot determined if all of their sweat and hard work would pay off.

It hit the rim, teetering slightly before falling in and the gym was filled with deafening applause.

Confetti fell from the ceiling and Beca looked up at the falling shreds, an overwhelming sense of accomplishment filling her. The last time something like this had happened was her junior year of high school when they'd won the national title. Although, that day had been marred with the overwhelming dread of Julia wanting to "celebrate" when they got back to the hotel. No, this time was something special. She played well and it paid off. No one expected her to do anything but play basketball and it made this win greater than all the others combined.

Chloe ran over to her and nearly knocked her over in her excitement as she wrapped her arms around the brunette screaming, "We did it, Becs!"

"Yeah, but we wouldn't have don't anything without that awesome final shot you made."

"Yeah, but without your assist I couldn't have got that shot off. And don't even try and act as if it was no big deal. Passing between those two guards was almost impossible."

Beca rolled her eyes, "Well we won, isn't that what's important?"

Chloe nodded and wrapped her arms around Beca again. "Totes. This makes Christmas twenty times better."

The two made their way over to the line for handshakes and when she got to the UConn coach and grasped his hand, the older man held her hand and pulled her close so that he could speak and she could hear over the crowd. "Great game, Miss Mitchell. A lot of power in such a small body."

Beca chuckled, blushing slightly at the compliment.

"Thanks, sir, that—that means a lot."

"Well I'm only speaking the truth. It broke my heart when you didn't accept our offer. I'm sure the girls would've loved you on the team."

"Yeah and I'm sure I would've loved it too. But I gotta go, sir, my coach is waiting on me."

"Yes of course. Great seeing you, Miss Mitchell."

Beca shook his hand and jogged over to her waiting team. Coach Abernathy congratulated her on a good game and the team made their way to the center of the court to be presented with their trophy.

After the trophy was handed out, the team made their way towards the locker room.

"Miss Mitchell, do you have a moment?"

Beca turned and was greeted with an ESPN camera and reporter.

"Uh, yeah. Sure."

"Great. UConn has played first, nationally, for the past five years consecutively. What was the game plan going into tonight's game?"

"Uh, well they're a fast team and they're patient. They don't force their plays and as a result we needed our defense to be perfect. We used the shot clock as a sixth man and forced them into making quick shots before the clock wound down."

"By the half you were down by fifteen. Did that discourage the team?"

Beca used the neck of her jersey to wipe at the sweat gathered above her upper lip and on her forehead. "No, not really. UConn has such versatile players with post players being able to handle the ball and guards being able to post up for layups. We went into the locker-room, readjusted our game plan, and then came back out here for the win."

"And it worked." The reported said with a smile. "Now on to you, Rebeca. The sports world is glad to have you back after your surprising rejection of NYU, UConn, and Notre Dame. What the fans have been desperate to know is why you took such a long hiatus. And furthermore, why Barden when you decided to come back?"

"Well, although those are great schools with wonderful teams that I'm sure I would've loved playing for, but Barden, uh—I found something at Barden that I couldn't have found at those other schools." She said, her eyes inconspicuously looking over at Aubrey. "Barden might not have a million NCAA titles to their credit but I know I made the right choice."

_I remember that old, quiet day  
I remember the innocence with it  
I remember the death, it was beautiful  
I remember the nothingness of me_

_I Remember back, in the beginning  
I remember the years all too well  
I remember dreams of a better world  
And I remember what they did to me_

Beca walked into the guest locker room laughing at the sight of Fat Amy running around shirtless yelling that they won, over and over again. She made her way over to her locker where she had stored her things. Opening her gym bag, she froze at the sight of a single red rose laying neatly above her clothes. Hesitantly picking up the flower, she looked at it fearfully before noticing the small card that was attached had fallen. Slowly, she stooped down and tentatively lifted it from the floor. It was a photograph, one that she recognized right away. it was taken on her ninth birthday. She and Julia were in her bed—naked, having just finished playing one of their "games"—and Julia held the camera above them as the two brunette's smiled up at the lens. The picture only captured their bodies from the shoulders up but Beca remembered that her stomach and chest had been painted in Julia's red lipstick from where the older woman had pressed her lips against her adolescent body as she rubbed against the younger girl seeking pleasure. Beca hated how naïve she looked in the picture, smiling at the camera as if she hadn't been violated just moments before.

She didn't understand. How did Julia find her? She made sure to not hint at being in New York for the tournament, so how did Julia know? Furthermore, how did she get into the locker room and how did she know this bag was beca's. Turning over the photo she clenched her jaw as she saw in neat script the words: _"You promised to always love me and me unto you. A promise made with as much commitment as any vow. I am willing to forgive because I love you and the course of true love never runs smooth. I will see you soon."_

Before she could even register what was happening, the black ink on the page began to blur, lifting from the white card and surrounding her in darkness.

_Beca sat on her porch checking the watch she fished out of the cereal box that morning for what had to be the fifth time. She had called Julia over an hour ago and was beginning to worry. She had never been this late when coming to pick her up. She looked up into the sky of the cool spring night and sighed, afraid that Julia wasn't coming and she would have to go back inside and face her drunken mother. _

_Just when she was prepared to return inside and hopefully sneak past her mother unscathed, a yellow taxi pulled up in front of her house. _

"_Re—Rebeca." Julia called to her as she got out of the car, stumbling slightly. Beca ran into her arms and the older woman pulled her close._

"_Don't wor-worry my little Blackbird, it'll be alright." She slurred and led Beca towards the cab. As the car pulled away from the curb Beca looked over to Julia who was preoccupied with her phone. _

"_How did your date go?" she asked, seeing the navy blue dress Julia wore and remembering that she had gone out with her husband earlier in the night. The two had been separated for the past seven months and they had gone out that evening to discuss reconciling. From Julia's smeared lipstick and mascara, Beca could tell the date hadn't gone too well._

"_Huh? Oh, it went fine." Julia said, before looking back down at her phone as if expecting a call._

_The two sat in silence for the rest of the ride and soon enough they were at Julia's house. After the fare was paid, Julia and Beca exited the car, Beca having to hold Julia's hand to stop her from toppling over in her high heeled stilettos because of her slightly tipsy state._

_Once they were inside, Beca helped Julia over to the couch and sat her down, helping the older woman remove her shoes. Julia smiled softly at her, "You're so sweet, little bird."_

_Beca returned the smile as she helped her removed her jewelry and place them on the end table next to the couch._

"_Do me a favor, honey. On the middle bookshelf over there, behind the book _**Lolita**_, is a bottle of scotch. Bring it here, will you, please?"_

_Beca nodded and did as instructed, producing the glass bottle. She handed it to Julia and turned to grab a glass from the kitchen but the older woman waved her off as she took a sip of the drink straight from the bottle. "Help me to my room, please."_

_Beca nodded and allowed Julia to wrap an arm around her so that she could lift her from the couch. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Blackbird." Julia whispered as they stumbled up the stairs and down the hall to Julia's bedroom. Beca helped her over to the bed and turned to leave._

"_D-don't leave me, honey."_

"_I thought you might want to be alone besides there's school in the morning and I don't want to keep you up with the TV."_

_Julia shook her head and took another drink. "Nonsense. I want you to sleep in here with me. I don't want to be alone."_

_Beca sighed but walked over to the bed, kicking off her Adidas and jeans before pulling her sweatshirt off and dropping them on the side of the bed. Julia normally would reprimand her for such a thing but the older woman was too preoccupied with putting away that bottle of scotch in record time as she took sip after sip. Beca couldn't help but wonder what had occurred on her date with her husband that caused her to come home and immediately get drunk. _

_Julia stood up and removed her dress sliding it down her slim body before stepping out of it. she grabbed her crimson red silk nightgown that lay on her pillow where she'd left it that morning and pulled it over her body. _

_Beca watched her, not sure if Julia meant it when she said she just wanted to sleep. It rarely happened but Julia seemed more focused on her phone then the ten year old so beca sat on the bed and waited. _

_Julia's phone rang and Beca watched her quickly flip open her phone and put it to her ear. _

_Julia sat down on the bed, her back turned to Beca as she spoke to whoever was on the other end._

"_**Can we at least talk about it?" **__Julia asked desperately. The person on the other end must have said no because Julia said, __**"I refuse to let you give up on us." **__She paused listening to the person____on the other end before saying __**"I don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't thinking of anyone but you…"  
**__ Another pause before she suddenly shouted, "__**That's ridiculous and you know it! I doubt I'm the only person to close my eyes during sex, it doesn't mean I was thinking of someone else." **__She said sardonically. There was another long pause before she said __**"How dare you ask me that. I told you I didn't touch…Can we just meet for coffee tomorrow after work and— hello? Robert, hello?"**_

_Beca jumped when Julia suddenly flung her phone at the wall and began to sob into her hands. _

"_Wh—what's wrong?"_

"_It's over." Julia sobbed._

"_What are you talking about?"_

"_Robert. He doesn't love me anymore." Julia said as she turned around and looked at Beca with watery eyes. _

_The ten year old reached out and wiped at Julia's tears, smiling softly at her. "It's ok. He'll come back again. And if he doesn't, I'll still be here. I'll still love you."_

_The older woman reached up and placed her hand on top of Beca's holding her hand in place. "Do you mean that? Do you love me?" Julia asked and smiled when Beca nodded. _

"_Yeah. I love you a lot Ms. Julia."_

_Julia smiled and leaned in, placing her lips on Beca's. _

_The fifth grader immediately jumped back, "I—I told you I don't want to play that game anymore."_

_Julia grasped her hand before she could scoot further away. "I'm hurting, Blackbird. I just want to feel better." When Beca looked at her in confusion Julia crawled onto the bed and stood on her knees in front of Beca. "Don't you want me to feel better? To stop being sad?" she asked._

_Beca nodded tentatively, watching as Julia wiped away a tear that fell down her face smearing her mascara further. _

"_Then just do this one thing for me." She said, guiding Beca onto her back. "It won't hurt I promise. It'll feel good." She purred, hiking up her nightgown up so that she could fully straddle the young girl's hips. Lusty eyes stared down at her from behind a curtain of brown hair. Beca gulped as she stared up at the older woman, the feeling of Julia's arousal could be felt through her underwear as she began to grind against Beca's stomach. Julia leaned down and pulled Beca's shirt off, replacing it with her lips as they peppered along her chest, coating her skin with her saliva. "It'll make us both feel good. I promise."_

"You liar! You fucking liar! You lying bitch!" she screamed as she kicked the metal locker in front of her over and over again before ripping open the door and pulling its contents to the floor. How dare that bitch manipulate her like that! She was just a little kid, desperate to prove her love and Julia took advantage of that. Took advantage of her.

_I know that I can survive this  
I know that there's a way  
I know that I can survive this  
I see a way_

_Release me from these memories  
And show me a way to be free  
Release me from these chains  
And show me a way for me to start again and start this all over_

Aubrey watched Beca freeze for a long time, her eyes trained on the rose in her hand before she began to lash out in a sudden burst of anger. Screaming over and over again, "You liar! You fucking liar! You lying bitch" as she kicked the locker repeatedly before proceeding to throw her clothes onto the floor and smash her head into the locker. Aubrey quickly ran over and wrapped her arms around the brunette, ignoring the confused faces the rest of the team were directing at Beca.

Beca's knees buckled underneath her the moment she felt Aubrey and when they hit the floor she immediately turned in the blonde's arms, clinging to her as she buried her head in Aubrey's shoulder to hide her tears from her teammates. When she heard Aubrey tell the team to give them a few minutes alone she looked up and gasped, "The memories are fucking, eating me alive. I need a drink, Bree. Just one. Just enough to forget."

Aubrey saw the crumbled picture fall from beca's hand and when she saw what was in the photo she held the brunette tighter, ignoring her attempts to free herself from her grasp. "Beca, babe, drinking tonight won't change the fact that the pain will still be waiting there in the morning."

Beca shook her head as if not wanting to believe what Aubrey said to be true. She _needed _it to be true. If alcohol couldn't make her forget then would she be doomed to live with this for the rest of her life? Aubrey saw Beca close her eyes and let heavy tears fall so she reached out and cradled Beca's head in her hands, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. 'It's gonna be alright Beca. I'm not going to let her hurt you."

Beca looked up at her and said grimly, "You can't promise that."

"Yes I can."

Beca sighed and pulled away from Aubrey, scooting back so that she could lean against the dented locker behind her. Her eyes went blank as she began to speak.

"The first time it happened I was ten years old. Before that it was for the most part just touching, her making me touch her or watching me while I touched myself or her 'special games' where she'd make me get on top of her and…" She trailed off, the knot in her throat stopping her from speaking. She didn't realize understand why she was even telling Aubrey this. It was sick and twisted and if she were in the blonde's shoes she wouldn't want to hear anymore. But, as selfish as it may sound, be a found relief when she told Aubrey about her past. Talking to her helped her work through all the jumbled mess in her head.

With a deep breath to calm herself she continued. "She'd make me grind against her until I 'felt a wave' in my stomach. I guess that was her PG-13 way of saying 'ride me 'til you cum.'" She wiped at her nose before taking the picture on the floor and looking at it sadly. Such a happier time when she was so naïve and ignorant. When she wasn't weighed down by the burden of guilt and shame because Julia wanted something from her that no child should have to give. "That was basically what the first two years were like. I guess she didn't want to overwhelm me with too much at first because she didn't touch me that often but the first time we had sex was when I was ten….it was an ironic turn of events since she was drunk and I was sober…We were in her bed and after it was done i stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours trying to come back from whatever place my mind took me to and i cried."

Her head dropped as she began to sob again. "I cried and i just remember her reaching out to hold me. She held me like she wanted to make all the pain go away...she _was_ the pain but she held me like a mother holds her child and she sang this song…Blackbird by the Beatles. She actually sang to me and it made everything so beautiful and so _fucking ugly_ and disgusting at the same time. I remember crawling out of her arms in the middle of the night and getting into the tub of scolding hot water. I felt so dirty and I knew it was all my fault. I was the reason it happened. _I_ called her that night. My mom was drinking again and yelling and throwing stuff. She wasn't bothering me but I didn't want to be there anymore. And I called Julia. She came and got me no questions asked. She left the date that could have possibly saved her marriage to come and rescue me."

Aubrey reached out to take beca's hand but the brunette pulled away, wrapping her arms around herself instead. "Beca it's not your fault. You were just a little girl who was taken advantage of."

Heavy tears fell past Beca's closed eyelids. "But it _was_ my fault. She was—is sick and maybe it was my fault that she did that stuff to me. I—I used to always go to her house after practice and just take my clothes off in front of her before the shower like it was nothing. I—I used to think it was funny to do something so that she'd chase me into the bathroom and I'd pull her into the tub with me. Maybe she was trying to stop herself." Beca pulled her legs to her chest and rested her forehead on her knees. "I made it hard for her…I just wish I hadn't needed her as much as I did."

_Kelly took a seat on the wooden bench next to Beca and placed the paper plate in her hand between them. "I don't know who decided frying liquid batter was a good idea, but thank the gods they did." She said as she pulled a piece of funnel cake from the plate. _

_Beca smirked as she also took a piece of the fried dessert. "I know your gonna have so much fun in California. I bet you're gonna see a bunch of celebrities and you gotta take a lot of pictures."_

"_Duh. You think I'm gonna go to Cali and not act like a total nutcase snapping pictures like a tourist?" Kelly joked. Their laughter was interrupted by her phone chiming. She frowned when she read the number on the front screen. "It's coach."_

_Beca's eyes widened in panic, knowing Julia was calling due to their impromptu absence from practice._

"_**Hello?"**__ Kelly said into the receiver of her cell phone._

"_**I would like to speak to Rebeca." **__was the curt response._

_Kelly pulled the phone from her ear and looked at it with a frown on her face before handing it to Beca. "She wants to speak to you."_

"_Me?" she asked and Kelly just shrugged. Beca tentatively accepted the phone and placed it at her ear. "H-hello?" _

"_**Please come to the school when you're done gallivanting around with Ms. Da Silva." **_

_Beca didn't even have the chance to respond before the call was ended abruptly._

_She sighed and closed the phone before handing it back to the junior. Kelly sighed, "Is she mad?"_

_Beca nodded, "She wants us to come back to the school."_

_Kelly nodded and the two made their way to Penn station in silence. When they arrived at the school, they dreaded heading to Julia's office but it was inevitable and before they knew it they were at Julia's office door. The wooden door swung open before either could get the courage to knock._

_Julia walked past the threshold of the door and looked at the two, annoyance marring her face. She crossed her arms and looked at them. "Please explain to me why you two thought it smart to skip my practice?" _

_Neither girl answered and Julia turned her focus towards the younger girl. Beca looked at her with panicked eyes as she stuttered for an answer._

"_Rebecca I asked you a question and I would appreciate it if you would use coherent words."_

_Kelly jumped in, seeing the panic on Beca's face. "it wasn't Beca's fault. I convinced her to come out with me to Coney Island and celebrate with me."_

_Julia tore her eyes away from Beca and finally looked at the junior. "Celebrate what?"_

_Kelly smile and said, "Well, you'll be glad to know coach, I was accepted into the basketball camp in San Diego. My mom called me after lunch telling me the letter came."_

"_Isn't that wonderful news." Julia said sardonically. With a sigh she said, "Ms. Da Silva you know the punishment for skipping practice without a valid excuse. I expect you to serve out your punishment tomorrow during practice."  
Kelly opened her mouth to argue but closed it, realizing it would be a futile endeavor. Finally looking back at Beca, she narrowed her eyes. "As for you, Rebecca…I'll give you two minutes to say goodbye to Ms Da Silva before I expect you in my office." She said before turning around swiftly and walking back into her office, closing the door behind her._

_Kelly rolled her eyes, "You would think I tried to steal you away from her, by the way she behaved."_

_Beca tried to force a laugh but it came out as a chocked and bitter scoff instead. If only Kelly knew just how true her "joke" was. _

"_Do you want me to wait around for you?" The older girl asked and Beca shook her head, her eyes skating nervously to the door next to the before looking back up at blue last thing she needed was for Julia to see something to increase her jealousy and anger her even more. _

"_No, you should probably head home. I know your mom is probably waiting to celebrate. Julia'll probably take me home anyway."_

_Kelly nodded but frowned when she realized that Beca was obviously upset. She could see the small brunette shaking lightly. "Are you ok?"_

"_Yeah. I just…I guess I'm gonna miss you over the summer." She lied. She was going to miss Kelly, the only sense of refuge from Julia that she had, but that wasn't why she was upset now. Julia was pissed that she purposely skipped practice to be with kelly and be a hated dealing with the older woman when she was like this because it usually meant a night of passive aggressive fighting and jealousy fueled sex. _

_Kelly pulled her into a hug, "Don't worry, Becs. We can text and call everyday."_

_Beca allowed the hug to go on for a few seconds knowing Julia was waiting for her and wouldn't take kindly to her being late. She bid the older girl goodnight and waited until she exited the hallway before sighing and going inside Julia's office._

"_Close the door." Julia said, not looking up to address the twelve year old. Beca nodded and did as instructed before walking over to Julia's desk and taking a seat in the chair in front of it. Julia didn't stop working._

_Beca sat watching her scribble away tirelessly on the yellow legal pad in front of her for over twenty minutes. She knew how long they'd been sitting there because she had also been watching the clock behind Julia tick away as they sat in silence. As the minute hand made its way onto the six, Julia broke the silence with, "Do you prefer spending time with her over me?" although she still refused to look up at the twelve year old in front of her. Beca looked at Julia, eyes wide as she stuttered out, "N—no. it's not that."_

"_Then why did you skip practice?"_

'_I—I—"_

"_Do not lie to me, Rebeca." She said firmly. _

_Beca sighed and sat up straight in her chair. Although Julia still continued to work and not look at her, Beca could see the anger in her body language. The way she held her pen in a death grip and how tense her shoulders were. Beca knew this wasn't the time to lie. "It's just, sometimes I feel like I never have time to myself…" she paused, waiting for Julia to interrupt and when she didn't she continued. "I see you in the morning, at practice, at home…sometime I just feel like I'm suffocating."_

_Julia finally looked up, placing her pen neatly to the side of her work before folding her hands loosely on top of her memo pad. Beca could see her school her features to hide her anger and she couldn't help but wonder if this was how she acted around her students._

"_Suffocating?"_

_Beca shrugged nervously, "I—I guess not really suffocating but I just want to hang out with my friends sometimes and—"_

"_Am I not your friend?"_

"_yeah, but—"_

"_But what?" Julia asked, her collective calm unnerving to the twelve year old. Julia was angry, that much she could tell, but instead of yelling she just sat there and talked to her as if they were discussing the weather. _

"_But with Kelly, or Eric, or Peter, I just feel…I don't know, freer." She responded fumbling nervously with the jelly bracelet around her wrists. _

"_So it's freedom that you want?"_

_Beca shrugged and mumbled, "I guess so."_

_Julia slammed her hand down on the desk, her composure crumbling as she shouted, "Rebeca, _**please**_, stop fucking mumbling and answer me when I ask you a question."_

_Beca, still shocked by her outburst, didn't respond which only angered the older woman further. Julia exhaled harshly before taking another breath to calm down._

"_I wasn't aware that I was _**smothering**_ you." She stared at Beca intensely, waiting for the little girl to respond. When Beca continued to fumble with her hands the older woman stood up._

"_If that's what you want, who am I to deny you? I'm willing to give you space." She said, spitting out the last word as if it physically hurt to say. "Give you freedom. I'll take you home and afterwards I'll distance myself."_

_That was the last thing Julia said to her before she drove her home. The car ride was filled with tense silence and when they pulled up to the curb in front of Beca's house, Julia didn't bother looking at her as she said, "I assume you can make it home from now on with Ms. Da Silva?" _

_Beca nodded and opened her door. Looking back at Julia, expecting her to say something, she sighed when she realized Julia was dismissing her—giving her what she wanted. But as Julia's car sped away and she made her way up the walkway to her house she wasn't quite sure exactly what it was she wanted. _

"I didn't see her for two weeks. She didn't have me come to her practices at Roosevelt so I didn't see her at all." Beca said, wiping at her burning eyes.

Aubrey looked at her in shock, that's great right? She left you alone."

Beca scoffed, "yeah, I guess. I wasn't forced to comply with the sexual demands she made of me by being back home, but by her distancing herself, it also meant not being able to call her when my mom got violent. The call went straight to voicemail. When I showed up to her practice on my own once with this large gash on my face—never call a drunk a drunk to their face by the way—I could see her battling internally on whether or not to ask what happen. She didn't say anything in the end and I went home once again. There was never any food in the fridge and on more than one occasion I went to bed hungry."

_Beca laid in bed clutching her stomach, the hunger pains becoming unbearable. She had considered going back downstairs and eating the other half of that cheese slice she had left there but she knew if she ate it, there'd be nothing for her to eat in the morning._

_Pulling herself out of bed, she grabbed the cleanest pair of jeans she could find in the dirty clothes hamper and pulled them over her boney legs. She felt around in the dark for the socks she had thrown aside earlier in the night and when she found them she pulled them on along with her nikes. She walked down the hall towards her mother's room, quietly sneaking inside. Her mother was on the bed, her current "boyfriend" Billie under her, passed out from whatever drug they got their hands on for the night._

_Pulling the neck of her shirt up to cover her nose to avoid the pungent smell of sex in the air, she walked further into the room, stepping over the various bottles and needles on the stained carpeted floor. Reaching out, the moon shining through the window behind the bed as the only source of light, she grabbed her mother's skirt off the floor and searched the pockets for change. Se sighed when she only pulled out her mother's MTA card and two dimes, none of which she could get a decent meal with._

_It had been so long since she had actually eaten with Kelly away on a college campus tour, and she knew she had no choice but to suck up her pride. It was the absolute last thing she wanted to do, but a week without anything aside from the Kraft singles in the fridge and the fruit cups she managed to snag from her classmates, she knew there was only one person she could turn to. _

_So, at 11:30 at night she made her way across town on the 23 bus hoping Julia wouldn't slam the door in her face the moment she saw her. And when the door opened and she saw Julia's face, she thought she'd do just that. Julia didn't say anything when she pulled the door open in just a robe and saw Beca standing there in just jeans and a t-shirt despite it being mid February. _

"_How did you get here?"_

"_I took the bus."_

_Julia sighed, pulling her robe tighter around her body as the bitter winter air surrounded them. "And why did you feel the need to take the bus across town at midnight?"_

_Beca looked at her, no longer bothering to hide the pain in her voice as she stopped, "Because my mom _keeps _drinking and taking her anger out on me. There's no food in the house and I haven't eaten in days besides what Kelly shares with me during lunch. I just—I need you." Her body shook as silent and heavy tears fell down her cheeks. _

_Julia's anger dissolved immediately and she pulled the sobbing girl into her arm. Beca instantly wrapped her arms around her coach and whimpered, "I'm sorry…I won't do it again."_

_Julia bent her knees slightly so that she could look into Beca's eyes as she used the pads of her thumbs to wipe at her tears. "It's ok, sweetheart." She kissed her on the forehead. "I forgive you."_

_Beca took the offered hand and allowed Julia to lead her into the house. _

"_Are you hungry?" she asked as she locked the front door. _

_Beca nodded and Julia took her hand again and led her out of the foyer into the living room. _

"_Ok, well how about you go wash and change into some pajamas and I'll make you something."_

_Beca nodded, the mention of food making her hunger apparent once again. She showered quickly and put on a pair of shorts and a faded YMCA shirt that were in her dresser in the room Julia had given her in her home. The feeling of clean clothes was indescribable in that moment. After towel drying her hair, she braided it into a loose braid and made her way down to the kitchen where a plate of spaghetti sat waiting for her. She wasted no time eating, afraid that it'd disappear if she didn't eat it quickly. After she finished eating in record time with Julia sitting in the seat on the right side of the table, she stood and put the plate in the sink, even taking the time to wash the dish and put it away._

_Figuring Julia was still upset as she still didn't talk to Beca, she walked back into the dining room and past the older woman to go to bed. Hopefully they'd talk in the morning. As she passed Julia, the older woman reached out and grabbed her wrist lightly to stop her from leaving. Beca turned around and saw Julia wipe at a tear that had fallen from her face. _

"_Do you have any idea how much it hurt me to know you felt as if I were keeping you prisoner here? How much it broke my heart to find out you didn't want to be around me anymore?"_

_Beca watched as a steady stream of tears fell from Julia's eyes, the older woman not even bothering to wipe them away. Seeing how hurt she was, Beca couldn't help but hang her head in shame. "I'm sorry…I—I didn't realize just how much you've done—how much I needed you until I didn't have you anymore."_

_Julia sniffed, her nose red from crying, as she sat on the edge of her chair and held both of Beca's hands in hers. "I love you, Rebeca. I love you _**so**_ much and I _**never**_ want to hurt you but you asked me for space and I gave it to you."_

"_I—I know and I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I won't take you for granted anymore."_

_Wiping at her eyes, Julia nodded, smiling softly at the twelve year old. "I've missed you, Blackbird and I've been miserable without you these past two weeks…Will you make it up to me?"_

_Beca looked up from the floor and nodded after sometime, knowing she had no other choice if she didn't want to go home. She had expected to be asked this when she had gotten on the bus earlier. She had even thought Julia would ask first before she fed her. "Wh—what do you want me to do?"_

_Julia pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, her breath hitching slightly as her eyes gazed over the younger girl in front of her. Beca was fully clothed but the way Julia looked at her—she felt completely naked. _

_Julia reached down and loosened the belt of her robe before standing, her nude body peeking out from behind the silk material. Taking Beca's hand, she led her over to the stairs and up to her bedroom as she husked, "oh, I'm sure we'll think of something."_

Beca kicked the locker in front of her in frustration. "She used my situation at home to manipulate me into staying. Fuck me for not seeing it sooner." Her head hung low as she allowed more tears to fall, "I was just so _hungry_ and so _tired_ of my mother's drunken rage that I apologized for things I didn't even feel sorry about. I let her coerce me into 'making it up to her.'"

Aubrey frowned, "She didn't hurt you did she?"

Another tear fell as Beca nodded, "She never said it explicitly but I knew what she wanted. It was what she wanted since the day I figured out that all little girls didn't do the stuff we did…I became her willing lover—well as willing as an 11 year old could be. I absolutely hated myself with every kiss I initiated and every touch I initiated." Digging the palms of her hands into her eyes to push away the tears, she continued with, "the next morning she was wonderful to me as if we hadn't had that disagreement. I woke up to breakfast being cooked for me and she even allowed me to stay home from school. She took me to Michaels and bought me hundred of dollars worth of supplies and when I asked why she said 'because last night was wonderful.' I had to keep myself from vomiting at the perverted smile she gave me…She—she would bite her lip whenever she was turned on, and when she did that in the middle of the store, with her eyes basically undressing me, I wanted to jam one of the paint brushes into her neck. I felt like a whore letting her buy my silence but I had _earned_ every damn thing she bought me even if I paid in my innocence. That night I took all of that paint and I started the Tragic Lives series."

Aubrey scooted over to where be a sat and wrapped her arms around her, holding the brunette until she had calmed down enough to get dressed. When the rest of the team made their way back into the locker room, Aubrey and Beca were both glad no one messed with them or questioned Beca's freak out and it continued on the bus back to the hotel.

_I remember the martyrs in disbelief  
And I remember the look on their face  
I remember all of the filthy waste  
And I remeber what they stole from me_

_I know that I can survive this  
I know that there's a way  
I know that I can survive this  
I see a way_

When they got to their room Beca didn't even bother with her bed after showering and changing into a pair of shorts and a tank top for bed. She immediately walked over to Aubrey's bed where the blonde was on her iMac and climbed in. Aubrey smiled down at the brunette whose arm was wrapped around her waist, waiting for her to fall asleep before she resumed working on her paper.

The irony of working so late at night in such a dark room—the only light coming from her computer screen—as if working on something secretive and shameful wasn't lost on her because although it was secretive, she was certainly shameful of the paper and how she betrayed beca more and more with each word she wrote.

Clicking on the small USB icon, she pulled open the folder that held several jpegs, each holding a picture of Beca's paintings that she had taken snapshots of before joining the brunette in the tub. Just remembering the anguish and sorrow Beca expressed while describing the paintings only increased her guilt tenfold. However, she knew she needed to see this to completion because the sooner she finished the paper and handed it in, the sooner she could forget about it and move on…move on with Beca.

She had already written detailed descriptions of the first four paintings as well as the history behind them as Beca had described them. That left only seven more to write about, excluding the one that hung in Beca's bedroom that she couldn't get a picture of without alerting the brunette to what she was doing.

Painting number four depicted a woman with a briefcase walking down the walkway away from a house. A NYCPS badge was on her blazer. Her briefcase was overfilled with what appeared to be dollar bills and at first Aubrey thought it was pertaining to beca's mother's drug abuse and a social worker coming to take Beca away. However, Aubrey noticed upon further examination that on some of the dollar bills were red fingerprints. Oh how she hated the world sometimes. The fact that Julia was able to pay off a social worker was disheartening. Every course of support and help for Beca failed her one after the other. She didn't blame her for wanting to kill herself back then because as Aubrey learned more and more about Beca's harrowing past she couldn't help but understand why the brunette saw death as the only way out.

The next painting showed a little girl with her back to the viewer. She had black wings that drooped and her legs were shackled to a steel ball with the word 'poverty' etched into it. Beca was such a prodigal painter and there were so many aspect of her artwork that Aubrey missed in her initial viewing—especially this one. It wasn't until she zoomed in closer that she saw the hands of someone holding the girl's legs as if that person were kneeling in front of her and trying to pull her closer. It didn't take a genius to figure out who the woman was and it saddened her to know that Beca was correct in her assertion that they couldn't see what was right in front of them…what she painted and displayed right in front of them.

The sixth canvas was of an older man in a suit and tie sewing the little girl's mouth shut. Who the older man was Aubrey could only guess and she didn't have the heart to ask Beca who he was. She knew how much it physically, mentally, and emotionally pained Beca to speak about her past and she didn't want to be the cause for more unnecessary stress. This same theme was also shown in the eighth painting with a woman standing behind the girl, the woman's face hidden by shadow, as she sewed the little girl's mouth shut. There were lipstick marks on her neck the same shade as that on the older woman's lips.

The painting after that showed a little girl under her bed as if hiding while someone stood in front of the bed, the only part of that mystery person depicted was their legs in high heel stilettos.

Checking to make sure Beca was still asleep she went on to describe the next two paintings, typing as she tried not to think about the little girl in the painting being an artistic representation of the girl in her arms. One of the paintings—the second to last—showed that girl slightly older, maybe a teen, painting what looked like the first painting in the series. In the background was a silhouette of the woman in the door and the girl is painting over her painting with black paint as if to hide her true art.

The final painting was particularly hard to write because it depicted what Aubrey surmised was the cycle of abuse with the little girl trying to protect herself from the older woman with her blanket; next to the bed was a preteen version of the girl and then a teen and finally a young adult. They were each placed in the picture so that it showed a cycle of the little girl aging and eventually becoming the older woman she was once terrified of. Aubrey couldn't even fathom Beca being someone so horrible. She despised Julia and what she had done to her and Aubrey knew she'd rather spend a life in solitude or in the grave before she allowed herself to subject a child to what she had endured.

As Aubrey finished typing the last word she sighed, her head falling back against the headboard in exhaustion. She couldn't do this. She couldn't write this paper, not without the guilt eating away at her.

Tapping the command and 'A' key, she selected the entire document knowing deleting her paper was the right thing to do. But as her finger hovered over the delete key, she hesitated knowing deleting the paper would tank her grade. With a sigh, she closed her laptop and placed it on the side table before laying down and wrapping an arm around Beca.

The brunette instantly tensed but Aubrey didn't let go, instead tightening her hold as she whispered, "It's just me."

Beca instantly relaxed and turned over in her arms so that they were facing each other. "Sing to me," she whispered.

Aubrey looked down at the girl in her arms and sighed, knowing Beca wouldn't ask her to do it if she didn't need it. Beca had long ago trained herself to stop shaking and thrashing in her sleep from nightmares—in what Aubrey assumed was Beca's attempt to not bother her—but Aubrey knew that she had just awaken from one and that's why she wanted to hear her voice.

Pulling Beca closer she began to sing and fill the dark room with a soft melody.

_Today is gonna be the day  
That they're gonna throw it back to you  
By now you should've somehow  
Realized what you gotta do  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do about you now_

Beca would hate her if she knew about her paper, Aubrey knew she would, but in moments like this when Beca was in her arms, her head burrowed in the crook of Aubrey's neck seeking comfort, she felt that there were no problems in the world. No abusers, no thesis papers, nothing. Just the two of them and Aubrey's unrequited love.

_Back beat, the word is on the street  
That the fire in your heart is out  
I'm sure you've heard it all before  
But you never really had a doubt  
I don't believe that anybody feels  
The way I do about you now_

Beca's eyes fluttered open as she listened to Aubrey sing to her and she knew exactly why the blonde had chosen the song. It was the song she would have chosen if in the blonde's position because it conveyed everything the two felt but couldn't share and have because of Beca's damage. God how she wanted to believe Aubrey when she said she'd protect her…that she'd save her.

Aubrey took a deep breath to begin the next verse but Beca's soft tenor interrupted her.

_And all the roads we have to walk are winding  
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding  
There are many things that I would  
Like to say to you  
But I don't know how_

_Because maybe  
You're gonna be the one that saves me  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall_

Aubrey listened to Beca trail off and rest her head back on her chest before her breathing evened out again. Listening to the steady breath of the woman she had fallen in love with harder than she had ever loved anyone before, she vowed that she would talk to professor Callaghan the moment they made it back to campus. She refused to hurt Beca. And now that she heard Beca admit that maybe her love wasn't as unrequited as she thought she wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize the small bit of affection Beca had afforded her because she still refused to give up on their relationship and what they could have in the future. Beca might have thought she was too damaged to be loved but this intense fire inside of Aubrey that burned for the brunette proved otherwise. Oh how it proved otherwise.

_Release me from these memories  
And show me a way to be free  
Release me from these chains  
And show me a way for me to start again and turn this all around_

_I remember the looks on their face  
And I remember the filthy waste  
And I remember what they did to me  
They took my innocence_

_Release me from these memories  
And show me a way to be free  
Release me from these chains  
And show me a way for me to start again and turn this all  
To start again and turn this all around._


	25. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

_Dear Aubrey, _

_I finished your portrait and I stared at it for several minutes. I could have left it in my room to dry while I went out and did whatever but staring at it—staring at you—it was almost as if I were captivated and unable to take my eyes of you. I seem to do that a lot—stare at you that is. The more I stare, the more I realize that I could develop romantic feelings for you—if I haven't already. I just…I'm so fucking scared—terrified even—that this isn't real. I felt this way about someone before—Kelly—and that was ripped from me. I just don't want to put myself out there—go out on a limb and feel something for you if it will all be snatched from me. I don't think I would be able to handle falling in love with you only to discover that this was all too good to be true. It might just kill me._

Beca chuckled as she listened to Howard Stark argue with a listener on his radio show, 109.3 Classic Rock Radio, about the city putting up a Christmas tree on main street but neglecting to also put up anything to celebrate Hanukkah. It was ashamedly bordering on anti-Semitic but Stark called the listener that phoned in a 'swollen cabbage' and that was the most ridiculous but simultaneously hilarious insult she had ever heard.

She dabbed her fan brush in the hunter green acrylic on the pallet in her hand before bringing the brush to the canvas situated on the easel in front of her. It was Wednesday, Christmas Eve, and Beca found herself more relaxed than she had been since they returned from New York. She had stressed over the whole Julia ordeal and then the two games they had when they returned—both of which they won but not without hard work. So, it wasn't an exaggeration when Beca said this was her first chance to unwind and relax.

"_**Alright, I'm not gonna let this bastard ruin my holiday or that of my loyal listeners."**_ Stark said, cutting off the caller on the phone. _**"We're taking requests for all those out there wanting to hear that one special song before ole Santa Claus comes creeping down their chimney. Just call in at 1888-Stark-93."**_

Beca tapped the wooden end of her paint brush against her chin as she thought about whether or not to call in. it was unlikely that Aubrey was listening but if by some small fraction of a chance that she was, Beca wanted to call in and surprise her with a substitute Christmas gift since she wouldn't be able to give her the real one until the New Year. Grabbing her cellphone out of her jean pocket, she dialed the number, placing her cell phone to her ear holding it in place with her shoulder while she resumed painting.

"_**Hey Caller, this is the Howard Stark show. Is there a song out there you're in the mood for?"**_

Beca smiled softly, "Actually there is."

_I used to cry myself to sleep at night  
But that was all before she came  
I thought love had to hurt to turn out right  
But now she's here and it's not the same, just not the same_

_She fills me up, she gives me love  
More love than I've ever seen  
She's all I got, she's all I got in this world  
But she's all the woman I need, I need, I, I needed_

"I'm going to the airport." Aubrey said as she got inside the taxi cab, closing the door swiftly behind her. Her flight was at eight o'clock and she had planned to leave at five to beat the traffic but she had to meet with Professor Callaghan who had come back to campus. She had emailed him and he told her he'd be back on campus before the holidays to pick up his briefcase he'd left behind. She was desperate to talk to him about her paper and starting over. She knew she couldn't betray Beca by studying and writing about her as if she were some class experiment or lab rat. She was a human being with real emotions and feelings—both of which she entrusted with Aubrey.

Looking at the textbook in her hand, she sighed remembering the conversation she had with her professor that morning.

"_Aubrey." Professor Callaghan said, smirking at the sight of his student in his office after winter break had official begun. _

"_Yes, good morning professor. I just wanted to catch you before you returned home for the holiday."_

_The older man chuckled as he stood up straight from where he had been hunched over a filing cabinet. "Well Miss Posen, I must say I've never had a student so dedicated to the field of psychology that they're willing to forgo winter break in order to meet with me about an assignment."_

_Aubrey chuckled nervously, not sure if coming to meet with him was such a good idea after all. What if he took her request for an extension as an insult to the exception he had made for her previously when he changed her topic?_

"_That's what I need to talk to you about." she said, uncharacteristically fumbling with her hands. _

"_Is there something wrong with this topic, too?" he joked lightly._

"_No there's nothing wrong with this topic. I was able to find a living, breathing source and everything but I just…_

"_You just what Aubrey? I made an exception by reassigning your topic and I'm not going to do it again."_

"_I know, Dr. Callaghan, but I can't hand in this paper. When I started I didn't think I would uncover all that I have and you taught us as a psychologist our priority should lie in not bringing harm to those we study. I _**know**_ it would kill Be—my subject if she found out I wrote about her. I'm not asking for a new topic but just an extension."_

_Dr. Callaghan sighed, his arms crossing in front of him as he stared down at his student. "Aubrey, the deadline is March 5 and I've budged on the topic but I cannot do the same for the deadline."_

_Aubrey gave a defeated sigh. "What happens if I don't hand in the paper by then?"_

"_Well you've read the syllabus Aubrey. It's 70% of your grade and without it you fail. I know you don't want to hurt your subject but my hands are tied. The thesis committee convenes one week after the deadline."_

"_Professor, there has to be something I can do."_

_Dr. Callaghan sighed, hearing the desperate plea of his student. "If you hand in the paper but don't present to the committee I can petition to see if I can be the sole grade that determines if it's accepted as completed but you must know it might not work and you might not pass my class as a result. This is a required class, as you know, for your major which means—"_

"_I won't be eligible for graduation in May." She finished with a frown. _

"_Aubrey, I understand the dilemma you're in and if it were up to me I would give you the extension."_

"_But your hands are tied. I know." She sighed. _

"_Take the break to think about it Aubrey and let me know what you're plans are."_

_Aubrey nodded and walked out of the classroom. Her phone chimed and she saw a text from Beca pop up on her screen wishing her a safe flight and it made her feel all the more stressed. She could choose to not hand in the paper but that would mean not graduating on time. She normally wouldn't mind doing the extra semester but she knew it would mess up all of the acceptances she had gained for grad school. She doubted any of the PhD programs she was accepted into would be willing to hold off her funding for six months especially the very competitive programs like the ones at Stanford and Yale. She had winter break to think about it but she knew the decision then wouldn't be any easier than it is now. She was basically being forced between doing what's best for herself and what's best for Beca. She loved the brunette so much and it terrified her that when it came down to it, she might not choose herself. _

She pulled out the abstract of her paper from inside of her textbook and sighed. Her mind immediately was drawn to the small brunette she left behind on campus. She wanted nothing more than to spend Christmas with the brunette but her mother insisted she come home, refusing to allow her to miss another holiday. With a regretful sigh, she sat back in her seat and tried to enjoy the Christmas songs being played on the radio as the cab pulled onto the interstate and was met with traffic.

"_**Alright, you're on the air caller. What's your name?"**_

"_**Uh, Beca."**_

Aubrey's eyes shot up at the sound of Beca's voice spilling from the old car speakers around her. She immediately scooted forward in her seat so that she could speak through the partition, "Can you turn up the radio?"

The driver, an elderly African American man, smiled at her through his rearview mirror and nodded as he fulfilled her request. "Will do, little lady."

She sat back in her seat as she listened to Beca tell Howard Stark what she wanted to hear and when she heard Beca request "Christmas is a Feeling in Your Heart" by Andy Williams Aubrey couldn't help the beaming smile that came to her face.

"_**Andy Williams. That's an oldie but goody. My pop loved Williams and lucky for you I happen to keep some of his classics on hand. Are you dedicating this tune to anyone special?"**_

Aubrey's heart skipped at Beca's chuckle and she listened to the brunette say yes.

"_**Yeah, I am. I don't know if she's listening but if by some chance she is, I just want to say…you're going home to spend the holidays in a place you feel like you don't belong…and my home…well, it's never been very welcoming but I just want to say you'll always have a home with me. Always. Merry Christmas Aubrey."**_

The song began to play and Aubrey knew Beca had come to mean more to her in these past few weeks then she had ever thought possible. Beca had remembered something she had told her weeks ago, something that was told offhandedly and a fact she didn't think the brunette would ever remember. But she did and it confirmed once again why Aubrey loved her—why she was _in love_ with her.

The driver caught her eye in the mirror and offered a friendly smile. "I love this song. It was the first song I danced to with the woman that eventually became my wife. We were out at the park on the lake skating on the ice and I proposed right there with snow coming down all around us."

Aubrey nodded. "It is a great song."

"Yes it is. That Aubrey is one lucky gal."

Aubrey wiped at a tear of happiness that fell from her eyes as she looked out the window and smiled thinking about the small brunette. "Yes she is."

Reaching into her bag she grabbed her cellphone to check the time. She had only been in traffic for fifteen minutes. Looking back at the driver she asked, "Hey, is it too late to change destinations?"

_And in the morning when I kiss her eyes  
She takes me down and she rocks me slow, yeah  
And in the evening when the moon is high  
She holds me close and she won't let go, she won't let go_

_She fills me up, she gives me love  
More love than I've ever seen  
She's all I got, she's all I got in this world  
But she's all the woman that I need, yeah yeah, my need_

Beca sat her remote down on her coffee table as she waited for Mean Girls to load on Netflix. She had brought one of those ridiculously large bags of Captain Crunch from Walmart for about seven dollars and she couldn't wait to tear it open and have a bowl. She stood up and turned to walk to the kitchen when the chiming of her doorbell stopped her. Glancing over at the clock on her wall she frowned. It was a little after nine and she wasn't expecting anyone so who could possibly be at her front door.

With a tentative step towards her door, she opened it and was shocked to find Aubrey standing there holding a plastic bag with a familiar red bell on it.

"Do you have any idea how _hard_ it is to find an open taco bell on Christmas Eve?"

Beca couldn't hide the surprise still on her face as she felt the corners of her mouth twitch with a smile. "What—what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on a plane thousands of feet in the air?"

Aubrey shook her head, "You were right…I want to spend my holiday at home…with someone that doesn't make me feel like an outsider."

Beca's heart skipped at the senior's words. She stood back, flattening her back against the door and sweeping her arm to signal Aubrey to come inside.

They made their way over to the couch and took a seat, Aubrey placing the bag of fast food on the coffee table as Beca hit play on the remote.

"What are you watching?" she asked.

Beca reached forward and began to pull wrapped tacos from the bag. "Mean Girls. It seems some asshole thought it was wise to remove the Power Puff Girls Christmas movie from instant streaming on Netflix." She grumbled, her groan turning into a moan of satisfaction as she bit into the taco in her hand. "Oh, god this is heaven."

The two sat in the semi-lit room and watched as Lindsey Lohan tried to navigate her way through high school.

"Oh, this is my favorite part!" Beca exclaimed as she dropped her food onto the table and jumped up onto the couch. "All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on me! From my grades, to my lines you can't touch Kevin G! I'm a mathlete, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred - I'm Kevin Gnapoor! The G's silent when I sneak through your door."

Aubrey burst into laughter, tears, streaming from her eyes, as she watched Beca rap along to the movie, pretending to smack some imaginary girl's butt as she finished off the song.

"And make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy, you'll know it was me. Cause the next time you see her she'll be like, OOH! KEVIN G!"

Beca collapsed down on the couch with a smug look of satisfaction on her face and Aubrey continued to laugh.

"I can't believe you know that."

"This is the movie of our generation, I'm surprised you _don't_ know it." Beca retorted as she picked up her taco and the two resumed eating and watching the movie.

Aubrey placed a hand in front of her mouth to cover the mushed American imitation of Mexican food as she looked at Beca. "I totally bet Janice and Regina had a thing in middle school."

Beca looked at her with an amused smirk. "What makes you say that?"

"All of that tension. Regina is way too obsessed with thinking Janice was a lesbian and had some huge crush on her."

"Well if that's the case then Cady and Ms. Norbury definitely had a thing too. That's like the epitome of sexual tension."

Both girls looked at each other before bursting into laughter.

As the movie reached its final half, the two sat back on the couch, Taco Bell eaten, to enjoy each other's presence and ring in Christmas day together. Beca looked down at Aubrey whose head was resting on her shoulder and she wrapped her arm around the blonde drawing her closer. "I'm glad you're here." She whispered.

Aubrey looked up at her and smiled, "Me too."

_Yeah yeah and I, and I, and I want the world to know  
She fills me up, she gives me love  
Bringing me more love than I've ever seen  
She's all I've got, she's all I've got in the whole world  
But she's all the woman that I need  
_

Beca gathered up all of the trash from their food and took it into the kitchen while Aubrey answered her cellphone.

"Hello?" She said into the phone.

"_**Aubrey, dear, your father and I are at the airport. We saw your flight come in but we don't see you. Did you take a later flight?"**_

Aubrey sighed, glancing back towards the kitchen to make sure Beca hadn't come back into the living room before saying "No." Scooting forward on the couch, she placed the water bottle in her hand on the coffee table. "I'm not coming home."

"_**Why not, dear? We didn't mind you spending thanksgiving on campus so that you could work on your assignment but this is Christmas."**_

Aubrey wiped at a lone tear that fell from her eyes. Hearing her mother's words—words with which she tried to convince her daughter that she was wanted at home—only further saddened her because she knew they weren't true. Her brothers might have wanted her home and her mother _might_ have wanted her there as well but she knew they—like her father—wouldn't really miss her presence if she didn't go home. The only two people that ever made her feel welcome were Wesley and Edward but Wesley was in New York and Wesley had called her earlier in the week to tell her he wasn't granted leave and would miss Christmas. She tried to keep the emotion out of her voice as she said, "I don't want to spend the holidays in a house where my father is constantly belittling me."

"_**Aubrey**_**—"**

"No! Let me finish. I want to believe so much that this Christmas will be different than the others. I wish Wesley would come home and you would stand up to Father just once and tell him that he _is _my father regardless of DNA. He's the man that raised me and genetics shouldn't matter. _He_ held me as a baby, not some other man."

A sigh could be heard on the other end. _"__**Dear, I don't think it's wise to bring up past history. It's the holiday. The one time we manage to get you all home and I don't want to ruin it with your dramatics."**_

"I'm not being dramatic!" She cried out into her phone. Why couldn't her mother understand? Why couldn't she see just how much she was hurting her? With a soft sob she placed her phone back to her ear. "I want to come home, mother. I really do but I can't. Not when he treats me the way he does. I wish I could sit down at the table and share all of my news like RJ and Louis and have dad take me seriously. I see the way he lights up when Edward tells him about all the medals and honors he receives. Why can't he do that for me? I remember seeing the difference in his signature on the cards you gave me for my birthday and the ones on Wesley's and Chris's and Charles. How the A was always slightly curved in Richard in the same way it was curved in your name. So no mom, I don't want to go home."

There was a long moment of silence with neither Posen speaking to the other. Finally Mrs. Posen spoke up and said,_** "Your father will be disappointed."**_

Aubrey wiped at her eyes for the umpteenth time as she solemnly whispered, "No he won't, and that's what hurts the most," before she tapped the red circle on her phone screen to end the call.

Her head immediately dropped to her hands as she resumed crying. It wasn't until a few moments later when she felt a dip in the couch that she remembered where she was and that she wasn't alone in the apartment. She looked up to try and explain away why she was so upset but stopped when Beca placed a wrapped present on the coffee table in front of her.

Looking immediately at the brunette, she gave her a questioning look and Beca simply shrugged.

"Merry Christmas, Aubrey."

Aubrey looked at the present in front of her before tentatively reaching out to pick it up. Making her way through the red wrapping paper she gasped at the canvas they lay underneath. It was the portrait of herself that she had asked Beca to paint of her months ago. She didn't think the brunette had actually completed it. What surprised her was the fact that it wasn't the picture Beca had taken of her that night when she was sitting on her bed. Instead it showed her sitting on what Aubrey recognized was the bench in the Quad as she smiled radiantly at the camera. She remembered Beca snapping the picture on her phone but she had never thought to question why.

She immediately reached forward and wrapped her arms around Beca, pulling the brunette into a tight embrace as she thanked her. Beca sighed in content as she relaxed in the blonde's arms and returned the embrace.

After a few moment Aubrey pulled back and got up to grab her bag that she left by the door. She reached inside and pulled out a colorfully wrapped gift and handed it to Beca. Beca smirked at the SpongeBob characters on the wrapping paper, taking care not to destroy it too much as she opened the gift.

When she finally got it open her heart skipped at the sight of the figurine inside a glass casing. It was Bubbles figuring needed to complete her collection. She couldn't even fathom how much it must have cost Aubrey to get this.

"I—I don't know what to say." She breathed out as she continued to look at the glass figure in her hand. "I can't even express how happy I am."

Aubrey smiled softly. "You don't have to say anything. I'm just glad that you can complete your collection."

Beca sighed and realized she didn't care anymore about her fear. She was tired of letting _Her_ dictate her present and future life. She wanted Aubrey. She wanted to be with her and she was going to muster up her Gryffindor courage (well that's where Pottermore sorted her, although she thought she was mort suited for Hufflepuff) and tell Aubrey how she truly felt.

"Bree, I like you. I like you so much." She began, her eyes finally meeting Aubrey's. "But at the same time it's confusing as fuck because I've _never_ felt like this—never been _allowed_ to feel like this. And I...I don't know if it's genuine or if it's some sick fucked up infatuation because you didn't bolt the first time I told you about what happened to me." She wiped at her eyes, frustrated that she had begun to cry before looking back at Aubrey with a soft smile. "Julia's the only woman I have ever been intimate with and it terrifies me that I won't know how to make you happy…but I hope that one day, maybe, I can be in a place to have a true relationship with you. I want to get better for _you_."

Aubrey reached out and grabbed Beca's hand as she shook her head. "I didn't enter this or get close to you hoping to 'fix' you for my own selfish desires. Do I care about you? Yes I do. More than you realize and yes I want you to get better but I want you to get better for _you_. And you should want that for yourself as well. I know it's scary, Beca but the best things in life never come easy. I'm not asking for you to jump into a relationship with me, but I am asking you to just trust that I won't ever intentionally hurt you."

She could feel Beca's hand move in her own and she feared that the brunette meant to pull away. However when she felt Beca's hand turn so that their palms were together and the brunette laced their fingers she couldn't help but smile. She leaned over and kissed Beca on the cheek but before she could make contact Beca turned her head slightly so that her lips met the brunette's instead.

A long deep breath left Aubrey as Beca kissed her, not feeling the fear she felt the last time they kissed. After a bit of hesitance, not sure if Beca was ready for her to deepen the kiss, she soon felt Beca's tongue slide briefly between her parted lips giving her the chance to deepen the kiss. After a few minutes, the two pulled back when the need for air became dire.

Beca reached up and traced her thumb over Aubrey's lower lip before coming to rest on her jaw. "Merry Christmas, Bree."

Aubrey looked down at their joined hands before looking back at Beca with a warm smile.

"Merry Christmas, Beca."

_She fills me up, she's the woman I love, woman I love, woman I love  
And I've never, never seen, no way  
True Lord, in this world  
But she's all the woman that I need  
_


	26. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

**The Only Exception**

Dear beca,

_I think Aubrey is in love with you. It was late last night when she said it. You had just gotten off the phone with Chloe and you could see the sun beginning to peak out over the horizon from the window. You thought she was asleep when she spoke to you. Her arm was draped around your waist and when you looked down at her the blues eyes you adored were hidden behind her eyelids. With the window open the room was chilly so you welcomed the warm weight she provided. _

_You thought she was asleep but you heard her sleepy mumble nonetheless. Words only Julia ever said to you. _

_I love you beca. _

_I know you aren't sure if she meant it or if it was none sense spoken in slumber. Or if there's some timer somewhere counting down the seconds until you are expected to say it in return. I know you felt the swelling in your heart at her words—a void that had forever been empty was beginning to fill up and I know you love that feeling even if you don't love Aubrey. Not yet anyway. I know that when she tightened her grip around your waist and mumbled those four words you wanted to kiss her until you couldn't breathe. You wanted to show her just how much you cared for her even though the feeling in your heart couldn't be labeled love. But I know it was a bad time. She was after all, asleep. _

Three Months Later

"Defense, it's your witness."

Aubrey watched as her brother William, stood up and made his way from around the wooden table he'd been seated at.

"Thank you, your honor." He said, adjusting one of the button on his suit jacket. "Miss Beale, I know this is the last thing you wanted to be doing today. Barden has let out for spring break correct?"

Chloe nodded. Aubrey could see how much the day's events were weighing down on her usually gleeful best friend. The redhead had spent the past week back home in Raleigh, wanting to capitalize on what could possibly be her last days with her son. The night before, Chloe had called Aubrey and she and Beca were up to the early morning consoling Chloe as she cried about possibly losing custody of Noah. Long after Aubrey had dozed off in Beca's arms the brunette continued to listen. Beca wanted to support her in court but she had a doctor's appointment with her physician regarding the damage she did to her body with her drinking. Despite how adamant she was to reschedule, Aubrey wouldn't allow it. The two had grown closer—if that was even possible considering how close they were before—in the past three months after Beca stopped fighting her attraction to the senior. They hadn't gone past kissing but Aubrey knew that was a huge step for the brunette. And although after some of their heavier make out sessions she was left hot and bothered she would never pressure Beca for more. With everything she knew about Beca's past in regard to sex, Aubrey didn't expect their relationship to broach sexual intimacy for another few years and she was prepared to wait.

In the meantime Aubrey all but moved into Beca's apartment. They never officially made the commitment but Aubrey spent so much time there she might as well live there. Aubrey did all she could to help beca deal with the past that was haunting her but Aubrey could't talk Beca into seeing a therapist. She did, however, manage to get her to apply for and undergo an evaluation to receive a psychiatric service dog. Three weeks later Beca brought home a dapple dachshund named Biscuit.

William smiled at Chloe and said he'd try to make this process as quick as possible so that she could get back to her vacation.

Chloe nodded and said "I just want to be able to take my baby home. Nothing is as important as that to me right now."

"Ok. Chloe can you tell me what happened the night of September 3rd, 2011?"

Dominic's parent's, Mariah and John Miller, sat next to their lawyer as the young attorney stood up and shouted "objection!"

William turned towards the judge presiding over the court, Kim Greylek, and gestured to the Miller's attorney. "Mr. Daughtry opened this line of questioning when he suggested Ms. Beale should have sought an abortion if the sex wasn't consensual."

Greylek looked at Mr. Daughtry and nodded. "He's right Garret. Objection overruled."

William gave a nod of gratitude to the judge before returning his focus to Chloe. "Can you tell me what happened on the day in question?"

Aubrey watched Chloe visibly tense up before clearing her throat to answer the question."

"September 3rd was…" she adjusted her position on the uncomfortable wooden chair before continuing. "September 3rd was the day I was kidnapped by my ex-boyfriend, Dominic Miller."

_When I was younger I saw my daddy cry  
And curse at the wind.  
He broke his own heart and I watched  
As he tried to reassemble it._

_And my momma swore  
That she would never let herself forget.  
And that was the day that I promised  
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist._

Sweat poured down her face, drenching her in a musky sheen as Beca laid trapped in the claws of another memory. A memory cloaked in the guise of a nightmare feeding off of her sanity while she slept.

_Beca allowed herself to be led over to the bed by Julia as the older woman whispered soothingly in her ear. "Don't worry, honey. I'll be here the entire time."_

_Beca nodded and sat down on the bed when she felt it in front of her. With the purple handkerchief tied securely around her eyes her senses were heightened and she was terribly curious about Julia's surprise visitor who wanted to join in on their 'special time'. The ten year old didn't quite understand how this mystery person would be able to in on their games because it seemed they were made for two people, kinda like when she used to play hand games with her neighbor Cady, and her baby sister, Lucy, wanted to join. How could the mystery person join in on their two player game? Would she lay on top of Beca as the ten year old laid on top of Julia?_

_She didn't get the chance to question it before another pair of hands were ghosting over her t-shirt covered stomach. Beca was wearing a new shirt. It was a green tank top with the Wild Thornberrys on it. Julia had bought it for her earlier that day before she took her to a movie and lunch and told her about the guest that would be visiting. The same guest currently removing her shirt. Julia's hands remained at her back, rubbing comforting circles. Beca tried to focus on Julia's hands and the raised skin on the scar at the center of her right palm—from where she'd fallen on glass a kid—to keep her mind off of the mystery person unbuttoning her shorts. A soft kiss was placed at her neck and hair much thicker than Julia's thin tresses tickled her face, enveloping her in the smell of that purple car freshener that used to hang from the rearview mirror of her mother's car before it was stolen._

_Beca didn't understand why this woman—she guessed it was a woman—was here. Why did she want to play with Beca? It was all so confusing. Julia told her she was a special girl and that's why Julia wanted to play with her. If she was so special, then why did Julia want to share her? She feared that maybe Julia didn't want her anymore and that's what this was about. Julia was letting the woman take her for a test run before she gave her away and the thought—the mere _**thought**_—of being discarded by the _**one**_ woman she trusted was enough to make her cry._

_Why couldn't she take off this itchy bandana? She tensed at the feeling of a wet tongue running up the inside of her thigh and she tried to ignore it. Ignore just how _**wrong**_ it felt. It felt wrong when Julia did but Julia saved her from her mother so Beca didn't mind doing it for her. This woman hadn't done anything for her. What gave her the right to take something she only gave to Julia?_

_Julia continued to rub soothing circles on her back and shoulders as she was violated by foreign hands. A forceful finger pushed inside of her and she gasped at the sudden intrusion but her whimper was swallowed by unfamiliar lips covering her own. Julia's lips were on her ear whispering, "Relax Blackbird."_

_Blackbirds. _

_Ravens._

_Crows._

_She once read that a group of crows was called a 'murder' and a bunch of ravens were called a 'conspiracy' all of which sounded frightening and intimidation. And later that night when she tried to pull the blindfold from her eyes and begged Julia to tell her why she couldn't stop playing—why she couldn't get away from the fingers tirelessly pushing in, pulling out, pushing in, pulling out—she didn't feel too intimidating. She didn't feel tough. She felt intimidated and weak. Helpless in Julia's arms as the older woman held her hands and body in place. Beca whimpered as Julia cooed, "Just focus on my voice Blackbird and it'll be over before you know it."_

_Beca rested her head against the bosom in front of her dejectedly waiting for that familiar coil in her stomach to finally ebb away so that this could end. So that the mystery woman would go away. So that the suffocating smell of lavender would dissipate. She was supposed to be Julia's special girl…her Blackbird. Julia said it was a game. It was going to be fun. But with her eyes clenched shut and that familiar tension in her stomach erupting violently she didn't feel special. She didn't even feel ordinary. She felt filthy. _

_This wasn't fun. And Beca realized in her newly opened mind that This. Wasn't. A. Game._

Beca sat up abruptly in bed, panic coursing through her veins and clouding her vision. Her arms flailed wildly fighting the visions in her mind and playing out before her eyes. The feeling of a wet nose against her arm quickly pulled her back to earth and she grabbed Biscuit and pulled him to her as she tried to calm down. The dachshund curled into her arms and allowed Beca to course her fingers through his fur until she was calm enough to realize everything she saw wasn't real. That it was all a sick nightmare that bled out into reality.

She absolutely hated going to sleep because it seemed that without alcohol, most of what she'd blocked out from those years was finally coming out of the dark recesses of her mind where she'd buried them. She hadn't been able to recall anything about that night except the mystery woman's perfume in years ever since she learned how to detach herself from what was happening to her. That was the first night she'd ever done it. While Julia held her and the other woman touched her Beca's mind wasn't on the violating tongue between her legs but instead on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. She and Julia had seen it earlier that day. It was much easier to focus on Harry potter and Hermione using a time turner to save Buckbeat then on how the one person she trusted was allowing a stranger to violate her. After that day, separating herself from Julia's 'games' became easier and soon enough she could detach at will. It was almost as if Julia wasn't touching her but some soulless shell that she left behind on her mental retreat to safety.

Scratching behind the furry ears below her, Beca kissed the top of Biscuit's head and said "C'mon boy. Let's get you fed so I can get to my doctor's appointment." She stood up and Biscuit jumped from the bed trotting behind her as she made her way into the kitchen. Filling up the green bowl by the table, she called to Biscuit. The dachshund enthusiastically ran over and immediately began to eat.

"Slow down there bud, it's not gonna disappear." She chuckled as she walked over to the fridge to find something for herself to eat.

Pulling open the door she reached out and grabbed the Tupperware on the middle shelf with a white post-it taped to the side that said 'EAT!'

She opened the bowl and smiled at the sight of blueberry oatmeal waffles. The idea that Aubrey went out of her way to make her breakfast despite having to be at the courthouse early with Chloe warmed her heart. Aubrey was turning everything she had ever thought she knew about matters of the heart on its head and despite how much it used to frighten her—caring about someone as much as she cared about Aubrey—she found she welcomed the feeling. It wasn't love but if falling in love with Aubrey _was_ in her future, Beca was shocked to find she was looking forward to the leap.

_But darling,  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.  
_

Aubrey watched as Chloe accepted the embroidered handkerchief William handed to her and used it to wipe her eyes.

"Take your time Chloe and when you're ready, tell us what happened next."

Chloe took a deep breath and continued telling of the harrowing experience she suffered at the hands of a man she once loved. "I—I waited for him to come back and after a couple of days I was afraid he wasn't. I don't know how long it was until he came back because the hunger distracted me from keeping track of sunrise and sunset. When I finally saw him again he told me he'd feed me if I stopped being 'a bad girl'."

"Did Mr. Miller use food to coerce you into sex?"

Mr. Daughtry stood up and called "Objection. Leading."

William placed a hand up indicating to the judge that he'd rephrase his question. "Chloe did you willingly have sex wit Mr. Miller?"

"No! I—I wasn't eating so I was very weak, not to mention he tied me to the bed. I couldn't fight him…no matter how much I tried." She said, her voice cracking with emotion.

Aubrey noticed that during her best friend's retelling of her two weeks in captivity that she began to adopt that far away look in her eyes and airy distance in her voice—both of which she'd only seen in one person. Beca.

It was startling to see Chloe try to hold on as she answered William's question despite how obvious it was that it pained Chloe to do so.

"Chloe, after you found out you were pregnant why didn't you seek out alternative options such as an abortion or adoption after Noah was born like Mr. Daughtry suggested?"

"Because despite how much I _hate_ Dominic for what he did to me, it wasn't my baby's fault…I know that in the beginning I wasn't the best mother…"

"Can you elaborate?" William asked and Aubrey sighed. She understood that William was only asking so that the Miller's lawyer didn't have the chance to use it against Chloe later but she knew Chloe _hated_ talking about the first six months of Noah's life.

The redhead fumbled with the handkerchief in her hand as she said softly that she suffered postpartum depression after Noah was born.

"I admit that for the first few months I didn't even want to look at Noah, nonetheless hold him but with everything I dealt with and how _violently_ he was conceived, can you blame me." She wiped at her eyes and finally looked up at William. "I just…I didn't want to be that way but I couldn't help it."

"But you got help, yes?"

Chloe nodded. "I remember being in my room and I heard Noah cry. His crib was in my parent's room because they didn't quite trust me around him. I went into the room and I saw my baby crying to be held and for the first time I _wanted_ to comfort him. The next day I scheduled an appointment with my doctor." She turned to look at Judge Greylek. "I love Noah. He is my entire world and when I look at him, I don't see Dominic nor am I reminded of what happened. I see a little boy who loves me unconditionally and I love him just the same. After I got help for my depression Noah took to me emotionally right away as if I hadn't been absent for the first months of his life. He gave me a second chance to be the mother he needed and I'm asking that you give me that same chance."

The trial wrapped up not long after that and Chloe was told she could step down.

Judge Greylek looked at the two attorneys and said, "I'm calling a 25 minute recess while I look at all that has been presented before me and make a decision."

Aubrey stood up when the judge banged her gavel and waited for Chloe to walk past the wooden barrier that separated the lawyers from the spectators. When Chloe reached her, she immediately ushered her best friend out of the courtroom and into the hallway.

"Are you ok Chloe?"

The redhead nodded but didn't speak, instead she wrapped her arms around herself and sat down on one of the wooden benches against the wall.

Aubrey took a seat next to her, placing a concerned hand on her friend's thigh. "Chloe please talk to me."

"I don't have anything to say. I went in there and looked like a crazy person."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't mean to do it. I just…whenever I talk or think about what happened it's like I'm having an out of body experience. My therapist says it's dissociation and that I may never be able to stop doing it because of what I went through. What if they use that against me to take Noah?"

Aubrey immediately took the crying girl into her arms and rubbed soothing circles on her back. If she wasn't sure now, this confirmed it.

The door to the courtroom opened twenty minutes later and the bailiff came out to inform them that the judge made a decision. The two women stood and made their way back into the court room, Aubrey taking her seat one of the wooden benches while Chloe sat next to William.

Aubrey watched as Chloe and William stood when the judge reentered.

Judge Greylek waited until everyone was seated before beginning. "Now I've reviewed the facts of this case as well as the criminal case against Mr. Miller. It is a tragedy when something as beautiful as a child is conceived through such a terribly heinous and violent crime. It is obvious that both parties care about the child but the law is very clear in cases like this. Mr. and Mrs. Miller, your son—the father of the child in question—was convicted of the rape and attempted murder of Ms. Beale. Therefore his rights, and yours, were terminated indefinitely. It is up to the mother of the child whether or not she wants to allow you to see her son anyway but legally, you have no right to him. Thus my decision is that full parental custody remains with Mrs. Beale." She banged her gavel and stood as court was dismissed.

Aubrey sighed visibly at the judge's words and smiled when she saw Chloe hug William gratefully.

Chloe immediately walked from around the table and hugged Aubrey thanking her for helping. Aubrey wrapped her arms around her and said, "Always, Chloe."

The two separated at the sound of a high pitched "Mommy" behind them. Chloe turned and crouched down to catch the four year old running towards her.

Noah wrapped his small arms around his mother as far as they would go as Chloe told him that she loved him.

"I love you sweetie. I love you so much and I'm never gonna let you go."

"Do you promise mommy? Forever and ever?"

"Forever and ever."

_Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul  
That love never lasts.  
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone.  
Or keep a straight face._

_And I've always lived like this  
Keeping a comfortable distance.  
And up until now I have sworn to myself  
That I'm content with loneliness._

_Because none of it was ever worth the risk_.

Beca walked into the small diner and looked around smiling brightly when she spotted Aubrey, Chloe, and Noah situated in a booth towards the back of the diner. She quickly made her way over and slid into her seat next to Aubrey.

"Hey guys." She said, pulling her phone out of her back pocket and putting it in her jacket so that she could sit comfortably. "And who's this little guy?" she asked looking at the little boy with a mop of red hair and identical blue eyes to his mother.

Chloe smiled, "This is Noah." She looked down at Noah and said, "Say hello to Beca, honey. She's mommy and Aunt Aubrey's friend."

Noah waved, "Are you Aunt Aubrey's girlfriend?"

Aubrey's eyes widened in shock as she looked at the four year old and stumbled for an answer. Beca grabbed her hand to calm her down as she answered in the senior's stead. "Yeah little guy, she is."

Noah's smiled brightened, "So does that mean you're my aunty too?"

Beca leaned forward and grinned "If you want me to be, champ."

Noah nodded enthusiastically and Aubrey and Chloe watched fondly as the two interacted.

Beca sat back in her seat and looked at Chloe. "Bree, texted me as soon as the judge's decision came in. I'm really happy for you."

Chloe smiled brightly and glanced at her son before looking at Beca and thanking her. "I'm just glad the judge believed me."

Beca shrugged as she picked up her menu. "And if she didn't, Lily mentioned something about custodial kidnapping."

Chloe and Aubrey laughed out loud and Chloe said she was glad Lily would be willing to do illegal things to ensure the Millers didn't win. The waiter, a tall German—if his accent was any indication—by the name of Pieter came and took their orders. Neither Aubrey nor Beca failed to notice the obvious flirting going on between their friend and the waiter. When Pieter walked away, Beca's eyebrows raised in amusement. "Someone has a crush?"

Chloe rolled her eyes. "You don't know what you're talking about."

Aubrey looked at her girlfriend before looking back at her best friend. "Are you sure because it seems someone has a thing for ole Hasselhoff over there."

"Hasselhoff isn't German." Chloe said, sticking her tongue out at her friend's playfully.

"Don't change the subject." Beca chimed in.

"Yeah he's cute and charming but the only man in my life right now is Noah. He has my undivided attention from now on." She said, leaning over to kiss her son on the forehead. "Plus, if anyone has had a romantic status change, it's you two. When did this happen?"

The two looked at each other, their hands instinctively lacing together under the table. "It's fairly new." Aubrey said.

Chloe squealed with glee. "I'm so happy for you two. I thought Bree had sworn off relationship after Charlie, and Beca, I thought you hated intimacy of any kind."

Beca squeezed Aubrey's hand under the table as a small smiled tugged at her lips. "I still do but I guess Aubrey's my only exception."

Chloe squealed again, gaining the attention of others in the diner causing her to duck her head in embarrassment. She looked at her two friends, "I'm _so_ _happy_ for you two like seriously. I knew Aubrey had a thing for you back in September."

Aubrey rolled her eyes, "Thanks a lot Chloe." She deadpanned. Beca looked at Aubrey, smirking at her. "September huh?" Aubrey whispered for her to shut up, but couldn't hide the small smile on her face.

Beca grabbed her phone when it chimed and she quickly opened the new message. Aubrey's attention was drawn away from Noah telling her about the book he had just read when she heard Beca whisper, "You've got to be kidding me." She turned and watched as the brunette read something on her phone, a deep frown marring the brunette's face.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

Beca didn't look up from her phone as she said she needed to use the bathroom.

Aubrey watched her walk to the bathroom and looked at Chloe in worry. "I'm going to go check on her."

Chloe nodded. "We'll be here when you get back."

Aubrey stood up and followed the path Beca had just taken to the bathroom. She pushed open the bathroom door and saw Beca standing at the bathroom mirror.

"That fucking bitch can't just leave me alone." She whispered as her hands clutched the sink in front of her.

"Beca?"

The brunette looked up immediately and tried to hide the obvious signs that she was crying but Aubrey wasn't fooled. She walked over to her girlfriend and hugged her. Beca immediately wrapped her arms around Aubrey. "She's coming here."

"Who is?"

"Julia."

Aubrey looked down at Beca in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Beca grabbed her phone out of her pocket and unlocked it before handing it to the senior. "Kelly texted me the link to an article."

Aubrey accepted the phone and clicked on the link. It took her to an article. She glanced at Beca who was standing back by the sink shaking in anger before she looked back at the phone screen.

_Coach of High School Powerhouse Roosevelt High, leaves her throne._ Was the headline.

"_After fifteen years, twelve state titles, ten coach of the year awards, and two national titles, Dover's own and beloved coach, Julia Matthews, is stepping down as head coach of Roosevelt High School's successful girls' basketball team to accept the now vacated coach position of Haggard Lee University's Women's basketball team. She will make her inaugural appearance in the 2015-2016 season. As you may know, Matthews has produced several successful athletes including four time Olympic gold medalist of the US Women's Basketball team Emma Simmons, WBNA athletes Sharen Martin (L.A Sparks) and Nicole Patel (NY Liberty), FIBA players Angel Woodley (Italy), Sydney Howard (Portugal), Grace Boone (France) and most recently highly sought after recruit Rebecca Mitchell. We here at the Dover Inquire wish her luck on her pursuit down in Georgia. For more information on Julia Matthews or Roosevelt High School Girls' Basketball Team turn to page 4. "_

"Oh Beca even if she does come here you'll never have to see her. HLU isn't even in our conference and is on the opposite end of the state." She said, walking over to the brunette.

Beca looked at Aubrey before resting her head on Aubrey's shoulder. "I'm just so tired of her having control over my life. I came to Georgia to get _away_ from her and yet she's found a way to weasel her way back into my life. I just never want to visit that point in my life again where I was the helpless little girl who laid there while she hurt me."

Aubrey's heart broke at how small and broken Beca looked. She wrapped her arms around the brunette and kissed the crown of her head. "Don't worry, you will never have to as long as I'm here." She knew while holding the shaking brunette in her arms that she couldn't hand in her paper. She'd take the deduction and leave it to the universe of whether or not she'd graduate.

Beca tightened her hold on her girlfriend. She believed Aubrey whole heartedly about what she said. She trusted her completely which was saying a lot because she never trusted anyone. She had vowed to never open herself emotionally to anyone and yet she found herself doing just that with Aubrey. Maybe what she had said to Chloe was true. Aubrey was her only exception.

_Well you are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception._

_I've got a tight grip on reality,  
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here.  
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up.  
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.  
Oh-oh-oh-ohhh._

Beca dribbled the ball smirking at the blonde in front of her. "Don't worry Posen, when I make this last point I promise not to gloat."

Aubrey rolled her eyes and Beca pulled up for the shot. It was off by a few inches and both girls went for the rebound and ended up bringing each other to the floor with Aubrey landing on top of the brunette. They two stared at each other before bursting into laughter.

Aubrey reached out and pushed Beca's hair out of her face, "This is all your fault."

Beca's eyebrow raised as she asked in amusement "Really?"

Aubrey nodded. Beca reached out to wipe a stray lock off of Aubrey's forehead, "I like you with darker hair."

Aubrey rolled her eyes and scoffed, "It looks horrible, the two colors." She ran her hands through her hair that was braided loosely to prove her point.

"No it doesn't." Aubrey went to argue but Beca placed a finger at Aubrey's lips to silence her. "I have no need or desire to lie to you. I really think darker hair suits you. It brings out your eyes and all that."

Aubrey slapped her arm playfully and Beca burst into laughter again. After a few moments they calmed down and Beca reached out to touch the blondish brown braid on Aubrey's shoulder. "I mean it Bree. I think you're beautiful."

Aubrey blushed and looked away for a few seconds before looking back at her girlfriend and whispering a small thank you. Their eyes were focused on the other's lips and before they knew it they were kissing as if they weren't in the center of a gym. It was empty but it was still a public place.

It wasn't until a whistle was heard behind them that they remembered exactly where they were. They separated, embarrassment tinting their cheeks pink as they turned to see Coach Abernathy and the rest of the team walking into the gym.

"I'm glad to see my two point guards are taking advantage of the empty gym." Abernathy said sardonically.

The two girls stood up and mumbled, "Sorry coach."

"Oh I don't have a problem with you two dating because I much rather you two kissing then fighting. It seems we win more that way. But enough about your love life. The conference call starts in two minutes and I want to call in early."

Everyone followed her to her office. It had been a trying couple of months trying to fight their way to the top of the ranking. They managed to finish out their season 35-1 which was a he improvement from their record last year of 20-15.

Everyone was currently in the Abernathy's office waiting for her to get the call from the NCAA of whether or not they're hard work paid off and they made it into the playoffs.

"Alright ladies, quiet down." Abernathy said as she gestured to her phone. Hitting the red button to unmute the conversation, she said hello.

Everyone stood by anxiously as she nodded her head but didn't give away any other clues as to what was being said.

After a few moments she hung up the phone and looked up at the girls with a solemn expression. "I'm sorry ladies…" she looked at her team who visibly deflated. "It looks like we're having practice tomorrow because we're going to the playoffs!"

Everyone's frowns immediately morphed into excited smiles and grins as everyone cheered.

Abernathy told them to all get rested up because they had a lot of work to do before March Madness in a few weeks.

Aubrey looked at Beca and smirked. "Think you have a few more games in you, Mitchell?"

Beca grabbed Aubrey's hand and returned her smile. "Anything for you Posen."

_You are the only exception._

_You are the only exception_

_And I'm on my way to believing.  
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing._


	27. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

**Can I Call This Love?**

_**Dear Aubrey,**_

_I read Hamlet. I read that entire stupid play and I guess I get why you like it. I just—after finishing it and realizing I only read again it because you said you liked it, I think I have finally reached the point where I'm no longer on guard around you. I'm no longer waiting for you to fuck up or do something to make me run. I've never had friends that were girls before—Julia never really made that easy for me, but now—now I have you. I—I know that you aren't out to hurt me, and you know what? That makes me feel really fucking happy._

"We're back loyal viewers. If you're just now joining us welcome to game one of the NCAA women's basketball championship tournament. While our colleagues Greg and Nancy cover the Haggard Lee University versus Rutgers University game that's taking place one hundred miles west, this is Annie Walker and John Smith providing commentary as Barden University and Truth University meet for what will be an intense matchup. Barden's lead point guard, Rebeca Mitchell is an even match statistically for Truth University leading guard Damilola Thompson."

John Smith nodded as he glanced at the sheets of paper in front of him. "Yes I see Annie. But there's one difference in color and I' not referring to jerseys. That alone gives Thompson an advantage."

Annie forced a laugh for the cameras as she said, "John I've always wondered if you spent your weekends dressed in white bed sheets with other likeminded people, if you catch my drift."

"I do, Annie, I do and the answer is no. That's Tuesdays and Thursdays…Ah, there's TU's Maria Benjamin." John said gesturing to the player at the foul line. "She's giving David Bowie a run for his money. The gender lines are nearly nonexistent with this one, Annie."

"I can see that john. Is it just me or did it get hot in here?"

"As I recall, Annie, you've had that uncomfortable burn for some time, yes?"

"And the clock has wound down and the game is about to begin." Annie said quickly changing the subject.

The first game against Truth University was slightly uneventful for the Royal Knights. Beca, although statistically matched with TU's lead guard found she didn't have as much of a difficult time as she thought she would getting around the guard. The team took the victory 86-53.

The team crowded back onto the couch bus and Aubrey and Beca took their seats in the back. Coach Abernathy sat towards the front with her Samsung galaxy on the NCAA's main site while she waited for the tournament bracket to update.

"Alright ladies, it should let us know any moment…It looks like HLU won 89-33."

Beca visibly deflated and sat back in her chair as she chuckled bitterly. "It's like I can never get a break."

Aubrey turned slightly in her seat so that she could face Beca fully. "It's gonna be ok. Remember what the article said, she's not starting until next season. She's not gonna be at the game so you don't have to worry."

Beca's frown lessened minimally as she thought about everything Aubrey said. She was right, Julia's contract didn't begin until the next season and although that was still a problem, it was a problem she didn't want to worry about until later. After a few moments of silent internal debate Beca nodded and said ok. Aubrey leaned over and kissed the brunette telling her she'd never let anything happen to her.

Beca moaned lightly at the feeling of Aubrey's lips against hers before she pulled away and said she knows. Reaching down to grab her gym bag from under her seat she pulled out a paper bag. "Dinner. You made us breakfast so I handled dinner. It's nothing special, just sandwiches since I had no way of keeping anything hot but I did put that spicy mustard you like on yours. Aubrey smiled and accepted the sandwich being handed to her because she was in fact very hungry.

After they finished eating they sat back in their seats with Beca resting on her back with her head in Aubrey's lap doing the reading for her Elizabethan Shakespeare class.

Peeking up to where Aubrey was reading Beca closed her book and placed it to the side. "What're you reading?"

Aubrey didn't look down from the page she was reading as she tilted her book so that Beca could see the cover. "_Screaming in the Wind."_

"Is that for class?"

Aubrey nodded. "Criminal Psych."

"What's it about?"

"A female killer from 2004 I think. Leanne Saunders. She killed the senator of New York."

Beca took the book Aubrey offered to show her a picture. Beca looked at the picture of the crime scene and of the senator. She frowned as she said, "I remember her. It was a big deal back home." Beca handed back the book and said, "I personally didn't feel bad."

"Why not?"

"Because senator Jefferies was a pedophile."

Aubrey furrowed her brow as she looked down at the brunette. "What makes you say that?"

"Is there a picture of her autopsy in there?"

Aubrey nodded and Beca told her to turn to the page. Aubrey did as instructed and flipped to the correct page.

"Ok, look at her right wrist, right where you'd normally place a watch. There's a purple swan there."

Aubrey looked down at her girlfriend shocked after finding the tattoo on the late senator's wrist right where the brunette said it would be. "How—how did you know it would be there?"

"Because Julia isn't the only sick son of a bitch out there." She sat up. "There's a lot of them actually. A whole group of sick bastards that have the same tattoo." Beca lifted her shirt and exposed the side of her torso that held a tattoo of a white feather on her rib.

"I've—why haven't I seen this before? I thought I've seen all of your tattoos."

Beca lowered her shirt and sat back in her seat, resting her head on Aubrey's shoulder. "It's the only one I wish I didn't have." She looked up at Aubrey and sighed. "What I'm about to tell you, you can't ever tell anyone. These women are powerful, Bree. One call from one of them and you could lose your jo, car, and house like that." she said, snapping her finger.

Aubrey nodded her head and promised Beca she wouldn't repeat what she was told. When Beca saw that Aubrey meant it she sat up and reached under her seat to grab her sketch pad out of her gym bag.

Flipping through the spiral book until she found the page she was looking for, she placed the book in her lap so that Aubrey could see what was on the page.

"The group is a secret society of sorts. They meet like any other club but this isn't your average knitting circle." She paused and looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping before continuing. "Julia didn't take me too many of the meetings but I observed quite a lot in the few I did attend."

"So it's a group like a book club?" Aubrey questioned.

"No not really. Think bigger. They're more like a sorority or…or what's that fraternity George Bush and John Kerry are a part of?"

"Skulls and Bones?" Aubrey answered.

"Yes, exactly. They might not have presidents on their mailing list but these women are just as powerful. Senators, lawyers, doctors. I even saw a picture of the chapter president with the secretary of state and the wife of the governor of New Jersey."

"Wow." Aubrey whispered unable to believe what she was hearing.

"I know. They all live these secret lives and the public is none the wiser. Well anyway," she pointed to the front drawing on the page that matched her tattoo. "They mark you so that you 'belong' or in my case, so that you never escape. Julia, in the beginning, was an active member and I guess that's why she let them mark me. The ones with this mark are the cygnets. If you were under 10, I think, when you were marked your feather is white otherwise it's purple the cygnets were the kids and we all looked at each other with such pity because we all knew how it felt while we were being paraded around like it was a dog show. Thank god Julia wasn't one for showing off although it seemed she had reason too."

When Aubrey looked at her curiously Beca nodded and elaborated. "Apparently a lot of women wanted to 'borrow' me. She'd take me to the meetings and let me go with the other girls my age but she was always within ear shot to make sure none of the other women got too close." Beca cleared her throat and pointed to the next drawing of a purple swan.

"These are the adults. The swans. Julia was a swan." She pointed to the drawing at the bottom of the page. "And the elites get the flying swan. They're the ones that were once cygnets but became swans…Senator Jefferies was an elite. She was also one of the women always wanting to borrow me."

"_My my, aren't you beautiful."_

_Beca turned around at the sound of an older woman's voice she didn't recognize. She didn't know the woman but she had seen her before during the other meetings Julia took her to. She smiled and said hello to the stranger because Julia told her to always be polite. She didn't quite understand why Julia expected her to be polite while in the same breath telling her not to talk to strangers._

"_Wh—what's your name?" the nine year old asked nervously as she looked up at the older woman in her emerald blazer and mint green pants. Her clothes alone told Beca she was rich and the nine year old didn't want to make a fool of herself._

_The woman sat down next to beca on the fainting chair and smiled brightly. "My name is Patricia."_

"_I'm Rebeca."_

"_I know. I've been watching you Rebeca." Patricia said unfastening the button on her blazer to reveal a white blouse underneath._

"_You have?" Beca asked in disbelief. It was weird to have all of these important people (well Julia said they were important) paying so much attention to her. While she played with the other girls she would sometimes turn and see several women looking at her. One time she saw her dentist, Dr. Kennedy, at the last meeting watching her in the same way Patricia was watching her now._

"_Yes, beautiful. In fact, I've been wanting to get you alone for some time but Julia is quite selfish when it comes to you. She doesn't want to share."_

_Beca, at times, wished she knew more than she did. It always seemed that when Julia or her teachers, or any adult, for that matter, spoke, there was some underlying meaning she wasn't privy to. Take now, for example. Something about the way Patricia spoke was unnerving but Beca didn't know why._

"_Well Ms. Julia says that we should only share with people we trust and to not talk to strangers," she said, not wanting to upset Julia by being rude to Patricia._

_Patricia chuckled as she sat back on the chair and placed her arm on the top of the chair so that it was around Beca. She crossed her legs and looked at the nine year old. "But I'm not a stranger. In fact I'm on TV every day."_

"_Really?"_

"_Uh huh. I'm the senator of New York."_

"_What's a senator?"_

"_It's a person that makes laws. For example, can you rob a bank, Rebeca?"_

_Beca shook her head. "No."_

"_Why not?"_

"_Because it's wrong and the police will take you to jail if you do."_

_Patricia nodded and scooted her closer to Beca. "Well I'm the one who decides that robbing a bank is wrong and that you will go to jail if you do."_

_Beca's face brightened as she gave the older woman a toothy grin. "Oh! That's so cool. What other laws have you made? Are you like the president?"_

_Patricia laughed soundly as she looked at the bouncing little girl in front of her. "No, I'm not like the president but we work together. However, I don't think you want to hear all about my boring job. Why don't you tell me about yourself? What do you like to do?"_

"_Well I like to play basketball and Ms. Julia teaches me all kinds of tricks and stuff so that I can score."_

_Patricia looked at Rebecca and husked, "I bet you're really good."_

"_That's what Ms. Julia says. She also says if I keep practicing I'll be a professional."_

"_Maybe you can come to my house sometime and play. I have a really large gym out back and I'm sure Leanne would love the company."_

"_Who's Leanne?"_

_Patricia moved closer to Beca, removing the remaining space between them and pointed to one of the girls on the other side of the room. She was much older than the girls but a lot younger than the other women in the room. "See the girl with the curly blonde hair. I adopted her."_

"_Is she your daughter?"_

"_On paper yes, but we have a different type of relationship, kinda like your relationship with Julia."_

_Beca glanced at Patricia wondering if she knew her and Julia's secret. Did Julia tell? Patricia did say her relationship with Leanne was like her relationship with Julia so maybe she did know. Beca wondered did they play games, too. She turned fully to Patricia and asked._

"_Does…do you guys play games to?"_

_Patricia nodded, her eyes clouding with something Beca recognized having seen it in Julia's eyes often. "Yes we do. We play all the time and I really want you to come and play with us." She placed a hand on Beca's thigh and began to rub the skin just under the hem of her dress. Beca was very uncomfortable and she tried to look around desperately to find Julia to save her from this strange woman. However, before she could find her Patricia cupped her chin and turned her head so that they were face to face. "Don't worry, baby. I'm sure Julia won't mind if I just borrowed you for a few hours."_

"_How about I be the judge of that?"_

_Patricia immediately jumped back from beca leaving the nine year old stuck to her spot shaking in fear. Julia immediately walked over and grabbed Beca's hand pulling the younger girl to her as she glared at the senator. "If you ever touch her again I swear to god I'll make a call to your husband and make sure he knows what you're doing with your adopted daughter."_

_Patricia sneered at her before she stood. "I don't think it's very sisterly of you Julia to keep little Rebecca all to yourself. I've seen her mark. You already deflowered her, now why not let us have a turn? I gave you a turn at Leanne so I think it's only fair that you return the favor."_

_Julia seethed with anger as she glared at the older woman. "First off do not think you were doing me a favor with Leanne. I was nineteen, confused and ashamed of myself and my orientation. I didn't want to touch that little girl but you and Ruth got me drunk and coerced me into your bedroom." She saw the woman in question, Ruth, Manhattan's assistant district attorney look up from where she was talking with the chapter president, the top neurosurgeon at Mercy Hospital, the largest trauma center in the state. Patricia put her hand up to tell the other woman she would handle it and there was no need for her to interfere._

_Patricia's frown transformed into a smug grin as she crossed her arms. "I don't recall you pushing away Leanne when she was between your legs." Her voice dropped as she angrily whispered, "Better yet, I don't recall you crying foul when _**you**_ fucked my daughter." She took a step closer and looked down at beca before meeting Julia's eyes again. "I'm not asking for a lot. I just want one night with her and after that I'll do whatever's necessary to make sure she has a good life. The best schools, the best colleges. One call from me and she'll be out of that poor excuse for a public school."_

_Julia tightened her hold on Beca's hand as she stepped away from the senator. "No thank you _**senator**_. Rebeca and I are just fine."_

_Julia stormed out of the house with beca in tote. They got into her car and beca watched as Julia angrily hit her steering wheel over and over again. Was Julia mad at her for telling Patricia their secret? The senator seemed so nice, until she touched Beca, that is, but Beca still didn't understand why Julia was so angry._

"_Ms. Julia are you mad at me?" she asked meekly. Julia immediately stopped and turned towards Beca._

_She took the little girl's face in her hands and said, "No, Rebecca. Why would you think that?"_

"_Because I let her touch me."_

_Julia leaned over and pulled beca into her arms. "No, honey. None of that was your fault. If anything, it's mine. I knew Ruth was trying to draw my attention away from you but I didn't realize it until it was too late." She sighed and kissed Beca on the forehead. "Rebecca, listen to me. I'm never going to let anyone touch you ok. I will protect and provide for you. There's nothing out there that Patricia could give you that I wouldn't already offer. So next time she or any of the others try to approach you I want you to run, ok?"_

_Beca nodded and Julia smiled before pulling beca back into her embrace. "We only have each other, Blackbird. We have to watch out for each other because it's just me and you against the world."_

_Beca nodded and repeated what the older woman said, "Us against the world."_

"How do you even join a group like this? I doubt they advertise in the newspaper."

"I don't know. Julia never told me about her 'initiation' or stuff like that but she did tell me of one woman who was banished for taking pictures of the little boy in her care and sharing them online. I guess child pornography is where they drew the line." She chuckled bitterly. Aubrey lifted Beca's shirt running her fingers over the tattoo and said to Beca, "You should keep it and right under it have 'survivor' written."

Beca scoffed. "I didn't survive Aubrey. I barely made it out."

Aubrey leaned over and kissed Beca lightly. "You're so strong Beca and I can't wait until the day you see it."

Beca reached over and placed her hand on Aubrey's neck to deepen the kiss wanting to distract herself from her any thoughts of her past. "Let me take you out tomorrow night." Beca said, pulling away from Aubrey to catch her breath.

"Why such a sudden desire to go out?" Aubrey asked. It was very clear that Beca was a homebody and Aubrey loved that about her. So this sudden desire to go out was a shock.

"I know it's your birthday." Beca deadpanned.

"H—how did you know?" Aubrey stuttered. She made it a point of not telling anyone her birthday because the day held terrible memories for her. Her father refused to celebrate the day she was born because it served as a reminder that his wife cheated. He, instead, stayed late at the office. Her mother, wanting to keep the peace, didn't make a big deal out of it. If it weren't for her brothers—Wesley and Edward in particular—Chloe and Charlie, she doubted she would have celebrated at all.

"I have my ways. So will you let me take you to dinner or not?" she asked with an amused smirk.

Aubrey nodded as the bus came to stop in front of Maverick Gym. Beca grabbed her bag and stood. "Alright. I'll be there to pick you up at 9."

_I know that when you look at me  
There's so much that you just don't see  
But if you would only take the time  
I know in my heart you'd find  
A girl who's scared sometimes  
Who isn't always strong  
Can't you see the hurt in me?  
I feel so all alone_

Beca ran her hand down the front of her dress as she nervously waited for Aubrey to answer. She normally didn't wear dresses but she thought she'd dress up for her girlfriend on her special day. When she asked Chloe when Aubrey's birthday was the redhead told her of the blonde's experiences during her childhood. That was when Beca decided on taking Aubrey out and making sure this day was one for her to remember. This is what brought her to her current circumstance. She stood at her front door in a borrowed black cocktail dress from Jessica waiting for the senior.

A few seconds later the door opened to reveal Aubrey. Beca's jaw dropped slightly. "You look…beautiful," she breathed as her eyes ran down her girlfriends body from the brown and blonde hair pinned in a loose bun at the back of her head to the garnet colored sleeveless pleated dress and matching shoes.

Aubrey blushed as she stepped out onto the front step and turned to lock her apartment door. "Thank you." She said. She turned around and looked at her girlfriend. Her breath hitched at the sight of Beca in a figure hugging black dress. "You don't look too bad yourself Mitchell."

Beca smirked, "Well you see, I have this really hot girlfriend and I can't celebrate her birthday in just ole anything."

Aubrey smacked her arm playfully before taking Beca's hand and allowing the brunette to lead her down the stairs. When they stopped in front of a white BMW and beca opened the passenger door for her, Aubrey froze.

"How can you afford this?"

Beca shrugged, "CR's dad is a car salesman and he loaned it to me under the one condition that we win the national title."

Aubrey walked over to the passenger side and stopped in front of beca. "But you can't guarantee that."

"Well, he can't unloan me the car if we lose." She said, motioning for Aubrey to get inside the car.

After a moment of hesitation, the blonde got in and pulled the seatbelt across her chest as beca closed the door. When the brunette got inside she started the car, buckled her seatbelt and pulled away from the front curb. Not long after, they were zipping through the streets of Atlanta where the green and yellow banners of Barden University soon gave way for city lights. Aubrey soon noticed that they were driving to the section of the city where the more upscale and expensive stores and restaurants were. When they pulled up in front of a very elegant Greek restaurant called, Acantha, Aubrey's eyes widened, "I've heard about this place. Stacie and Wallace have been trying to get a reservation here for weeks." She looked down at her dress and frowned. "I feel so underdressed. I need to go back home and change."

Beca placed her hand on Aubrey's shoulder and smiled softly. "Relax. You look Beautiful."

They both got out of the car and beca handed her keys to the valet as she waited for Aubrey to make her way to her side. They laced their hands together and made their way to the front of the building and the doorman opened the door with a greeting. "Good evening ladies."

The interior of the restaurant was mostly colored in brown and dark green with expensive artwork all along the walls. Without missing a beat, beca walked over to the maître d' and greeted him before saying she had reservations under Mitchell.

The middle aged man nodded his head as he checked the reservation book in front of him. Once he found the reservation he smiled at the two women and instructed for them to follow him to their table.

"Here you are ladies. Your waiter will be with you shortly."

The two women nodded and turned to their table which was much larger than expected. Instead of a table that sat two people, this one fit eight.

"We definitely don't need a table this large."

Beca nodded and told Aubrey she'd go and speak to the manager. Aubrey watched her walk away when her phone chimed in her clutch purse. Fishing out the IPhone, she took a seat in one of the chairs and looked at the screen. It was a blocked number and after a moment of hesitation she tapped the green button on her screen to answer the call.

"Hello?"

"_**Happy birthday Aubrey!"**_

"Oh my god. Wesley! I didn't think I'd hear from you for a few weeks. Does this mean you found a place to stay?"

"_**Nothing permanent but hey, a bed's a bed. Or in my case a couch."**_

Aubrey furrowed her brow as she thought for a moment before asking, "Whose phone are you using?"

"_**Oh, Beca loaned me hers."**_

Aubrey was instantly perplexed by his response. She turned around to find Beca when she came face to face to see beca, Wesley, and all of their friends who stood crowded around her girlfriend who held a large birthday cake.

Aubrey's hands covered her mouth in shock and she was rendered speechless. After a few seconds of shock she immediately stood up and launched herself into Wesley's arms.

"How did you get here?"

Wesley smiled and shook his head, "We'll worry about that later. Now, we should focus on your birthday cake before the candles melt into the cake."

Aubrey turned around and smiled brightly as Beca sat the cake on the table and led everyone into the traditional birthday song.

"Make a wish, Bree." Chloe said, clapping excitedly. Aubrey rolled her eyes playfully at her best friend's giddiness before closing her eyes. She never believed in birthday wishes ever since she was seven and wished that her father would say he was proud of her. She waited for five years and on her twelfth birthday she stopped wishing. She told her mother to not even bother putting candles on her cake. However, just seeing what beca did for her. Managing to get her brother and closest friends here to celebrate her birthday, she figured one more try wouldn't hurt. She knew there was only one thing she wanted more than anything in the world.

'_I wish for Beca's love and trust.'_

She opened her eyes and blew out the candles. Everyone clapped and cheered and Beca leaned over to peck Aubrey on the lips earning them a round of 'awwws' much to the brunette's chagrin. They sat down to eat dinner and birthday cake with everyone laughing and having a good time as Wesley shared stories of Aubrey from their childhood.

"So my mom goes to pick up Aubrey's dress for communion."

Aubrey shrunk down into her chair and covered her face in embarrassment, "Oh God."

Wesley was unfazed by his sister's discomfort and continued on with his story. "Bree goes to try on the dress and it's too big. My mom was confused since it fit in the story so she goes to call the shop. While my mom was on the phone, my genius of a sister goes into the kitchen and grabs a bag of marshmallows and proceeds to stuff half of the bag in her mouth, one marshmallow after the other. My mother saw her and was like 'what're you doing?' and Aubrey goes 'I need to fit into my dress'!"

Everyone burst into laughter. Beca looked at her girlfriend apologetically although a small smile graced her face.

Towards the end of dinner beca reached into her purse and pulled out her phone. "I almost forgot. Look what I found." She said, opening the video app on her phone and making the video full screen before showing it to the table.

Everyone watched in astonishment as their teammate, Jessica, ran meters ahead of her opponents, speeding around the track with ease. Beca had been on YouTube randomly and came across the video under high school sports. When she realized it was Jessica she immediately bookmarked the page to show the team. Jessica was a _really_ good player but most of the team tended to doubt her because of her leg. Beca knew this video would change their attitudes towards the fastest person on their team.

Fat Amy was the first one to speak "We knew you were fast but damn. When we're going for a quick break in the game, get your ass down the court because I'm throwing you the ball."

This earned her a round of laughter.

_I wanna run to you (oooh)  
I wanna run to you (oooh)  
Won't you hold me in your arms  
And keep me safe from harm  
I wanna run to you (oooh)  
But if I come to you (oooh)  
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away_

Everyone headed out around midnight, the restaurant staying open for them longer than normal and beca thanked the owner when she went to pay the check. She and Aubrey drove back to the blonde's apartment, Chloe offering to take Biscuit and stay with Fat Amy in order to give the two some privacy. When they got inside, they changed out of their dresses and into pajamas. Beca had a drawer in Aubrey's dresser from all of the clothes she had left at the senior's apartment over time.

Aubrey sat down on the couch next to the brunette, "So how did you get Wesley down here?"

"It wasn't easy, I'll tell you that." Beca said, placing her phone on the charger. "I mailed a bus ticket to Kelly and asked her to find him. I had to troll you Facebook page to find a picture to send with the ticket and it was an honest miracle that she found him."

"How long has he been in Georgia?"

"A week. Jesse's roommate transferred out so he has a spare bed in his dorm. Those two got along a lot better than I thought." She said, furrowing her eye brows as she thought about the sudden spark between the two.

Aubrey nodded and smiled before leaning over and kissing her girlfriend. "Tonight was the happiest I've ever been."

Beca smiled "well I'm glad. That's all I wanted." She reached under the couch and pulled out a wrapped present and handed it to the blonde.

Aubrey took it and unwrapped the present, smiling as tears came to her eyes at the small 8 x 11 picture frame. It was a picture of her and Wesley. She looked to be about three or four and he looked about four or five. Wesley sat at the piano while Aubrey was on top with her legs crossed as they stared at each other with wide smiles on their faces.

"I've never seen this before."

"Yeah, Wesley figured that he had the only copy. It was kinda tattered and discolored from being in his wallet so I had it restore and enlarged for you because I know how much you love him."

Aubrey reached out and wrapped her arms around the brunette pulling her into a tight and loving embrace.

"God beca you have _no _idea how happy you've made me these past few months." she said lightly as she rested her chin on Beca's shoulder.

Beca pulled back so that she could look at her girlfriend. "It's nothing compared to what you've done for me."

Aubrey smiled and slowly leaned in, ever so lightly pressing her lips to Beca's. As their lips connected, the increasingly familiar sensations hit Beca. The sweet fragrance of Aubrey's perfume, the softness of her lips, the gentle hand resting on her waist. It was all so new and yet it all felt so familiar.

She slowly began to respond and deepen the kiss. Aubrey moaned and breathed in the light baby powder scent she'd come to associate with beca as she traced her hands down the brunette's side.

Beca felt herself feeling something she wasn't sure she'd ever felt voluntarily. She was aroused and it wasn't something that her body felt against her will. She was attracted to the woman kissing her and her body responded as a result. She could feel her underwear dampening and her nipples hardening and it completely caught her off guard. When Julia kissed her she felt nothing-she made sure she felt nothing. She hated every bit of Julia and her assault on her mouth. However, with Aubrey and just feeling her lips move across hers, Aubrey's tongue move against hers-she felt complete for the first time in her life.

She knew Aubrey had been patient with her and plenty of nights she knew Aubrey went to bed painfully aroused after their more heated make out sessions. Beca was still _terrified_ of sex but she knew it was something she had to overcome. She wanted to be intimate with her girlfriend because she wanted to connect with her physically. Just like when she was seven and afraid of heights, she conquered them by climbing to the top of the monkey bars. It worked then so she didn't see why it wouldn't work now. She trusted Aubrey and if there was anyone for her to do this with it would be the blonde.

It was this line of thinking that compelled beca to pull back and stand up from the couch. She looked down at Aubrey who stared back with dilated and lust filled eyes and extended her hand.

She led her girlfriend into the bedroom and led her over to the bed. Aubrey realized what Beca's intentions were and pulled away.

"We don't have to do this Beca. If you're not re—"

Beca laid down on the bed and pulled Aubrey on top of her as she interrupted her with a kiss. "I want to."

Aubrey looked down into the brown eyes she loved to gauge whether or not beca was serious. She did want beca. She wanted her badly so much so that it hurt but she didn't want to force her into something she wasn't ready for. She knew if they did this before Beca was completely ready it would be twenty steps backwards, a regression they might never recover from.

When she saw beca stare back at her with nothing but adoration she leaned down and reengaged the kiss. It didn't take long for things to heat up from there.

Aubrey's voice was hoarse and thick with lust as she begged Beca to touch her, to devour her, to _fuck_ her until she was grasping at the bed sheets and struggling to breath. Beca pulled back disengaging the kiss and flipped them so that she was on top. She wasn't having second thoughts but she felt more comfortable on top. She leaned in and reconnected her lips to Aubrey's neck as she nipped at the pale skin. every inch of her ached to touch Aubrey—to love her—and as much as yearned to do just that, she could feel nerves unwillingly bubble to the surface just beneath her skin, laughing at and taunting her. The prospect of actual, _consensual _sex made her nervous because it was something she had never confronted before. She was never given an actual choice when it came to sex in her past. Sex wasn't something she did or participated in, it was something that was _done_ to her.

However, looking down at Aubrey and seeing her arch her back and moan out as she responded to the feel of Beca's tongue on her skin, beca didn't want to back out and appear cowardly. She pushed against Aubrey's underwear with her thigh, leaning over her as she used her left hand to push the hem of Aubrey's shirt up her stomach. Beca's lips captured hers in another kiss as she ground against her bottom half, providing enough stimulation to milk a needy moan from the blonde's lips before promising in a whisper, "I'm going to make you fucking _scream."_

It seemed like the right thing to say if the throaty moan the blonde emitted was any indication. Maybe if she focused on Aubrey and bringing her to great heights of ecstasy, the anxiety would go away

Aubrey moaned low in her throat as Beca rubbed her thigh against her core. Heat shot up through her body and when Beca's mouth captured hers she threw herself into the kiss. It was made all that much better with Beca's promise: "I'm going to make you fucking scream." The brunette's arms skated across her stomach with gentle ease but she sensed the hesitation. The look in Beca's eyes that should've been completely lust filled were marred by hints of uncertainty.

Beca could see Aubrey studying her and she was afraid that the blonde sensed her fear. She knew how much Aubrey cared about her and she didn't want the blonde to pull back. Beca wanted to do this. She wanted to have sex. She needed to get it over with so that she could move on. In an attempt to distract the woman underneath her she leaned over and whispered in Aubrey's ear.

"How long have you wanted this?"

Aubrey blushed and hid her face in the crook of Beca's neck, gasping when Beca bit her shoulder. "I'm ashamed to admit how much I've wanted this-how often I fantasized about this."

"Really?" she asked and Aubrey bit her lip as she nodded.

Beca reached down and pulled her shirt up over her head before she kissed Aubrey again, finally feeling she was beginning to regain control of the situation. Aubrey pulled down her shorts and kicked them off before she flipped them once again so that she was on top before reconnecting the kiss. Beca smiled into the kiss because she knew the moment they started having sex her nerves would disappear. After all, Aubrey wasn't Julia. She knew the blonde would go as slow as she needed her to. Just hearing Aubrey say she fantasized about beca made her feel sexy. It made her feel wanted and it made her feel special.

Beca smirked. The mere thought of it came to Beca in the form of a pretty little visual that had her mouth watering and her body aching to see it for herself. How raunchy, the perfect and uptight Aubrey getting herself off in front of her.

_And that way you don't have to make a fool of yourself if you can't get her off, right? You're so pathetic, trying to find the easy way out of everything. She can see it too, you know; how terrified you are because you don't know what the hell you're doing. The only woman you've ever touched was Julia and even then, her hand was always right above yours guiding you where to go. Admit it, you don't have a clue about pleasing a woman. She can see right through that mask and she thinks you're so weak because of it…_

"I'm not _weak!"_ Beca burst out suddenly, enraged at the voices in her head. The voices that came out when she was drunk and trying to forget just how ruined she was but that was the thing, wasn't it? They were only voices in her head. Voices which Aubrey couldn't hear, and that pissed Beca off even more because now she sounded like a crazed lunatic.

_You are a crazed lunatic._

"Fuck," Beca swore, all this anger and lust becoming too great for her to handle and she lost control completely despite her desperate attempts to hold on. "_Damnit, _Aubrey!" she yelled before throwing the blonde off of her, making her land in a heap on the bed.

Aubrey tied to grab Beca's hands to help calm her but Beca pulled away. The brunette grabbed the hem of Aubrey's shirt wrenching it up and using it to bind Aubrey's hands above her head. Beca growled as she crawled on top of her, hovering over her new _victim._

"I _can _make you come," she told her harshly as if Aubrey had been the one to question it. Beca's reality was blurring and she couldn't make sense of anything but needing to prove herself. She wasn't the victim anymore; she wasn't _pathetic. _She could do anything she fucking wanted to do to anyone, _including _her girlfriend!

"I can make you come harder than you ever have in your fucking life!" Beca screamed at her, digging her nails into Aubrey's bound arms. If the blonde was scared, it didn't even register with her. She couldn't see; everything was just pain and sex; victim and capture. That's how it's always been, that's how it would always be. "I'm not scared, I'm _not! _So just SHUT UP!_"_ She ripped away Aubrey's underwear harshly and threw them behind her.

Her hand cupped Aubrey's center roughly and she growled in pleasure as wetness enveloped her hand. "I can do anything you can do," Beca spat. "I'm not fucking _damaged, _so just stop thinking that I am!"

_Oh, but you are; can't you see? You're so fucked up that you're going to rape your own girlfriend. But that's what you want, isn't it? SO DO IT. Make her fucking sorry she was ever stupid enough to fantasize about this, because this isn't FUN. This isn't SEXY. This is just FUCKED UP._

"Why do you want to do this?"

"Do what?" Aubrey asked nervously.

"_This_! It's disgusting and dirty. Why do you _want_ to have _sex_?"

And then finally Beca realized why she was so angry. Aubrey wanted to become a victim _like her,_ and that made her want to tear her girlfriend apart. No one should _ever _want something as filthy and disgusting as sex! How _dare_ she! How fucking dare she try to make the last ten years of her life sound _sexy._

Beca looked down at her, breathing heavily; tears stinging the back of her eyes even though she looked like she was ready to murder. "How can you _want _this?" she hissed out, her distress coming out with every word. It was the only indication that Beca was legitimately upset.

Aubrey was terrified of what Beca would do next but even more afraid of what might happen if she moved and startled the brunette.

Sitting back on the hunches of her heels, beca grabbed her hair desperately. "What's wrong with me?" She cried out the rough gritted teeth. "I feel like I'm losing my mind!" so many thoughts raced through her mind at once. The same voices that commanded her to drink and to cut, both of which she wanted to do now if it made the voices stop. She just wanted to love her girlfriend and she couldn't even do that right. Maybe the voices were right. Maybe she _was_ crazy.

Aubrey managed to free herself from the binding her arms before she sat up and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. Feeling the soft arms wrap around her, Beca let her head fall forward and rest on Aubrey's shoulder as she cried harder. "You must think I'm crazy. A lunatic who's just like her." Aubrey shook her head, using her hand to guide Beca's face up so that she could make eye contact with her. "You're nothing like her Beca. I think you're perfect." She guided Beca down in the bed and they laid in the dark as Beca continued to cry.

Beca shook her head, "No. I'm dirty and soiled. I'm fucked up in the head. Why do you still want me?"

Aubrey pressed her lips to Beca's neck, hoping it wasn't too much.

"You are not _dirty_." She whispered, pressing another soft kiss lower down her neck. "You are not _soiled_" She said with another kiss on her collar bone. "You are not a _lunatic_." Another kiss on the shoulder. "You are not crazy." She said, kissing Beca's arm. She took her hand, bringing the palm to her lips. "To me, you are _perfect_." She whispered, kissing Beca's palm.

It was all she knew how to do to get Beca to realize she wasn't any of those things, despite what the brunette believed.

Beca didn't know what to say.

No one had _ever _said something so beautiful to her and she was finding it rather difficult to even believe it was real, and not something her mind made up because it was what she _wanted _to hear. She did that a lot. Like when she used to drink, her mind told her she didn't have a problem. But even if her mind fabricated the words, they did not fabricate Aubrey's touch. Beca eyes fluttered closed and she rolled her neck instinctively, allowing the blonde more space to gently kiss her skin. It felt wonderful, but good things always made Beca paranoid because she never really believed that they happened. At least not to her.

Beca inhaled as Aubrey kissed her palm, listening as she told her she was _perfect. _Beca rolled over a little to face her. With a sad smile on her face, she softly said, "You're completely delusional if you really believe someone like _me_ is perfect." While it was a nice sentiment, Beca knew it wasn't true. She was probably the antithesis of perfect.

Aubrey laced her fingers with Beca's as she retorted, "no I'm not Beca. I think you are perfect the way you are."

Beca watched the hopeful look on her face, hoping she had somehow convinced her and for a moment Beca returned the smile; allowing Aubrey to think she did believe her but soon enough her smile faded and she pulled her hand from Aubrey's grasp, her demeanor changing instantly.

"But you're wrong," she said sharply, "About not being like her. I am. I see it more and more every day. And just because I have more sense than to rape you now, doesn't mean I'll have that in the future." She looked down, feeling this awful sickening feeling creep up through her chest. "I've already tied you up and hurt you…" Beca finished in a whisper referring to how she roughly restrained Aubrey and had every intention to fuck her—to hurt her. It was the only way she knew how to have sex. Predator and Prey, dominant and submissive, those who fucked and those who were fucked. When it came to sex Beca was trained and conditioned to think in this dichotomy and as much as she wanted to break the mold and be _normal_ for Aubrey, she found it to be an impossible task. She thought she could do this. She thought she could finally get over her fear but now laying her shaking in fear, she realized just how stupid that notion was.

Beca moved her head up momentarily to place an open mouthed kiss on her girlfriend's jugular. "And you wanna know the most fucked up part of it all?" she whispered against her skin. It was a rhetorical question so she didn't expect a response as she licked a line from the base of Aubrey's neck all the way up to her ear before she hissed into it, "I still want to. I want to explore your body unwillingly because this sick part in my head needs to know why it's so goddamn appealing. I want to know why she did this to me, and to do that I would like nothing more than to do the same thing to you."

Beca heard the madness in her voice; heard the words she was saying even though she consciously did not want to say them. But it didn't matter; she was angry at the world and for some reason Aubrey seemed like a good enough target for her rage. Beca pulled back, looking her girlfriend's in the eyes. "So tell me, Aubrey; am I perfect _now_?"

Aubrey takes her face in her hands and says sternly "yes Beca." Beca broke down crying at that and Aubrey wrapped her arms around beca tighter as she said, "We'll get through this together."

Beca wanted to slap Aubrey for that sentence. She wasn't the one who was violated, so there was no _together_ in any sense in regards to what happened to her. But instead of physically hurting her girlfriend, she just found herself hiding her face in Aubrey's neck, crying as she held on to her.

Aubrey said she'd be there for her. To help see her out of the dark tunnel and despite how shitty she felt and how much beca wanted but _couldn't _believe Aubrey she wished that she wasn't so damage. She wished she wasn't such a soiled piece of trash that Julia used up and discarded. God how she wished Aubrey loved her. God how she wished she could love Aubrey back.

_I need you here  
I need you here to wipe away my tears  
To kiss away my fears  
If you only knew how much_


	28. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27 ****These Wounds Won't Seem to Heal**

_Dear Charlie,_

_I saw you on campus on my way to class. You were hanging around that girl, Mia, and you looked happy. But your happiness only incited rage in me because you broke Aubrey's heart to get it. I still see it lingering in her eyes and the scars painting her body with a picture of past hurt and pain—hurt and pain that you caused her. Hurt and pain that I want to avenge in her name. I won't, however, because I'm trying to work on my temper and penchant for violence. Although, there is a revenge I can exact that will hurt you more than a punch ever will. I know it angers you and cuts you deep with hatred when you see Aubrey and me together. I know how it burns you with fury knowing she isn't under your control anymore and I plan to use all of that to hurt you. I'm going to stay with Aubrey as long as she'll have me and despite how much she tries to hide it, I know the pain from your relationship is still there. We both have a lot of pain to conquer and I plan to love Aubrey past her pain. Our love for each other will heal us both. _

Beca's eyes fluttered open before she closed them again, hoping in the back of her mind that last night was just a terrible dream. When she felt arms holding her securely while her head rested on Aubrey's shoulder she couldn't help the immense guilt that rushed over her and overwhelmed the happiness she felt at being with Aubrey. Last night actually happened and she could no longer hide how she felt seeing Aubrey respond to her at her worst with nothing but love. Beca thought she wouldn't want to be around Aubrey after embarrassing herself last night but the contrary was the case. She felt this feeling in her chest that was becoming familiar the more she surrounded herself with the senior.

She had never felt like this before but she quickly dismissed what her mind was telling her this feeling was. Right now she didn't want to think about anything. She didn't want to deal with emotions. She didn't want to deal with her shitty life. She didn't want to think about her struggle to stay sober and not cut when she was stressed. She didn't want to think about the fact that Julia would be in Georgia or the possibility she would have to see her again. She only wanted to revel in the feeling of comfort and safety she felt when she was in Aubrey's arms. When Aubrey held her she felt invincible. Safe…Loved.

She snuggled closer to her girlfriend wishing for this moment to last forever. She wished time would freeze and that this moment would never end because she didn't want the feeling of being invulnerable and safe to end. She didn't want to leave this cocoon and go back to her shitty life; back to being the depressed victim of sexual abuse who went from a talented basketball prodigy to a suicidal, angry, and violent shell of her former self. After last night she couldn't hide from Aubrey. She couldn't pretend she was ok because she wasn't. Julia _ruined_ her and now Aubrey knew how much. She had managed to hide for so long behind a tough and violent nature, behind sarcasm and wit. Very few saw past the mask and saw just how broken and damaged she was. Mary Elise saw it but only partially while Lea saw it fully but briefly. The only people she ever opened up to were Kelly and Aubrey and with Kelly, she censored a lot of the truth. Nonetheless, all of those people did one thing or another to prove to Beca that she could trust them with herself and they were the ones she kept close. They were the one that showed they truly cared.

Her chest tightened when Aubrey began to stir. Beca opened her eyes, sad that her moment in time was being un-paused and coming to an end just like every good thing in her life. Her innocence as a child. Her love of basketball. Her friendship with Kelly. And now the feeling of safety and love she felt after so much time without it. She looked at Aubrey who slowly opened her eyes, immediately catching Beca's blue ones. She waited for Aubrey to let go; to release her back into the world and into the life that only know how to hurt her. Beca knew that after her freak out—where she basically told Aubrey she wanted to hurt her—that Aubrey would stop lying to herself about how broken Beca was and realize it was too much for her to handle.

Aubrey greeted her with a warm smile. "Good morning." She could see her girlfriend's troubled expression despite her attempts to hide it and it made Aubrey worry. She had convinced herself in the past few months of their relationship that Beca was strong and wanted to deal with her problems on her own but last night proved otherwise. Beca needed her. She needed all the support she could get.

"Mornin'" Beca responded weakly. It was time to go back to reality and face the music. "About last night, I—"

Aubrey leaned over and kissed Beca softly to stop her. "I know you don't want to talk about it right now. I understand, and like always, when you're ready I'll be here to listen."

Beca sighed contently and gave her a soft, grateful smile as she whispered, "Thank you."

Aubrey nodded and kissed her forehead. "As much as I'd love to stay here with you, you need to get back to your room and pack if you want to make it to the bus on time."

Beca's eyes widened as she looked at Aubrey's alarm clock. She had a little over an hour to be at Maverick to catch the bus to the game. She jumped out of the bed much to the amusement of the senior. Beca quickly pulled on a pair of Aubrey's sweats and grabbed her Adidas slippers which were two sizes too big for Beca's petite foot. She leaned over and pecked Aubrey on the lips, "I lo—" She stopped herself, eyes wide with the realization of what she nearly said. The most terrifying part was the fact that it almost came out without her thinking as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "I'll see you later." She said, trying to cover up her blunder as she walked out of the bedroom and out of the apartment.

She shut the door behind her before she turned and rested her forehead against the oak. A smile graced her face as she realized what her utterance meant. What _she_ meant. She spoke the words she thought she'd never say. Aubrey couldn't hear her but just the fact that Beca said it and meant it showed that Aubrey was the one for her. The one who broke through all of her defenses and grabbed her vulnerable heart. That thought didn't make her run for the hills which only confirmed what she said to be true.

"I love you, Bree."

_You had the blue note sapphire eyes, to back up all those gazes  
To pierce my guard and to take my soul off to faraway places  
Told me I'll never be alone, cos you're right there_

Beca carried her gym bag into the living room and deposited it on the couch before spinning on her heels to return to her room to grab her phone and jacket. The sound of knocking stopped her, however, and she sighed. She was already running late as is. She quickly grabbed her phone and jacket, slipping it on as she jogged back into the living room to grab her bag. Whoever was at the door would have to wait until he returned form the game.

She pulled open the door ready to send the guest away but she saw Mary Elise standing there with two cups of coffee and her dismissal died on her lips.

"Hey, I was hoping to catch you before you're game." she said as she handed the cup to the freshman.

Beca accepted it gratefully as she locked her front door. The two brunettes made their way down the stairs and up the hill towards the main campus.

"So I hard tonight's the big game or whatever."

Beca lowed her cup from her lips and smirked, "Yeah, or whatever. It's just the playoffs but it's no big deal." She said wryly causing them both to laugh. However, Mary Elise stopped laughing abruptly and came to a halt.

Beca eyed her friend in confusion. "What's wrong?"

"Something's different." Mary Elise said, stepping in front of the basketball player.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. It's just that you're glowing."

Beca rolled her eyes and scoffed, "I am _not_ glowing."

"Yes you are!" Mary Elise's eyes brightened as she clapped her hands together once in realization. "You're in love."

Beca tried to look affronted but realized she was caught. She shrugged and took another sip of her coffee. "Shut up."

Mary Elise's eyes bugged out in shock. "What! No denial? No sarcastic remark or psychological projection?" she crossed her arms and smirked smugly. "So you've finally admitted you're in love with the blonde?"

Beca raised her eyebrows and glanced over at her friend as she resumed walking. "And if I did?"

Mary Elise jogged to catch up to her. "Then I'd said say Dr. Franklin would be proud. 'Emotions are the highway to recovery'." She imitated.

Beca rolled her eyes again, hating the look of 'I told you so' on the junior's face. "It's all very new. I kinda knew I felt like this for a little while but this morning I actually said it."

"To her?"

"Well no, but soon." She responded.

Mary Elise dropped her empty cup in the garbage can when they arrived at maverick Gym and turned to her friend. "How soon?"

Beca shrugged and scratched the back of her neck nervously. "I—I was thinking tonight after the game. She's been there for me through so much and I want to at least show her that her time with me wasn't for nothing."

"You're not just saying this so that she'll stick around, right?"

Beca shook her head, "No. I love her. I really do."

Mary Elise smiled at her and gave her a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Well I'm glad Beca. Like I said, if anyone deserves love it's you." She reached out to hug Beca but as per usual, Beca dodged it and shoved the junior playfully. "God, you're such a loser."

_We took a gamble with this love, like sailing to the storm  
With the waves rushing over to take us, we were battling against the tide  
You were my beacon of salvation, I was your starlight_

Aubrey printed out the cover page for her thesis and placed it on top of the rest of the paper sitting on the desk. She had told Dr. Callaghan that she planned to forgo submitting her paper to the committee. She was going to hand it in to the professor and hope for the best. Otherwise she hoped Stanford would understand and would be willing to fund her in their PhD program despite being a semester behind. She placed the stack of papers in a presentation folder and carried it, along with her gym bag, into the living room where Chloe waited.

"Ready?" Chloe asked. Aubrey nodded and deposited her paper into her bag. Dr. Callaghan's office was on the way to the gym and she wanted to drop it off and finally put it out of her mind. She pulled on her jacket and picked up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder. Just as she and Chloe were headed out the door her phone rang.

"Hello?"

"_**Miss Posen. I'm so glad I caught you."**_

"Oh, hello professor." She said, handing her keys to Chloe so that she could lock the door. "I was just on my way to your office."

"_**That's why I called. I had a family emergency and had to leave campus. I know you planned to drop off your paper but I'd rather give it to me in person rather than leave it with my TA."**_

Aubrey held in her sigh as she took her keys from Chloe and reopened the door. "I understand I'll just drop it off tomorrow." She said, taking out the folder and placing it on the coffee table before leaving her apartment and locking up once again. So much for ridding herself of the burden that was her senior thesis.

"Yes, that would be great. I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Yes. Have a good day professor"

"You do the same. Good bye."

Aubrey ended the call and put her phone in her pocket as she jogged down the steps to where Chloe stood. The two seniors quickly made their way towards Maverick and over to the large Greyhound bus when they arrived. Aubrey was slightly disappointed that Beca wasn't there yet but hid it and continued towards the bus.

"Bumblebee?"

Aubrey stopped abruptly and turned slowly. There stood Charlie by the side of the bus. If Aubrey was being honest, she hated how good the soccer player looked. She hated how it seemed that their breakup only affected her and Charlie was seemingly unfazed.

"What're you doing here?" Chloe asked before Aubrey could speak. She stepped between the two, crossing her arms in irritation. Aubrey hated when people tried to fight her battles for her but she understood that Chloe realized that Aubrey had finally gained the courage to leave Charlie for good and Aubrey knew that the redhead would be damned if she allowed Charlie to come and try to lure her back in. Chloe had seen it happen before and Aubrey knew that her best friend refused to let it happen again.

Aubrey shook her head and looked at Chloe. "It's ok, chlo. Just get on the bus, I'll be right there."

Chloe frowned, "I'm giving you five minutes before I come back here to get you."

Aubrey nodded and waited until the redhead walked onto the bus before turning back to her ex-girlfriend.

"You heard Chloe. You have five minutes."

Charlie nodded and took a step towards her but Aubrey put out her hand to stop her from coming closer.

The soccer player sighed. "I've missed you, Bumblebee. I've missed you a whole fucking lot and I just wanted to ask if maybe you wanted to get away for spring break. It'll be just us and we can start over. We could go anywhere you want."

Aubrey shook her head. She and Beca had already made plans. It was actually Beca's idea to forgo Cancun with the rest of the team and instead fly to Aubrey's home state and spend their break on the crystal coast. With that in mind, Aubrey looked at Charlie and said something she rarely ever said to the taller girl. "No."

"No?"

"No, Charlie. I don't want to spend my break with you and I'm not taking you back either if that's what you were expecting to come of that. You got the internship so there's no need to stick around."

"Bree, listen. I fucked up. I know that. I—I was drafted. I was picked third overall by Portland and I leave this summer. I guess seeing everything come together and seeing that I'm not a kid anymore, it put everything in perspective. This is my dream, Bree, and I promised you that you'd always be by side when I got to the top. I've been a dumbass these past couple of years but I meant that promise."

"And what of that girl you left me for?"

"Mia? She was just a bit of fun. She didn't love me and I realized I didn't love her. I love _you_, Bree, and being without you these past few months opened my eyes to the fact that _you_ are the woman for me." She pulled her hand and out of her pocket and held out the engagement ring Aubrey hadn't seen since the day she dropped it at Charlie's feet.

Aubrey hesitantly reached out and took the ring, holding it as if it would burn her. There was a time where she wanted nothing more than to be Charlie's wife. To build a home and a family with her. There was a time when her heart would jump with love when she saw Charlie. Now, however, looking at the soccer player and her desperate attempt to salvage any part of their failed relationship, it made Aubrey feel nothing but pity for her. She reached out and placed the ring back in Charlie's pocket and took a step back. "You hurt me." She said.

Charlie's hopeful smile became a scowl as she took another step towards the blonde compelling her to step back in fear. "I apologized! What the hell is the big deal? I made a mistake and I'm trying to make it right."

Aubrey glared at her as she pushed her away. "The 'big deal' is that I gave you my trust. I gave you my virginity…my love…everything I had to give I gave to you and what did I get in return? You and your fucking anger problem…your drinking problem…I endured a lot from you, Charlie, including the wrath of your fist but I stayed because I loved you and I thought you loved me. I risked losing everything by telling my father about you. You took that for granted…you took me for granted." She pulled her bag back onto her shoulder and turned to get on the bus but was stopped by a tight grip on her shoulder.

She cried out in pain as Charlie slammed her against the bus and grabbed her jaw roughly. "I'm not done yet. You don't get to walk away from me."

Aubrey tried to pry Charlies tightening hand away from her face but Charlie wouldn't let go. Aubrey didn't see Beca arrive but she was grateful for the brunette's sudden appearance when she pulled Charlie away. She slammed the soccer player against the bus and pressed her forearm forcefully into Charlie's throat as the two glared at each other with hatred.

"She's done. Walk away. Just walk away," Beca seethed.

Charlie tried to fight but Beca just pressed against her throat harder. Charlie pushed her away and held her throat as she glowered at the short brunette. "This isn't over. Not by a long shot," she yelled as she stomped off.

Beca exhaled harshly as she bent over to pick up her gym bag off the ground. Depositing it in the storage compartment on the side of the bus, she walked over to Aubrey afterwards and asked if she was ok. When the senior nodded Beca offered her hand and the two got on the bus.

Aubrey sat next to the window and Beca climbed in after. She saw the grim expression on her girlfriend's face and knew was the cause was immediately. She laced her fingers with the senior's and leaned over to kiss her red jaw gently. "Don't let her get to you and ruin your mood. She's a poison and she only wants to make you miserable because she is."

Aubrey smiled softly at Beca and nodded. "You're right. I—thanks for saving me."

"It's no big deal. If I can, I will always protect you."

Aubrey placed her hand on Beca's cheek and drew her in for a soft kiss. It was gentle and not meant to work them up. She just wanted to feel Beca. They parted after a few seconds and rested their foreheads against the other as the bus pulled away from the gym. No words were said but a million things were communicated in their silence.

"I need to tell you something." Beca told the blonde as she gently rubbed Aubrey's jaw with the pad of her thumb in an attempt to soothe the tender skin.

"What is it?"

Beca shook her head and smirked. "Not now. After the game. Consider it an incentive to stop being such a chicken shit and shoot the ball."

Aubrey rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless. Their moment was interrupted by Coach Abernathy as she stood in the aisle.

"Alright ladies. I've been reviewing the tapes of Delaware's last game and I've decided that I'm starting Beca as lead point and Aubrey you're gonna drop down to the wing."

Beca looked down at Aubrey whose head rested on her shoulder and made a funny face to tease her about Abernathy's decision. Aubrey rolled her eyes playfully and turned her attention back to their coach.

"Beca we're gonna primarily run 'Lightning'. I wanna tire this team out. I'm not trying to have a high scoring game. We will pass and pass and pass until their defense breaks down and you'll hand it off to our wings. Aubrey, for the love of god, please shoot the ball."

Everyone burst into laughter including Beca as Aubrey hid her face in the crook of Beca's neck in embarrassment.

Beca kissed the top of her head, "Don't worry Bree, you're gonna do just find. You're number one fan will be right there cheering you on."

Aubrey looked up at Beca and kissed her with as much passion as she could muster because she knew that despite the fact that Beca had yet to tell her she loved her, Aubrey believed that what the brunette felt for her was a cobblestone on the road to love. Aubrey honestly believed that they were in this for the long haul. There were each other's biggest fan and strongest life line and she was sure that together they could overcome anything.

_So don't cry for your love, cry tears of joy  
Cos you're alive cradled in love  
Don't cry for your love, cry tears of joy  
Cos you're alive cradled in love_

This was game three of the playoffs and Beca felt the pressure despite the fact that she'd been in this positon before, albeit was high school and not college level basketball. It was reckless to promise Chloe that she'd get them back to the finals but it was a promise nonetheless and she would try her hardest to keep it. Delaware State University was a tough team and didn't mind playing dirty to secure a win. They'd mastered the art of underhanded tricks all without catching the attention of the referee or getting into foul trouble.

The warning buzzard rang to alert everyone that the game was beginning in two minutes and Beca looked down to make sure her jersey was tucked in and that her sneakers were tied. A stray ball rolled past her and she saw a referee jogging over to her. She gestured to him that she'd get it before jogging over to the tunnel that led off the court to the lock rooms to follow the stray ball.

"Ahh, there you go you little bastard." She mumbled as she scooped up the orange sphere.

"Blackbird, Blackbird singing the blues all day night outside my door."

Beca froze instantly as the melody reached her ears. This had to be some sick joke played on her by her imagination to psych her out about the game. Yes, that had to be it.

Beca stood up straight and slowly turned around.

No!

No, no it wasn't a joke. She was here. Again.

"Lovely haircut, Rebeca. It suits you." Julia said taking the final steps separating her from the younger woman. She reached out and raked her hand through the dark brown tresses atop Beca's head.  
"Although, it doesn't give a woman much to grab on to."

Beca stood paralyzed as Julia's brown eyes gazed intensely into hers and for a moment Beca was for a split second once again the eight year old who desperately wanted love and was willing to do anything to receive it. However, as quickly as the feeling came it soon disappeared and Beca realized that she was no longer that little girl. Little Rebeca's wounds had become scars in the last decade but those scars made her much strong than her adolescent self. Julia no longer had her hand on a leash around Beca's neck and could no longer control her with simple words and promises whispered in her ears.

"That was the point." She said, pushing Julia way. She ignored the hurt look Julia gave her and watched as the older woman hid it and replaced it with an arrogant countenance—something she did to convince others that she was unaffected by something that actually bothered her a great deal.

"What are you doing here?"

Julia crossed her arms and shrugged. "I was asked to make the move down here sooner and since Roosevelt's season ended I figured why not."

"That still doesn't explain why you are _here_ in this gym."

"I heard there was a game tonight and since it was only a twenty minute drive, I decided to come. Plus I needed to see how Barden was treating my favorite player. I would hate to see them wasting your talent."

"And what, you think you did a better job?"

Hurt flashed across the older woman's face before she narrowed her eyes and said, "Yes. I saw something in you when you were just a little girl. You and I both know that I helped foster you into the player you are today. You shouldn't be wasting your time on this amateur team."

"So you think HLU is better?"

"Maybe, maybe not. Next season will tell but I would love it if you would join me. I'm sure I could expedite the transfer process."

Beca scoffed, and turned away from Julia to walk away. The older woman stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Beca's waist to stop her from leaving and kissed her shoulder blade. "Don't you miss me, Blackbird? Don't you miss how close we were?"

Beca shook her head and closed her eyes praying that this was all just a terrible dream that she had yet to wake up from. She tried to remain strong and stand up for herself but she was slowly losing her resolve. "No…no you can't be here." She said once she felt the older woman's lips on her skin. Beca stepped out of her grasp and turned to face the smirking woman.

"I _am _here, Rebeca. And now," she looked past Beca over to where Aubrey stood laughing at something Chloe had said. "I can keep an eye on you." She reached out and ran her hand through Beca's hair again, smiling when Beca's eyes closed involuntarily at the feeling. "And do you want to know the best part? I'll get to see you play again…you remember what it did to me, seeing you on the court, don't you? It'll be like old times, Blackbird."

Beca shoved her hand away, "Please can you just leave. Please!" she pleaded. It was humiliating begging but she _really needed_ her to leave. Just the thought of her being out there lost in a sea thousands of faces watching her without Beca knowing where she was made bile rise in her throat. Julia leaned forward and kissed Beca at the corner of her mouth before whispering in the younger girl's ear, "Good luck, Blackbird."

The buzzard sounded and Beca remembered the game was about to begin. A game she was to start at lead point. She watched Julia disappear down the tunnel and she tried to push away the grim feeling overtaking her as she too proceeded back into the stadium.

The jump ball took place a minute later. Stacie being the tallest member on the team met the DSU player in the middle. The referee threw up the ball and the tall brunette slapped the ball directly into Beca's hand. The freshman took steady breaths in an attempt to calm down as she looked at Coach Abernathy and then the four girls setting up on the court waiting on her.

She could do this.

She just had to block out Julia—at least for the next two hours. She dribbled up towards the top of the key calling out "Lightning." And just as she pivoted to pass the ball to Chloe, she saw her. Standing in the crowd, everyone fading to background as if a spotlight were on her. Julia smirked and winked at her.

No, she couldn't do this.

_Julia reached over and pushed the gear shift forward to put the car in park. Beca looked around her and could see they were a few blocks from school. Julia had always dropped her off on this street so that no one would see them arrive together. Beca didn't quite understand the logic behind that since their living arrangement was known by the entire basketball team who were notorious gossips. Julia removed her seatbelt and turned to look at the fourteen year old in the passenger seat. "Do you remember what you promised me?"_

_Beca turned her head from watching the cars pass by outside her window to focus on her hands as she fumbled with them sadly. She gave a curt nod._

"_Good." She reached out and smoothed out a stubborn curl in Beca's otherwise neat ponytail. "I really love you, Rebeca. I hope you know that."_

_Beca didn't look up as she said, "I do," and she meant it. She knew that what her coach spoke was true. Beca knew that Julia, in her own sick and twisted way, truly believed everything she did to Beca was an extension of her love for the young teen. Just remembering how much Julia 'loved' her that past weekend made Beca wish for Julia's hatred. _

_She went to homecoming with Kelly that Friday and by midnight she was under an inebriated Julia as the older woman thrust into her with wild abandon using the toy she bought just for her 'special little bird'. Her jealous rage was brought on by Beca's failure to give in to Julia's attempts to get her to forgo her date with Kelly. After Julia finally came and rolled off of her, Beca had demanded that Julia never touch her again and when the older woman saw that Beca wasn't going to change her mind she left her alone for the remainder of the night. Beca was stupid to believe that Julia would listen permanently. She awoke the next morning to Julia between her legs trying to 'apologize' for the night before. By the time Saturday night arrived she was sore physically and mentally so much so that she promised that she'd end her friendship with Kelly. Her attention was brought back to the present by Julia's poisonous touch._

_She watched as Julia's hand skimmed across her lap before disappearing under her slate gray uniform skirt._

"_Do you love me?" Julia asked in that irritatingly needy voce she adopted every so often when she felt Beca was pulling too far away emotionally. Beca found it highly ironic that such an attractive and accomplished woman had such a low self-esteem and feared being rejected by a fourteen year old. Oh how Beca pitied Julia which was a paradoxical circumstance since the older woman wasn't the one who spent majority of the past weekend with her face between the thighs of someone she hated more than Satan himself._

_As Julia questioned her love for the umpteenth time Beca internally screamed _**'No, I hate you! I fucking hate you so much!'**

_It ran through her head like a steady hum but she found herself saying what she'd been conditioned and _**trained**_ to say. "Yes, I love you Julia." She remained quiet as the older woman's fingers ghosted over the seat of her underwear teasing her still _**very**_ sore genitals that were tender due to their weekend activities despite Julia's insistence upon helping alleviate the ache with her mouth._

"_I had such a wonderful time this weekend._ _Isn't it so much more fun when you just relax and enjoy yourself?" _

_Beca nodded hoping it would act as some supernatural force to push Julia's hand away._

"_Did you enjoy yourself?"_

'**No. I hated every minute of it'**_ she thought but muttered "Yes."_

_Why was Julia asking? It was almost as if she were trying to make herself feel better about her actions. Julia's face lit up when Beca answered and she quickly retracted her hand to pull Beca into a hug. "I just want things to go back to the way they were." She softly spoke as she rested her head on the teen's shoulder._

_Beca rolled her eyes and couldn't help but think with bitter resentment. _**''Back to the way things were? When I was ignorant to the fact that what we were doing was wrong? Back when I didn't realize how much of a controlling, manipulative bitch you were?' **_She didn't voice her__opinion, however. The last time she'd done so, she was booted out of Julia's life to starve at home. Not wanting a repeat, she remained silent while Julia embraced her, tightening her hold on the fourteen year old along the way. She buried her face in the crook of Beca's neck as she said, "Rebeca, I'm never going to let you go. It's you and me, remember? Please remember that always."_

Beca didn't remember the first quarter of the game passing or when the second began. It was only when she looked up and saw that DSU had a hefty ten point lead did she realize that she was possibly destroying any chance Barden had at advancing in the tournament. Beca was on defense and she knew she needed to push Julia out of her mind and focus on the player trying to dribble past her. She sighed when the DSU player succeeded and scored again.

Aubrey noticed right away something was wrong with her girlfriend and it wasn't the look of terror on her face that told. Aubrey saw it in the way her game was affected and how Beca wouldn't look up from her feet as if avoiding making eye contact. She watched as Beca pulled up and missed yet another shot. Aubrey didn't think she'd ever seen the brunette play this badly including the games where Beca was drunk. She jogged up beside her as they transitioned onto defense and placed her hand on her shoulder to ask what was wrong but Beca shrugged her away, looking out to the stands in fear. Aubrey sighed and tried to find what the brunette saw. When she saw _Her_ standing in the crowd Aubrey wanted to run over and strangle her for having the audacity to show up here. Abernathy called a timeout and Aubrey knew she needed to tell coach in hopes of having the woman removed from the building or at least giving Beca some time to leave the game and go clear her head.

Abernathy yelled at Beca for her terrible playing and Aubrey watched as her girlfriend stood there numbly. She doubted Beca heard anything Abernathy said. There were two minutes left in the half and the coach sent the starting five back in telling them to finish out the half strong.

Aubrey waited for everyone to leave before approaching the older blonde. "Coach, I need to talk to you."

Abernathy shook her head, not looking up from her playbook, "Not now Aubrey. I need you to get back out there. Whatever it is you need to tell me can wait until halftime."

Aubrey opened her mouth to protest but the referee's whistle stopped her and forced her to return to the court. They weren't in for a minute before Beca drew her third foul and Abernathy benched her for the remainder of the time. Barden exited the half down by fifteen.

"What the hell Beca!" Abernathy hollered at the small brunette who didn't even look up from where she hid her face in her jersey.

Beca tried to calm down and all the while hide the panic attack she was having as she fought her inner voice that berated her for being weak and giving in to Julia. Julia wanted her to mess up tonight in hopes of being able to coax Beca into transferring to HLU. She knew the others were concerned with her troubling behavior—Aubrey especially, but Beca was too preoccupied with staying present that she didn't care.

She took another ragged breath hoping the extra oxygen would clear the haze over her mind but as darkness descended like a curtain she could only cry again.

"_Hey tiny mouse, wanna head to lunch together?" Beca heard Kelly say as she approached her at her locker. She had avoided the senior all day just to prolong doing what Julia asked. Beca didn't want to end the friendship and for a moment she planned to disregard what the older woman asked but—as if she had camera around to track Beca's every movement—Julia walked down the hallway and into her classroom which 'coincidently' was placed right across from Beca's locker._

_She really wanted to keep Kelly in her life because she was the only sense of normality that the fourteen year old possessed. But, simultaneously, a part of Beca knew Julia was right—although her reasons were more selfish. Beca realized that she was a poison and that her life was fucked up—that _**she**_ was fucked up and she couldn't drag Kelly down with her despite how happy the older girl made her._

_So, with a deep breath, she looked up at the senior, her heart breaking at the hopeful smile on her face, as she told her she didn't think it was a good idea for them to be friends anymore._

_Kelly frowned, "I don't understand. Why don't you want to hang out?"_

_Beca looked away, unable to look into Kelly's sad eyes. "I just—you're about to go away to college soon and I just—I think it's best if we distance ourselves now," she lied._

_She could hear the anger in Kelly's voice as the senior said, "That's bullshit. I know you're only saying this because of coach."_

"_No I—no I'm not. I'm doing this because _**want **_to." Beca wondered if her voice was as convincing as she hoped it was._

"_Is that why you can't even look at me now? I don't know what type of hold she has on you but you don't have to let her control you. I know she gave you shelter and food and clothes because of what's going on at home but she can't hold that over your head to make you do what she wants."_

_Beca bitterly thought, 'If you only knew _**what**_ she wanted me to do,' as tears fell from her eyes before she could stop them. She looked at up at Kelly and whispered, "I'm sorry."_

_The concerned look on the senior's face at seeing her cry quickly morphed into anger. She quickly turned on her heels and walked to Julia's classroom. Beca ran over to the senior the moment Kelly used her foot to angrily bang on the door._

"_Stop!" she begged but Kelly continued to kick._

"_I'm not going to let that bitch bully you into breaking us up, even if I have to pay the price in practice."_

_Beca could see that Kelly truly meant it and stopped trying to pull her away from the door. She watched as Kelly banged her foot against the door and couldn't help but wonder why there was so much animosity between the two—animosity that she knew existed before Beca entered the picture. Julia, before Friday, tried to discourage her friendship with Kelly and limited the amount of time they spent together. She always succeeded in that regard but she failed in preventing Beca from going to homecoming with Kelly. They had a wonderful time at the dance and Beca knew that Kelly liked her romantically. She just wished that the senior would understand that she couldn't fight Julia. The woman's sphere of influence was frighteningly immense and Beca didn't want her only true friend to get hurt trying to save her. Especially when Beca was too far out into the sea to be saved._

_The door opened and an angry Julia appeared wondering who the cause of the loud noise was. When she saw the two and noticed that Beca was crying she immediately trained her eyes on the fuming senior. "What's the meaning of this?"_

_Kelly glared at her. "Beca and I had a great time at homecoming Friday and suddenly, after spending the weekend with you, she doesn't want to be with me anymore."_

_Beca knew Kelly implying that they were 'together' as anything more than friends would only anger Julia more. Hearing the venom in her voice as she spoke to the senior, Beca knew she was right._

"_What are you implying? _

"_I'm not implying anything. I just want to know what you are holding over her head that she believes she has to possess this unwavering loyalty to you."_

_Beca had to hand it to her. Kelly didn't back down. Not even when Julia took a step towards her and seethed, "I suggest you watch your tone Miss Da Silva. And for the record, I'm not holding anything over her head. If she prefers being in my home than in the company of you and your band of idiots, that's her prerogative."_

_Beca knew Julia was pissed. Whenever she was this angry she became defensive and slightly childish. Hence, the jab at Kelly and her friends._

"_That's bullshit and you know it!"_

"_In my office now!" Julia hollered._

_Kelly glared at her before turning around abruptly to look at Beca. Her expression softened at the sight of the crying girl as she said, "She's not going to win. Not on this," before stomping away in the direction of Julia's office by the gym._

_Beca looked over at Julia as she ran a hand through her hair to calm down. She could feel more tears coming and took off towards the bathroom hoping to get away from Julia. She might not be able to be around Kelly but that didn't mean she had to spend more time with Julia. She walked to a sink and allowed her tears to flow freely for everything she sacrificed and lost because of her. And when Julia entered the bathroom a few moment later Beca cried harder. Kelly didn't understand. Julia _**would**_ win. Especially on this subject. She always did._

_Julia attempted to take Beca despite her fighting and pushing her away. Beca didn't want her to touch her or comfort her but she soon grew weary and tired, eventually giving in and breaking down._

"_I know it was hard, baby. I know it was, but you'll be better off because of it."_

_Beca didn't know what to think anymore and just allowed Julia to hold her closer. When the older woman finally let her go, instructing her to go to lunch while she handled Kelly, Beca realized she needed to find a way out. Even if death was the only route._

Abernathy continued to lay into her for her poor decision making and before Beca knew it, she was yelling "Fuck this game," and then getting up and storming out.

Aubrey watched Beca leave before standing and looking at the coach who stood astonished in the middle of the room. "Coach, there's something seriously wrong. We need to find Beca."

Coach Abernethy sighed. "No, I'll go. You ladies go out there and shoot around. I'll be back."

Beca stood at the end of the tunnel resting against the wall to catch her breath. She felt like she was drowning. Her heart beat was steadily speeding up, in the way it did during a game. However, she was just standing here doing very minimal moving. She tried to focus on clearing her head so that she could return to the game but soon her mind involuntarily began to conjure up thoughts that she wanted to avoid. Losing her virginity, the night Julia invited the mystery woman into her bed, the way Mr. Robert looked at her as he packed his things, the sound of Julia's moans. She had no control over why she was thinking these things, they just happened suddenly, bombarding her with unwanted thoughts. The feeling was crippling. Her heart sped up again, a very rapid and pounding thump that seemed to reach her ears. Her breath, once ragged, now came out in short gasps and she tried desperately to control and elongate them. She looked at her hands as they lay against the wall in front of her trembling while sweat ran down her body. She gave up on focusing on her breathing because it seemed to only make things worse and she instead tried to push the thoughts out of her mind.

"_Love me, Blackbird. Yes, like that. Harder."_

"_It's what grownups do but you're special so I want to do it with you. I'll be gentle. I promise."_

The same thoughts kept recycling through her mind and despite her attempt to reign them in, she couldn't. She lost control of them as well as the physical effects they had on her body.

"Beca."

She didn't look up, paralyzed as she heard Coach Abernathy coming towards her. "Leave me alone," she gasped, her eyes slipping shut. She felt on the verge of collapsing.

"No. Not until you tell me what's your problem."

Beca pushed off the wall onto unsteady feet and wiped at her eyes. For a moment she felt the anxiety receding. She hoped it would stay at bay long enough for her to get Abernathy to leave. "You just don't get it. She was out there. She was watching me."

"What're you talking about? Why did you purposely mess up our chances at the championship?"

Beca scoffed as more tears fell. "There's more to life than basketball and there are things definitely more important than this damn game."

Abernathy walked closer, concerned by her point guards behavior. "What do you mean? Who's watching you?"

"The woman who molested—raped me—is out there. She's out there and…" The trembling in her hand began again and suddenly her lungs felt like they were stuck in a dryer. She needed to leave before it started again. "I need to go." She took off towards the exit pushing the door open and running out into the pouring rain. She quickly pulled off the jersey that felt like a noose around her ribcage and threw it behind her as she took off.

_I kept the love you gave me alive, and now I carry it with me  
I know it's just a tear drop from mother earth, but in it I can hear a dolphin sing  
Telling me I'll never be alone, I know you're right there_

_So with the fire still burning bright, I wanna gaze into your light  
If I could see my fortune there, you know how flames can hypnotize  
Do I even dare to speak out your name for fear it sounds like, like a lover_

The razor slipped from between her fingers, the blood dripping down her hand coating them and making it harder to hold the metal blade. She didn't want to drink and disappoint Aubrey although she terribly missed the alcoholic burn of vodka and whiskey. That's why she didn't go home and instead went to Aubrey and Chloe's place. At least here she didn't risk accidently finding one of the bottles of liquor she might have forgotten she'd hidden somewhere in the apartment. Still, she really needed something to take the edge off and if she couldn't have liquor she'd have to settle for this. At least she could hide the evidence of this until they faded and blended with her past scars.

Julia fucking Matthews. She was like a ghost that wouldn't pass on or a corpse that wouldn't stay buried. Beca couldn't do this any longer—pretending that everything was ok, that _she _was ok because she wasn't. Tonight Aubrey was going to come home and Beca would tell her she loved her. After that Beca was going to finish out the year and leave Georgia. She knew Aubrey had been accepted in to a great Psychology PhD program at Stanford and Beca knew that would provide her with the perfect opportunity to get away from Julia once and for all.

After dropping the razor for what had to be the tenth time, she placed it dejectedly onto the napkin she had set out on the coffee table. If she were at home she would have simply just thrown the razor but seeing as she wasn't home and instead in Aubrey's apartment she couldn't leave the tools of her self-mutilation around. She tightened her fist willing more blood to push past the openings of her wound. It gave her a sick sense of accomplishment. She felt bad that she essentially abandoned the team but she could only take so much of Abernathy screaming at her over something so trivial when compared to what Beca was battling.

She used one of the various napkins on the table holding it over her wounds to curtail some of the blood. She felt the weight on her heard lifting and the desire to hurt herself was lessening with every breath she took. She reached out for another napkin, cursing lightly when a drop of blood landed on a plastic folder. Quickly picking it up to remove the blood, she paused when the title, neatly printed on the front caught her attention.

'_The Tragic Life of a Beautiful Child_ by Aubrey Posen. A senior thesis to be submitted to the Department of Psychology of Barden University in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Degree of Bachelor of Science in the field of Psychology.'

_So don't cry for your love, cry tears of joy  
Cos you're alive cradled in love  
Don't cry for your love, cry tears of joy  
Cos you're alive_

_Cradled in love_


	29. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

**Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy **

_Dear Beca,_

_I hope the earth swallows you whole. I know you're tired of fighting and I know you tired of defending yourself as you spiral downward. I'm telling you to just give up. I'm telling you it's ok to not fight and to stay down on the ground when you've been knocked down. Beca, it's ok to die._

Beca dropped the bloody napkins in her hand, no longer concerned with the fact that blood was still running down her arms. Her sole focus was on the presentation folder in her hand. She tentatively opened it to the first page after the title page and began to read, each word incensing her the further she read.

'**The subject of this thesis, Subject B, is a twenty year old female who suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as Dissociative Amnesia as the result of childhood sexual abuse endured from the age of eight years old until seventeen years old. Subject B relocated away from her abuser and went on to attempt suicide eleven months later. Subject B's experience as well as her resulting trauma and mental state are under examination in this essay and will be used to demonstrate how Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder affects rape and sexual assault victims.'**

_Beca's eyes fought against her as she tried to focus them. Julia said she had a surprise for her and she didn't want to miss it. The nine year old loved surprises even if she hadn't experienced many positive ones in her lifetime._

"_Are you ready, Blackbird?" She heard Julia call from where she stood out of sight in her walk in closet._

"_Yup," she slurred. Beca didn't even know why she insisted on asking Julia to share her wine with her because it only served to make her dizzy and happy and fuzzy on the inside. Not to mention the lack of memories and headache she usually awoke with the next morning were anything but fun. It's just that she saw Julia with her glass and Beca wanted to appear grown up so she asked for some. It wasn't the first time the older woman had allowed her some wine but this was the first time she actually poured Beca a glass for herself, a look of relief on her face as if she were glad Beca had asked. _

_Beca rubbed at her dry eyes as Julia appeared in the archway of her closet in an onyx robe that was opened to reveal deep crimson lingerie. She stared as Julia placed her hand on the archway, allowing the silk robe to fall off her shoulders slightly._

"_Do you like it?" she asked, biting her lip anxiously._

_Beca rubbed at her eyes again, her head bobbing up and down as she did so. "It's like the clothes the pretty women wear at the store in the mall."_

_Julia smiled as her as she stepped into the bedroom. "It is." _

_Beca watched Julia through half-lidded eyes as the older woman picked up her glass of wine from the side table and crawled onto the bed over to where Beca sat in the middle with her legs folded. Beca looked up when Julia stopped to kneel on her knees in front of the young girl._

"_I saw it and thought about getting it for Robert since we've been fighting a lot as of lately but I thought that you deserved it _**so much more.**_" She raised the glass but instead of taking a drink herself, like Beca expected, she lifted it to Beca's lips. "Drink up, honey." She instructed. _

_Beca looked at her to make sure Julia wanted her to really finish off the half glass of wine. When she received a head nod in confirmation she took the glass in her hands, holding the wine glass by bowl as she gulped down the rest of the light gold liquid. _

_Julia took the glass from her and placed it somewhere Beca didn't see because she was far too concerned with not falling over. Light kisses were placed on her jaw and neck as nimble fingers glided under her tank top and over her stomach._

_The tattoo that Julia had her get at her last meeting was still sore and she flinched lightly when Julia's fingers brushed against it. Beca was just glad that they gave her some weird medicine that put her to sleep when they marked her because she had that the procedure had hurt terribly._

"_Robert is gone for the _**entire**_ weekend and we can play without interruption. It has felt like an eternity since we've been together. Have you been as anxious as me?" she husked in the young girl's ear before taking the lobe between her teeth._

_Beca wasn't sure what Julia meant. She knew her mommy and daddy didn't get along and that's why her daddy left—or so she thought—but weren't husband wife supposed to love each other? At least that's what all the movies said. Mr. Robert was really nice and she really liked having him around. They'd play video games together and he even took her to a WNBA game before. Why did Julia not want her husband around? She was confused but nodded nonetheless. Seeing Julia's bright smile, she knew she'd answered correctly._

"_Me too. I've been looking forward to his business trip since he told me about." Beca kept her eyes on Julia as her coach got back up on her knees allowing her robe to slip down her arms and off her body. Her bottom lip was nestled between her teeth—something Beca thought must have hurt terribly with how hard she was biting it—as she ran her hand down her bare abdomen, sliding it down further until it disappeared into her underwear only to immerge a few seconds later. Beca watched as her Julia brought her index and middle finger—both glistening in the light from the lamp behind her—to her mouth and the nine year old's instinct was to push her away. _

_Julia, however, cupped her chin in the way a mother does her child's when he refused to eat the spoonful of mushed peas she was trying to feed him. 'Uh uh, open up."_

_Beca reluctantly did as instructed, noticing that when Julia's fingers entered her mouth that the black part of Julia's eyes got larger, overtaking the brown that was normally visible. _

"_Taste me." She purred._

_Beca wasn't quite sure when her shirt was removed or her shorts but before she knew it, she was on her back looking up at Julia, the older woman straddling her as she removed her bra. Why did she take the time to put on the fancy underwear if he only going to take it off minutes later? Sometimes Beca really didn't understand the older woman._

"_Remember, honey. This is our little secret."_

"_Wh—why?" Beca slurred._

"_Because they won't understand Rebeca." She leaned over and kissed the intoxicated girl below her before leaning back slightly so that she could look Beca in her eyes as she spoke. "They will take what we have—our love—and twist it and make it dirty. They'll shame and cage me for loving you and they'll guilt you and make you insecure for loving me in return."_

"_That—that doesn't sound fun."_

"_It isn't." she said. Beca thought she heard Julia mumble "I would know," but it was such a faint whisper Beca knew she had imagined it. Maybe nine years olds really weren't supposed to drink wine because it did this to them._

"_So, do you promise to keep our secret?" Julia asked as she began to rock her hips, taking Beca's hands and placing them around her waist while she continued her movement. Beca was terribly curious as to why Julia always asked this before their games. She had thought on several occasions to ask but Julia hadn't done anything to lead her astray before. So, she had no reason not to trust her. Groaning at a funny sensation that shot through her, Beca nodded. _

"_I promise."_

Beca felt like she was on fire as she read through Aubrey's paper. Everything she told her—confided in her—was here, written in evenly typed letters for the world to see. She dropped the stack of papers onto the couch next to her, sitting back as laughter erupted from her at the absurdity of the situation she found herself in.

She could still hear Aubrey as she made promises to Beca that the brunette actually believed.

"_No matter what, I'll always be here."_

"_I—I hope I'm not overstepping a boundary, but I —I really care about you Beca."_

"_I think you are perfect the way you are."_

"_I am asking you to just trust that I won't ever intentionally hurt you."_

She almost bought it. She almost thought everything she had ever come to think about the world was wrong. That maybe she wasn't beyond saving. That she could be loved and that she could love in return. _That she could love Aubrey. _

But no, she was right. Humans were innately selfish and Aubrey proved that more than anyone else. It was a tragedy too since Beca had finally admitted to herself that she was in love with her.

The door rattled causing her to look up and she quickly pushed the pile of papers under one of the throw pillows just as the door opened.

"Oh God, Beca! We were so worried." Aubrey said, immediately crossing the room with Beca's gym bag in her hand to join her on the couch. "I saw Julia at the game and then you didn't answer your phone and we found your jersey. God, Beca I was out of my mind with worry."

Beca scoffed as she stood up, mumbling, "As if you really care."

"What?"

"Nothing." She looked over to where Chloe stood by the door taking off her jacket, wet from the rain. "Did you win?" she asked.

"Beca, it doesn't mat—"

"Just tell me." She tried to remain calm and not give away the anger she felt. The betrayal. The _heartbreak_. But it was so hard seeing Aubrey look her in her face as if she really loved her. As if she truly meant it when she said Beca could trust her. She heard Aubrey sigh behind her as the blonde said, "No. after you left it just—no one was really motivated to play anymore."

"Even coach kinda seemed to be lost in her head." Chloe chimed in, walking over to where they were and taking a seat on one of the chairs in the connecting kitchen.

Beca sat down on the couch with a defeated sigh. The last thing she needed was to add guilt on top of everything else she felt. The rest of the team didn't deserve to lose. They weren't the ones who took every bit of trust she'd ever given them and spit upon it.

No, that was just Aubrey.

As her face rested in her hands she tried to calm down but the fury was spreading like a wildfire. Everything she worked on to change about herself she felt crumbling because the woman she wanted to change for had hurt her more than anyone had ever done before. Julia hurt her in insurmountable ways but Beca had never given the older woman her heart. She gave it to Aubrey. Never had she, in her twenty years of life, loved anyone like this. Only Aubrey. And what did she get in return?

A broken heart.

A fucking broken heart that she felt shattering like the rest of herself around it.

A gentle hand rested on her shoulder and Beca shrugged it away. She could feel the walls around her heart rebuilding at lightning speed and when Aubrey begged her to not shut her out and to "Please talk to me," Beca responded as if the transformation she had made in the past eight months hadn't happened.

"Do. Not. Fucking touch me." She hissed, looking up at Aubrey, her eyes red and water with tears of ire.

Aubrey pulled her hand away and recoiled at her girlfriend's anger. "What's wrong, Beca?"

"Don't you mean Subject B?" she retorted. She snatched the folder from where she'd hidden it and stood, immediately flipping to the page that had incited her rage the most.

"_Subject B casually refers to the abuse as sex, as well as sympathizing with her abuser pointing to signs of Stockholm syndrome."_

Aubrey realized immediately what was in Beca's hands. Apparently Chloe did as well because the redhead tried to get Beca to calm down but she ignored all attempts by her as she clutched the folder tighter.

"Oh, no wait." She said looking over at Chloe with a smirk. "This is my favorite part, Chlo, you're gonna _love_ this. Listen_, 'Not only does Subject B exhibit childlike behavior and emotional immaturity, her bedroom and the significance of children's memorabilia suggests that she is trying desperately to cling to the past or salvage a destroyed childhood.'_" The amused grin on her face transformed into a scowl within seconds as she harshly threw the folder at Aubrey, not caring if she hurt her in the process.

"I'm not some fucking case study! I—I told you about real stuff—shit those bastards that wrote those books know _nothing_ about and you're—you were just using me for your fucking paper! "

Aubrey stood up, knowing that there wasn't anything she could really say to Beca to calm her down. She looked at Chloe, who stood watching the scene quietly before looking back at the brunette in front of her.

"Beca, I'm so so—"

"Save it! Just fucking save it!" Beca screamed. "I knew—I _knew_ it was too good to be true. I knew you'd fuck up like everyone else and yet—I still let you in." She looked away as she wiped at her eyes in anger. "And to think I almost told you I…well at least you finished your paper, huh?"

She quickly grabbed her bag and stormed past her _ex-girlfriend_, ignoring Aubrey's attempts to stop her. She pulled open the door, a cold mist from the pouring rain greeting her.

"Beca, don't go!" Aubrey cried.

Beca hated that Aubrey's distress still affected her and despite her better judgment, she stopped. The part of her that still loved Aubrey told her to stay and listen to what she had to say—hoping that she had a _valid_ reason for inflicting this pain—but her brain told her she didn't need to turn around. No, she wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing how much she had hurt her now that tears were streaming parallel to the rain from the sky.

"And why should I stay?"

"Because I love you!" was the desperate cry.

Beca scoffed, turning slightly to look at Aubrey as the senior sobbed. "Doesn't mean I can trust you does it?"

She walked out the door and slammed it behind her. She wiped at her eyes as she descended the stairs, which was redundant considering the water coming down around her. Pulling the strap of her bag further onto her shoulder she began the track to her apartment not caring that she was getting soaked.

"I told you this wasn't over." She heard growled behind her, halting her in her tracks. She dropped her bag and slowly turned around with a satisfied smile. As she said before, she hated being the victim of sadness and the only way she knew how to regain control was violence. If Charlie wanted to fight, then Beca was going to fight. She pushed the soccer player and the tall senior quickly retaliated with a right punch to Beca's jaw, knocking her slightly off balance which almost brought her down due to the slippery sidewalk. Beca clenched her fist and rammed it into Charlie's stomach. The quick blow doubled her over and left her open to another attack. Beca obliged her and followed up with another blow to Charlie's left cheek.

She felt tears leaking out of her eyes as she and the senior brawled on the abandoned street. She loved Aubrey. She whole heartedly loved her and she hated her for doing this to her. Why in the fuck did Aubrey stick around, hold her when she was scared and wipe her eyes when she cried? Why did she make Beca love her?

Beca was pulled off her feet violently when Charlie grabbed her by the waist and slammed her to the ground before pouncing on to her. Beca held her hands up to block the onslaught of punches as she tried to ignore the painful throb in her chest.

Charlie grabbed the collar of her shirt, lifting her up as she hollered, "Aubrey was _mine_ before you came along." She punched Beca before releasing her shirt and sending the brunette back to the ground, her head hitting the concrete with a thud.

Beca reached up, the rain coming down on them pouring into her eyes and making it hard to see. She pushed her thumbs into Charlie's eyes and when the senior grabbed her face Beca took the chance to roll them over. She sat up kneeling on her right knee over the senior. She grabbed a hold of the soccer player's face, lifting up Charlie's head before bringing forward her own and sending it straight into the senior's nose. The blood that appeared spurred her on as she continued her assault.

Right punch.

Left punch.

Right punch.

Left punch.

Right, left, right, left.

The only thing that coursed through her tunneled mind hummed like a mantra as she lost sight of the fact that Charlie was no longer moving under her.

'_I hate you, Aubrey! I hate you, Aubrey! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I fucking hate you!' _This hatred looped through her mind. It coursed through her veins, drummed in her ears, flashed across her eyes, and pulsed out of heart which was why she didn't understand why the words, "I love you, Aubrey," slipped out.

"Well she doesn't love you." Charlie spat out weakly. "She loves _me_. She was going to marry _me._ You ruined everything!"

Beca looked down at her as if she had suddenly sprouted a second head. Realization sprang upon the small brunette, startling her and causing her fist to pause mid-air. It was only after hearing the older girl's words did she become aware of the fact that this fight wasn't about past grudges. It wasn't even about them. Charlie was fighting for Aubrey's heart—something Beca no longer wanted. Charlie could have everything pertaining to the blonde. And it was with this realization that she climbed off the battered woman underneath her and stood up.

She looked down at Charlie's bloodied and bruised body and saw that she might have nearly killed her if she hadn't stopped when she did. She ran a bloodied hand over her face as she choked out, "Oh God."

Her hands came up to fold above her head as she turned around, walking away. She heard Charlie weakly demand that she come back so that they could finish what they started despite being in no position to continue. It was already done. There was nothing left for her to fight for.

Nothing.

_I hear a voice say, "Don't be so blind."  
it's telling me all these things  
that you would probably hide  
am I your one and only desire?  
am I the reason you breathe?  
or am I the reason you cry?_

Beca leaned against the wall as she waited for Jesse to answer his door. She was having a bit of a hard time remaining vertical. Okay, so she was having _more_ than a hard time but it wasn't anything she wasn't used to. She peeked into her gym bag where Biscuit was nestled, pawing at the silver glass bottle inside, gnawing on the blue cap in an attempt to get it off. She knew it was cramped in the gym bag with him, the two bottles, and the black box she had stored inside. "Sorry, bud."

"Beca?" Jesse asked through a yawn when he opened his door and saw her.

"Y—yeah, Jess. I need—I need you to watch Biscuit." She reached into her bag and pulled out the dachshund.

Jesse took the dog in confusion as she appraised the girl in front of him. "Are you drunk?"

"Nope." She said, inadvertently emphasizing the P. "I'm just buzzed." She had went home to change and had only three (or was it four?) shots. No, she definitely wasn't drunk.

"What happened to your face? Did you get in a fight?" Jesse asked, reaching out to touch the cut on her eyebrow.

Beca slapped his hand away. "It's nothing."

She ignored the look of concern Jesse gave her and zipped up her bag before pushing off the wall. Her hand immediately flew out to that same wall so that she could balance herself, the quick movement making her slightly dizzy. She used her freehand to scratch Biscuit's head before looking at Jesse. "Just watch out for him, please." And before he could question it, Beca was already out of sight. She knew he was probably calling Aubrey, but she could care less. She honestly hoped he told her because with what she planned to do she hoped to scar Aubrey irrevocably—in the same was she had done to her—with what she'd see when she found her.

_Always, Always, Always, Always, Always, Always.  
I just can't live without you._

_I love you  
I hate you  
I can't get around you  
I breathe you  
I taste you  
I can't live without you  
I just can't take any more  
this life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
and now I'm done with you_

Beca laid sprawled out in the center of the gym floor as she took another sip of the Grey Goose in her hand. The black box next to her was her only companion. She had always stashed in her closet since she was younger when she had found it in her mother's boyfriend, joey's, things. She had been terrified that he'd use it on her mother so she took it and hid it. She turned her head to stare at it knowing what lied inside was a permanent solution to this pain. To this heartbreak. To this regret.

Regret was such an ugly thing. It crept inside of people like a parasite; devouring them slowly until the host couldn't see anything else in front of them but the past and all of the ways it went so terribly wrong. The future becomes this unobtainable myth while the present was simply a mere speculation as mistakes were played in front of your eyes over and over. In the end you've become so accustomed to it that it'll be the only thing you'll ever see when you open your eyes. There's no _now_ nor is there a _will be._ There's only what _was_—what came before. There is only what happened and the feeble wish every day that it didn't—that it was merely a dream you had yet to wake up from. But it _did_ happen, and you won't wake up.

_She wished terribly that she could wake up._

With a bruised hand, she unlatched the lock on the safety box, reaching inside for her cure. For her savior. It was a lot heavier than the last time she held it. She was so hammered that she doubted she'd be able to hold it for long. Oh well. It wasn't like it would take more than a second. It seemed fitting that she'd end her life in the one place she once thought would bring all the happiness she could ever wish for.

She took another drink of the vodka in her right hand, not caring that some of it spilled onto her face and ground below her. Wasn't vodka like an antiseptic? At least the coroner wouldn't have to worry about bacteria when he examined her head. Maybe while he was in there he could see all of the things that drove her here.

Taking off the safety, she looked at the gun. It only had one bullet but that was enough. She didn't want it to double fire and have the cops think this was anything but what it was. She wanted—no needed them to know that she was the one to deal this blow. Her lips parted as the words to her favorite song entered her mind. It was ironic that the song was _so_ very fitting for what was to come.

"_**Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. It's been a long, long road. It's been a long, long dream. Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. God knows I gave them hell. God knows I tried"**_

Beca didn't regret much in life except succumbing to her own weakness for wanting to be loved. For a long time she only had three regrets: not telling someone about the abuse, allowing Julia to run Kelly out of her life, and not taking the opportunity Julia gave her to leave when she was younger. Sure, there were plenty of things she hated, felt guilty about, and were ashamed of. But regretted? No there weren't many because every terrible thing to happen to her before this point made her who she was today. However, considering her current circumstance, she realized the person she was today wasn't worth shit.

When she was younger, Beca used to love herself in spite of her mother's habit and in spite of her father abandoning her. She had no one to love her and came to rely on herself for love. If no one wanted her, she'd want herself. If no one cared for her, she'd care about herself. And if no one loved her, she love herself. It was a very optimistic view of the world that she adopted to stop herself from crumbing under the pressure of it all. But then she met Julia. She was so loved starved for _so _long, it didn't take much for the older woman to gain her trust. And then one day after a few glasses of wine and Beca's very severe reaction to her first alcoholic drink, Julia took something of Beca's that didn't belong to her…and with it went her own self-respect, strength, and self-love.

"_**But at least I can say, At least I can say I loved, but at least I can say, but at least I can say I lived. When I lay down and die, at least I can say I lived,"**_she continued to sing.

After that day where Julia forever altered the landscape of their relationship, Beca could _only_ feel regret along with three other emotions. Happiness was never one of them.

Regret: _I should have told_

Misery: _I wish I was dead_

Blame: _I brought this on myself_

Disgust: _I should have fought harder._

And so Beca's parasite grew inside of her. The cycle continued, rolling around in her head like tumbleweed across desert, gathering sand and debris until, eventually, the rolling stopped and Beca found herself stuck in the ghost of her past. Maybe Aubrey was right. Maybe she _was_ clinging to her destroyed childhood.

Regret made her feel weak, which in turn made the regret even stronger and her even weaker. She felt like she was sinking—suffocating beneath the weight of her self-hatred. Beca, laying here thinking about this opened up a door that she found she couldn't shut and suddenly she found she had more things to thrown inside this bin of contrition. A bunch of things that all began and ended with Aubrey Posen.

_I shouldn't have kissed her. _

_I shouldn't have confided in her._

_I shouldn't have trusted her._

_I shouldn't have loved her._

These thoughts haunted her for Aubrey was the only one that had ever made her consider accepting the weakness of falling in love into her life. Their love for each other was a weakness that she had faith would heal her and make her stronger in time.

Beca hated herself as the minutes ticked by for succumbing to her heart and opening up to her. _Aubrey_, above all others. _Aubrey,_ who she trusted. _Aubrey,_ who turned the most horrific experience of Beca's life into an assignment for a grade.

It made her feel as though Aubrey never really cared about her and that thought had her vowing to herself that s_he would never be hurt like this again._ Yet, did it matter? This was possibly the final hour of her life.

"_**Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. There's not a thing I would change. My heart stayed in the flames. Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. It's been a beautiful tragedy."**_

All of the time she spent with Aubrey, the kisses, the hugs, it all continued to play on repeat in her mind until Beca wanted to rip her brain from her skull and bash it into the ground below her.

No, it didn't matter that it wouldn't happen again. It didn't matter if Beca could prevent this mistake from happening again. It didn't matter because some things had _already_ happened. And try as she might, those regrets would never leave her. They had become her clarity in a world of gray static—something solid in a mess of fear and confusion. The future was blank, the present a rapid hazy blur. But the past would forever stay locked inside her mind. She _had_ been abandoned by her father. She _had_ watched her mother destroy her life with drugs and alcohol. She _had_ been abused for the greater part of her life by the woman she trusted and loved like a mother. She _had _tried to kill herself and she _had_ fallen in love.

The past was the only certainty she had. It was the one truth amongst a sea of never-ending questions and although part of her knew that was what the parasite wanted her to think, she believed it without hesitation.

After all, it was the uncertainty of the future—of the ending that was frightening. But, when you put your life on repeat, you already know how it ends. Except this time, they wouldn't have the chance to bring her back.

She lifted the gun to her head as she belted out the last verse of the song. This was it. Once she pulled the trigger, the pain would end. The betrayal would no longer stab at her and her heart wouldn't ache. She would finally be at peace and that made her smile.

"_**But at least I can say. At least I can say I loved. But at least I can say. But at least I can say I lived. When I lay down and die, At least I can say I loved."**_

_Beca sat on her bed resting on her stomach. It had been one month since she left New York. When she left, she truly thought she was doing the smart thing and as she sat in this empty house, a part of her knew she had made the right decision. It still didn't make it hurt any less. At least Julia stuck around while everyone left her. Even now, she sat in her room waiting for her father and _**his**_ family to come home. She didn't know what she expected when she asked to move in with him. She truly thought being away from New York—away from _**Her—**_would stop the ache in her body. An ache filled with shame, guilt, and sadness._

_She pulled her phone from under herself and unlocked it. When she was feeling particularly bad she liked to watch videos of cartoons. It helped take her mind off of the blinding sadness—if only for a while. She opened the video app and clicked on the first video. It wasn't until she hit play that she realized it wasn't a clip of _**Dexter's Laboratory.**_ Instead of a cartoon of a boy genius there was _**Her.**_ Beca knew she was the one holding the camera, while it focused on Julia on the couch._

"_**Knock Knock."**_

_**Julia didn't look up from the paper in her lap that she was grading. "I'm busy, Blackbird."**_

"_**So? Knock knock."**_

_**Julia sighed and put down her pen. "Who's there?"**_

"_**A broken pencil."**_

"_**A broken pencil who?"**_

"_**Never mind. It's pointless." **__Beca could hear herself burst into laughter while Julia rolled her eyes. She remembered this day. She believed she was maybe fifteen or sixteen._

"_**You're ridiculous."**_

"_**I'm fucking hilarious."**_

"_**Watch your language, Rebeca."**_

"_**Nope. Not until you tell me a joke."**_

_Beca wiped at her eyes as she increased the volume of the video._

"_**I'm busy, honey."**_

"_**Just one joke."**_

_Beca listened to Julia sigh as she placed the pile of papers in her lap onto the coffee table and removed her reading glasses._

"_**Alright. I'll tell you **_one_** joke and then I need to finish grading."**_

"_**What class is it for?"**_

"_**English one."**_

"_**Ok. Tell me a joke and I'll help you grade afterwards."**_

_**Julia shook her head in amusement as she turned on the couch, tucking her legs under her. She rested her head on the hand that was perched on the back of the couch as she thought. "Ok. Knock Knock."**_

"_**Who's there?"**_

"_**To."**_

"_**To who?"**_

"_**To whom." Julia corrected before bursting into laughter.**_

_Beca chuckled sadly as she saw the camera turn so that she could now see her younger self. She watched as the younger Beca rolled her eyes and mumbled __**"I don't think it was that funny."**_

_The camera turned back so that she could see Julia and she heard herself say, __**"Leave it you to make a grammar joke. You're such a dork."**_

_**Julia continued to laugh**__. __**"It's ok, Blackbird. You love me anyway."**_

_Beca shut off her phone, her vision too blurry to focus. She had truly lost everything now. Her father had his own family. It was a matter of time before she got the call that told her that her mother had overdosed. Julia may have done unspeakable things to her but at least she stayed. At least she cared and at least she loved her._

_Beca got up and walked into her bathroom with that knowledge. She looked into the mirror and stared at her reflection for a long time, thinking about everything one last time. _

_She used the back of her hand to wipe her eyes knowing her decision was made. She didn't know _**how **_to live—exist outside of Julia. Maybe that was the older woman's goal all along. Maybe Julia had taken so much from her for so long that now that Beca was alone she realized there was nothing left. She'd made this decision years ago but she had prolonged it and put it off for months—for years, hoping that it would get better. That she would get better. But it didn't. _**She**_ didn't. There was no denying it now. There were no more chances, nor could she turn back. She'd been walking down this path for so long it had only been a matter of time before she reached the edge of the cliff and was faced with the decision of whether or not to jump._

_She opened the mirror and looked into the cabinet. She took out the pill bottles and walked into her room, depositing them on her bed. In her dresser was a carefully hidden bottle of vodka, a drink she found got her drunk the fastest without leaving behind a scent. Her father didn't even notice that she'd taken it from his liquor cabinet._

_She carried the bottle over to her bed and sat down before picking up the three pill bottles, opening them and pouring their contents onto the bed one bottle at a time. She grabbed the remote to her Ihome and hit play, waiting for the music from her iPod Nano to begin. As soon as the deep voice of Ivan Moody sounded from the speaker as he sang the opening line to "Coming Down" she picked up the vodka bottle and untwisted the top. Then, after a long breath, she picked up the pills and put them in her mouth one by one, drowning them down with a few gulps from the bottle. Before she knew it, the pile of a few dozen pills of various strengths disappeared and she was left to wait. It wouldn't be long before her heart would be overwhelmed with all of the chemicals she'd just ingested. It would stop along with the rest of the pain in her life. _

_She noticed her heartbeat getting slower and she laid down on her bed to wait as she faded away. This didn't hurt as much as she thought it would and it was nowhere as painful as life had been. Her eyes fluttered close and for the first time she was happy._

_She smiled._

Beca closed her eyes and it seemed that all of her senses heightened. She could smell the dust in the gym and hear the rain against the windows. She could feel the sweat on her index finger as it laid upon the trigger. With a deep breath she moved her index finger and waited for the blast of the bullet. When nothing happened she pulled again. Nothing.

She pulled the trigger _again_.

Nothing!

"_Did you ever consider that maybe it wasn't your time to die? That your father came home when he did because some higher power thought your time wasn't up on earth?"_

_Beca looked at Dr. Franklin and frowned. "Did you ever consider that I really wanted to die and that I'll just try again? After all, there are over seven billion people on earth and I doubt God has the time to put me on suicide watch twenty-four-seven. Maybe next time I'll use a gun and I'll keep pulling the trigger until I'm dead and there's nothing anyone can do to bring me back."_

She released the gun. It dropped to the hardwood floor with a bang as her hands flew to her face and she cried.

"Why me?" she sobbed.

Why did she have to be the one this happened to? Why did her father not want her and why did her mother choose drugs over her? Why did Julia choose her and better yet why didn't she ever tell someone? Why didn't she fall in love with Chloe instead? Why did she trust Aubrey and confide in her the one thing she swore she'd never tell? Why did she fall in love with Aubrey? And the most damning question of all, after everything, after seeing Aubrey for who she really was, why did Beca still love her?

She sat up, picking up the gun and the rest of her stuff, throwing it in her gym bag. If Dr. Franklin was right and she wasn't going to die here tonight she was going to hurt the one person that put this pain in her heart. Beca could sit here and cry or she could make her pay for making her feel like this. She stood up and pulled on her gym bag. No, she wouldn't get away with this. Beca refused to let her.

_I feel like you don't want me around  
I guess I'll pack all my things  
I guess I'll see you around  
It's all been bottled up until now  
as I walk out your door  
all I can hear is the sound_

_always, always, always, always, always, always.  
I just can't live without you_

The door slammed leaving the two women in a deafening silence with neither braving a glance at the other. Aubrey, the more pragmatic of the two, took the first back towards the couch, gathering the discarded sheets of paper off of the floor, a choked whisper making its way past the barrier of her lips.

"Please don't bother telling me that you told me so."

Chloe nodded her head and kneeled to help her best friend pick up what remained of her thesis. "I won't. I just have one question, though. Why did you think writing this paper would be a good idea? I mean, you must have known she wouldn't have reacted kindly to it."

Aubrey sighed. She stood up, dropping the pile of paper onto the coffee table. "I don't know."

A dejected spell of air was exhaled from deep within as she took a seat on the couch, her hands coming up to rub circles on her forehead, an impending headache brimming to the surface. "When I started the paper, I barely could stand her. I—I had absolutely no idea what I would eventually uncover. I didn't want to hand in the paper Chloe. God, I wanted to get rid of that damn thing since the semester ended. But if I didn't I would have failed the class. I couldn't do that and risk not graduating and being kicked out of Standford's PhD progam."

Chloe nodded her head, understanding her friends point of view while at the same time not understanding why Aubrey didn't just quit when she did learn the truth. She reached out and grabbed a random sheet of paper off the top of the pile.

"Bree, I get what you're saying but you must have seen this coming, right? Beca's not some—some statistical number that you can just report on. She's a human being, even after all of the crap she's been through, and she truly thought you loved her in spite of it all. She feels betrayed and hurt."

Aubrey looked at her thesis sadly. "I wasn't going to hand it in Chlo," she said, her voice thick with remorse and melancholy. "I wasn't going to present it to the committee. I just…" Aubrey looked up through misty eyes, "Do you think I'll ever get her back?"

Chloe sighed. "Honestly?" She paused. She loved Aubrey. She was her best friend and she hated seeing her like this but she didn't want to lie to her. They both knew how Beca was and that she took a big risk trusting Aubrey. Aubrey took that for granted and even if she lied to her best friend, they both would know the truth. "No. I don't think so."

_I love you  
I hate you  
I can't get around you  
I breathe you  
I taste you  
I can't live without you  
I just can't take any more  
this life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
and now I'm done with you_

_I love you  
I hate you  
I can't live without you_

_I left my head around your heart  
Why would you tear my world apart?_

Beca pounded on the door waiting impatiently for someone to answer. She held her gun in the pocket of her sweater before casting a glance over her shoulder to make sure she hadn't caught anyone's attention with the noise.

When the door opened and she saw the surprised look on the older woman's face she scowled.

"Blackbird? What're you doing here?" Julia reached out to touch her, probably concerned with the bruises on Beca's face. Beca moved her head out reach, slurring "Don't touch me."

Julia looked at her with narrowed eyes as she assessed the girl in front of her before asking, "Are you drunk?"

"Yup. Just the way you like me."

Julia reached out once more to touch her arm but Beca pulled out her gun before the HLU coach could speak. "Go inside."

She held her gun on Julia as she followed her inside while Julia backed up in fear into her living room. Beca looked around before looking at the other woman. "Is anyone here?"

"N—no."

Beca scoffed as she removed her hood and shut the door with her foot. "I guess you haven't been in town long enough to lure a little kid here. Answer me this, was it just little girls or did you victimize boys as well?"

"Rebeca, you're drunk and you're not thinking clearly. Why don't you give me the gun and you can go lay down in the backroom."

"No!" Beca yelled as she repositioned the gun, the alcohol in her system throwing off her sense of balance. For the first time she _was_ thinking clearly, despite the alcohol. This was the one thing she should have done a _long_ time ago.

Julia nodded fearfully. "Ok. Just calm down, honey. Where did…where you get this gun?"

Beca laughed bitterly as she dropped her gym bag next to her. "It's the united states of fucking America. You can get a fucking grenade if you know where to look." She watched the older woman shrink back in fear and it brought her a sick sense of satisfaction. For once, _she_ held he power. For once, she was in control and Julia had to listen to _her _and do as _she_ said. Beca instructed for her to sit on the couch.

"Do you—do you plan to kill me?" Came a choked whisper. Beca looked up from where she was examining the room and removing anything Julia could possibly use as a weapon out of reach for the older woman. She knew the murder of Senator Jeffries was on Julia's mind when she asked the question. Did she plan to kill her? It wasn't like she had anything else to lose.

Using the back of her hand holding the gun, she rubbed at her eyes and looked at the frightened woman. "I can't get these fucking memories out of my head. And if it means putting a bullet in _your_ head," she gestured towards Julia's skull with her gun as she spoke, "So that you can share some of this pain, I might just do it. It's not like I have much to live for. You made sure of that."

"I'm sorry, Blackbird! I didn't mean to—"

Beca cut off her tearful apology when she threw the vase next to her at the wall closest to Julia's head. She was _sick_ of that word. She had enough to last her a life time. She didn't want to hear another apology for the rest of her life if she could help it because they meant nothing. They were almost as empty as promises.

"You never meant to what? Completely destroy my life? Steal my childhood? _Ruin_ _everything_ that was going good for me. You fucked up my life, Julia! "

The older woman looked down at her hands as more terrified tears fell. "I don't know what you want me to say."

Beca lifted her foot to kick the coffee table between them. She watched as it slid against the hardwood floors into the wall to the right of them before walking to the wall nearest the door and sliding down it to the floor. She drew her knees to her chest and released the safety on her gun, redirecting it at Julia.

"Like I said, I have questions that only you can answer."

_I see... the blood all over your hands  
does it make you feel... more like a man?  
was it all... just a part of your plan?  
the pistol's shakin' in my hands  
and all I hear is the sound_

_I love you  
I hate you  
I can't live without you  
I breathe you  
I taste you  
I can't live without you  
I just can't take any more  
this life of solitude_


	30. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

**What Sober Couldn't Say**

_Dear eight year old Beca,_

_You're in the park right now trying to impress the older girls with your basketball skills and I applaud your determination. In a few days, on this same court, you're gonna be approached by a wolf in sheep's clothing. She's going to be so nice and protective and caring towards you, showering you with all the love and affection you crave. That first year of knowing her is going to be wonderful. Dear eight year old Beca, I wish I could promise that the wolf would never immerge, but I can't. Dear nine year old Beca, you may have asked for a sip of her wine and drunk it greedily when she gave it to you, but that doesn't mean what happened that night was your fault. You didn't start this. Julia knew what she was doing was wrong. Please remember this. It's not your fault. You are not to blame. Dear eleven year old Beca, you are the strongest person I know. I know how you shoulder the burden of Julia silently and carry on as if nothing's wrong because you don't want anyone to know. I know you didn't keep her secret voluntarily. I know keeping her secret was just a byproduct of keeping your own. Not telling someone doesn't mean you wanted it. Dear fourteen year old Beca, I know you thought puberty would stop the abuse. There was nothing you did that kept her coming back. You are beautiful and what was done to you was terrible but it doesn't make you a terrible person. Dear eighteen year old Beca, I know you are hanging on by a thread. I know you planned to take your life and it was all because of Julia. Please remember this, you are not ruined. Dear Beca, Julia will not get away with this. I know you're too ashamed to admit what happened—especially after Aubrey's betrayal—but you will get justice. Even if I have to be the judge, jury, and executioner. _

Beca lifted the rectangular shaped bottle form her bag, having had enough Grey Goose. She twisted off the cap and took a gulp of the golden liquid, chuckling as her eyes squeezed shut from the burn. "It's been a while. I guess the long break has lowered my tolerance a bit," she spoke aloud although it wasn't directed at anyone in particular.

"Why are you drinking so much?" Julia asked after watching Beca take another mouthful of Jack Daniels.

The twenty year old waggled her finger mockingly, a sinister grin on her face. "Uh Uh Uh, you don't get to ask me _anything_," she sneered, placing the bottle of Jack on the floor next to her. Julia would speak when Beca wanted her to. She wouldn't move until Beca said so and she definitely wouldn't question anything the brunette did. Beca was in control and she was determined to keep it.

"First question. Why me?"

Julia looked down at her hands that were folded and resting on the lap of her crossed legs. Silence filled the air and it frustrated Beca. She truly hoped Julia didn't think she had a choice when it came to responding.

Lifting up the gun she, said, "You are gonna answer me." When Julia still didn't look up, Beca grabbed one of the figurines she'd taken off Julia's bookshelf in her earlier examination of the room and threw it at the wall she had chucked a vase at minutes before. "You are going to answer me!" she screamed.

She watched Julia jump in fear and Beca picked up the bottle next to her to take another drink. Now that Julia saw that she was serious this process would go a lot smoother.

"I—I don't know." She looked up and when she saw Beca's angry sneer she ran her hand through her hair as she tried to quickly formulate an answer. "You were just so innocent…naïve and trusting." She gave an unsure shrug as she sighed. "You were there when Robert left. I—I loved you, Rebeca."

"Bullshit!" Beca spat.

"It's true. You may not recall it the way I do but I remember everything about those years and whether you want to admit it or not, you loved me just as much."

"My mother was a drunk! She was a junkie. There was never a day that she didn't smell of tequila or wasn't passed out somewhere with a needle still in her veins. You always answered. No matter where, no matter the time, you always came when I called. I loved you because you were the mother I never had…I guess we have to very completely definitions of love." She sat back against the wall exhaling harshly. She needed to calm down or she wouldn't find out the truth. And she refused to leave until she got it. Until she understood why Julia hurt her. Why Julia _ruined_ her.

The older woman looked up and Beca had to hand it to her. She actually looked apologetic when she said, "I'm sorry, Blackbird." But like she said, she didn't want any more apologies. Her pockets were overflowing with them.

"Call me Beca, you bitch! I'm not Rebeca who did everything you said without question and I'm certainly not your little Blackbird who sits back while you get her drunk to fuck her."

"I'm sorry." Julia sobbed.

There was that word again. Beca wiped at her eyes, not quite sure when she began to cry. "Did your husband know?"

"Who? Robert?"

"Well I don't recall you being married to anyone else."

Julia flinched at her harsh words. "Why are you so cruel? You _are not_ the same girl you were when you left."

Beca took another drink, placing the gun on the floor next to her. It was still within reach in case Julia tried anything but Beca figured she wasn't stupid enough to do something like that. "What did you expect? It's been two years. Besides, I'm drunk enough to say what eight year old Rebeca couldn't. Now back to the question. Did Robert know?"

"About you or about everything?

"Both." She hadn't even considered the second question. _Did _Robert know his wife was a pervert?

Julia didn't respond right away and shifted in her seat uncomfortably. She hadn't had the chance to change out of the clothes she'd worn to the game and sitting in the skirt and tights for this long was beginning to become uncomfortable. "He— I told him a little before we got married. It wasn't something he liked but it had been close to two years since I'd been with anyone in that way so I was able to convince him, convince myself that I had changed."

"Then why marry him?"

Julia shrugged and wiped at the corner of her eyes with the pads of her thumbs. "Because I _did_ love Robert and that's why it hurt so much when he left. Our marriage was fine. _I_ was fine…until that day I saw you on the court. "

"I am _not _to blame for what happened."

"I know and I'm not blaming you."

Beca studied her for a few minutes, taking sips of whiskey in between. With a sigh she asked, "When did he find out about me?"

Julia shrugged again as she looked away sadly. "I don't know. He just asked me one night in bed and I said yes."

_Julia glanced over at Robert as he slipped into their bed, pulling the blanket over his lower half, before returning her focus to the English papers she was grading._

"_Not right now." She said when she felt her husband's hand sliding up her thigh. "I need to finish grading."_

"_C'mon, Jules. It's been so long." He whined._

_She looked over at him, her eye brows quirked. "And this morning didn't count when you ambushed me in the kitchen. I was nearly late taking Rebeca to school."_

_Robert collapsed back on the bed, his head hitting his pillow with a soft thud. "Ah, the little one. How is she?"_

_Julia circled another misspelled word with red ink as she said, "She's fine." She didn't mean to sound so curt but she didn't want him asking about Rebeca. She only knew the little girl for a little over two months but it didn't stop the fierce possessiveness she felt regarding the eight year old._

"_Yeah, I saw her at the last game. She sure can play. Too bad she's so small."_

"_What do you mean by that?"_

"_Nothing. I'm just saying she's probably not gonna be taller than 5'5" when she gets older and that height doesn't scream pro ball material."_

_Julia rolled her eyes, an irritated sigh escaping her. "Please shut up, Robert. You sound ridiculous. She's an excellent player and the only thing that'll get in the way of her playing professionally is her...Besides, Muggsy Bogues was only 5'3."_

_Robert raised his hands in surrender, "Alright. Jeez, no need to bite my head off."_

_Silence filled the room as Robert occupied himself with drawing patterns on her arm. She was glad for the peace because she only had three more papers to finish before she could go to sleep. Her fortune was short lived however when Robert suddenly asked, "Are you attracted to her?"_

"_Am I attracted to who?"_

"_Rebeca."_

_Julia sighed. She removed her reading glasses and ran her hand tiredly through her hair. "Yes."_

_Robert cleared his throat and dropped his hand from his wife's forearm. He was quiet for a long time before finally asking "So, what're you going to do about it?"_

"_What do you mean, 'what am I going to do about it'?"_

"_I mean, if she's tempting you, don't you think it's wise to distance yourself?"_

_Julia rolled her eyes and scoffed. "No. I don't think so and plus I don't want to. Besides, I've told you about her home life. I can't be another person to enter her life and then suddenly leave."_

"_Julia, I'm trying here. I accepted you when you told me about your attractions but if you're not going to even try—"_

"_You think I'm not trying?" she asked incredulously. How dare he insinuate that? Being around Beca was a struggled _**every single day**_ and it took a lot of self-restraint to keep her hands to herself. Beca had enough on her plate with her mother and the last thing she needed was Julia trying to pursue a relationship with her. Even if Julia wanted nothing more. She placed her work and glasses on her nightstand before turning off the small lamp. "I'm going to bed." She laid down and turned her back to her husband._

_Robert sighed. "He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her shoulder. "I'm sorry babe. I—I know it must be hard for you but I know that you don't like being _**that** _way_. _I'm sorry I implied that I don't trust you."_

Julia turned over to look at him. "I love _**y**_**ou,**_ honey. Yes, I am attracted to Rebeca. I promised to never lie to you about that but I don't plan to go back to how I was. You're my husband and you're the only one that I want. My relationship with Rebeca is platonic. I—I feel a bit protective of her because of her home life but she's just a player. That's it."_

_Robert nodded his head. "I believe you." He leaned down to kiss her and Julia placed her hand on his cheek to deepen the kiss. Robert pulled back and asked, "So sex now?" with a hopeful grin and Julia couldn't help but laugh. She nodded nonetheless, smirking when Robert enthusiastically reached down to pull away her underwear. She had a terrible feeling that this topic wasn't settled and she feared that it would rear its ugly head in the foreseeable future. She just hoped her marriage survived when it did._

"I'd always been open and honest with him about my desires. I… I think what really angered him was the idea that I didn't want to separate myself from you. I could have easily kicked you off the team, when it was still early, when our relationship was still innocent, but I couldn't—wouldn't." she looked at Beca sadly. "And that's when our marriage started to fail."

Beca sighed. She had never knew the dynamic of Julia's relationship with her husband. She knew their marriage ended in a bitter divorce as result of what Beca knew was Julia's relationship with her but that was as far as her insight into their relationship went.

"How long did you…" She looked down to gather her thoughts. After a few moments she cleared her throat and pulled her eyes back up. "How long did you want me in _that_ way?"

Julia sighed in exhaustion, her hand raking though her hair once again. "From the start."

_Dirty little secret  
Dirty little lies  
Say your prayers and comb your hair  
Save your soul tonight_

_Drift among the faithful  
Bury your desires  
Aberrations fill your head  
You need a place to hide  
And I am_

_Do you remember me?  
The kid I used to be?  
Do you remember me?_

"It had been two years since I'd ever thought of a girl in that way—beyond a fleeting fantasy, anyway."

Beca watched her play with the diamond bracelet on her wrist, listening as the older woman spoke.

"But when I saw you, I—I don't know what took over me. Lust maybe and somewhere it became infatuation and then obsession and before I knew it…I was kissing you in the car that day. "

Beca wanted to ask what was going through her mind that day but she was afraid of the answer. She was already having a difficult time digesting the fact that Julia fantasized and desired her sexually from their initial meeting that day in the park. Julia said she hadn't thought of a girl for two years before Beca and it made her wonder just how many kids Julia hurt—she would say girls but Julia had yet to answer her question of whether or not it was only girls or was she attracted to young boys as well.

"How many were there? How many girls were there?"

"Rebeca, I don't think that's imp—"

"How many!"

Julia jumped, startled by the sudden outburst. She yelped "Six."

Beca gestured for her to continue and elaborate.

"There were four before you. The first three only happened once. The fourth…it was longer—two years."

"And after?"

"Just one."

"Was I different?" she wasn't even sure why she was asking. Maybe a part of her wanted to know—be selfishly reassured that all of her suffering wasn't just some game to Julia. That she wasn't just another throw away child.

Julia looked at Beca, deep sadness marring her entire body. From her melancholic face to her drooping shoulders. "Would you believe me if I said yes?"

Beca scoffed at her answer and Julia added, "You were the longest relationship I ever had."

"Except it wasn't a relationship."

"It was to me."

Beca frowned. Julia really was demented. Did she truly think that what she and Beca had—that terrible abusive power dynamic—was a relationship?

"Was it Johanna?" She asked after a pause.

Julia, who appeared to be in a daydream, turned back to her and asked her to repeat what she said.

"The one after me. Was it Johanna?"

Julia nodded. "Yes"

Beca heaved a sigh and took another gulp of whiskey. She straightened her legs out in front of her to get more comfortable. "You said at the pep rally you met her when she was ten. That means I was 16. I don't remember ever seeing her. When did you first start touching her?"

"The…the day you left."

'_**The number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you—"**_

"_Dammit!" Julia cursed as she hit end on her cell phone before immediately hitting redial. She knew calling her number for the twelfth time wasn't going to change the fact that Rebeca had disconnected her cellphone but it didn't stop her from trying. She just didn't understand how she could just leave. They've been through so much together and she didn't know why Rebeca just left. If she would just answer her phone, she would be able to talk some sense into her. They had fought the night before over something trivial—she couldn't even remember what it was—and Julia had made the mistake of calling the teen immature. _

_But that wasn't a reason to leave. Maybe if she opened up their relationship a bit and allowed her to date _**other**_ girls, Beca would come back. Just thinking about her being with someone else in that way made her cringe. But by now she was willing to do _**anything**_ to get back her Blackbird. _

_She just had to come back. Julia wasn't sure what she'd do if she didn't. A part of her wanted to get on a plane and follow Beca. Show her just how much she meant to her. If only Johanna weren't staying the night. The eleven year old currently in her living room was heavenly and Julia knew if she wasn't so desperately in love with Rebeca, she'd want the young girl. Dropping her phone on her bed, she sat on the edge dejectedly. _

_Rebeca didn't want her. _

_Rebeca didn't love her. _

_Her sweet and loving Blackbird left her. Why didn't Rebeca want her? Why didn't she love her? _

_She was a sobbing mess and where she'd normally chastise herself for falling apart, she really didn't care in the moment that her makeup was running or that snot was dripping from her nose. She just wanted Rebeca._

_She continued to sob as she removed her jewelry, taking off her bracelet and the dog tags she always wore under her blouse. She had managed to get her skirt off before she broke down completely. She abandoned getting undress and laid down on her side._

"_Julia?"_

_Hearing Johanna's voice only made her cry harder. She felt the bed dip behind her before a small hand rested on her arm._

"_Julia, are you ok?"_

_She shook her head and heavier tears escaped her clenched eyes._

"_Are you sick? Is there something I can do to make you feel better?"_

_Julia turned over and looked at the eleven year old watching her with heavy concern. Rebeca said she wanted to get away from her. That _**she**_ was the reason she was leaving. That thought—hearing her words recycle themselves in her head made her chest tighten uncomfortably and painfully. Could the little girl with large doe brown eyes help her forget? Could she alleviate this pain? Even if it were only for this one night? Rebeca promised to never leave her. She swore to Julia the night Robert left her, that she'd always be there. That she'd always love her. She broke that promise. _

_With a heavy sniffle, she said "Ok," and reached forward and pushed the strap of Johanna's tank top down her shoulder, ignoring the look of confusion the eleven year old gave her. _

_Rebeca had left and the rational part of Julia knew she would never come back. So now she only had Johanna and as sweet and kind as the young girl was, she wasn't Rebeca. They were too different. But maybe, if she tried hard enough she could reach a point where she could look at her and not compare her to the girl who stole her heart on a basketball court nine years ago. Maybe she could reach a point where she'd see her curly hair that she loved to run her hands through, her beautiful bronze skin and full lips and love her, too. Almost as much as she loved Rebeca. Almost._

"How old was she?"

Julia wiped at her eyes as she responded. "Eleven."

Beca took another sip from the bottle in her hand hoping to push down the insurmountable guilt she felt. She couldn't help how much Julia's story had reduced her to tears. If she had said something—told someone—about Julia instead of running off like a coward, she could have saved Johanna. Even back in December, she had her suspicions that the young girl had taken her place in Julia's bed after she moved away and yet, she still didn't say anything. She didn't even reach out to tell the young girl that she understood. That she wasn't alone. She felt so guilty and ashamed because as much as she blamed Julia, what happened to Johanna was partially her fault.

"I hate you." She sobbed as she hid her face in her hands. She hated Julia so much. She hated her for making her suffer. She hated her for loving her. She hated her for caring about her. But most of all, she hated Julia for making Beca love her while making the brunette hate herself in the process.

_When your world comes crashing down  
I want to be there.  
If God is looking down on me!  
I'm not Jesus,  
Jesus wasn't there!_

_You confess it all away,  
But it's only shit to me  
If God is looking down on me!  
I'm not Jesus,  
I will not forgive!_

"What happened that night?"

She knew she didn't need to specify for Julia to know what night she was referring to.

_Beca's hands clutched at Julia's shoulders in an attempt to push the moaning woman off of her, but the attempt was in vain. The ten year old sobbed at the feeling of Julia's lips upon her neck and her fingers inside of her thrusting harshly. "It hurts Ms. Julia. I don't want to do this anymore."_

"_Don't…" she let out a loud moan before looking up, "Don't worry, Blackbird. It'll feel good, just…just hold on a bit longer."_

_Julia let out another long moan as she burrowed her head back in Beca's neck, nipping and biting along the way. Beca could feel wetness on her leg and she hated that feeling. The way Julia's weight pressed down on her. The feeling that Julia, didn't care about hurting her as long as _**she **_felt good. "Please, Ms. Julia, stop! It doesn't feel good. It hurts…you're hurting me." She let out a yelp in pain as the burning sensation between her legs increased. It seemed that the longer this went on, the louder Julia moaned and the harder she thrusted. _

"_Just_ _relax, baby. Let me make you feel good._"

"_Please don't, Ms. Julia." She begged. "I'm sorry for not listening to you yesterday. I'll listen next time."_

"_I can't stop, baby. I'm so close. Just relax and you'll feel this too." She said before freezing suddenly as she choked out, "I'm cu—I'm cumming!"_

_Beca watched in horror as an intense shudder ran down Julia's body before she collapsed on top of her._

"_Oh, Blackbird. I love you so much." She cooed in her ear when she finally rolled off her. Beca just turned over, not wanting to see her anymore. Julia had shown who she truly was tonight and Beca _**hated**_ what she saw. Julia had promised to protect her from the monsters of the world. Beca just wished she had known that Julia was one of the ones that she needed protection from._

"…Robert and I had been separated for a year before he suddenly wanted to have dinner, but you know that already...The night was wonderful. We didn't argue."

Beca knew Julia had stopped herself from adding 'about you' to the end of her sentence. She had no false beliefs that she wasn't the cause of the dissolution of the Matthews marriage.

"We went back to his apartment. One thing led to another and before I knew it, we were having sex, except I wasn't aroused. I loved my husband, Rebeca, even after our separation but it just…everything about him from his body hair to his cologne, it all just felt so rough and…and wrong." She grew silent and Beca was willing to wait patiently now that she knew Julia was being forthcoming.

"Robert…I've never seen him like that. He was just so angry…"

"_What the hell, Julia?"_

_Her eyes flew open when Robert suddenly climbed off of her. "Wh—what's the matter?" _

_Robert sat up on his knees and peered down at her. "Your eyes were closed. Who were you thinking of?"_

"_My eyes were cl—what the hell does that have to do with anything?"_

"_Julia, please don't take me for a fool. I know you disappeared on me just then…Were you thinking of her?"_

_Julia couldn't believe he had the audacity to ask that. So what if her mind happened to wander to Rebeca for a moment. She wasn't aroused before then and Robert didn't seem to notice with his barbaric thrusting into her. It was becoming painful and she need the images to make her wet before he tore something inside of her. But of course, she wasn't going to admit this. Everyone deserved their secrets._

"_No. I can't believe that after all this time you still don't trust me."_

"_You know what? You're right."_

_She watched him climb off the bed and hand her the blue dress he picked up from the floor. _

"_I think you should leave."_

"_Why?"_

"_Because tonight was a mistake."_

_Julia reluctantly put on her dress, seeing that an argument was brewing. "All of this because I couldn't keep my eyes open while were fucking?" She knew it was crude but she was so tired of defending herself._

"_No. It was a mistake because even after all this time you can't tell me the truth."_

"_I am telling—"_

"_I saw you with her."_

_Julia's head whipped around to meet her husband's eyes. "What are you talking about? You saw me with who?"_

"_Rebeca. I—I came home early from one of my business trips. Before I left, I had seen the Victoria's Secret bag in your closet and I thought that you had planned to surprise me with the lingerie. I felt bed because I was spending so much time away from home. I took an earlier flight and planned to surprise you when you awoke. Only I was the one surprised to find my wife asleep, naked, with a nine year old in my bed."_

"_Robert I—"_

_He shook his head as he pulled on his shirt and boxers. "No. Don't apologize. I was the idiot for think I could change you. I was wrong. I see that now."_

_Julia narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean by that?"_

"_I mean, I thought I could love you but I can't. Not knowing that you're a pedophile."_

"_Do not call me that!" she yelled suddenly. Her outburst only seemed to fuel his anger as he took a step toward her._

"_Get out of my house. You're a pervert and the sight of you makes me sick."_

_Julia went to argue when her phone rang. Robert snatched her phone from the side table before she could reach it. He read the screen and laughed bitterly handing it to her. "Let's face it, Julia. You don't want me. I'm too old and too much of a man for you to find me attractive."_

"_That's not true." She argued._

"_Oh yeah? Well then answer your phone and tell Rebeca you're not coming. If you really want me, if you really want this relationship, don't leave and let's try and fix our marriage."_

_Julia looked down at her phone, reading Rebeca's name on the flashing screen. It was close to two a.m. and the fact that she was calling meant something was wrong. She glanced at Robert and flipped open her phone before saying "Hello?" into the receiver. As she listened to Rebeca plead with her to come and get her, she watched Robert look on expectantly._

_She loved him and she wanted nothing more than to work on fixing their marriage but she hated him for giving her such an ultimatum. Rebeca needed her and Robert shouldn't fault her for wanting to help the little girl. She saw the anger in his eyes and she realized it would never work. The two loves of her life could never coincide and she was being forced to choose. _

_With a heavy sigh she cleared her throat and said, "Ok honey. I'll be right there."_

_She hung up her phone and focused on her husband to see his reaction, afraid of what it might be. He glanced at her before saying, "I'm going to go into my office down the hall. If you aren't out of here when I come back in two minutes, I will throw you out onto the street."_

"_Rob—"_

"_I don't want to hear anything you have to say you fucking pervert."_

"I never felt so _ashamed_ of myself than I did in that moment hearing the man I loved look at me with such disgust as he called me those awful names. A part of me now sees that our relationship was doomed when he moved out and nothing I did could resurrect it. Answering your phone call, and essentially choosing you over him, was the nail in the coffin."

Beca shook her head not wanting to hear Julia's excuses. "I was 10! I cried over and _over_ that it hurt! I begged you to stop!" A shaking hand reached out blindly for her bottle of liquid courage before it was brought to her lips and she took a sip to calm down. "You know, I honestly thought that what we did, I thought everyone did that. Boy was I fucking wrong. The fucked up thing about it is, you could have gotten me to do anything for you…when you used to ask me to touch you, I didn't think anything was _wrong _about what we were doing but that night, that night you…I never told!"

She gulped down another drink with a bitter shrug. "Did you even care that you were hurting me?"

"I never intended to hurt you. After that night, I—I saw you changing, withdrawing from the team, from everyone. You didn't laugh. You didn't sing anymore. I knew what we were doing—what I was doing was damaging you but I—I was too selfish to care. There were plenty of times I would—I watched you while you slept and you'd tremble in my arms. You—you were crying in your sleep and I—I would vow every time that it would be the last time, and it would last maybe a week, one time I went a whole month." She finished with a bitter chuckle.

"The month of the playoffs." She remembered. It was her freshman year and she recalled the relief she felt knowing Julia wasn't summoning her into her bedroom to please her. She remembered clearly how she believed that Julia had _finally_ grown tired of her. She now saw how stupid that belief was.

_When your own world comes undone,  
Let me be the one to say:  
(If God is looking down on me)  
I'm not Jesus,  
You can't run away!_

_And the innocence you spoil  
Found a way to live  
If God is looking down on me!  
I'm not Jesus  
I will not forgive!_

"I focused all of my energy on the team and it worked for a while but I eventually gave in. I—I always did…in my own twisted way I—I thought you liked the stuff we did together. You never told anyone and you kept coming over to my house."

Beca cringed. Julia's worse sounded just like what they were…an excuse. She didn't understand the other woman. At moments it appeared that she truly loved Beca and other times it seemed as if she was fully aware of how much she was hurting Beca but simply didn't care.

"Because I loved you! You said so yourself… My mom was a bitch and you were the only one who cared!" More tears fell and she no longer tried to cover them up. She wanted Julia to see the damage she had done. "That first year was so great. You were more of a mother to me than my own was. Why'd you have to go and do that, huh? Why'd you have to fuck it up?"

Julia stood up abruptly and Beca demanded she sit back down but the older woman ignored her. She walked over to a closet in the side hall and grabbed what Beca saw was a shoe box before the HLU coach walked over to where Beca sat on the floor. She slowly got down on the floor, her skirt making it slightly difficult.

Beca instinctively scooted away but Julia didn't say anything, instead staring at the box in her hand.

"What's in the box?" she questioned.

Julia looked up at her before handing the boxy to the young brunette. "I knew how much our relationship meant to you...I always knew and I…I took advantage of that."

Beca tentatively removed the lid and pulled out the sheet of folded green construction paper that rested on top. She turned it over and gasped when she realized what she was holding. She opened the card and read what was written inside with black crayon.

'_**Happy mother's day! I know you don't have any kids of your own but you always say the team is you family so that makes you our mom. I love you, Coach Julia!'**_

Julia reached over into the box and pulled out a photo, handing it to Beca and when she saw what it was a photo of she instantly laughed. Tears dripped down her face and fell off her lips as she ran her thumb over the picture. "I remember this day. It was our first game and you let me start. The Dover Jaguars."

"Yeah. You were so proud of yourself that day."

Julia stared down at her nine year old self—her lack of braces serving as an indicator of her age. She was beaming at the camera as Julia held her on her back. The older woman tried to pretend that she was annoyed at the fact that Beca had jumped on her but Beca could see the happiness in her eyes—in both of their eyes.

"Why was I different?"

Julia didn't look up from the photo. "What do you mean?"

"You didn't stop when I hit puberty. Wasn't I too old by then?"

"No Rebeca…It was never about your age."

"The night before I left you said you wished you could just let me go. Why couldn't you?"

"Because I was too invested in our relationship by them. With Amber and Zoë, they were easy since I didn't have enough time to get emotionally attached…but with you, I fell so in love. I couldn't stay away. I—I loved you Beca and no matter how fucked up and twisted I might seem, I never meant to hurt you."

"Who are Amber and Zoë?"

Julia looked as if she were debating whether or not to tell the truth before she exhaled deeply and responded with, "Two girls before you."

"So it _is_ only little girls." She watched Julia nod, a blush spreading across her neck and face, before she asked how young did she like them. "Are you attracted to toddlers as well?"

"Are you making fun of me?" she asked, anger lacing her words.

"No. Now answer the fucking question." So what if they had just shared a nostalgic moment? It didn't erase all of what Julia had done. It didn't make Beca suddenly forget why she was here and why she hated the other woman.

"It isn't about age."

Silence settled between them after her statement for a very long time. Beca continued to drink while Julia looked at the various pictures and odds and ends in the box that related to Beca in one way or another.

"I heard your conversation with Patricia that night, so I'm know Leanne was the third. Who was the fourth?"

Julia didn't respond right away, unsure of what it was Beca was asking. After a few minutes she understood and responded with a meek whisper, "Her name was Emma."

Beca instantly recognized her name. The older girl on the basketball court with freckles, pale skin, and purple streaks in her hair. The small girl who used to babysit her on the Saturdays her mother neglected to come home. The same girl who harbored a strong dislike of the older woman…whose hatred of Julia rivaled Beca's. "She hated you."

Julia rolled her eyes as she pulled her legs under her body to get comfortable on the hard floors. "She liked to throw temper tantrums when I didn't allot her as much attention as she wanted but she didn't hate me…and that was the problem."

"What do you mean by that?"

Julia sighed. "It doesn't matter."

"But that's the problem. Everything you've ever done to me—to Emma, to Johanna—it _does_ matter. It matters so fucking much and it's damaged us beyond repair. I will never be the girl I might have been if I hadn't met you. Can't you see that? You've broken us and no amount of therapy or pills will change the face that we can never be fixed."

_Do you remember me?  
The kid I used to be?  
Not the same as I used to be!  
Oh, do you remember me?_

_No!_

_When your world comes crashing down,  
I want to be there  
If God is looking down on me  
I'm not Jesus  
Jesus wasn't there!_

_You confess it all away,  
But it only shit to me!  
If God is looking down on me!  
I'm not Jesus,  
I will not,  
I'm not Jesus,  
I will not forgive!_

_Oh, I will not forgive, yeah yeah!  
No, I will not forgive!_


	31. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Dying is Easy, It's living That Scares Me

_Dear Beca,_

_I…I don't have much to say._

"You told me that if I just focused on you, it would be over before I knew it. I…I believed you and for a few years I couldn't remember that night…but like everything, it's all coming back and I'm asking you, Julia, to tell me the truth. Who was the other woman?" Her voice was laced in desperation but of everything she ever wanted to ask Julia, this question was the most paramount. Ever since the memory of that night was unrepressed, Beca couldn't walk down the street without wondering if _she_ were among the people around her. Was the woman who violated her the woman walking her border collie, or was she the one who had just accidentally bumped into her? It was questions like that which forced her into a life of solitude-one more secluded than the one she had previously led.

"What other woman?" Julia asked. The two had moved in the room back to their previous positions with Beca by the door and Julia on the couch after Beca grew uncomfortable being so close to the other woman.

"You tied a purple bandana around my eyes as you sang Bye Bye Blackbird, in my ear. You ran your fingers through my hair when…when she pulled down my underwear, and you…" Her voice broke with overwhelming sadness, but she couldn't cry now. Not until she got her answer. "You kissed my forehead as she _violated_ me. _Who was she_?"

Julia looked away, "You don't want to know."

"Why not? Are you afraid to tell me it was one of your friends? How you got off on sharing me like your favorite doll?"

"You think I _wanted_ that? You think I wanted to put you through that…that traumatic experience?"

Beca shrugged, "Well I don't see it any other way."

"Of course you don't." Julia hands dropped to her lap as she released a defeated sigh. "You can't see beyond your hate to realize that I loved you, sweetheart, and I risked my freedom in order to do so. I told you from the beginning how much trouble I would get in if someone were to find out and one of the few people I ever trusted used our relationship against me. She wanted to hurt me and at the time the only way to do so was through you."

Beca's blood ran cold as she stammered out, "Was it Senator Jefferies?"

Julia shook her head with an incredulous scoff. "No. I would have never let that vile woman touch you even if it meant exposing me."

"Why did you hate her so much?"

"Because she was a cruel, manipulative bitch who got off on power… She…I had just come from working at the summer youth camp where I…I was inappropriate with one of the athletes. I met Patricia when I attended a lecture she gave at Columbia my first year. She was a confidant who didn't judge me and was a close friend I could trust. On my nineteenth birthday she invited me to her house and she kept offering me drink after drink while she asked me questions about my desires and such. Do you remember Ruth Paxton, the former ADA of Manhattan? She used to always be around Patricia?"

Beca nodded and Julia sighed. "Well that night, Patricia took my…my virginity that night while Ruth watched."

Beca looked at her curiously wondering why Julia flinched when she uttered the last part of her statement, but she quickly dismissed it, choosing to instead focus on Julia as she spoke.

"She didn't care about anyone but herself and I saw her death coming a mile away. She treated Leanne like shit, giving her out to whoever asked including that awful Ruth. It was only a matter of time before that poor girl snapped."

Beca hummed in agreement thinking it was ironic that Julia predicted Leanne's breakdown but didn't foresee herself being held at gun point by the brunette. Beca reached into her gym bag of Julia's confiscated items and pulled out a purple crystal figuring that took the shape of a swan. She held it in her hand, staring at it with great contempt. "If you hated Patricia _so much_ then why join their little organization?"

"Because I needed support. I was so confused and ashamed after what I had done to Amber, the third girl. They understood and for a while they were my family."

Beca scoffed, "So what, you paid a membership fee and you were in? I saw those women. They weren't a fucking support group. They were all upper class and thought they were above the law. They encouraged you behavior…how did they know you weren't a cop?"

Julia shifted uncomfortably as she spoke. "I—I had to prove that I wasn't."

Beca sat in a state of confusion for a long stretch of time wondering what Julia meant. It was only after it dawned on her did her anger towards Julia increase tenfold. "Oh god…how?"

"With Emma. When I was inducted I had to…I had to perform in front of them."

"Perform? Perform how?"

Julia gave her an unamused frown. "You know what I mean. I don't have to say it."

"Yes you do." Beca seethed. "I want you to say it. I want to hear you own up to every vile and disgusting thing you did to Emma. Tell me what you did to her to make her hate you as much as I do."

"Rebeca—"

"Say it!" She screamed, launching the figurine in her hand at the wall behind Julia, and it shattered just inches from the older woman's face.

Julia swallowed thickly as tears came to her eyes. "In order to be inducted…in order to be inducted as a Swan I had to bring a child and—and have sex with her in front of the inner circle of women."

"So you raped her for an audience of women who are just as sick as you?"

"Rebec—"

Beca shook her head as she reached over and grabbed the whiskey bottle. "No, there's nothing you can say. _Nothing_ you can do to make it sound any less horrible that it is." She lifted the bottle to take a drink but stopped at the feeling of something wet dripping from her nose. She brought two fingers up and collected whatever was running from her nose onto her fingers. When she lowered her hand and saw her fingers coated in blood she looked up in confusion at Julia. She was genuinely perplexed because she rarely had nosebleeds. She recalled her nose bleeding less than five times in her life and all of those nosebleeds were brought about by her being hit in the nose.

Julia told her to hold her head back while she went to get a cold rag. Beca did as instructed and it wasn't until Julia was out of sight did she realize she had provided the older woman with a chance to escape or call the cops. She reached for her gun and moved to stand but stopped when Julia reentered the living room holding a first aid kit and a washcloth. She handed the washcloth to her, frowning when the twenty year old snatched it from her. Beca matched her expression, adopting a frown of her own when Julia sat next to her again and opened the first aid kit. She reached out with an alcohol pad and Beca jerked her head away. She didn't need Julia to take care of her. She didn't need anyone. Much to her annoyance, Julia ignored her discomfort and pressed the small sanitizing wipe to the cut on her forehead.

"I think I've managed to clean over a thousand bruises and cuts on your body," she said as she picked up a bandage and applied it to the wound.

Beca rolled her eyes, lowering the cloth from her nose to say, "Stop exaggerating. It's more like nine-hundred and ninety-nine."

They both shared a laugh at Beca's joke, neither neglecting to notice the feeling of how familial it all felt. For a moment Beca felt like she did when she was little, when she was only eight years old and Julia didn't want anything from her event for Beca to allow her to take care of her. She watched Julia begin to clean the cuts on her hands and she couldn't help but ask, "Am I emotionally immature?"

Julia glanced up at her for a second before retuning her focus to her task. "No." She put aside the alcohol wipes and picked up the tube of Neosporin. "You like to avoid things. When something gets rough you like to avoid it rather than deal with it." Once she finished applying the topical cream she picked up another wipe and used it to clean the blood that had run down Beca's chin and down her neck to her chest before drying. As she cleaned the red stain, her finger ghosted over the necklace around Beca's neck, her index finger holding the paint pallet charm for a second before returning to cleaning up blood.

Beca watched Julia examine the necklace. She was probably surprised that Beca still wore it considering everything that had happened between them. Beca didn't really know why she hadn't gotten rid of the necklace gifted to her on her first birthday they spent together.

'_Maybe we all have parts of the past we aren't ready to let go of,' _she thought.

"I—I didn't really want to die," she said after some time.

She watched Julia's eyebrows furrow as she tried to discern what Beca meant as she cleaned up the first aid stuff in front of her.

After some time, she questioned, "Then why did you do it?"

Beca shrugged. At the time she thought her reason was sound but now after having survived, she had no idea why she swallowed thirty-six pills. She dug the heels of her hands into her eyes before banging her palms against her forehead. "I was crying like fucking usual and I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head. The memories...I just kept taking the pills until I didn't see your face anymore. I didn't see much of anything afterwards. I wasn't trying to kill myself as much as I was trying to kill what was in my head"

"Thoughts about what?"

"Thoughts of how I was abandoned by everyone that claimed to care about me."

"I didn't abandon you, Rebeca. You left." Julia responded. "I—I found out about your hospitalization from one of the girls on the team." She saw the mortified look on Beca's face and shook her head before continuing. "I doubt she knew the details of how you tried to ki—" she sighed, unable to actually say the words. "Well, her mother had spoken to yours."

"And my mother was too high or drunk to know not tell my business."

"When she told me, I—I had to pretend that…I couldn't cry for you!" she cried, her words coming out in a strangled sob. "What about me, Rebeca? I wasn't allowed to miss you, or visit you. And the worst part of it was that I knew it was my entire fault. _I _was the reason you wanted to kill yourself."

Beca reached for her bottle of booze and offered it to Julia but she turned away in disgust. Beca shrugged and took another sip before a thought hit her and it was as if she were hit with a train of clarity. The older woman's reaction was very similar to one she used to have when her mother would scream at her when she was coming down from her high. Beca would get a nose full of her mother's rancid breath that was drenched in the sharp smell of tequila.

She took another drink before she spoke. "What I was going through, I—I never knew how it was possible for you to always know what to say to make me feel better but it all makes since now. What was her poison?"

Julia didn't respond, her eyes avoiding meeting the twenty year old's. Beca opened her mouth to repeat her question because she knew her claim wasn't wrong. Julia's mother was an alcoholic. Before she could speak however, Julia drew her knees to her chest—not caring that she was in a skirt—and spoke. "Good ole Tennessee Whiskey. But the bitch would drink bleach if it came in a glass bottle."

"No matter how much I want to drink, I don't _ever_ touch tequila…I can't smell it without being reminded of my mother…where was your father?"

Julia's hand instinctively went to the dog tags around her neck clutching at them in the way that Beca noticed she always did when she was stressed. "He left me," she whispered sadly before dropping her hands, using them to pull her legs closer to her chest.

"Was your mother…did she hit you and stuff? Was she abusive?"

Julia didn't look up as she rested her head on her knees as she said, "I don't what you're talking about."

Beca noticed the way Julia flinched at her question and she smiled grimly at the thought that she had struck a nerve within the other woman. Laughing mockingly at Julia, she said, "I don't know if you failed to catch on to the game we're playing, but you're gonna answer my question. So what, did she beat you?"

When she still failed to garner a response she grabbed the gun. Managing to hold onto the bottle in her hand, she drunkenly got to her feet. Pointing an accusatory finger at the older woman she said, "or I—I know, she used to touch you, didn't she? I bet that's why you are so fucked up now. So what, did she bend you over her lap for a spanking and her hand just happened to wonder?" She smiled seeing the anger overtake the features of Julia as the older woman stood.

"Fuck you! Don't you _dare_ talk about her. You know nothing so don't sit there and pretend you do."

Her anger didn't faze Beca however, and the younger woman continued to question Julia about her mother. "Did she watch you in the shower? Or tell you to make mommy feel better?"

She watched as Julia's hand flew to her ears in an attempt to block out Beca's voice.

"Stop! Just shut up!" she cried, crumbling to the floor in front of the couch.

"Not until you answer my question. Did mommy like to _fuck_ little Julia?"

"Stop it!" she screamed before suddenly going quest.

Beca watched from where she stood by the door to see what Julia's next move was. However, of all the things she expected, that familiar distance in Julia's eyes when she looked up—one she recognized from her own reflection—wasn't anywhere near the top of her list of possible reactions. She watched as Julia's hands were raised and began to touch her face, the tips of her fingers grazing along her bottom lip as she spoke in a childish tone.

"I'm a dirty girl… I can't keep my hands to myself." Her childlike voice then gave way for a hoarser and firmer voice as she continued her one man show. "You lying girl…Don't look." The firmness ebbed away and eased into a sultrier tone. "Look… Don't touch…Touch me."

She let out a moan, one much deeper than Julia's own and Beca had to admit she was afraid as she watched Julia dissociate and imitate whom the twenty year only could guess was her mother.

Julia moaned higher and longer as she husked out, "Touch me…Go away! No, come here and hold me." Another moan. "Baby, doesn't that feel so good? You're a good little girl." She ended her monologue with her index finger at her lips as she said, "Shhhhsh," before her head dropped into her hands and she let out a loud sob, what Beca knew was a sign of her coming out of her fugue.

Beca sat down on the floor next to her. "What did she do to you?" she asked desperately, empathy escaping her despite her hatred for the crying woman. Julia didn't answer and continued to cry. Beca was okay with waiting while she did.

When her sobs lessened and became small sniffles and body tremors Beca called to her, "Julia."

The HLU coach looked up, her eyes rimmed in red, her nose red, and her face flushed. She scowled.

"Did your mother hurt you?"

Julia shrugged. "I don't want to talk about it." She wiped at her eyes with the backs of her hands as she let out a bitter chuckle. "I guess that wasn't the answer you were looking for huh?"

Beca gave a shrug of her own as she took another sip of booze. "You did a lot of stuff to me that I didn't want to talk about either."

"But I loved you Beca. I _never_ purposely hurt you."

"Ha—that word again, _love_."

"Yes. I never hit you or threw glass bottles or ash trays at you."

Listening to Julia speak, Beca's eyes trained on the scars on Julia's arms. She had seen the cuts on her wrists but never the ones that reached further up her arms. She reached out and traced each one with her index finger. She realized that, until that moment, she didn't think that she'd ever seen these scars.

'_I guess you can't see what someone tries desperately to hide,'_ was what resounded through her head as she watched Julia stand up, obviously uncomfortable being under Beca's scrutiny.

"Those scars…_what did your mother do to you?"_ she asked again.

"I don't want to talk about it! Did I not make that clear the first time I said it? You came for answers so ask your damn questions but leave my mother out of it."

Beca sighed. "You are so fucking selfish, you know that?"

Julia held onto her dog tags once again as she rolled her eyes releasing an indignant scoff. "You're one to talk. Calling me selfish is very hypocritical of you."

"You think so? Well enlighten me to my hypocrisy."

The older woman spun n her heels, turning to look and glare at Beca. "I _begged_ you not to leave. I _needed_ you and you left. You walked away like my pain and tears meant nothing."

_Beca knocked lightly on the office door that had been left ajar. When she heard Julia grant her permission to enter, she pushed open the door fully and stepped inside. Julia looked up at her with a smile and Beca noticed that this was the first time she'd seen the older woman in school without her 'uniform' of a skirt and blouse. Today she was simply dressed in a floral tangerine and yellow sun dress. _

"_Oh hello, honey. I thought you'd be out enjoying your first day of summer." She said looked up from her memo pad for a second to greet the teen. Beca gave a light and halfhearted chuckle. "The security guard let me in. __I guess I'm not a danger to the school if no one is here."_

_Julia laughed as she stretched out her hand and gestured to the chair in front of her desk. "Take a seat. I'm almost done with these forms and we can have lunch after. One of the downsides of being a teacher is summer vacation doesn't start until well after everyone else leaves."_

_Beca scratched at the back of her neck nervously before taking a seat. "Uh, lunch isn't really necessary. My uh, my dad's coming to get me."_

_Julia's head shot up as she instinctively reached for the ID tags hanging around her neck. Beca could see her trying to hide her nervousness behind a look of surprise but Beca had been around the older woman for far too long to not be able to read her. _

"_Wh—when did he return? I know you two aren't particularly close."_

"_Last night. He's, uh, he's actually at my house getting my stuff. I'm—I'm gonna stay with him over the summer."_

"_I don't understand." Julia said, panic cracking the mask she was trying desperately to maintain. _

_Beca reached into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out a folded piece of paper. She opened it and handed it to Julia._

_Julia tentatively accepted the paper, her heart stopped as she realized what it was she held. An acceptance letter to Barden University. _

"_But…but what about Columbia? We just sent off the acceptance fee. I…I thought we already agreed that you were going there?"_

_Beca inhaled deeply, gathering all of her courage, before exhaling and saying, "No_, **you** _agreed on Columbia. I just sat back and let you think I wanted to go there." _

"_Ok. Well you don't have to go to Columbia. What about Albany State or Hudson U? They offered you hefty scholarships as well. I'm sure I could make a few calls. It__'s __not too late to accept their offers."_

_Beca sighed. Each of those schools had male coaches (Beca knew Julia refused to allow another woman to coach her) and were within a comfortable driving distance of Dover. __"No, Julia. I don't want to go to any school in New York."_

_She could see Julia beginning to get upset and it was even more obvious that she was beginning to panic. When she heard Julia's next concession, Beca knew she was becoming desperate._

"_Ok, um, if you want to go to UConn that's fine. Connecticut isn't that far."_

_With a frustrated exhale she told Julia, "__No! I don't want to go to school in New York, Connecticut, or even Indiana. I want to get away from this fucking state. Away from the entire Tristate area…away from you."_

_Julia jumped up to her feet instantly and walked around her desk, sitting on its edge in front of Beca. "You don't mean that. I know this year was rough for you, it was for me, too. But we can never fix it if you're all the way in Georgia."_

"_My decision is made. My dad's on his way here and then we're gone."_

_Julia began to cry. She wasn't sobbing or whimpering but heavy tears were falling, showing just how upset she really was. "Is it something I did? I can fix it. I swear. If you want to be friends with that Madison girl that's fine. I don't care. Just don't leave."_

_Beca could sense that Julia had refrained from asking her not to leave _**her**_._

_Shaking her head, she stood up. She had thought long and hard about this and her decision was made. She needed to get away from Julia if she was ever going to have a chance at a normal life. "I need to go," and as if sensing her desire to leave, her phone rang. She pulled it out of her back pocket and glanced down at the screen. Her father was calling. She unlocked her phone and put it to her ear._

"_Hello?"_

"_I'm outside, Becs."_

_She rolled her eyes at the nickname but said "Ok," before hanging up and looked up at Julia. The older woman's composure had completely crumbled by now and she was outright sobbing and breaking down._

"_I need to go."_

_Julia stood up completely and grabbed Beca's hands, pulling the younger girl into a hug. She wrapped her arms around the teen's neck desperately and cried, "Please don't leave me. Please don't go."_

_Beca tried to pull away but Julia only held on tighter, this time burrowing her face into the crook of Beca's shoulder and neck as she whimpered, "It's me and you against the world, remember?"_

_Beca did feel bad about how much pain she was obviously causing her but she had to do this. _**She **_was in pain, too, and it only increased everyday she was around Julia. So, as much sympathy she might have had for the crying woman, she had to leave._

_She forced Julia's arms from around her neck and stepped back. "I need to go, Julia. I'm sorry."_

_And with that, she slipped out of the door before Julia could grab her again. She met her father in the front of the school, ignoring his attempts to hug her as she walked around the car to the passenger side._

"_Are you ready to go? He asked as they both got in the car, slamming their doors simultaneously. _

_She nodded and he smiled at her as he started the car. "I guess you wanted to say goodbye to your favorite teachers? I remember it being so hard to leave it all behind my last day of high school. What about you? Are you ready to let go of this place?"_

_Beca looked down at her vibrating phone. Julia's smiling face graced the screen as it rang. Ignoring the call, she looked up to the street in from of them as she said, "I don't know, but I'm gonna try."_

"What about _my_ pain and tears, huh! You obviously didn't give a fuck about mine so why should I care about yours?" Beca screamed, tears falling.

Julia wiped at her own tears and said, "We both hurt each other."

"And yet we still can't seem to let each other go."


	32. Chapter 31

_**Chapter 31**_

_**I Hate Myself…I Hate You**_

Beca looked up at Julia as she paced slowly, her arms wrapped around her body in a protective embrace.

"What happened to your mother?"

Julia froze, Beca's question catching her off guard. Beca could see her tremble slightly and after a long minute, she resumed pacing. "…she…she drowned in her own vomit on our living room floor…I came home the night of my high school graduation when I saw her. I'd never seen her like that, her eyes rolling to the back of her head…" she paused, her body beginning to tremble again. "By the time 911 was called, it was too late."

Beca looked at her sympathetically. She talked of such a traumatizing experience with the tone one held when discussing something boring and uninteresting. She could relate to that. When her mother was high out of her mind, Beca couldn't even stand the thought of her. "My mother used to always throw up while passed out. I had to watch her for hours, turning her head when she did. Did your mother—"

Julia quickly cut her off. "Rebeca, _please_ respect my wishes and _stop_ asking about my mother."

The twenty year old rolled her eyes but complied nonetheless, willing to give her a free pass on this particular question because it was such a tender topic for the older woman. She wouldn't give her pass on anything else, however.

"Did you take the job at HLU because of me or Aubrey?"

She knew that Julia, despite her faults, was a really great coach and she knew this wasn't the first year she'd been offered a chance to coach for a collegiate team. She just wanted to know, why now? Why _this_ team? The only reason Beca could think of was Aubrey. Seeing her that day in the gym as the senior casually referred to herself as Beca's girlfriend must have affected the older woman more than she cared to admit or show.

"Haggard Lee offered me a lot of money and that's not to say the others didn't as well, but before this year I had no reason to leave Roosevelt. Then…then I saw you that day in the gym and it brought back _so much_. And yes, I admit that I was jealous of that girl—"

"Aubrey," Beca corrected.

"Whatever. I don't like her."

"You don't even know her."

Julia finally stopped pacing and looked at the twenty year old. "I don't need to know her to know she can't be trusted."

Beca wanted to rebut her claim but stopped before the words could leave her mouth. What could she even say to counter Julia's statement? Aubrey _couldn't_ be trusted.

"Back to my question please." She spat wanting to move the attention from the blonde.

Julia rolled her eyes and walked over to the arm chair situated between two of her bookshelves against the wall. She took a seat. "Was I jealous of _Aubrey_?" She said her name with such disdain as if it hurt to speak. "Yes. But I never forgave myself for how I let my jealousy get out of control the night you went to homecoming with Kelly. But Rebeca, I just want you back so badly and I really hope my relocation can give us a chance to work on our relationship. Two years cannot erase the nine that we were together. I'm willing to forgive you if you slept with that Aubrey girl and you can forgive me Johanna—"

"I never slept with Aubrey…" she closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. She knew Julia's biggest insecurity was her fear that Beca _did_ want a woman, just not her. That she wanted someone her own age. Beca saw it in everything Julia did. Her hatred of Kelly. The punishment she dished out for seeing Madison kiss her in the cafeteria. Her forbidding Beca from hanging out with any female peers. Not wanting her to join the volleyball team because the coach was a woman. And Beca only spurred it on by never confirming nor denying Julia's allegations. She never saw a reason to. Until now, that is.

"I never slept with Madison."

Julia cleared her throat and adjusted her position in her chair, her legs uncrossing themselves as she sat back. "I know."

"I never had sex with Kelly either."

Julia said she was aware of that as well and Beca looked at her with fury. If she knew all of this then why in the hell did she put Beca through all of that? "No one has touched me besides you…" she paused to take another sip of Jack before asking, "Do you regret anything you did to me?"

Julia looked over at her through wide melancholic eyes that shimmered as she spoke. "I…I regret all of the pain I may have caused you including…" she trailed off as she wiped at her eyes. "I regret giving you chlamydia. I regret what happened regarding your relationship with Kelly but…but everything else, no, I don't. I don't have any regrets because I _did _love you, sweetheart. I still do and I _cherish_ those years we had together. You might think what I did was me selfishly hurting you but afterwards you understood me like no one else ever could."

Beca frowned, "At least you're being honest."

"After everything, I guess I do owe you that."

"I have one more question." Beca said placing the bottle of booze onto the floor at her feet. She turned to look at Julia as her final question was spoken. "If it wasn't my age that attracted you to me, then why not wait until I was an adult capable of making that decision?"

Julia didn't answer, and Beca watched her look away in shame. She probably hoped her silence would convey to the twenty year that she didn't have an answer but Beca wasn't a fool. Inebriated or not, she read the older woman like an open book. Jumping up in anger, she kicked the bottle on the floor, propelling it into the door and causing it to shatter.

"It was my age wasn't it? You chose me because I was a kid with a home life so fucked up I couldn't tell even if I wanted to."

Julia remained silent and still refused to look at the raging twenty year old. That only served to piss off Beca even more.

"That day I punched Oliver Davis in the third grade….he called you a pervert." She saw Julia flinch at her words. "He was right. I can't believe I sat here and ate up all this bullshit about you loving me and not wanting to hurt me!"

Julia stood up. "I did mean it. All of it. I do love you, Rebeca, and I didn't Intend to hurt you."

'You're lying." Beca spat. "You're a liar and a pedophile."

"Don't call me that!" Julia screamed suddenly, stepping up until she was face to face with the small brunette.

Beca scowled at her in disgust. "What? A pedophile? Because that's what you are, a perverted and sick ped-o-phile."

Lashing out in anger, Julia forcefully pushed Beca, feeling no remorse when the younger woman fell to the ground as she shouted, "I said, don't call me that!"

Beca looked up from where she laid on the floor. Julia glared down at her menacingly as she said, "I'm not _like_ that."

Beca sat up slightly, resting her weight on her left forearm. She narrowed her eyes contemptuously as she spat, "But you are, Julia. You're a _pedophile_!" As much as she tried to deny, she was sexually attracted to little children. Beca didn't see any other title that seeming fitting for her other than the one she had called her.

The older woman grabbed at her hair in frustration and anger. She paced back and forth for several seconds before stopping and turning to look at the brunette on the floor. "I don't need to take this. If you're gonna kill me, kill me already. But I'm done playing this fucking game. You want the truth, fine. I chose you because you were an eight year old prepubescent girl. Are you happy now that you know the truth? I recognized right away that your life was terrible since you spent all your time in that park from sun up to sun down every single day. We didn't meet by _chance_, Rebeca."

She paused to run her hands down her cheeks to wipe at the steady streams of tears staining them.

"But I didn't groom you or bait you in hopes of finally seducing you. I'm not some pedophile that filmed you and passed you along to my friends. Can't you see how special you are? With the other girls, as soon as they hit puberty they were no longer attractive to me, but you—you were still so sexy to me, Blackbird. I didn't use to understand it before…why Patricia still wanted Leanne after she hit puberty but seeing you with breasts and hair between your legs, something that used to be such a _turnoff_, I still wanted you. I _loved_ you, Rebeca, and I eventually let my desires taint that but it doesn't change that fact. So if you want to kill me, go ahead if you think that'll make you feel better. But honey, it won't change the past. Killing me won't erase me from your mind, from your memories. You and I are alike."

She knelt down to the floor where Beca laid and took the small hands in hers as she spoke, her voice taking on an involuntary air of desperation. "Can't you see that? It's us against the world. We understand each other like no one else ever could, Blackbird."

Beca was silent for a long while, her blue eyes boring into Julia's brown ones searching for any sign that the woman she used to know—the woman she used to trust—was still there inside somewhere. But as time wore on, Beca knew her search was a useless pursuit because the woman she used to trust and love was the _same_ woman in front of her. And the woman in front of her she despised and hated with a great passion. She snatched her hands out of Julia's hold. "I'm _nothing _like you."

Julia sighed in defeat. "I'm going to bed," she told the twenty year old before standing up. Beca didn't move to stop her. She instead asked the one question Julia didn't give her the chance to ask. "You said you had never seen your mother like that. You said her eyes were rolling to the back of her head meaning she was still alive when you found her. Did you try CPR to save her?"

Julia paused in the archway that separated the living room from the hallway that led to the stairs. Her head turned slightly as she said "…some people aren't worth being saved," before she disappeared down the hall.

Beca allowed her arms to give out and she laid down on the wooden floor. She reached out blindly for her booze but sighed when she remembered what she had done to it. Her bottle of vodka had shattered earlier in the night when she had carelessly thrown Julia's things into the gym bag where the bottle rested.

She lazily looked over to the liquor cabinet and her heart fell at its emptiness. She needed something to help her digest what she'd just been told. Julia said they hadn't met by chance. What in the hell did she mean by that? Had Julia been watching her? She shuddered at the thought. Picking herself up—which was a difficult task due to her inebriation—she walked into the kitchen.

'_Where does she keep the booze?'_ she pondered as she looked around. It wasn't until this moment did she question that one night all those years ago when Julia had her retrieve a bottle of some alcohol from behind a book on her bookshelf. Could it be?

She walked over to the stove and pulled it open. She glanced inside but it was empty save for the metal racks. Turning she staggered over to the garbage can and pulled out the trash bag, smiling as she reached into the can and pulled out a bottle of Brandy. "Right where ma used to keep it."

She twisted off the cap and stumbled back into the living room, falling ungracefully onto the couch. She hoped this would be enough to knock her out for the night because she couldn't handle the thoughts of Julia watching her before they met. It just made this entire nightmare that much more horrifying.

Beca held onto the bottle of brandy, drunk off her ass, which wasn't an easy feat since years of drinking had upped her tolerance tenfold. She stumbled down the hall Julia had disappeared down half an hour ago.

She looked at the various pictures on the walls. There was one of a little girl who looked like a young Julia standing between who Beca could only assume were her parents since she hadn't met either. Her mother didn't appear to be quite the monster Julia made her out to be in this picture so Beca assumed the nightmare came afterwards when her father left. Beca could see so much of Julia's parents in the older woman and it made her wonder how such a seemingly happy family could fall apart so tragically. With a sympathetic head shake, she looked away to find something else to examine. Next to her, on a small table that held a vase with flowers, was a picture frame. A young Julia, maybe late teens, or early twenties was sitting on a park bench adorned in a sky blue Columbia sweatshirt and her arm was around the shoulder of someone Beca didn't recognize. The two looked happy and she wondered if the mystery woman was an old girlfriend.

She put the frame back in its place next to the folded American flag and continued down the hall until she reached the stairs. She successfully ascended them without breaking her neck and stumbled to the first door in search of Julia.

Instead of finding the older woman, she was met with a room filled with various boxes. What caught her attention was the fact that those boxes were labeled with the word 'Blackbird.' She placed the bottle of brandy on the desk next to her and staggered over to the boxes. She fell to her knees before them and reached out a shaky hand to pull open the top of one of them.

Tears came to her eyes as she looked at some of her old paintings from elementary and middle school. She didn't know Julia had kept all of these things. She continued to look through the cheap canvases and gasped when she came across the sign that used to hang on her old room door—well the room Julia had given her at her old house back in Dover. It had her name carved in neat cursive into the plank of wood and under it were the words, '_Sometimes you have to fall before you fly.'_

She looked back into the box for what else it held. Her eyes caught sight of another treasure from her past. A sweatshirt sat on the bottom of the box and her heart clenched at the sight. It was a sweatshirt Julia bought her at her first professional basketball game. She had taken the entire junior team she coached but she had spoiled Beca rotten that day. Now looking back in hindsight, Beca wasn't quite sure if that was genuine generosity or if Julia was trying to gain her trust (despite what she said about not grooming her). She just remembered being on cloud nine the entire day because she had never seen a game that wasn't on a TV screen. She clutched the shirt to her chest as she cried. So much pain and heartache caused by Julia. _So much fucking pain._

She stood up, determined to confront Julia and not let her think she could just go to sleep and all would be forgiven. She stomped down the hall loudly, pushing open every door she encountered until she found Julia. She was sitting on her bed in just a purple camisole and underwear, drying her hair with a towel. When she heard her door open she looked back and sighed when she Beca in the doorway.

"I'm done playing twenty questions, Rebeca. We can finish in the morning."

Beca shook her head and ambled over to her, stopping when she stood in front of her. Tears were still in her eyes as she reached out with a hand far gentler than either expected to cup Julia's chin so that she would look at her. Her brown eyes were red and puffy as well, having had done their own fair share of crying. Beca looked down at Julia, her blue eyes locking on Julia's brown ones and or the first time, they were truly seeing each other. Both were open and vulnerable with nowhere to hide from the other.

Beca pushed Julia down, stepping forward to climb onto the bed. She quickly swung her left leg over Julia's hips to straddle her while her right came to rest between Julia's thighs.

"Rebeca, wha—" she tried to get up but Beca pushed her back down. She grabbed the older woman's hands and roughly pinned them above her head, her thigh pressing into Julia in the process.

Beca cringed at the sound of Julia's moans when she inadvertently applied pressured between her legs. This wasn't meant to be pleasurable. It was supposed to be about Beca getting back the power Julia had taken and kept nine years ago. She leaned over and ghosted her tongue over Julia's neck, smirking at the moan emitted as it transformed into a painful cry when she sunk her teeth into her skin. She ignored Julia's cries that she was hurting her as she drew blood. Julia had drawn her blood enough times. Beca was just trying to even the odds.

"You didn't stop when I asked, remember?" she husked menacingly as she tightened her hold on Julia's struggling hands. She shifted slightly to roughly bite Julia's shoulder. "You kissed me here and said, 'It'll feel good, baby. Just hold on a bit longer.'"

_Julia kissed the young girl's shoulder as she moaned out, "Don't worry, Blackbird. It'll feel good, just hold on a bit longer."_

Julia continued to struggle. "Rebeca, stop. Please. You're hurting me."

_Beca pushed at Julia's body to no avail. "Please, Ms. Julia, stop! It doesn't feel good. It hurts…you're hurting me." She let out a yelp in pain as the burning sensation between her legs increased._

Beca bit at the swell of Julia's breast. "Just relax." She ripped off Julia's underwear.

"_Just_ _relax, baby. Let me make you feel good._"

Julia's legs thrashed as she tried to throw Beca off of her. "Please don't do this," she sobbed. "I'll listen to whatever you have to say or ask."

"_Please don't, Ms. Julia," Beca begged. "I'm sorry for not listening to you yesterday. I'll listen next time."_

Beca reached down and pried open Julia's legs. As much as she hated what she was about to do, she _had _to do it.It was the _only way_ to show Julia just how much she had hurt all those years. "I'm not stopping. I _can't_ stop. I need you to feel this too." She needed Julia to feel this pain. _Her_ pain.

"_I can't stop, baby. I'm so close. Just relax and you'll feel this too." Julia said before freezing suddenly as she choked out, "I'm cu—I'm cumming!"_

Beca reached down to finally break Julia so that she'd shatter and join Beca in this desolate mental and emotion fragmentation. However, before she could do anything she realized that Julia was no longer fighting. Looking down at the older woman, she paused as she saw the blank look in Julia's eyes. She had seen that expression various times. She knew that look, what it meant and what Julia was going through. She knew from the various times in the past that she had crawled to the bathroom in the midst of a panic attack and as she waited for the tub to fill with water, she'd look at herself in the mirror. She'd be on the verge of completely disappearing within herself when she'd stare into the blank depths of her dilated eyes, seeing noting but a _victim_ staring back.

It was like a bucket of cold water was poured onto her head and she was made aware of what she had attempted to do. She quickly released Julia's hands but the older woman still didn't moved. She just continued to stare beyond the brunette on top of her.

Beca ran her hands through her hair. She felt so disgusted with how far she'd fallen. The thought of raping Julia had passed through her mind and she was actually going to do it. Just the thought of her stooping so low to the ground of morality in which Julia had existed was enough to make her sick with shame. She had vehemently argued that she was nothing like Julia and yet here she was about to do the _same_ thing Julia had done to her.

She wasn't aware that she had begun crying or when it became a full blown panic attack as she sobbed and wailed. It wasn't until Julia—seemingly having come out of her fugue—wrapped her arms around her trembling body did Beca realize her state. She climbed off of her and allowed the older woman to comfort her as so many emotions ran the gamut inside of her in what seemed to be a never ending cycle. Pain, heartache, rage, sadness, fury. Pain, heartache, rage, sadness, fury. Pain, heartache, rage, sadness, fury.

Pain.

Heartache.

Rage.

Sadness.

Fury.

Shame.

_Beca giggled, bring her suds covered hands up to her eyes when Julia went to remove her towel. The nine year old shifted backwards in the tub when she felt the water ripple, signifying Julia had stepped in. When she was sure Julia was in the water and covered in soapy bubbles she removed her hands, only to see the older woman's breasts exposed when she reached up to pile her hair at the top of her head in a messy bun. However, before Beca could cover her eyes again, Julia chuckled and said, "There's no need to cover your eyes, darling. You can look if you want."_

"_But my mom says I'm not supposed to look at her 'stuff' when she gets out the shower." Beca clearly remembered her mother slapping her when she walked into the bathroom without knocking while her mother was exiting the shower. She never went anywhere near the bathroom or her mother's bedroom when she was showering after that just in case, lest she be slapped again._

_Julia reached out, tapping the tip of Beca's nose with her index finger. She smiled when Beca giggled as she said, "Well I'm not your mom and I say its ok." _

_When Beca hesitantly nodded Julia sat back in the tub, her arms resting on each edge as she studied the little girl in front of her while she played with the bubbles surrounding them. "How are you feeling, Blackbird?"_

_Beca looked up, "My head hurts a little but I'm okay."_

"_Do you…do you remember anything about last night?"_

_Beca's eyebrows furrowed while she thought deeply before a smirk overcame her face when she remembered something. "You let me have some wine and I started dancing because it felt funny. Oh and you wanted to play a game."_

_Julia unconsciously held her breath as she tried to keep her voice steady while she spoke. "Do you remember anything else?"_

_Beca's eyebrows quirked in thought again as she tried to remember the night before. When nothing was coming to mind she gave a defeated shrug. "Nuh huh. Did I fall asleep? I'm sorry Ms. Julia. Did I fall asleep before we could play the game?"_

_Julia let out a discreet breath of relief. "No. We played the game."_

_Beca brightened up at that. "Was it fun? Cuz I can't remember."_

_Julia simply nodded before silence settle between them for a few moments. Beca played in the water with her hands while Julia allowed the warm water to relax her. After nearly ten minutes passed Julia called out to the nine year old again._

"_Huh?" Beca responded, not looking up from the water._

"_Are you _**sure**_ you don't remember us playing the game?"_

_Beca glanced up with a toothy grin. "I already said no, silly."_

_Julia sat back in the tub after that, her anxiety momentarily quelled. Beca looked up at her after another ten minutes passed without words shared between them. There was a sad look on Julia's face and she wondered was it because Mr. Robert hadn't been home all weekend. Gathering a hand full of bubbles, the nine year old blew at them, sending them towards the older woman to capture her attention and pull her from her day dream. When Julia looked at her with a sad smile Beca asked, "Are you ok?"_

"_Yeah, Honey. I'm fine."_

"_Then why are you crying?" The nine year old asked, pointing out eh watery film of unshed tears across Julia's eyes._

"_I'm not." She said, looking away in what Beca could see was her attempt to blink back her tears. This wasn't the first time she had seen her cry today. When she thought Beca was asleep, Beca could hear her turn away from her to sob into her pillow. _

"_But you were. I heard you in bed. Is it because of Mr. Robert?"_

_Julia turned back to the little girl sitting across from her. The genuine concern of the nine year old warmed her heart and she offered a smile, albeit a halfhearted and melancholic one, as she answered truthfully. "Yeah. I just…I miss him."_

_Beca hesitated for moment before asking, "Is it because of me that he won't come home? Cuz I'm at your house all the time?"_

_Julia shook her head and said no but Beca knew it was a lie. She heard them arguing despite how much they tried to prevent it. _

"_Please tell me what's wrong, Ms. Julia." Beca begged, hating to see her so upset._

_Julia looked at her and let a tear fall. "I'm afraid."_

"_Afraid of what?"_

"_Of being alone…Robert left me and one day you will leave me…I'm fear that one day you will see me differently and you will want to leave, too."_

_Scooting up to hug Julia, she wrapped her arms around the older woman and said, "I promise that I'm never gonna leave you like Mr. Robert did." Her voice held total conviction as she spoke. _

_Julia didn't respond or move right away as if she were debating the veracity of the nine year old's statement. After seconds passed, Julia's arms wrapped around and Beca felt a kiss being placed on the top of her head as Julia softly said, "I believe you, Blackbird. I know you'll keep your promise."_

Beca's eyes opened, a bright light pulling her from her slumber. When her eyes were met by a blinding sun shining through the window, she turned her head to look at the opposite side of the room. The alarm clock on the night stand next to her displayed that it was 8:17 am. With a deep exhale, she moved to get up, trying to pull her arm from under Julia, who had during night the cuddled into Beca's body, her arms wrapped around the small brunette's waist.

Despite what great efforts Beca went to so that she could leave without rousing the older woman, she failed, and she sighed when she heard Julia moving behind her as she pulled on her sneakers.

"Good morning," came a soft voice from behind her.

"Mornin'." She mumbled, standing up and turning to look at Julia.

"Where are you going?"

Beca sighed. "Home, Julia. I shouldn't have come here in the first place. I need to go." She didn't intend for her response to be an almost mirror copy of her words the last time she had left but it was the truth. She knew that whatever she had thought she'd accomplish by coming here was never going to happen and she needed to go while she still could.

"You…you don't need to run off." Julia said, sitting up on the bed. "I can make breakfast for us and we can talk like you wanted to now that you've sobered up a bit." She chuckled shyly as she admitted, "I even have some of those terrible frozen waffles you insist on eating."

Beca's eyes raked across the various bite marks left on Julia's shoulders and neck as well as the hand prints left on her wrists and thighs from her rough treatment of the older woman the previous night. The shame she felt the night before came creeping back as a result. She backed away from Julia's hopeful face and shook her head. "Uh…no thanks. I really should get going."

Julia quickly crawled across the bed and grabbed her hand. "Please don't leave, Blackbird. Not again…" Her voice was desperate but Beca could see that normally resolute and reserved woman didn't care as she pleaded with her not to go, her eyes beginning to water. The last time they were in this position Beca had walked out of her life never to return for two years.

"We can start over and be friends. I don't need a physical relationship, Blackbird. I just want _you_…in any capacity."

Beca pulled her hand from Julia's grasp when she once again saw the evidence on Julia's wrists of the mistake she almost made the night before.

"Don't leave, sweetheart." Julia said through her sobs as she continued to plead with the younger woman. "You can't. I need you and you need me. I _know_ you love me, too."

And just like that, any sympathy she had for Julia was gone. That small bit of arrogance Julia displayed, as if she were certain Beca couldn't live without her, reminded Beca exactly why she hated Julia in the first place.

With a scoff, she removed the gun from where she didn't even remember tucking it in the back waist band of her jeans. She checked to make sure the safety was still on before unloading it and sitting it on the bedside table. She looked at the sobbing woman and took in the sight of her falling apart just as she had the last time they found themselves in this circumstance.

"You were a really great person when you weren't making me do that _stuff_ and I loved you for that. But for everything you gave me, you took it all away every time you touched me." She shook her head mindlessly as she sighed trying to get her words out despite the knot in her throat. "I'm done losing sleep, crying and hurting over what you did to me. I—I don't think I'll ever 'get over it' but I think I'll be able to learn to live with myself. Eventually, when I finally kiss my _girlfriend_, I won't think about how you stole my first one. When I hold her hand, I won't think about how you pinned mine down as you stole my virginity, and when I tell her I love her, she'll see all the trust I'm giving her, the same trust you saw when you stole my innocence. I survived and I _will _heal. And as much as it eats you up inside, Julia, I _will_ forget _you_."

She turned around and walked out of the room ignoring Julia's cries and pleas for her to come back. By the time she reached the living room, Julia was screaming for her not to leave and Beca could hear making her way towards the steps. Grabbing her bag, she dumped all of Julia's stuff out, and pulled the bag onto her shoulder. She walked over to the door and pulled it open but before she stepped outside she made the mistake of looking back.

Julia stood at the bottom of the steps, tears falling form her eyes as she begged Beca not to go and that she loved her. "What about your promise, huh? You promised to never leave me." Julia's whimpers carried throughout the house, the emptiness amplifying them as she cried.

"And you promised to never hurt me. I guess that makes us both liars, huh?" With a sad frown, she said, "Bye Julia. I'm sorry," and stepped onto the porch. She closed the door to the house and by extension, that chapter of her life. As she made her way down the front steps and walkway she wiped at the tear drops that managed to escape her eyes. Julia was a tumor and Beca had lost part of herself in the painful process of trying to remove it. It hurt but it had to be done and now the only thing left for her to do was to try and move on. To try and heal.

To try and imagine a future for this hopeless and miserable tragic life of what was once a beautiful child.


	33. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

**Why Can't I Find My Way Back? **

_Dear Jessica, _

_The first time I had a drink (on my own) was when I was 11. After that first time (when Julia raped me—molested me? I'm not so sure about the technical terms and googling it is just to triggering for me), Julia started getting me drunk before she touched me. It never took much either. Usually, a glass of wine was enough to make me complicit. So, I started drinking, a lot, on my own so that I'd be used to it—so that one glass of wine wouldn't knock me on my ass. But, I don't know, even after she stopped giving me wine, I was so numb and removed from it all, that when she'd reach over and place her hand between my legs, I didn't fight it. After all, she wasn't hurting _**me**_**. **__I was never mentally "there" for it. It took me two years, around thirteen years old when I no longer needed to drink to build up my tolerance and it was around that age that I didn't need drink to deal with the sex. When she'd grow stiff above me, her eyes rolling back, and a stream of serpentine wetness dripping down from between her legs to mix with the sweat on my thighs, it wasn't me, but a shell of what I'd left behind while _**I **_hid in the closet, a witness to it all. When she'd roll off of me, I'd tip toe out of my hiding place, watching as my body inhaled and exhaled, drawing me closer and it was as if I was breathing in my soul again. Jessica, I wonder, if all those years there was a day where my soul never came out of its hiding place and I was just too drunk to notice._

Beca thanked the Uber driver as she exited the small grey Nissan. Unfortunately, she still had to walk across campus to get to her dorm because she only had enough in her bank account to get here to the main part of campus. She was still slightly drunk and it didn't help that she was feeling the beginning effects of a hangover. Nor did the sun that was becoming increasingly irritating as the minutes wore on. She pushed on, however, knowing that once she was back in her room she could pass out like she desperately wanted to. Luckily it was Sunday and no one was really roaming around due to classes letting out for Spring Break on Friday. It lessened the chance of her running into anyone from the team, particularly Chloe and Aubrey. She didn't have a problem with Chloe, per say, but she had a feeling that the redhead would try and convince her to talk to Aubrey and that was something Beca absolutely _did not_ want to do. Plus, Beca still wasn't quite sure whether or not Chloe knew about Aubrey's thesis beforehand. So, for now Chloe was on her list of people she didn't want to see. That list also included Coach Abernathy who she couldn't face after her inadvertent admission of what happened to her.

She knew she had to pick up Biscuit from Jesse, who she knew was still on campus due to the men's team still being in the playoffs. She wondered if Wesley was still crashing in his room. She knew she should go pick up her dog, especially since Jesse wasn't even allowed to have pets in his dorm, but his building was literally at the top of the hill on 7th street and that was a trek she wasn't ready to make. With a promise to herself to text the basketball player, she tightened her jacket around her body as she passed the upperclassmen dorm, Wadsworth Hall. Beca just felt so disconnected from it all, like she didn't even belong here anymore. She didn't want to attend Barden initially and when she finally found something that might possibly give her a reason to stick around, Aubrey goes and commits the ultimate betrayal. Beca was so concerned with protecting herself from the others outside of her emotional walls that she didn't stop to check if she could trust the one woman she let inside.

Wiping at a tear as it fell, she continued to walk. What made the entire ordeal that much worse was that if Aubrey had a genuine believable reason that justified what she did, Beca knew she could find it in herself to forgive her. Beca didn't _like_ feeling like this. She _hated_ hating Aubrey and yet she was forced to because it canceled out the shame she felt about the fact that she still loved her. She had actually saw herself in the future being emotional healthy and happy with Aubrey.

"_We should just leave. We could go to Italy like you always wanted." Beca paused not turning to Aubrey, she didn't want to see Aubrey's face if she thought what she said was foolish. "We can buy a rundown cottage for super cheap and fix it up." _

_Aubrey grinned slightly, her eyes not leaving the blue sky above them. Beca could read her girlfriend's mind and knew thoughts wondering what brought on this conversation were spanning her mind. She had never heard Beca discuss anything related to their future beyond a day or two. So to hear her discuss such long term plans was probably a surprise, and maybe a welcome change, for the senior. _

"_We could do it you know. We could retire before at 40. I could sell my art and you could sing. We could even do simple stuff like make those brownies you don't think I see you sneak into the cart at the store. We could even make cakes and other pastries minus the evil bags of flour." _

_Both women pulled their gaze from the sky at Beca's mention of flour to stare at each other. Aubrey began to laugh. Soon enough Beca joined in and the two laid comfortably side by side as they laughed between themselves rejoicing in the memory of their first holiday together. _

_Beca wondered if she had loved Aubrey even then and just didn't realize it. She had never pictured a future for herself. She was almost certain that she'd drink herself to death or take a razor to her wrists if her liver hadn't already failed her by then. But now, laying with who could possibly be the love of her life, she knew her future was possible and never had she ever thought she'd say that she wanted another person with her every step of the way. At that thought, the serious tone her voice held earlier returned. _

"_We could do any and everything and we could do it together." Beca paused, and turned on her side to look at her girlfriend. "I probably sound stupid don't I?"_

_Aubrey offered a soft smile and shifted closer to lean her head on Beca's shoulder. "No. I don't think you sound stupid at all."_

_For a moment beca didn't speak, still lost in her fantasy. It seemed like a fairy tale but at the same time it seemed like a life within reach. That if she really wanted to, she could reach out and grab it. Make it her own. "Would you follow me?"_

"_Always."_

"_Do you promise?"_

"_I do. I promise to always be right there by your side."_

The chilly wind pulled her from the memory and she sighed bitterly, her one moment of peace stolen by reality crashing into her with the cold air. A future with Aubrey, it had all seemed so _obtainable_ and now…now it all seemed so finite…impossible…stupid.

"Beca?"

The freshman grimaced at her name being called. So much for getting to her dorm undeterred. She turned around and didn't even try to fake a smile. She was tired and wasn't in the mood to chat. A sweaty and flushed Jessica jogged up to her. What was she doing on campus? It was spring break.

"I never go home for break. On the plus side, running when the campus is empty is so much more peaceful."

Beca looked at her in confusion. She didn't say that out loud, had she?

The junior chuckled. She used the back of her hand to wipe at the beads of sweat on her forehead. "Yeah you did. But I should ask where you've been. The whole team has been worried. Coach sent out a mass text early this morning telling us if anyone talked to you to tell you to contact her immediately. I assume that's not what you want to do, is it?"

Beca didn't bother answering, allowing the scowl on her face to respond for her. Abernathy's text must have gotten loss in the mass group of texts that Beca had ignored since the night before. After the first ten or so messages and calls from Aubrey begging her to let her explain, Beca just turned off her phone completely. Now that she thought about it, she still hadn't turned it back on. Oh well, there wasn't anyone important that she really wanted to be in contact with anyway.

"Well, um, how about this. Come up to my room and at least sleep off the booze." She held up a hand to silence Beca when it was clear the brunette was going to protest. "You don't want to be by yourself during that in case you throw up or something."

Beca grunted disapprovingly but followed the junior back to her dorm which wasn't that far since she lived in Wadsworth Hall. She was silent the entire elevator ride up. Her mind preoccupied with all that happened so far. She could still hear Julia's cries for her to return. As much of a brave front Beca had put forth at her house, it hurt Beca, too. It was difficult to cut off the person who she'd been depended on for so long. She wondered would Ashley be there, too. It wasn't that she didn't like the Forward but she just wanted to be alone. Jessica wouldn't allow that, however, so Beca wanted to at least limit the amount of people around her if she had to have contact with someone.

The metal doors parted in front of them and Jessica let her exit first. She just hoped Jessica would get the hint that she didn't want to talk and would just leave her alone. The small blonde opened her dorm and instructed Beca to sit on her bed and she'd get her something to change in.

"You can use the shower down the hall. I think I'm the only one on the floor so you shouldn't run into anyone."

Beca just nodded, the fatigue of everything catching up to her. She took the towel and washing materials from Jessica and numbly exited the dorm room to head to the bathroom to shower. She turned the shower on, quickly discarding her clothes and hen stepping into the hot steam. She twisted the shower handle as far as it would go. Her pale skin was soon flushed with an angry red from the heat but she remained rooted under the shower spray, crying out loud in pain. With a ragged whimper she fell to her knees, he water pelting her face and soaking her hair. Wet locks of hair twisted down her face and shoulders. Her tears soon joined the steaming water, cascading downwards to disappear down the drain. A strangled and pained gasp escaped her as she took a staggering breath. The tears continued to flow from her eyes mixing with the water, both falling freely from her face and body as she was overwhelmed with sadness.

She realized a long time ago that the worst nightmares to be had did not occur in the midst of the night when one was trapped in sleep. The scariest nightmares bled into your life and forced you to fight and claw at the edges of your subconscious to wake up. Beca wished her life were simple enough where she could simply get away from the situation and free herself from this. She knew that for some, that type of mercy was granted but for others, their nightmares were a permanent bleeding wound that would never heal. It would always be with them, haunting them with memories of the harsh reality they couldn't escape. Trapped in a nightmare with only a hope and a prayer that you'd wake up soon. Laying here on this filthy shower floor, water cascading down over her burning her skin raw, she knew she could dream of mercy. That this sadly, was a nightmare she was never going to wake from.

_Well I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,  
She felt it everyday.  
And I couldn't help her,  
I just watched her make the same mistakes again._

_What's wrong, what's wrong now?  
Too many, too many problems.  
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.  
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
It's where she lies, broken inside.  
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside._

Aubrey looked away from where she'd been staring out the window to glance at her best friend as she took a seat next to her. She honestly hadn't wanted to get out the bed, nonetheless wake up at five am in order to go to the airport. She knew Chloe was trying to make her feel better, by forcing her to accompany her to Cancun where the rest of the team would also be spending their break, but she really wasn't in the mood for anything like that. She would much rather have spent her weak back home in North Carolina on the beach with Beca like they had planned. All before she messed everything up.

"_So you don't want to go to Cancun?" she asked the brunette below her. _

_Beca looked up from where she was laying with her head in Aubrey's lap, her sketch pad resting against her bent knees while she drew. "Nope."_

"_Why? The entire team is going. It should be fun."_

"_I don't want to spend my first break in months with the entire team. I want to spend it with you."_

_Aubrey leaned over and kissed her forehead, "Well what do you have in mind?"_

"_I don't know. That's why I asked you." She said, her eyes focusing back on the drawing pad in front of her. _

_Aubrey watched her continued to add shadows to the raven perched on the tree above them she had been drawing. Aubrey wondered if the Blackbird was an omen like the superstition dictated. It wasn't everyday one saw an actual raven in Georgia. A crow maybe but not a raven. _

"_What about the crystal coast back home? It's really beautiful this time of year. Wes and I used to go every summer when we were younger."_

_Beca hummed contently. "The beach with my beautiful girlfriend all to myself, how could I ever turn such an offer down?"_

_Aubrey rolled her eyes, knowing that Beca was being overly affectionate because she found relationships that were so cheesy to be something to be mocked. But she could hear the compassion and fondness behind her wry. She knew Beca did want to spend time with her and genuinely cared about her. That thought alone pushed the thoughts of omens out of her mind. There was no way anything could come between the bond they built. Nothing could end this happiness._

She had just wished she realized that she didn't have to look out for others trying to ruin their relationship. She needed to look internally and she would have realizing she was the one that was a threat to their relationship. She was the one that ruined it, destroying it at its foundation until it crumbled to nothing.

"I'm glad you stopped dying your hair. It's been so long since I've seen you with dark hair." Chloe commented as she buckled her seatbelt.

Aubrey nodded mutely. A lot of her hair had grown back out in its natural shade but there was still a good nine or ten inches that remained blonde. She hated the two colors but had kept it in order to keep her promise to Beca so she usually just put it in a bun or loose braid like she had now. She turned back to the window to watch as the plane pulled away from the ramp and began taxiing. When she was younger it used to be her favorite part of the flight. Taking off. The feeling of it gaining such great speeds before effortlessly gliding into the air it used to bring her such elation. Now it barely stirred her heart. She wondered if this empty feeling in her or this guilt in her heart would ever go away.

She felt a hand cover hers and she glanced at her best friend, hoping she couldn't see the tears brimming in her eyes.

"Everything is going to be ok, Bree."

"No it's not. I just…I really fucked up, bug." She rasped, the knot in her throat making it hard to speak. Her heart sank more as she thought about what last night actually meant.

"Beca was—is suicidal chlo. I shouldn't be here. I should be back on campus trying to find her. Oh God, what if she…" Her hands trembled while she fought her tears. She closed her eyes trying to calm down.

Chloe sighed. "Beca is alive, Bree."

Aubrey's eyes snapped open and her head immediately turned towards Chloe. "How do you know that? Have you talked to her?"

"No, not really. I sent her a text this morning to see if she was ok. I was concerned too that she would hurt herself." She reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out her cellphone, opening it to her messaging app. Aubrey grabbed the phone desperate to see what Beca said. She had seen the bloody napkins. She knew Beca's past regarding elf harm. She'd never forgive herself if something happened to Beca because of her.

_**Chloe 7:11 am: Becs, please just tell me you're ok.**_

_**Beca: 7:34 am: And why should I be ok? Were you not in that apartment with me last night? I'm anything but ok.**_

_**Chloe: 7:35 am: Aubrey and I are worried out of our minds. Please just tell me you aren't hurt. Aubrey would never forgive herself if you hurt yourself over her.**_

_**Beca: 7:36 am: Tell Aubrey she's not even worth it. **_

Aubrey's hand covered her mouth as she read the messages. What had she'd done?

"You and Beca will get through this." Chloe said, taking her phone from her best friend. "You just have to have a little faith. You and Beca have been through so much. I'm sure you can overcome this too."

Aubrey just shook her head, watching as the view outside her window transformed from the landscape of the runway to the blueness of the sky. "Beca isn't going to forgive me. She's god know where and I don't think she's ever coming back."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do, Chlo. We were so close, Bug. You have no idea how much she confided in me. About her mom, her father, just everything and what did I do with it? I put it in a stupid research paper. How can I claim to love her when I did the worst possible thing?"

Chloe remained silent, trying to figure out a response to the question posed. She knew that she had told Aubrey she didn't think she could get back Beca but she really wished she was wrong. Seeing her best friend like this, it made her feel so helpless.

"Every relationship has obstacles, and this is just one that you have to overcome."

Aubrey shook her head and continued to cry as she wrapped her arm around Chloe's waist and laid her head in the redhead's shoulder. "But she's had enough obstacles in life. I was supposed to be the one thing that wouldn't knock her down. The _one person_ she could depend on."

Chloe leaned over and kissed Aubrey's forehead. "It's not over, Bree. You can't give up fighting."

"But I've already lost, Chloe. I've lost _her._"

_Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.  
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.  
Be strong, be strong now.  
Too many, too many problems.  
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.  
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
It's where she lies, broken inside.  
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside._

When Beca opened her eyes, the first thing she noticed was the full moon outside. That was a direct contrast to the bright sun she had seen shining through the window when she initially passed out. She attempted to sit up, but the pressing feeling of a ten ton boulder on her head forced her to lay back down with a groan of discomfort.

"I'm glad you're awake. I started to call 911."

She turned on her side to see Jessica sitting at her desk working on her computer. "How long was I out for?"

Jessica glanced over at her for a second before turning her attention back to the screen in front of her. "About a day." She pointed over to the small foldable table next to the bed that beca hadn't noticed until that moment. "I picked you up a sandwich from the Nuzzo's and there's also some aspirin for you since I know your head must hurt."

Beca looked at the junior gratefully as she blindly reached out for the bottle of Tylenol, flipping open the cap. Shake out two capsules, she threw them in her mouth and dry swallowed them. She normally avoided pills because of her not so pleasant history with them but her head was killing her. She attempted to sit up again and she was glad to be successful in her efforts this time.

"Why are you still in campus? I though the team was going to Cancun?" she asked, peeking inside the paper bag but quickly closing it when the smell of mayonnaise brought on a sudden wave of nausea.

"I couldn't afford a ticket a trip like that. Ashley offered to stay behind but I told her to go on and have fun. She could use the break. Besides, I get more work done here in my quiet dorm than I could get at home."

Beca nodded before bending over to grab her sneakers to slide them on her feet. "Do you think the campus shuttle is still running?"

"Yeah," Jessica said tentatively. "But you're not leaving."

Beca sighed. "Look jess, I appreciate you letting me crash here but I just want to go home."

Jessica, spun around in her desk chair to face her. "No. I'm not letting you leave so that you can go feel sorry for yourself and drown your sorrows in whiskey again. I don't know what happened to you or why you ran off after the game but that's no reason to drink your life away."

Beca scoffed and averted her eyes. "You don't know anything."

"I know more than you think."

Beca rolled her eyes and looked at the junior with a scowl. "Oh well in that case, _please_ enlighten me to the knowledge that grants you the right to tell me what to do with my life."

Jessica didn't answer right away and beca rolled her eyes as she stood up to leave, muttering, "That's what I thought." Jessica had no right to dictate her drinking habit. No one did. Not even Aubrey. She hadn't minded before because she cared about the senior but now in hindsight it only angered her thinking of how much she did for Aubrey. Aubrey told her to stop drinking before she had the slightest clue as to the demons Beca had that forced her to drink. Nevertheless, Beca had granted her request and she gave up the only life jacket she had to prevent herself from drowning in her past. It hurt and it frightened her but she had done it for Aubrey. Because she loved Aubrey.

She made it to the door before Jessica's voice rang out in the room. "You remember my monologue from class…well that was true. All of it. It was my junior year of high school and I remember…" she chuckled bitterly as she looked away from Beca. "I remember it was the day after I got the news that I qualified for regionals when I found out that I had osteosarcoma and would have to most likely have the bones affected amputated. Three weeks later, my tibia and fibula were gone. I got a prosthetic and I just watched, helpless as one school after the other began to stop sending out scouts. I still could run but not many teams were jumping at the chance to recruit me. I started drinking, heavily, and I nearly flunked out of school. Now I come from a lower class blue collar family in Oregon. Scholarships were the only way I was gonna go to college without being in debt for the rest of my life. I came here fronting the bill on loans and it was by chance that Abernathy saw me playing around in the gym with Ash just shooting around and stuff."

Beca scoffed at the thought of Abernathy finding Jessica in the gym. She couldn't help but think that the older woman had a habit of walking in on unsuspecting people in the gym when they thought they were alone. It was almost as if she had some sort of alarm set.

"Did—did you play basketball before?"

"I used to play a little in high school, my freshman year but I soon quit to focus on running." She stood up and walked over to Beca, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Barden gave me a chance, particularly Coach. Ashely had vouched for me and told her I used to run and how fast I was. I guess after she left Abernathy must have google me or something and saw my stats because a few days later she called me to tryout. She had me sent to a summer camp to work on my skills and got me some scholarship money. She told me she couldn't promise I'd get a lot of playing time but she knew I was fast and had a semi decent shot."

Beca looked at her curiously. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I know how it feels to want to drown away everything, to want to keep pushing it down further with drink after drink."

Beca pulled away from Jessica and walked to the opposite side of the room, sitting down on the bed dejectedly. "Not to sound like an asshole but what I'm dealing with isn't like that. I can't just cut away the parts of myself that are making me sick. You've learned to live without your leg and you can still have a normal life. I don't' have that chance. I can't cut away parts of my mind. Life screwed me over really good and I don't think I'm ever gonna come back from this. So no, Jessica, you don't understand how I feel. You have no idea how hard it is for me and booze is the only thing that makes it better. So don't sit there on our high horse and look at me because I want to stop the pain in the least bloody way I know how."

"You don't think I want to drown in a bottle of bourbon?" Jessica asked, the anger in her voice surprising the brunette. "You don't think I want to get drunk until I can't see straight and scream at the world that it's not fucking fair? That've been screwed over once again? Well I do beca but you want to know what I learned a long while ago, drinking doesn't fucking help. I woke up with a hangover and guess what? I still had fucking cancer!"

Beca stared at her teammate, shock on her face at the sudden anger directed at her. Jessica sighed and returned to her seat by her desk. "I'm sorry for yelling but, I just need you to understand getting blackout drunk isn't going to make the problem disappear. It's still gonna be there the next morning with a hangover to boot."

Beca looked up through teary eyes "But your cancer is gone…I wake up in the morning and I was still molested and raped. _That_ won't go into remission. It won't suddenly disappear."

Jessica's eyes widened at her revelation and she reached out to Beca but the brunette shrunk away. She wiped at her eyes in frustration, sniffling slightly before looking at Jessica. She didn't need her pity.

"So, like I said, you might be able to relate but you will never understand my life Jessica. You stopped drinking because you woke up one day without cancer, right?"

Jessica nodded softly, "Yeah. I was in remission for two years."

The junior's choice of words captured Beca's attention. Didn't cancer survivors usually say they _are_ in remission? A former alcoholic doesn't say 'I was sober for X amount of years' so why did the small blonde in front of her use the past tense when referring to her recovery?

"Was?"

Jessica sighed, reaching over to jiggle the mouse on her laptop to prevent it from going to sleep in what both women knew was her attempt to stall.

"They found something in my pelvis two weeks ago. I've been putting off the biopsy until our season ended. I'm supposed to go in at the end of the week.

"But that's dangerous. Why are you waiting?"

"Honestly?" she fumbled with her hands for a few seconds before bringing her eyes back up to look at the brunette in front of her. "Because I don't want to know if it's malignant or not. I thought that after the first time it was finally over. If the cancer is back and I have the surgery, what's to stop it from happening a third time or a forth until there's nothing left for them to amputate and I'm just a limbless torso without the inability to do the one thing I love."

Beca looked at her with a countenance that was a mixture of shock, sadness, and pity. Jessica could see her trying to formulate something to say but she didn't want to hear her scramble to reassure her about something that she knew was possibly an inevitable and grim reality. She shook her head, "I might have cancer but it doesn't trivialize your problems." She grabbed a tissue from the small box by her desk lamp and handed it to beca who accepted it gratefully.

Beca wiped at her nose. She took a deep breath that made her lungs shake. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention what I told you to anyone."

"Of course not…did you really quit the team?"

"Yeah. I can't go back there and I shouldn't have done it in the first place."

"I understand that you have to do what you think is best for you, it's just gonna suck not having you around. You genuinely make the team better and playing has been much more fun since you've joined. Even Aubrey took the stick out of her ass and isn't so uptight anymore." She paused when she heard beca scoff.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"…it's not you," she said wiping her wrists beneath her eyes to curtain the fresh set of tears.

Jessica appeared to hesitate, seemingly grappling in her mind on whether or not to speak. "Is it Aubrey? Is she the reason you're like this?"

"Partially. She was the straw that broke the camel's back I guess."

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want."

Beca sat back on the bed and drew her knees to her chest. "When I told Aubrey what I told you, about what happened to me, she swore to me she'd never tell anyone…not only did she break that promise, she wrote a forty page paper on it."

Jessica gasped, but didn't say speak, afraid of saying the wrong thing.

"I'm here if you want to talk to me."

"Why do you care?

"Because you're my friend."

Beca grunted disbelievingly. "Why?"

"Because I care about you."

That made Beca laugh a dry hollow sound. "Well don't."

"Well I am," Jessica shot back defiantly.

"Then you're a fool." She was mad not at Jessica, but she was the only person in the room and thus an unfortunate target of her anger. "I don't deserve to be cared about. I'm toxic and fucking poison to everyone around me." She could hit something. Not Jessica but she wanted to unleash some of this rage. She wanted to break and shatter a window or something else fragile. She'd then look at the pieces and point and say 'That's me. That's my life. That's who I am.'

Jessica remained calm and didn't address her comments. She simply blinked and then stood to move towards the bed, taking a seat next her.

"I mean it Beca. I'm here to listen if you want to talk."

Jessica's words echoed throughout Beca's mind, and it was as if they were a metal bat to the small bit of resistance she had to keep her tears at bay shattering her defenses and unleashing everything. She rested her forehead on her knees as she began to sob. Her face was shielded behind a curtain of hair and she didn't look up when a thin arm wrapped around her shoulder. She was uncomfortable with the touch but she didn't pull away either.

"I trusted her. I _loved _her and she went and did that to me." She turned her head to look at Jessica numbly wiping away a flow of fresh, angry tears with her shirt sleeve. "Ya know, before Saturday, I had been four months sober. She gave me a reason to want to stay sober. How ironic is it that she's now the sole reason I want to drink?" She asked with a chuckle but it as humorless and sad. She turned away and hid her face once again.

Jessica tightened her hold on beca and said, "Well I'm going to help you get sober again. What Aubrey did…that was not only a violation of your privacy but a betrayal of your trust. And as much as it hurts, you're never gonna move on if you continue to drink and wallow in that pain."

"But it hurts jess. It hurts so fucking much." She didn't know why she allowed herself to be so vulnerable around the woman she hadn't know before this year. Especially after what she had just experienced. But there just something about the sincerity in Jessica's voice that told Beca she was being honest. That putting trust in her wouldn't be misplaced as it had been with Aubrey.

She continued to cry for hours and not once did Jessica complain. She just continued to silently rub her back. She didn't tell her everything was going to be ok or try and reassure her with empty promises. She just comforted her and for Beca that was enough. Until that point, beca had been so preoccupied with Julia that she hadn't really dealt with how she felt about Aubrey. She had aside the sadness of heartbreak to deal with her anger towards Julia and now it was all flooding back to the surface.

She had been knocked down so many times in life. So many damn times she honestly believed that rock bottom was where she belonged. But then Aubrey came into her life and gave her hope that maybe she could be better, that she could heal and move past the trauma from her childhood. Aubrey was supposed to be the _one person_ she could depend on and that turned out to be too good to be true. She didn't understand how she could love someone so much and hate them just the same.

After a while, her sobs lessened until she was only trembling slightly. Jessica looked over at her with a soft smile. "How about we do something to get your mind off of everything."

She wasn't in the mood to do anything or go anywhere but she knew Jessica was genuinely trying to help her. If she thought this was something she needed to do, she wouldn't fight her on it. She was too drained emotionally to do so anyway.

"Ok."

"Great. There's that new horror movie out called The Visit I think. I've been wanting to go for a while but if I go to the movies by myself people will think I have no friends. I mean—I don't but I can't have strangers thinking that."

Beca looked up at her and found herself speaking with complete honesty and conviction before she realized it. "You have one."

_Her feelings she hides.  
Her dreams she can't find.  
She's losing her mind.  
She's fallen behind.  
She can't find her place.  
She's losing her faith.  
She's fallen from grace.  
She's all over the place.  
Yeah,oh_

_She wants to go home, but nobody's home.  
It's where she lies, broken inside.  
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.  
Broken inside._

_She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah_


	34. Chapter 33

Final OC Cast List

_**Julia: Lauren Cohan**_

_**Wesley: Robert Sheehan**_

_**Emma: Emilia Clark**_

_**Johanna: Yara Shahidi**_

_**Lea: Zoë Kravitz**_

_**Kelly: (I still have no idea)**_

_**Robert: Tom Welling**_

_**Charlie: Alex Morgan**_

_**Patricia: Sarah Clarke *** (I also thought of Christine Lahti, she played Sonya Paxton on law and Order SVU but I think Sarah Clarke fit better.) **_

_**Ruth: Eva Green**_

_**Leanne: Clemmie Dugdale**_

_*****I know the NCAA tournament usually takes place in the span of a month, the month of march, but for the sake of this story I'm asking you guys to suspend disbelief for a moment and pretend the tournament happens over March and into April.**_

Chapter 33

Through the Looking Glass

From: Gail Abernathy McKadden  
Sent at 8:15 am

_**Good morning ladies, I hope you've enjoyed your break thus far. As much as it pains me to do so, I'm requesting that you all return to campus immediately for an emergency meeting Thursday afternoon at 12. I hate that you're forced to cut your break short but it is with good reason that I ask that you return to campus. **_

It had been officially five days since she saw Beca. Five days since she heard her voice. Five days since Beca had found out what she had done and five days since she had effectively cut Aubrey out of her life. The senior walked into the gym, pausing in the doorway to see who had already arrived. It seemed she was the last one. She sighed and tightened her hold on her purse as she walked into the gym. Chloe waved her over and Aubrey walked towards the group of girls hoping no one would question her about Beca's whereabouts. A part of her hoped Beca would show up but she knew it was a futile wish. She took a seat on the front of the bleachers next to her best friend and folded her hands, resting them on her crossed legs to wait patiently for their coach to arrive.

"Does anyone know why we're here?" she heard Ashley ask from behind her. She didn't have to turn around to feel the several sets of eyes staring at her. She knew as team captain that this was something she should know but with everything in her life falling apart she hadn't even bothered calling Abernathy to request details after she sent the mass text.

Aubrey glanced back at her team, "I'm sure she will inform us all when she arrives. Until then just wait patiently."

"Wonder who has her bra in a knot." Fat Amy mumbled.

"I don't think that's how that saying goes." Stacie quipped.

The Australian snorted and retorted, "Well I'm sorry I'm not the master of these stupid Americanisms." The two began to bicker back and forth and Aubrey was growing frustrated as time wore on.

"Enough!" she yelled. "If you two cannot sit and wait like civilized human beings you can leave and I'm sure someone will fill you in what you missed. Otherwise, shut the hell up." She knew it was unfair to lash out at her teammates but she was already hanging on by a thread and the last thing she needed was the added headache their fighting would cause. She looked down when she felt a hand covering hers. She knew it was Chloe from the yellow nail polish coating her fingernails and she looked up with a grateful smile.

"It'll be ok, Bree," she said softly so that only Aubrey could hear her. She nodded at her best friend and turned away to look in the direction of one of the gym doors slamming shut. Coach Abernathy walked into the room wearing jeans and a t-shirt to the surprise of everyone. They usually only saw the older woman in track pants and a polo shirt or the suits she wore during game day. To see her so casual was a shock. Aubrey even noticed she was wearing converse.

The older woman must have noticed everyone's stairs because she chuckled and said, "I do have a life outside of coaching you group of knuckleheads."

Jessica smirked, "And what you're gonna tell me the tooth fairy doesn't exist either?" this brought a laugh out of everyone even Aubrey. It felt like so long since she'd laughed.

"Oh I would never do such a thing." Abernathy joked before her voice turned serious. "Now onto more serious things. I, first, want to thank you all for cutting your break short."

Fat Amy raised her hand. "Yeah, about that. I hope there's a good reason because it's not easy prying away all the man candy I had in order to get to the airport."

Gail didn't look in the Australian's direction, purposely choosing to pretend she hadn't heard her. Instead, she focused her attention on the rest of her team. "Well last night I received a call from Dick Wolf, president of the NCAA. It seems Delaware State was disqualified for certain ethical violations that I won't go into detail about."

"Does that mean we're back in the tournament?" CR asked.

"Not quite. We have been given the chance to play Bellsmith and if we win we take Delaware's spot to play Baylor who had beaten Bellsmith in game three."

Chloe raised her hand, "So when are the games?"

The girls watched Gail flip through the sheets of paper on her clipboard before responding. "Well the Bellsmith game is tomorrow and we win we play Baylor that night." She listened to her team groan. "I understand it's a lot but this is a second chance that doesn't happen often…if ever."

Aubrey smiled softly, aware that what Gail said was true. Something like this had never happened—at least not an event she could recall. When a team was knocked out of the playoffs, there wasn't anything that could be done. This was, as Abernathy said, a second chance. A second chance that Beca wouldn't be here to take advantage of.

As if reading her mind, Emily spoke up and said, "But everyone's not here. We're missing Beca."

Fat Amy scooted forward to look over Aubrey and Chloe's shoulder. "I don't know what made her go off the deep end but you twig bitches better fix it because there's no way we're gonna win these games without her."

Coach Abernathy sighed, "Beca won't be coming back to the team." Everyone could see the solemn countenance she held as she said it.

"What, did she transfer or something?" Aubrey heard Fat Amy asked and her heart dropped at the prospect of Beca returning to the empire state for good now that Julia had moved.

"I'm not sure." Gail said. "I haven't spoken to her since that night. Speaking of which, has anyone been in contact with her. I'm very worried."

"Nah coach, I haven't seen her since the game either." CR said. There were murmurs of agreement and Gail sighed.

"Alright. I'll go and speak with her father and see if we can work on locating her."

"That's not necessary." Was spoken softly behind Aubrey. She, along with everyone else turned to look at the small blonde in the last row. Aubrey's eyes narrowed dangerously. Who did that bench warmer think she was, withholding information about _her _girlfriend?

"Jessica? Have you talked to Beca?" Gail asked. Aubrey watched Jessica nod and her anger grew. Jessica had no right to stay silent while she was here agonizing over the state of the brunette.

"She's on campus and she asked me to tell anyone where. Just know that she's ok and will turn her phone back on when she's ready."

Aubrey's nostrils flared as she exhaled harshly. "Where is she?" She demanded.

Jessica looked down to where Aubrey sat and rolled her eyes. "Yes. I clearly just told coach that and no, I'm not going to tell you where she is."

"What gives you the right—"

"The right?" Jessica asked, cutting off the senior with an incredulous laugh.

"Yes, the right. Beca is my girlfriend and I've been terrified that something happened to her. Now tell where she is dammit!"

Everyone watched the confrontation with rapt attention, seeing the small blonde get angrier as the conversation went on. Never had they seen her as angry as she currently was. "Beca isn't your girlfriend any longer Aubrey. And for your information, I have every right to withhold Beca's whereabouts seeing as I was the one that spent the break with her, helping her recover from what _you_ did."

Aubrey's mouth fell openly slightly as she listened to Jessica. Her voice unintentionally rose in pitch as she said, "You don't know—"

Jessica cut her off once again, standing up and descending the steel steps until she was right in front of the team captain. "I know exactly what I'm talking about Aubrey and I also think that it's pretty shitty to use someone you claim to care about for a grade."

Aubrey looked up at her, her lips pursed as she tried to hold in the vomit she felt rising to the surface. Hell, she thought she had put this nervous tick behind her in high school. Jessica continued to stand, probably waiting for Aubrey to offer an explanation or retort, but Aubrey had neither. What could she say to counter what Jessica did? She had, after all, done exactly what the junior accused her of.

Jessica snorted in contempt before walking away from the group.

Gail called for her to stop. When the junior stopped, the older woman looked at the rest of the team. "I'm holding practice today at three. I expect you all to be there warmed up and ready to start at three."

_Limb by limb and tooth by tooth  
Tearing up inside of me  
Every day every hour  
I wish that I was bullet proof_

Beca took a seat at the metal table, a large glass window in front of her. She wiped her hands on her pants, her palms suddenly clammy. She waited patiently for the other woman to come out and she began to wonder if this were even a good idea. When she had found out that certain federal prisoners allowed their inmates to send and receive emails, she had decided to give it a try because she felt she had nothing to lose. When she had written, she had expected to be turned down but not even three days later she had received an email with the simple sentence _'I'll have you added to my visitor's list.'_

So, now here she was. And despite her reservations, she knew this was something. When she saw the door open and the woman she'd been waiting for walked out, she let out a breath she was unware she had been holding. Beca watched as the inmate sat down opposite her, the bulletproof glass being the only barrier between them. Both women picked up the phone on each side of the glass and a deep voice bellowed through the receiver.

"Inmate 39487, you have ten minutes."

"Rebeca?"

"Leanne?"

The older woman chuckled, "When you wrote I had no idea who you were but seeing you, you've obviously matured but there are certain aspects of you that look the same."

"Ok really? Like what?"

Leanne pointed to Beca from her side of the glass partition. "That scared look on your face remains the same. Are you afraid of me?"

Beca sighed. She shook her head and looked down at the dingy table in front of her. "No. I just…I didn't know what to expect."

"Well you had to expect something right? You don't just write a convicted murder for the hell of it. So you might has well ask me what you wanted to know." A slight smile curved her lips.

Beca pulled the phone away from her ear to gather her words. Leanne was right, she had come here with the intent to ask questions. There was no point in wasting this opportunity.

"I just…why did you kill her?"

"Patricia?" she shrugged and her nonchalance was unsettling for the twenty year old. How could she be so indifferent about her crime? She had _murdered_ someone. Patricia was her abuser but it didn't mean she should be remorseless. "Why not? She wasn't a saint and it was a matter of time before she got what was coming to her."

"But, when you were standing there and thought of pulling the trigger, what went through your mind to make you go through with it? Why didn't you have second thoughts?"

Leanne must have heard something in her voice that gave away what she had done because she leaned forward to look at the small brunette who was trying to keep her voice from breaking. "Don't beat yourself up that you couldn't do it, Rebecca. Not everyone is a murderer, hell I wasn't but something about what I went through—what we went through, it breaks a person. It makes us into these people we never wanted to be."

"But I just…I wanted her to feel even a fraction of what she made me feel." Neither woman had to say exactly what it was that Beca was referring to. Her index and middle finger pinched the bridge of her nose as tears fell from her eyes, "I just don't understand why after all she's done to me I couldn't hurt her the way she hurt me."

"Hey, hey, listen to me Rebeca, you're not the only one that feels that way. I'm sure there were plenty of other girls with this same tattoo on their body," she lifted her wrist to show Beca the white feather on her wrist, "who wanted to end their torture even if it meant permanently ending their tormentors. I had been under Patricia's thumb for over fifteen years. And you know what, I was fine with my position in life. It wasn't like it would have been better if I hadn't met Patricia. I mean my momma couldn't afford a Pennington Private school education or SAT and ACT tutors and such. When she adopted another little girl I knew she wasn't going to be stopped and I snapped. I had given her everything, not complaining when she gave me away like a prized horse, including to Julia…although I felt we were both victims at the time."

"What was going through your mind when…" she paused, shaking her head at the thought. "I'm sorry I shouldn't ask in case someone is listening."

Leanne sat back in her chair, her legs stretching out in front of her as she crossed them at the ankles. Her arms crossed as well while she managed to still hold the phone to her ear. "Oh, don't worry, I'm here for life. Nothing they hear will change that. So, you want to know what I was thinking about before I pulled the trigger."

Beca sighed but shook her head. "I just want to know what made you go through with it because you had to know once you did it there was no going back."

"I did know that and it's exactly why I pulled I did it. I didn't _want_ to go back to that life. Patricia might have still used me for my body but she had other girls. Girls much younger than me…I…there was this little girl, her name was Sali, she was this orphan from Guyana. I was fifteen at the time and she had to be maybe four or five, I'm not sure, but the day Patricia brought her home and told me she was having photographers from Time magazine over to photograph the newest edition to our 'family' I knew she needed to be stopped." She trailed off, pausing to see if Beca was still listening. When she saw she had the twenty year old's attention she wiped at her eyes and spoke again. "I tried leaving anonymous tips on the police hotlines, I tried sending anonymous emails to major papers, but no one came to save me. I guess no one was brave enough to challenge the savior of New York. I had found Sali crying in her room after a night with Patricia, and I knew that I had to save that little girl. That's why I pulled the trigger, Rebeca, because people like her don't get better. They don't change. The only way to stop them is to kill them like the vermin they are."

A voice cut through the receiver startling both women, "Inmate this is a one minute warning."

"You don't regret anything?"

Leanne wiped at her eyes with the palms of her hands, "There is only one thing I do regret about the whole thing."

"Yeah? What is it?"

"I killed her hoping that it would change things, make them better, but it didn't. I still have nightmares and I'll always have the terrible memories of what she did to me. So, don't feel bad you weren't 'brave' enough to kill Julia because it wouldn't heal you and you'd just be thrown into a cell with all of your problems to eat at you until you die."

"But I just want to get better. I don't _want_ to always have this leash around my neck connecting me to Julia."

Leann gave her a sympathetic smile and nodded her head. "I can't promise that there'll be a day that you don't feel like that but I can say there was a day that I woke up and I didn't hate Patricia anymore. My mind wasn't at war with itself and for the first time everything seemed peaceful. People like us, that's all we can hope for. Just a moment of peace."

_Wax me  
Mould me  
Heat the pins and stab them in  
You have turned me into this  
Just wish that it was bullet proof_

Beca stood at the lake watching as the wind produced ripples on the water surface. She sighed and reached up, unclasping the necklace that had been at home around her neck for the past decade of her life. She held it in her hand, her thumb ghosting over the small charm.

"_It'll be like a little bit of me. As long as you have this, I'll always be with you." Julia explained softly as she reached forward to secure the necklace around the eight year old's neck. "Promise me you'll never take it off."_

_Beca giggled. "But what about when I shower?"_

_Julia's face remained firm as she said, "Promise me."_

_She reached up to touch the jewelry around her neck and grinned at the older woman, "I promise."_

_Julia finally allowed herself to smile. She placed her hands on Beca's cheeks, compelling the young girl to meet her eyes. "It's me and you against the world, Rebecca. Promise me you'll always be by my side."_

"_I promise, Ms. Julia. I'll never leave you."_

_Julia smiled and drew the younger girl's head forward to place a kiss on her forehead before pulling her into a hug. "I love you, Blackbird."_

"_I love you too, Ms. Julia."_

A tear fell as Beca pulled her fingers together into a fist around the jewelry in her hand before twisting slightly to throw it as far as the necklace would go into the lake.

'_People like us, that's all we can hope for. Just a moment of peace.'_

Beca turned away from the lake wishing that the peace she hoped for would come someday soon.

_So pay the money and take a shot  
Leadfill the hole in me  
I could burst a million bubbles  
All surrogate and bullet proof_

_And bullet proof  
And bullet proof  
And bullet proof_


	35. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

**Hold Me 'til my Pain Sleeps**

_Dear Ma, _

_It has taken a lot of work mentally and emotionally to be at a place where my love for you isn't tainted by my overwhelming hate for you. I hated how much you drank when I was younger. I hated watching the blood drip from your arms when you'd carelessly shoot up in front of me at the kitchen table. I hated the slur of your words, how you stumbled around the house, your blackouts. I hated it all and yet, I found myself mirroring you. It wasn't until I admitted to myself that_ **I **_had a problem that I realized how easy it is to crawl into a bottle of Jack for comfort and find yourself stuck there._

_Ma, we've been stuck in this cycle for so long and I don't want to fight anymore. I knew back in December when Aubrey and I came by that you were sober and I didn't want to face that because hate is so much easier than forgiveness. I don't want to fight anymore, ma. I'm tired of blaming you and _**exhausted** _of hating you. I forgive you, ma. But please,_

_FORGIVE ME._

"It wasn't supposed to get so out of control so quickly. I mean…I watched my mother go through the exact same thing with dope and booze and as much as I _hated_ her habit, I didn't realize that I had become the one thing I despised." Beca trailed off thinking about what she had just said. As many times as she had attended these meetings, she always felt like this when she spoke—like she was looking for pity. She wasn't and she knew the others in the room weren't trying to offer any. After all, they all had their own stories, but it didn't help lessen this feeling.

"My thinking was pretty skewed back then, thinking if I drunk enough I wouldn't black out when _she_ would try to touch me. All the while, I was slowly turning myself into an alcoholic. I see now that an eleven year old only thinks of the now and not the long term. Maybe if I had realized this before, instead of punishing myself I would have lashed out at the one person who deserved my anger…" She shifted her weight from her left to her right foot as she leaned against the wooden podium trying to determine if she wanted to continue sharing what transpired between her and Julia. She had already revealed that she had quit the basketball team and it led to her revealing she relapsed. She had come to find the group of twelve to be a confidant in which she could share some of her deepest secrets. They knew she had been abused, although not to what extent.

"I don't know what brought me to her house that night…I just remember being so hurt by what Aubrey did, and wanting to hurt someone in return. And as much as Aubrey was to blame for my heartbreak, I couldn't hurt her no matter how much I wanted to because…because I loved her." She paused to take a ragged breath.

"So I tried hurting myself and it didn't work. Then I realized that Julia was responsible for my breakup because, after all, if she hadn't abused me there wouldn't have been anything for Aubrey to write on. It's still kind of a blur so I don't remember how I got there but I before I knew it, I had her at gun point." She could hear the soft gasps of shock around her but she didn't stop. "I had her at gun point and even that didn't make me feel better. Not the alcohol, not hurting her physically…nothing. I just wanted her to feel even a fraction of the pain she made me feel…to admit that what she did was wrong. I guess it took my crusade to get her to just see how much she damaged me for me to realize that I was at risk of becoming her."

She ran her hand through her hair and pushed off the podium to stand up straight. "That's why I'm back here because although drinking felt so good, I knew that nothing good would come of it and I'd only be finishing what Julia had started…hurting me and bringing me to ruin."

The group coordinator, Sybil, stood up and walked up to where Beca stood. "Thank you, Beca," she said in unison with the rest of the group.

Beca moved from behind the podium and walked back over to her seat in the second row. She sat down and smiled softly when the woman next to her said everything would be ok. She sat back in the metal chair and listened as Sybil spoke. She remembered her first meeting here when she was scared out of her mind that the others would think bad of her because she didn't know when she'd had enough to drink. She recalled sitting in the back of the room and listening as Sybil told her story, which she did whenever there were new comers. Sybil was in her early forties and a former anesthesiologist. She confessed she began drinking in medical school and was what could be considered a functioning alcoholic. She told the group how it took her showing up drunk to a surgery and nearly killing a patient for her realize how far she'd fallen. If it hadn't been for a nurse noticing her lack of attentiveness she would have over administered the designated dosage of diazepam that would have lowered the patient's blood pressure so far that it would have caused sudden death. Her medical license was revoked because of that incident and she was lucky to only have been sentenced to eighteen months of probation. But of Sybil's story, what affected Beca most and kept her returning to the meetings was her statement, _'I lost everything that ever meant anything to me. I hit rock bottom but I thank God every day that the bottom wasn't death'. _That was the day Beca had promised herself that she would never touch another drink. She wished she had kept that promise but she knew she could only look to the future and not the past while hoping to do better from this point forward.

"We have time for one more speaker." Sybil said. She looked around the room to check for raised hands. "What about you back there in the green jacket? I haven't seen you before. Don't be shy, we're all family here and we all are walking this road with you."

Beca chose not to turn around, not wanting to put the spot light on the newcomer. She knew she'd hate it if she were in their position and suddenly a bunch of people were staring at her. When the newcomer reached the front beca watched as she walked behind the podium. She adorned aviator sunglasses and a hood over her head, both obscuring her face.

"I'm not sure what to say." The mystery woman said and it caused beca to shift in her seat as she wondered why her voice was familiar.

"How about your name? You don't have to share anything you're not comfortable with."

Beca tried to figure out where she knew this person from because everything about her seemed familiar. It wasn't until she removed her hood and glasses did Beca release a gasp of recognition.

"Ok." The newcomer inhaled deeply before looking up to face the audience. She exhaled slowly and said, "Hey, I'm charlotte and…and I'm an alcoholic."

Beca looked at the soccer player and she could see the bruises left on her face from their altercation were beginning to fade. Charlie opened her mouth to speak but faltered when their eyes met. Beca knew she was probably wondering the same thing as her. Now that they knew the other's secret would they be fools for trusting the other not to use it against them? Beca couldn't speak for the other woman but she knew she was here to get back control of her life. If Charlie's motives were the same then she wouldn't fault her for seeking help, nor would she allow her dislike of Charlie get in the way of the athlete's recovery. After all, just as Sybil said, they were all walking this road to sobriety together. She still hated Charlie for the things she did to Aubrey but step four of the program required her to make a moral evaluation of herself and she realized one of the things fueling her alcoholism was her unquenchable hatred of various aspects of her life. She now understood that her hatred over things—and people—that were out of her control would only hinder her. And it was with this in mind that she joined rest of the group as they welcomed the soccer player. "Welcome, Charlotte."

_Lost again  
Broken and weary  
Unable to find my way  
Tail in hand  
Dizzy and clearly unable to  
Just let this go_

The meeting wrapped up after Charlie finished speaking. Sybil had just thanked one of the members, Ramone, for reading 'The Promises' which was a small passage meant to encourage every member to persevere on in their sobriety in spite of the difficulties such an effort entailed.

"Alright." Sybil said with a calm smile. "We want to thank Chad for preparing the delicious tea, Gina for setting up the room, and Jasper for displaying the literature." She paused to allow everyone to clap in gratitude before continuing. "We also thank each one of you that shared tonight and if you were unable to share tonight please share with someone after the meeting. Remember, we are all a family here. There's a contact list on the table with the literature if you need someone to talk to between the meetings."

Beca listened as Sybil asked if there was anyone with one year of sobriety that had considered being a sponsor. Beca didn't think she'd be able to do that if she had the opportunity. She already had a hard enough time keeping herself on track, she doubted she'd be able to handle someone else as well.

"Alright, we're gonna close our meeting, as per usual, by standing and joining hands to say the 'Serenity Prayer'."

Beca stood up with the others in the room and loosely grasped the hands of the two standing on each side of her. She still wasn't so sure about the religious aspects of AA. She wasn't atheistic but she was pretty sure alcoholism wasn't limited to only the theistic part of the population. However, she did recognize that the program's methods seemed to work for others and she vowed to herself back at that first meeting that she'd at least give it a chance.

Sybil began the prayer and everyone joined in.

"_God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  
The courage to change the things I can,  
And the wisdom to know the difference"_

Beca pulled on her navy blue leather coat and zipped it partially before reaching up to make sure her beanie was still secure on her head.

"Beca?"

She turned around at the sound of her name and came face to face with one of the men from the group, Phil.

"Hey."

"I know we're not supposed to divulge information about our personal lives outside of group but I listened to what you said today and I'm really sorry for what has happened to you. My daughter, Carol, is a Psy.D candidate and is doing her residency out at Fulton University. I really think she'd be able to help you."

No. That was Beca's knee-jerk response. She already went through this with Aubrey. She didn't want to talk about Julia anymore. Honestly, she was sick of talking and _thinking_ about that time in her life. If she didn't have the courage to kill the woman, then she was going to at least try to kill the memory of her.

"Thanks, Phil, but I don't think—"

The balding man exposed a yellowing set of teeth as he smiled and shook his head in insistence. "Just hear me out, Beca. I think she could really help you. She's not much older than you and I think you'd be more comfortable talking to someone your age. She accepts all insurances provided by Georgia Colleges and Universities so you wouldn't have to pay anything." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He reached inside and pulled out a small card, handing it to the twenty year old. "Just think about it ok?"

Beca sighed but accepted the card nonetheless, shoving it into her pocket. She accepted the card to be nice but she knew she probably was going to throw it away or it would lay neglected in her pants until it was destroyed in the washing machine. She stopped drinking because it was slowly killing her but that didn't mean she was ready to deal with what caused her to drink in the first place. If it were her choice, she wouldn't deal with the memories at all. If she had her way, she'd purge her past from her memory completely.

As she exited the building the meeting was held her mind involuntarily wondered to her conversation with Phil and his opinion daughter might be able to heal her mental scars. It was a nice hope to have but as she flagged down a cab she couldn't help but think, _'If only my life were that simple'_.

_I fell again  
Like a baby unable to stand on my own__  
__Tail in hand  
Dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go  
High and surrendering to gravity and the unknown  
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun  
I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live_

Beca shoved her hands in her pockets and walked further into the park. After AA she really wasn't in the mood to return to her apartment and because she had nothing else to do with her time she decided to head to the basketball court and hopefully watch a pickup game or two. It was early afternoon so she wasn't surprised that the basketball court was occupied but its occupants weren't who she expected. Beca smiled softly as she got closer to the court, watching the young kids as they ran up and down the court. She sat on one of the steel benches and watched the group of elementary school kids. One in particular, a girl who reminded Beca of her younger self, had just received the ball from her teammate and her opponents, there other boys that looked to be around her age, had a difficult time guarding her.

Beca paid attention to the way the young girl handled the ball with such a graceful hand. She wondered why she wasn't playing in a more organized setting. If she remembered correctly, the spring was the elementary basketball season. The young girl pulled up for the shot and a wide smile overtook Beca's face when the ball left the girls' hands and sailed through the hoop. That shot apparently won the game for her team if the groans of the other boys as they stormed off were any indication. Beca sat and watched as the girl continued to shoot around by herself and, from what Beca could see, she was working on shooting form.

It was uncanny how much the young girl resembled her and it brought a wave of nostalgia. Clearing her throat to bite back the sadness over her lost childhood, she stood and walked over to the young girl who seemed to be having a difficult time with her corner short jump shot. "Hey, if you put a bit more spin on the ball when you release it, I'm sure you'd have it."

The young girl looked up from where she was concentrating on the ball in her hand, "But I don't want to overshoot."

"Trust me, it'll go in."

The girl turned away skeptically but followed Beca's instructions. They both watched as the ball went into the basket. Beca jogged to the hoop to the catch the rebound and pivoted on her right foot to bounce pass the ball back to the other girl. "Try it again."

After ten more consecutive shots were made, the young girl smiled brightly at Beca, thanking her for her help.

"It's no problem. I remember having the same trouble when I first started out."

"You play?"

Beca scratched at the back of her neck. Technically she quit but she doubted the girl in front of her wanted to be a sound board for her drama. "Uh, yeah. I used to play for Barden."

"Really?" The young girl paused as if studying Beca before her face lit up as if realizing something. "You're Rebeca Mitchell!"

Beca chuckled, "Yeah, I guess I am. What's your name?"

"Jayden."

"That's a cool name."

"No it's not. It's a boy's name."

"Really? I don't think so."

Jayden bent down to scoop up her ball and said "Will Smith thought so."

Beca burst into laughter at that. "Well if it makes you feel any better, I had a neighbor whose parents named her Friendship. It was weird because she was meanest person I've ever met."

The two continued to shoot around with Beca giving the young girl tips every now and then. As she helped Jayden correct her free throws she found herself wondering if coaching was something she could see herself doing in the future. She seemed to be good at it, if Jayden's improvement was any indication.

After a while the darkening sky caught her attention. Pulling out her phone to check the time she saw that they'd been here for a little over two hours. She looked over to Jayden. "It's getting kinda late," she pointed out, showing Jayden the time displayed on her phone screen. "Are your parents coming to pick you up?"

Jayden shook her head and took another shot. "My mama works late on Thursdays."

Beca's eyebrows furrowed as she questioned, "Then how do you get home?"

Jayden shrugged. "I usually stay in the park until she comes to get me on her way to her other job."

Beca nodded in understanding, feeling bad when she saw the sadness pass through Jayden's eyes for a split second. "Well, uh, how about I buy us something to eat while we wait for your mom?"

Jayden's mood immediately perked up and she nodded earnestly. "I haven't eaten since breakfast. The school cafeteria had chicken salad," she said with a dramatic cringe while making a gagging sound.

Beca laughed and placed her arm around Jayden's shoulder. "Well how about pizza? There's a pizza parlor across the street."

Jayden agreed immediately and Beca smiled as she led the young girl to pick up her gym bag off the sideline while Beca grabbed her ball and the two left the park. They walked into the parlor five minutes later and Beca suggested that the young girl go find a seat. After Beca ordered a pie, Beca walked to the booth where Jayden sat and handed her the Dr. Pepper she asked for. She took a seat and looked over at the younger girl. "What time does your mom usually come?"

Jayden lowered the soda can from her mouth. "Around seven o'clock."

"When does she come from her second job?"

Jayden hesitated, her fingers tracing invisible lines on her soda can. "I'm not supposed to talk about it. My mama says she could get in trouble for leaving me home alone at night."

Beca shook her head, "I'm not going to tell anyone."

Jayden sighed. "She leaves her job around twelve o'clock, sometimes one o'clock. Well that's when she usually calls me to tell me that she's on her way home. I usually fall asleep before she gets home."

The waiter walked over to their table carrying their food. He placed the pizza pie in the center of the table and told them to enjoy.

"Do you ever get lonely spending all that time by yourself?" Beca questioned, reaching out to grab a slice of pizza.

Jayden shrugged as she bit into her own slice. "Yeah, but know my mama would be home if she could. We just can't afford stuff with one job. That's why I'm going to get so good at basketball so I can be in the WNBA and buy my mama a house so she doesn't have to work anymore."

"That's a very mature way to think of it. How old are you?"

"Nine and a half."

Beca nodded and took another bite of her food. "So you watch college ball? Who's your favorite player?"

Jayden smiled, tomato sauce staining her teeth as she said, "You are."

Beca's eyes widened and she nearly chocked on the mushed food in her mouth. Dropping her pizza to her plate she coughed and reached out to grab her water bottle, taking a large gulp to clear her passageway. "Me?" she asked, once she was able to talk.

"Yeah, cuz you're short like me and you are a good player. My uncle Marshall said I am too short to play basketball but I showed him you on YouTube and told him how you did it so I could too."

Beca's heart swelled as she listened to the young girl's words. As she watched Jayden take another slice she realized how easy it was to get the young girl to trust her. And with that realization she saw how easy it would be to reel her in like Julia had done to her. She wondered if she had made it this easy for Julia. She didn't recall being skeptical of the older woman in their initial months of knowing each other.

This made Beca aware of just how much power she held in this moment. It was the same power Julia had that day in the park all those years ago, except there was one difference, she wasn't Julia. And the thought of using Jayden's trust in her to hurt the nine year old made her sick. The two continued to eat, talking about basketball while they ate. After they finished and Beca paid, they made their way back into the park.

"Shae is going to be so jealous when I tell her I met you." Jayden said.

Beca smiled. "Well how about this, I'll give you my number and when you're free, bring Shae and we can all hang out or something."

Jayden beamed and fumbled in her gym bag for her cell phone. She handed it to Beca excitedly once she found the device.

Beca entered her contact information into the nine year old's phone and as she hit save, they heard a car horn behind them. Jayden turned around and waved at someone. Beca followed her line of sight and saw a car at the entrance of the park.

"My mama's here."

Beca nodded and handed Jayden her phone. "Alright. But, remember what I taught you today, alright?"

Jayden gave a toothy smile as she nodded before turning and jogging in the direction of her mother's car. Beca watched Jayden to make sure she got in the car and when her mother leaned over to look out the passenger window, waving in gratitude for keeping her daughter company, beca raised her hand to return the gesture.

Beca watched the car pull away form the sidewalk before walking over to one of the benches. She took a seat and sighed. It was refreshing seeing and being surrounded with the innocence displayed in Jayden, despite how mature she was mentally. Now that she was alone, she allowed the regret over her own loss of innocence to flood her. In an attempt to calm herself, she thought about how much Jayden looked up to her as she told her about how often she watched her games. Before today, it had never entered her mind that she could possibly be a role model for some young girl out there who was watching her games in the same way she used to watched Rebeca Stewart when she was a kid.

The light chuckle she released as she thought of the awe in Jayden's eyes when she recognized her soon became a strangled sob. There was just so much she regretted in life and she wished she could go back and stop herself from trusting Julia. Why didn't she feel bad for how much she damaged beca? Even with a gun pointed at her, she didn't express remorse.

Tears poured down her cheeks as she searched her pockets for her phone to call an Uber. She didn't want to walk home in this state. As she pulled out her phone she saw a small white card fall out as well. She reached down to the concrete to pick up the card and she remembered what it was when she saw the name printed neatly on the front. It was the card from Phil. She unlocked her phone and called for an Uber but as she waited she fumbled with the card in her pocket. She didn't know why she still held onto it after telling Phil she didn't want to go to therapy.

Maybe it symbolized something for, like the way a dove represented peace. Maybe this card was her white dove. Just something tangible to hold onto as a reminder that although she might be drowning in her past, she wasn't completely beyond saving; that there was a life line somewhere. That her peace was out there somewhere. That is was waiting for her and she hoped she'd survive long enough to gain the courage to grab hold of that peace and never let go.

_Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun  
Help me survive the bottom_

_Calm these hands before they  
Snare another pill and  
Drive another nail down another  
Needy hole please release me_

Beca sat on her bed, her cell phone at her ear being held in place by her shoulder. She twirled the gray pencil in her hand as she stared at her sketch pad and listened to the connecting tone sounding through her phone.

"_**Hello?"**_

"Ma?"

"_**Beca? Hey, honey. Is something wrong?"**_

"No, why would…" she placed her pencil and pad next to her on the bed. "Why would you think something was wrong?"

"_**Well, we haven't spoken since Christmas. Then, you suddenly call me, not that I mind. I've missed you."**_

Beca sighed. Why was this so hard? Talking to your parent should come easy and yet it felt like the most difficult thing she'd ever done in her life. "I'm sorry I've ignored your calls. I've…I've had a lot going on."

"_**Well, honey, I—I know I wasn't the mother you needed when you were younger but I'm trying to fix that. I want to get to a point where you can trust me enough to come to me when you're feeling overwhelmed."**_

Beca quickly wiped away a tear as she thought of how much she longed for that. She never understood why after everything her mother had done, she still possessed this naive desire for a healthy relationship with her mother. Nonetheless, Beca knew in the past year she hadn't helped their strained relationship and her voice was thick with sudden emotion as she told her mother this. "Look Ma, I'm…I'm calling because I want to say sorry."

"_**Beca, you don't have t—"**_

"No, Ma, I do. I knew you were sober back in December and I know how hard that must be for you. Instead of being so selfish and throwing your mistakes from when I was a kid back in your face, I should have been there to support you. I know ma," she said with an exhausted sigh, "I _know_ how hard it was for you to kick your habit and I just want to apologize for making it harder."

Her mother didn't respond right away and Beca could hear sniffles on the other line permeating the silence. After a period of more silence, Gwen spoke, _**"Beca, I…there's so much to say that I don't think a phone call will cover it. You're almost done with school, right? How about this summer? You could fly home and we can really talk."**_

Beca didn't answer and instead picked at a stray thread on her blanket to distract herself. She could hear such regret in her mother's voice and she just wished she had a way to fix it all for herself and her mother. Gwen must have taken her silence as a rejection because she said, "_**If that's too soon, I can wait until Thanksgiving. I'll even get that awful cereal you like. Do you remember that one year you put captain crunch in the stuffing?**_"

Beca released a soft chuckle as few more stray tears fell. "No, this summer is fine."

A sigh of relief came through the phone before her mother's voice followed. "_**Ok, good…I probably should let you go. You probably have more important things to do then spend the night talking to me.**_"

Beca shook her head despite her mother not being able to see her. Class had resumed the previous Monday and she did have a lot of work she needed to do but she would rather talk with her mother in what felt like their first real chance at a mother/daughter relationship. "No, ma. I want to nothing more than to talk to you," she said softly.

Gwen chuckled lightly, _**"You're just trying to keep this old woman from feeling bad."**_

Beca laughed and wiped her wet cheeks with her shirt sleeve. "You're not even that old, but anyway, I'm sure that _you_ have something more important to do than spending the night talking your angsty daughter."

"_**Well now that you mention it, Scandal is about to come on,"**_ Gwen joked.

Beca gasped in faux offense as she said, "I'm hurt. My own mother would rather spend her nights with Olivia pope than me."

The two women burst into laughter following her joke. Beca wondered if this was the first time she'd heard her mother's laughter in over a decade. It seemed her mother had her own moment of self-reflection because her laughter soon trailed off as well and after a moment of silence, her mother spoke with the serious tone of their conversation returning.

"_**I've really missed you, Beca." **_

"I missed you, too, ma but summer break isn't that far. We'll see each other then."

"_**Yeah. I…I'm just really glad that you're coming home. I think this will be a fresh start for both of us."**_

Beca smiled softly, her eyes averting to focus on the small business card on her night stand. "Me too."

_I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown  
Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun  
I choose to live, I choose to live_


	36. Chapter 35

_**Someone asked me on Tumblr what my inspiration for Julia was. It was a myriad of things. One, I already had the idea of beca coming to Barden having to deal with being abused by her former basketball coach. Initially, I had him written as a man. Then I saw the law and Order SVU episode Totem and her coach became a woman. As far as characterization, I don't know, I think I had watched Bloomington (a really good movie by the way) and I wondered how that relationship dynamic would play out if it had gone a step further with the age gap being bigger. If you haven't seen the movie I suggest you do, it's on Netflix and hulu. You probably could find it on the internet for free as well. Well anyway, that was my inspiration for Julia. She kinda grew from there and I admit, at times it was difficult to write the flashbacks where Julia views this as a true relationship while beca doesn't. Any other questions you may have I'm open to answering so PM me or leave a question in a review or on Tumblr. I'm sorry this chapter was so late but as mentioned before (and this is why I wanted to finish this before school started again) I had another midterm for British Lit that really just took all of my time. The song for this chapter is Fix you by Cold play although I listened to the Kurt Schneider version on YouTube primarily. Also someone wanted to know when Beca is going to see Aubrey again and that happens in the next chapter. Once again thank you for being so patient and I hope this chapter isn't too crappy. **_

Chapter 35

_**Pain Is an Opiate of the Damaged**_

_Dear Coach Abernathy_

_Have you ever heard that saying that we all have chances in our lives that are more or less a second chance? I know Harrison Ford said it, but he doesn't have to be in a history book for his words to reign true. I—I know I have absolutely no right to ask for what must be my fifth chance. I realized that I surpassed my second chance a long time ago. However, I really am tired of running…tired of avoiding. I've done a lot of searching, internally, and I know I shouldn't have walked away; that I should have trusted you to tell you what was going on with me before the Delaware game. But, the last person—the last woman I trusted in your position completely exploited her power over me. I don't know if I can ever trust any woman like that again but I really don't want to leave the team and I don't want to give up the friendships I have made. I really want to try to reach a point where I'm not on a constant high alert around you. And although you'll never read this letter, I really hope to reach a point where I can say all of this and more importantly, I want to be at a point where I can confidently utter the words, "I trust you."_

Beca tapped her pen against the textbook on the table in front of her as she listened to Dr. Reddy offer feedback on a student who had just presented her monologue. Beca had been up all night working on hers, finding sudden inspiration after her conversation with her mother. When she signed up for this class, at the behest of Dr. Reddy, it was simply to pass his class last semester. When the spring semester arrived, the older professor quickly reminded her that she'd have to hold up her end of the deal. That meant she had to produce the monologue she promised she'd write as an extension of the one she wrote the previous semester. She had planned to take the failing grade on the assignment and every other assignment but after everything that happened in the past couple of weeks—particularly the last couple of days—she found herself at her desk with a pen and pad, writing. Before she knew it, she had filled several pages.

"I'm glad this class is eighty minutes as opposed to the fifty minute survey class I held last semester. Miss Mitchell, you remember how difficult it was to try and cover American Lit in fifty minutes?"

Beca grunted in response aware of what the older man was about to do.

"Miss Mitchell, you're up."

She rolled her eyes but stood, nonetheless, grabbing the black and white composition notebook from her desk. When she reached the front of the classroom, she opened her notebook to the page that had been dog-eared. "I'm Beca and the name of my monologue is 'Sticks and Stones'." She sighed and cleared her throat uncomfortably.

"_Sticks and stones will break my bones… but names? Names I will remember forever. For inside the names lies the monster. It creeps across the floor and snatches me before I can see it coming. Lover, daughter, victim, child, sexy, obedient… the list goes on and on. You would think that the words would hold no power, but they do. They slither into the mind, onto the skin, become a part of me and eviscerate every shred of self-worth I hold inside._

_There is no way to truly express it what it does to someone who hasn't been there; the pattern of pain stains each soul with its own unique brand of misery. It rips away the person I want to be and makes me shrink into myself to the sanctuary I've created there. But the sanctuary is only a temporary stay of execution from the madness that haunts me._

_Yet I walk through the world, passing those around me who are unaware of the pain, the insanity and the hell I am in. If I smile pretty, they'll never know. They'll never see the invisible scars that are fused into my soul. I learned early on that life is always what you get but never what you want._

_For years, trapped, like a caged little child, within the night I lie shivering in the cold while wrapped in warm arms; Hoping for a hero, a knight in shining armor that would be blind to my stains and love me in spite of myself."_ Beca paused momentarily, stopping herself before she could utter the words 'in spite of her'. She clutched her notebook tighter in her sweaty hands, unable to look up and make eye contact with anyone in the room. She just continued to read.

"_Praying for a freedom, a peace in the night; I tried to find the eternal darkness to be finally be liberated, but it eluded me._

_So I walked dark paths, lived in a twisted distorted version of life; like being held under dark murky water with just a tiny measure of oxygen to sustain me. There in the dark I am taking the smallest amount of breath that I can to survive. Always feeling dizzy and scared as hell, as if each breath I take is going to be my last._

_And then one day, one wonderful, glorious nothing special about it, ordinary day, someone reached out, took my hand and pulled me out of the water and I took my first real breath in a long time. The sharp pain hit my lungs as I drew it in… but it was a good pain, a healing pain… and the pain reminded me that I am still alive! That it isn't over as long as I draw breath, that my past doesn't determine my future, and most of that I have something I haven't seen in a very long time, hope. Just a tiny little bloom, but if I nurture it, love it and believe in it… it will grow. The ceramic sanctuary has long ago been broken but the flower inside survives._

_I realized that this is the way most of us are. We are all so sure that we are living but inside we are dying… and it makes us bitter, to ourselves, to those around us and we find ourselves hurting those we love the most… and if we were to lose one of them we would sit and cry if only… if only. But why do we wait until it's too late? Why do we pretend everything is just fine when all we really want is for someone to hold us and tell us that we are going to be ok… that the child inside of us is still alive, that it never really died, it was just hiding waiting for a safe time to come out. Hold out your hand… and see what happens._

_Give it all away and come back to life, choose to make yourself whole; and breathe in freedom once more. Feel the spring coming and the new life that is on its way! Like me, it's a choice you have to make and it's waiting for you so what are you waiting for? _

_Can you smell it? Can you hear it? Dare you believe it? Just Hold on… Can you feel it? The air is coming close your eyes now… and breathe." _

_When you try your best, but you don't succeed  
When you get what you want, but not what you need  
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse  
And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone, but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?_

"Hey, Beca, wait up." The freshman stopped and turned around to wait for Jessica.

"I haven't seen you lately. That was a really great monologue by the way."

Beca shrugged, pulling out her phone to turn the ringer back on. "I did what was assigned. I'm not the next Walt Whitman." She continued to walk with her eyes focused on the floor. She was unable to meet Jessica's eyes because she felt guilty that what Jessica said was true. She had become somewhat of a hermit, only leaving her room to go to AA and therapy. She hadn't purposely avoided Jessica but it was us a byproduct of isolating herself from everyone.

"But still, it was really good. How have you been?"

"I started going to AA again." She sighed, pushing open the doors that led out of the building. "I'm just trying to take it one day at a time."

"That's great. I'm glad you didn't let everything with Aubrey and that woman keep you down." Jessica said. Beca looked over at her, her eyebrow raised in slight amusement but she refrained from speaking.

"So, you know coach called an emergency meeting and—"

"Jessica, I don't want to talk about the team."

"But—"

"No, Jessica."

"Have you spoken to coach?"

"No."

"I understand if you don't want to face anyone on the team but if anyone deserves some sort of explanation, I think it's coach." She looked over to Beca and the freshman refused to meet her eye. She didn't want to think about the team or coach Abernathy, or Aubrey.

When she realized that Beca wasn't going to respond, Jessica sighed and pulled her book bag higher onto her shoulder, "I have to get to class but can you please think about what I said? I'm sure coach would love to see you."

Beca gave a halfhearted nod and watched Jessica walk off in the opposite direction.

_Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you_

_And high up above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth_

_Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you_

Beca looked across at her therapist, watching as she lit one of the candles on the small side table next to her chair. The room soon filled with the gentle scent of sage, and beca inhaled deeply to take in the calming scent.

"So last week you talked about your dad. Do you want to begin there or start something new?"

"I don't know. Isn't that your job, anyway? Aren't you supposed to ask me questions?"

Carol shook her head, "No. It's like I said last week, we don't have to discuss anything you don't want to talk about. How about you tell me something simple? I remember you mentioned having a big assignment for one of your English classes. How did that go?"

"It went ok. Dr. Reddy told me that I did a good job of connecting it to my first piece."

"You don't seem too happy."

Beca shrugged, "I just…I feel like I revealed too much about myself in it. I had done that with the first one and I had a hard time getting Dr. Reddy to stop trying to get me to open up to him. I was just glad that he didn't try that today. I don't think I could have handled that on top of Jessica trying to get me to play again."

"Is she pressuring you?"

"Of course not," Beca said, shaking her head adamantly. "Jess isn't like that. She just thinks I'm being unfair to Coach Abernathy by not at least telling her that I'm not coming back as opposed to just disappearing."

"Well, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know. I kinda agree with her but then again…I don't want to talk to Coach and face all of the questions I know that she's gonna ask me."

Carol continued to scribble on her yellow legal pad and then she placed her pencil aside to look at the young woman across from her. "Well, let's not talk about the negative outcomes of seeing your coach. What positives can come from this?"

"Well…" Beca rubbed her hands together nervously as she tried to imagine how her conversation with Coach Abernathy would go. "I guess, she would trust that I had a reason for leaving and not ask me direct questions."

"Is that all you want? Last week you expressed regrets of quitting the team. If she were willing, would you go back to the team?"

"Maybe. I…I don't know." Beca said. She reached up to run her hands through her hair while she exhaled a harsh breath. She enjoyed playing with the team but she knew she wouldn't be able to go back without everyone wanting to know why she left in the first place. Not to mention, Aubrey was still on the team and that meant facing her. Beca was still angry at her for her betrayal and she wasn't sure of what her reaction would be if she saw the blonde again. "I just…I'm still hurting over what Aubrey did to me. I can't face her and if she were to try and apologize again and I don't know what I would do. Of all of the people I've ever lashed out at, after we became close, I made sure to never get angry with her."

"Why is that?"

"Because I don't _like_ that aspect of myself. I don't like being the short tempered bitch that people think I am and I didn't want Aubrey to see that side of me. If I were to go back to the team, I'm only going to be a bitch to her because of what she did."

Carol picked up her pencil again and wrote something down on her notepad. "Did you ever give her a chance to explain why she did what she did?"

Beca chuckled bitterly, "Give her a chance to explain why she betrayed me and broke my heart? No thank you. There's nothing she can say to make what she did seem any less terrible than what it was."

"Ok. I'm not going to force you into talking to her but what about Coach Abernathy. It seems from what you've told me, that being on the team really helped with your recovery."

"It did but how can the one thing that messed me be the same thing that can help me?"

Carol reached up and pulled her glasses from her face, sitting them on the side table next to the sage candle. "Well, Beca, I think it's important that you remember Barden isn't Roosevelt High School. Nor is Coach Abernathy Coach Matthews. I know differentiating between the two may seem hard because you've always associated basketball of any form with your abuse but it's a distinction that you must learn to make over time if you want to get better."

"And what if the lines are forever blurred, then what? What happens then, if I can't put my past behind me?"

Carol looked at beca and gave her an encouraging smile. "Then I will help you learn to live with your past so that you can progress in your future."

_Tears stream down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
Tears stream down your face and I  
Tears stream down your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
Tears stream down your face and I_

Beca took a calming breath before raising her hand to knock on the metal door.

"It's open."

'_Alright, you can do this.' _she told herself. She was about to face one of the people she had been actively avoiding since that night. She raised a shaky hand and took hold of the door handle, twisting it to push the door open.

Abernathy was at her desk writing and didn't look up when Beca entered. So, the brunette stood patiently until she did.

"Beca?" she asked. Her voice rose in pitch betraying the obvious shock she felt from seeing the freshman. "It's been weeks and everyone was worried, especially me. I didn't know if you had gone off and hurt yourself or something."

"Oh I tried," she said solemnly and released a deep sigh. She looked at the older woman. She saw the obvious concern her coach held. She took a few steps forward and slid into one of the chairs in front of Gail's desk. "I'm…I'm sorry that I abandoned the team, in the middle of the game no less." Her voice trailed off as she rested her arms on her legs, her elbows digging into her thighs as her face laid in her hands. "Just…just seeing her there, it just was _too much_."

"It's not your fault for how you reacted to seeing your abuser. After that night…I signed up for a class to help me understand how to deal with people who were hurt the way you were."

Beca raised her head and looked at the older woman in confusion. What did she mean when she said she signed up for a class? Why would she do something like that? Why would she waste her time? Why did she even care?

Abernathy chuckled, "I guess my actions may seem a tad bit dramatic but Beca, when you told me about what happened to you I was so angry. I was angry at that woman and even more at myself. I've seen you every day for at least three hours a day for the past eight months and I didn't see the signs. Signs which I now realize were right in front of me."

Beca shook her head, "You didn't know. I didn't want anyone to know so they didn't."

Gail sat forward in her chair, resting her arms on her desk surface as she wiped at her eyes, "beca, I don't have children so I think of you girls as my own. Just the thought," her hands raked through her hair in frustration, "that she hurt you in that way, it took all the self-restraint I had to stop from driving to HLU and kicking her ass."

Beca chuckled bitterly, "Don't worry, I did enough damage for the both of us."

Coach Abernathy visibly paled, "Please tell me you didn't do anything you'd regret."

"No, but even if I did, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't regret it."

"Ok, good. I would hate to you see you ruin your life over her. She isn't worth it."

Beca shrugged, tilting her head slightly as she nodded. "You're right about that. I guess it's a good thing I realized that too before it was too late."

Coach Abernathy sat back in her chair and looked at the small brunette. "What made you come and see me today?"

Beca sighed. She didn't know why she had come here. She told Jessica she wouldn't and she hadn't planned on going back on what she said. Yet, talking with Carol really messed with her mind. After her final class of the day, she found herself walking in the opposite direction of her apartment. She hadn't even realized where her feet had taken her until her eyes were looking at the silver nameplate bolted to the metal door engraved with Coach Abernathy's name. "I came to ask for a second chance. I've been working on myself and I've been going to AA and even therapy, something I swore I'd never do. I just want a chance at a normal life and the past months with the team have felt like the closest I'd ever get to that. You're…you're next on my list of people to make amends with and I shouldn't have let my personal life get in the way of the team."

"Beca, it wasn't just your personal life." Gail said exasperatedly. "You were taken advantage of and no kid should have to go through that…can I ask you a question?" When Beca nodded she continued, "What made you come to practice that day? I know you told your father that you'd go to the tryout but why did you come back afterwards?"

"Because I loved basketball. I—she _ruined_ the game for me and I guess—I guess I just wanted to prove to her—to prove to myself that she couldn't take this from me. You, the team… you guys made me realize why I fell in love with the game to begin with."

Coach Abernathy simply nodded but didn't respond. She instead reached into her desk and pulled out something that Beca couldn't see because it was concealed in her hand. She reached across the desk and handed the mystery item to the younger woman. Only when it was in her hand did Beca realize it was a bronze coin. She read over the words embossed on its surface. '_To thine own self be true.' _In the middle was a triangle with a number one at its center and the words, 'unity', 'service' and 'recovery' on its sides. Recovery was on the bottom directly under the number one. She looked up at Coach Abernathy when she realized what she held in her hand. Before she could question her coach, however, the older woman spoke first.

"I had twenty years under my belt when my husband died. I took one drink, just to take the edge off and soon enough I had gone through three glasses of wine and a half pint of bourbon. All of my hard work went down the drain for a night's worth of relief. It didn't take long for me to spiral down into the mess of a person I was before."

"What made you get sober again?"

"I remembered what it felt like to be sober. I remembered how much better I felt during my sobriety and it was a much greater feeling than being drunk."

Beca looked at the coin in her hand, flipping it back and forth in her hand as she spoke. "I had been sober six months before that night. It's been two weeks and I've really been trying to get back on track. I guess having Aubrey encouraging me the first time distracted me from realizing how fucking difficult getting sober actually is."

"It is difficult Beca, but anything worth having is going to take hard work. It's a slow process but I know you can get through it."

Beca looked up, a lone tear sitting on the edge of her eyes. "And if I don't?"

"You will." Abernathy insisted. "And when it gets particularly hard, the team will be there to support you…Aubrey did a really great job of explaining triggers and how seeing your former coach resulted in your reaction. I hope you know that I always planned to let you play. I was just waiting for you to ask."

Beca sighed in relief and sat up in her chair, wiping at her eye with the side of her hand.

"I must warn you though, we play on Saturday." Gail said.

"But I thought—"

"Delaware State was disqualified. Apparently one of their starting guards was accepting money and was meeting with coaches for some WNBA teams."

Beca couldn't help but wonder if that was what Jessica was trying to tell her earlier. Either way, Beca was happy that Coach Abernathy was giving her a second chance. "That's great! I've never heard of a team getting disqualified so close to finals."

"Well they were. What's their curse is our blessing. We beat Bellsmith last Thursday to take DSU's spot and we beat Baylor that night. We now have to play Stanford this weekend."

Beca nodded and stood up, extending her arm to hand Abernathy back her coin. The older woman shook her head, "Keep it."

"But I haven't been sober for a year."

"You can give it back when you get your own."

Beca smiled and pushed the coin into the front pocket of her jeans. "Thanks coach."

Gail smiled at Beca, "I'll see you in practice tomorrow."

_Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you_


	37. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

A Fortress around my Heart

_Dear Dad, _

_It's so easy to blame you for bailing when you did. It's even easier to hate you, Sheila, and your son. But I gain nothing from…only but a lonely soul and a tired heart. I don't want to be lonely anymore…I'm tired of being tired._

When Beca was fourteen and she was assigned to read the book _Fahrenheit 451_ she was appalled at the idea of burning books—works of art. Now, six years later she stood in the basement of the fine arts building with a box cutter destroying every painting that housed any reminder of her abuse. It was cathartic and with every canvas she cut, the closer she came to cutting the strings that connected her to Julia.

She had initially come down here to paint and try to work out all of the conflicting emotions she had onto the canvas before practice. It wasn't until about an hour into her painting that she glanced over at one of her older ones and decided upon the course of action she was currently undertaking. Her iMac, which was situated on a stool behind, blaring Disturbed's "Remember" and it seemed to be goading her on. She picked up another canvas and placed it onto her easel to get to work butchering it when ITunes changed songs. However, as opposed to the slew of heavy metal and rock songs she had on her computer, what played next was a mellow jazz tune. It was one she didn't recognize and it caused her to turn towards the computer. Squinting her eyes slightly to see the song title on the small screen, she was surprised to see that it said, "Someone to Watch over Me - Gwendolyn Graham Take One"

Beca sat down on the stool in front of the device and turned up the volume on her computer. She listened with rapt attention to her mother sing and it made her wonder what happened to such a talented woman. How could drugs have robbed her of everything that was going good in her life? As she listened to her mother scat over the piano playing in the background she felt a memory, one long ago buried in her subconscious begin to come forward to the center of her mind.

"_Come here, honey." Gwen called from her seat in front of the piano. Beca jumped up from the couch where her father was changing the reed on his saxophone. She scurried over to her mother, jumping onto the small bench. She nearly knocked her father's guitar off its stand along the way. _

"_You have to be more careful, sweetheart. This is a Gibson and I worked all through college to afford that bad boy."_

"_Sorry, daddy." Beca said. She didn't even wait for him to respond and she quickly turned towards her mother. _

"_Are you ready to finish?" Gwen asked her daughter. Beca looked up at her mother and smiled, her teeth bared as she nodded earnestly. _

"_Yes, Mommy. I've been practicing lots."_

_The older woman smiled down at the four year old, "Well then let's see what you've got." She scooted over to give her daughter more room in front of grand piano. Beca sat forward on the leather seat and placed her small hands on the ivory keys. Her mother picked up the remote that controlled the stereo system and hit play. Soon the rhythmic backing track began to play and a running bassline and drum beat reached her ears. Glancing at her mother once more for confirmation, she pressed down on the correct keys to play the first chord. Soon enough, the sound of Diana Krall's rendition of "Cry Me a River" began to fill the room. She could hear her father shuffling around behind her but she couldn't look away from the keys in front of her. She wished she still had sheet music like she used to. With the music in front of her she didn't have to remember notes or pay so much attention to what she was playing and what she planned to play next. However, after she managed to play along perfectly to Herbie Hancock's Cantaloupe Island, they took away the sheet music. Her mother—and her father—agreed that true jazz came from the heart. She never quite understood what that meant because she was pretty sure the music was coming from the piano. She didn't complain, however, because in moments like this, when her mother and father were gathered around her while she played piano, she was at happiest. Her mother's voice soon filled the air and it laced with the soft melody of the piano. Beca smiled. If her mother was singing; that meant Beca was playing correctly. She felt her father approach the piano and she took a quick glance in between chord changes to see him leaning against the instrument smiling at her with pride. She could hear them arguing at night when they thought she was asleep but none of that mattered in these moments. In these moments, her mother and father loved her and that was all that mattered._

Beca hit the space bar on her computer to pause the song. She sat in silence wondering if the appearance of her mother's recording on her shuffle playlist of over ten thousand songs was a sign. She had been making an effort to make amends with everyone she felt she had ever wronged in her life. She had even made a list on her phone and she checked off names as she went along. She even added names of people she felt she need to talk to in order to gain some sort of closure. She pulled out her phone and looked at the list. It had become a habit; something she did to remind her how far she'd come and encourage her whenever she felt down.

Ma (Check)

Coach Abernathy (Check)

Emma

Leanne (Check)

Father

Joanna

Robert Matthews

Some of these names she knew she might never cross off her list like Robert or Emma but she included them just in case. However, as her eyes scanned over the list, they continued to land on one name.

Father.

She knew she couldn't avoid him for the rest of her life. Especially, if she planned to spend the next three years at Barden. However, she didn't think she had ever truly forgiven him for his part in the destruction of her family, her mother, and herself. She closed her eyes and sighed. She _really _didn't want to see her father but a part of her knew she had to. There was no way she could ever heal all of her childhood wounds if she refused to address the ones that stemmed from her father (which constituted a great portion of all of her wounds). There had been a point in her life (when she was much younger and so more naive) where she wished for her father to realize his mistake and come back. She remembered dreaming that he would burst through the front door, beat up her mother's current dirt-bag boyfriend and then gather Beca into his arms to take her away to safety. But, like everything in her life, it never happened the way she wanted.

She glanced down at her phone and saw she had an hour before she needed to be the gym. She realized that she had the power and chance to fix her relationship with her father; it was something she knew she still subconsciously craved the same way she craved a better relationship with her mother. Maybe she could come to a decision about seeing her father during practice.

_Telling Layla's story spoken  
'Bout how all her bones are broken  
Hammers fall on all the pieces  
Two months in the cover creases_

Aubrey locked the door to the apartment before shoving her keys into her gym bag. She jogged down the stair steps to where Chloe stood as she re-zipped her bag.

As they made their way up the hill to Mavarich Gym, Chloe spoke. "Did you hear that Bumper was accepted into Harvard's law program?"

Aubrey rolled her eyes, "Probably a result of his father's 'charitable' donation to the school's law program."

"Of course. There's no way that idiot got in on her own merit." Chloe said with a laugh. "What about you? Shouldn't you have received some of your acceptances back by now?"

Aubrey cleared her throat uncomfortably, pulling the strap of her gym bag further onto her shoulder as she looked out into the distance ahead of them. "I…Stanford accepted me. Fully funded."

"That's great!" Chloe squealed. She clapped her hands excitedly waiting for her friend's face to betray her excitement as well. However, when Aubrey failed to even crack a smile, the redhead frowned. "You don't seem too excited."

Aubrey glanced over at her best friend before averting her eyes back in front of her. "Well I doubt the psychology department will be as welcoming when I don't graduate next month."

"Why wouldn't you graduate? You have a perfect G.P.A."

"It won't be so perfect when I fail Applied Clinical Psychology…" she paused, a heavy sigh leaving her. "I didn't hand in my paper."

"But I thought you explained the situation to your professor. I thought he said he'd talk to—"

"He said he'd try Chlo. He didn't make any promises. So, as it stands, I'm not going to graduate since CP is a required course for my degree." She knew not to get her hopes up about Dr. Callahan's ability to convince the committee. He gave her until he end of this week to hand him her paper. He met with the committee the next week.

"I know you're still upset about your breakup but if you're doing this as some sort of punishment—"

"No, Chloe. That's not it. I shouldn't have written the paper in the first place. Do I regret breaking Beca's heart? Absolutely but I'm not handing in the paper because Beca didn't give me permission to write about her and that is unethical. If I had gone on to graduate school and furthered my research on the subject, I run the risk of having my degree rescinded if in the future Beca revealed that she didn't grant me permission."

"You know Beca isn't that spiteful. You can't honestly think she would do that to you." Chloe said with a frown.

Aubrey shook her head, "No, Chloe. I know _exactly_ what type of person she is and I know that she didn't show me that side of her because she lo—because she cared about me. I broke her heart so she no longer has to care about me or my feelings." She didn't mean to start crying but whenever she thought about her girl—ex girlfriend it was hard to repress these emotions. It had been nearly a month since she had last seen the brunette and she wished there was some way to contact her. She, at least, wanted to make sure she was ok.

She had overheard Jessica telling Ashley that Beca had gotten a new phone but when she tried to ask her for Beca's new number, the sophomore scowled at her and walked away without answering. Aubrey wanted to be angry at Jessica for butting into something that was essentially none of her business. However, she knew Jessica had every right to be angry with her. Not to mention, Beca had gone to the sophomore seeking refuge where she told her what Aubrey had done to her; therefore, making the entire situation Jessica's business as well. Just seeing the sophomore's anger reminded her how angry Beca was that night. What she told Chloe was true. Beca wasn't the nicest person, far from it with her sarcasm and snarky wit. Yet, she had opened up and revealed a softer and more vulnerable side of herself; it was a privilege that Aubrey had taken for granted. She wouldn't be surprised if Beca never spoke to her again.

"So, what now? You're going to do another semester?"

"I don't have a choice. CP is a four credit course that isn't taught over the summer because of the time constraint. Plus, I could never rewrite my entire paper in two months anyway."

Chloe reached down and grabbed her friend's hand as they approached the outside of the gym. She squeezed it in support of her friend as she offered the blonde a soft smile. "Bree, please don't give up. I think you and Beca were destined for each other." She chuckled when she saw Aubrey roll her eyes, a reaction she always had when Chloe talked about fate and destined lovers. "It's true. I think you two were meant to meet and fall in love. You might not see it but everyone else has. How good you two are for each other. You got Beca to come out of her shell and open up to you and I'm sure you've confided in her things you've only told me. She even saved you from your relationship with Charlie."

Aubrey could see Cynthia Rose, Fat Amy, and Stacie walking down the path towards them and she sighed. "Chloe, destiny and fate are two different things. We might have been fated to meet and fall in love but we aren't each other's destiny." She turned away from her best friend and pushed on the glass doors next to them, entering the gym without a glance back.

She knew Chloe wanted to be here to support her in this but Aubrey didn't need to be coddled. She was never one to sugarcoat things or attempt to placate herself with false ideas about the reality. Beca had left her and she knew she wouldn't get her back. So she was absolutely certain in what she had told Chloe. They may have been meant to fall in love but they weren't meant to see forever. After all, fate may have brought them together in the sake of love, but it had been up to them to make sure nothing tore them apart. Aubrey failed on her end and with a heavy heart she accepted she would forever pay the price.

_Fully alive  
More than most  
Ready to smile and love life  
Fully alive and she knows  
How to believe in futures_

Beca sighed as she stood outside the closed metal doors while she tried to gain the courage to go inside the gym. She had made a point of arriving before everyone else and quickly changing in the bathroom where she remained much longer than she attended. She wasn't afraid of playing. Rather, her anxiety was rooted in the attention she was certain she'd receive once she stepped inside. It had been a close to a month since she stepped onto the wooden court or seen any of the team aside from Jessica; and even those instances were sporadic. However, of everything, she finally admitted that she was nervous to see Aubrey. She hadn't spoken one word nor seen her since that night. She didn't plan to speak to her but she knew Aubrey would at least try and apologize again. What scared Beca the most was the fact that if the senior were to do that, she might forgive her. Beca still loved Aubrey, she never denied that to herself but she knew she would never be able to go back to the way things were. Her trust was something that took years to gain. Aubrey had managed to do it a matter of months while also making Beca fall in love with her. When she read the senior's thesis, that trust was destroyed in a matter of minutes and with it, Beca's heart. That was a pain that Beca would never forget and as much as she still loved Aubrey, she would never trust her again. So, no, she vowed, she wouldn't take Aubrey back. After all, what was a relationship without trust?

She took a deep breath, mustered all of her courage and pulled open the door. She rolled her eyes at the abrupt silence that filled the room as the sound of basketballs hitting the floor suddenly stopped. So much for hoping to slip in unnoticed.

However, of all of the faces staring at her, her eyes instantly connected with Aubrey's widened ones. Her mouth was slightly ajar as she looked at Beca in shock and the freshman couldn't help the smirk that appeared on her face, a reaction that had become second nature at this point. Remembering that she was still pissed at the senior, she looked away and walked further into the gym, her grip tightening around the strap of her Nike gym bag.

Unfortunately, she was unable to get very far into the gym. A loud squeal sounded in the gym and Beca saw a flash of red running towards her before she was enveloped in a hug. Normally, she would be opposed to the intimate touch but therapy had been working wonders. She had been visiting carol three times a week while the therapist established a rapport with Beca. In that time they hadn't really talked about the deeper issues pertaining to Julia. They did, however, cover why Beca thought she had such a deep seeded aversion to being touched. It wasn't until carol made her think about what types of touch that she was opposed to that Beca realized it went as far as handshakes being too much. She knew all along that it had to do with the abuse but Beca had begun to take conscious steps to help her overcome her haphephobia. She wasn't ready to be as close to anyone as she had been with Aubrey (whom she recognized had been a great exception to her aversion) but she figured she could accept a hug every now and then from Chloe.

"Beca!"

She chuckled and wrapped her arms around the redhead. "It's nice to see you too, Red."

Chloe held on to her a bit longer before she pulled away but didn't step back. "I've missed you so much. Where have you been?"

Beca rubbed the back of her neck nervously as she tried to look everywhere but at Aubrey. "I've been around. What about you? Abernathy told me about you guys getting back into the playoffs. Looks like the team has a guardian angel or something."

Chloe laughed as she looped her arm with Beca's and led her further into the gym. She was greeted enthusiastically by the team and as she warded off questions about her absence she saw Aubrey in her peripheral standing off to the side. Beca figured she was probably hoping for the crowd to go away before she approached the brunette.

Jessica walked over to her and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I'm glad you're back."

Beca nodded and smiled at the sophomore who had been there for her through so much. "Me too." As she said this she saw Aubrey take a step towards her but fortunately, Coach Abernathy entered the gym and ruined the senior's opportunity.

"So, if you haven't already figured it out, Beca came to me yesterday about coming back to the team. I already explained to her about our game tomorrow and I'm sure I'm not the only one who's happy to have her back."

The team clapped in agreement and Beca rolled her eyes at their enthusiasm. Chloe smiled brightly at her and Beca couldn't help but return a small smile of her. Aside from the awkwardness and tension between her and Aubrey, she was glad she had come back to the team. She didn't realize until this moment how happy being around this group of women made her.

"Alright ladies, let's get started. I liked the set up last week's game and I want to see how Beca fits into that. Beca, take the wing and Chloe you're at point."

Beca nodded, and quickly jogged over to the bleachers to deposit her bag.

_All my complaints shrink to nothing  
I'm ashamed of all my somethings  
She's glad for one day of comfort  
Only because she has suffered_

Aubrey had been unable to keep her eyes away from Beca since the freshman had walked into the gym. It hadn't been that long since she'd seen her, three weeks, but she seemed different. Her hair had grown longer, stopping a bit before her chin and framing her face in auburn curls. She doubted Beca's hair had grown that much in their time apart but before their break up the freshman preferred to keep her hair in a messy bun. As a result, Aubrey had never seen just how much her hair had grown since she had cut it last semester. She watched as Beca joked and laughed with the rest of the team as practice continued and Aubrey wanted nothing more than to go up to her and beg for her forgiveness. God! Here was the woman she loved and Beca hadn't spared her a second glance after entering the gym. She wished Beca would give her some sort of reaction. At this point she'd even accept her anger because her fury was better than this cold indifference she was currently receiving. As practice wore on, she began to wonder if Beca's nonchalance wasn't an act after all. That maybe Aubrey had deluded herself into thinking the brunette cared as deeply for her as Aubrey had cared for her. That the brunette meant it when she said back in New York that she couldn't truly love her because of her past.

She stood on the wing watching Chloe to bring the ball down court, waiting for the redhead to call out the play. When she heard Chloe call for "Storm" she ran into position, moving when the play dictated her to switch positions with Beca on the wing. Chloe crossed over in front of Jessica and kicked the ball out to Beca who quickly pulled up for a three. When the ball went in, Fat Amy joked, "Oh, we're definitely taking home the title now."

Everyone chuckled but Aubrey couldn't bring herself to smile. She was so distracted she failed to hear Abernathy call for a shift in positions, instructing her to take Stacie's spot to give Jessica a chance to run the plays in her spot. The senior rarely played the post position but her height—although nowhere as staggering as Stacie's—was high enough that she could do an adequate job of playing the position.

"Beca, take lead point. I want to see 'Fist'."

Chloe bounce passed the ball to the brunette with a wink and Aubrey couldn't help but scowl. She knew she was being petty but she hated that Beca was paying everyone, but her, attention. Beca jogged down to the half court line before raising her fist in the air to visually call for the play. She dribbled down the court, pushing the ball between her legs as she changed her direction from right to left, passing the ball to Lily on the wing who brought the ball down to the corner. Aubrey waited for Beca to take Lily's spot on the wing before running out to screen for the brunette. As she stood off to Emily's side, getting into position for Beca to run the freshman into her when she cut to the basket. In the few seconds they were near each other her eyes connected with Beca's and she could've sworn she saw regret in the brunette's eyes.

However, before she could really discern what she saw, Beca was cutting to the basket and Emily ran right into the screen, knocking Aubrey off balance slightly.

Practice continued on in this manner. Beca avoided her like it was a full time job and Aubrey only grew more depressed as the minutes wore on. When practiced ended with Abernathy giving them a rundown of what she expected tomorrow, Aubrey tried to catch Beca to talk to her. However, when she looked in the direction of where she had last seen the brunette, she was gone. She quickly looked over to the bleachers and saw that Beca's gym bag was gone as well. She sighed in frustration and turned to walk towards the locker room. As she reached the metal doors she felt a hand lace with hers. Recognizing the yellow nail polish, she looked over to Chloe and smiled softly.

"Just give her some time." The redhead advised.

Aubrey could only nod.

_Fully alive  
More than most  
Ready to smile and love life  
Fully alive and she knows  
How to believe in futures_

Beca accepted the cup of coffee and watched as Warren sat across from her on the opposite side of the kitchen island.

"I'm so glad that you stopped by, Beca. I wish Sheila and Danny were here. They really want to meet you."

Beca didn't respond and chose to distract herself by taking a sip from her mug. She didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying she didn't want to meet either of them. She didn't think she could look at the woman that took her father from her family or the kid that got the chance at a happy and normal life that Beca never had. It was a bitter resentment she held towards her father's family, she didn't deny that, but it wasn't something she was ready to admit to the man sitting across from her.

"I only had a graduate seminar class at 11 so I'm free for the rest of the day."

Beca nodded, and placed her mug back onto the coaster in front of her. She fumbled with the handle a bit, watching as steam escaped the cup while she tried to figure out where she should begin.

"I've started going to AA." She didn't look up at her father and kept her concentration on the steam in her cup. She knew she would lose her nerve if she looked up. "There's a part of the program, step eight and nine in particular, where I examine myself and my past. I'm supposed to think of all of the errors I've made in the past and the people I've hurt. I've already talked to ma and I've really been putting off talking to you although, I've always known that I needed to."

She wiped at her eyes and finally looked up at her father. His face mirrored hers and she could see hints of tears forming in his eyes. She was sure that when he received her call a few hours ago that he hadn't expected her to reveal this.

"I've just…I've been dealing with a lot and I used booze to help me deal. I see now that alcohol distorted my perception of everything including you…I hated you for so long." Her voice broke as she said the last part. "I just…I just want to at least try to salvage what's left of our relationship."

Warren cleared his throat in what Beca knew was his attempt to hide his emotions. She picked up her cup and took another sip to hide her tears and calm down. The two remained silent, using their mugs of coffee to distract them.

Her father was the first to speak. "Beca, I know I never took the time to make sure you knew this but I really hope you don't think I left because of you."

"Well what did you expect me to think? I was five! One day you were there and the next day you weren't. How could a five year thinking rationally and not personalize your abandonment. No matter how much you may have hated ma, I was your daughter and you left me!" She didn't mean to yell but she couldn't help it. She had _never_ had this conversation with her father and now that she was, everything was coming out.

Warren tried to reach across the table and hold her hand but she snatched it away, her arms, instead, wrapping around her body protectively. "Do you have any idea how it felt to see man after man coming and going from our house? How terrifying it was wondering if the next guy ma brought home was going to be the one to violate me when I got older and realized that it was a possibility? How much responsibility I took on taking care of ma during her drug binges or trying to scrap together enough money to buy dinner?"

"Rebeca—"

"No! Save your excuses." She stood up abruptly, unintentionally knocking over her coffee mug and spilling the hot beverage everywhere. "I don't know I thought this was a good idea."

She tried to make a quick exit but Warren grabbed her hand before she could leave the kitchen.

"Don't leave, honey. _Please._"

Beca paused, tears streaming down her face as her hand dropped down by her side.

"Don't leave, Beca. You came here to make amends. Step eight, 'Make a list of all person we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.'"

Beca turned around slowly to face her father, confounded by his statement. The older man sighed and gestured to their seats. "I'll explain and answer everything, Beca. But please, don't run away."

She continued to cry but after a few moments, looking at her father's desperation as he silently willed her to stay, she nodded and returned to the island.

Warren grabbed a roll of paper towels and began to clean up the spilled coffee as he spoke. "I was only twenty-three when your mother told me she was pregnant. She was only nineteen. We weren't ready to be parents and apparently not ready to give up the lifestyle we had before you were born. I don't know if you remember but your mother was one on the fast track to being a big star. She had a huge following back in the city and was always on the road singing." His eyes glazed over as he smiled softly in nostalgia.

"I remember the first time I heard her sing. Ella's 'Blue Moon.' It was some stale bar in the village but her voice, man, it captured the room." He was silent for a few minutes before he seemed to come out of wherever he'd disappeared into his mind. He focused his attention back on the task of cleaning up the spilled coffee.

"We fell in love, Beca. Two artists who pursued everything passionately. We loved each other with that same amount of passion… Your mother got hooked on cocaine while on the road and soon I was on it. Now don't misinterpret what I've said. I'm not putting all of the blame on Gwen because I was equally responsible for what happened. We enabled each other. Coke made us angry and volatile towards each other and by the end of it I hated your mother. I didn't want to leave you Beca but I knew I wouldn't gain custody. We both were addicts and if I had taken her to court we _both_ risked losing you. It was nineteen-ninety-nine, I was a poor struggling writer and no judge was going to give custody to a single father when the mother was still in the picture. I thought leaving you with her was the best thing. I—I didn't know Beca. I didn't know at all."

Beca continued to cry silently as she repeatedly wiped at her eyes. She wished she had known all of this. It wouldn't have made her excuse her father's actions when he chose to run off but it put a lot of things in perspective. She just wished he hadn't given up. He told her that he knew her mother was on drugs and yet he still left. He didn't fight for their family. He didn't fight to get clean so that he could help her mother get clean as well, or at the very least gain custody of her.

"You went off and started new. I wanted that _so_ badly. You have _no _idea what I went through. Why didn't you take me with you? You left me alone with her."

Warren dropped the paper towels in his hand and looked at her with deep remorse marring every aspect of his face from his graying eyebrows to the wrinkles around his mouth.

"I know it won't make up for the fifteen years that I wasn't there but I'm sorry, Beca and I want to make up for it in the future. I knew I should have fought harder to get better so that I could keep you but I truly thought you'd be better off with your mother. I know I shouldn't have left you with her but—"

"I'm not talking about ma." She hadn't meant to say it but it slipped out before she could censor herself. She quickly looked up hoping her father didn't catch the true implications of her statement but when she saw his face transform from one of confusion to one of her horror she knew he had figured it out.

"Oh God. Beca." He said and quickly walked around the counter wrapping his arms around her. She didn't have the energy to fight and allowed him to hold her as she cried. She felt her father rest his chin on her head and soon after she felt the wetness of what she assumed were tears hit her scalp. She couldn't hear him cry but she felt the rumble in his chest. Her sobs and his ragged breathing were the only things heard for the next ten or so minutes.

After heaving a weary sigh she felt her father pull away. His arms remained around her but he stepped back a bit to make eye contact with her. She could see the redness of his eyes and the unshed tears that rested on their rims as he spoke to her.

"I didn't protect you Beca. I failed as a father when it came to that but never again, Ok? Never again." She could hear the conviction in his voice and she wished her past experiences didn't force her to remain skeptical of his promise until he proved himself.

She simply nodded and he pulled her back into his arms. They remained this way for a few more minutes before she began to grow uncomfortable. She tried to think of a way to pull away without seeming as if she was rejecting him. Warren must have sensed her discomfort because he pulled away and smiled at her.

He wiped at his eyes in embarrassment and she did the same, seeing where her aversion to public displays of emotion came from.

He chuckled and picked up the soggy paper towels from the island, depositing them in the trash can before turning to look back at her.

"I'd completely understand if you said no, but it's nearing six." He gestured to the window above the sink where the setting sun was peering through. "Sheila is bringing home Italian. I remember how much you loved ravioli and always demanded your mother add meatballs."

"I'm a vegetarian."

If she was expecting her statement to deter her father from inviting her to stay for dinner he didn't meet her expectation.

"Well lucky for you, Primavera has the best minestrone. And I remember Sheila ordered their risotto with lemon and I think it had green beans. I'm sure you would love that."

Beca looked away, not able to take seeing her father's enthusiasm knowing she planned to turn down his offer.

"Look, dad. That all sounds really good and I know you want me to stay but—"

"All I'm asking for is a chance. I know I don't deserve one after I left you at such a crucial stage in your life. And I understand if you resent Sheila and Daniel because I left your mother and you to start a family with them but I meant what I said Beca. I'm not going to fail again. I know it's fifteen years late, but I want to be the father i should have been. All I ask is that you give me an honest chance."

Beca looked away as she took in everything he said. She knew her father was right. She couldn't expect to make amends and repair their damaged relationship if she ran or pulled away whenever she felt uncomfortable or felt they're conversations were getting too deep emotionally. Running her hands through her hair, she looked up at her father and nodded slowly.

"Ok. I'll stay. I'll give you a chance."

Warren wrapped his arms around Beca once again and kissed the crown of her head.

She, in turn, wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his bicep. She was slightly uncomfortable at first but she found she didn't hate the embrace as much as she thought she would.

"I'm not going to disappoint you this time, honey. I can swear to that now. Never again."

A tear ran down her face. She had no way of knowing what the future held and her past taught her to never hope for a peaceful one. But as her father's hold around her tightened she knew she meant it when she softly said. "I believe you."

_Fully alive  
More than most  
Ready to smile and love life  
Fully alive and she knows  
How to believe in futures_


	38. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

**Love Need Only Be a Whisper**

_Dear Emma, _

_I know what Julia did to you…For so long I hated you for walking away from me that day in the park and basically leaving me at the mercy of Julia without so much as a warning. But I understand now. I didn't before but I do now. I understand how desperate you must have felt. I know how it feels to not care about the others as you try desperately not to drown. I'm not sure if I'll ever truly recover but I know that I'm managing to keep my head above the water and for the first time I can breathe. I only hope you were given that same chance. _

Coach Abernathy stood in the center of the huddle, making it a point to make eye contact with every one of her players. The crowd was loud around them chanting "Let's go Royals! Let's Go!" The line ups were already announced and the game was set to begin.

"Alright ladies, Stanford is the only thing standing between us and the final game. We were given a second chance and I know none of you are taking that lightly. There are naysayers out there who believe we don't belong here. That we blew our chance in the Delaware game."

"Well fuck them!" Stacie said. Beca, along with the rest of the team, looked at the tall brunette, a smirk of amusement directed her way and Stacie shrugged.

Coach Abernathy rolled her eyes, "I wouldn't have phrased it that way, but she's right. None of those people matter. We've given way too much damn effort to stop here. So I want you all to go out there and give it your everything. Up north in Albany, UConn and HLU are playing and whoever comes out of that bout won't compare to what we're facing tonight. Stanford is fast, tall, and aggressive but it's nothing we can't handle."

She turned to look at Beca and "I want you to start at point. Take your time out there and don't try to force the plays. It's the same strategy as the Delaware game. I know we all were off kilter then but if we stick to the plan, it _will_ work against this team. I want us running our plays that stretch us out across the court. That means "Lightning, Fist, and Rain."

Beca nodded and asked, "Does that mean, you expect us to run the 1-3-1 on D as well?"

Abernathy looked down at the clipboard in her hand before looking back at Beca. "No. I want a full court press. I know we haven't run it much during the season but that's why we're gonna do it. They won't expect it. Beca and Chloe I want you up top on the ball. CR I actually want you at the half court line because I want Aubrey at their basket as a last line of defense." She looked at the woman in question and said, "Aubrey, you are our best defender when your head's in the game. I saw it last week against Baylor and I want that same determination tonight. If anyone comes near the basket I expect them to leave with a charge. The same goes for you Stacie." Both women nodded and Coach Abernathy finally smiled at her team.

"Ladies, we've beaten the team that's been ranked number one in the country for the past five years. If we managed to beat UConn, I'm sure we can take this victory. Now hands in."

Cynthia Rose started their team clap, riling the team up, "C'mon ladies, we've got this!" she said and placed her hand out in the middle on top of Abernathy's. Everyone followed suit and Coach Abernathy said, "Ladies, we _are_ going back to Atlanta with the victory. Now Barden on three. 1…2…3…"

"Barden!"

Beca grabbed her water bottle from where she had left it on her seat and took a quick sip. She thought Abernathy did a great job of getting everyone excited and she hoped that they would be able to go back to Atlanta with the win. When the buzzard sounded to signal the start of the game she made brief eye contact with Aubrey before stepping out onto the court to take her position for the jump ball. They still hadn't spoken and she honestly didn't have any plans to change that. She looked at her out of habit; something they had done since they started dating. Aubrey had a terrible habit of overanalyzing everything. She would get so stuck in her head that she couldn't focus on the game. Thus, the sign was created. Beca would tap the side of her head as a sign to the senior to get out of her head and play the game.

The referee stood in between Stacie and the Stanford Center, telling them that he expected a clean game. He threw the ball into the air and the game had officially begun.

_With every word I live again through the eyes of another  
We'll meet at night, wet from the rain  
and surprise each other with how we take away the pain_

Aubrey shook the hand of the last Stanford player in the line before turning to return to where the rest of her team stood. A soft content smile remained on her face as she approached her team over their recent victory. Fat Amy was correct in her assertion that the national title was almost certain now. Their fifty-four to eighty-one victory was a testimony to that. With Beca back, the team played so much more efficiently.

She reached the huddle and saw Beca laughing at something Chloe had said to her. When their eyes met she smiled at the brunette and for a moment Beca's mouth twitched as if she wanted to smile back. She didn't, however, and simply looked away and turned her attention back to the redhead. Aubrey tried not to look disappointed as Abernathy called her name to catch her attention. She even managed to smile when the older woman congratulated her on such a good game. Even while everyone pulled on their warm up gear and their coats, she never lost sight of Beca hoping to find a moment when the brunette was alone so that she could talk to her. She just wished Beca would give her the chance to at least explain why she had done what she had because she meant it, she loved Beca and had never set out to hurt her.

On the bus ride back Aubrey sat by herself. Now that the game was over, all of the problems she had before were coming back including explaining to her father that she wasn't graduating on time. With the commencement ceremony happening in less than a month, she knew she needed to find a way to tell him. She just never found the courage to do so. There was a silver lining to that though. She had another semester at Barden to get Beca to talk to her and hopefully listen to what she had to say. However, as they pulled in front of Mavarich gym after a 2 hour flight from DC and a 45 minute drive from the airport those sixth months that the semester would grant her didn't even some like enough time.

Abernathy had instructed everyone to meet her in her office in fifteen minutes so that she could fully debrief the game as well as inform them of who they were playing against since the UConn versus HLU game would be concluding in the next hour. Everyone gathered in her office with Aubrey standing towards the back of the room, not up to partaking in the excitement of the rest of the team.

"Alright ladies," Coach Abernathy said as she walked through the group of women to take a seat at her desk. "I know it's been a long flight so I won't keep you long. I just want to say you all showed a lot of courage tonight. You went out there, played well and it paid off. The final game is next Saturday. I'm going to give you girls Monday off but I want you in here first thing on Tuesday. We've made it to the end ladies. The national title is right there in front of us. Now all we have to do is reach out and grab it." Everyone cheered at this statement and the older woman smiled.

Aubrey looked over to Chloe who beamed at her and Aubrey smiled softly before turning her attention back to their coach. "So I guess the only thing left to do is let you know who we're up against." She picked up her phone and unlocked it. Everyone waited in anticipation as she looked at her screen.

"Girls, it looks like we've got…" she trailed off as she scrolled down her screen. "Haggard Lee University. They took the win ninety-one to ninety, so they barely beat UConn but hey, a win's a win."

Aubrey immediately looked over to Beca who she saw flinch subtly. She felt her leg twitch as she instinctively wanted to go over to Beca and comfort her. However she was quick to remember that Beca didn't want her near her. That her comfort was probably the last thing on earth that Beca wanted. Abernathy dismissed everyone wishing them a good night and Aubrey clutched her gym bag as she turned to leave.

"Beca stay behind. Aubrey, you too."

Aubrey looked over at Beca who seemed just as confused as she was and Aubrey tried to smile to reassure her. Beca didn't return the sentiment. While they waited for everyone to exit the room Aubrey tried to figure out what the older woman would need to speak to her about. She probably wanted to talk to Beca about playing Haggard Lee on Tuesday and since their breakup wasn't really public knowledge, Abernathy probably was still under the impression that they were dating.

"I've asked you to stay because Beca I know you haven't told me the name of the woman but I wanted to let you know that I can petition to get her suspended for the game if you want."

Beca looked up from where she was shuffling her foot along the floor and cleared her throat. "No…No you don't have to do that."

Aubrey looked over to her ex-girlfriend and said "Beca maybe you should—"

"How about you mind your fucking business!" Beca spewed. Aubrey recoiled at the venom in her voice and anger in her eyes. Never had she been on the receiving end of such wrath from the freshman and it took every bit of the emotional masking that Richard Posen drilled into her to stop from breaking down right there.

Coach Abernathy looked at the freshman in confusion. "Is there a problem between you two?"

Beca didn't answer and Aubrey barely managed to choke out "N-no coach. Everything is…" She looked over at Beca for a brief second before looking back to Coach Abernathy and sighing. "Fine. Everything is fine."

Coach Abernathy didn't look convinced but she didn't push the matter. Instead she turned her attention back to Beca, "Like I said Beca, I know you don't want to publicize what happened to you and we don't have to put it in the request for suspension. We can simply state it's a conflict of character and as mandated, while they investigate she will be put on temporary leave. I know a few people down at headquarters that could push the request through so that she won't be at the game."

"No, Coach. I'm fine. I'm healing. I've been doing my treatment and going to counseling so I think I'll be ok."

Coach Abernathy stood up and walked around her desk to stand in front of Beca. "Are you sure?"

Aubrey watched the small brunette as she nodded her head and told Abernathy that she was sure. "I'm not going to let her ruin this for me. This is my first collegiate championship game and I'll be damned if she ruins that for me."

Aubrey smiled softly as did Coach Abernathy as they listened to Beca speak.

The older woman placed a hand on Beca's shoulder and said, "I'm glad to hear that, Beca." It wasn't until she removed her hand did everyone realize that Beca didn't flinch or dissociate when Gail touched her.

_Could you be the one to find me safe and sound?  
Love is how it's lost ... not how it's found_

"First game back and you put up thirty five points. You can't help yourself from showing off can you?" Chloe asked Beca in a light and humorous tone.

Beca shrugged and pulled her hood from off of her head. She was glad to be back in Georgia where the weather was nowhere as cold as it had been in DC. She had grown up in New York and the state saw temperatures that the peach state could never imagine and she had grown used to the harsh winters. However, it didn't mean she actually liked the cold. "Ehh, I can help myself, otherwise it would have been fifty. I have to save some baskets for you guys." She said and laughed out loud when Chloe shoved her playfully. "Besides, you have no room to talk since I recall you scored twenty of those eighty-one points."

Chloe's faux frown morphed into a wide smile as she said, "Oh I forgot about that."

"Oh whatever." Beca laughed. She went to say something else but stopped when someone stepped in front of them. The one person she absolutely did not want to see. Seeing Aubrey so close up without a basketball game distracting them, Beca had to admit that Aubrey looked really good. It seemed in their time apart the brunette had colored her hair to one tone. Seeing the nervous smile Aubrey wore, Beca for a moment was brought back to that morning when she had almost told the senior she loved her.

"Hey, Beca." Aubrey said, waving shyly.

"Aubrey," was her curt response. If she said anything more Aubrey might see how much she was hurting. Beca didn't tolerate showing the enemy how much they've hurt her. Furthermore, she didn't want Aubrey to see that despite all the hate she felt, at the center there was still love. Love for Aubrey that wasn't going away anytime soon.

"I just…I wanted to know if maybe we could talk."

A month ago, Beca wouldn't imagine being anywhere but by Aubrey's side but now she wanted to get as far as possible from her. Beca wasn't caring or nice to many people. However, Aubrey had been one of the few exceptions along with Chloe and Jessica. Furthermore, Aubrey had been an exception of her exceptions since she loved her. She still did but Aubrey was now being kept at arms distance on the outside of her emotional walls with everyone else. And also along with everyone else, she would get to experience the cold cruelty Beca could dish out when she felt like it. Such as now.

"No. I don't want to talk. How about you go and write down your feelings and hand that in for a grade too?" She then quickly turned towards Chloe and invited her to accompany her into downtown Atlanta for dinner. She knew she wasn't being fair to Chloe since she was forcing her to choose between them but she needed to get away from Aubrey. She knew if she went off alone she couldn't guarantee herself that she'd remain sober.

She watched the redhead look at her best friend apologetically, mouthing that she was sorry, before she looked at Beca and nodded.

"Well c'mon. I'll walk you back to BHU so that we can change."

Beca waited for her to join her before they walked off towards the dorm. As much as she told herself not to look back, she did. Aubrey wiped at her eyes and let her head fall dejectedly. Beca could feel a tinge of pain in her chest at the sight but she still turned back and walked away. Aubrey made her bed and now Beca was forcing her to lay in it. That meant that no she didn't want to hear what Aubrey had to say. She had said all there was to say when she wrote that paper. She knew in her attempts to hurt Aubrey that she was only hurting herself but Aubrey had taken all of Beca's preconceived notions about love and trust and confirmed them. Beca knew that love was a path towards destruction but she still allowed herself to fall in love. It was that love that destroyed her and she would _never_ forgive Aubrey for that.

_I don't know those eyes, but I see beauty there... always  
I know it's wrong to love you from afar, but it's a craze_

Beca thanked the waitress when she placed her food in front of her. She waited for her to give Chloe her food and walk away before beginning to eat. She had found this vegetarian restaurant a few months back with Aubrey. One of the few all vegan restaurants on this side of town. They ate in silence for a few minutes before beca looked up and saw the look of concentration on Chloe's face and she sighed.

"What has you thinking so hard?"

Chloe, startled at being caught not paying attention, looked up. "It's nothing."

"It must be something if it has you concentrating so hard. Now tell me what's bothering you."

Chloe hesitated, opening and closing her mouth several times as she debated with herself on whether or not to say what was on her mind. "Are you and Aubrey really over?"

Beca sighed and dropped her fork next to her plate. She wondered when the redhead would ask. She wasn't angry since she knew it was in her nature to help out everyone if she could. For a short while, she had been pissed at the redhead, too, since she had known from day one about Aubrey's paper. Only after talking to Carol, could she see that Chloe wasn't the one who had made a promise to her and then broken it. Aubrey did.

"Yes."

"But Beca she is so sorry. You haven't seen her lately. She feels terrible about what she did."

"Well she should have thought of that before she used me."

_Beca nervously peeked out from the bathroom, removing her toothbrush from her mouth to speak._

"_I doubt this is going to work."_

_Aubrey shook her head from where she sat on Beca's bed in an oversized Julliard t-shirt, courtesy of her brother._

"_Yes it will. We discussed it in my CP class and I'm curious to try it out."_

_Beca sighed and walked out of the bathroom. She still wasn't convinced that Aubrey's exercise was going to work. She took a seat in front of Aubrey and mirrored her girlfriend by crossing her legs in an Indian style position. _

"_I don't understand why you insist on getting into bed wearing the socks you've walked around your apartment in."_

_Beca shrugged, glancing down at her hunter green Nike elite socks. It was one pair of the twelve that Fat Amy managed to get a "deal" on at her boyfriend's job. "They make my toes feel safe." She joked while wiggling her clothed toes. Aubrey rolled her eyes and reached out to touch Beca's bare arm._

"_I think this is the most skin you've ever shown me," she said, directing Beca's attention to her attire. _

"_Well you said the whole purpose of this thing is to form some sort of connection by touching so I figured that would be hard to do if I had on a sweatshirt and sweats. Is this ok?" She asked gesturing to the sports bra and compression shorts that she wore._

_Aubrey nodded, smiling softly at her, and Beca nearly choked on her saliva when Aubrey reached down and grabbed the hem of her t-shirt to quickly pull it over her head. Beca tried not to stare at Aubrey as she sat in just a pink bra and pantie set she had seen her buy a few weeks ago as Victoria's secret. She rolled her eyes at Aubrey's smirk and directed her eyes toward the ceiling as Aubrey chuckled._

"_With your behavior, I might get the impression that you think I'm sexy."_

_Her eyes still directed everywhere but at her girlfriend, she scoffed and said, "I'm celibate not blind, dammit." _

_Aubrey burst into laughter at that and leaned over to reach past Beca (which the freshman suspected she did on purpose) to grab her cell phone off the night stand. _

"_Alright, do you remember how this goes?"_

"_Yeah. Five minutes. No talking and just touching." The brunette instantly face palmed as she said "That sounded a lot less sexual when you said it."_

_Aubrey chuckled and pulled up the stop watch on her phone. "Alright, so are you ready?" Beca nodded._

"_Alright. It's 7:33 now. So at 7:38 we're done."_

_And for the next five minutes they simply touched. An arm, a leg, a rib. Just light touches. When 7:38 arrived, their final touch was their foreheads. When they started, Beca had doubted the value of the exercise. But now she sat, her forehead resting against Aubrey's feeling the senior's fingers ghost along her cheek. She had never felt more relaxed than or as intimately connected with Aubrey as she did now. Her eyes still closed and still riding the tranquil high of the exercise, she softly said, "After meeting Julia, I've never felt safe."_

"_And now?"_

"_Now what?" she asked, opening her eyes but refusing to pull away. _

"_Do you feel safe now?" Aubrey asked, her eyes opening as well to stare into Beca's brown ones. _

_Beca smiled and said "With You, Bree…Always."_

"Beca, listen. Aubrey loves you. She never meant to hurt you—"

Beca's hand involuntarily crashed down against the table as she yelled, "But she did, Chloe!" She didn't mean to raise her voice and when she saw they had attracted attention she quickly ducked her head in embarrassment. She inhaled deeply counting to ten before releasing the air. She looked up at Chloe and began to speak, the volume of her voice significantly lowered from that of her outburst a few seconds ago.

"She _did _hurt me. She hurt me so fucking much and no matter how bad she may feel it doesn't make up for what she did to me. She wasn't the only one to fall in love but she was the only one who didn't have the person she loved take her heart and fucking trample on it. So no, she doesn't get to try and make me feel bad because I fucking hate her for breaking my heart."

Chloe sighed and reached across the table to touch Beca's hand. "I understand Beca. I'm sorry for bringing it up."

Beca released a heavy breath in frustration as she attempted to calm down. She picked up her fork and attempted to resume eating. She pushed the cabbage on her plate around as she said, "I've never opened up my heart like that. I loved Aubrey and she took it for granted."

Chloe smiled at her sadly and said, "If it makes you feel any better, I don't think Aubrey has loved anyone or opened her heart as much as she has with you either."

Beca wiped at her eyes and quickly searched for something to change the topic. She had invited Chloe out to get away from Aubrey and she didn't want her relationship problems plaguing their dinner.

"So, that final assist to Stacie was an impossible pass."

Chloe couldn't help but laugh. Luckily, the awkward tension dissipated soon after and they managed to start a conversation that lasted through dinner.

On the way back to campus, they sat in an Uber discussing their plans for the summer. The car pulled in front of Chloe's apartment first and when the redhead went to get out, she stopped and turned back to Beca. She reached into her purse for something.

"I'm going to tell you what I told Aubrey. You two were meant to be together. This is just a bump in the road but you were meant for each other and I hate seeing you two throw away something you've worked so hard for."

Beca watched her pull out a stack of papers and stare at them for a few seconds before looking up at her. Chloe handed her the stack of papers and Beca looked down at them in confusion.

"What is this?"

"It's Aubrey's paper."

Beca frowned and immediately extended her arm to return the item to Chloe. "I don't want to read it. I've had my fill with what I read that night."

Chloe shook her head and pushed the research paper back into her lap. "Aubrey didn't hand it in and she's not going to graduate as a result. She truly hates herself for hurting you Beca and she chose not to hand in this paper because she knew writing it was wrong."

Beca looked down at the paper in her hand, gasping lightly when she heard that Aubrey wasn't going to graduate. She wondered how this affected her chances of graduate school. She might have hated the senior but she knew how much going to Stanford meant to her. She looked up at Chloe and couldn't help but ask, "Did…did you read it?"

The implication of 'do you know what happened to me' (although not said) was heard loud and clear.

Chloe nodded and Beca could see the frightful look on her face as if she were afraid Beca would be angry that she knew about what happened to her as well.

Choosing to ease her mind, Beca sighed and said "I'm not mad. After all, you didn't write the damn thing." She held the paper, staring at it wondering would it give her the answers she sought. Would it give her some sort of clarity on why Aubrey had written it? Would it give her answers and ease her broken heart?

Chloe placed a hand on top of Beca's and squeezed it lightly. "I've read the paper, Beca, and I don't think any less of you. I think you should read it—the _entire_ paper. If you won't hear Aubrey out, at least read the paper that caused it all." She stepped out of the car and shut the door. She bent down to look into the open window at Beca. "Aubrey really does love you, Beca. I know you feel betrayed and heartbroken and I'm in no way excusing what she did but remember that she loves you and you love her too. At the end of the day, that's all that really matters."

Beca watched her walk up the stairs to her apartment and waited for her to get inside before giving the driver instructions to her apartment. She sat back in her seat with a soft huff and opened the stapled stack of papers. Her eyes scanned the title and she thought about what Chloe said. Maybe she was right. If she wasn't going to give Aubrey the chance to explain (which she wasn't) then she should at least read the paper that made Aubrey think she had the right to invade her privacy in such a way.

She really hoped that it gave her clarity on the situation. Enough clarity that she either forgave Aubrey or completely walked away because this gray area she existed in of loving the senior but hating her as well was exhausting.

Either way, Beca knew that after she finished, her relationship with Aubrey would never be the same.

_You recognize my pain...  
Could you be the one to find me safe and sound?  
Love is how it's lost... not how it's found  
Love is how it's lost... not how it's found_

Aubrey took a seat on the couch. A small cinnamon candle sat on the coffee table emitting a dim glow in the otherwise dim room. She took a sip of her green tea and sat back allowing herself to sink into the cushions of the couch listening to the rain pelt against the windows. Chloe was out at dinner with Beca and Aubrey was here alone to wallow in her thoughts and pity. She had tried to finish some homework but found herself unable to concentrate, too distracted with her thoughts.

She couldn't think of anything else but the hardened glare Beca directed towards her outside the gym. It hurt to see the eyes that had once been filled with so much love now stare at her with so much hate. A tear drop fell into her glass and she quickly wiped at her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. As she leaned forward to place her mug on the coffee table her eyes caught sight of the piano case under the glass table. It was her brother's keyboard. As she thought of the last time it had been played, she only began to cry harder.

_Aubrey turned over in her bed, reaching out for Beca but found nothing but an empty bed. Her eyes slowly opened as she looked over to where Beca had laid before she had gone to sleep. She sat up and pulled her feet over the side of the bed, the faint sound of music pulling her from her bed._

_She made her way out of her bedroom and into the hall, a soothing melody echoing out from ahead of her. She followed the music into the living room and paused when she spotted the brunette missing from her bed sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table playing her brother's piano. Her eyebrows furrowed as she wondered if Beca had ever told her that she knew how to play. She listened further as Beca continued to play and she couldn't help but smile as she watched her girlfriend hit each note with determined precision. _

"_You never told me that you played piano."_

"_You never asked." The brunette didn't look up as she offered the wry remark. Aubrey rolled her eyes and walked further into the living, bending down to sit down next to Beca on the floor. _

_She listened as Beca apologized for waking her but she was quick to tell her it wasn't her fault. After all, it wasn't her fault that Aubrey couldn't sleep without Beca in her arms. She watched mesmerized as Beca's fingers pressed down various keys. It was early Christmas morning and she was still riding the high of Beca finally accepting her feelings. When they had kissed Aubrey felt as if her heart were going to burst from her chest._

_Now, she watched her play the piano with passion she'd only seen her brother express. When she saw Beca stop and reach for the power switch she quickly grabbed her hand to stop her. The moment had been so intimate and she didn't want it to end. She whispered for her to continue and Beca leaned over and began to play again. Aubrey meant to watch her hands but her gaze drifted up to her girlfriend's face. There was a soft smile there and her face housed such contentment. "I've never heard this song. Did you write it?"_

_Beca glanced at her and scoffed, "I wish. But we can't all be musical prodigies…is this Wesley's keyboard?" _

_She expected Beca's next question of where the keyboard came from and she found herself opening up about buying the instrument after her brother had pawned it for money to pay back a drug dealer._

"_You've never told me that you played piano. Why?"_

_She watched Beca's hands fall away from the keyboard and rest in her lap as she shrugged. _

"_I haven't played in a while. I wasn't sure if I even remembered how. After my ma sold the one in our house for cash to buy dope, I stopped playing. Julia had a console in her dining room. She used to love hearing me play but one day while I played…" she trailed off in thought before saying, "I think I was trying to play the theme from Love Story when her hand crept under my skirt. I never played at her house again. I haven't had the cash or the space to buy one for myself. So after a while, I lost the desire to pick it up again." Aubrey watched as the brunette reached up and traced her hand lightly over the keys, her touch soft enough so soft that the instrument didn't emit a sound. "It's a shame too since I really liked playing."_

_Aubrey held in a gasp of anger as she listened to her girlfriend tell her yet another thing that that retched woman had done and ruined for the brunette. She knew that Beca hated pity so she did the only thing she thought would bring her comfort in this moment. She reached over and held her hand, lacing their fingers together as she leaned over to kiss her softly on the cheek._

"_Well I promise that a piano will be the first thing we buy for our home." _

_As soon as she said the words, her eyes widened in mortification. She chastised herself over the presumptuous statement. They had grown so close in the past weeks and it was hard not to think of the brunette when she thought of the future. She just hoped that it wouldn't scare Beca and cause her to pull away._

_When Beca leaned over and kissed her as she said she liked her idea, Aubrey couldn't express the relief she felt. Beca moved to turn off the keyboard but Aubrey quickly stopped her, not wanting the moment to end. It was in moments like this that she felt she was more intimately connected with Beca than she could ever hope. _

_She watched as Beca raised her hands and began to play again but when she began to sing to her it caught her by surprise. She had only heard the brunette's voice on that one occasion in the diner back in New York. Listening to her sing so passionately, Aubrey knew that she was in love with Beca. If she had been hesitant before her sentiments were reaffirmed now. Beca suddenly turned her head and caught her eye smiling at her before looking back at the keyboard to finish the song. Aubrey watched her for just a few more seconds, hoping and praying that Beca would look back at her because she could have sworn she saw love in her eyes. She was desperate to confirm what she saw in Beca's eyes and even more desperate to confirm that she wasn't the only one feeling this feeling. Feeling this love. If only Beca would look back up. _

Aubrey refocused her eyes as she pulled herself from her memories. She never got her answer. Did Beca look at her with love in her eyes that day? Had Beca fallen as hard as Aubrey had? Was Beca thinking about her as much as Aubrey was thinking about the brunette? Did she still care? Did she still care about Aubrey at all?

She sat up when she heard a key in the lock of the front door and she quickly moved to wipe her eyes before Chloe opened the door.

"Don't turn on the light, please." She said causing Chloe to jump in shock.

"Oh, Bree! You scared me." She heard Chloe say. "Why are you sitting in the dark?"

"I'm not sitting in the dark. There's a candle right there." She said pointing to the source of light on the coffee table. She pulled her legs under her, stretching the hem of her sweatshirt so that it covered her thighs and knees. She allowed her eyes to fixate on the single flame, not even bothering to look away when she felt a dip in the couch and Chloe's hand reach out to touch her arm.

"I'm not sure if I was any help but I did talk to her about you and she did seem to be actually listening."

"Aubrey didn't respond. She continued to stare at the flickering light, the sudden breeze from the opened window threatening to extinguish it. Her father always told her to never regret any choice she ever made, even if that choice resulted in terrible consequence. He always told her that regrets comes with insecurity and the name Posen was antonymous with the word insecurity. But now, sitting here watching a flame whose sole existence was dependent upon an uncontrollable force of nature, she regretted everything. She regretted writing her thesis on Beca. She regretted meeting Beca and falling in love with her. She didn't feel this way because she didn't love the brunette—she did. However, if she could go back and stop herself from spending thanksgiving with Beca—the day that she knew forever changed the dynamic of their relationship—she would if it meant sparing Beca and herself this pain she selfishly caused.

"It's gonna be alright, Bree." You've just gotta have faith. If I don't know anything else, I know that your relationship meant as much to Beca as it did to you and I know it isn't something she would discard with a light heart."

Aubrey leaned over and rested her head on Chloe's shoulder. She wanted to smile and say that she hadn't lost hope and that she still had faith. She watched a final gust of wind blow through. It extinguished the candle and as a fresh set of tears fell from her eyes she knew she couldn't say either of those things. Because, like the next candle, her hope and faith of getting Beca back was gone. Extinguished and to never glow again.

_I'll take away your pain  
Could you be the one to find me safe and sound?  
Love is how it's lost... not how it's found  
Love is how it's lost... not how it's found_

Beca sat back down on the bed after taking an impromptu break from reading the sixty page paper. She had reached the conclusion before she stopped to get a glass of water and an apple. So far, she didn't understand why Chloe was so insistent that she read this paper. It only served to make her angrier. She read through the three chapters that the paper was divided into and now she only had the conclusion remaining. It was the final two pages and she promised Chloe that she'd read the research paper in its entirety. So, with an exhausted sigh, she hit play on her Ihome and listened while Katie Melua's "I cried for you" filled her room as she turned to the conclusion.

"_You never told me that you played the piano."_

"_You never asked." Beca retorted with a smirk. She didn't have to look up at her girlfriend to know she had rolled her eyes. She soon felt Aubrey come and take a seat next to her._

"_I didn't mean to wake you." She had awoken not long ago, plagued with another nightmare. When she'd gone to get a glass of water she saw the keyboard. She knew Aubrey didn't play so she assumed it was probably her brothers. She wondered why Aubrey had it instead of him but didn't think about it for too long. His instrument sat under the coffee table in its tattered case and Beca couldn't help herself from taking out the piano hoping that playing might bring her a bit of peace._

"_You didn't."_

_Beca glanced up at Aubrey and smiled softly before returning her attention back to the ivory keys in front of her. _

"_I've never heard this song before. Did you write it?"_

_Beca scoffed and stopped playing. "I wish. But we can't all be musical prodigies. It's Katie Melua…Is this Wesley's keyboard?" when Aubrey nodded Beca questioned why she had it._

"_Because he pawned it a few years back. My freshman year he came home during the break and asked my father for money. Richard said no, of course, and Wesley told him he was going to have to sell his keyboard because he owed some dealer a lot of money." Beca watched her hands run across the keys lazily as she said, "He loved this thing. I knew selling it would kill him so I followed him and after he pawned it, I went in and bought it with some of the money I had saved up."_

"_Do you plan to give it back to him?"_

"_Some day. Not now when he's still using. I know he'd do the same thing again if he was strapped for cash…You've never told me you played piano. Why?"_

_Beca shrugged and dropped her hands into her lap. "I haven't played in a while. I wasn't sure if I even remembered how. After my ma sold the one in our house for cash for dope, I stopped playing. Julia had a console in her dining room. She used to love hearing me play but one day while I played…" she trailed off in thought before saying, "I think I was trying to play the theme from Love Story when her hand crept under my skirt. I never played at her house again. I haven't had the cash or the space to buy one for myself. So after a while, I lost the desire to pick it up again." She reached up and traced her hand lightly over the keys, her touch soft enough that the instrument didn't emit a sound. "It's a shame too since I really liked playing."_

_Aubrey reached over and placed her hand on top of hers. Their fingers laced as Aubrey leaned over and kissed her softly on the cheek._

"_Well I promise that a piano will be the first thing we buy for our home." _

_Beca looked up at her immediately and she could see the widened eyes of her girlfriend, probably horrified at how presumptuous her statement was. She squeezed Aubrey's hand and gave her a soft kiss._

"_I'd like that." _

_Aubrey smiled softly at her, relief on her face and Beca looked away, her eyes staring down at the keyboard once again. Suddenly feeling as if she had intruded upon something special by playing the instrument, she moved to turn it off. However, a hand atop hers halted her actions before she could hit the power button. _

"_Don't stop. Please keeping playing." Aubrey said softly. _

_Beca looked at her, their eyes locked for what felt like an eternity but was only a matter of seconds. With a small nod, she smiled softly at Aubrey before turning back to face the keyboard fully. He hands reached out in front of her and she pressed down on the keys to resume the song she'd been playing. However, this time she found her mouth opening to sing._

_**Gonna blame it on the moon,  
Didn't want to fall in love again so soon.**_

_**I was fine, feeling strong,  
Didn't want to fall in love with anyone.**_

_**Now that it's gone too far to call for a halt,  
I'll blame it on the moon  
'Cause it's not my fault;  
I didn't think that this would happen so soon  
So I'll blame it on the moon.**_

_She felt Aubrey shift closer and Beca smiled to herself softly. It was early Christmas morning and the two sat in the dark apartment, only a small candle and the moon providing light. As the next verse began she finally found the courage to look up at Aubrey. The blonde looked at her with shining eyes and a soft smile and Beca couldn't help but smile back. _

_**I was happy to be free  
Didn't think I'd give myself so easily.**_

_**Guilty feelings in the night  
As I wonder is it wrong to feel so right.**_

_**Now that it's gone too far to call for a halt,  
I'll blame it on the moon  
'Cause it's not my fault;  
I didn't think that this would happen so soon  
So I'll blame it on the moon. **_

_This was the woman that she knew she could fall in love with. The woman who had seen the worst of her and still wanted her. God help her if she ever fell in love with Aubrey because she knew she'd fall hard and Aubrey would forever have her heart in her hands. But as she sang the last verse that thought didn't terrify her. She wanted Aubrey to hold her heart because she knew it was safest with her. She knew that Aubrey would never hurt her and that thought alone was enough for Beca to lean over and kiss her. She vowed to not fight it when she finally did fall for the woman next to her because if there ever was a woman for her to love, it was Aubrey. _

It was near midnight and Beca found herself walking across the campus to find refuge in the art room. She finished reading the thesis and her mind was a frayed mess. She pulled open the door and quickly made her way down the hall using her cell phone as a light. She turned the corner to open the door to the stairwell that led to the basement before stopping abruptly. She looked to her right at the glass doors of the music room. The room was constructed with a large sky light window, so the room was bathed in the cool light of the moon and in the center of the room was a grand piano. She had initially come to the building to work through her thoughts with a paint brush but as she stood here she had the itch to do something she hadn't done since the age of eight: play piano. She hesitantly took a step toward the room and with an even more tentative hand, she reached out and pushed open the glass doors.

She looked around the room and took in the neatly stacked music stands on one side and the stacked chairs on the other. But none of that was what she was here for. She walked to the piano and slid onto the leather bench. She stared at the ivory keys for a long time before reaching out to touch them. It didn't take long for her thoughts and emotions to pour forth through her hands and onto the keys.

The large instrument in front of her allowed the flow of a bitter, sweet melody of heartbreak while she tried to get Aubrey's words out of her head.

Her fingers seemed to take on a mind of their own while her eyes closed, unable to see in the barely lit room. She leaned forward unconsciously almost as if she could feel the weight of her emotions bearing down on her. As her fingers continued to run across the litany of ivory and ebony keys she tried to ignore the tears forming behind her closed eyes because she refused to cry. Not now. Not anymore. Not over her. And yet, as she continued to play she found it almost impossible to drown out Aubrey with the sound of the music. She struggled to ignore Aubrey's description of her dissociative disorder, of how Aubrey illustrated how difficult it was to watch her as she struggled not to dissociate. The longer she played, the more her thoughts transformed from that of Aubrey's paper to Aubrey herself. She tried to ignore them but despite her efforts, she could still see Aubrey's eyes and how they would light up whenever Beca made her laugh. Her voice and laughter met Beca's mind and soon after, the tears she had managed to hold back now rose to dominance. They fell past her eyelids down onto her fingers before sliding down to the keys below. The keys were growing increasingly wetter but instead of causing her to mess up and her fingers to slip, the water only helped her fingers flowed easier over the keys.

She tried not to remember. But she did.

She remembered the look on Aubrey's face on Christmas morning when she poured out her feelings to the senior. The look of relief and pure longing she wore that closely resembled adoration and something else she couldn't quite place at the time. Love.

She could feel her playing grow softer, allowing more memories into her mind. She quickly leaned forward in a desperate attempt to regain control; to refocus her mind on the music and keep the barrage of unwanted memories and emotions away.

How could she be so stupid? So gullible?

She sobbed as her self-degradation continued while she pressed down on the keys. Her mind laughed at her scornfully as she wondered why she ever thought she was worthy of love. If she hadn't tricked herself into believing that then maybe she wouldn't have trusted Aubrey, saving her from this heartache. Her fingers slowed down, softening the sad melancholic but tragically beautiful melody which only seemed to enhance her dour emotional pain. And yet, another wave of tears rose and fell.

She remembered how it felt to be in Aubrey's arms. How the senior had whispered in her ear words of comfort to help bring Beca out of her mind when she was plagued with yet another memory from her childhood. She remembered the tears and halfhearted attempt to fight back as she pushed her hands against Aubrey's chest before she inevitably collapsed against her in a fit of anger and sadness.

Her playing grew louder. She couldn't discern whether it was anger or sadness that was now spurring her playing as good memories laced with her anger towards Aubrey over what she had done.

She remembered how Aubrey reached out and held her face in her hands, lifting her head to study her brown eyes with her green ones. She remembered the conviction of Aubrey's voice as she promised that she'd never let anyone hurt her ever again.

The piano grew even louder as the final memory engulfed her.

She pressed down harder, picking up speed as she remembered Aubrey screaming she loved her in a desperate attempt to get her to stay. And she remembered hearing her declaration and still choosing to walk away. Her hand slowed once more, nearly freezing at the tightening in her chest as the final words of Aubrey's paper flew through her mind.

_**Subject B has suffered from Post traumatic syndrome, unaware of her condition. She is plagued with nightmares as well as episodes of dissociation. However, in my time knowing Subject B, I have never met a woman braver than her. She has overcome a lifetime of abuse at the hands of someone she trusted. Subject B embodies the concept of rising from the ashes because she has taken her experience and used it to make her strong. They say you should not try to fix someone who is broken lest you risk cutting yourself on the jagged pieces. If there is one thing this research has taught me, it is that Study B is a beautiful statue of marred and broken glass but it does not change the beautiful person encased inside. Subject B was seared by the scarring branding iron that is child abuse which resulted in her PTSD. In this research, I have come upon many people who have dealt with this disorder as a result of various catalysts. However, one thing Subject B has taught me is that Post-traumatic stress disorder scars but it does not change the person so irrevocably that they are beyond repair. PTSD warps the brain, the mind, and the spirit, but the heart—the heart remains the same. **_

Aubrey was right. Through everything and even through heartbreak, her heart _hadn't_ changed how it felt about the senior. She still loved Aubrey. But as much as she wanted to, she couldn't ignore what Aubrey had done. The words on the page seemed to haunt her and she couldn't help but repeat them in her mind over and over again as if they would suddenly say something else. God she hated Aubrey. She hated her so fucking much because she _couldn't_ hate her. It was so much simpler when the season started and she viewed her as a self-righteous bitch. She wished she didn't love Aubrey.

Aubrey had loved her and Aubrey had hurt her. She played the final few notes before her hands fell away from the keys and rested at her sides in defeat. As defeated as she felt over Aubrey's betrayal. As defeated as her broken heart. And as defeated as she was for having ever dared to fall in love in with Aubrey Posen.

_Love is when I'm lost... not when I'm found_


	39. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

**Leave Love Bleeding In My Hands **

_Dear Julia,_

_I Forgive You_

Beca could hear the ticking of the clock on the wall as she sat in silence. It had been this way for the past four minutes and she was in no rush to change it. Her mind continued to repeat Carole's question unable to formulate on answer.

"Beca?" The therapist called to capture her attention. "Why are you so hesitant to hear Aubrey's apology?" she repeated, taking her notepad and placing it to the side.

Beca continued to chew at the skin on the inside of her cheek still unsure of her answer. She just didn't want to talk to Aubrey. There wasn't anything more to it. That _was _her reason. She simply didn't want to. But she figured saying 'just because' wasn't the answer Carole was after. "I uh…" She sighed and sat back in her seat in frustration. "I don't want to hear her half-assed apology because it won't change anything. After what she's done I can't forgive her."

"You _can't_ or you _won't_?"

Beca rolled her eyes as she quickly bit back, "It's the same thing."

"No it isn't." Carole responded and picked up her notepad again. She wrote while maintaining eye contact as she spoke. "Being incapable of forgiving Aubrey because you cannot overlook what she did is completely different from being able to move past her betrayal but choosing not to."

Beca huffed in frustrate defeat. "I don't know what you expect from me. I already told you why I can't forgive her." Carole was supposed to be on her side. To hear her pushing for her to talk to Aubrey was really annoying.

"Yes, you did—last week. However, you told me a few moments ago that you've read her research paper. Are your reasons for not speaking to her the same after gaining this new information?"

Beca remained silent and instead watched Carole as she stood up. She walked to the small refrigerator on the other side of the room in what Beca presumed was her attempt to give Beca time to think about her answer. Beca looked away and fumbled with her hands as her mind ran through everything they had discussed. She had gone to bed that night so conflicted about Aubrey that she couldn't sleep for more than a few hours. She had looked forward to Monday morning where she knew she could talk to Carole and hopefully work through this confusion. A bottle of water was waved in front of her face and she reached out to take it. "Thanks," she mumbled and twisted off the cap to take a large gulp. She watched Carole retake her seat before asking, "You think I'm being irrational, don't you?"

Carole reached up and pushed her glasses up onto her face where they had slid down to the edge of her nose. "Well let me ask you this, if you hadn't found her thesis and Aubrey had confessed to you, would you have forgiven her?"

"Well not at first but eventually…" Beca said with a small shrug.

"Why?"

"Because she told me the truth and by doing so I wouldn't be left to wonder if I could trust her to be honest with me."

"Well you've told me how candid you were with her about your childhood and your issues with trust. Have you ever considered that maybe she was afraid that you wouldn't be able to forgive her?"

Beca scoffed, "So you're saying this is my fault?"

"No. I'm just asking you to question why Aubrey might not have felt comfortable confessing to you."

"So you think she was justified in lying to me?

"No." Carole said shaking her head adamantly. "I just think you should ask yourself if you ever conveyed to Aubrey that she could be honest with you. You said during your first session with me that you give people one chance to prove themselves. Maybe Aubrey was afraid that telling you the truth would ruin her one chance. That maybe you _wouldn't_ forgive her."

Beca grabbed at her in exasperation as she said, "But I love her! She should've known that I'd forgive her because I love her!"

Carole didn't respond and Beca's eyes widened as she, for the first time, realized what she said. Her head dropped and fell into her hands. No one spoke for a long time as Beca was consumed by her thoughts.

She hated the emotions Carole managed to elicit. She came here to reaffirm her decision to isolate herself from Aubrey. But now…now she wondered if being away from the senior could be sustained for the long term.

"Ok, Beca, our time is almost up. Let's go through your ending evaluation."

Beca sighed but looked up. "Ok." She was just glad that she didn't have to answer any more questions.

"Alright, you know the drill. 'Little interest or pleasure in doing things'?"

"Several days." Beca answered.

"Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless?"

"More than half the days."

Carole wrote on the evaluation sheet on her lap before moving on to the next question. "Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much?"

"Nearly every day," the freshman said, reaching into her pocket to pull out her phone and turn back on the ringer.

"Are you still having nightmares?"

"Of course," she said. Her voice was laced with sarcasm as she checked her messages. "Hell, I don't think I even remember how to have real dreams." She pushed her phone back into pocket and looked up at Carole as the therapist spoke.

"Oh really? When did they start again?"

"They never really stopped. They only varied in severity, but I guess the really bad ones started up again after…after I left Aubrey." She fumbled with a thread sticking out of the couch she sat on. She released a bitter chuckle. "Aubrey used to hold me in the night and would wake me when they got too bad. Not even a day away from her and I found myself back in the cycle…trapped in a nightmare watching…" she trailed off not wanting to tell Carole what the subject of her nightmares were.

To do so meant revealing things she only told Aubrey. The most reoccurring nightmare was watching helpless as Patricia led away her eight year old self that night and banging on the door desperately trying to get into the bedroom to save herself. She failed every time. To tell Carole about this meant having to reveal who exactly who exactly Patricia was. Dead or not, the late senator still had very powerful connections that could destroy her life if she ever told.

"Beca, I know you were completely against my suggestions pertaining to the next steps in your recovery. Now with the recent events, have you given any thoughts to it?"

Beca sighed and sat back in her chair. "Yeah. I'm just afraid that it won't work."

"Well Beca, you've said so yourself, you can only get out of it what you put in. I truly think this could help in your recovery. So what do you say?"

Beca sighed, averting her eyes for a few moments before eventually nodding, "Yeah. Ok, I'll do it."

_It's dangerous to fall in love  
But I want to burn with you tonight  
Hurt me  
There's two of us  
We're bristling with desire  
The pleasure's pain and fire_

Aubrey sighed as she flipped through her chemistry notes. It wasn't a class that she was fond of but it was one of the general education requirements she had to fill by taking a natural science. She did well in the subject in high school and thought it would be an easy A. She quickly learned that wasn't the case.

She turned slightly to reach into her bag for a highlighter. She just had a one more chapter to read through and annotate before she could grab something from the cafeteria for dinner. It was Tuesday and she didn't have her test until Thursday but she knew she would be so preoccupied with practice for the game on Saturday that she wanted to get all of it out of the way now.

She turned back to her book to mark the passage she needed but stopped when a puppy jumped into her lap suddenly. She recognized the black and white dappling pattern immediately. She smiled as Biscuit licked her face while she petted the puppy. "Hey, boy. What're you doing here?" she asked and for the first time noticed the rolled up sheets of paper tied to his collar. She reached for the sheets and pulled it open. She was confused as she stared down at what she recognized as her thesis. As if realizing for the first time that she had Beca's puppy in her arms, she looked up for Biscuit's owner. She could feel her heart beat quicken slightly at the thought of seeing the brunette. As soon as she lifted her head, her eyes locked on familiar blue ones.

Beca stood there with her signature smirk, "Hello, Bree."

"Beca" Aubrey gasped. Trhe last time she'd seen Beca, the brunette was telling her to mind her 'fucking business.' So to see Beca standing here, with a grin on her face was shocking to Aubrey and she couldn't believe that she was really in front of her, talking to her. Just when she'd given up hope that her relationship was over, Beca had come to her.

"My research paper. How did you get this?"

"Chloe gave it to me." Beca said and gathered Biscuit into her arms before taking a seat across from the senior.

Aubrey was afraid to speak and instead watched as Beca scratched behind Biscuit's ears, chuckling as he enthusiastically jumped around in her arms. She managed to calm him down a bit after a few seconds before finally looking at Aubrey.

"You were right." She said. "About what you said in your paper." she paused, stopping to gather her thoughts while she ran her free hand through her hair. "I was so fucking pissed when I found out about it. I thought that I had _finally_ found someone that I could trust completely and it turned out to be a lie." Aubrey tried to interrupt again but Beca raised her hand to gesture that she let her finish. "You're the last person I have to make amends with and I told myself that I needed to stop being such a chickenshit and just do it. So here it goes…" she took a deep breath. A few seconds later she exhaled and began to speak. I'm sorry Aubrey for dumping everything on you. I was unfair by expecting things of you, telling you about my childhood and everything that happened to me. I dumped all of this baggage onto you and gave you all of me without stopping to make sure you actually wanted it."

Aubrey didn't respond right away, not sure if Beca was finished. This was the first time they have actually held a conversation of more than a few words and she didn't want to ruin it by saying or doing the wrong thing. After a second in silence she saw that Beca waiting for her response. She slightly cleared her through before she spoke. "I know you hate apologies so I'll just say that I was never supposed to fall in love with you. When I started the paper I had _no idea_ what you were going to tell me. And after we started dating, _every day_ I considered deleting the paper. Every single day, the closer we got, the more I agonized over what I was doing."

"Did you ever consider how it would make me feel if I ever found out?"

"Every single day but as much as I hated myself for writing it, it kept me sane. Everything you told me was horrifying and—and writing it down, reading about it, it all made processing it easier."

"Chloe told me that you might not graduate because you didn't hand it in."

"I couldn't."

Beca nodded. She let Biscuit jumped own from her arms as she tightened her hold on his leash. She reached into her back pocket, and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Aubrey watched her stare at the item in her hand for a few seconds before she extended her arm and handed it to the senior.

Aubrey reached out and took the paper and slowly opened it. Glancing at Beca once more for confirmation, she looked down at the paper in her hand and read what it said.

"_Dear Aubrey Posen, Your thesis has been accepted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Degree of Bachelor of Science in the field of Psychology."_

There was more written in the letter but she didn't bother reading after the first line. She didn't understand how it was possible for her to have been approved for graduation if she didn't hand in her paper. The only way it would be possible was if…she paused her mental conversation and looked at Beca.

"But why? I…you hate me."

Beca rolled her eyes and took a seat at the wooden table across from the senior. "I thought we covered this on Thanksgiving. I don't hate you, Aubrey. I just…I know how much getting your degree meant to you and what has happened between us shouldn't get in the way of that."

Aubrey looked down at the research paper on the table and then back up at her ex-girlfriend.

"Did you read it?"

Beca nodded and Aubrey immediately opened her mouth to speak but Beca stopped her by raising her hand. "I did read it and like I said, you were right. About everything. I do decorate my room in cartoons because it reminds me of a simpler time. When I was still innocent. I do push people away and I _am_ cold and cruel to protect myself from getting hurt like that again. I just…I'm seeing a therapist and I'm going to AA but I'm afraid that what you wrote in your conclusion isn't true. That all of this _has_ changed me and I'm too damaged to recover." She wiped at her eyes and looked up at Aubrey from where she'd been fidgeted with her hands. "Do you think I'll ever get better?"

Aubrey reached out and cupped Beca's face as she nodded. "I do."

Beca nodded, sniffling slightly. She averted her eyes away from Aubrey long enough to let her eyes dry and the tears recede.

"I…I went to see Julia." Beca said after sometime.

Aubrey tensed up, still not comfortable with hearing about Beca's abuser. She cleared her throat before asking, "How did it go?"

"We finally talked. It was an _honest_ talk and I got a lot of the answers that I had gone there for. "

"I'm glad. I know how much it bothered you to not know why she had done those things to you."

Beca didn't respond. She still kept her eyes from Aubrey and instead focused on Biscuit who had begun to bark loudly at an elderly woman walking her dog in the distance. After a while in silence Beca spoke. "I—I missed you."

Aubrey looked at Beca and quickly responded, "I missed you too."

With a sigh, Beca turned back to Aubrey and said, "Aubrey, look…I don't trust you and I'm not sure if I ever will again but it doesn't make how I feel about you go away. It still hurts like hell when I think about what you did but I don't want to lose you." She reached out and held Aubrey's hand and smiled sadly as she said, "I'm not sure if we'll ever get back to where we were but I lo—care about you too much not to try."

Aubrey sighed softly. She was disappointed by Beca's lack of optimism regarding their future but she couldn't blame her. After all, she was the reason why Beca now harbored doubts in the first place. "C—can I ask you something?"

Beca gave a simple nod. "Fire away."

"The night of the Delaware game, you said you had to tell me something. What was it?"

Beca didn't respond and instead distracted herself once again by watching Biscuit run around trying to get as far as he could before his leash pulled him back. After a while she looked at Aubrey and tried to give her an optimistic smile but she wasn't quite successful, "It doesn't matter."

Aubrey nodded and smiled sadly at Beca. "Ok. Well thank you for giving me the chance to explain."

Beca nodded and stood up. "I have class in a few and I still need to get biscuit home. But it was really good seeing you, and I like the hair." She said, gesturing to Aubrey's auburn hair, pilled sloppily on her head in a bun. Aubrey laughed as a few tears escaped her eyes. She didn't meant ot cry but the entire situation was overwhelmingly sad. Beca said she was willoing to fight for their relationshiop but Aubrey felt like it was fight that was already lost. Like Beca had said, they might never get bhack the closeness they ocne shared; romantic or platonic. That thought along was enough to overwhelm her with sadness. She used the palm of her hand to wipe her cheeks and she tried to remain nonchalant despote how torn she felt.

"I guess all of your pestering about my hair finally paid off."

Beca rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless. "I meant it, Bree. It was really good seeing you."

"You too. I…after finals all of the girls were thinking about going to Miami to celebrate making it to the finals, win or lose. Maybe we could hang out then?"

Beca looked down for a split second, scuffing the front of her Converse on the asphalt below, before she returned her gaze to Aubrey. Her eyes were apologetic as she said, "I—I can't."

Aubrey tried to hide her disappointment but she knew she failed. She knew she shouldn't have gotten her hopes up that she and Beca would go back to the way things were. She knew that she had broken their relationship beyond repair.

"Hey," Beca said, reaching out to touch her hand. She must have sensed her disappointment because she quickly amended her statement. "It's not that I don't want to be around you, I just…after finals I'm checking back into the hospital."

Aubrey couldn't hide her shock quickly enough so that Beca didn't notice. The brunette did see, however, and once dimply nodded releasing a soft chuckle.

When she saw Aubrey's shocked face she nodded and released a soft chuckle. "Yeah. I'm gonna actually let them help me this time. But," she scratched at the back of her neck nervously as she looked at the senior. "How about afterwards? I can give you a call and maybe we can do something like go see Suicide Squad. How does that sound?"

Aubrey nodded and wiped at the stray tears falling down her cheeks. She didn't care to hide them anymore.

"That sounds great."

Beca nodded and gave Aubrey a genuine smile, the first she'd seen since their break up. She took a few steps backwards, gesturing behind her. "I have to go but I meant it, Bree. I'm not ready to give up just yet."

"Me neither."

"Ok. So this summer? There's an Imax and a large popcorn with a sickening amount of butter on it that has our names on it, right?" she asked, glancing down at Biscuit as he circled around her feet.

Aubrey smiled and nodded her head, "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Beca turned away and Aubrey watched her take a few steps before calling out to her. She couldn't let Beca walk away without telling her what she's wanted to say for the past four months but never could. She'd said it the night of their breakup but in the heat of the moment the doubted it sounded genuine to the freshman. So this was her chance to tell Beca how much she cared for her and have the freshman known she meant it.

"Yeah?"

"If…If I told you I loved you would you hold it against me?"

Beca smiled sadly. She took the few steps that separated her and the senior and leaned over. Aubrey's eyes slipped shut as she felt Beca place her hand on her cheek and kissed her forehead. She tried not to look disappointed when Beca pulled away and smiled down at her sadly.

"I'll see you in practice, Bree."

Aubrey was too emotional to speak and she simply nodded. She forced a smile to hide her sadness for Beca's sake and watched her walk away. As the distance widened between them Aubrey felt like a string was wrapped around her heart and Beca was at risk of pulling it out right out of her chest as she walked further away. She and Beca had experienced so much together and she had watched as her relationship with Beca blossomed into something beautiful. It was like watching a rose bloom in the spring only to watch it shrivel and wither away in the fall. And now she was forced to watch the woman she loved walk away. Possibly taking her heart with her forever.

_Fire meet gasoline  
I'm burning alive  
I can barely breathe  
When you're here loving me  
_


	40. Chapter 39

Chapter 39

_**No Good in Goodbye**_

Dear God,

_In AA, my sponsor, Sybil says that you have a plan for all of us. Is this true? My family wasn't into the whole church thing. I doubt my mom even owned a book no less a bible. The only thing I've ever seen her read is the label of a tequila bottle._

_But, if you do have a plan, was Julia apart of mine? I try not to get angry about that idea because it makes me want to drink, ya know the whole idea that the abuse being destined to happen whether I played basketball or not—it was fate that she'd find me. And you know what, that fucking sucks if that's true. But anyway, Sybil says maybe I need to look at it from another perspective and I've been sitting here all night trying to figure it out. It wasn't until I sat to write this letter that I realized that, without the almost involuntary need to get away from Julia, I wouldn't have met a girl who showed me how to love…that I was capable of love. Aubrey is…I don't know how to describe—describe these feelings. I never thought that I'd be able to give my heart to someone in the way that I have and although she betrayed me, I still feel a bit of hope that maybe we'll make it out of this stronger. With all the hate I used to feel towards Julia on a daily basis, I thought I had long ago lost any capacity to love. Hell, I couldn't even love my own mother so I thought loving others was not a possibility for me. This hurt I've felt, and still feel, about what Aubrey did shows just how much I love her. In the past I wouldn't let anyone get this close to me to even have the chance to hurt me like that. But I let her in… She betrayed but along the way she did show me that I'm not broken…that Julia hadn't damaged me beyond repair. That I _**can**_ love, be loved, and fall in love. So, if that's the silver lining of this pretty shitty cloud that is my life, then I guess I owe you a thanks._

Beca made her way down the semi-lit tunnel towards the arena. The team had long ago gotten used to Beca waiting for the entire team to leave before she changed and she was grateful that they didn't dally around the locker room like they normally did. As she approached the mouth of the tunnel she spotted a figure hidden by the shadows of the dark space. She walked closer and when she reached the person she realized that it was Jessica. The sophomore stood, leaning against the wall behind her and when she noticed Beca's presence she looked up and smiled.

"You didn't have to wait for me," she said but offered a grateful smile anyway.

Jessica shrugged and stood up straight. "Fat Amy is trying to give everyone a bit of her 'butt confidence' and I got away while I could."

Both girls laughed as they made their way down the rest of the tunnel. Before they entered the arena, Beca stopped Jessica. "Hey, you've been kinda out of it lately. Are you sure you're ok?"

Jessica sighed and turned towards the freshman. "Yeah. Well I'm doing ok considering my body is trying to kill me." It was meant to be a joke but Beca could tell just how much the diagnosis was affecting the sophomore.

"Hey, don't think like that. Didn't you tell me they caught it early this time and might be able to save your leg?"

Jessica nodded but her face still remained pensive. "Yeah, that's the hope but anything can happen. My inpatient check-in is tomorrow morning."

"Well do you want me to go with you?"

Jessica shook her head, "Thanks but Ash will be with me. It's not like I'll be under for long, anyway. Just a saw to my calf and it's over."

Beca wrapped her arm around Jessica's shoulder. "I cannot imagine how hard this is on you."

"I'm ok most days. It's just being here and around you guys…it just reminds me that I'm never going to get to experience this again with you all."

"Hey don't say that. You've done perfectly fine with one prosthetic. It'll be an adjustment but I'm sure you'll be able to still play after your surgery."

Jessica looked at her and smirked as she said, "Optimism coming from you sounds almost as weird as it does coming from Dr. Reddy."

Beca laughed at the reminder of their American Lit professor. He was the embodiment of a pessimism. He told his students before every exam 'hope for a D. If you score higher than a D, well good job and if you got a D at least you expected it, right?'

Beca patted Jessica's shoulder, "C'mon, let's get out there before Fat Amy comes looking for us."

As Coach Abernathy called everyone in to give a last minute rundown of the game plan Beca noticed that the row right behind their seats was filled with Barden's men's basketball team. They had played their last game a few days before, losing in the final four to Duke. It was a tough loss considering they had only lost by four points but they seemed to have bounced back enough to be here to support the women's team. They all wore their away-jerseys that matched the ones the women wore and Jesse stood wearing a ridiculously large foam finger. The team cheered for them and led the half of the arena that house Barden's fans in their team chant. "Let's go Royals! Let's go!" Even Donald and Bumper were there which surprised her greatly. Behind them was her father, Sheila and their son Daniel. Beca shook her head in amusement as she watched her father point at his homemade jersey. She couldn't help her own smile at the cheesy grin he wore.

She was still warming up to his family and even Warren himself, but it meant a lot to her that he traveled all the way here to Tampa to watch her play. There were so many people here to watch them play, thousands of fans dressed in various shades of green cheering for them. Back in high school, she had always tried to make sure she didn't take on unnecessary pressure by trying to win for other people but she really didn't want to let her team down. She wasn't going to play her hardest for the fans but she _was_ going to play her heart out for her team.

_Keep changing your mind.  
Like clouds in the sky.  
Love me when you're high.  
Leave me when you cry.  
I know it all takes time.  
Like a river running dry when the suns to bright._

Beca stood, her knees bent and her hands resting on her thighs. Sweat pouring into her face and the deafening crowd both made it hard for her to see or hear Coach Abernathy. The older woman was crouched at the head of the semi-circle while the rest of the team leaned over to see her drawing board. It had been a grueling game full of aggression and animosity, with both Barden and Haggard Lee throwing everything they had into the game. Every time Beca went to the basket she paid for it with a lot contact from the other players whether it be an elbow or what have you. The HLU Panthers were living up to their name with their aggression. Beca wouldn't be surprised if she learned after the game that she had knocked a tooth or two loose. However, HLU got as good as they gave with Fat Amy, Stacie, and Cynthia Rose making it extremely difficult for HLU players to score without drawing a foul. There was one minute left in the game. One minute left that could decide who left victorious and who didn't. Barden was down by two and this was their last time out.

"Ladies, they're going to try and run out the clock. This is our last game and I'll be damned if we don't go out fighting. Beca." She looked over to the brunette and said, "You're one of the fastest players on this team. If you have the chance to steal, take it."

Beca nodded. She lifted the collar of her shirt and used it to wipe at the sweat on her forehead.

"Defense, I want a press. I want steals, and fast breaks. Like I said at the last game, we're going back to Georgia with the title."

Coach Abernathy stood up and looked at her team. She took a few steps forward and her team gathered around her. "Ladies, this is it. Our final game. When we stood in my office waiting to get that call from the NCAA president, I asked you all to give me that last bit of energy you had. To give me everything you had for these next six games. Now, we are here at our last one. We are one minute away from a national title. Right now, this isn't about talent. This is about who truly wants this win. Some of you have played for ten years and will play again after this game. Some of you will never play again after these sixty seconds. However, none of that's important. Right now, the only thing that matters is being able to leave this gym tonight and being able to look your teammates in the eyes. Being able to look at each and every one of them and know you told them the truth. And that truth is that you played with everything you have. That everything you have to give, you left out there on the court." The buzzard sounded, warning them that they had ten ten seconds to get back on the court. Coach Abernathy ignored the outside noise of buzzards and screaming fans as she continued to speak. "HLU has been here before, every time UConn placed first, they placed second. This position isn't new for them so they're not going to hand us this game ladies. We have to go out there and take it."

Cynthia Rose began a slow clap that quickly gained momentum as she shouted, "We've gotta take it ladies!" Everyone placed their hand in the center and Coach Abernathy said, "Leave everything out there on the court ladies. Now Barden on three. One….Two…Three…"

"Barden!"

The starting five, Beca, Aubrey, Chloe, Cynthia Rose, and Stacie stepped out onto the court and took their positions in the full court press. Beca lifted her feet one by one, using her hand to wipe at the bottom of the soles of her shoes so that she didn't slip. She refused to let the win slip between their fingers because of a technicality like falling. She stood at the top of the court where the two HLU players stood with the referee preparing to inbound the ball. She glanced behind her at Chloe who stood at the half court line and then over to Aubrey who stood on guard in front of the third HLU guard. Aubrey caught her eye and smiled softly at her and Beca smirked and tapped the side of her temple. Aubrey immediately brightened and Beca didn't believe that she'd ever seen Aubrey smile as brightly as she did in that moment.

"_Did you always want to play basketball?" Beca asked. She looked around the canvas she was painting to where her girlfriend sat reviewing notes for her class._

"_Honestly…" Aubrey glanced at the brunette, "No. Volleyball was my original calling but my dad…he didn't think it was worth his time." Aubrey sighed and turned over onto her back, her head turning sideways to view the painting freshman. "When I was eight, one of my gym teacher, who was also the volleyball coach for the high school across the street, came to my parents about summer camps to help with my playing. He said I could be great blocker if I worked on it. My dad said, if I wanted to play a sport I could play the sport the rest of the family did."_

"_And you gave into his demands." It wasn't an indictment. Simply a statement. _

"_No. I didn't give in to his demands. I wanted to play basketball because it was something I hoped would make my dad proud of me. But I guess we can't have everything we want, right." _

_Beca could see her wiping her eyes and trying to hide the few tears that managed to escape. _

"_Hey, Bree—" she began but was interrupted by the senior before she could finish her statement._

"_So what about you. When did you know this was your sport?"_

_Beca knew she was trying to change the subject and she would grant her that reprieve but she planned to return to this topic sooner or later. She hated seeing just how broken Aubrey was over her relationship with her father. "Um…my mom's first boyfriend after my dad left, Malcom, he was a huge basketball fan, the Celtics in particular. I think he used to play D1 ball too but got hurt and never played again." She trailed off as a small smile appeared on her face as she remembered the man. "I remember sitting in the kitchen eating dinner and he called me over asking if I'd ever seen a basketball game. I was only like four or five at the time so the only television I watched was cartoon network and nickelodeon."_

"_Much like you do now?" Aubrey quipped with a chuckle. Beca rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless. _

"_Anyway," she said, flicking a bit of paint at Aubrey and laughing when the senior shrieked at being hit. "We were watching some sports highlight reel and they were reviewing the Celtics versus the Bulls game when Bird and Jordan still played. I don't know, seeing Larry Bird pull up for the shot right there in Jordan's face… it was so simple. Nothing fancy but I was so excited and wanted to do that. Of course, being a forward like Bird was out of the question as soon as I realized I wasn't going to grow anymore but those days with Malcom playing in the driveway…I felt kinda invincible. "_

"_It seems like you got along with him."_

_Beca picked up her brush and resumed painting as she nodded. "I did. I mean, he was the first guy my mom dated after my dad ran off. I was stupid enough back then to think he was going to marry her and be my new dad."_

_Aubrey sat up to look at her but Beca quickly averted her eyes._

"_Well what happened to him?"_

"_Overdose in the kitchen." She grew silent and focused on the red paint in front of her for a while. After a period of silence she looked back at Aubrey and said, "Malcolm wasn't a great guy. He did support my ma's drug habit, after all, but he tried to at least be decent to me. You know how I never wear the same socks twice? Well I got that from him. It was something he used to do when he played I wanted to be like him so I did it too. I just never got out of the habit."_

"_Well I'm glad. Without him, I might have never met you."_

_Beca couldn't help but think, 'I wouldn't have met Julia either' but she quickly quashed that train of thought. The smile Aubrey was giving her, the one that was soft and natural, unlike the one she gave others, was the best part of her girlfriend. She was beautiful and ridiculously smart, even more so now with her reading glasses on that she didn't allow anyone to see her in except Chloe and Beca. However, it was her smile that Beca really loved. As much as she hated basketball for paving the way for Julia to enter her life, she couldn't hate it as much as she wanted to because, after all, it brought her to Aubrey. _

The referee's whistle caught her attention and she focused on the guard waiting to receive the ball. When the referee handed the ball to the out of bound player the clock began. The player in blue passed the ball to her team and the HLU guard took off down the court. However, Beca was right there on her heels and she didn't get that far before Aubrey and Beca had her trapped near the half court line. The HLU guard panicked and threw the ball up hoping to get off a successful pass to her teammate a few feet away but it was quickly intercepted by Cynthia Rose. Beca didn't hesitate in taking off towards their basket, her head turned slightly so that she could see behind her as Cynthia Rose launched the ball towards her. The HLU players weren't quick enough to stop the ball movement. The player that inbounded the ball tried to intercept Beca but the BU guard quickly bounce passed around the woman in front of her and over to Aubrey who made the layup.

Beca glanced up. Thirty seven seconds remained and the number seventy-three was displayed on each side of the score board signifying. Unfortunately, HLU managed to successfully score off a fast break leaving Barden with a two point deficit.

Now only twenty-five seconds remained. Beca received the ball from Aubrey to put the ball into play. Immediately an HLU player jumped in front of her and Beca smirked when she realized that the other team had dropped out of their zone defense and decided to cover them one on one. It would be easier to get past one person rather than two or three. She spotted Aubrey running past her towards the wing on her left. She quickly passed to her and waited until the senior took her spot at the top of the key before running the baseline to break free from her guard.

She continued to cut to and from the basket but the guard from HLU remained at her side, almost as if she knew all of Beca's moves.

The guard in blue chuckled haughtily as she said, "I never understood why Coach Matthews insisted that I watch all of your tapes from high school but it seems to be paying off."

Beca froze. She looked over at Julia who simply smirked at her before turning away to direct another player. Beca, despite her anger wasn't surprised that Julia had done what she did. As much as she loathed to admit it, Beca had learned almost all of her fundamentals from Julia which included getting away from a guard. Beca released a low growl as she pushed off the HLU player and once again tried to get free. She wasn't going to let Julia get to her again and ruin this game the way she had before. There were seven seconds left and she could only hope that Aubrey would be able to get a shot off. She watched as the blonde crossed over from her left hand to her right hand, taking advantage of her guard overplaying her left side. Beca smiled as she watched Aubrey enter the paint. Her guard got in her way but with a quick pivot Aubrey was able to jump and quickly release the ball right in the defender's face. It was almost a carbon copy of Larry Bird against Jordan and Beca just knew it would go in.

Everyone watched as the ball entered the hoop to tie the game as the time ran out. In her peripheral, Beca could see Aubrey fall to the ground but she was too overcome with relief to take notice immediately. It wasn't until she heard a strangled cry did she look over and her face paled at the sight of Aubrey cradling her knee in pain. Beca broke into a sprint to reach her and immediately fell to her knees to look at Aubrey's leg. She could hear someone yelling to get the athletic trainer but Beca was too focused on the crying girl underneath her.

"It's gonna be alright, Bree. Just hold on. Help is on its way."

Aubrey looked up at her through teary eyes as she bit her lip to hold in a cry of pain. "Did I make the shot?"

Beca chuckled and nodded her head. Of course, even with a possible injury, Aubrey's first priority would be the game. "Yeah, you tied the game."

Aubrey tried to smile but it didn't last long before another cry of pain left her lips. After a few steady breaths to calm herself, she said "I'm no Larry Bird but I think I got pretty damn close with that shot don't you think?"

Beca laughed as she wiped away a lone tear. It hurt her to see Aubrey trying to fight back all of the pain. "Yeah. I think he would agree with you."

Aubrey groaned in pain as two of the athletic trainers helped her to her feet. She looked at Beca. "I'm not in the game to help carry your ass anymore, so you better win, Mitchell," she said with a mock glare. Beca smirked and raised her hand to her forehead in a mock salute. Beca stood up and watched as the trainers led the senior away while everyone in the arena clapped in support.

_Keep dodging lights.  
Like a thief in the night.  
The sun will rise and expose all our lies.  
So why deny that you and I lead different lives.  
The rivers from your eye's can't change my mind._

Beca ran a hand through her hair and looked to Coach Abernathy who waved her over. Beca jogged over to her and Coach Abernathy patted her shoulders as the rest of the team gathered around. "We're going into overtime ladies. That means five minutes to take this game."

"What about Aubrey?" Stacie asked.

Coach Abernathy sighed, "The trainer says he won't know for sure until he gets her on a table back in his training room but it looks like she tore her ACL."

Everyone sighed empathetically and Coach Abernathy nodded her head, "Come on ladies, we still have a game to play. Alright, I want my starting five, but for Aubrey's replacement I want—"

"Coach?"

"Yes, Beca?"

"I think you should put in Jessica."

Everyone looked at Beca including a wide eyed Jessica and Beca simply smirked at the sophomore.

"No offense, Jessica, but you've been sick lately and I don't think we should risk it." Fat Amy said.

Beca rolled her eyes seeing some of the other girls agreeing, "She can play. Plus we're gonna have to outrun this team if we want to win and she's the fastest person on the team." Beca knew that everyone had Jessica's best interest at heart since the sophomore had revealed to them her diagnosis a few days ago. She just didn't think it would be fair for her to sit out what might be her last game. Even if they did lose, that wasn't what was important to Beca. She had enough trophies and medals to know that in the end they were nothing but pieces of plastic and metal.

Coach Abernathy looked at Beca intensely for a few seconds before nodding and turning to Jessica. "Alright. Jessica you're in but the moment I see that you're getting tired I'm taking you out. Your health comes first."

The sophomore nodded and walked out onto the court with the rest of the starters.

Five minutes were added to the clock and Stacie once again stood in the center of the court with the Center from HLU for the jump ball. When the referee released the ball Stacie was able to hit it in Beca's direction and the brunette quickly called out for the setup of Lightning. She swiftly crossed over in front of the guard in front of her and ran around her, driving to the basket. She spotted the HLU player preparing to jump and block her shot so she quickly kicked the ball out to Jessica for the sophomore to shoot. The ball left her hands as quickly as it entered and Beca turned to box out the closest player to her as she watched the ball prepared to get a rebound if she could. Unfortunately, the ball bounced off the rim but Stacie was there to quickly put the ball back up for the two points. The team ran down to set up for defense and Beca patted Jessica on the back as they passed, telling her she'd make the shot next time and not to worry about missing. Jessica nodded and ran to her spot. With a quick and crafty post play, HLU was able to score, once again tying the game at seventy-seven.

Beca brought the ball down and called out the same play. She saw that they had a little under three minutes before the game ended. The guard in front of her tried to reach for the ball but Beca quickly passed it between her legs and out of reach before bounce passing to Chloe who quickly made the short jumper. That earned Barden another two points.

Beca could see Jessica favoring her leg out of the corner of her eye. Coach Abernathy must have noticed as well because as they ran back to get on defense she noticed that Coach Abernathy had called to Lily probably to take out Jessica. However, before Lily could get to the scoring table Beca saw Jessica steal the ball from the HLU guard and take off down the court, the opposing players being unable to catch up to her. She made it down the court within seconds for the layup.

Beca smiled when she saw Coach Abernathy call back Lily. The game continued on with both teams playing rough and dirty. It seemed that the referees were turning a blind eye to the holding, and elbows being thrown. Barden managed to score another six points in the next two minutes while HLU had a series of made three pointers that totaled nine. This left the Panthers ahead of Barden by one point with the score being eighty-five to eighty-six. There were twenty seconds on the clock and Beca knew she had to score or at least draw a foul if they wanted to win.

She glanced over to the bench and was surprised to see Aubrey sitting with a pair of crutches leaning against the chair next to her. Beca knew she wasn't supposed to be here but knowing how stubborn the senior was, she probably waited for the trainer to leave before grabbing the crutches and making her way back to the gym. Beca didn't blame her. This was the last game of her college career and she knew the senior wasn't going to let a knee injury (no matter how serious it was) prevent her from seeing it to its completion. Beca made her way down court with the ball bouncing at her side and attempted to get past the guard in front of her, the same one that apparently had studied all of her moves. As hard as she tried and as many times and she crossed over, she was finding it to be quite difficult. She passed around the guard to Cynthia Rose at the foul line and cut to the wing. Cynthia Rose faked the shot and when the guard in front of her jumped, she dribbled around her. Unfortunately another HLU player was there to meet her and quickly slapped the ball away. Beca saw that it was headed out of bounds and she sprinted to try and save it. She managed to grab the ball but couldn't pass it back in before her feet hit the ground. She cursed, making sure it was low enough that the referee couldn't hear. The last thing she needed was a technical foul. Since she was the last person to touch the ball before it was deemed out of bounds, the possession went to the other team.

Beca could looked back at her team and saw the defeated looks on their faces as well as the smug looks of victory on the faces of the opposing team. With a sigh she stood in front of the closest HLU player as they set up to inbound the ball. There were only five seconds left and they wouldn't be able to make it down court in time for another shot but that wasn't even necessary. They had won already. It would take a miracle at this point.

The referee blew the whistle and handed the HLU player the ball. Stacie stood in front of the inbounding player, jumping up and down trying to block her view point, but the guard was able to get off the pass to her teammate standing under Barden's basket. However, like lightning, a player in white managed to get there a split second before and steal the ball. Before Beca could even register what was happening she instinctively sprinted towards the basket and Jessica, who Beca now realized was the one who stole the ball, passed it to her for the layup which she successfully made just as the buzzard sounded.

The arena erupted into cheers and applause as confetti fell from the ceiling and Beca, along with the rest of the team ran towards Jessica, gathering around her for basically winning the game.

Everyone lined up for the final handshakes and Beca for the first time could feel happiness. Never before had basketball made her feel like this. She saw her teammates cheering and she even saw Chloe crying which was amusing in itself. The side of the gym filled with their fans began cheering and chanting,

"Let's Go Royals!" followed by five claps before repeating the statement. Beca could even hear Bumper telling people that he knew all along that they were going to win. She tried not to roll her eyes at the pompous ass that was Bumper Allen.

She was the last to join the line and quickly made her way down the series of players.

Normally Beca didn't bother looking at the faces of the other opponents as she slapped their hands. Usually they harbored bitter animosity and she didn't want their negative feelings to taint her post win high. However, when she reached the last person in the line and they took a hold of her hand Beca looked up immediately. Julia stood before and Beca froze. She could see the weariness in the older woman's eyes. It was hidden behind a carefully crafted mask of indifference but Beca had plenty of years of experience to notice the melancholy that the older woman skillfully hid. Beca stood there holding the hand of her tormentor and abuser and for the first time she didn't feel like she had been snagged in a bear trap, never to escape Julia's claws again. With a sigh and an attempt to gather as much courage as she could, Beca spoke. "Good game, coach."

Julia let her mask fall as she said in a strangled voice, "I don't want it to end like this. Please don't give up on us, Blackbird. Please don't give up on _me_. It's me—"

"And you against the world."

_Beca looked down at the older woman as she squatted in front of her, trying to calm down the nervous nine year old. _

"_I'm scared Ms. Julia. They're all so tall and fast." The young girl said, glancing behind her to the basketball court where the other team was warming up. Julia grabbed ahold of Beca's hands and brought them together, leaning forward to kiss the knuckles of the young girl's hand._

"_Honey, what have I told you from day one?"_

_Beca shrugged and chewed at her bottom lip anxiously. She really didn't want to go out there with all of the taller fifth graders and get all of her shots blocked because she couldn't see over their heads. _

_Julia smiled at her and said, "Blackbird, I've told you that no one, absolutely no one can stop you from playing the game you love. So what if they're taller. You're quicker. You're smarter. You can read the whole court and work the defense. I wouldn't put you out there if I didn't think you could do it."_

_Beca looked at her with hopeful eyes. "Do you really think so?"_

"_I know so, Blackbird. Ignore all those people in the stands and listen to no one but me. They don't know how good of a player you are like I do. When they see you play today, they won't ever doubt you again."_

_Beca remained silent as she turned around to face the court. As she watched the opposing team shoot around she could see Julia stand up in her peripheral. A few seconds later, a comforting arm wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her close. She looked up at the older woman, "Do you think I'll ever be able to go out there one day and not be afraid?"_

_Julia nodded, and took a step in front of Beca to block her view of the source of her anxiety. "Honey, there are a lot of things in this world that are scary but if it's really worth then you'll have to be brave enough to face that fear. And until then, I'll be right here to help you ok, little bird?"_

"_Yes Ms. Julia." Beca said with a smile much brighter and optimistic then the worried countenance she wore only moments before. _

"_Alright, well then get out there."_

_Beca nodded and enthusiastically ran out onto the court but stopped short and quickly ran back to her. She quickly spoke before the older woman could question her._

"_Do you promise?"_

"_Promise what?" Julia questioned in confusion._

"_That you'll always be there when I'm scared?" _

_The older woman smiled at her and nodded, leaning down to kiss her gently on the forehead, "I promise sweetheart. Always. Remember, it's—"_

"_Me and you against the world."_

Beca finished the older woman's statement and saw Julia smile softly as she nodded somewhat desperately. Beca looked down at their joined hands and knew that what she had said was true. For a long time all they did have was each other, and a part of Beca knew she would miss the side of Julia that wasn't abusive. The side that took care of her like a mother. For so long she had been terrified of facing Julia and finally severing the link that connected them, but not anymore. This was going to end today. She needed to move on. She _wanted_ to move on and as much as it frightened her, she was going to walk away from Julia today and never look back.

Beca tried to pull her hand free but was unable to. She looked at Julia. She could see the weariness in her eyes again. However, this time Julia didn't try to hide it.

"Blackbird, please—"

"Julia, if you've _ever_ loved me, then let me go." Both woman understood that Beca was referring to more than just her hand.

Julia didn't respond and Beca waited. The two looked into each other's eyes and just like the night she went to her home planning to kill her, they had a rare moment where they were honestly seeing each other. Then she felt it.

Julia loosened her her hold on Beca's hand and allowed a lone tear to fall as she said woefully, "G-good game Miss Mitchell."

Beca allowed herself to smile softly as she said, "You too."

Julia released her hand, and Beca could see how much it hurt her to let go. However, she meant it when she said she planned to walk away and never look back. She turned away and walked back over to the bench where her team was. Coach Abernathy grabbed her arm and pulled her into a hug which the brunette returned. The embrace lasted for a few seconds before the older woman pulled back and smiled tearfully at her as she said, "Great game Beca!"

The freshman chuckled, "Oh don't get soft on me now, Coach. I would hate to have to change the image in my mind of you being the badass head women's basketball coach to sappy old woman."

Gail slapped her on the arm lightly as she chuckled, "Oh shut up Mitchell and got get your shirt and hat." Beca laughed and jogged over to the assistant coach. She was handed a hat and t-shirt which she quickly put on as Aubrey made her way towards her.

"Good game, Mitchell." Aubrey said with a bright smile and Beca smirked. She opened her mouth to respond but stopped when she saw reporters heading her way. She looked over at Aubrey and rolled her eyes. She had never been a fan of the cameras and spotlight. The senior smirked and said, "It's your time to shine, Mitchell."

Before Beca could respond in a fashion that wasn't quite appropriate for television, a camera was placed in front of her. She glared at Aubrey, silently saying, 'this wasn't over', before looking back at the reporter trying not to show on her face, the annoyance she felt.

"Rebeca, when was the moment in this game that you felt like it was possible to take the victory?"

"Honestly, never. I'm not selling my team short here but for me, the victory is never guaranteed until the clock reads double zero. HLU is a hell of a team with…with a great coach and I'm sure it could have just as easily been their lead point guard that you'd be interviewing instead of me."

She used the collar of her t-shirt to wipe at a few beads of sweat as she leaned in to hear the question.

"How did it feel going into overtime after Aubrey Posen managed to tie the game."

"Um, it was bittersweet. Yeah, we tied the game but one of our own got hurt. So while I was happy that the game could continue, I didn't like seeing Aubrey in pain like that."

"There was a lot of critics doubting your place here to tonight after losing to Delaware State. Did that affect the team in any way? Did you feel like you had to prove something tonight?"

"No." Beca said bluntly. "Unless they're out here on the court with us, or suiting up for a game, their opinion doesn't matter. Everyone can be a critic from the stands but unless they're out here like my team, or HLU, or even DSU, they really don't understand the hard work that goes into this. We did lose to Delaware but DSU took their spot for granted and we picked it up. If we truly didn't belong here we wouldn't be here."

"How did it feel playing against your former Coach?"

Beca sighed. She knew this question was coming sooner or later. Julia was, after all, very famous for her success in the high school division and her promotion was big news in the NCAA. Exhaling she shrugged, "We both came here hoping to win. Barden came out victorious and HLU didn't but I think we parted on good terms." It was specific enough to answer the question but vague enough not to express the strained relationship she had with her former coach.

"Alright, well last question, Miss Mitchell. What are your plans now that you are a national champion?"

Beca chuckled. She removed her hat for a second to wipe at her sweaty forehead with the back of her hand before replacing the cap. "I'm going to go home and have a bowl of Captain Crunch and binge watch Scooby doo."

The reporter laughed along with the camera man before the reporter turned back towards the camera. "You heard it here first on ESPN. Rebeca Mitchell, member of the NCAA division one women's basketball national championship team, Barden University, is going home to enjoy the captain and the gang."

Beca thanked the reporter as was customary and turned back to her team to rejoin them. She walked over to Aubrey who sat laid on a stretcher watching with a soft smile. Beca guessed the trainer finally managed to get her to cooperate.

"So I see that you still have that unhealthy obsession with multicolored cereal," Aubrey said when she reached her.

Beca smirked, "Ehh, you know me. My day isn't completely until I'm riding a ridiculous sugar high."

Aubrey's smile faltered for a moment as she looked away before returning her gaze to the freshman. "When…when do you leave?"

"In two weeks."

"Will I get to see you before then?"

"I'm not sure. I don't want to make any promises since I'll be pretty busy with finishing my finals early and whatnot," she said, moving out of the way to allow the EMT to secure the straps around Aubrey's waist. When he finished Beca stepped closer and tried to reassure Aubrey with a smile.

"This feels an awful lot like a goodbye," the senior sad sadly. She reached up and wiped at her eyes with the sides of her index fingers.

"It's not. I meant it Bree…I…" she trailed off not sure if she should be honest with Aubrey. After finding out about Aubrey's thesis, Beca had gone back to her old ways of emotionally distancing herself from everyone. A part of her didn't want to keep the senior out because she did, after all, still love her. Yet, the other part of her, the part that had been around the longest, the part that had protected her from all of the hurt she suffered throughout the years, told her not to let Aubrey back in. That part nearly won. However, seeing the tears falling from the senior's eyes despite the confetti and cheering around them, she felt compelled to at least let the senior know that she wasn't the only one that had fallen in love. Even if they never got back together, Aubrey at least deserved to know that Beca had lost just as much as she had.

"I love you, Aubrey…I love you too much to just give up. You hurt me and that's not something I'm going to easily forget but I do want to be with you at some point in the future. I just need to work on me first before I can even consider trying at a relationship again. You don't have to wait for me. Hell, I'd understand if you didn't."

Aubrey reached out, trying not to move her injured leg. She wrapped her arms around Beca's neck pulling the freshman in so that she could hug her. "I will." She said and rested her head on Beca's shoulder, burying her face in the crook of Beca's neck as more tears fell.

Beca pulled back slightly to look at the senior. "We'll make it through this. We'll be alright."

Aubrey nodded and tried to remain optimistic.

Beca leaned over and kissed her forehead. "This isn't goodbye Aubrey."

"I know Beca," she sniffled. "I love you." She said as the EMTs announced that they were ready to load her into the ambulance.

Beca smiled, "I love you too, Bree." She pulled away and stepped back to make room for the EMTs. She watched the paramedics roll Aubrey way and when she was out of sight she finally let tears fall.

She wiped at her eyes for the final time that night, promising herself that she meant what she said to Aubrey. She wasn't going to let what they had remain unresolved. She wasn't going to leave it to die or be shelved under the things she'd look back on and wonder 'what if.' The heartbreak and betrayal will eventually fade, this she is sure of. Maybe even in her time away from Aubrey, it will help her heal more than she had in these past few weeks.

It felt really good hearing Aubrey say she loved her and Beca knew she loved the senior more than she probably could ever express to anyone, even Aubrey herself. It took a long time for Beca to realize why she still loved Aubrey even after everything. It was because the love she felt for Aubrey wasn't ordinary. It was the type of love that was born out of unique circumstance. When someone teaches you things you've never known before. When they prove that they are worthy enough for you to reveal parts of yourself to them that you never showed anyone. Parts that had for so long remained hidden, they were even a mystery to you. The love she felt for Aubrey was the kind of love born out of giving someone your heart and never being able to get it back. Even if the person holding your heart had carelessly broken it.

She loved Aubrey Posen not only for the love and friendship they shared but also because despite how painful and unpleasant it may have been, hating her, then loving her, and then hating her, Aubrey showed Beca that she was in fact capable of healing. Of moving beyond her past and being able to love. Aubrey had done what no one else had ever done which was get her to open up and shed the armor she had worn for so long. The armor that protected a scared child from the tragic life around her.

Aubrey managed to look beyond her defense mechanisms and see the beauty in the person behind all of the walls and defenses Beca had built up over the years. She helped Beca see the beauty in herself and made her believe that one day she could be normal.

Beca rejoined her team when they called to her for a final huddle. She placed her hand in the center on top of everyone else's and as they all shouted "Barden" Beca knew everything from this point on was going to be okay. She had a long road to true recovery but she has something she didn't have before.

Hope.

Her future didn't look bleak. After all, after everything she had gone through, she survived. And although she was broken and scarred, she was still standing.

And for that, Beca was proud.

_So long this is good-bye.  
May we meet again in another life.  
Like strangers passing by.  
May we see clearly in a different light._


	41. Chapter 40

**A/N: I completely forgot that Eva Green in Cracks was another source of inspiration for Julia. It's a wonderful movie dealing with somewhat the same subject matter and I think you all should see it if you have a chance or at least watched the trailer to see if it's something you're interested in. If my memory serves me correctly, I think it's on Netflix. I rewatched it and I couldn't help but think if I had to make this into a movie, I would cast Eva Green because of how well she plays crazy yet sympathetic characters. **

**Chapter 40**

**Epilogue**

"Beca it hurts so much," Aubrey groaned as another wave of pain shot through her. Although she had expected, Beca wasn't prepared for the amount of strength the woman in front of her exhibited when Aubrey squeezed the hand intertwined with hers and Beca grit her teeth. She didn't want to cry out in pain considering Aubrey was in much more pain than she currently was.

Beca had expected the groaning woman to scream, as was expected of someone in labor, but she didn't, despite how obvious it was that she was in pain. Instead, until this point only small grunts escaped her and sharp inhales.

However, after a strong contraction passed through her, Aubrey squeezed her hand and screamed. Sweat continued to run down her forehead and neck as her chest heaved with every labored breath. Her hair stuck to her forehead and cheeks and Beca could only watch as her wife sobbed in unbearable pain.

Beca ran her free hand down the side of the paper gown she wore to remove the sweat that had accumulated there from her nerves. She had inadvertently touched the dress that peeked out from underneath. She didn't care even if the dress she wore was expensive. She didn't have the time to change into something more casual before this because her main priority was getting Aubrey to the hospital. Earlier that night they had been in the middle of a concert at Boston Symphony Hall watching as Wesley performed as pianist in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. He had managed to fully kick his drug habit and secure an audition for the orchestra. He had called his sister raving that he had been hired and wanted them to come see his first show. That was where they were, in the middle of Sergei Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No.2 in C Minor when Aubrey's water had broken. Later on Beca would look back on the situation and laugh at how calm her wife had remained through it all as if she had done this all before. The ushers were very helpful in getting Aubrey out of the auditorium and onto an ambulance with very little fuss. Beca left Wesley a rushed message informing them of their departure and they quickly made their way to the closet hospital.

Beca glanced over to where Wesley stood in green protective gown on the opposite side of the bed and smirked when she saw the anxiety on his face. He looked to be on the brink of passing out. She wondered how he could face thousands of people for a concert and yet he could barely hold his lunch while his sister gave birth. The nurses continued to tell Aubrey that she was doing perfectly but Beca knew that didn't mean anything to her wife when she currently felt as if her insides were trying to tear her apart.

Aubrey collapsed back on the bed in panting heavily from pushing and tried to catch her breath before the doctor needed her to push again. Beca reached out and wiped away the sweaty hair matted to Aubrey's forehead, tucking it behind her hair. She leaned over and kissed Aubrey on the forehead.

"I love you, Bree."

Aubrey clenched her teeth and squeezed Beca's hand for a few seconds before opening her eyes and look up at her wife.

"I love you too."

Beca waited with Aubrey, reminding her of the breathing exercises that the midwife had taught them. While she instructed Aubrey she couldn't help but frown slightly, remembering just how much it took for them to get to this point. Her stomach tightened as she remembered that she had almost lost Aubrey and with it her chance at having all of this—a life, a marriage, and a child with the love of her life.

_Beca barely waited until the car came to a complete stop before quickly removing her seat belt. She shoved her hand in her pocket, fishing out the twenty dollar bill and pushed it through the partition to the driver. Rain poured down all around her as she stepped outside of the car and she regretted not taking more time to actually change. She had taken the earliest flight she could and only took mere minutes to drop off her suitcase in her hotel room before she left. She was paying for it now as her navy blue track suit stuck to her, soaked from the rain. She looked up at the skyscraper in front of her to make sure she was at the right place before running to the entrance. Her appointment was at 1:15 and it was 1:13 now. She quickly walked to the elevator, taking great care not to slip on the tiled floors. Hitting the button for the appropriate floor, she stepped back as the metal doors closed. She reached up to push the wet locks sticking to her face out of the way so that she could see more clearly. She bounced form foot to foot waiting impatiently to reach the appropriate floor. When the doors finally reopened she nearly ran over the person standing outside the elevator. Her hands reached out and wrapped around the biceps of the other person to stop them from falling. _

"_I'm so sorry. I—" _

"_Beca?" was the startled response. _

_The person in question finally took the time to look up and her eyes immediately locked on the blue ones she hadn't seen in three years. "Aubrey," she responded with a breath of relief. Neither woman moved right away and instead stared at the other with such a longing that had been fueled by their time apart._

"_What—what are you doing here?" Aubrey stuttered, still in disbelief at seeing Beca. _

"_I'm here for you." She wanted to say more but the murmuring of people in the newly arrived elevator behind them caused her to stop. _

"_Well, I have an appointment now." Aubrey said, glancing at her watch. _

_Beca nodded and said, "Yeah, I know for Ann graham."_

"_How—"_

"_Ann is my middle name and Graham is my ma's name. Now can we talk?"_

_Aubrey sighed and pointed to an empty conference room behind her. "We can talk in there."_

_Beca nodded and followed her to the empty room. When they got inside neither spoke, and an awkward silence settled over them. _

"_You look good," she said awkwardly. _

_Aubrey hummed in agreement. "You too. It's been a long time since I've seen you with such long hair."_

_Beca chuckled and ran her hand through her wet hair. "Yeah well there isn't much time for anything on the road including hair maintenance. Maybe you can cut it again but only after I first butcher it again with a shard of glass" She meant for it to be a joke. Aubrey didn't laugh, however, and instead visibly flinched, obviously still affected by the state she had found Beca in that night. Beca shifted her weight from her right to her left foot and bit her lip as she tried to think of something to say. It had never been this difficult talking to Aubrey and now it seemed to be forced and contrived. Aubrey seemed to be avoiding making direct eye contact and if she was being honest, Beca had to admit it hurt her feelings to see Aubrey exhibiting so much hostility towards her._

"_Are you mad at me?" _

_Aubrey sighed, "No." she didn't hesitate giving an answer but the fact that she still refused to turn around told Beca that she was lying._

"_Yes you are. I'm sorry I didn't reach out after I was released from—"_

"_I'm not upset, Beca."_

"_Aubrey please don't lie to me."_

"_Why are you here, Beca?" Aubrey asked her, finally turning around. "Shouldn't you be in Brazil celebrating your win?" _

_Beca looked at her in surprise, "You watched?"_

_Aubrey rolled her eyes and folded her arms in front of her chest. "Just because we haven't stayed in touch, it doesn't mean I stopped caring about you. I was…you have no idea how proud I was when I heard that you were asked to join the national team fresh out of college. And how hard it was to not pick up the phone and call you."_

"_I know Aubrey—"_

"_No you don't." Aubrey said, her tone beginning to betray her anger. "You don't know how hard it is to still be in love with someone and not see them for three years…how it feels to be so scared to call them because you're afraid they don't want you anymore. That you waited for nothing." Beca could see tears falling from her eyes and it still hurt her just as it had all those years ago. Beca walked around the large oak table separating them to stand in front of the sobbing woman._

"_Aubrey. Hey, Bree, look at me," she said reaching out to take the shaking hands in hers. "I'm sorry, Bree," she said when Aubrey finally looked up at her. "I'm so sorry and I realize how selfish I've been all these years. But I was just as scared as you were. You told me that day in Tampa that you'd wait for me but I was so scared…" she paused to wipe at her own watery eyes before continuing. "I was fucking terrified that you had moved on, that the one woman I ever dared to love had decided she didn't love me anymore."_

"_But you're here. What…what changed your mind?"_

_Beca let out a sad chuckled. "It might sound stupid but…there was this painting in my hotel in room back in Rio. It was of the Venice canal and it brought back memories of our plans to run away to Italy. Then, I just…" she shrugged as she averted her eyes from the woman in front of her, instead choosing to focus on their joined hands lest she lost her nerve. "I just realized that I still wanted that. I wanted it so fucking badly. I've won two gold medals. I finally dropped all of the baggage from my childhood. I received my degree. I play on the number one WNBA team in the nation and I have a bunch of endorsements that ensure I'll be able to retire comfortably. But being in that hotel room and looking at that painting, none of that mattered because I only wanted you." She took a shaky breath and finally looked up. "I only wanted you."_

_Aubrey's eyes shinned in the same way her own probably did. Beca waited with bated breath for Aubrey to respond and when she reached out to pull Beca to her, closing the distance between them with a kiss Beca didn't resist. It wasn't the passionate kiss one would expect them to share after such a long time apart. Their lips met and held for only mere seconds before they pulled apart and embraced each other tightly. Their relationship had been so profound and intense because of the intimacy they shared without a sexual component. The intimate hug they were still engaged in proved that. _

_Beca buried her face in the space where Aubrey's shoulder met her neck and released a relieved sigh. For the first time in a long time she felt whole again. In Aubrey's arms she felt safe again. She felt loved and more importantly, she felt like she had finally come home. _

On New Year's Day, at 1:53 am the world welcomed Anna Noelle Mitchell. After eight and a half hours of grueling pain Aubrey held a small mass of pink blankets in her arms, smiling softly at the small child in her arms. Chloe stood at the side of Aubrey's hospital bed cooing softly at the little bundle in her best friend's arms while Beca stood on the opposite side of the room looking on.

Beca was in a state of awe seeing how something as beautiful as their daughter could come out of such pain.

Chloe glanced down at her phone before looking at her close friends, "Stacie, Fat Amy, and Cynthia Rose just got here. I'm gonna go meet them at the front of the hospital and give you guys a few minutes to yourselves."

Beca smiled gratefully and Aubrey nodded her gratitude as well as she said "Thanks Chlo. For everything."

The redhead smiled and walked out of the room leaving Beca and Aubrey alone.

"Do you want to hold her, babe?" Aubrey asked looking at her wife before looking down at their daughter.

Beca waved off Aubrey's suggestion and fiddled with her hands. "No, it's ok. She seems comfortable in your arms."

She continued to watch her family and as happy as she was, she still had this lingering anxiety inside of her. She feared that as much as she tried to get better and heal, that she would always be damaged. As much as Julia denied it, she was abused too and Beca doubted she planned to turn out the way she did and become like her mother. Beca was _terrified_ that, as much as she tried to prevent, that she was just as sick as Julia and would always be as sick. She was terrified that if she got to close too her daughter that maybe a switch inside of her would turn on and she'd ruin everything. So, no she wouldn't hold Anna. She'd make that sacrifice if it meant protecting her daughter.

Aubrey was silent for a few moments before looking at her wife. "You're _nothing_ like her." She said and Beca was left to wonder how her wife knew what she was thinking.

The brunette looked up with wide eyes wondering if she was that easy to read. She appreciated Aubrey's attempt to ease her mind but Beca knew that the determinant of how she turned out wasn't necessarily within her control. It seemed that there was an uncontrollable course of life that sometimes people inevitably fell into. She learned that the hard way.

_Beca sat down in front of her MacBook and plugged in her headphones. Aubrey was asleep in the other room and she was excited for the video call she was about to make. Three weeks ago, she and Aubrey had been in New York visiting her mother on their return from Italy which was where they had spent their honeymoon. On a store run for her mother she had run into Emma in the supermarket. They didn't have much time to converse but they exchanged numbers promising to get in contact when they could. _

_Beca was glad that she'd be able to check Emma off of the list that she kept of people to make amends with or get closure with. She had even managed to get closure with Robert although it hadn't went as well as she might have liked. The older man seemed to hold animosity towards her for what Beca assumed was her part in ruining his marriage to Julia. When Beca told him that she had come to him to get closure on that part of her life he frowned and said "I accepted what Julia did and I moved on. Why are you still hung up on this?" Beca hadn't meant to get angry but she hadn't been able to help it when she responded "Julia abused me for nine years. So I apologize if I'm still hung up on how Julia ruined my life and can't put it out of my mind with ease like you obviously can." Robert met her anger with his own and responded, "She ruined both of our lives. I accepted that she is sick and I'm glad that I left but I can't for the life of me understand why you stayed. Why you didn't report her." Beca had responded with the simple inquiry, "Why didn't you?" he didn't respond but she didn't expect him to. He did what he did best: remained silent. It took her a long time to let go of animosity she had towards him for not helping her when he was aware of what Julia had done to her. When he slammed the door in her face, Beca chuckled. She felt sorry for the man if he felt that a child was the reason why his marriage had fallen apart. _

_That was months ago, however. She sat at her desk and logged into Skype. Emma had texted her that afternoon asking if she was free at 8 to talk. Beca agreed momentarily forgetting the time difference between California and New York. When she realized that it meant she'd have to talk to her at such a late hour she didn't bother rescheduling. She didn't really mind the time since she was more of a night owl anyway. _

_When her former baby sitter appeared on screen Beca thought she looked very much like she had the last time she'd seen her more than a decade ago._

"_Ahh, little Beca still looks the same." Emma joked when her face appeared on screen. _

_Beca rolled her eyes but a small smile betrayed how she truly felt. She lifted up her right leg and folded it under herself to get comfortable in her chair. She pulled the hem of Aubrey's Stanford sweatshirt she currently wore over her knees to shelter her bare legs from the chill of central air conditioning._

"_I can say the same for you. You look as if you haven't aged a day."_

_Emma scoffed, "Trust me, I might not look it, but this body is broken down. Playing ball 300 days out of the year for ten years really tears down the body. I got out as soon as my contract was up. Speaking of which, I heard that you just retired."_

"_Yeah. I guess after a while playing became more of a job and it lost its appeal to me. Plus, I want to focus on my art and my wife and I can't do that if I'm constantly on the road."_

_Emma beamed as she reached out to adjust her web cam before sitting back in her chair. "Yes. I heard that you got married. Congrats. You'll have to introduce me to your wife at some point."_

"_I'll make sure I do that when we're back out your way." She planned to say more but stopped at the sight of a little girl, maybe five or six years old, appearing in view of the camera and interrupting the conversation._

_Beca smiled softly seeing Emma offer her an apologetic smile for the interruption. _

"_Sorry, Becs. Just hold on a second."_

_Beca nodded and waited patiently as Emma picked up the little girl and sat her on her lap. "Bella, this is one of my old friends, Beca. Say hello."_

_The little girl waved enthusiastically at the camera._

_Beca smiled brightly as she waved back at the young girl. "Hello Bella. When I was around your age your mommy used to be my babysitter."_

_The little girl giggled and shook her head. "Emmy isn't my mommy."_

"_Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't—"_

_The little girl turned her attention away from the camera before she could finish and looked at Emma. "Emmy, I'm sleepy."_

_Emma sighed softly and gave Beca another apologetic smile. "Can you just give me a minute? I'm just going to go put her to bed and I'll be right back. It'll only take a minute." _

_Beca nodded, partially listening to Emma as her mind was elsewhere. The moment Belle told her that Emma wasn't her mother Beca immediately asked herself why the young girl was with the basketball player so late at night if there wasn't a family relation._

_As if finding the piece of a puzzle she'd been struggling for years to complete, the one statement Julia had made that night all those years ago that still confounded her finally became clear._

"_**We didn't meet by chance, Rebeca."**_

_She had agonized over the day she had met Julia. She had cried and screamed and begged God to tell her why it had happened. Why fate had dealt her such a cruel hand. But now she understood. It wasn't fate alone. Emma had done it. Emma had brought her to that playground and had left her alone—left her to the mercy of a predator._

_The anger that came with such a realization had just began to settle over her when Emma returned and sat down in front of her camera. Beca refused to make eye contact, afraid that the other woman would see the storm brewing in her eyes. She wanted to confront her. She _**was**_ going to confront her but she knew she needed to calm down lest she become too consumed by her emotions and ended up destroying something._

"_Sorry about that. So where were we? Oh, yeah, your wife. I'm sure we can all meet for lunch whenever you're back in New York."_

_Beca took a few calming breaths, her eyes still locked on her fists that were closing and opening in her lap as she asked "Was it you?" Her voice was flat, a tone of fury underscoring it to convey her seriousness._

"_Was what me?"_

"_Lavender. It was the only thing I remembered that night." She finally looked up and saw that Emma no longer wore the smile she had worn seconds before. She didn't have to answer. Her expression was enough. _

"_How could you?" she asked, the anger momentarily giving way for the hurt and betrayal she felt. _

_Emma opened her mouth to deny it but Beca glared at her and seethed, "Do not lie to me!"_

_Emma's frown only deepened and Beca inhaled harshly as she repeated her question. "How could you do that to me? She abused you and then you turned around and joined in on her sick perversion. That night _**destroyed**_ me. How could you participate?"_

_As if a fuse had blown and set off her wrath, Emma glared at her and yelled, "Because I wanted to know what was so fucking _**great**_ about you that she didn't want me anymore! She _**ruined**_ me and then cast me aside when something newer and younger came along!"_

"_I thought you hated her?"_

"_I did hate her. I still do. She used to say I was the most precious thing in her life. Her emerald. Her gem. She promised me that she'd love me forever and I believed her. Then I got my first period. She helped me clean up and put in a tampon but I could see her disgust. She didn't want me anymore and I begged her not to leave me. The bitch told me she'd pay for an apartment if I didn't want to stay anymore but she thought it best if we stopped our games." She chuckled bitterly, "Move on, ha! She got one look at you on my Myspace page and I was kicked out the door."_

_Her nails began to dig into her palms as she clenched her fists tighter. She was so angry hearing her talk about what she had done as if it were justified. _

"_But she hurt us…how could you let yourself become one of them?"_

"_Oh boo hoo," she mocked with a scowl. "Itty bitty Beca is sad that Julia fucked her. Come off it Beca. So what if she made you go down on her every now and then. In case you forgot, she saved our fucking lives. All the clothes, the computers, the vacations. I know your mom was a drug addict, so was mine but your mom didn't beat you and pass you around to her drug dealer boyfriends like mine did. Julia was a godsend for me and all I had to do was that one small thing which wasn't so bad after a while once I allowed myself to enjoy it."_

_Beca frowned. "You're just like her."_

"_And so are you Beca. No one understands you better than Julia and I. The same applies for us. You understand us." She lifted her arm and Beca cringed at the sight of the familiar white feather on her wrist. What shocked her more was the purple swan above it with its wings spread. _

"_Don't run from the truth Beca. No one is judging you. It's ok to admit it."_

"_You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," she seethed. _

"_You used to watch them, envious of their innocence and the childhood you never had, but eventually you begin to take notice of their small bodies. It's not hard Beca, to get them to trust you. To find that girl who spends all her days in the park and wants someone to rescue her from the hell at home."_

_Beca remained silent and averted her eyes, afraid that if she didn't Emma would see the angry tears threatening to fall. _

"_I gotta go, Beca. If you want to talk some more I'm open to meeting you for coffee. Remember, there's nothing wrong with having these feelings. Julia showed me there's nothing wrong with this type of love and I can show you too."_

_Beca didn't wait for her to say anything else and slammed her computer shut. How dare she insinuate that she was anything like them? She wiped at her eyes harshly as she rested her head on the mahogany desk in front of her. She didn't understand how Emma could allow herself to do the same thing that Julia had done to her. How she could fall into the cycle that Beca had fought tooth and nail to overcome. _

_No. she wasn't going to let her get away this. She had made the mistake once before of not saying anything and the consequence was Julia victimizing another girl. She knew what that purple swan on Emma's wrist meant and she refused to let that little girl, Bella, suffer in the same way she had._

_She reached over and grabbed her phone from where it was plugged into her charger. "Fuck you Emma," she murmured angrily. "I'm nothing like you… This abused becomes abuser shit ends with me." Opening the browser she did a quick google search and found what she was looking for._

_Clicking on the link that would dial the number on the screen, she waited as her phone dialed the hotline. 1-800-4-A-CHILD. _

_She put her phone to her ear and waited for someone to answer. "Hi, I want to report a case of child abuse."_

"Beca, honey. Look at me." Aubrey said, pulling her from her trance.

It took her a few seconds but she finally managed to look up.

"Look at this little girl. She knows nothing about anything and it's up to us to teach her right from wrong, good from bad. Beca, babe, you were wronged in the worst way and we _both_ trust that you will make sure that _never_ happens to her. Now come meet your daughter."

Beca looked nervously at them and took a tentative step towards her wife and sleeping daughter. With shaking hands she reached out and allowed Aubrey to hand her Anna before pulling her close. She held her in the way that Aubrey instructed and turned around slowly as to not wake her child while she searched for somewhere to sit. Now that she was holding her, she wouldn't forgive herself if she dropped the baby that was dependent upon her for everything.  
Beca sat down and just stared at her child for an unknown amount of time. She wasn't paying too much attention to the time or anything else and instead just focused on her daughter, on her Anna. She watched with rapt attention as she breathed lightly, studying everything about her.

Maybe Emma was right. She would never be able to see children in the ways others were able to. However, she knew her fascination wasn't as lascivious as Emma made it out to be. She didn't lust after kids and instead was protective of them. She saw innocence they held and she recognized that it was fragile and something to be treasure and persevered. She regarded children with the same sentiments someone would view a missed opportunity or lost chance. She mourned the innocence that she lost. No, the innocence that was taken. Something so pure and untainted and seeing her daughter cuddle further into her arms there was an instinctual desire to protect that innocence.

Her heart leapt at seeing Anna open her eyes, even if only for a brief second. Beca looked up to tell her wife the news but stopped when she saw Aubrey sleeping soundly.

She looked back down at her daughter. "Looks like mommy was wiped out from bringing you into the world." She said softly and ran the side of her index finger down Anna's cheek gently. Anna opened her eyes once again and looked up at her through slate gray eyes for a bit longer than she had before. Beca wondered what her true eye color was. She knew that her eyes would change to their true color within a few months and she wondered would she inherit her eye color or Aubrey's. Anna stared at Beca for a few more seconds before her eyes slipped shut again and she began to cry. Beca chuckled and reached over for the bottle of milk that Aubrey had apparently pumped a few moments before she fell asleep while Beca wasn't watching. "Don't worry little one. I'm not completely clueless. I know that cry means you're probably hungry, right?" she raised the bottle to her daughter and ran its nipple across her lips to encourage her to open her mouth. Anna immediately latched onto the bottle and began to drink greedily.

Beca lifted Anna gently to place a kiss on her forehead as she held the bottle, adjusting it slightly so that the flow of milk remained consistent.

"Hey, baby girl. I—I just want to make you a promise, right here and right now. I want it to be the very first thing I say to you…I love you. I love you so much and I would give my life to make sure you _never_ see the type of world I saw. I promise you that right here and now."

Anna's eyes opened again and Beca smiled at her. "I promise baby girl," she said softly and stuck out her pinky finger with a grin knowing that the little girl in her arm didn't even understand what a pink swear was. Anna didn't link her pinky with hers but instead wrapped her small hand around Beca's larger digit and held tight. Beca had never felt such happiness as she did in that moment.

Beca chuckled as tears began to fall. "I guess that's close enough." She kissed her daughter's forehead once again and sat back in her chair watching her wife and child. She remained at peace watching them, basking in the ambience of happiness and the wonderful feeling of knowing she got her happy ending.

_Desperate and meaningless  
All filled up with emptiness  
Felt like everything was said and done_

_I lay there in the dark  
And I close my eyes  
You saved me the day  
You came alive_

**Five Months Later  
**Beca sipped at the freshly brewed cup of coffee and made her way back upstairs to her bedroom. It was still early morning and sun was only just beginning to peak out from beyond the horizon. She wasn't normally an early riser but after bringing Anna home she had got in the habit of waking early to make sure she was there to greet their when she awoke. She had reached her fifth month of life the week before and was beginning to sleep more regularly, which was a relief for the new parents. Beca made her way into the master bedroom and smiled at the sight of her wife of the past seven years sleeping soundly. She peeked into the bassinet near the bed to check on Anna before she walked to her side of the bed and sat down to finish enjoying her drink. She had just finished propping a pillow up behind her when Aubrey's voice broke the silence.

"Beca?"

"I'm right her, Bree." She said and reached over to run her hand through her wife's hair. "Go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

Aubrey didn't respond and instead moved closer, resting her head against Beca's thigh. "Love you." Aubrey murmured before succumbing to her sleep once again and Beca smiled. She leaned over and gently kissed the sleeping women on the side of her temple before leaned back to rest against the head board.

It felt great not having to get up early and go to work. Although Aubrey was the only one officially on maternity leave, Beca had taken time off from her own work to be with her family. They both made a decent living and had enough saved to sustain them for the next year if needed. She and Aubrey both worked in the city, with Aubrey being a child psychologist at a major private practice. She was inspired to specialize in the field after learning of what happened to Beca and how she didn't have any support systems. Beca also worked in the heart of the city. She had opened up an art gallery in the center of Downtown L.A. that housed not only her work but also the work of amateur, up-and-coming artists. The gallery saw a lot of traffic and more than one of the artists that displayed their work in her gallery had gone on to be hired for large art projects and such. That wasn't the only thing she had done. She had used her fame as a basketball player to bring attention to the charity organization she founded called "Promise." The foundation not only provided counseling for teachers and childcare workers to spot signs of abuse and how to deal with it, but it also provided save havens and shelters to children from abusive homes. She knew that if she had somewhere else to go when she was younger, she wouldn't have been as dependent upon Julia or stayed with her as long as she did.

She continued to course her hand through Aubrey's hair lazily as she allowed content peace to settle over her. They had been through so much to get to where they currently were. After their reunion that day in Aubrey's office building, they had put their all into repairing their fractured relationship. Beca continued going to therapy and she even let Aubrey read some of her diary entries. Through everything Aubrey remained faithful and never complained about the tentative pace Beca was adamant that they take. They didn't share their first kiss for another eight months and Beca didn't feel comfortable moving beyond that for another two years. The day they had finally consummated their relationship Beca knew that there was no other woman out there for her. She proposed to Aubrey the next morning.

Beca extended her arm to place her coffee mug on the night stand and she had just managed to avoid knocking over the picture frame that rested there. Releasing her mug, she picked up the frame and smiled softly. She had taken the picture not long after they had brought Anna home. Anna rested in Aubrey's hands and Aubrey had her lips pressed against their baby girl's face. Of all of the photos she had taken and portraits she had painted of her family, this picture was by far her favorite. It reminded her of how far she'd come and all that she had. That although her past was filled with tragic darkness, her family would be her guiding light into a happier and more peaceful future.

She reached over and replaced the picture frame before reaching down and opening the top draw of the nightstand. She took care not to wake her wife as she reached inside and pulled out the familiar black moleskin notebook.

A small golf pencil was cushioned between the notebook's pages, still there from the day she had last written in it and Beca picked it up and flipped to a blank page which coincidentally was the last page of the book. She hadn't written in the notebook in years but she held on to it. Reading through it from time to time whenever she felt depressed and needed to be reminded of how much she had survived. The journal held all of her emotions and thoughts during the hardest time of her life and she felt that it was only necessary that she end it with how she felt now that she had gotten through that hard time.

Placing the date in the right corner, she glanced down at her wife and then turned back to the notebook to write.

_Dear Aubrey Mitchell,_

_You saved me_

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night  
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see  
All your life  
You were only waiting for this moment to be free  
_

_There were two songs for this chapter since they both fit and summarize the end of Beca's journey. Come Alive by Foo Fighters (awesome song) and Blackbird by the Beatles (although I really prefer the Sara Niemietz Cover and the Boyce Avenue cover as well). Come Alive really suited this new step in Beca's life and I thought it was only right that I end this story with the song that inspired it all. If you want a visual for Beca's photo of Aubrey and Anna, I imagined that it would look something like this._

_amyshertzerphotography._

_files._

_/2010/11/3-loving-kiss-from-mom _

_.jpg._

_It was a pleasure writing this story and all of your reviews and messages and overall enthusiasm was a wonderful experience. Without you all I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have had the motivation to continue writing this. Once again, thank you all for reading and support. _

_-darkwriterxx94 _


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